To think I have grown out of my friends?

(104 Posts)
DeepFeet Sun 17-Nov-13 02:27:12

I must admit I am the first of my twenty-something circle to have dc. We have all kept in contact since school/college.and see each other as regularly as we can.

My DM kindly agreed to watch 18 mo dd tonight so thought I would join my friends on a night out.
First night out for a long long time I must admit but assumed we would be going for dinner, maybe a few cocktails afterwards.

I got out and couldnt believe how drunk my friends were! Vomiting in every corner, abusing bouncers because they wouldnt let them in because they were too drunk. Crying over nothing.

AIBU to wish I had stayed home in my pjs with a boxset and x factor? Or am I just a boring bastard now because I have children? Surely this is not anybodys idea of fun confused

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 02:42:23

YANBU, having children gives you a totally different set of checks and balances, having to constantly assess/reference whether everything's OK with such an important person (your DD) it a difficult mindset to get out of.

It also gives you 'highs' you could never imagine beforehand, getting so fucked you're chucking up in corners, taking on bouncers and falling into hedges (blush) doesn't have the same appeal when you know what it's like when you and your newborn are staring into each others eyes.

They're still looking for something, and you've found it.

No need to give up on them completely though, you're just out of sync, give it time and you might be back in step with each other.

kickassangel Sun 17-Nov-13 02:49:06

Were nights out like this before you had your dd?

DeepFeet Sun 17-Nov-13 02:58:25

Thanks for that lovely post AgentZigZag you are totally right. I have a lot more priorities now and nights out are the least of them, its nice to go out every now and again but I would much rather spend time with my DD.

kickassangel I never thought nights out were like this, but I assume they were. You dont realise how much your mindset changes until you have children!

bellablot Sun 17-Nov-13 03:12:49

Yeah this happens. I out grew a lot of my 'drinking' friends after having children, it's natural. Don't get too hung up on it, if you'd prefer to stay in on a Sat evening watching x-factor in your pj's, then do that, your a mum with new priorities. Go with the flow.

ICameOnTheJitney Sun 17-Nov-13 03:13:42

YANBU but don't cut the ties completely because they will also probably have children and change,....and you can't replace a long history.

Elizabeththefirst Sun 17-Nov-13 03:14:38

That sounds like an awful night, children or no children.

You probably have grown out of this particular set of friends. Find some that can enjoy a dance and a drink without turning into a cesspool type pit of despair.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 03:26:05

smile

Try to draw on how you feel about the alternative/puking when it gets difficult looking after your (I'm sure) very active toddler.

You can still enjoy going out, but you know now that you're after different things (reconnecting with your friends) and you don't need to get shitfaced to emphasise that you've had a great time (blush).

I had DD1 when I was 29 and DD2 at 38 so I was spared all this grin

MiniMonty Sun 17-Nov-13 04:44:29

They'll catch up... (your friends that is) and you'll probably turn into the font of all wisdom as they all have kids.

You'll be sanguine (and you will SO enjoy it).

HAHA !

stoppitySTOP Sun 17-Nov-13 07:56:57

It's funny, because you sound jealous of their life. (Maybe not the puking exactly, but their freedom etc). hmm Nobody with a healthy level of self-esteem or contentment with their life needs to come onto a site after a night out and "stealth" (not so much) boast about how much better they are now. Which is exactly what your post is doing - pointing out how much better you are than your friends. "Friends".

Seriously, OP. You know what you came here to hear. You are better than your friends. You are a superior being because you have the responsibility of your daughter. Well done you.

And oh God how I laughed at "They're still looking for something, and you've found it." Did you MEAN to be so nauseatingly smug? I mean, it couldn't be that they are living life as they see fit, having fun in their own way etc. It must because because they don't know "what it's like when you and your newborn are staring into each others eyes." <boak

LimitedEditionLady Sun 17-Nov-13 07:59:40

Im the same,went out wuth my friends a few weeks back.We are all in our twenties but they dont have kids.I did notice that whilst i had a few drinks they went all out to the point they were throwing up in the bar,actually at their seats and by the end of the night were falling asleep and really buggered.They were trying to encourage me to drink more which they should know better than to but i dont seem as thirsty as they do anymore....grin
When i go out now id rather just have a couple of drinks and a meal,i dont seem to get giddy drunk like I used to and kinda end up looking after everyone else.Its always in the back of my mind to be alert and not too drunk and not get in any bother because ds is my priority 24/7

Crowler Sun 17-Nov-13 08:00:49

Oh my god! First of all, I had a good laugh over the vomiting in the corners and crying over nothing. Secondly, no YANBU. Your friends sound hilariously bad.

D011Y Sun 17-Nov-13 08:04:14

You have a different life now. It isn't better, only different.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 17-Nov-13 08:04:56

I think the OP is realising that life changes a lot when a child is in your life.I dont think shes boasting tbh.Im sure if most drunk people watched themselves back there would be a few things that theyd wish they hadnt done,i know my friends wasnt too chuffed she threw up everywhere!

MadeOfStarDust Sun 17-Nov-13 08:06:23

AgentZigzag what a great post - I think you have summed it up exactly....

having kids is another phase in your life (if you want to have kids) and they will get there too - if they want to have kids, so if you value them as friends still you just need to wait for them to "catch up" .....

Tweasels Sun 17-Nov-13 08:06:32

Get out the wrong side of bed this morning stoppitySTOP hmm

annieorangutan Sun 17-Nov-13 08:07:05

I have been a mum for a good few years, and was probably younger than you. I have been there for my friends being sick in bushes, crying over men the lot and they have been there to help with my children, talk with and have a laugh. They have been there for me through everything.

It sounds nothing to do with you being a mum, it just sounds like either you or they are not true friends

D011Y Sun 17-Nov-13 08:09:30

No. Agentzigzag is assuming that what she wants is what everyone wants. How patronising and ridiculous to assume that everyone is looking for what the OP has got.

annieorangutan Sun 17-Nov-13 08:11:53

There is nothing more annoying than the Im a mum now crowd. You will miss out on all the trips and weekends away with your friends with that attitude.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 17-Nov-13 08:12:02

I think zigxag was just being nice?i doubt that that post was designed to cause offence in the slightest.

BuzzardBird Sun 17-Nov-13 08:12:43

I loved Agents post but Stop's made me laugh...you miserable soul grin

juneau Sun 17-Nov-13 08:15:26

That sounds like a horrible night out at any stage of life! If your DM offers to babysit again I'd either find some different people to go out with or curl up with that box set. TBH, I'd rather be a boring bastard than a drunk, vomiting, emotional mess.

peggyundercrackers Sun 17-Nov-13 08:20:13

your boring now but its nothing to do with having children.

Joysmum Sun 17-Nov-13 08:20:50

Sounds like a normal thing to me. I'm a very different person to what I was as a teenager.

Hubby and I were together for 7 years before we had our daughter, we've been together 19 years now. We've only ever been out to the pub for a drink twice. We've been numerous times for a meal, but never just for a drink but I was always out boozing with my friends before.

As time passes, people change and I do think that binge drinking is more the preserve of people who aren't settled in their life, and by settled I mean more fulfilled in their own skin. I think that way because it was true for me. It might not be true for others but then I've seen relationships split when one partner sees going out on the piss as normal and the partner doesn't. I loved my single life but wants and needs change.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 17-Nov-13 08:24:15

I love how if you dont want to get steaming and not be in control you are boring.I dont think nights out define if you are an interesting person or not.Some of my friends who are the bubbliest fun people i know dont ever drink.

annieorangutan Sun 17-Nov-13 08:25:56

Its not just drinking though surely your friends are people who have been there through everything, they help you through thick and thin etc. Regardless if they got too drunk on a night I wouldnt be ditching them even if I had 6 children.

TempusFuckit Sun 17-Nov-13 08:27:46

I'm with Stoppity - I don't think you are being as quite smug as she thinks you are, but maybe a little (and I completely agree with the finding something you already have line - really?)

That night does sound pretty wild, and I wouldn't want to do it now, but while I don't envy the puking, I do envy the energy and party spirit.

Motherhood can be a huge time for reassessing priorities, but have a quick look at the AIBU board for proof it doesn't automatically confer wisdom and maturity.

OP, you haven't "grown out" of your friends. You have taken a different path right now. Soon, they'll take it too and you will have loads in common again. Don't give up that shared history, find other ways of keeping in touch, and for god's sake don't tell them you think you've outgrown them, they'll hate you for that.

hardboiledpossum Sun 17-Nov-13 08:28:50

I have felt similar at times. I am also in my 20s and the first our of my friends to have a child. but I forced myself to occasionally go clubbing all night because they have been great friends and it would be rude not to show an interest in their lives just because I had a baby.

eltsihT Sun 17-Nov-13 08:29:12

M and dh were the first in our group of uni friend to have kids,

I found I drifted away from my friends, as I had child are problems. And different priorities etc.

3 years on I am on Ds2 and they are just starting to have kids that we are all getting on much better again.

saintmerryweather Sun 17-Nov-13 08:30:12

stoppity has got it right...not everyone is looking gor what the op has got and to suggest her friends are jealous is ridiculous

LimitedEditionLady Sun 17-Nov-13 08:31:39

Oh no id never dump my friends,they want kids too its just not the right time for them.At least you will be understanding for them when they have children and they might feel the same.

roughtyping Sun 17-Nov-13 08:31:59

I think all of my friends have 'slowed down' a little TBH from when we were 18. Not many of my friends would consider that a good night out... Parents or not!

annieorangutan Sun 17-Nov-13 08:34:39

As I said I have children but I dont really get that attitude. Most mums and dads are still going on abroad breaks, uk breaks, nights away etc with their old friends from pre kids. You dont give up your friends or even have a break from them just because you have a child imo.

hardboiledpossum Sun 17-Nov-13 08:38:09

if you Start declining invitations now, you might find that soon enough you stop receiving any. I have read enough threads on these boards from lonely people who drifted away from their friends once they became mothers, to make me remember to value my friendships.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 17-Nov-13 08:40:24

Yes because vomiting in pubs and arguing with bouncers makes a night out.

Why does not getting shit faced make you boring?

Wishfulmakeupping Sun 17-Nov-13 08:42:29

Agree with everything you said agentzigzag

SantiagoToots Sun 17-Nov-13 08:45:01

I'm with joysmum in that when I felt fulfilled within myself - I had no urge to live every night in a blaze of glory.

The difference is - I ditched my friends 5 years BEFORE I had kids and they were older than me WITH kids. I think I'd just grown out of it - and there is ITV footage which shows me partying with the best of them.

Charotte31 Sun 17-Nov-13 08:54:26

Well said stop!! I have a DC and I still go out and get drunk every now and then. Nothing wrong with letting your hair down for a night. I love my friends!

KoalaFace Sun 17-Nov-13 08:55:12

Loads of people decide to start skipping nights out with friends when they stop finding the vomiting and crying thing fun. Doesn't have to be anything to do with having a baby.

I'm in my late twenties and none of my friends would enjoy a night out like you described. And I'm the only one with DC.

If I was you I'd still see my friends for dinner and lunch out, shopping, meeting for coffees, even in bars for cocktails or something but skip the big night outs.

akachan Sun 17-Nov-13 08:59:42

I think the child thing is a bit of a red herring.

I don't have a newborn to stare down (what a poor unfulfilled non woman I am!) but I wouldn't fancy going out and throwing up at a table in a bar.

The not remembering if it was like that before has to be bullshit surely. You're telling me you don't remember whether you used to throw up and fight bouncers? Sounds like you might have been the worst of the lot if you can't recall!

akachan Sun 17-Nov-13 09:00:34

Sorry cross post with Koala - I mean was she said!

Southeastdweller Sun 17-Nov-13 09:02:45

What a crap night and I'm sure there's many single folk like me for whom going out drinking with your friends sounds like a night in hell.

I don't get at all why some posters are saying you're smug and I'm shocked at the weirdly harsh reply from stoppity. You're not smug. You're also not boring. Just someone with a different idea of what a good night out is compared to your friends.

D011Y Sun 17-Nov-13 09:03:08

Akachan grin
Staring down newborns. Snort.

Joysmum Sun 17-Nov-13 09:07:47

Exactly. I don't think it's the having kids thing that changes what you see as a good night out.

Mind you, having kids has changed out taste in films but that's another thread entirely grin

wordfactory Sun 17-Nov-13 09:08:13

OP I think it's fine that you don't want nights out like that any more. Why you ever wanted them is a good question, but hey ho!

However, I think it's a mistake to assume it's all about becoming a mother. That this now makes you whole in some way whilst others are defective.

fortyplus Sun 17-Nov-13 09:15:54

I'll start by saying I'm old enough to be your mum... grin
I bet most of us have gone out partying and ended up vomiting at some stage in our lives. Maybe behaved unreasonably or ended up in tears. The difference is that if that's what happens on every night out it's just tedious. I was out in St Albans a couple of weeks ago pretending to be young again and just rolled my eyes at the number of girls tottering about totally pissed, tripping into the gutter, having 'face off' arguments etc. I'm sure they thought they were being terribly interesting but they just looked pathetic.
If they carry on with it they're setting themselves up for problems in later life - I know 5 people who have died directly from the effects of alcohol and maybe more where it's been a contributory factor.

There is absolutely nothing interesting about a person puking in a corner who is so drunk they can't string a sentance together! If you find that interesting I reckon you should examine why. There is a whole wide world out there full of fascinating things to see/do/learn about, why on earth would holding someone's hair back whilst they vomited be interesting ? grin

D011Y Sun 17-Nov-13 09:29:37

Who said it was oops?

LimitedEditionLady Sun 17-Nov-13 10:11:49

I think oops is linking to soneone saying op is boring.out of interest how many fathers have stopped doing this due to fatherhood?my oh loves to be drunk yet i dont.He saud he wouldnt drink like that when he became a dad but he does.

Mumof3xx Sun 17-Nov-13 10:15:24

I outgrew some of my friends when I had children, even though they had children too! Mainly because I decided to grow up and they still wanted to live like they were 18.

Joysmum Sun 17-Nov-13 10:18:49

Of course, dropping your friends thanks to them having a different idea as to what constitutes a good night out turns you back on all the other things that make you friends, not good at all.

However, I've not made a conscious decision to drop anybody but inevitably friendships drug about on the tide.

SinisterSal Sun 17-Nov-13 10:20:26

Op has a toddler.
She probably has enough of puking, of tantrums at being told no, and mystery wailing . She gets enough of that all week without seeking it on her saturday night out too.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Sun 17-Nov-13 10:21:01

shock This sounds like an awful night out and I don't have children.

ethelb Sun 17-Nov-13 10:28:17

DP and I don't have children (due to finances and job security more than anything) and feel quite strongly that we are outgrowing them.

The inability to make plans and stick to them is a particular bug bear.

TBF few of our nights out end up like yours did though! Did your friends always party so hard?

ethelb Sun 17-Nov-13 10:28:41

them=friends

Littleen Sun 17-Nov-13 10:46:31

Your friends sounds a little immature perhaps, so I'm not surprised. I have no kids, nor do most of my friends, but that just sounds like behaviour of 17 year olds anyway! Find some normal, sensible ones instead smile

gnittinggnome Sun 17-Nov-13 11:30:24

Can you meet them for a meal and then scarper before it starts to get messy? If they choose to get wrecked it's up to them, but I know I'd be saying "the babysitter's got to go at 9" and have a nice time before they get trashed. Would that work?

Sunflower49 Sun 17-Nov-13 12:38:40

I still love going out and getting drunk.
BUT , to the stage where I'm throwing up and crying?!
No. I can only ever remember doing that a few times as a teen and I soon grew out of it.
However don't cut off your friends. You have history and the fact that they like something you don't like doesn't mean you can't still like one another.
Next time you see them, arrange what you're doing yourself?Restaurant and win instead of clubbing it perhaps?

Vikki88 Sun 17-Nov-13 13:10:36

Having DC does change things without a doubt, for a number of years there became a sort of unofficial split in my friends - those of us that had DC and those that didn't. It wasn't intentional, it was just natural and there definitely wasn't any bad feeling - just some of us now thought taking our DC to parks together in the afternoon was preferable to an expensive night getting hammered in town!

Now that most my friends have DC that split has naturally gone away, whoever said you're just no in-sync with them at the moment was right. All it means now is that when we do get the chance for a night out together we appreciate it a lot more than we used to!

LaQueenOfTheDamned Sun 17-Nov-13 13:27:02

YANBU.

Most friendships have a limited life span, due to circumstances, life changes etc. There's no law that you have to remain friends, forever.

Back through our twenties and our early thirties DH and I had a blast. Very sociable, loads of friends, last minute weekends away, endless nights out. I have been known to dance on many a table and drink many a flaming sambucca (or 10). DH was a legend in his own lifetime, for some of the antics he used to get up to at university and beyond.

It was great. At the time.

But, then we got married, very quickly had 2 DDs and the pace of our life changed. Far less alcohol (looking after a baby, when you're hungover is no joke). More tiredness. Less cash (I gave up work).

Some of our friends carried on living the hedonistic lifestyle, and still do to this day (good jobs, no DCs) which was fine - but we'd been there, done that, and moved on. We still exchange Xmas cards, but that's it.

Luckily, most of our friends got married and had children at the same time. So, nights out became nights-in with friends, with a take out, as one of you tried to settle your DC in a travel cot upstairs.

Nowadays, our DDs are older but we have never returned to that hedonistic lifestyle.

It was a time of our lives, that we have no wish/need to return to. It was all great, but it was just glitter...what we have now is the real gold smile

squoosh Sun 17-Nov-13 13:44:43

I presume your friends were like this before you had your child, even though you claim not to remember! I don't get how you're now shocked at something I'm assuming you yourself previously participated in.

If in the past you've ever joined them in their pukey-sob fest I do think you're being a bit po faced to act so shocked at such behaviour just because you're now a mother.

None of my friends have ever been wailing bouncer botherers, pre or post motherhood.

raisah Sun 17-Nov-13 13:46:08

That's a shame but as someone said earlier you cant replace a long history like that. You can suggest a compromise for next time where you all go for a meal and then for drinks after. That way both groups get what they want in the same night. Christmas is coming up so a good time to suggest another night out. How about an activity like bowling/ film followed by meal/drinks, give them another chance before making any rash decisions.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 13:47:13

Arf at making Stoppity puke with my nauseating smugness grin

I acknowledge that what I wrote does look vomit inducing written down and not something I'd say in RL, but it sums up what I think without a long drawn out post.

I gave up the totally-out-of-your-head drinking about 5 years before I had DC when I was in my mid 20's, but I realise now that I was looking for something, and although I didn't know it at the time the DC/DH turned out to be it.

People don't go out on the lash for no reason, chucking up in corners isn't having a good time, but having children is the best thing that has ever happened to me - especially as I can stare adoringly into their eyes at will wink

annieorangutan Sun 17-Nov-13 14:51:07

Thats probably more to do with your age then zigzag as you were quite old when you married and had kids.

JustKate Sun 17-Nov-13 15:04:56

My friends and I used to party as hard as we could in our early twenties. When I hit mid-twenties (before DCs) it suddenly didn't appeal anymore. Some of my friends still wanted to party hard, a couple of others were more up for the quiet life. We discussed it a few times over drinks and came to a compromise:

We met up once a week for a nice, quiet drink in a pub. This went on for years and whilst we didn't always make it due to DCs (when they arrived), work commitments etc. it was nice to know the option was there and that we could still get to see each other. We also had brunch dates once every couple of months.

The rest of the time those who wanted to go out and get shitfaced could happily do so and the quieter ones amongst us could stay at home with our box sets and chocolate cakes and not worry about offending anyone or losing friends. We'd make exceptions for example for someone's birthday, if one of our friends wanted to go to a club for her birthday we'd go along, but in general we'd do our own thing most of the time but meet for quiet drinks/late lunches to catch up.

We're all older now and none of us are particularly party animals anymore. We don't see each other so often due to family commitments etc. but I'm really glad we kept in contact and worked out a way of seeing each other.

Maybe talk to your friends about it? Explain that you don't always want to go out and get wasted, but you do want to see them? Unless you don't of course, in which case curl up with your boxset and enjoy ;)

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 15:10:28

Possibly annie, but I wasn't decrepit when I grew out of the binging stage.

I haven't claimed to be speaking for anyone else though, the OP got what I was trying to say and didn't throw up at my revoltingly sentimental posts, so a couple of casualites along the way isn't too bad going.

(Is 29 'quite old' to get married/have DC? Nowt I could have done about DD2, we'd given up hope of having another after MCing 2)

annieorangutan Sun 17-Nov-13 15:12:47

Im that age and been married nearly 10 years so did all the crazy partying as a married woman. It is probably just because you are older than you slowed down.

wingsofgildedsilver Sun 17-Nov-13 15:21:46

doesn't have the same appeal when you know what it's like when you and your newborn are staring into each others eyes.

Things like this make me vomit in my mouth. Its all very much holier than thou.

News flash you are not superior because you have a child.

If people want to go out and drink then let them.

I really don't understand I still go out with my friends and have a few drinks and a good time without getting shitfaced. I'd rather look back on life and think I had good times with my friends whilst still being a good mum.

Not bored out of my mind sat on the sofa every Saturday night watching X Factor watching life pass me by.

tickingboxes Sun 17-Nov-13 15:25:25

YABU

If I got that drunk now, due to where I live, I wouldn't be able to get home. It was different as a student when I was 10 mins walk from town.

Plus these days I get far worse hangovers.

CloverkissSparklecheeks Sun 17-Nov-13 15:26:44

This happened to me, my friend lives abroad and I visit now and then. She is 9 years older than me (I am 34) and her and friends behaved in the same way, it was awful as they looked sad and desperate. I now will only visit if I go with my DH and I cannot bear the thought of going on nights out with them like that.

I love a drink and a laugh but that is OTT.

wingsofgildedsilver Sun 17-Nov-13 15:26:45

They're still looking for something, and you've found it.

There are no words.

hmm

Must be very high up there on your horse. Would you like a tissue for that nosebleed?

CloverkissSparklecheeks Sun 17-Nov-13 15:29:19

BTW nothing wrong with getting drunk etc, it is the crying and puking that is vile and immature. Also 45 YO women dancing on tables and twerking is grim! I still go out and have fun but this sounds extreme.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 15:35:32

Do you need a sip of water after that wings?

No high horse here, but I am a better person than I used to be when I was going out on the lash all the time.

Where have I said anyone should stop going out?

It's nice you think I have that much power on an anonymous internet forum, but I've been talking about myself, if you feel defensive and angry because of anything I've said then that's for you to work through.

There really is no need to explain yourself though.

ImATotJeSuisUneTot Sun 17-Nov-13 15:37:04

'Time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time.'

Be that drinking, socialising, cooking a meal, having a takeaway or watching x-factor. It doesnt make you boring, it makes you different.

OP, right now you are just different to your friends - not better, worse, or more grown up. If its a friendship you truly value, don't turn your back on it.

wingsofgildedsilver Sun 17-Nov-13 16:10:41

Defensive? Don't think so.

The latter point I made was in regards to the OP. It's not all about you dear.

Out on the lash? Eww. Cringe. Of course you don't want people to stop going out otherwise you wouldn't have your superiority anymore.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 16:15:22

'It's not all about you dear.'

Hahahaha grin No, suppose not.

Yes, out on the lash, I really have touched a nerve haven't I? grin

Ah well.

wingsofgildedsilver Sun 17-Nov-13 16:19:56

Touched a nerve?

LOL. If that makes you feel better to think you "touched a nerve" then ok.

I don't know what nerve thats suppose to be, but whatever.

Maybe go and see a doctor about the stick up your arse. Must be painful.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 16:22:23

Your posts really are very rude wings, and very funny grin

I'll have you know I paid good money to have that stick inserted.

Retroformica Sun 17-Nov-13 16:34:33

Are they good company day time?

Retroformica Sun 17-Nov-13 16:35:36

I agree havi g children gives a different mindset. Values change

DeepFeet Sun 17-Nov-13 16:42:36

Thank you to everyone thats posted on this thread - been a busy day and dd has been a bit poorly so have only had chance to catch up.

Thanks for the suggestions about seeing friends for dinner etc im not intending to stop seeing them at all, they are lovely people - I think its just the scene I have grown out of. Going out til all hours binge drinking doesnt appeal to me anymore, but it did used to and still does to my friends so think I will just leave them to it in the future.

I worded the OP badly I admitted I was tired. I didnt mean to come across like I thought I was better than them and wished I never started it sad

SantiagoToots Sun 17-Nov-13 17:27:28

Good luck with suggesting "other" things to do. When I suggested cinema, lunch dates, coffee etc. they were always too busy. Plenty of time to dance on bars at night though. sad It was a tough break but I ended up meeting people I could enjoy my days with.

CloverkissSparklecheeks Sun 17-Nov-13 17:33:23

You did not come across like you thought you were better than them, this is just what happens on MN I guess esp in AIBU.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 17-Nov-13 17:49:24

I dont think anyone has said theyre better than anyone.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 17-Nov-13 17:53:26

Hmm. Vomit, tears and chaos on one's own terms, for a few hours out of the whole week/fortnight/month, coupled with laughs, flirting, getting dressed up, and seeing friends... or years of vomit, tears and chaos AND POO on the terms of tiny tyrants, rarely getting to go out, see friends or dress up. I think there are pros and cons to both sides...! OP do you have mum friends? Your old mates sound fun but maybe a bit... rough. It's perfectly possibly to have a big night out without these sub-Geordie Shore antics.

thebody Sun 17-Nov-13 17:58:10

to be honest my 20s lads don't behave like this.

how sad that they think this is fun.

you have other priorities now and yes think you should move on.

thebody Sun 17-Nov-13 17:59:49

oh you didn't come across like that at all op. mumsnet can be wierd sometimes. you sounded fine.

sandfrog Sun 17-Nov-13 18:01:10

Plenty of people without DCs don't feel the need to get drunk.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 18:03:55

Apart from me Limited, up here, alone, cold and bleeding on my high horse.

This stick is getting a bit uncomfortable now, do you think wings will have another go if I get down?

YANBU OP, that sounds like a cringeworthy night out to witness wether a parent or not. (IMO)

We've lost most of our friends who get hmm when we can't go out at the drop of a hat, apparently telling them we have no child are makes us boring and not worthy of their awesome pub outings. wink

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 17-Nov-13 18:48:03

Why is it you're only interesting if you go out and get wasted and vomit? I have a friend who doesn't drink but still goes clubbing. Is she boring?

At what point do you just grow up? I was drinking too much and vomiting at 17. I still love a night out and a drink (doesnt happen much due to having DS), but I don't feel the need to get trashed now. Regardless of having children or not, I just can't be doing with a stonking hangover. Am I boring then?

Or maybe the people that label others as boring don't have much else going on in their lives. If the only interesting thing about you is that you can vomit in a corner and cry a lot, well, that makes you quite boring doesnt it....

LimitedEditionLady Sun 17-Nov-13 19:01:17

Zigzag you are making a reet mess bleeding everywhere god dammit.
I really wish I could get up there and join you but seemingly you have been deemed supremely higher so I shall rest next to you on my lanky pony.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 19:13:27

Thank you for enabling my superiority complex Ltd, I might let wings mop up the blood if she apologises wink

LimitedEditionLady Sun 17-Nov-13 19:17:20

You are most welcome oh supreme one

Bows

Please please please can i mop your blood?

josephinebruce Sun 17-Nov-13 19:20:58

I think that anyone who thinks that is a good night out are the ones BU. But then, I led a completely boring life and only ever go out occasionally for dinner with friends. Nothing to do with having children because I don't and I very much resent it when assumptions are made about my childless state and my lifestyle - often by women who have children.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Nov-13 19:24:21

'Please please please can i mop your blood?'

I'm afraid not Ltd, you're not inferior enough.

Only wings will do wink

LimitedEditionLady Sun 17-Nov-13 20:04:21

But wings shouldnt be allowed to touch such superior blood!!I'm not worthy sob shock

LaQueenOfTheDamned Mon 18-Nov-13 13:25:55

Well, I don't know about the moral highground...but, I do get what Agent means.

Back in my twenties and early thirties, I was having a ball and that was exactly what I wanted to be doing at that time of my life.

Nowadays, yep, I confess we often spend a Saturday night in with a box-set, or just have friends round for chilli/board games etc. But this is just another variation on having a ball (I swear I laughed so much last Saturday night, just playing Triv, that I very nearly wet myself, damn that pelvic floor...), and it is exactly what we want to be doing at this time of our lives.

I expect in 5 years time, our weekends will have changed again, as our DDs won't need a babysitter...life changes all the time. It would be very odd (and quite dull) if we continuted to exactly the same things all through our lives, yes?

BumPotato Mon 18-Nov-13 14:03:33

There comes a point in most people's lives when they realise they need a friends transplant.

LimitedEditionLady Mon 18-Nov-13 15:46:03

Ive had about five transplants and a half because half the organ had gone insane.

squoosh Mon 18-Nov-13 15:49:44

Some friends are for life, others are for shorter periods.

LaQueenOfTheDamned Tue 19-Nov-13 11:18:38

I agree squoosh.

Back in my early twenties I was as thick as theives with a friend I made. Spoke on the phone most days, went out 2-3 times a week. Best buddies, confided everything to each other.

The friendship lasted maybe just over 4 years? But then she met someone, she changed (quite a lot, actually) and suddenly we just didn't click anymore. We limped along for another year, but essentially the friendship had died. Quite sad, but you just move on.

For the last few years, I've been thick as thieves with my group of girlfriends who I met through school. See each other all the time for coffee, nights out etc. I can see the friendship lasting another 6-7 years because our DDs are all going to the same grammar school.

But, after that...who knows? Once our DDs go to university we intend to relocate (ideally Cumbria) and I doubt whether the friendship will last, because we'll have moved 200 miles away.

I think there are very, very few people that you bond with, to such an extent that the friendship transcends any distance, or any change of personal circumstances - and lasts for decades. I have 3, very long term friendships like this...all the rest of my friendships are just lovely, and very enjoyable, but probably won't last a lifetime.

mitchsta Tue 19-Nov-13 16:13:22

I've had the same close circle of friends since we were 5. I've always been the 'wild drinker' in the group. I'm also 'aunty' to their kids. It took me longer than them to kiss a few frogs and find someone I wanted to settle down with, so I had the freedom to go out most weekends and I did. They didn't. But going out every weekend didn't mean I was throwing up in corners or arguing with bouncers. Ever. although I may, on the odd occasion, have puked the morning after a particularly wild one

There's nothing wrong with focusing on your kids and letting your mates have their wild nights without you if you're not interested - you can stay friends and have different interests/priorities. It's worked for me. I'm verging on the settling down/having kids stage now and will have fond memories of those carefree nights out when they're no longer an option.

Having said that, there's also nothing wrong with letting friendships come and go if your wild nights out were all you had in common with that particular group of friends.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Tue 19-Nov-13 18:30:19

Loads of people decide to start skipping nights out with friends when they stop finding the vomiting and crying thing fun. Doesn't have to be anything to do with having a baby. no its just called growing up, people with no kids grow up, but having children is something that makes some of us grow up quickly, and as agent zigzag alluded to the reward of that is worth more than vomiting a shed load of money / booze over a pub carpet and calling it a great night. OP you just came across as someone who had grown up since having your child and while you clearly still love your friends you don't want that type of night out, nothing smug or wrong about that. Yes going out and getting pissed can still be fun, doing it in the extreme and quite juvenile manner of arguing, vomiting and being totally wrecked loses its appeal when you have to deal with a baby the next day. some of the posts on here are horrid, most people who have children still enjoy life and nights out but the reality is they have a child to get up for the next day.

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