AIBU? Worried about the future.

(89 Posts)
CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:19:41

Buckle up, this is long...

OH has always had a temper. He has never been violent to me or the children but he has always been the sort to keep things pent up until he explodes - at which point something usually gets broken. He absolutely will not speak to anyone about this - I have tried going down that route before. In fairness these instances have become farther apart over the years (which is why I have never seen it as that big a deal)

Ds is 12, dd is 7. He has been asked every day for the last month or so to tidy his room. As I said, he is 12 so unless I am standing over him it usually doesn't get done!

We were all ill over the weekend (some kind of bug), they all had it Saturday and I had it on Sunday. It really hit me quite hard so I stayed in bed pretty much all day - on the Saturday OH and DS were laid on the sofa watching films all day.

I got quite irked yesterday because while I was trying to relax so I could feel better I could hear OH grumbling about how messy the place was. It was ONE day. He pays all the bills so usually I take care of the house but this was ONE fucking day. I managed to go downstairs at around 6 to ask what they were having to eat - fuck knows was his reply. I didn't have the energy to argue so I pointed out that there was food in the freezer and went back to bed. More grumbling and pans crashing could be heard.

I got up at about 9pm for all of about an hour and he was fine.

Woke up this morning and of course he hadn't bothered getting anything ready for school today so spent the morning running around like a headless chicken. I made him a sandwich which I left on the worktop with other things for his lunch and went off to take the children to school.

Came back as he was leaving. He didn't so much as make eye contact, just stormed out.

I went upstairs to find he had trashed DS' room. Pulled all the books off the bookshelves, pulled the shelves off, his lamps on the floor, his clothes rails been chucked out of his wardrobe and his wardrobe door wrenched off the wardrobe.

I phoned him at work (after a few hours of trying to calm down) to ask him why exactly he did that. He said "he had dirty clothes on his floor, hes been fucking told to tidy it and if he doesn't like it he can move out"

erm WTF? he is 12!! I am so pissed off and upset that I just cannot think straight. I don't for a second think this has anything to do with ds but everything to do with OH and I but what the hell can I do or say!?

Spirulina Mon 11-Nov-13 14:28:54

yanbu! id be worried too

your poor ds

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:30:32

I went upstairs to find he had trashed DS' room. Pulled all the books off the bookshelves, pulled the shelves off, his lamps on the floor, his clothes rails been chucked out of his wardrobe and his wardrobe door wrenched off the wardrobe.

shock Your OH is the one who needs to move out.

Lavenderhoney Mon 11-Nov-13 14:32:53

That's awful. And wrenching doors off? I have never heard of that, except in a situation where I would say leave at once as he sounds unstable.

How did he work up such a temper to do all that in an empty house whilst you were taking dc to school and after such a poorly weekend?

Your poor ds, will you support him by helping him sort his room and what about your dh? Will he apologise to your ds? Because its not a normal reaction to a 12 year old who has an untidy room.

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 14:33:59

This is disgusting and vile.

I feel sorry for your DS. The exact same thing used to happen to my best friend, she often came to school in tears because her stepdad had trashed her room for fuck all, just taking his temper out on anything. They were all walking on egg shells. She eventually ran away from home and came to my house, you really don't what this for your DS.

What you can do is either leave him, or give him an ultimatum.But I have to say people like this don't change overnight, there will be more tantrums and more fear from you and your family.

Spirulina Mon 11-Nov-13 14:34:59

lavender that's what I thought too. he was still so so angry even after sleeping on it

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 14:39:15

That's so horrible. Both his pathetic behaviour when you were ill and his nasty overreaction to your ds and his untidy room.....he even wrenched the wardrobe door off it's hinges??? That is some temper. I don't blame you for feeling worried. Alot rests on how he behaves after that outburst.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:40:19

Of course I will support him. I am trying to straighten up what I can before he gets home sad

We have a joint mortgage and because he has always paid all of it and the bills he would never leave - last time we rowed and I told him to get out he said as much and that because I haven't paid anything I would not be entitled to stay which I suspect is untrue. I don't want to break up our family (which 99% of the time is a happy home) but I know deep down that its unacceptable to live wondering when he will next lose his temper. I just wish he could see that it doesn't do him any favours. I really don't want him to come home tonight.

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:41:49

Maybe ask for your thread to be moved to Relationships, OP. There are lots of posters there who will be able to advise you.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:42:27

I highly doubt he will apologise. I know this post makes him sound like a monster but if you met him you would see how out of character it is. which is possibly why I feel so worried.

shock I think it's him that needs to bloody move out!!!!

Is your poor DS going to come home and see his room absolutely trashed? Dont see how a door that's been ripped off can be fixed.

I'm sorry but he sounds vile.

Why did you make him a sandwich this morning while you were rushing around? Did you think it would be better to make him one than have him mad at you? sad

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:43:30

If it's out of character, why won't he apologise?

That's not good at all. He shouldn't be so shitty to you, and that's an appalling way to treat a child.

It's not how loving relationships are.

You have to hit someone to use violence to control them, often breaking things works well to keep people on their toes. This is domestic violence, you know.

You are right it's not true. Of course you would be entitled to stay you are the primary carer to your dcs.

angelsgo Mon 11-Nov-13 14:44:23

so sorry to hear about your husband - I do agree with other posters that its him and not you, he was probably just annoyed that you were poorly and he had to fend for himself so he just took it out on your son. I hope you can sort everything out soon.

happydaze77 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:45:33

Op, I understand that you want to remain a family and that you are dependant on him financially, but that is no way to live your life. Nobody should have to live in fear of violence.

I think you need to sit down and speak to him, calmly. Tell him that you love him and will stick by him, but that he must acknowledge that he has a problem and get help.

struggling100 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:45:34

To state the obvious: your OH has anger issues. He really needs to address these, pronto, but first step towards that is getting him to acknowledge that this behaviour is unusual and extreme!

Perhaps it's time for a long, serious-but-supportive heart-to-heart, to find out what is wrong (chronic stress at work? repeating of parental patterns of behaviour?) and how you might address it together as a couple. I definitely think this isn't the time for blame or recrimination (however angry you rightly feel, you'll likely get further with him by remaining positive and supportive).

I am a bit worried by your financial situation, however. Am I right in thinking you are not married, and the mortgage is entirely in his name?

Plumpcious Mon 11-Nov-13 14:45:44

Have you tidied up the room yet? If not, can you take photos in case you need them in future?

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:45:57

he was probably just annoyed that you were poorly and he had to fend for himself so he just took it out on your son.

On what planet is that acceptable?

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:46:49

because from what he said on the phone he believes that he was justified in getting angry whereas I think it was an enormous overreaction over something trivial. Ok so it has been going on for a while but still

I always make his lunch in the morning, I am not afraid of him being violent to me. If we split though I would have nowhere to go - a big reason why I don't want to leave.

If you do want him to leave and he has been violent (which he has - breaking property to intimidate you counts) then the police should help. Ask to speak to the domestic violence team.

Women's Aid can help with advice.

As long as your name's on the deeds it doesn't matter who pays the mortgage.

angelsgo Mon 11-Nov-13 14:47:26

so sorry to hear about your husband - I do agree with other posters that its him and not you, he was probably just annoyed that you were poorly and he had to fend for himself so he just took it out on your son. I hope you can sort everything out soon.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:47:42

No we are married and the mortgage is joint but all payments have always come from him as he is on a good wage and I am a SAHM

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 14:48:51

because from what he said on the phone he believes that he was justified in getting angry whereas I think it was an enormous overreaction over something trivial. Ok so it has been going on for a while but still

That is a massive problem OP. If he can't see what he's done is wrong, it's even more likely it will happen again in the future.

You are really going to have to be firm here. Don't let him make excuses.

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 14:49:58

Has he got alot on at the moment? Stress at work or illness.

happydaze77 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:50:43

I am not afraid of him being violent to me.
You should be. If he can smash up a room then there is a very real danger that he could turn on you or your children. I am not being dramatic or scare mongering.

Whether or not he is justified to feel angry is a separate issue. Feeling angry does not mean he has to break things. I imagine he manages to control his anger at work and doesn't smash things there. He is making a choice and choosing to hurt you,and your children.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:51:58

Well he had the same bug we all did. He just started a new project at work but I don't think that's it because before that he was moaning he had nothing to do so I would have thought (since he works contracted hours) that the new project which equals more money would put him in a better mood if anything.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 11-Nov-13 14:53:46

Seriously OP, LTB, before he moves on from inanimate objects to people.

Get Legal advice, speak to women's aid.

Is you're family life 99% happy or only because 99% of the time you walk on egg shells and do exactly as he wants?

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:54:29

It doesn't matter what might or might not be going on in his life. Stress at work or illness - it doesn't excuse his violent behaviour.

whenitrainsitpours Mon 11-Nov-13 14:54:32

First I said to myself WTF. This is over the top. His anger is out of control. I think you are right when saying it is not only problems and frustrations with your son but something is definately going on in his head that makes him so angry and not happy. You have to let him know that his behaviour is unaceptable and that you cannot trust him because he scares you as you don't know if his anger can become worse and what will he do next.

I had a friend in similar situation and for years her husband had bad temper and would have outburst, mostly yelling and punching walls till the last time and only time he put his hands around her neck and pinned her down. She ended up filing police report and he was charged with assault, went to Court applied for Court Order to move him out of their joint tenancy and she is now a single mom. Not easy situation.

Either way not saying it should come down to that but trust your instincts. You have to protect yourself and your children. Not a good place for your children or yourself to live in fear and stress. Try talking to him to find out what is really bothering him. Sending you hugs.

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 14:55:01

It doesn't matter what might or might not be going on in his life. Stress at work or illness - it doesn't excuse his violent behaviour

Was just about to say this.

BobaFetaCheese Mon 11-Nov-13 14:55:32

He hasn't been violent to you or the children yet

If this is how he reacts to a preteen being a bit lazy, how badly will he cope with a teenager wanting to go out all night/swearing at him etc?

You tell him to get help with his anger, you tell him it's unacceptable, you're leaving, he needs to apolgise etc, you tell him something because otherwise your children are growing up in a really unhappy household. Hope your ds isn't too upset when he comes in.

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 14:55:35

My ex wasn't abusive or particularly aggressive but she would occasionally break things and it was upsetting. The thing is that afterwards she would be very apologetic and after a couple of incidences sought counselling to control her anger. Do you think he will "get" how ridiculous he has been or will he be totally adamant that he has nothing to feel bad about?

elskovs Mon 11-Nov-13 14:56:24

God that's just awful. Poor you, how scary.

Absolutely not you, all him.... he sounds like a lunatic. I don't see ANY way to justify it at all.

I really hope you let him have it. If you don't feel you can then that's probably because you are scared of him. He sounds fucking scary.

ShinyBauble Mon 11-Nov-13 14:58:05

He is wrong. As a SAHM you have rights. He would be legally obliged to support you and the children. It's all about the children's welfare. The courts like the children to have the same life, as near as possible. Call Women's Rights or book an hour with a family law solicitor if you want to know where you stand.

Badvoc Mon 11-Nov-13 14:58:27

So her swears in front of the dc and has an explosive temper?
And you are still with him..why?

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 14:58:46

I'm not saying anything excuses his outburst I'm asking because OP says that this is very out of character for him.

Badvoc Mon 11-Nov-13 14:59:35

No she didn't.
She said he has done this before.

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:59:46

No, Lilacroses, this appears to be a pattern: OH has always had a temper. He has never been violent to me or the children but he has always been the sort to keep things pent up until he explodes - at which point something usually gets broken.

Lavenderhoney Mon 11-Nov-13 15:02:13

Why is it all revolving round him and his moods? Op, why don't you see a solicitor? Speak to women's aid as well.

And trashing a child's bedroom? Because he had to fend for himself? Even my dog would laugh at that. But its not funny. Pulling doors off furniture is not losing ones temper. It is a red hot rage and uncontrollable and you and your dc should not live like this. There are people and money to help you.

It miry be an idea to move this to relationships, there are some lovely posters on there as well, who have been through such things and can be sympathetic and helpful in your misery.

Being ok 99% of the time when things are going his way is not a way for anyone to live. That 1Could you take pictures and call women's aid to see what they say? People just want you and your dc safe and not scared to come home to a violent destructive thug and bully.

EldritchCleavage Mon 11-Nov-13 15:02:31

he believes that he was justified in getting angry

Uh-oh. He was justified in getting cross. And telling off your DS. And standing over him while your DS tidied the room. And imposing some kind of further punishment for letting it get to this point, like no X-Box for a week. That's normal, responsible parenting. It takes effort and self-restraint, which your DH doesn't seem prepared to expend (who wants to stand over a moaning 12 year old directing tidying when you could be on the sofa watching TV?)

So your DH didn't do any of that. He ruined the room (so no mess cleared up). He sent a nasty and very intimidating signal to all of you about what will happen when he decides to vent his anger, which I don't think you should necessarily accept was actually caused or solely caused by the tidying issue.

Do you think bad weekend, illness, no CocacolaMum doing the hard work equals in his mind the right to take his temper out on DS's room? Because if so his underlying attitude to you all is poisonous and worrying. Can it really be a happy home if this is in the background?

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 15:03:20

I'd also be concerned that the 'man' can't fend for himself for one day. And because he's unwilling to do so takes it out on everyone else.

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 15:04:39

Sorry, apologies, I missed that bit earlier she said that she is making him sound like a monster but if you met him you would think differently. Anyway, if this is a pattern......... I agree then, I couldn't stick around someone who might explode at any dreadful for yourself and your Dcs. Definitely seek advice OP there is brilliant support on the relationships board.

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 15:04:50

Following on from what eldritch said, he trashed the room and then what did he expect... he knew YOU would be the one cleaning up the mess. Absolutely no respect to you, your belongings or your family.

And lets be honest what 12 year old doesn't have a messy room from time to time. If this is enough to get him that angry I'd be really worried about when something actually serious comes up.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 15:05:08

Lila I really don't know. He has never been good at saying sorry or anything emotional really, his dad was a drunk and very abusive, the first time I met his Dad he started physically attacking OH who was then age 24 and 6ft2 and who curled up into a ball and took it until I stepped in and told him to pack his stuff, he was leaving - totally not excusing what he has done but trying to give some background. In a way it makes this worse for me because he knows how it feels to be around.

whenitrainsitpours Mon 11-Nov-13 15:06:47

Strumpetron good point.

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 15:10:02

How absolutely horrible, my dp also had a very abusive father and her mother wasn't much help either. It's so awful to hear about let alone witness. Does your OH have any sort of awareness/fear that he is behaving like his dad? I guess not if he wont even say sorry sometime afterwards.

EldritchCleavage Mon 11-Nov-13 15:11:06

OP, I'm not surprised you are worried about the future. What happens when DS is a bigger, stronger and mouthy 16 year old. Full-on fist fights?

Dahlen Mon 11-Nov-13 15:16:26

Your OH is being completely unreasonable.

At 12, your DS is old enough to understand he should have tidied his bedroom and if that was my DS I would certainly be doing something about it. I think a lot of parents would TBH, but I doubt they, or I, would actually be furious. Irritated, exasperated yes, furious to the point of smashing up furniture, no. That's just downright ludicrous. confused

It's very teen-like behaviour from your OH. As a teen I had an explosive temper. Venting it in a way similar to your OH resulted in me ending up with several stitches. I decided then that such violent outbursts were counterproductive. They didn't achieve anything other than a lot of mess that then had to be cleared up (my mother made me do that, despite the stitches) and because they quite often backfired (i.e. hurt me, created extra tidying, cost me money to replace things, etc), you couldn't even half the satisfaction of venting as an excuse. The negative consequences far outweighed the positive of releasing all tha anger

I think you need to get your OH to leave even if just for a couple of nights and even if really you have no intention of ending your relationship for good. Until your H realises that his violent outbursts have negative consequences for himself, he will stick to being defensive about his behaviour until you've 'got over it' and absolutely nothing will change.

Meanwhile your poor DS is seeing a model of bad behaviour not only tolerated but 'fixed' by someone else (you), which is not good. It teaches him that people aren't held accountable if they can dominate or just ignore others - possibly a model he's already taken to heart as demonstrated by his refusal to tidy his room. I wonder if the irony of that would be lost on your OH...

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 15:16:45

That is concerning as Strumpeton Dd has a hideously messy room and it drives me mad but if it makes your OH behave like that it is really worrying.

Op, your h's abusive history doesn't excuse his current abusive behaviour, but it does to some extent explain it. It might be a starting place if he wants to change and not damage your children in the way he was damaged.

But it doesn't sound like he wants to change.

If he does, his go should be able to refer him for chr-based anger management. Group courses are particularly good, most trusts have them available for domestic abusers (often joint funded by the police and NHS). Even if he does want to go down that road, you do not need to livewith him while he completes the work, nor are you obliged to return to him afterwards.

That should say cbt-based anger management.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 15:37:09

Thank you attheendoftheday I think I will tell him to see his GP. I don't really go in for ultimatums as such but I do know that when I said for better or worse it was for me, not my children..

I am bloody tempted to not tidy ds room and keep the door shut until OH comes home so he can see what he did. Maybe seeing it while he's calm would make a difference to how he feels about it? does that make sense? or would I just be kicking the hornets nest?

I know some of you have said he could escalate to violence against me but I genuinely don't believe that would happen. That's not to say that I won't be looking for legal advice. I would like to know where I stand.

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 15:39:27

I think you should leave it as it is and ask him to clean it up, tell him you're not being responsible for cleaning the mess HE created up.

I think it will kick the hornets nest, but I also think that his reaction will be just the indication you need, and why the hell should YOU tidy it up?

If you are thinking about legal advice, take a picture of what he did to the room.

DH used to break stuff when angry. He had a Narc father and was acting just like him. However, when I said, "this is unacceptable" he stopped, doesn't do it any more. Your DH won't apologise and won't change. This is worlds away form acceptable.

MyNameIsWinkly Mon 11-Nov-13 15:52:30

The problem with suggesting anger management is that I seriously doubt he has an anger management issue. He manages it perfectly well by taking it out on his family, like most abusers. Think about it. How many times, when stressed and furious, has he verbally abused his colleagues and smashed up his office? I bet he never has.

BalloonSlayer Mon 11-Nov-13 15:59:21

"I am bloody tempted to not tidy ds room and keep the door shut until OH comes home so he can see what he did. "

You are only "tempted." shock Of COURSE that is what you should do. How else is this appalling excuse for a human being going to take any responsibility for his utterly foul behaviour towards his own child?

The way you word it suggests that in the past you have tidied up after his violent outbursts. If that is so, then that makes YOU his enabler.

I'd like to suggest that you lock him out and call the police telling them that you have done this because you are scared of him, as last night he trashed a child's room for no reason. See what they have to say.

But I don't suppose you will.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 11-Nov-13 16:05:55

Trashing a child's room is pretty extreme behaviour.

If you are planning to allow this man across the threshold of your child's home again, I think you need to make sure HE (the dangerous man) is the one that tidies up.

You could take steps to have him excluded from the home he has just smashed up and then you should probably restore it to normal so that your son isn't deeply disturbed by what his father has done to his room.

Dahlen Mon 11-Nov-13 16:06:57

While there is no way in a million years I would personally tolerate it, I don't think it's true to say that all people who vent their anger on inanimate objects will inevitably end up directing it at people. It is certainly a red flag, but it is an indicator, not a certainty.

OP I'd say you have cause to worry if it noticeable that it is usually other people's belongings which bear the brunt of your OH's anger. That is a common indication that other people are seen as 'lesser' and therefore could become viewed as perfectly ok to hit.

I also agree that the most worrying trend based on what you've told us is that there doesn't seem to be any remorse demonstrated after these outbursts. That and the fact that you are even asked if it's ok to leave the mess for your OH to clear up and that you're scared he may kick off again if challenged in this way. That to me says more about the health of your relationship than your OH's initial outburst.

I can imagine that your OH;s behaviour is very much linked to his experiences with his father, but that is his problem to sort out. You can support (if you want to) certainly, but you can't fix, push or do it for him. He has to have the desire to that for himself.

choccyp1g Mon 11-Nov-13 16:12:17

If anyone else smashed up your house, you would call the police.

Call the police, and a locksmith. Show the police the room, tell them who did it and that you are chucking him out.

If he kicks off when he finds himself locked out, call the police again.

Arrange for the DCs to be elsewhere until he is well and truly gone.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 16:13:37

The last time he did anything like this was about 2 years ago. We argued in the morning and I stormed out.
I came back to find that the pane of glass in our patio door was all cracked, I asked him wtf had happened and he had thrown a bowl on the floor in anger, it had bounced and hit the door smashing the door (the bowl was just a little chipped which I was pretty impressed by at the time) and it was so farcical I actually laughed and told him that it was an expensive temper tantrum.

choccyp1g Mon 11-Nov-13 16:14:04

Sorry if I sounded a bit terse, but I am welling up thinking how your DS would feel to see what has been done to his room. Terrified.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 11-Nov-13 16:24:33

Yes, that's the thing.

The kid will be (rightly) terrified if he sees what his father has done to his room.

You won't undo that damage in a hurry.

Tulip26 Mon 11-Nov-13 16:31:57

I am a firm believer that the apple never falks far from the tree. His Dad was the same and if you don't show this this behaviour is unacceptable, your son could end up being the same.

You need to take action on this and show your child that this is not normal behaviour. I would suggest, as other posters have said, seeking legal advice, calling the police and changing the locks. He will not change, they never do. The damage has been done by him growing up experiencing violent behaviour as the norm. Don't expose your children to it for a minute longer.

Tulip26 Mon 11-Nov-13 16:34:28

* Falls!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 11-Nov-13 16:59:09

How will you feel if your DS grows up with the same behaviour having learnt it from your DH. Are you ok with that?

Lavenderhoney Mon 11-Nov-13 17:15:27

He has smashed stuff up before? Its a horrible way to live, and not normal. Did his dm put up with it? To keep the family together? It hasn't ended well, has itsad

Normalising it and thinking its funny are coping strategies, but in the long run you must see this is no way to live. Your ds shouldn't have to cope with all this. Smashing up his safe place, his room.. How would your dh feel if someone smashed his stuff up? Does he smash up things at work? No- because its not tolerated.

If you want to stay with him, its your choice as an adult to stay, as there are other options - but your ds has no choice, unless he runs away. Is there a grandparent he could live with that would provide him with a safe and secure, happy home whilst your dh works his issues?

I hope your ds has a school teacher or someone to talk to- you should encourage that, however unpleasant for you. He should not be expected to keep his df dirty secrets to present a front of a happy family.

LadyBeagleEyes Mon 11-Nov-13 17:36:29

Your poor ds sad.

elskovs Mon 11-Nov-13 17:51:57

Pobble your post makes you sound like a total cow, same to you LadyBeagleEyes and Lavenderhoney - do you really imagine you care more about OPs son than OP does herself?

Do you realise you sound as if you are blaming OP?

I hate it when posters get cross at the OP for not immediately agreeing to LTB.

haveyourselfashandy Mon 11-Nov-13 17:54:58

That's seriously fucked up op.The fact that he was fine at 9pm for an hour,then went to bed then got up this morning and trashed your 12 year olds bedroom is just,well,I can't even find the words.Your ds does not deserve to have his room trashed because he won't tidy up!What kind of adult reacts like that? I find it quite sinister actually.Hope your ok op and definitely get some legal advice and see where you stand.You deserve more than this

Mouthfulofquiz Mon 11-Nov-13 17:58:47

Unfortunately you are bringing up a son to see what adult males supposedly behave like! Well - most men do not behave like this, and he is condemning his son to a lifetime of the same unless he sorts his shit out!

persimmon Mon 11-Nov-13 18:04:18

That is not normal OP and I'd be very worried if DH did something like that. Smashing things counts as intimidation; it's like he's saying 'I could do this to you'.

Lavenderhoney Mon 11-Nov-13 18:10:01

Elskovs, not at all.

Op is not to blame for her dh behaviour, and it is in no way her fault. Its a horrible situation for her to be in.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 11-Nov-13 18:13:32

Elskov, no where am I blaming the OP for her DH's behaviour or saying leave him. But the DH had learnt behaviour from his dad and the DS will grow up with the same behaviour. So yes it is something the OP should be considering. There's no need to be insulting. Personally I think your post is bollocks.

LadyBeagleEyes Mon 11-Nov-13 18:17:00

So you don't feel sorry for the ds elskovs.confused.
He's 12 and his violent father has trashed his room.
How you can go from my 3 word sentence to accusing me of blaming the op is bewildering.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 18:30:30

sorry I have not replied for a while. OH came home just as we were getting ready to go to the shops so I left him to it and took ds with me. Had a good long chat with ds about the situation and reassured him that he wasn't to blame and that OH was being childish which is why we were going to leave ds' room alone and let OH deal with it.

Got back to find that OH had put some of the room back together (shelves back up and bookcase back together but there's not a lot can be done about the wardrobe, he can sodding well buy him a new one) and he and dd had gone into the workshop to do some jobs he had started last week. I have not spoken to him, just asked dd to come inside for dinner.

I did take pics of it before OH got home in case I need them. Its easy to say LTB but in reality it IS more complicated and I don't want to do that unless every other avenue has been explored. I am not not talking to him because I am afraid, I am livid that he's put me in this position and also I know I am trivialising this to ds but I don't want to actually come out and say "you are being a fucking moron" in front of them.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 11-Nov-13 19:16:26

Ok, so you aren't going to leave him, so what are you going to do?

Not talking to him is temporary, and this will happen again. He won't recognise that he has a problem and that this is unacceptable. So far you are just putting up with it, which isn't going to solve anything.

He has to realise you won't be tolerating it anymore, and mean it.

elskovs Mon 11-Nov-13 20:05:13

I feel more sorry for OP than her DS. He will be fine, he has his mother to look after him.

Its so insulting, insinuating that by not reacting strongly enough she is letting her son down and is somehow a inadequate mother. As if she needs strangers on the internet to look out for her son. All that bollocks about some poster welling up at the thought of her terrified DS... please.

Posts like yours LadyBeagle ARE accusatory, and totally unsupportive.

LadyBeagleEyes Mon 11-Nov-13 20:11:42

And you gleaned all that from me saying 'your poor ds'?

elskovs Mon 11-Nov-13 20:18:55

Yes. Why not say "Poor you OP" ?

Your intention was to make her feel guilty.

That's shitty.

DownstairsMixUp Mon 11-Nov-13 20:21:06

I have said it a few times on here but if you really think LTBing him is not an option (at this point in time, I hope) then the only other option IS to tell him he NEEDS to see his GP and address whatever issues he has (and he clearly has them, we all get angry, we just don't choose to wrench wardrobe doors off handles or smash things up) That isn't a "normal" way of dealing with anger and I wouldn't want my children witnessing that and seeing that as a normal way of dealing with emotions and feelings. You said you can't talk to him, could you not write him a letter? I'm afraid in this situation you would have to issue him an ultimatium? Either he speaks to someone about it, or you do leave. He can't have it all. Also with writing it down in a letter you can say everything without him inturrupting you to?

haveyourselfashandy Mon 11-Nov-13 20:34:43

I feel for you op.Don't trivialize it to your dc's though,they need to see that this behaviour is very wrong and not acceptable.I know how hard it is to leave,been there myself and one day he will do something that makes that decision for you (not violence necessarily) perhaps he will trash something else and you will say enough is enough.

choccyp1g Mon 11-Nov-13 20:52:38

Elskovs You might think it's bollocks that I was welling up at the thought of her poor DS.

I can assure you I was terrified when my father did that sort of thing, even though he never "laid a finger" on my mum or us DCs. It was still terrifying.

Sidge Mon 11-Nov-13 20:53:46

I find it more worrying that he trashed the room in cold blood - not over the weekend in the heat of the moment. He waited until everyone was out of the house and deliberately and methodically trashed a 12 year olds bedroom.

That's fucking scary sad

My mother's partner did shit like this. It took me years to forgive her (l never forgave him, of course).

Rightly or wrongly I felt my mother prioritised an aggressive bully over her own child, and I lost almost all respect for her as a result.

Decades on I have every sympathy for you, OP, but I also know full well that your children need you to stand up for them. If you do nothing, you're letting them down. Sorry.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 11-Nov-13 21:59:42

Tell him to fuck off.

I wouldn't stand for any grown man to trash my child's bedroom.

That's the bottom line. Whatever it takes.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 11-Nov-13 22:01:04

Whatever it takes.... Do it.

Morloth Mon 11-Nov-13 22:05:38

The DS has no choices here, he has no power.

The OP can choose to stay, it is a 'rock and a hard place' decision certainly.

But still, she has choices the children don't.

She is also not learning that this is how a man behaves, either by learning how to be a man, or learning what to put up with in one - her children are.

So yes, Poor DS.

This isn't 'normal' behaviour OP. He does it because he likes it. He can control himself, he just chooses not too because he doesn't care how you feel as long as he is happy.

Actions speak louder than words, and destroying your little boy's room because you are pissed off with his sick mother is a pretty loud action.

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