To be offended at very expensive Christmas present?(142 Posts)
I have just found out DH has bought me a philips lumea hair remover thingy at the cost of about £350 for Christmas when we said we were going to spend around £150 each max. I mentioned in a short conversation the other day that I was considering getting one, and I was about to buy one on Amazon this evening when he told me not to because he had already bought me the top of the range one for christmas. And now he is in a strop because he thinks I'm ungrateful but I think I've got good reasons. I'm also not really bothered about getting lots of presents- I didn't get anything apart from a joke present from my brother for my birthday and I didn't say anything so I'm not being a brat.
We are spending christmas with the outlaws, and I was interested in getting a lumea because I'm very self-conscious about my body hair, so the thought of opening this as my present on christmas morning frankly fills me with utter horror, as it will no doubt be discussed as his mum and sister will probably know what it is and what it's for.
The reason that I've ummed and ahhed about it is because I'm not sure that it will work on my skin tone, and I think it's a very expensive mistake to make if it doesn't work. It's not the first time he's done this- there have been other (expensive) things that I've discussed with him previously which he's gone away and bought without telling me- a couple of years ago after saying "I might get a food processor" one time, he spent £300 on a magimix that I'd already decided that we didn't have room for in the kitchen and that I'd never use (thankfully was able to cancel it on amazon before it dispatched), and the last time my laptop needed replacing, I asked him to just research a new one for me, and he went and bought one, took it out of the box and set it up (probably so I couldn't return it).
Anyway, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that he's spent over twice what we agreed on something I wasn't sure I wanted or would work, and would feel like a monkey circus freak opening on christmas morning anyway? I know he's trying to be nice but he didn't seem to understand why this would be an offensive present, or why if I'm discussing buying something it's because I'M THINKING OF BUYING IT, not trying to drop hints!!
It's the thought that counts
Er, while I understand your reluctance to open the Lumia in front of family members (can't you do that at home, and dh buy you some smaller gift to be opened publically?) I'm sorry, but I do think YABU. Your dh buys you lovely presents, and you're pissed off? I think you need more communication with dh. (I'm also assuming you can afford these things as a couple.)
YABU, he is trying hard to get you thoughtful gifts and perhaps jumping the gun a bit but at least they are things you DO need/want.
YANBU to be annoyed at him going against what you'd agreed, he seems to associate shed loads of cash for a present with how much he feels for you.
Totally missing that it's not the cash you value but the item you want, as well as that he's thought about you and what you want, rather than him and what he thinks you should want.
It's good he's kind of listening to what you're saying, but he's such an eager beaver he doesn't wait to listen to the end of it
DNBU to not want to open something you find personal in front of your IL's
I would go with that bit this time, work on the overspending as and when.
I think that's my point- I'd be happy with a £1.99 selection box but he's obviously equated spending lots of money with thoughtful gift. Not the fact that I would have been absolutely mortified and would probably have run out of the room crying if I'd opened that on christmas morning. Might as well buy me some spanx, clearasil, superstrength deodorant and a copy of how to win friends and influence people while he's at it...
Also am I missing something on the Lumea thingy? Since when has hair removal been embarrassing? E.g lady shavers/epilators - I wouldn't be at all bother to open that? Or is this Lumea something different?
'It's the thought that counts'
It's not just the thought though is it? It's £200 extra around Christmas when you can't afford it.
If he thinks like this buying your present, does he expect the same back?
Even £150 is a heck of a lot of cash each!
If you're sensitive about something flame, the last thing you want is your whole family discussing it across the room!
Totally understand. I would be mortified opening a present like that in public. If you can't cancel the order then return it. Tell DH you don't want it.
Then speak to him about this buying stuff for you when you want to choose it yourself/are not sure you want things. He is trying to be helpful but is coming over as thoughtless and a bit controlling.
i think he should have got you an astounding
I am not being trite. If he has form for equating ££££'s with love, then be specific
" i would like a 1.99 selection box and 14 of the above
Agent, to be honest when I read the example of Spanx I kind of understood. Now that would be mortifying
OldLadyKnowsNothing we are staying there for the whole of christmas, so no not really able to open it at home, and if I hadn't been about to buy one it would have been opened on christmas morning and I would have known nothing about it. Me discovering he'd bought it was entirely by chance. I don't like him spending money we could use for other things on things I don't need and have already decided that I'm not going to buy. We don't have joint finances but we do have some joint expenditures and I think if I've decided that something is not worth the money, it doesn't become more good/useful/suitable because he has bought it, not me. Just because some people would like to receive those kind of presents, doesn't mean I do. I like to earn things that I want myself.
I wish I could spend £350 on ANYTHING...
Would it be in really bad taste , tactless and unsympathetic to ask you to report back on its effectiveness and ease of use ?
It's not a great present. Aside from the cost it's too utilitarian.
Wish I had a partner at Xmas...
So you were planning to spend approx £200 buying your own basic Lumea.
DH was meant to spend £150 on your present.
Instead he chose to spend £350 on the top of the range Lumea and you saved the £200 you were going to spend.
So, overall the amount of money spent is same, you get the "better" version and he thinks he has bought you something you actually want instead of spending £150 on guessing what you might like.
If it was that you really can't afford it, I'd have some sympathy but you were going to buy one for yourself for no special occasion so money isn't really the issue.
Poor bloke, he must have been so pleased to have a good gift idea for something that you'd really want.
Stop telling about things you're only thinking about. Do the thinking, decide what you're going to buy and what might make a good present, then tell him. Maybe he'll buy something you want, maybe he'll think up something himself.
MrsCakesPremonition - If he'd asked me I would have told him something that I wanted which costs much less than that. I was planning to buy the same model actually (I've been saving up for a while) but like I said I'd been looking at them for a while but wasn't sure if it would be worth it. I didn't realise the conversation we'd had where he said it was a good idea was actually him trying to convince me that spending £350 on one possibly ineffectual item is not complete idiocy. I wasn't sure if DH was going to get me anything for christmas actually- last year he didn't but I wrapped some stuff I'd bought myself anyway so he could save face in front of my family. I would have rather spent £50 max each and put the rest towards a new boiler, but money burns a hole in his pocket (part of the reason we don't have a joint account). I either get nothing at all, or random astronomically expensive electrical item I neither need nor want. I would really rather just have bubble bath.
Talk to your DH. Return the item. But honestly, don't waste your energy being offended, it will just corrode your relationship.
Well, tell him that!
lottiegarbanzo I told him I wanted new tools for the dyson- no, he does not like this. Wine? No. Stuff for my car? No. Jewellery? No. Clothes? No. He's only interested in stuff I want to get for myself. I've told him things to get me for christmas until I'm blue in the face, but he waits until I have a conversation in which I say "I'm thinking of getting.....", meaning I am thinking of personally buying it, during which time I get no feedback other than a passive disinterested "yeah sounds good", and then he goes and spaffs a load of money on it, whether I've decided against it or not. I don't know how many more times I can have the conversation of "If I haven't bought it yet, it's probably not worth buying".
caitlin they are really good the results have really impressed me dh.
I've got a Philips Lumea, well I had one. I ended up binning it as it was total crap. It didn't work at all, total waste of nearly £400
My exH used to do this - drove me potty, YANBU. I just wrote and then deleted a totally identifying story of me saying, casually, I liked something that we were looking at together - and he bought it for Xmas. Very expensive totally wrong for the house - he couldn't get his head around the difference between saying I liked something and wanting to own it. I like llamas and alpacas but please don't get me one, I like David Hockneys paintings but wouldnt dream of spending my retirement money on one (different story if I won the lottery ).
With my ex it was part of a very grandiose personality ("look how great I am") and he really did associate the amount of money spent on a present with its value. Like you I'd rather Have had something smaller - particularly if you had agreed a budget. In my Ex's case there was a kind on one up manship going on there too.
You agreed a budget and he didn't stick to the agreement so YANBU for being annoyed about that - and I agree that it is also a strange present to be expected to open in front of family.
It's really odd that some years he gets you nothing
What on earth is that all about?
How did he break it to you that he'd not bothered?
It must have been convincing if you went to trouble of wrapping up the stuff for him to save face.
You should have sent it back to the company NoArmani.
Binning something worth £400??
So he carefully makes a note of things that you say you really want. You were saving for a Lumea and he bought you a Lumea. So you've got your Lumea and you get to spend the saved money on something else entirely. How awful for you.
But, presumably, because you talked about getting this item yourself - and only thought better of it later - he thought he was giving you a massive treat in splashing out on the top-of-the -range version for you.
Although it is a lot of money - which you consider a waste, as you were going to buy it on Amazon - Christmas is seen as a time of indulgence by many - precisely the time when you wouldn't count the pennies but just try and get your nearest and dearest something they would really love. And you did say to him that would like one!
I, personally, wouldn't be angry at him not buying any of the list of suggested presents you gave him. He probably thought the choice should be up to him! I think there's something a bit joyless in just telling someone what you would like and leaving nothing for the giver to do but find it in the shops. He obviously hoped to give you a lovely surprise on the big day by giving you something he thought you would love but could not afford to buy yourself.
I'm quite sure the "embarrassment" factor never occurred to him, so I wouldn't hold that against him.
However, if you''ve really changed your mind about it and don't want, I agree that you should try to exchange it - but tactfully, as you''ve ruined what he saw as his lovely, generous surprise.
'Binned' a Lumea? In an actual bin? You do know that you need to persist with the hair removal, it isn't an instant thing.
AgentZigzag I expected it- it's just what he's like. I'd picked up some other stuff while I was out shopping anyway (new clothes and some makeup) and just left the packaging on just in case. So when I was wrapping the last couple of presents on christmas eve I said quite casually "have you got me anything?" and he sort of shuffled about a bit and said "Ummm well you're quite fussy so I wasn't sure what you wanted so, ummm no". Given that I had an amazon wish list I doubt it was that difficult, but hey whatever. I'd rather that than ruinous electrical white elephants. I'm honestly not difficult to buy for. Boots 3 for 2 sanctuary gift sets and I'm a happy bunny.
Squoosh - only really decided to buy it after he convinced me it was a good idea- before that I'd been saying I was looking at it but it wasn't really worth it and I wasn't sure. I'll probably spend it on the boiler now, or give him back the money if he can't return it. I hate being bought.
What is it that makes you OK (ish) with him not buying you anything, and him getting you something that's too big? (apart from the cost)
If you can accept that's how he is with nothing, can you accept that's how he is with the OTT ones?
Well, if he didn't get you a present on your birthday ( maybe because birthdays aren't considered so much of a "thing" in your household?), perhaps he was making up for it by buying you something really substantial for Christmas.
Meant that to say 'but not with him getting you something that's too big?'
'I hate being bought.'
That's a bit of an odd thing to say is it not? Is there something more to this than him buying you an expensive item you hadn't fully decided on?
Mayb you should just avoid mentioning things that you are still just considering getting, so he doesn't go and buy them prematurely. That seems to have happened two or three times now. He genuinely thought you wanted them, didn't he?
On the face of it, he seems to consider what you want to be important and to be generous as well - just a bit impetuous.
I think you're sounding quite ungrateful to be honest. He's trying hard to surprise you & buy you something he thinks you'd really like.
Poor bloke; bet if he'd just brought you a selection box you'd be on here saying 'aibu to be upset that I only got a selection box for xmas'. He can't win either way!
Ive never had that much spent on me or something I really wanted.
Although I do like the chocs or candles, I get they are a bit cheap.
There is a time when a fugal gift is really only a gift tot he purchaser.
You were going to buy it anyway so he's upgraded it for you that's all.
I wouldn't be embarrassed about opening it, I'm not embarrassed when I see them in the shops.
He's got to get you another smaller present anyway since the surprise element had gone know.
Just be grateful it's a good present (I don't know about this but would probably like one myself)
YABU, he bought you something you had been thinking about buying anyway. I would be delighted if DH did that as I am always dropping massive hints, but he never gets it.
He may think that you are hinting at things, maybe you should stop discussing things you are looking at buying.
I really hate getting expensive gifts. I tell DH before every Christmas and birthday not to buy gifts for me.
Getting a gift should not be about making the giver feel good about how much they spent on you while making the receiver feel guilty and ungrateful.
I really love a genuinely thoughtful non expensive gift such as a t-shirt, booze or chocolates, etc.
you don't sound as if you like your husband much.. The contempt for him is oozing out of your posts.
On the one hand it is good that he got you something you might actually want/ used although I too would wobble at the price. If his family are of a type which surely he must realise then he might have considered their likely reaction - it could almost be seen as colluding with their in-jokes about you.
Dh to this day still does not see why opening a book called 'the embarrassing parents' having said that he chose it specially in front of my rather embarrassing (to the 26 yr old me) straight laced parents - would be a problem. He just thought it was funny yet they are not the sort of people to take a joke. If he had given it to me on my own it would have been funny.
If he had turned around when you said it was too much and said - you know what I will buy it as an extra treat for you out of my money because I think you need something for yourself then I don't think it would be inappropriate. Why don't you suggest that he gives it to you now so that you can use it before Christmas, turn up at the IL feeling better about yourself, then buy a few cheaper things which you need around the house for you to open at PIL - it won't seem out of place if he often forgets anyway.
Cant you just tell him to return it and then buy you 6 professional ipl/lazer sessions? This will be cheaper and also the profi can give you help and advice on getting the best effects.
I would never buy a Lumea personally but have ipl/lazer intermittently. Its great! Unfortunately my DH is also tactless as hell and yesterday kindly suggested that i might like to get my tache done again
Have a look on Groupon, they often have deals for things like this.
I understand the "hate being bought" comment. It seems that spending wildly should forgive all because the money is being spent on you.
It is so passive aggressive. It is to put you under obligation, having to choose between "See my going over budget and embarrassing you isn't a problem, I was right and you were wrong" or "you said you wanted this thing which doesn't work anyway, you're difficult and ungrateful"
There was a thread last night with some woman complaining that her DP never listens when she mentions things she would quite like as a present, and so she get rubbish presents, and she hates it.
Then now there's a thread with a woman complaining that her DP listens when she mentions thing she would quite like, and buys her them as presents, and she hates it.
I feel like these two threads together might be the perfect example of why no one can win, ever.
You do know that you need to persist with the hair removal, it isn't an instant thing
It wasn't made clear that it was unsuitable for lighter hair until after I'd bought and tried it, so for me it was useless. I passed it onto a friend who also found it to be crap.
YABU I think. Next year say you're think
...thinking of getting something you'd actually like him to buy you.
Take the money you'd saved and buy yourself something that's suitable to be opened in front of your in-laws.
yanbu at all. i ended up never ever mentioning anything i liked in front of my ex cos he would scamper off and buy it for me. if i picked a dress up or tried one on in a shop he would remember it and sidle off to buy it to 'treat' me. if i liked it id have bought the fucking thing i dont need you to.treat me to.something i.obviously dont like!
my ex was controlling.in other ways as well though
YABU. You sound ungrateful and rude. Your poor DH is trying his best, listening for clues of things you'd like and when he buys them, you don't want them! I also totally don't get the embarrassment factor. It's hair removal, not condoms!
Id have been touched my dp had remembered. Think it was a nice thought
Wow how ungrateful are you! Your husbands buys you something he knew you wanted and you get in a strop because....you will be embarrassed to open in front of family...it was more than the budget you agreed.
IMO I'd be grateful and think how lucky you are!
Oh dear. It does sound as if he is trying really hard but that he has quite a hard job, him being a bit gauche around presents, you being hard to please, etc.
I wouldn't want to open that publicly as present either.
If I were you I think I would be really happy that he bought it for me, thank him, a lot, and then explain that the reason I want / need it is due to feeling self conscious and so would feel self conscious opening it in public. So for Xmas day, could he give you a pretend or decoy gift to open, perhaps some lovely toiletries to use o your newly unhairy skin. But without mentioning the newly unhairy skin of course. He may need that spelled out to him.
This does sound like a classic sort of 'Men are from Mars' sort of communication issue.
Well its been on offer for £250 in the last few weeks so maybe he got it a bit cheaper?
Oh and I keep mentioning how much I'd love one to dh hoping he takes the hint and gets me one for Xmas.
is being in control v important to you? Maybe you resent the lack of control choosing and buying it yourself. You don't sound like you like getting presents at all tbh
If he has got you it then it saves you getting it. Just ask him for it now. It is nice that he thought of you tbh.
Then at Christmas he can get you something smaller which you feel comfortable opening in front of your in laws.
I understand the part about needing to return it, I am just about to buy the No No system off QVC, as it is included in their returns policy, if you find it doesn't suit you.
My middle DD has PCOS and is dark skinned, so is embarrassed by having dark hair in her thighs etc.
She isn't embarrassed to talk about it, or her periods, I think that you work on getting over that.
Every woman (and man,if you include shaving) indulges in hair removal of some sort, I don't see why you would need to go into any details about why you wanted it.
Quite a lot of people are saying this is a lovely treat. I'm sorry but I don't see it that way. For me, buying one was about being able to privately deal with an issue that has upset me since primary school (without having to go to a salon etc). I discussed buying it with him because a) I feel it's important to discuss large purchases and make sure they're worthwhile, and b) he's pretty much the only person outside work that I talk to on a daily basis, and I'm not very close with work colleagues, so yes I talk to him about stuff. To have him buy this basically feels like him saying "yes, you're right you are really hairy and you should do something about it. Here's your christmas present". Nothing nice or pretty to open, just an acknowledgement of the fact that my biggest body hangup is actually real and disgusting, not in my head. If I want to do something about it that should be up to me, not him. If he had said "tell you what I'll get you one for christmas and you can spend your money on something else" I would have very nicely told him that it's a nice thought but I'd rather get it myself and he get me something which makes me feel nice, not like a circus freak. He knows I don't like surprises, and he knows there's no way I would spend £350 without checking with him first (not because he's controlling, because I think it's important to agree these things). I just don't see why it's ok to go off and spend so much money without so much as a by-your-leave, gift or no gift.
But can you see that possibly, from his point of view, he can do no right?
Have you explained your feelings in detail to him as you have done here, factually and calmly, spelling it out to him, without being upset and blaming him?
I think YABU, my fiance is a bit like this too but it's only because he wants to make me happy! If he has the money then why not?! If you are struggling to pay the bills however you wouldn't be unreasonable to be annoyed.
I don't really get it. You were planning to but the hair removal thingy yourself. So are you upset he bought it instead? Surely this has saved your household cash by including it as a Christmas gift. Okay so he bought one a little more expensive than you perhaps thought you'd get yourself but still IIRC they start at 100 anyway, so if you'd spent a 100 and the budget was 150 for Christmas he's added 50 to it but given you a better quality one.
So if its the money I don't think you've got cause for such upset. Opening in front of others, well if its a huge embarrassment to you I guess that might be upsetting but as I'm not that sensitive myself I think your overreacting. But that's me and I accept you may be different.
It sounds like your dh actually cares about you and I think your BVU to react to presents like you are. I bet he thinks your ungrateful too and might decide not to bother in coming years. I'd change my tune if I were you. Sorry if that's harsh.
In relation to your latest post above which wasn't there when I wrote mine - I really don't think men think that deeply about the emotion behind something but are more pragmatic and problem solving oriented (as I am). So to him he sees that your upset and that you want a fix on something and you've already mentioned the solution (this product) so he thinks he will make you happy by buying it. I do not think this is him saying that you are particularly hary at all - just as him trying to make you happy.
I once had a boyfriend who consistently got me fitness equipment/gear which I took to be insulting - did I need to workout more?? In talking about it he said it was the sort of thing which he wanted so figured I must want it too. I told him that in fact I wanted pretty things. Might be worth letting your hubby know what you think presents should be about. But I also think your over thinking the message he is sending - he wants a happy wife is all
I understand not wanting functional things as presents - like a vacuum cleaner, or washing up gloves, or even socks - depilation is another boring maintenance task, not a fun pampering one.
Worse, you're sensitive about it and he knows this - one wouldn't give someone anti-flatulence pills as a wrapped gift to open with family, even if you'd had a private chat about digestive issues.
I think he's probably latching onto it because he doesn't know what to get you. So can you head this off in future by suggesting suitable things? Even if you feel you shouldn't have to, some people aren't good at guessing.
YANBU, I really understand what you're saying and I don't think it's very thoughtful at all, he's equated money with thoughtfulness and just gone with something you've mentioned that is expensive.
DP does this too and it drives me mad. Like my birthday earlier this year: I have always wanted a pair of doc martens but part of that was the experience of going to the shop and trying on a load of them and buying some with the interesting patterns on them. I also want a pair of sandy/camel-coloured lace-up boots (but not docs as I like the bright colours of docs, the muted ones look a bit blah to me). So DP gets me a pair of sandy-coloured docs which look fecking awful and I had to pretend that I loved them. Thankfully they were too small, and the replacement pair didn't feel right either so they got sold on ebay
for half the price that he bought them for, the muppet.
Then the bamboo dressing gown, because I once was on a site and happened to comment "Oh, that's pretty cool and looks warm!" never mind that I don't actually wear dressing gowns. I got it for that Christmas and the worst bit was that he hammed it up for months going on about how I'd love it so I had to pretend to think it the best thing ever
I'm debating a lumea at the moment, I too would be mortified opening it in front of people on Christmas morning, my family make me very self concious and it would give them plenty more ammunition!
DP and I are doings stockings and home made gifts this year after birthdays and Christmases end up with me hurt and him bewildered. Though he is really good with thinking of small thoughtful gifts, he just has it in his head from exes that he has to spend, no matter how much I tell him that he doesn't.
Blimey, OP, you really need to lighten up a bit. Most of us would adore a DH who picked up on something we would like. You really are making a huge deal out of nothing. Seriously.
He was probably trying to help you out and make you feel better about something he knows really upsets you. I really don't think it was anything other than the best of intentions from what you've said.
It's bought now, he may have got a discount on it, you wanted to try it, I think this situation is ok- just spell out to him very clearly that you don't want this presented in front of the in-laws and can he get you something in Boots to open instead.
He's not confirming you are hairy, he probably doesn't care, he wants you to feel ok about yourself (unless he's said or done anything to the contrary over the years). It's like my husband offering me gym membership as I'm a bit overweight, he means well!
By the way I have checked out the Amazon reviews and most say it is ace- you are cutting off your nose to spite your face if you get him to take this back when it could really be the solution to something that is very upsetting for you.
He sounds like he wants to buy you gifts and listens to you but gets it slightly wrong, personally I wouldn't complain his heart is in the right place
I feel sorry for your OH. I presume from what you've written that he might have thought he was getting you something you wanted. Of course we can all get it wrong, but it sounds like you've made it spectacularly clear to him.
YABU. In my family, anyone who mentions anything they quite like or fancy buying, in the months before Xmas, is presumed to be hinting!
If you're not hinting, you need a clear disclaimer after mentioning said item (along the lines of 'but nobody buy it for me for Xmas as I'm not sure I want it yet') or you're going to be finding it under the tree on their 25th.
I feel for your DH. I would be a bit annoyed by not sticking to an agreed budget, but who actually came up with the budget idea?
Jesus, you sound like an ungrateful kid! Spit your dummy why don't you?! YABVU!
He is showing affection in the way in which he wants to receive it. Go to www.5lovelanguages.com for more info. I understand why you are upset (several really good reasons) but he won't.
I think if your dh had erectile dysfunction of some kind, and he found a £400 book online called Cure Your Droopy Cock, and you presented it to him in front of your family, he'd be pretty pissed off.
Because I imagine he would feel embarrassed and humiliated and exposed and betrayed that a private issue, that he didn't want known to his in laws, would be played out publicly, so that you could go 'Ta daaaa! I have spent £400 on you, see how much I love you, aren't you lucky to have me.'
Or maybe I'm reading too much into this. Is it relevant that this gift would be opened in front of HIS family?
My point is, he should take into account your feelings. I don't think this is really about the money, it's about him not listening to you, and making decisions without you.
So YANBU because whilst he probably had the best intentions in buying the thing for you, he should now listen to your concerns, and accept them even if he doesn't understand them.
For you, in your shoes I would start saying 'I'm think of buying myself.....' when it's something you think he'll then buy you, or just never mention stuff I'm thinking of buying.
You have my sympathy. I would want to attack his bollocks with the bloody thing at 3am in revenge.
Yanbu - not least because you were trying to use your dp as a sounding board. If you're like me and like to think through things and talk through options and then think and research some more, it would be a nightmare if every time I was wondering about something like this, dh dropped everything and rushed out to buy whatever I'd discussed. Doubly so if he bought it a long time in advance of Christmas so there's no chance of taking it back.
What if you'd happened to talk to someone or been reading on here that people found them rubbish so you decided not to get one? Or you saw them on a bargain half price offer so bought one for yourself? Or you decided a different brand would be more appropriate? If you've been talking to somebody at a wondering stage then it's not dropping a hint. Otherwise how are you ever going to be able to have a wondering stage conversation about it? The op has already said she has given her dh plenty of hints and ideas that he has decided he doesn't want to take up. That doesn't mean he can pick something the op is still not sure she wants and just get it and expect her to be pleased!
And I'm another one that wouldnt want to be given something like this in public, especially at PIL house, for them to pick over.
Oh and if it has been on such a good offer, I'd get your dh to take it back and then you or he can rebuy it at significant price reduction and theresmoney to buy you something else that you would like to open at PIL's house at Xmas.
My dh bought me a mug for my birthday!
He actually had the nerve to tell me it was expensive as it was from the British Museum !
Why are you 'offended'. That word is so overused these days. You're not offended, you're unhappy with it.
I think if your dh had erectile dysfunction of some kind, and he found a £400 book online called Cure Your Droopy Cock, and you presented it to him in front of your family, he'd be pretty pissed off
Comparing hair removal to a medical condition.... Riiiiight
The comparison is in something that the dh might prefer to keep private, not the two specified conditions themselves. I am not saying the two are equal. I am amazed that wasn't clear.
It's about how one might feel about a situation
I might have said 'what if your dp had a Thing that he wasn't happy about. A Thing that he wouldn't want his in laws to know about, a private, personal Thing that he was only comfortable discussing with you. Then you decide to present him with a gift on Christmas day that shows everyone that he has this Thing. He would be pretty pissed off that now your family would know about his Thing.'
Only that sounds terribly woolly, imo.
Pick ED, pick male pattern baldness, pick gout, pick nail biting, pick being too fat/thin/tall/short - the thing doesn't matter, does it? My point is, if you have a personal issue & you have confided in your partner, you don't expect it to be made public.
I was offended. I was hurt and upset that he would have chosen to make this fairly public. If someone gives their partner an expensive gift in front of the whole family there will be a conversation about it. He knows I'm sensitive about my body hair- I was very upset that he did not consider (or ask me) whether or not receiving what is essentially a cure for an unpleasant side effect of a hormonal condition (so yes, fairly comparable to erectile dysfunction actually) in front of his family on christmas morning would embarrass or upset me. In fact receiving it as a gift at all is a bit off if it hasn't been asked for. Shouldn't matter that I was going to buy one myself, it really fucking hurt my feelings.
Then yanno take one of the suggestions and don't open it in front of any family.
You sound like mega hard work... you're hairy..you have something to help now.. your husband was trying to do something he thought would make you happy and for some unknown reason you're refusing to recognise that. Maybe he's hurt that you've thrown it back in his face.
Let it go.. forgive him and sort out shizzle you will be happy to open in front of people.
Agree with gamerchick
God forbid, he's bought you something expensive you expressed interest in. LTB
And I think you're projecting your body hang ups onto him. Just because you feel that way about yourself doesn't mean he does. You expressed an interest in it, so he bought it for you. Surely if he thought you were horrible and hairy he would have bought out of his own accord a long time ago! You're reading into it incorrectly IMO.
Good grief. Go and get some counselling will you and give your poor dh a break. He can't bloody win, and you won't see it. Lots of people on this thread have said you are being unreasonable, you are being unfair, and you just moan and groan about how bloody awful your life is and your dh is. Okay, you have a problem, but you could have said Thank you, you're really helping me out with something I perceive to be a major problem, can we open our big presents at home and put something small under the tree at in laws. But no, big song and dance about how awful you feel and about how he is confirming your poor body image. How is he feeling in all this? Is he really confirming it? I doubt it.
If you really feel this bad, so bad that the person you presumably love the most in the world, is ready, willing and able to have a go at you, I really would recommend some sort of counselling.
Let him buy you a crap present you don't want/need/or will use ....
And we will await the thread about that!!
At least he listens and makes an effort !!
I ask DH to not buy an item for Christmas. He gets it anyway. I wish he would punch me instead. I would feel that me and my feelings had more value.
TBH I think you need counselling about your hang ups and not take it out on a partner who sounds very caring, the poor bloke can't win either way, and you sound hard work, he should be the one who is offended at your attitude
I ask DH to not buy an item for Christmas. He gets it anyway. I wish he would punch me instead. I would feel that me and my feelings had more value
Sorry but what the fuck? That's possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever read on here.
The Boots catalogue suggests hair removal gadgetry as Christmas presents every year. Ladyshaves etc are a fairly standard gift. Are your in-laws hairless, like Duncan Goodhew? Will they laugh at the thought of an adult woman shaving her legs?
Comparisons to droopy cock treatments will be relevant the day viagra gets a green parcel sticker and is offered on three for two.
And be sure not to buy your DH any aftershave. This might highlight the fact that he has facial hair, causing him humiliation in front of his nearest and dearest.
This is why I think adults shouldn’t give and receive significant presents to each other. Token gifts such as booze and chocs, fine. But this whole charade of either present lists, or asking people what they would like, is madness IMHO. Adults should buy themselves what they need or want, as they go along. Unfortunately, 90% of things that other people buy for me, I simply do not want, and it is just such a waste of time, effort and money all round. In these cases, they are just buying me something to feel guilty about because I don’t like their
For something to be a gift, I want the giver to have gone out and chosen it for me without any effort or thought on my part. If I have to do any of this, its not a gift. The few best gifts from DP that I have liked have had a total value of under £10 and I know one of them was free. He had an opportunity to pick up a small item from things that were being thrown away (in new condition) and chose something for me that did like and that was the bit that made it a gift. The others were a home made card and a small box of posh biscuits that he bought, of a type that I liked.
An item such as a hair removal system or phone or other significant purchase, I would want to research and choose myself. I wouldn’t want someone else buying me a different version before I had decided what I want, or even whether I really wanted that item.
Things like clothes, underwear, handbags, shoes etc, I need to try them on, so do not want them as gifts. Vouchers for a shop I like might be OK, but I’d rather just buy what I need when I need it.
Choosing something and then saying ‘buy me this for Christmas’ is pointless – I just want to buy when I have decided I want it, mostly because then the item will usually go out of stock.
I can see how you find this upsetting, but I think you're projecting your feelings onto your DH and imaging he is thinking/feeling something that he is not.
By all means explain to him why you feel uncomfortable with a) him buying you this as a present and b) you opening it in front of your family.
But saying to him "You listened to what I was saying, you took note of something I quite wanted to by, and decided to buy it for me as a present is wrong" - that's the unreasonable part. It's like he can't win for trying at the moment.
Imagine having a husband who listens to what you say and tries to be thoughtful - (and does something most people would consider thoughtful). The horror!
We don't 'do' presents in our family. We do a secret Santa at Christmas so each person only gets one token present of £15 or so. Birthdays are the same, no more than £20 on a present. Kids get individual presents from everyone at Christmas up to about 16 or so then go into the secret Santa. It's great, no worrying about affordability or what to buy. Fab. Result is, I in no way equate presents with love or how much someone thinks of me.
DH's family are the exact opposite. They spend a fortune and take offence at an inferior present. It's taken me years to knock this attitude out of DH but he is getting better. He was threatening to but me a tablet this year but I managed to convince him to go for a £20 Argos watch instead. I would be livid if we'd agreed a £150 limit and DH had ignored it. But then I just don't get presents.
I can feel you are very upset, but it seems out of proportion, accept the present, explain that you will be very cross if it's discussed in front of his family and buy yourself something nice from him. Use the ed analogy to him to make him see! It could be he was trying to help you with something you struggle with. If he's generally insensitive and he ignores your feelings often, you should post on relationships as you have general issues.
Inspired by this thread, I have been dropping hints all week about a pair of diamond earrings. In white gold.
Somewhat disappointingly, DH has told me that he is buying me 'the usual'. Which is a box full of paperbacks from a charity shop. This is actually a delight, because I would have read about a third (but don't mind a re-read) I would never normally read a third (and they predictably turn out to be dross) but the remaining third are a joy.
Should I LTB for not picking up hints that rocks for the ears were the order of the day?
"I wrapped some stuff I'd bought myself anyway so he could save face in front of my family."
why would you do that?
If anyone, especially my husband, bought me anything to do with body hair removal and expected me to open it front of my in laws (in laws FGS!) I would be extremely upset. I think you will probably only understand this if you are someone who grows dark hair in what might be considered unaccepatable places eg face, stomach etc. So YANBU on those grounds alone.
The whole psychology of the present giving in your relationship is quite odd though (on his side not yours), but some people are really odd about presents e.g. my father rarely bought us presents; my mother always did it, but one year out of the blue and without telling my mum he bought my brother and I a book each for Christmas and bought nothing for my sister. She was understandably upset, but he really couldn't understand what was wrong. He had bought the books for my brother and me because they were books he thought we'd like, but he hadn't seen anything that Dsis would like so didn't get her anything . My dad is a lovely man in most other ways but this is one of his blind spots.
Maybe your DH is someone who just doesn't 'get' how present buying works. If you can I would take back the Lumea and get yourself something that you would like that he can 'give' you on Xmas day. If your relationship is good in other ways, you might have to let the present thing go and just don't tell him when you are thinking of buying things. And loudly and clearly point him in the direction of the Amaxon wish list - I though men would love that!
Disclaimer: I've read all of the op's threads, but only half of the others, so sorry if I'm just repeating.
I understand why you wouldn't want to open it in front of the inlaws. YANBU there. But otherwise, YABU.
I think the problem is this
an acknowledgement of the fact that my biggest body hangup is actually real and disgusting
This statement is loaded with your insecurities. You may have been planning to buy this because you feel like you are disgusting. This did not have to be his opinion at all. He listened out for something you really wanted and that you thought would make you happy, and bought it to surprise you with. Just like thousands of other nice caring people do at Christmas.
Sorry op, I really think that you need to spend your time thinking about how you are going to feel better about yourself, not about how rubbish your oh is.
£350 fo a hair removal device
One word: Bic.
Ingrown hairs and shaving rash.
I would not be happy either.
The fact is he is not listening to you properly.
My dh and I are both useless at presents so we don't bother. We buy what we want when we want and everyone is happy.
I do have a Philips lumea by the way and it is brilliant!
I just don't understand this dancing around stupid game about making it a surprise. He wouldn't even have heard of them if I hadn't said I was considering buying one. That should really have been the clue. A sensible person would probably think "oh she'll get one of those herself, like she said", or as I said before offer to buy it me for christmas, then at least I could have said, well I'd rather you got me "x" or "y". If I'd just bought it and not said anything he'd have to send it back anyway. It's not like I didn't try and have a conversation about christmas presents. I specifically asked him "what sort of thing would you like to get me for christmas", so that I could tactfully suggest a bunch of things I like in a suitable price range (i.e. more like £20-50) so he could pick the one he liked. His answer was "I don't know", so he's not really helped himself out there.
My main problems with this whole thing are
1) I don't want to receive a gift on a day when I'm supposed to be happy which will remind me of a body hangup and advertise it to the rest of the family (regardless of whether or not it's a common christmas present, or whether or not my hangup is justified. It's my issue, so if I want to deal with it I will do so)
2) Even if it was given to me away from everyone else we're still going to have that conversation of "what did he get you for christmas?" with his mum or my mum or whoever.
3) IT'S £350!!!!! It's way too much to spend on a christmas present when we had agreed a budget that was his idea! We're not going short but we could definitely use the money for other things. Plus I can't reciprocate to that extent so it just makes me feel like shit.
4) I don't like surprises, especially expensive ones. He knows I don't like surprises. You would think after 4 years of marriage he'd take the hint and oh I don't know, maybe not try and surprise me? Maybe I should just say I'm thinking of not being surprised, or that I'm thinking of not surprising myself, then he could surprise me by not surprising me...
Bloody hell OP leave the bastard if it's causing you this much internal pain. Talk about drama llama.
Please tell us OP that you've just vented all this on here and you haven't give your dude what for?
He tried to do a nice thing for you... The woman he loves. Why can't you just let it go after recognising that?
Why can't you just let it go after recognising that?
Because it keeps happening. I should just say get me a fucking pandora bracelet and let that be an end to it. I'm sick of being hauled over the coals for not being a "normal woman". I should just let him bankrupt himself so I can fit his stupid worldview that All The Women like ruinously expensive things regardless of any other more important factors. Yes. Brilliant.
I suppose the people saying LTB are right. You've convinced me. Divorce is imminent.
I think you have got to be really direct in telling him when you are asking about something as a present vs just discussing. Don't think it's obvious because it won't be to him. My dp is oblivious to hints no matter how obvious but has misunderstood casual conversations about stuff I need any number of times.
He probably has no idea how you feel about the hair- he just knows its something you find a problem. My ex once thoughtfully bought me one f those electric things for toning muscles- as he knew I hated being overweight but was too lazy to exercise.
I'm a bit
I can see the OP's POV about body hair, and while it's her insecurity it's not unreasonable for her to expect her DH to 'get' that if they've already spoken about it like she says.
However, the more that comes out, the more sorry I feel for the DH. He really can't do right for doing wrong, can he! It's all well and good saying "I have an amazon wish list" but when he does buy something you want, it's not what you want as a present from him for that occasion at this moment in time.
Take the laptop. You see him setting it up as a way of ensuring you had to keep a laptop you didn't want. I think most people would see it as a thoughtful gesture aimed at letting you just crack straight on with using it - unless you're into computers and wanted to personalise it yourself (in which case he deserves everything he gets for messing with it ).
How much of this is misunderstanding and misreading of each other. Have you tried anything to improve your communication skills as a couple and ways to reconnect (misunderstandings are always less common when you're loved up).
How has he done that OP? Has he actually said any of that or are you projecting?
Maybe price didn't matter in his efforts to try and make you happy.. which looks to be impossible.
OP, you are very hard to please. Seeing as you don't want a surprise, and you don't want him to try and work out what you would like, you'd be best off just getting him to give you money to do with what you wish. Although that probably wouldn't be right either.
It doesnt have to be so traumatic. Chill out, remember this is the man you love, and get some perspective. Otherwise, I doubt you'll make it to 5yrs married.
FGS and with the OP's last post... I'm out. She's obviously such a victim of this man buying her gifts. What a hard life.
Crap gift buying is a hallmark of an abusive or narcissistic type. It doesn't have to be crap in the sense of cheap - offensive or just inappropriate is all it takes to be crap, and you can spend an awful lot of money on doing just that. In fact, for some people the more expensive the better, because anyone who says they don't like it come across as an ungrateful PITA.
Yet that's not how I'm reading this situation at all. I read it more as a marriage in which words are spoken but no one is listening.
There is clearly a major mismatch on attitudes toward spending, just for a start. If that - plus the angst over gift buying - is anything to go by, the marriage really isn't in healthy territory.
If you know he only buys you things which you want to get for yourself (presumably because he assumes if you are going to get it yourself you must really want it) then why not tell him that you are going to get [insert whatever you want him to buy you] for yourself? You know how his mind works so play it to get what you want.
He's trying and seems really sweet, he probably thought you'd be delighted and was really excited about getting you something you needed.
yabu, he means well and wasn't to know that you'd find it an embarrassing present to open in front of others. Misguided over enthusiasm is not a crime.
i still think you are just a bit of a control freak tbh
i am like this. i get v uptight n stressed around gifts. we only do them for the kids now and just randomly name other purchases as presents eg i have just bought an expensive sweater, so it has been named 'dh s xmas pressie to me'
I keep imagining when I come back to this thread how my husband would feel if I flipped my toodle with him for trying to get me something he thought I wanted.
I simply can't Imagine hurting his feelings like that.
There are clearly as has been said some mega communication issues at play here.
Oh, that is really stupid of him. Yeah, right, because every woman would be delighted to receive, in front of a whole extended family, an embarrassing present that reveals insecurities about her body... FFS.
Why don't you get him WeightWatchers membership to open in front of everyone?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
the opening it in front of family part has been solved 7 weeks before the day, though by the idea of buying another token present, although why presents have to opened in front of in laws is beyond me. fluffy handcuffs must be equally embarrassing
YABU and ungrateful! You don't need to open it in front of anyone.
Be offended at being given a hair removal product out of the blue maybe but you wanted it ffs!
Think very thoughtful and you are being rude and unreasonable - although maybe ask him to buy a small present to open in front of family. Although I wouldn't be embarrassed to open it.
I have a homedics me and I love it although hair removal is taking longer than I had hoped (now 18 months in) - and told all female family members how wonderful it is! So not embarrassing at all!
BTW don't buy basic one, have to buy top of the range!
No - this present is a symptom of a problem. Her DH needs to be seen as mr wonderful so does extravagant things that will impress those around him. The fact the op does not want these extravagant gifts is central. I realised I would rather have a partner who actually did housework and genuinely shared child care the one who bought me expensive jewellery that I rarely wore.
OP - just a thought - does this fit him at all?
My XDP was a bit like this. I'm with you OP, I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. A considerate gift is one that shows the giver has really listened to what you want.
The question is - is he just being a bit scatty and impulsive (irritating but forgivable) or is he not paying attention to you, showing off or being a bit passive aggressive?
There's one of two problems here, as I see it, and both are pretty serious problems within a marriage.
1 - he honestly is the kind of man who will deliberately buy his wife something that he feels will demean and belittle her, and to make matters worse he thinks it will be funny to make her open it in front of other people (though if this is the case, I'm confused as to why he has already told you he has bought it)
2 - you feel that he is the kind of man who wants to deliberately demean and belittle his wife, which suggests you don't trust him and have massive issues with him
I have to say, reading your later posts I'm erring towards the second idea. You seem to have a lot of issues and negative thoughts about him and are happy to snowball this into something it possible isn't, rather than just venting him about him being a bit of a careless idiot.
Im a beauty Therapist, but I've never heard of a philips lumea . Everybody at xmas will just be told its a hair remover! Why would they even know its for anything more (unless you tell them!).
I think he did a lovely, lovely thing and for all you know he got it off ebay (from one of the posters who said it didn't work!!!!!!!) He seems extremely caring and id say that you were very lucky. How many threads do we see about husbands lack of gifts etc! x
There is one on ebay now for £149.99, only used 4 times. The reviews on Boots are amazing, lots of people are buying them for legs and bikini line!!!
Might buy one myself for my legs xx
I wouldn't for a minute worry about opening it in front of people, its just a posh hair remover xxx
I am amazed at the number of people who think a hair removal product is a suitable Christmas present for a woman who is self conscious about her body hair. Just because someone says they were thinking of buying something does not mean that they want it as a present. I am thinking of buying a new frying pan but I don't want it in my stocking thank you. Presents are meant to be nice , special, a treat, something that you probably wouldn't get for yourself, not something meant to address a problem. I think many of you are being deliberately disingenuous about this, or else you are just as insensitive as the OP's husband.
YABVU! I would give anything for my DH to buy me anything out of the blue - if it isn't birthday, Christmas etc there's no chance!
But Mystery, I completely understand what you are saying, but 99% of people would just see this as a normal hair remover (which the majority of women use).
The OPs husband is a man, by their very being, they are generally pretty obtuse about these things, he probably doesn't notice her body hair! just heard her say that she would like a phillips lumea and thought thats a great idea! Do you really think he bought it to embarrass her?
All I am saying is that the OP s husband doesn't think about this as deeply as OP !
Wouldn't it be simpler if each of you just buys yourself what you want?! I really can't see the point of getting presents for adults. As you pointed out OP, you were going to buy one for yourself anyway.
This is why presents for adults gets quite silly. Just buy a few books or a bottle of perfume, that's it. I can't help but feel sad that grown adults can get so worked up about the money and thought that goes into presents - as in, expecting a certain amount of money and very detailed thought every single birthday and Christmas.
It's the thought that someone wanted to buy you a present that counts, not what the present actually is.
I honestly don't know why he bought it for her 7 weeks before Xmas and then told her about it. She was upset and he got angry because she wasn't grateful enough. It all sounds a bit controlling and unpleasant and insensitive. If he is married to the OP he should know that she is sensitive about her body hair and not draw attention to it. It is really crap having a lot of dark body hair and not something you want drawn attention to on Xmas day FFS. Is that so difficult to understand?
My DF was always like this. I'd mention in, say, April that I thought something was merely cute or something and he must have taken notes because at Christmas I'd have one wrapped up. I remember one year saying I liked this pink guitar I saw in a film, never once did I say I wanted one or planned on ever playing guitar... Sure enough he bought me one. I just ended up with a load of shite I didn't actually want. I went through a big phase of leopard print so he'd buy be a load of useless tat because it was leopard print .
So yanbu, I sympathise with you. You would have thought he'd have realised the first two times you complained/cancelled the orders that he should ask you first if it's something you really want. Plus he spent double what you agreed.
I agree with you OP, there are appropriate presents, and there are inappropriate presents.
There is a budget, and there is unjustified extravagance.
He seems to have bought both an inappropriate present and spent too much money on it.
A laptop - something so utterly personal, that you will use all the time, where does he get off choosing it for you? You will be the one that uses it, so you get to choose what features it has, whether it's the right size, is it too heavy or not, etc, etc.
Hair removal contraption - what a yuck present. 'Here you go you hairy thing, what a lovely treat for you to rip your hair out of your legs, etc). It's up there with getting a bloody boob job as a gift for Christmas!!! Personal care items aren't usually worthy of being purchased as gifts IMO.
And the ruinously expensive things? Unforgivably frivolous especially when there are treats that would be appreciate far more and which cost less.
My DH has been told that if he bought me over the top expensive presents, I wasn't going to pretend to be impressed, and actually I would probably bin them. If he bought me 'house' presents disguised as presents, I'd probably take an axe to them. If we needed a house present then we as a couple could decided to use some of our Christmas budget to buy a house present - he didn't get to make that call for my present. If he bought me gifts which had a ring of 'you're just a woman and I should be making the decision as to what quality/calibre/style of item you need' then he could just fuck right off.
I think YABU. To buy you an expensive product to rid yourself of something that embarrasses you? What a bastard!
It's not a personality disorder, he's not controlling. He's listened to you and bought a thoughtful gift.
Ok it's not sexy, opening it in front of the in laws could be a nightmare but he tried.
Sounds like a keeper to me!
I personally have the rio system as I'm increasingly convinced I'm part goat
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