Should I breakup with boyfriend who is not ready for kids

(110 Posts)
Hellokitty00 Sat 16-Nov-13 18:10:32

I am 32 and my boy-friend of 2.5 years is 5 years younger than I am.
2 years ago I fell pregnant and as we were both not ready, I had an abortion. I have regretted this decision ever since.
Then earlier ths year I was very unwell for a period and during this time discovered I was pregnant. I was delighted and surprised and wanted to keep it, however my boy-friend did not and became a monster, becoming quite verbally unpleasant. He pleaaded and begged for me to have another abortion saying we would have kids in 2 years time, not having any consideration for what risks there may be, and after realising I would not give in, he threatened to leave me and said some very hurtful things. The stress was immense from the constant arguing and I miscarried.
Becoming pregnant again has awaken my biological clock and now I have such a strong urge for children and am terrified of leaving it much longer as I am not a spring chicken.
I asked him about kids and he now says that he does not know when he will be ready for kids, and that the whole "2 years time" nonsense was said in panic. But that he definately wants kids with me in the future.
He thinks that everything has gone back to normal and that we can just carry on as before however I am offended how against our baby he was, and my parents has expressed that I should have more self esteem and find a better man who will look after me in the emotional sense, as my current boy-friend is like a teenage boy who never grew up.
However I am in love and I do believe that he is in love with me. We are both British but met working abroad. He gave up his job and moved to my city to be together / we h ave shared so much. But I know in my heart that we have no future because of the baby situation, but I am scared of the heart ache and loneliness that will follow if I break up with him. We live together and it will tear me apart seeing him go.
I am crying as I write this. I would like to bear from other ladies who were/Are in simular situations and how you got through it.
Thanks x

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Nov-13 18:11:55

How about you just leave him because he's a manipulative cunt.

expatinscotland Sat 16-Nov-13 18:12:36

You need to leave now. Don't waste anymore time on him.

VikingVagine Sat 16-Nov-13 18:15:00

Good god woman, have you actually read your OP? What a nasty cunt he sounds.

He sounds very unpleasant and childish. Hardly great husband and father material. Leave him and find a nice man who treats you properly, this one's a twat

Tulip26 Sat 16-Nov-13 18:15:31

Sounds like my ex who wouldn't even give me a hug after I had a miscarriage - for two months! He said he "didn't want me to get pregnant again."? I left him. I suggest you give him an ultimatum - you have a baby or you're leaving. And mean it. Life is too short.

WorraLiberty Sat 16-Nov-13 18:17:30

I'm sorry but if he treats you like that while you believe he loves you, I'd hate to think how he treats people he doesn't claim to love.

Read your OP back...it's all about him.

He really doesn't sound as though he gives a shit sad

KatAndKit Sat 16-Nov-13 18:19:35

I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum. Find someone else, don't get him to become a reluctant parent.

Wallison Sat 16-Nov-13 18:21:41

Do you really want to have children with this man? I mean, with him as a person? As in, have him as a role model, a guide through life, responsible for their needs, helping them to fulfil their desires? Because from where I'm sitting, he doesn't really sound up to the job. You must be feeling emotionally battered by the miscarriage and his response to it and it doesn't sound like he is supportive at all. He might have moved to be with you, but is he really life partner material? If you think he is (and I have to say that he doesn't sound it), then stay. But really you know what the answer is. It's hard, and tough, and scary, but you would be better off on your own and then you at least stand a fighting chance of finding a decent, kind life partner.

MistressDeeCee Sat 16-Nov-13 18:22:42

Reading your post made me quite sad, OP. Listen to your parents. Also think: what advice would you give to a very good friend who was in this situation? Im pretty sure you'd tell her to leave, wouldnt you? There are good men out there but you wont meet them if you waste your good years on an insensitive, callous waste of space.

ccsays Sat 16-Nov-13 18:24:52

I was delighted and surprised and wanted to keep it, however my boy-friend did not and became a monster, becoming quite verbally unpleasant. He pleaaded and begged for me to have another abortion saying we would have kids in 2 years time, not having any consideration for what risks there may be, and after realising I would not give in, he threatened to leave me and said some very hurtful things.

This is why you should leave him. It's emotionally abusive behaviour.

However I am in love and I do believe that he is in love with me

He's not. Someone who loved you would not treat you like this. Someone once said to me that a good rule is not to have kids with someone that you wouldn't be proud to have a child like. Would you be proud to have a son that treats someone like this?

MySiamese Sat 16-Nov-13 18:25:58

Good god what an awful man.

Yes you should break up with him.

StanleyLambchop Sat 16-Nov-13 18:27:04

my boy-friend did not and became a monster, becoming quite verbally unpleasant.

Read that bit back to yourself, and then ask yourself if he would be any great loss? Do not have a baby with this man. Your parents are right. There are nice men out there!

tickingboxes Sat 16-Nov-13 18:28:03

That's terrible, I'm so sorry OP.

My DP is the same age as your boyfriend, if it's any comparison. I'm also a bit older. He ideally doesn't want kids just yet but I know he would never force me to have an abortion and he says what I do with my own body is my business. If I accidentally or not-so-accidentally fall pregnant I know he would stand by me.

You need to find yourself a man with strength of character and someone who will stand by you no matter what happens.

HRHLadyG Sat 16-Nov-13 18:28:31

Please find the courage to leave this 'man'. He will not change. You don't want to build a life with someone who appears to disregard your feelings. You owe it to yourself and your future to give yourself better than this.
Would you really want him to be the father of your children?
Everything you need to be healthy and happy is within you....be strong x

PresidentServalan Sat 16-Nov-13 18:28:56

Some people will never be emotionally ready for children - you need to leave him.

He sounds awful but don't listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Presumably your parents have met him and they know you. Listen to what they are telling you. They are right from what you have said. It will hurt horribly to break up but then again, think about whether you will still be in love with this man 10 years from now, when you don't have children (he doesn't want them, you can count on that) and you are most likely too old to have any with anybody else. That would be worse surely? To have wasted all that time and your chance for children on somebody who doesn't want the same things as you.

fifi669 Sat 16-Nov-13 18:31:05

Not sure why you want a child with him? You say yourself he's like an overgrown teenager.

That said I wanted and had a child with a ridiculous choice if man myself so I won't judge too harshly!

SueDoku Sat 16-Nov-13 18:31:54

He. Does. Not. Love. You. He loves himself.

I'm sorry, but please, please look at what you have written - and LTB.

wherethewildthingis Sat 16-Nov-13 18:35:13

He sounds horrible, you should definitely get rid of him.

monkeynuts123 Sat 16-Nov-13 19:46:44

Do not have children with this man. I am sorry for your losses. Go and meet the right person and have babies together.

harticus Sat 16-Nov-13 19:49:08

Do not stay with this man.
And when you do leave him slap a warning notice on him so that other poor women don't have to put up with his shite.

Unless you're Cruella de Ville you deserve better.

He's an absolute turd. Leave.

You've wasted enough time on this man.

Someone once said to me that a good rule is not to have kids with someone that you wouldn't be proud to have a child like. Would you be proud to have a son that treats someone like this?

^^ this. He might have redeeming features, he might not. People on this page tend to post when they are emotional or just want other people to agree with them, but nothing in your OP suggests that I would ever want my own child to turn out like this man. Do you?

PiratePanda Sat 16-Nov-13 19:54:48

Your OP is chilling. Your boyfriend is HORRIBLE. Please take everyone's advice and leave now. There are plenty of decent men out there who'd love to start a family, and if not it's completely possible to do it on your own.

Girlwhoplayedwithsapphire Sat 16-Nov-13 20:22:46

Yes leave him while you can still find your happiness....., before he eventually leaves you, marries someone else and has 6 kids with them

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 16-Nov-13 20:29:05

I don't think your boyfriend should ever have children with anyone at any time.

You need to leave him as others have said. flowers

Nanny0gg Sat 16-Nov-13 20:29:49

but I am scared of the heart ache and loneliness that will follow if I break up with him.

To be perfectly blunt, you will get over this. And it's no reason to stay with someone.

Please listen to your parents. They love you, he doesn't.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 16-Nov-13 20:32:40

Presumably he knew the facts of life when he had unprotected sex with you? Or did you manage to get pregnant all by yourself?
FFS, you are 32, so you have time to leave him, and have some fun, before settling down with a decent man.
If this helps to put it in perspective, my sis was 39 when she met her partner. He was 27. He would maybe have not chosen children there and then had he not met her, but understood that she didn't have time on her side, they decided to start trying after a year, and 2 years later she had a baby. He is a wonderful father, and they are great together. It nowt to do with age. Its to do with your boyfriend being a cunt.

Pinupgirl Sat 16-Nov-13 20:33:49

I am so sorry that you aborted your baby for this horrible man. Please,please tell him to go fuck himself and go and have a lovely life with babies with someone who loves and respects you.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sat 16-Nov-13 20:40:18

You will get better and you will be happy again soon if you get rid of the fucker. You will never get better and never be completely happy if you don't.

Get rid of him.

Fishandjam Sat 16-Nov-13 20:45:15

And what about the heartache and loneliness which will follow if you stay with him? Because I'll bet, even if you do have children with him, you'll effectively be a single parent. I don't expect he'll do anything in the way of changing nappies, getting up in the night, playing with them, loving them... That's if he even stays around.

You deserve so, so much more.

paxtecum Sat 16-Nov-13 20:47:19

OP: Dump him.
He is abusive, nasty, mean, aggressive, selfish, uncaring etc etc.

DUMP HIM

specialsubject Sat 16-Nov-13 20:56:51

sorry, but please don't breed with this guy. Apart from the fact that he will dump you and abuse you, don't make any more of him.

see those hills? Head for them NOW.

Pearlsaplenty Sat 16-Nov-13 20:57:24

Op I'm sorry that you lost your baby flowers

Your bf doesn't sound very loving at all. He was completely unsupportive to you and those things he said were terrible. I think if you did have children with him he would be a very unsupportive father as well. I hope you can move on and find some peace and then meet someone who loves you who you can have a family with.

bellablot Sat 16-Nov-13 21:00:34

Wtf, LTB while you have the chance. In love with a manipulative, controlling man like this, kids with a man like this would be disastrous, why would you consider it, find someone decent who will treat you and your body some god damn respect, prick!

eddielizzard Sat 16-Nov-13 21:03:21

yes you will feel heartache and loneliness if you leave, but not for long.

nothing like how you will feel in a few years time if you still don't have children and it's too late.

i don't believe he wants kids. i don't think you should hang around.

he's got lots of time but you don't. sorry, it's a harsh reality.

There are millions of people you can have a baby with in this world who will love and accept you for who you are, who will face whatever comes their way with you and who won't treat you as appallingly as that person has done.

As scary as it may feel to end the relationship it will actually be the start of a happier life for you.

BeigeBuffet Sat 16-Nov-13 21:05:41

You deserve love
You deserve to be happy
You deserve to be with someone who is loving and can make you happy.

Life is not always happy, there are times when it's bloody awful but your baseline should be happy otherwise it's just not worth it.

There are great people out there, great men who you can have a happy life with. Don't stay with someone who can't make you happy.

ColinButterfly Sat 16-Nov-13 21:06:50

I hope you're ok. Your OP is so sad. Everything is on his terms and always will be. He's been cruel and manipulative. You will be lonelier in a relationship like this than you could ever be alone.

toffeesponge Sat 16-Nov-13 21:08:45

Stop being scared of heart ache and all that shit but start being excited about being with a grown up who treats you with love, respect and kindness and wants the same as you. ie not your current boyfriend. Nothing wrong that he doesn't feel ready for a baby but everything wrong with bullying you into another abortion. He needs to use condoms. You need to listen to your parents and get some self esteem.

toffeesponge Sat 16-Nov-13 21:10:20

Do NOT give him an ultimatum of baby or it is over. FFS. Why would you want to saddle yourself to this twat forever? hmm

thanks your reasons for staying with him are not enough. They are about shared memories. A shared past is not necessarily a happy future. And from what you have said in your OP it doesn't sound like a happy future is very likely with him.

You are only 32. Clock may be ticking for you but you have plenty if time to get over him (yes it will hurt, but yes, you will get over him) and find someone who loves you, who you love, and who will be a good father to your babies. Good luck.

You should leave him because he is a cunt of epic proportions & you deserve so much better.

GobbolinoCat Sat 16-Nov-13 21:39:48

I have heard this time and again over the years.

He probably will want children with another woman just not you.

That is so harsh but I have heard so many men tell a friend they do not want children, they break up and suddenly they are Mr Family Guy.

Leave him.

Catnap26 Sat 16-Nov-13 21:40:21

OP reading your thread made me quite sad.i know it will be horrifically heartbreaking leaving him but I do believe you know he isn't the right man for you,you deserve much better.you will get over it but yes initially it will be hard but as another poster said,look forward to meeting a man who wants children and who will respect you.

Euphemia Sat 16-Nov-13 21:46:16

Oh my goodness, please do not waste any more time on this bastard. Leave.

sad

As a whole, I think MN cares more about you than this man does.
Please look after yourself.

CoffeeTea103 Sat 16-Nov-13 21:51:29

Please please listen to your parents advice!!! This man is not worthy of you. To ask you to do this twice shock. He doesn't care for you. A man who loved you would never treat you this way.

What makes you think this man loves you?

There is nothing in your posts that shows any love, only hatred and self service in your op.

IAlwaysThought Sat 16-Nov-13 21:59:58

Leave him.

FitzgeraldProtagonist Sat 16-Nov-13 22:05:33

Good god, leave. I have been there. Do not try and fill the void with another pregnancy with this man. For the sake of your future children leave x

foreverondiet Sat 16-Nov-13 22:08:22

He might want children in 2 years time he might not. Who knows? But what you do know is that he is controlling abusive manipulative man-child.

DziezkoDisco Sat 16-Nov-13 22:09:29

flowers so sorry you lost your baby.

You are worth more than he will give you.

nkf Sat 16-Nov-13 22:10:32

He is horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Thank your lucky stars he's not ready for children. Just get the hell out.

bountyicecream Sat 16-Nov-13 22:13:03

Even without all the nastiness from your 'd'p I'd say leave. My h told me that he didn't want kids but would have them if I wanted as he didn't want to be without me. I should have run. Things have not turned out well. You need to both want children

stickysausages Sat 16-Nov-13 22:13:23

Dump the chump sad

PavlovtheCat Sat 16-Nov-13 22:14:59

How about you just leave him because he's a manipulative cunt.

In a nutshell. That.

tanukiton Sat 16-Nov-13 22:26:46

I am so sorry for your lost of your baby too. Leave. You may or may not meet a new man and have kids, but if you continue with this man your life will not play out well, will it? He does not want kids and that is ok. Being a cunt about it is not. Good luck xx

Slatecross Sat 16-Nov-13 22:31:12

I find MN to be very "leave the bastard" and sometimes not take into account other factors and feelings. But OP in your case, for fuck's sake LEAVE THE BASTARD.

You want to be happy and have kids etc? Binning this nobhead gets you one huge huge step closer.

Wuldric Sat 16-Nov-13 22:35:54

Ditch the boyfriend - he's a twunt and you seriously do not want to spend the rest of your life with this man.

ALittleStranger Sun 17-Nov-13 09:22:55

You're 32. If your boyfriend was nice than I'd still saying that letting him put the issue on ice for two years was risky. what if he says he's still not sure, what if he asks for two more years, what if it's a definite no. You're then starting again at 34. If you definitely want kids and you're planning to be fussy about who you have them with then this is a risky scenario to deliberately put yourself in.

But your boyfriend is a massive arse. Having kids with him full stop sounds like it would be a massive mistake. This isn't about him needing to grow up, he's already "matured" into a right old cunt. Get rid.

justmyview Sun 17-Nov-13 09:34:41

OP, I think deep down you know what would be best for you

Maybe you've disappeared from this thread because it's hard to hear strangers criticising someone that you love.

I get that, but I think you'd be well advised to look carefully at what they're saying. Tough times ahead for you. Sorry about your story. It's very sad

HazleNutt Sun 17-Nov-13 09:46:34

Yes you should definitely break up with your boyfriend. He's an emotionally abusive, selfish, horrible man.
Yes, children are amazing, but you can find many threads here what it is like to have children with abusive, selfish men. Having them with a loving, caring partner is a totally different experience, and you won't have this with your current boyfriend.

Joysmum Sun 17-Nov-13 09:51:58

I read the title and thought 'stay' as my husband was a good 2.5 years in being ready to try for a baby.

Then read your OP and realised your title is the wrong question!

If a man is worth it then stay, from what you've written in your OP I'd be questioning if he's worthy of you.

MammaTJ Sun 17-Nov-13 10:02:51

Don't break up with him because he doesn't want children, break up with him because he is abusive.

Hellokitty00 Tue 19-Nov-13 11:51:56

I'm really appreciative of everyone's thoughts on here. I've taken the past few days to digest it all. No other persons apart from my parents know about this and I'm glad I found this forum to get this off my chest.
Just to say, I not making excuses for my boyfriend but this episode was the only time he got really angry and was swearing/screaming at me usually he is gentle and not a bad guy but I do recognise his short-comings in terms of his selfishness and immature behaviour and how he treated me at that delicate time and the unfortunate outcome largely because of it. He is the kind of guy who gets hammered on a night out and loses his phone/ or forgets to phone/ loses wallet/ And we've had countess arguments about this. In spite of this I fear being without him incase other men don't have his good qualities. Sorry, that does sound ridiculous. I've just been in 2 other long-term relationships in my life and in hindsight those were bad choice in men. I guess in part I fell for current boyf because he was the nicest of the lot.

KatAndKit Tue 19-Nov-13 12:02:41

Best of a bad bunch isn't a reason to stay. If you leave him you could focus on saving as much money as possible so if you get to 36/37 and the right guy hasn't appeared, you have a fund to fall back on if you decide to go it alone. You have a few years yet to have kids, but this guy does not want a family with you and has made that very clear by how he has treated you. If you stay, you risk wasting the rest of your fertile years on him, getting to 40, finding he still wont commit to the family life you want, and it may be too late then. Even if he does have good qualities he does not share your vision for the future. And plenty of men have good qualities and they don't try to bully their partners into abortions they don't want.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Tue 19-Nov-13 12:03:34

Nothing in your post would alter my advice which would be to listen to your parents and leave him.

Then after you have left him, don't rush into another relationship until you can work out why you have a pattern of relationships with twunts.

I have never seen such a unanimous thread about relationships.

Sorry about your baby thanks

It is very rare to find somebody without any redeeming features and I know it is confusing when your boyfriend is 'not a bad guy'. He might be OK most of the time, BUT (a big but there) when the chips were down and you needed him he wasn't there for you. You can't trust him. What if you got pregnant again and you got him to calm down enough to have the child, would you trust him to stay with you when the child had arrived? I am not sure I would, not given his past behaviour. He is immature enough to bail at the first difficulty and children put pressure on any relationship, no doubt about it. Good ones, with mature men who want children and are grown up enough to know it takes sacrifices will survive. Relationships with immature men probably won't.

You deserve better, not somebody who will throw their toys out the pram if they don't get their own way. If you are going to have a child with a man you need to be in it together not one of you dragging the other along with the idea against their will.

Get rid of him whilst you still have time to have a breathing space and find somebody worthy of you and your future children because this man isn't.

ccsays Tue 19-Nov-13 12:22:48

I'm not making excuses for my boyfriend but

In the nicest possible way, you are making excuses for him.

this episode was the only time he got really angry and was swearing/screaming at me usually he is gentle and not a bad guy

Emotionally abusive men will work in cycles to try and keep you sweet and to keep you doubting yourself. If he was screaming at you all the time, you wouldn't be there. You said earlier that your boyfriend 'became a monster' when you didn't want to have an abortion. Would someone who is 'not a bad guy' do this?

* I do recognise his short-comings in terms of his selfishness and immature behaviour and how he treated me at that delicate time and the unfortunate outcome largely because of it. He is the kind of guy who gets hammered on a night out and loses his phone/ or forgets to phone/ loses wallet*

What makes you think parenthood will change this? Is this really the sort of man you want to be a father to your children? Or that you want your children to be like?

I've been just been in 2 other long-term relationships in my life and in hindsight those were bad choice in men. I guess in part I fell for current boyf because he was the nicest of the lot.

Best of a bad lot isn't a very good reason to stay though, and I think you know that yourself. Have you considered counselling of some sort? From what you've said it sounds like you've been in a couple of bad relationships and there might be bigger issues at play here. You sound as if you're very frightened of being alone, as opposed to being without him.

You deserve so much better than this. You say you're scared that other men won't have his good qualities, but while you're stuck with him you rule out any possibility of finding anyone who has better ones. Please consider contacting women's aid for a chat and saying to them what you've said here. Things can be better than this for you thanks

jacks365 Tue 19-Nov-13 12:29:05

Hellokitty I fell for a man who claimed to love me, was amazing and wonderful, as long as everything was going his way. When I found myself pregnant that all changed until he realised it was too late for an abortion then it was all apologies and he didn't really think things through bla bla bla. Then the next issue occurred and I stood my ground again and again I just got verbal abuse and emotional blackmail this time though it opened my eyes to the fact he really is a twunt. Lets just say mine and our child's life are less stressful and more enjoyable now I'm not just waiting for the next outburst.He tthought he'd always be able to twist me round his little finger but he found out he was wrong. Life does get better when you walk away from someoneabusive.

ccsays Tue 19-Nov-13 12:41:14

Just to add, FWIW, even if he wasn't an emotionally abusive twunt, I would be advising you to leave him.

I was with a petulant manchild who didn't want kids (when we split up he got very indignant saying that he never said neverwanted kids. He did, however, say he would hate to have them, so it seems like splitting hairs to me). I remember (of all fucking things) being in a chip shop seeing a Mum playing with her baby in the buggy and thinking if I stay with this man, I will never have this. So I broke up with him. I was scared of finding another relationship and it was incredibly painful, but it was the right thing to do.

I went on to meet a wonderful, kind man and have been with him for the last three and a half years. Our daughter is due December 20th. smile While I can't promise everything will be amazing if you leave your bf, but if you stay with him you won't get the kind of future that you want or deserve.

GeorgieWilson Tue 19-Nov-13 13:01:29

Sorry but I don't think he will ever be ready to have kids, it's easy to say some time in the future but you have to ask yourself what will change. If you really want a family, move on. Easier said than done but you'll wait for ever.

mitchsta Tue 19-Nov-13 13:27:01

Leave him. Walk away. Now. While you can. Don't look back, don't regret your decision, don't pretend that he has what it takes to become the type of father you want for your children. Because he really doesn't.

The loneliness when you break up will seem so irrelevant when you find someone who treats you properly and wants to start a family with you. You'll look back on the whole thing in complete disbelief that you ever put up with this utter arse hole. Seriously.

I have been in your "best of a bad bunch" situation a couple of times and know how easy it could've been to settle down a man who was ok/better than the others but actually not right for me. But if I'd have settled for an ex, I'd have never met the absolute love of my life.

You haven't found the right man yet. Don't settle for this. Get out now while you can. Move on. Focus on the positives. Focus on your future without him, not what you think he could become if you manage to change him. It won't happen.

zatyaballerina Tue 19-Nov-13 13:32:26

He doesn't want kids with you. He'll be able to reproduce when he's sixty if he wants. You don't have too long especially if you want more than one. Leave him and find a nice man who wants to make babies with you.

PresidentServalan Tue 19-Nov-13 19:09:28

You need to split up to give each of you the chance to get what they want - you can find someone who will also want children and he can find someone who doesn't.

PresidentServalan Tue 19-Nov-13 19:13:05

I won't join in the slating of the man though - I never wanted children and if I was the man in this situation (ie the one with no real say in the matter) I would feel powerless. Doesn't excuse his behaviour of course.

mitchsta Wed 20-Nov-13 13:56:04

I don't think anyone's slating him for not wanting kids. More because he has been an utter bastard.

samandi Wed 20-Nov-13 13:59:45

Yes. And double up on your contraception if you're still having sex.

JessieMcJessie Wed 20-Nov-13 14:05:43

Leave him and have a child by sperm donor if it really means that much to you-I know several who have done it and planned single parenthood is definitely better than having the spawn of this wanker and tying yourself to him for life.

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 03:40:29

Why do you want kids?

You do realise how bad the economy is and more mouths to feed/ people using NHS is only going to make things worse!

Were you using contraception when you fell pregnant twice? If you tried to trap your boyfriend into becoming a Dad, then you've been extremely unfair.
Becoming a parent is something no one should be forced to be.

As for biological clock- get a pet!

Being with a man you love and who loves you has got to be better than being a skint, stressed single parent hasn't it?

And even if you do meet another man, it is likely to put him off if you say fairly soon that you want kids! Sorry, but not that many men honestly want kids.

Sugarmouse1 - Are you the OP's 'D'P?hmm

And just for the record, the problem is that there is an ageing population. We need more children not less to make sure we can cover the pensions of the older people.

samandi Thu 21-Nov-13 10:52:05

And even if you do meet another man, it is likely to put him off if you say fairly soon that you want kids! Sorry, but not that many men honestly want kids.

Erm ... yes they do. More so than women a lot of the time.

ErrorError Thu 21-Nov-13 11:59:55

OP. The fact you have posted here upset about this makes me think that you know in your heart you do not want to be with this man, and I am pleased you've come here for validation of that because he sounds like a total cock. I don't know if anyone has told you this, but try reading back your OP as if it was a close friend going through this. What would you advise her to do? Don't accept less for yourself.

Me and my ex broke up for many reasons but one of them was him dangling the possibility of a family in front of me to stop me from my career goals, so I put my life on hold, and that family still never happened. Your 'D'P is a massive carrot dangler, and you owe it to yourself not to waste anymore time with him. thanks

zatyaballerina Thu 21-Nov-13 15:50:28

SugarMouse; that's bollocks, I know more than a few men who really want children, men can be just as broody as women, it's just a matter of meeting the right person.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Thu 21-Nov-13 16:34:02

Reported sugarmouse post, what a goady post

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 21-Nov-13 17:54:42

regardless if he turns round tomorrow and says he wants kids, and thats very unlikely, he isnt the man for you and no reason to stay with someone as you may not find better

you will easily find better thanks

and you are 32, which tbh is still young enough to find another man, have a year or two with him, then have kids

he is immature, he is only 27 and obv kids doesnt come into his agenda at the moment, but possibly will in 5 years, when he is your age

sorry to hear about your mc sad but dont let that be a reason to stay with a man who obv doesnt love you

WoTmania Thu 21-Nov-13 18:42:50

It's amazing how people show their true colours in times of stress. He sounds like he has very little respect for you or consideration for your feelings.
If you really want children leave him and find someone who does want them. Otherwise I fear he'll keep moving the goalposts, promising you babies 'when he's ready' etc.

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 20:29:54

BigBertha-

No, we don't, we could just invite more immigrants if that becomes the case. Much cheaper and we don't have to put up with babies everywhere

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 20:31:36

Samandi-

Really? Well why are so many men trapped/ forced into becoming fathers and why do so many pay zero child support if they wanted kids?

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 20:34:26

And just for the record 'feeling broody' is NOT a good enough reason to create human life. Why can't you think about what you can actually offer a child and actually think about other people, do we actually need any more mouths to feed in this economically fucked country?

Ullapull Thu 21-Nov-13 20:45:10

The leading cause of death in pregnant women? Being killed by their partner.

The red flags are there OP - please don't stay, the sooner you leave the sooner you can rebuild your life and your self esteem. So sorry about your pregnancies.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 21-Nov-13 20:48:59

I hope you dont have kids SugarMouse, otherwise you'd be a hypocrite.

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 20:51:49

Why?

Feeling broody is a stupid reason to have a child. If you feel angry, you don't go and act on it, do you? If you're greedy you don't stuff yourself with chocolate all day, just because you like it?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 21-Nov-13 20:54:48

Your preaching about a strain on the NHS and society by having kids, have you contributed to that strain?

waterrat Thu 21-Nov-13 21:06:25

Op I think you should talk to a good counsellor about your low self esteem and why all your relationships may have been with men who have not been good people

This man turned nasty at your most vulnerable point - he knows you want children and has been dishonest and uncaring about this

He is not a good person and if your parents are telling you to leave then I bet you are also ignoring many ba points because of your own self esteem

Please get some help to get away from him and begin again with a new confidence that there really are good men out there

Better to be single for a little while and thn meet the right person than throw your life away with a man you cannot trust

samandi Fri 22-Nov-13 08:38:28

Sugarmouse - well, presumably THOSE men didn't want kids. Perhaps that has been your only experience due to your demographic/the kind of circles you move in. In my demographic/social circles, most men in relationships do want kids - often more than the women.

There are also lots of men and women who don't want kids of course. Many women also find themselves pressurised to have kids by their male partners and families.

Lambzig Fri 22-Nov-13 09:10:29

I think we should ignore Sugarmouse and focus on supporting the OP.

It must be scary and seeing almost unanimous views on your thread, but it doesn't sound as if this relationship is going to give you what you want in life. Please be optimistic about a different future and get away from this man who clearly doesn't love you.

mitchsta Fri 22-Nov-13 14:26:53

Sorry, but not that many men honestly want kids.

What an absurd thing to say. If you were trying to provoke a reaction, then congratulations. Otherwise, I agree with samandi - it sounds like you're making a massive generalisation based on your own experiences. In my experience, men do want kids. I include my own OH when I say that. We do not currently have children.

we don't have to put up with babies everywhere everywhere? Really? Babies everywhere?!? What should we 'put up' with? Taxing paying, working aged, high earning professionals? Never gonna happen, I'm afraid.

OP I can see how it might seem scary to see all the responses on here too. But I really hope it helps you to see that you can make positive changes to your life now by making a clean break from this man.

fromparistoberlin Fri 22-Nov-13 14:48:33

everyone has said what needed to be said

good luck OP, be happy and LTB

I am sorry you have been through this x

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 22-Nov-13 16:12:59

" If you're greedy you don't stuff yourself with chocolate all day, just because you like it?"

I do actually! grin

PoppyFleur Fri 22-Nov-13 17:03:48

OP - the pain of ending a relationship is minimal to the pain of not having a child. If you desire a family then I think you know this isn't the relationship that will give you what you want.

32 yrs is not old, end this relationship soon & you have ample opportunity to meet a better man to have a family with. Many men want a family, my husband was far keener than I to have a child.

Good luck!

Yes, having children was my husband's idea too. I had to be persuaded! Plenty of men are keen to have children.

Hellokitty00 Mon 25-Nov-13 22:11:17

So I had the 'chat' with BF, said I am keen to kids and that I love him but cannot wait for him if he is unsure when he'll be ready. Said I was still angry at how he reacted, also that I never felt I got closure on losing the baby. He got upset and said he needed to move out. Then about 10 mins later he hugged me and said he loved me. So for past few days we've been just carrying on as normal ! So now I'm confused where we are with relationship and obviously haven't resolved anything!

Slatecross Mon 25-Nov-13 22:15:57

He's still there, sadly, because he doesn't have a better option to move to. Honestly you need to bin him.

Anyone who leaves you wondering what's happening, has just taken all the power in the relationship. How about you call the shots for a change?

samandi Tue 26-Nov-13 08:11:36

He's still there, sadly, because he doesn't have a better option to move to.

This.

And in his mind kids are still off the cards.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 26-Nov-13 08:34:56

You need to tell him to leave. Or better still, bag up his stuff and leave it on the drive. I don't think he will start taking your wishes and needs seriously unless you make him.

shewhowines Tue 26-Nov-13 08:50:21

Are you more scared of being on your own or are you more scared of never being a mother? Only you can decide.

Of course the third outcome is that you leave it too late to have kids and then he leaves you anyway.

DazzleU Tue 26-Nov-13 10:21:36

Op I think you should talk to a good counsellor about your low self esteem and why all your relationships may have been with men who have not been good people

^^This.

And think why are you so scared to be by yourself? It would certainly be easier to be by yourself than be a single parent few years down the line especially if ex is awkward.

You are 32 there is plenty of time for motherhood. Though not if you wait round years for someone who doesn't value you and is clearly stringing you along with the whole will have DC at some point thing.

Perhaps you should see the whole thing as a challenge and look at all areas of your current life - is there something you desperately want to do before or that could be easier before motherhood like travel - live somewhere else, change careers. Now could be that time for that change as well. Stop settling.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now