to say no, dp can't take our breastfed ds away for 5 days?(48 Posts)
Ds is 10 months old. He is breastfed but also eats other food, some days he mostly eats food with just a few breastfeeds but other days ( when he is teething or under the weather) he eats hardly any food and will only breastfeed.
We have tried cups/bottles of expressed milk but he refuses, we have tried regularly for the past 7 months.
I'm terrified of flying, I usually take valium to help me deal with the flight but as I'm bf that isn't an option.
I am from the UK so flying is not something I can avoid but the 3-4 days before a flight are awful I have a constant low level feeling of panic and anxiety dreams about plane crashes.
Dp's parents live 1000 km away, they come to the city we live in regularly but they have lots of people to see so they often don't visit us at all it is a case of us going to the place they are staying, it is always US instigating contact. I have suggested they might like to come and spend the day with us, come to playgroup with us, eat meals, give ds a bath but they always decline.
Mil really wants us to come and stay for the weekend. I have suggested we go in January when dp has paternity leave and we can go for tge entire week. I have said I'd prefer to drive ( partly because of my fear of flying bit also so we have tge freedom of having our own care --to escapefor a couple of hours a day--)
Pil were here last week and will be here mid December but mil has asked dp to fly up to stay with them taking ds but leaving me at home.
Aibu to think that he shouldn't take ds? What is he is teething and wont eat? He is fed to sleep and we co-sleep, I know I'd be miserable ans miss ds but aibu to think he'dmiss me
I'd be amazed if your dp agreed, tbh. It sounds as if it would be hell on earth for him, trying to care for a baby missing its mum!
I would say no, personally. I wouldn't have wanted to be apart from my dcs when they were so young and for so long.
YANBU. It was very unkind of your MIL to suggest your dh and ds leave you behind. What does your dh think? Hopefully he'll stick by you?
Gird your loins, dig your heels in, put on your best "do not mess with me" face and say "NO".
They can't be bothered to visit you when they are local therefore they get no say in when you visit them!
No matter what to suggest taking a breastfed baby away from its mother for 5 days is madness!
How unkind to not invite you too!
yanbu, leaving a young child is not necessary or fair, you need dh on side, so try to stay level and continue to offer the driving up option, as this sounds like a very reasonable compromise.
Ok firstly have you spoke to gp about valium as I took xanac or something while I was bfeeding for hospital procedure,
Secondly driving 1000 kms with a then year old sounds like a nightmare, the longest we ever did was 4 hours and he hated the car for about a month after and would scream incase it was a long journey,
Thirdly, your dp can take your dc away for a few days to visit family, yes he will miss boobs, but he should be fine at that age,
YANBU and I agree it would be hell for your DH so surely he wont want to go without you. I can see why your MIL would invite hime without you - she is probably thinking if you wont fly, the other 2 can and she can still get a visit without you being anxious about the travel - but its going to be just as bad for you being anxious about your son not eating or sleeping without you (or indeed, your boobs!)
No, he is breastfed and neither your DH nor Mil can feed him so you need to be with him. Even if you weren't bfing you'd be perfectly within your rights to say no, you don't want a week away from him.
January isn't that much longer to wait.
NO don't let him take ds away for 5 days. My younger dd's would of driven everyone mental if they were away from me at that age for that long.
The likelihood is that he will cry for you and not eat well and not settle so dp will let gm have a go at settling him, someone he doesn't know. This would be a nightmare and you will struggle with him when they return.
If he is feeding to sleep and getting night feeds he will not be ok
At 10 months I think 5 days is unreasonable. They are pretty dependent on BF still. Not enough to be an issue for most things but not a separation of almost a week.
I get how some people might think this selfish or unfair but I think it's just a fact of life if you BF that when they are little you can't be away from them for as long as you might be able to be if they weren't.
Better if you all go IMO.
We have driven much further with ds ( Stockholme to the UK) recently. Ds is an amazing traveler, he just sleeps, it doesn't seem to affect his night sleep either
me and dp joke that if we are having a really hard day we should just drive around we would also drive in the night as dp works ( as a lorry driver) in the night, so a 10 hour drive is just a night's work for him.
That is really interesting about xanac, I'll look into it, so far I have coped with a couple of glasses of wine, I have looked at the research and such a small % goes into my milk I don't worry about it.
I think ds would be fine in as much as he wouldn't starve ( he has some good reserves on his chubby legs) I just don't think it would be pleasant for either me or ds and possibly dp, I understand pil wanting to spend quality time with ds, I think it's really good for babies to live in tge same house as close family for a few days but I think my ds's breastfeeding routine is more important, I want to bf him until 1 because he refuses bottles.
I did take ds to the UK for a week when he was 8 months old without dp, it was a close family member's funeral. I felt terrible, but I didn't have much choice.
My ds is 5 (and not breastfed) and wouldn't cope away from me for 5 days. Yanbu to say no.
YANBU and your parents in law need to reconsider their priorities.
If they are able to visit other people in your city, they can extend their visits to spend time with you. A 1000km journey with a 10 month old is not to be undertaken lightly for anyone. Taking a 10 month old breast fed baby away from his/her mum for 5 days is totally out of the question as any reasonable person would understand, suspect your mil did not BF or has conveniently forgotten what it is like.
I'd check out the valium, as a one off dose (well, I guess twice) from the bfn and see what they say. It might not be a problem.
But equally, I wouldn't leave him at that age when it isn't necessary - but then I'm also telling DH he can't take DS2 (2 1/2) to his homeland, and leave him with his grandparents for a month - mainly because I'll miss him, so maybe I'm not the best to listen to (and yes, I know I'm being PSB)
All I can think of immediately is how sore your boobs are going to be!!! It's absolutely too long for a bf baby to be away from his mum.
I find it most odd that they don't prioritise seeing you more when they are in your city - less hassle all round. In my family the people the most able to travel, travel, not the least. YANBU.
YANBU on many levels, the practicalities of your DS being breast fed aside it won't be quality time with their grandchild if he's fretting away from the one person who can comfort him the most will it? I bet they haven't thought along those lines though, it might be worth mentioning it.
On the flying front a friend of mine had therapy (CBT I think, could be wrong though) which helped her massively. She lives overseas now and flies back here regularly with minimum stress when a few years ago she would have a full on panic attack before any flights.
Yanbu say NO.
Mil didn't bf, I think they forget how young ds is, he can walk and say a few words so I think they see him as a toddler rather than a baby.
I will look into if I can take vallium, I hate the way it makes me feel nothing so actually if I can cope with a couple of glasses of wine that is better, I flew when I was pregnant with no wine and no vallium so I know I can do it, I just wouldn't choose to spend the beginning and end of a holiday terrified.
Thankyou for the reassurance that ianbu!
Doesn't sound like a great idea.
Tell them to sod off. A baby's needs come first at all times, and the needs and wishes of the mother come second. Everybody else can work round that or get stuffed.
OP I have a 9mo who is no longer BF. He happily takes 3 bottles of formula and eats 3 good solid meals per day and eats with gusto regardless of whether it's me or DH or Granny or whoever feeding him. He self settles for all daytime naps and the nighttime sleep in his cot. It doesn't need to be me who puts him down. He really is about as flexible as a 9mo can be.
And I still would not allow DH to take him away for 5 days!
The BF thing is a good point to argue but it's not really the critical issue tbh. The point is your DS is far too young to be away from you that long. It would stress you both out and it's not fair.
He will be distressed.
You will be distressed and have very painful boobs.
I had a bottle refuser. In an attempt to try to convince him to take a bottle for starting nursery at about 9m, we went a day cold turkey and it was total misery for the pair of us. When I cracked through engorgement and being upset, it was a brilliant relief to feed him.
Tell them it's a horrible idea! My LO is also 10 mo he is mostly ff now with only a teeny bit of bm but I would miss him like mad if we were apart and would struggle to sleep. Defo check out the bf and drugs fact sheets linked to above, I am no expert but suspect one Valium would be fine. You could always pump and dump if you were really worried?
I just wanted to repeat what's already been said. No way would I be happy with that (even with my 2.5 year old)
tell them they can fly to you or nothing.
Thiscould - I wouldn't want my 4 yo or 9 yo away from me for a whole week either!
YANBU - my 1 year old has never been breastfed, I spent 6 days away from him when I was ill after his birth. Never again
until he's 16 and can legally leave me!
Breastfeeding aside, a baby needs it's mother, especially when around unfamiliar people. Five days is a long time, he'll need his mother to look to for security even if dad is there. If it doesn't feel right then please don't agree to it. Your MIL sounds unkind and unsympathetic, I wouldn't want someone like that around my baby when he's missing his mum.
No, as MN has taught me, really can be a complete sentence.
Also, although for a 5 day break from breast feeding at 10 months your supply will probably be okay (if a bit uncomfortable), you might find DS weans. Which doesn't sound like something you'd be happy with.
Driving for 1000km doesn't sound like fun, and it's not as thigh you aren't invited - personally at that age I wouldn't mind - you'll be fine as you can pump each day and your Ds will drink milk from a bottle if he gets hungry enough. He is 10 months not 10 weeks, it's only for a few days, think quite reasonable.
Well...I'm going to say I'd love it if I got 5 days to myself!! My DD2 wasn't such a fan of a bottle but we got there. Usually i co-sleep the second half of the night with her. But a few days alone - bliss!!
Bf or not I wouldn't let ds go away for 5 days until he is at least at school maybe older, I am not overly protective he goes to gp overnight and out with DP for the day lots I don't mind being away from him but 5 days in another country is way to much for any child to be away from their mother.
YANBU. The breastfeeding thing is irrelevant. A 10 month old should not be away from its mother for five days except in the event of an emergency. We're not talking just an overnighter here.
Thanks for all the advice, it is good to know I'm not the only mum who would feel this way.
Dp isn't going to take ds away, I pointed out to him that ds might be upset but he said he'd just give him water and normal food.
We will drive there in January but I feel like not going at all.
I'm concerned that your husband has even entertained his mother's suggestion. Why didn't he say "well of course not, Miss is still breastfeeding."
I did this when breastfed dd was quite a bit younger and it worked absolutely fine with expressed breastmilk.
But then it was because I wanted to, it was something I felt comfortable, dd was so close to her dad that she found him just as reassuring as me and it was something that would be of benefit to our family.
I would have felt totally different about just jumping through hoops set up by MIL.
YANBU but I'd predict he would realise he WAS being U in about half an hour
On another note regarding your dislike of flying. i use a Back flower remedy from the chemist. It's called rescue remedy and you spray it on your tongue. My midwife recommended it as i was afraid of giving birth. If it's safe during pregnancy then surely its safe during breast feeding?
Perhaps its just a placebo, but it works for me and might be worth a try
I'm glad your DH has seen sense (even if it was rather vague about how he would comfort your DS without you there). I dread to think what the engorgement would be like. If you are a person who has much joy expressing you would end up in a lot of pain, and could develop blocked ducts and even mastitis. And even at 10 months, supply can dwindle in such a short time. A couple of days you could probably get away with, but 5 days might be the end of nursing completely.
Even putting that aside, 5 days is a bloody long time. I feel bad enough if my 4 and 6 year olds are away from me for 1 night, let alone 5. I miss them terribly, and DS1 usually wakes up wanting his dad.
I also think your ILs are being fucking rude by not visiting you when they are local to you, and getting you to visit them instead, knowing that it would entail a long journey with a small baby, and possibly leaving you behind too because of your fear of flying. Would it really have been that much trouble for them to visit you while they were nearby? What's your DH's opinion on that?
From what you have written, it sounds like your baby is a pretty flexible chap, so he might surprise you. Even my limpet like baby was ok at being away from me for a few nights. Maybe you should look into doing something about your fear of flying? It sounds like it affects your life massively, do you really want to restrict your own and your child's life so much as he gets older? He will miss out on so much.
There is no way my DH would want to take DD away from me, he sees being fed, and all that BF entails.
I do not blame them for asking, they simply do not grasp the situation.
You do, for some bizzare reason your DH does not, however, you need to make it clear at this moment in time, its too soon and totally un suitable.
I would not be away from a 10 month old for 5 days even if they were not bf. he is breastfeed however which frankly draws a line under it! No is the only answer / your son would be very unhappy to be suddenly weaned from the breast and his mum - I imagine it would be quite traumatic for him.
Id say thank you for your kind offer MIL but DS is too young to be away from me particularly as he breast feeds and cosleeps with me.
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