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When do you "allow" your kids to delete you from FB

(53 Posts)
Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 22:54:56

DS1 is 16. He's a good kid, doesn't go our much, very image conscious (won't invite anyone over as we are "embarrassing" - we are quite normal). I am a single mum most of the time as OH (not his dad) is in the Navy and lives on base 600 miles away.

Made him wait till 14 to have FB he is now 16 and wants to delete me although has my parents sister etc on there. He is respectful of what he sees as my pretty strict rules (for his 16th bday he was allowed to play 18 games).

I kind of understand though that he wants his privacy and really want him to feel able to have his mates over and that I trust him - but he has his wider family on there (including his dad and his dads family who live abroad and all hate me and have blocked me) so I kind of want to monitor what he is putting out there.

Argh what do I do? Or do I just tell him to make another account for just his mates?

Strumpetron Tue 05-Nov-13 22:56:37

Christ my brothers go through spells of deleting my mum then re-adding her (usually when they get with and split up with girls)

I think if he's old enough to have a social networking account, he's old enough to not have you have you as a friend.

Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 22:57:48

They had them at 14 on the proviso I was their friend and had their password (although I have never snooped).

SwedishEdith Tue 05-Nov-13 23:00:29

I think 16 is old enough to delete you.

Strumpetron Tue 05-Nov-13 23:01:56

Ah right, in my humble opinion I think you should let him delete you, cut the strings a bit and give him a bit of freedom online. At 16 he should be able to know what is and what isn't acceptable to say when wider family can see it.

If it's the wider family that's the main issue - does he really want to have them on or is it just a matter of they added him, he kept them on?

MammaTJ Tue 05-Nov-13 23:03:51

This has never come up with my 18 year old DD, but you should let him delete you at 16. That was when my DD had her own, unknown to me, password!

Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 23:04:51

I think my biggest fear is him doing something out of order or ill advised and his dad/dads family pointing it out to me and it being used as more ammunition to tell me what a crap parent I am sad

usualsuspect Tue 05-Nov-13 23:05:19

I think at 16 he's old enough to decide he doesn't want you on his fb anymore.

YesterdayI Tue 05-Nov-13 23:06:07

I got deleted when my kids were about 16'ish. I was always very strict about Internet usage and Facebook but I thought my kids were responsible enough at 16'ish. They don't use their proper names, have faked birthdays (off by a day or so) and have their privacy settings set. There Facebook accounts are also linked to a Facebook-only email account which is not linked to their usual Email accounts.

If he is a good kid then I think you have to trust him at some point. Now my eldest kids are at University I positively don't won't to see their Facebook pages. grin

I deleted my Facebook account a couple of years ago so I couldn't be their friend now even if they let me.

Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 23:07:39

And also hard for me for him to have all those people on there who have done nothing towards his upbringing but delete me.

I know the rationale is that I am too closely involved in his day to day life to be on there.

Maybe I can just ask my sister to keep an eye?

Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 23:09:03

Not delete me :S

Be horrible and slag me off.

KissesBreakingWave Tue 05-Nov-13 23:10:40

I think someone needs to quietly explain to the lad that what he does is sort his privacy settings so you don't get to see the juicy stuff. While you have a sneaky 'not me honest' account on his friends list - put there because you have access, which you should test regularly - so that if there's a real life-or-death deal you actually get to see it.

Since he hasn't rumbled point one - yet - you won't have to play paranoia games of figuring out if your mole account has been rumbled yet and is being fed disinformation and so on.

I figure when DS2 has learned enough to keep me out of his business, he's earned the privacy. Meanwhile, he's learning lots, fast. He's still not tumbled to how I'm really getting in, and I'm not posting that on here because he's nearly good enough to track me. Wotcha, kaiju. grin

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 05-Nov-13 23:13:04

16 is ok, IMO

Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 23:14:35

Thinking regarding the family situation I might just suggest he has another account for his mates/personal life.

If he hasn't already.

Miniph Tue 05-Nov-13 23:25:54

He doesn't need a seperate account, just to add all the family people to a list, then set his post visibility to 'custom - friends, except 'family''. Then if he wants everyone to see something it's just a quick change to 'posts visible to friends'.

Strumpetron Tue 05-Nov-13 23:31:11

^Thinking regarding the family situation I might just suggest he has another account for his mates/personal life.

If he hasn't already^

Seems a bit of a rigmarole for him, also Facebook doesn't allow duplicate accounts. I think the issue here is your feelings towards what people will think about you, not your DS's usage. I don't think it's fair on him to let that happen.

YesterdayI Tue 05-Nov-13 23:45:44

Facebook is a bit crap at regulating itself. It is quite a bit harder than it was to have two accounts but nothing past the capabilities of most teens

SwedishEdith Tue 05-Nov-13 23:54:15

Don't you just need 2 email accounts to set up a bogus account? My bogus account always used to pop up as a friend suggestion for me. But, yes, making a group for Family would be more straightforward

Strumpetron Tue 05-Nov-13 23:56:51

Yeah I know but it seems silly to do so just because the OP is worried about opinions of others. Like people have suggested he can stop them being able to read his posts etc.

HarryStottle Wed 06-Nov-13 07:41:32

I told my son he could unfriend me at 16. A few months later I'm still there. However I suspect his settings are such that I don't see his posts.

DixonBainbridge Wed 06-Nov-13 08:11:39

My lad unfriended me when he was 16. He's got my mum & all my relatives as friends though!! I think we're too close to home for him TBH & it came across as snooping (and it did almost feel like reading his diary).

I do sometimes get "OMG, how's XXX? He said YYY" texted from my Mum & have to confess that I don't know what he's written, sometimes its worrying stuff (he's sad, fed up, upset), other times he's blagging them! His older brother (21) is a friend & keeps an eye on him for me, but it's not something I lose too much sleep over....

mitchsta Wed 06-Nov-13 13:09:49

I think he's old enough to delete you. I'm well old now (30) but there are still some family members I'm happy to have as my FB friends (80 YO great uncle who lives in the States, an aunty, my mum's friend, etc) and some that I'm not ('gossipy' aunt who would use anything she possibly could as a way to dis my DM's parenting skills... even now! - her own kids won't add her either probably because there are almost daily photos of them completely paralytic on their uni nights out ) I love my parents dearly, but at 16, hell would have frozen over before I befriended my dad on Facebook.

My point is, there are all kinds of reasons that he might want to remove you and not other relatives. He might not even know why. Or it could just be something like "it's too weird." Maybe he doesn't give as much of a sh1t what his dad thinks of him, but doesn't want to risk you seeing things that might disappoint/worry/upset you or whatever. I really have no idea, just speculating.

Don't worry about what other people think. If they use FB to judge your parenting skills, they're wankers.

OHforDUCKScake Wed 06-Nov-13 13:20:04

They delete you?!

That sucks!

sonu678 Wed 06-Nov-13 13:24:53

I think the op is being excessively controlling. The child is 16, that means he can get married without his mothers permission. In two years time he will be old enough to go off to war. IN america he is old enough to have the death penalty enforced on him. I could go on and on and on. Let the kid grow up a little, and I am not referring only to fb. You want your son to be a man, not tied to mummy's apron strings.
That sounds a bit more harsh than I mean it to. But I'm not sure how to say so without being harsh. And yes,I am still mad at my ds for deleting me from his fb account. He is also a good kid like you have described, but he doesnt want his mom on there.

Gossipmonster Wed 06-Nov-13 14:34:33

Erm - he would need my permission to get married in the UK.... hmm

Beastofburden Wed 06-Nov-13 14:46:53

My DS has forgotten to unfriend me but there is no way I am going near his FB profile, there is such a thing as TMI. I decided to stop looking when he was around 15.

Actually I am more worried about what he might read on mine hmm

JustAnotherFucker Wed 06-Nov-13 14:52:27

I have been blocked for aaaaages by dd yet she happily has loads of family/extended family on there who spy for me hmm grin I think I am just a massive embarrassment!

Shonajoy Wed 06-Nov-13 17:20:55

My son won't be my friend on Facebook!

My son deleted me at 16, i am however fiends with many of his friends so i can see what he up to 90% of the time, not that its any of my business hes 19 now. My DD has two accounts one for friends and family and one for friends i cant see the friends one although she told me send her a friend request i keep forgetting, to be honest the bad spelling and swearing puts me of wanting to see,

tiredoutgran Wed 06-Nov-13 18:35:18

I would have to make her accept me first - she simply won't! Mind you, she is 22, but it still hurts smile

ThoraNomiki Wed 06-Nov-13 21:48:49

Why would people not want their parents on their friends list? That's just odd. It's a profile to share photos and videos and thoughts with the people you know and like, right?
I'd be warning him now never to make anything about himself public that he wouldn't want his mum to see. Not because you're a stalker mum (you don't sound like it to me) but because once you put something out there on the internet it's difficult, if not impossible, to claw it back.
Reminds me of Sun, sex and suspicious parents. Why would you behave in a way in public that you wouldn't want some people to see?! There's always the possibility what with camera-phones and the internet.

Strumpetron Wed 06-Nov-13 21:51:02

Why would people not want their parents on their friends list?

Would you want your parents hanging out with you and your friends confused it's just the same for some people. When I was younger I used facebook for me and my friends to chat amongst ourselves, I didn't want my mum reading my conversations - none of it was rude or naughty - it was just well it's my mum grin

I do now have her on there and speak to her most days, she's like one of my best friends grin

littlewhitebag Wed 06-Nov-13 21:55:33

I have never had Facebook. I detest it. My children (DD's age 15 and 21) both have it and have done for years. I have made sure they understand the dangers of the internet and they also know if they ever leave it open on the computer i will look at it. I would never ever have wanted to friend them on facebook. It seems slightly weird to me.

Strumpetron Wed 06-Nov-13 21:58:44

they also know if they ever leave it open on the computer i will look at it

So they'll just be extra careful at closing it then confused

FuckyNell Wed 06-Nov-13 21:58:52

Gosh I call my my 16 year old dd ditcherNell with good reason

specialsubject Wed 06-Nov-13 21:59:30

trouble is that children on facebook can give away your address, when you are not home, where you go on holiday, loads of other details. Bring on harrassment and ID fraud.

The 'he can get married' argument is specious.

he needs to be fully aware of all the pitfalls, set privacy settings and not compromise your security before he earns online privacy. Not that there is any such thing!

Strumpetron Wed 06-Nov-13 22:03:13

I do agree it can be dangerous, Facebook has been less than transparent with it's changes lately and it's doing no good at all. Making things private has gone much harder - the other day I couldn't make ALL my photos private, I had to go through them one by one, despite my profile being set to private.

It used to be - private profile = no-one except friends can see. Now you have to change 'permissions' for status updates, different photo albums, personal details, work details etc.. it's a mine field for someone who isn't savvy. I've had to log onto a few of my friends profiles to hide everything for them.

Ursula8 Wed 06-Nov-13 22:09:43

God I blocked my DD aged 16 because she kept giving me grief about what she could see I was up to on FB.

Ab Fab anyone?

Strumpetron Wed 06-Nov-13 22:11:37

ursula Ha I have a suspicion my mum hides things from me, I know she has a fella she chats too but I'm not allowed to look shock

Oh how the tables have turned grin

Caff2 Wed 06-Nov-13 22:16:33

My dad's my facebook friend. So's my auntie. I'm 36...

FortyDoorsToNowhere Wed 06-Nov-13 22:16:40

If i had facebook at 16 I would have had 2 accounts.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Wed 06-Nov-13 22:19:09

I am 48 and I have two FB accounts grin

Strumpetron Wed 06-Nov-13 22:20:42

My dad has one, he hasn't a clue how to use it and often ends up commenting on photos from ages ago to try and start a conversation. He also has put his work as my work for some reason I don't know how he's managed to get that muddled up.

kaumana Wed 06-Nov-13 22:22:51

kisses Ha! glad to see someone on this thread that is aware of how FB. works.

Theas18 Wed 06-Nov-13 22:23:57

Mine haven't actually deleted me..... but I'm sure the older 2 have me on limited profile. I haven't insisted they keep me though.

It's lovely just to get the odd photo of the eldest at a party etc and be able to message her if needed.It was great when she went interrailing too to be able to see the photos.

I would be wary of a child younger than 16 not having an adult over view- an I'm sure the kids don't have each other on limited so if anything really bad happened they'd say which is reassuring.

BerstieSpotts Wed 06-Nov-13 22:26:14

Don't let his dad's family's opinion encroach on your life! Who cares what your ex thinks of you - he's your ex! And if your DS isn't your friend then you're free to bitch about said ex to your own friends wink


(Joke... or at least, keep it to PM!)

pixwix Wed 06-Nov-13 22:29:27

Ds1 is now 16 - I rarely use FB. When he was about 14, he unfriended me from FB on the grounds that I didn't really need to know who fancied their new geography teacher etc...

Having said that, I have a computer downstairs kinda rule, and when he realised we had mutual friends, and I wasn't chasing him, he added me back confused.

purpleroses Wed 06-Nov-13 22:29:39

Would he agree to keep you on there if you promise not to comment on any of his posts or photos?

I wouldn't take it personally that he wants you off there, but is happy with wider family - it's not wider family we need to break away from in our teens, it's those we're closest too. If you've brought him up pretty much as a single parent you probably have quite a close relationship, and he's feeling the need now to establish his own identity a bit. At 16, I'd let him de-friend you (but yes, you could ask your sister or someone to keep an eye out for anything that's a real cause for concern, just like you would if he was hanging around in person somewhere she went, but you didn't)

kaumana Wed 06-Nov-13 22:52:55

On FB you can choose what you want each individual to see. So, for example on a night there might be some pics that I don't want my family to see, a couple of boxes checked and you would never have seen me dancing on the tables.. and the rest...

I am "friends" with all my DCs on facebook (well, the ones who have an account anyway) the oldest is 20 and the youngest is 14. I'm pretty sure that any teenager who didn't want their parent on their fb account would just set up another one anyway. I don't look very often but occasionally I take a peek, the fact that there is never anything worth seeing makes me wonder how many accounts they have wink

jellybeans Wed 06-Nov-13 23:02:09

I'm fb friends with all my DC, eldest is 17. They don't mind as long as I don't try join I with 'teenage stuff'. I keep an eye on them if worried and made DD delete her askfm as sometimes they don't seem to see the dangers and the fact it is public forever and potential employers etc can easily find stuff about your private life if you post all on sundry.

kaumana Wed 06-Nov-13 23:02:13

He really hasn't figured FB out yet and neither have you. I would suggest that you make a point of using social media and learning how to block/ hide info from people.

littlewhitebag Thu 07-Nov-13 14:22:02

Actually they do leave it open, especially my elder DD. There has never been anything on it that worried me when i did look. I am sure they would hide things from me if they had to but i honestly don't believe they have anything to hide. I have a pretty open and frank relationship with my girls.

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