AIBU to want to be a single mother?

(46 Posts)
SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 12:32:25

I don't like my H and haven't for a while. He is selfish, childish, and a liar. He doesn't care about me and our relationship is not equal. I found horrible porn videos on his phone yesterday, I object to porn on the whole but they were just awful. Don't know where they came from, he has form for camming with other women.

Thing is, he's manipulative and has everyone believe he is the victim, he hates his job and his wife is a nag, he's depressed etc. Whenever I find he's done something he just denies, denies, denies and makes out like I'm crazy. MIL begs me not to leave because he's 'vulnerable' hmm

I can't imagine being with another man, I don't want any of this shite again, it's not worth it. I would be happy to be alone, just me and my baby, forever. I wonder if anyone else has made this choice and is happy with it?

iwantanafternoonnap Thu 07-Nov-13 12:34:18

I didn't make the choice but I am very happy as one as I would rather be single than miserable and with a twat.

Leave and be happy grin

allmycats Thu 07-Nov-13 12:34:32

If you are in a position where you can provide for the child then I do not see a problem. Do you see any contact with the father as part of the plan,because if he is paying his share then he should have access.

KellyElly Thu 07-Nov-13 12:36:20

Me! I split up with my narcissistic ex over two years ago and am really happy being a single parent. I'm not interested at all in another relationship and happy to focus on my daughter and myself. I'm not anti ever having a relationship but it isn't something I would consider at the moment and I don't miss it at all!

KingRollo Thu 07-Nov-13 12:36:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KerwhizzedMyself Thu 07-Nov-13 12:38:05

Paying his share has nothing to do with access. Children aren't pay per view. Just putting that out there.

OP, YANBU. You might find in time you would like another partner, you might not. Either way YANBU.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Thu 07-Nov-13 12:38:13

Leave him. He will probably have to be in your life for a long time WRT to him seeing the baby, but it sounds like it's more stress and hassle than is worth it. He appears to bring nothing positive to the table, show him the door.

KellyElly Thu 07-Nov-13 12:39:05

If you are in a position where you can provide for the child then I do not see a problem. Why is that relevant? You wouldn't stay in an emotionally abusive relationship just because you couldn't afford to leave it. I'm more than happy to see my taxes go towards child tax credit and housing benefit to a single mum who needs it.

TheRobberBride Thu 07-Nov-13 12:44:59

He sounds toxic OP. Why are you still with him?

I left my ex 6 months ago. I am now a lone parent (their primary residence is with me). I am so much happier without him. Being on my own is a hundred times easier than being in a miserable, EA marriage.

cestlavielife Thu 07-Nov-13 12:48:55

let his mother look after him then.
he is an adult.

it is not about choosing to be asingle mother it is about choosing to be respected and valued - and if that means by youyourself alone then yes leave. frankly i dont see you have a choice about it if you dont want to be dragged down by your h. (unles she bucks upa nd get shelp for his isshoos)

but you will still need to arrange contact between dad and his child.

SomethingOld Thu 07-Nov-13 12:50:07

Why am I still with him? Because he made me feel as though it was all in my head. I have a daughter now and don't want her main male role model to be this misgynistic piece of shite. After what I saw on his phone yesterday, no he won't be playing a role in her life.

openseason Thu 07-Nov-13 12:51:16

I agree with kellyElly there,s lots of assitance out there to help single mothers if you really want to leave i would find out all the support out there you can get then i would leave it,s a long time in a relationship to be misarable.

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 12:51:43

Damn it, namechange fail. That was me there, I'll try again.

Why am I still with him? Because he made me feel as though it was all in my head. I have a daughter now and don't want her main male role model to be this misgynistic piece of shite. After what I saw on his phone yesterday, no he won't be playing a role in her life.

openseason Thu 07-Nov-13 12:54:05

i don,t know what you saw on the phone and how he treats your daughter but if he is a good father it,s not fair to cut him out of his daughters life.

warmleatherette Thu 07-Nov-13 12:54:06

I did exactly that two years ago: kicked out lying, cheating, abusive DH when the children were 2 and 3. Becoming a single parent is a revelation. I think they keep it a secret how awesome it is because if everybody knew everybody would be doing it and there'd be no little wifeys for dickhead men to abuse.

Did the porn that you saw yesterday demonstrate that your child may be at risk? You need a different plan to leave if this is the case.

Mim78 Thu 07-Nov-13 12:55:58

I don't think you are saying you "want" to be a single Mum, just that you don't want to be with him any more. That sounds completely reasonable. From everything you have said you should definitely leave him. Never mind MIL.

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 12:58:39

No, I don't want to be graphic but it was rape scenario stuff, not involving children but still, should a man who gets turned on by physical and sexual abuse of women be partially responsible for raising a daughter?

It's good to hear positive stories. I can only see life being much better without him. I imagine there are wonderful men out there but is it worth meeting several more men like H in order to find one? Probably not.

Sorry, I didn't mean to leap to conclusions - I was just concerned.

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 13:06:46

It's Ok, if it was anything like that I'd have gone to the police.

whatshallwedo Thu 07-Nov-13 13:17:00

My exdp left a couple of months ago as he too was spending more and more time watching porn and chatting to women online. This wasn't the first time he'd been caught out but I decided enough was enough.

I am now on my own with my dd and have to say I am coping fine and I love not having to worry about what he is doing. He, otoh, has made himself out to be a victim by not telling people the truth as to why we split as it portrays him in a bad light.

If you have a children's centre nearby go and have a chat with someone there as my one has someone who can help with money/benefits and how to claim.

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 16:10:26

Sounds just like my H, well done for getting free.

whatshallwedo Thu 07-Nov-13 16:28:36

Thank you, you could do it too if you believe you would be happier (not doubting that you would be but only you can make that decision)

I do wonder npw though how I could ever trust another man after all of his lies but that is something to work on for the future.

He does see dd frequently and I think we will both have a better relationship with her as our home life is much more relaxed.

Mia4 Thu 07-Nov-13 16:55:40

OP, forget the whole single mother thing, your question should be: Do I want to continue being in a relationship with a childish, manipulative, useless liar. Sounds like the answers no and I think everyone would be echoing the same in your situation.

My friend got free of someone who was dragging her badly down like this, she was pregnant at the time and it was a really hard step especially when he didn't want to give up all the benefits he got by being with her. She's stronger for it-takes no shit and knows immediately now when people are starting to play games. She now has a lovely DP who is a better dad to her child then his biological father.

TwoStepsBeyond Thu 07-Nov-13 17:01:05

He sounds awful, do LTB, I did for much less than this and I've never been happier. Being single mum to 3 with all the responsibility that entails, is still far better than being a downtrodden emotionally abused wife.

And fwiw I'm financially better off now, as I do get help wi tax credits etc and his maintenance but the main difference is I can choose how that money is spent, not him, so if I want to buy a new coat for DS or a jumper for myself, I can do it without 20 questions when I get home.

HowlingTrap Thu 07-Nov-13 17:09:26

he has form for camming with other women.

jesus u deserve a medal for still being there!

Spirulina Thu 07-Nov-13 17:12:06

there is no specific 'help' for lone parents......its all a caseof wether you qualify for certain benefits. its a myth that there are lone parent benefits. there aren't!

so....are you going to block contact on the basis that he viewed porn? that wont work if it gets to court. you have a long stressful road ahead of you if you think you can block contact

Spirulina Thu 07-Nov-13 17:13:14

twosteps that financial independence takes some getting used to doesn't it! feels good though...

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 17:18:38

tbh I won't need to 'block' contact, if I take DD more than walking distance away from here he won't bother to visit.

Spirulina Thu 07-Nov-13 17:20:19

don't underestimate a man who has had his control removed

Good luck Someone. Any advice you need you will find it in 'relationships' topic thanks

Mattissy Thu 07-Nov-13 17:33:49

Leave, you can't stay with someone out of pity or misguided duty, you only have one shit at life, make it a happy one!

Best thing I ever did was leaving my tosser of an ex, slightly different as we weren't married and had no kids but still stayed with him as I thought I was making his life better and he'd suffer without me. Regret staying so long now, I was just putting off the inevitable.

Mattissy Thu 07-Nov-13 17:34:43

Shot, not shit (that was my ex, not my chances at life, lol)

samandi Fri 08-Nov-13 08:48:06

Why would you want to have a kid with someone like that? That would tie you to him for the next 18 years or so. Arranging access, payments etc. would be a complete nightmare.

samandi Fri 08-Nov-13 08:48:30

You'd be better off having a kid with a sperm donor.

samandi Fri 08-Nov-13 08:50:11

Oops, sorry got the wrong end of the stick. Yes, if you have a kid then leave him already.

Monetbyhimself Fri 08-Nov-13 09:39:38

You deserve better. My abusive marriage finally ended when he had an affair. I was scared shitless smd had yo deal with his suicide/murder threats at the end. He is trying now, with the help of OW, to financially destroy me. I do think you have to be prepared for someone like your Ex to try to keep control of you no matter what. But there are plenty of strong, independent single mums in the lone parents board who can offer you advice and support.

xCupidStuntx Fri 08-Nov-13 09:50:59

I did!! But my ex sounds like a much nicer man than your DH if I'm honest, but it wasn't working out anymore I felt all the magic had gone from the relationship, he had stopped making any effort for me.
Now it's just me and my daughter and I can't begin to tell you how much I enjoy it, never bad atmosphere in the house, always laughing together, doing our own thing, she's much more secure now and well behaved because they sense when things aren't right.
I feel bad saying this because ex isn't a bad person at all but it's one of the best decisions I've ever made!

spongebobmum Fri 08-Nov-13 11:19:44

I did, my exp was a liar as well as lazy, inconsiderate, a heavy drinker and verabally abusive on occasion... I had enough one day when our son was just a few months old and finished it, things were so much better for me once he left... despite the financial strain I was left with paying a mortgage and everything alone, I knew where I stood and wasn't putting up with his shit... I'm now with someone else but I was v happy alone and the day I left exp is the day I got my life back. Good luck whatever you decide op

thepig Fri 08-Nov-13 11:48:53

He is dd dad as much as you are her mum. You have no right to decide he can't be in her life just because you don't like the porn he's watched ffs.

What if he said he had decided you wouldn't play a part in her life for some arbitrary reason?

There would be a lot of kids without fathers if we based the right to parent on the type of porn someone watches...

As for your original question. YANBU. Sounds like you'd be much better off alone. He sounds like a dick.

harticus Fri 08-Nov-13 11:57:50

There would be a lot of kids without fathers if we based the right to parent on the type of porn someone watches...

If a man is watching rape porn he is a useless imbecilic shithead of the first order.
If he is watching rape porn and has a young daughter he is beyond redemption.
OP - get rid of him asap for both your sakes.

Monetbyhimself Fri 08-Nov-13 12:21:05

Wow Thepig. Appropriate user name.

YouTheCat Fri 08-Nov-13 12:31:11

Indeed. Of course he'll be a wonderful role model. hmm What a ridiculous thing to say, Thepig - seriously.

thepig Fri 08-Nov-13 13:40:41

Sorry where did I say he would be a great role model?

And to the other poster please explain the need to insult me, I'm all ears smile

Spirulina Fri 08-Nov-13 14:45:30

thepig is right.....a court would not condone the removal of him from the childs life over porn....its a rape type scenario.....yes,disgusting,but he hasn't broken the law. he may have viewed it the once and decided not to ever look at that type again. op doesn't say

ThisWayForCrazy Fri 08-Nov-13 15:07:43

I would become single in a second if this was my life.

In fact, I did just that, and have never looked back.

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