To hate these vile women?!

(100 Posts)
Leljay Sun 03-Nov-13 15:59:05

Hi all.

My friend, we shall call him S, is a twenty-something year old single dad to a beautiful, cheeky, almost 2 year old LB. LB's mama, and S's partner of over 10 years, and sadly, wife of only a few months(We shall call her N), died very tragically when LB was just 3 months old. Obviously, S is still grieving heavily from her death, but is completely devoted to his little man. They have a very strong, very beautiful to see relationship, yet it is always bittersweet. N was my best friend, and she was over the moon when LB was born - he is a little boy born of a lot of love,he was so wanted, and she was so excited to finally have a baby.

As I said, S is completely devoted, and is a fantastic father. He signed himself up for bereavement and grief counselling not long after N passed away, as he wanted his full focus to be on LB, and to manage his grief properly so that he could be a good father. Everything he does, he does for that little boy, and I only wish I could be half the parent he is. How he ever managed to deal with a young baby, and work, and handle his grief, I will never know. It shows in LB, who is now a gorgeous, happy, healthy little boy, the absolute spit of his Daddy, with his mama's big eyes (S likes to joke about how cliche it is!). I love him dearly, and his spirit and cheeky ways reminds me of his mama so much - I am so grateful to play such a place in his life.

S is a member of the Armed Forces (although has switched to a non-deployment role after N passed away), and works full-time. As such, LB has attended a nursery/creche since he was 6 months old. He loves it there, the women who run it are fantastic, and he is thriving. It means S does not have to worry about him while he works, and it works very well. I often elect to pick up LB from nursery, as my own little one goes to one not far away, as it helps S out, and lets me spend some time with him.

However, I have noticed something that makes me so impossibly angry and hurt, and I need tips for dealing with it. Several of the other mothers at the nursery like to make comments about LB, S and the situation. They tell me often that they feel sorry for LB, as he does not have a mother, and that S should find a new partner as LB needs a mother - it is selfish of him to stay single, and put him in nursery. After I snapped and told them how hurtful what they are saying is, it has got nastier. They have called him an unfit father, as he still attends grief counselling once a month, and apparently this makes him 'mentally unstable'. They will find the smallest things to pick holes at - that I am picking up LB /again/, that S was even a minute late to dropping him off/picking him up, that LB is wearing a top with a small stain on it (that will not wash out).

I am beyond frustrated, and hurt, and upset over this. S is a wonderful father, and I do not want these stupid comments to ever make him question what a good job he is doing. Obviously, he is a grown man and can deal with some spiteful comments, but as a friend, it makes me so angry. So my question is, fellow parents - what would you do? What should I/we do? S is reluctant to face it and prefers to ignore it, but I find it very, VERY hard to. Am I being completely unreasonable by wanting to put these spiteful witches in their place!?


cardibach Sun 03-Nov-13 16:02:27

I have nothing helpful to suggest, except broken record "S is a great father" and not engaging.
I can tell you what I would want to do though - violence! (Yes I know it is never the answer smile ).

Brucietheshark Sun 03-Nov-13 16:04:04

Gosh how difficult. Who the jeff are they saying all this stuff to though? If to your face, surely you can tear strips off them?

AgentZigzag Sun 03-Nov-13 16:06:12

What makes you still talk to these women if they're saying such awful things?

Does the Dad know them too, is that how they know he's going to grief counselling? If he does, then it'd be much worse in my eyes if they're talking to him sympathetically to his face but using the information he gives to cut him to pieces behind his back.

It's totally inappropriate for them to comment on him, they must know you're his friend. How does he know what they're saying about him to you? Does that mean you've told him?

Sorry, lots of questions, but it's an unusual situation.

fanjofarrow Sun 03-Nov-13 16:06:18

They sound like a bunch of obnoxious, patronising, pig ignorant harridans. I would simply tell them to blow it out their arses. What business is it of their anyway?

MisterBadExample Sun 03-Nov-13 16:08:19

You might care to point out that the moral lowness needed to indulge in malicious gossip behind someone's back makes them entirely unfit to be in charge of livestock, let alone children.

harticus Sun 03-Nov-13 16:09:54

Perhaps his way of dealing with it is the most effective - rise above it and ignore it.
Don't credit them with any intelligence or importance by acknowledging what they have to say.
He has far more important things on his plate than dealing with stupid gossip.
And it sounds like he is handling it very well.

I would rip them a new one, physically but then I'm a confrontational person.

I'd tell rather no mother than a mother a spiteful, bitter and petty as them and that pity their children who clearly haven't got a hope in hell of becoming nice mentally stable people with such cunts for parents.

I also might mention that they don't understand because their husbands are clearly fools, well they married those bitches so stupid enough, who couldn't handle the situation half as well as S.

Or more politely, he does have a mother who sadly passed away so how about a little compassion.

caramelwaffle Sun 03-Nov-13 16:13:33

Don't talk to them at all then they cannot gossipmonger to you.

CustardLover Sun 03-Nov-13 16:16:40

Horrible! But as your friend is such a good dad and the LB is so charming and healthy, they are only making themselves look mean and stupid. I would just say something like 'I really disagree, I think they're both doing really well and I don't feel comfortable discussing them like this'. I wouldn't be confrontational as you don't know how it might affect the LB down the line - a coven like that might spitefully act to have him excluded from birthday parties etc. they sound like cows, they will engineer their own downfall, don't engage with them and give them any excuse.

RubyrooUK Sun 03-Nov-13 16:17:38

When people are horrible, sometimes I choose to accidentally misunderstand them.


"You're right, it's so good that LB can go to nursery while S works hard to support him. I have so much respect for people who work hard to support their children."

"You're right, it would be lovely for S to meet someone. But thank god he's the sort of sensible person who wants to wait for the right person and deal with his grief so he and LB can build their own happy family."

"Yes, babies clothes always stain. Lucky it's not a fashion parade here, eh? It's so wasteful to throw away perfectly good clothes for kids when they grow out of them so quickly."

Then if people don't get the message that I am NOT interested in bitching and a swift subject change, I just say directly that I'm not interested in it.

PloddingDaily Sun 03-Nov-13 16:20:32

What a bunch of bitches!!!

My mum died when I was 13 & sis 6. My dad didn't get counselling, but ended up on prozac for years & marrying a totally messed up alcoholic so as to 'provide us with a mum.' It was hell. You can't 'cut & paste' families just because it sounds like a nice idea! hmm

Your friend, by contrast, sounds wonderful. He is doing his best & it's sounds pretty darn good to me. My kids are fortunate enough to have both of us around still, but they go to nursery as I work part time - there are actually lots of benefits. I think those gossiping harpies should wind their necks in & if they've got no constructive suggestions or help to offer, should just - that would be my advice to them anyway!

You sound like a lovely friend, I'm glad you've got S's back, sounds like he needs good people onside. Stay the course, don't let those vultures wind you or your friend up - they sound like they'd bitch about anything.

HauntedFlyingNaanBread Sun 03-Nov-13 16:21:29

I wouldn't engage - a simple "I fail to understand how S and his family life are any of your business" accompanied by a cold stare. The just ignore them.

Er do you fancy him? Unsure why you are so invested beyond friendship?

Flossyfloof Sun 03-Nov-13 16:22:49

How do these people know that he is still attending counselling?
If this is true, I think you should simply not get involved in discussing him or his situation.

RevelsRoulette Sun 03-Nov-13 16:23:02

not a lot you can say. maybe point out that you are very sure they wouldnt be so spiteful about a single mother, so you think they are ridiculously sexist.

AnyCoffeeFucker Sun 03-Nov-13 16:26:35

I would tell them they are a nasty bunch of bitches and to fuck off. But im like that.

You could just ignore ?

littlewhitebag Sun 03-Nov-13 16:27:29

People can be invested in a relationship without fancying someone. One of my friends lost his wife when their Dd was 3. Another close, single friend helped out tirelessly with him and his DD but there was never any element of fancying it was just one good friend helping out another.

elfycat Sun 03-Nov-13 16:35:08

You don;t have to fancy someone to want to help - what a bitchy comment. Still the OP can see that small minded bitching happens everywhere.

Serving members of the armed forces are very good at making friendships, it's what happens when you move around for work like they do. They are good at keeping old friends and adept at making new community groups.

OP I agree with the rise above it and to put a positive slant on their comments. Mentally-unstable for getting bereavement counselling?? What a fab father to try to get himself into a level emotional state, carry on with his career and to muddle along with parenting I muddle my way through

Leljay Sun 03-Nov-13 16:38:54

Thank you for all the replies, glad to see it's not just me....

I am so in two minds about being confrontational, because I do not want LB to end up alienated by a bunch of spiteful, petty women.

I would like to clarify, I do not openly speak to them. There is a very small waiting area where we have to pick the children up, and they like to discuss quite loudly, or titter and whisper. Very very pathetic, sometimes I feel like I am back at school.

And no, Minnieisthedevilmouse. Absolutely not. S and I have been friends for many, many years; he is like an older brother to me. He, N, myself, my LB's father, and some of our still close friends all attended school together and have stayed very close. As N was my best friend, and S is also a very old and very good friend, I feel obliged to help him. Tell me you could watch one of your best friends, whom you have known for years, and his newborn child have something like this happen to them, and NOT step in to help in any way you can. He and N were there for me when I went through a lot of issues with my LB's father, and I feel I owe it to both of them to be a good friend. Why should I have to want to bed him to want to help?

As for the counselling issue, S was quite open with them after N passed away - in his own words, there is nothing shameful with asking for help when you need it, especially when it concerns a child's welfare. He thought it would help to stem the rumour mill and set the bar straight. The gossip mill turned this into something much bigger, as it always does.

MadAsFish Sun 03-Nov-13 16:42:54

Er do you fancy him? Unsure why you are so invested beyond friendship?

WTF? Is that the only possible interpretation you can think of?

reelingintheyears Sun 03-Nov-13 16:56:47

Nice one Minnie hmm

ZombieMojaveWonderer Sun 03-Nov-13 17:07:54

I can imagine how hard it is for you to listen to it but the best thing is to ignore and don't bother engaging with them. I am sure they will have someone else to talk about soon enough.

moldingsunbeams Sun 03-Nov-13 17:29:19

I think if they were doing it in a waiting room like that I would pull the lot of them up.

I would tell them they should be ashamed of theirselves berating a man who is grieving his wife and that you hope that they recieve the same lack of support if they are ever in that situation fuckers

mitchsta Sun 03-Nov-13 17:36:17

Ignore it all. It's only getting to you because you're letting it. He's doing a great job and that's all that mattrers. Fuck 'em.

Salmotrutta Sun 03-Nov-13 17:45:32

You sound like a good friend OP and he sounds like a man who has sought help that he knew he needed.

Those women sound like spiteful gossips.

Whoever suggested saying "Actually I think he is doing a great job" is spot on.

KeziaK Sun 03-Nov-13 17:46:17

What about ' If something happened to me I can only hope that my child would be as well cared for.' ?

AgentZigzag Sun 03-Nov-13 18:03:56

Is the little lad alright at the nursery?

Just wondering whether any of what the parents say rubs off on how the other children are with him?

It sounds such a hostile atmosphere for so many to find it acceptable to talk like this. I mean, I know a lot of people feel uncomfortable about standing up to a gang of bullies, but I'm surprised it's just being let go by everyone.

needaholidaynow Sun 03-Nov-13 19:22:48

Are these women the people caring for the children?

If so then they are very unprofessional for a start, and should be sacked for talking about such personal issues to do with children/ parents.

They sound like vile human beings.

Leljay Sun 03-Nov-13 19:33:38

needaholidaynow - No, they are fellow parents. The women who run the nursery are wonderful, and I have no complaints against them. These women are parents of children a year or so older than LB.

AgentZigZag - LB enjoys himself, is always happy and chatty, never has a problem going to nursery, and has several little friends. He is only 19 months, so is quite unaware of what is being said, and his little friends' parents are not involved in this (that I know of). As I said, it is older childrens' mothers, and they are in a different room at the nursery. On the other point, I think many people are afraid to step in because of the whole issue at hand (N's passing, not wanting to get involved). It is sad. One friend of mine, who was also a friend of N's, who has now moved, was asked not to stand in the waiting room with this group as she gave them a mouthful for what they were saying. Damned if you do....

needaholidaynow Sun 03-Nov-13 19:39:37

Oh right sad How awful.

If it was a mother who was single due to her husband and father of her child passing away, I highly doubt she would have such vitriol spoke about her and would be supported by the other parents around her.

They sound like Misandrists. Men can't possibly be decent lone parents.


AgentZigzag Sun 03-Nov-13 19:41:54

'was asked not to stand in the waiting room with this group as she gave them a mouthful for what they were saying.'

Was asked by the nursery or the mums?

Good for your friend though, it must be noticeable to the nursery surely? It's bullying pure and simple and they can't accept that kind of thing going on on their premises?

Did you say the Dad's aware these things are being said?

How did he find out?

TheRealAmandaClarke Sun 03-Nov-13 19:46:09

Sorry about your friend. thanks
This must be very hard.
Maybe you could just tell them that their comments are totally inappropriate.
Anything else, although extremely tempting, could make you feel worse.

Ignore the fuckers !
They don't know the ins and outs of his life, what nosey feckers.

phantomnamechanger Sun 03-Nov-13 19:54:04

hopefully one of the stupid cows will recognise themselves on here and think again about being so downright bitchy.

Tell S we all think he's doing a fantastic job!

FesterAddams Sun 03-Nov-13 19:58:08

Don't want to make you paranoid, but...
Presumably they know you're there to pick up the LB. So the fact that they're saying this in your presence is unlikely to be accidental. It's either some kind of fucked up criticism of you, or they're hoping it will get back to S.
I don't have a better suggestion than to ignore, sorry.

Rockinhippy Sun 03-Nov-13 20:14:33

Horrible nasty cows

If it were me I would ignore them, they are not worth the wasted breath - whilst wearing a Tee or Sweat Shirt in plain view with the large bold slogan...

Great Minds Discuss Ideas

Average Minds Discuss Things


There's lots of online sites where you could have one printed - get one for S too, it can be your nursery pick uniform wink

Screamqueen Sun 03-Nov-13 20:19:06

Er do you fancy him? Unsure why you are so invested beyond friendship?

Minnie you do realise men and women can be friends dont you without sexual attraction being involved? hmm

Rockinhippy Sun 03-Nov-13 20:22:44

Er do you fancy him? Unsure why you are so invested beyond friendship

Minnie you do realise men and women can be friends dont you without sexual attraction being involved

Yes even my 11 yr old gets thathmm - she rightly tore a strip off a boy in her class for presuming otherwise & pointed out that it was very sexist & saying otherwise made hime look like a Neanderthal prat

I was so proud grin

DownstairsMixUp Sun 03-Nov-13 20:25:25

What bitches! And way to go minnie hmm do you feel good making shite comments like that? No doubt you are probably the sort that makes these comments like these women do. I don't think there is much you can do OP aside from confront and tell them you don't appreciate how rude they are. I often send my ds in tops with stains that NEVER go in the wash as i never ever put him in amazing clothes for nursery as they always end up in paint/food/glue etc etc. Them sort of comments are just horrible and they sound like thorougly nasty people.

LaLaLeni Sun 03-Nov-13 20:39:52

I'm sad for anyone who wants to read into this to satisfy their own agenda - I'd imagine they've been hurt in some way and that's why they feel the need to link your genuine caring to imagined sexual feeling.

The other women are purely serving themselves and their own fragile egos. They see you doing something so selfless and they struggle because they'd never give up their time the way you have.

Do what you believe to be right and put those people out of your mind because you're one of the precious few for whom altruism isn't just a word.

Leljay Sun 03-Nov-13 20:51:06

AgentZigzag - She was asked by a nursery worker who no longer works there. Apparently, her outburst was not welcome, but bitching is... I digress. The girls who work there now, most of them are young and are clearly uncomfortable with getting involved in the situation. However, LB loves his nursery and is very settled, and S refuses to disrupt him from that due to a few nasty women.

And consequently, he found out due to our friend that was asked not to be in the waiting room. He ignores it, I don't know how. One woman even asked him if he'd considered online dating, since he'd had 'no luck'. He gave her the tightest smile I've ever seen, and thanked her for her suggestion, before walking off. He is a much more patient, better person than I....

Rockinhippy - that is awesome!! Go your girl!!

DownstairsMixUp - I am the same. My own LB often goes in in tops with stains. He's a messy kind of boy, and nursery isn't a fashion show!!

And thank you for all your suggestions everyone, I really appreciate it. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind!!

AgentZigzag Sun 03-Nov-13 20:56:25

Is that what the women could be thinking though?

That because the OP's helping him out so much that either the OP's made a move on him or there was stuff going on beforehand (not that it's any of their business or excuses their bollocks).

TheRealAmandaClarke Mon 04-Nov-13 03:08:03

I wonder if some women might see this man as available and desirable. A young widower with a child. So he's "fair game" for their intervention.
It's all very unpleasant.
Fwiw if I threw out every item of clothing of my DCs that has a stain, I'd be buying new clothes every day. Odd thing to criticise.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Mon 04-Nov-13 03:45:21

If S we're posting here, I'd tell him he needs to move his child from such an insanely toxic environment. It is totally unacceptable that the nursery has not intervened if they are behaving as you describe.

He's not posting, though, you are. And you need to take a step back because you are a bit over involved. S has been in a very difficult situation but he's a grown man and he can fight his own battles.

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Mon 04-Nov-13 03:51:21

Minnie, you're how old? hmm

I'd say something. Once . And then never even look at them again

"Maybe you value your marriage so little that the first thing you would do is find another warm body to take your husbands place, but luckily for S he had an amazing wonderful wife who he loved very much and set the bar very high and he isn't quite that desperate."

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Mon 04-Nov-13 03:58:56

The op isn't fighting his battles or over involved. She's spending time with a child she cares about and in order to do that she's forced to listen to vileness about her close friend. Would you just ignore verbal abuse about a loved one? The fact that they say it to her is an act of aggression towards her as well.

TSSDNCOP Mon 04-Nov-13 04:13:50

Is the nursery attached to the base at which S works? Is there some kind of pastoral professional type that could intervene here if the nursery staff won't step up?

And to answer your question, yes I agree they are vile. Well done for keeping your cool OP, I'd have been banned from the room like your other friend by now.

PresidentServalan Mon 04-Nov-13 08:30:42

Rockinghippy Your DD sounds amazing!

OP my advice would be to ignore these vicious bitches

Oh you lot are funny. I asked because it's not her problem. It is only his. If he is ok then really what does it matter to her? She's the one making a mountain out of a molehill. She is the one sounding like she's protesting a mite too much.

He sounds sorted. Happy or content. He's ignoring idiots. Doesn't sound to me like he needs saving, or anything. So, why are you? It's really got nothing to do with you. Let me get on with it, if he's not listening it's just wind isn't it.

Like many here apparently.

Him not me.

LordPalmerston Mon 04-Nov-13 08:43:50

I would suggest you're a bit infatuated by the dad.

OP by any chance would the spiteful cows use Mumsnet?

You sound lovely, and so does your friend. Keep ignoring, they would love to get some drama out of this situation - and if you say anything you will be giving them exactly what they want.

sheldor Mon 04-Nov-13 09:11:48

Yanbu op.Ignore some of the idiots on here.If i saw someone being bullied(as that is what it is) I couldn't ignore it.They sound like spiteful bitches.

ILoveAFullFridge Mon 04-Nov-13 09:16:47

Maybe Minnie put it a bit crudely, but TBF the first thing that occurred to me was "What do those women make of the relationship between Leljay and S?"

Are they insinuating a relationship?

Are they jealous that he ignores them, but obviously not her?

Wwe on this thread recognise that men and women can have close, intimate, friendships that do not involve sex. It is surprising how many people disagree - even women!

sheldor Mon 04-Nov-13 09:18:47

Even if the op was in relationship it's no one elses buisness and its no exuse for bullying.Jelousy is ugly

LordPalmerston Mon 04-Nov-13 09:19:26

* mind boggles at spelling there*

fairy1303 Mon 04-Nov-13 09:23:06

My DH was a single parent until I moved in 4 years ago - not through bereavement but through mum handing over DSD.

He has faced so so much discrimination, judgment etc it is untrue.
That makes me angry enough but to jump on this situation is just disgusting. He sounds like he is doing an amazing job.

sheldor Mon 04-Nov-13 09:29:14

That is awful Fairy.You just wonder why these people think that it's got anything to do with them.Nosey cows.I do think the best thing to do is ignore them though they obviously get a rise out of insulting people

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 04-Nov-13 09:42:22

If putting your child in Nursery is akin to cruelty then what the jeffing heck are their children doing in there?

Is it an army base op? Are these also working mums at the nursery? Sounds like they need a job to take their minds off other peoples business. Their lives must be so small and meaningless. Army life is riddled with gossip, from both the serving staff and their very bored partners.

I wouldn't be dragged into this at all. I'd just tell them to wind their necks in and save their breath for cooling their porridge.

wannaBe Mon 04-Nov-13 09:49:56

While these women clearly have far too much time on their hands, I do think that the reaction to this is being blown way out of proportion, both by the op and on here. Expecting the nursery to intervene? Wanting to get the forces pastoral care involved? These women are doing what women have done for centuries – they’re bitching and gossiping about someone. Go into any nursery or any playground and you will see exactly the same thing, do people expect schools/nurseries to get involved every time a parent is gossiped about by other parents? They’d never do anything else.

As for bullying, no it isn’t. It’s pretty unpleasant bitching, but they’re not making these comments directly to the father, they’re making them to each other.

The op’s friend clearly has the right idea by just ignoring them, and IMO some of the comments may not even be intended to be malicious. Suggesting online dating might seem distasteful to the op or the op’s friend, but it’s perhaps not unreasonable to suggest that he might want to explore the possibility of dating at some point, he shouldn’t be expected to stay single for ever to devote his life entirely to his child, he is a human being and at some point should want to explore the possibility of a relationship with someone else. There’s nothing wrong with thinking that, and while maybe the way in which it’s being suggested might be a bit crass I’m not sure it’s necessarily wrong.

I think actually that the op has almost sainted this man as some sort of miracle parent for being able to cope on his own, and rather than fancying him, I wonder whether she is the one who is uncomfortable with the notion of him ever dating again and finding someone to fill the gap in his life left by the op’s friend.

sheldor Mon 04-Nov-13 09:56:06

But it's no one elses business wannaBe.The dad will date if and when he wants.I hate excuses made for gossiping bitches.I'm a woman and i've never felt the need to bitch about people

Lvcat Mon 04-Nov-13 10:13:03

My partner was a single dad before I I came along as DS's mother just upped and left him on the doorstep. He went through so much judgement for not only being a single dad but he was 21 at the time so he had the "young irresponsible father" stereotype to battle too and he has done a wonderful job. My advice with this, as I have had a similar thing happen when picking up DS from school, is to ignore and if they want to blacklist the child from future birthday parties then that just makes them even more pathetic.
It happened with DS but now, he has a strong, small group of friends who do everything together and I think that's worth much more than being invited to a few birthday parties. Rising above is always the best tactic. A good swift "f@&k off" works well too. grin

wannaBe Mon 04-Nov-13 10:18:42

of course he will, and I don't feel the need too bitch either. But reality is that most people do voice opinions about other people, it's just that not all of them do it so publically.

Thing is, if this dad had entered into a new relationship sooner there would be people who would be saying it was too soon, and a lot more people (even on here) would be inclined to agree with that, and yet that's none of anyone's business either.

In truth single dads tend to fall into two categories, either they're saints for being able to bring up a child on their own (as the op appears to think), or the child is suffering because the lack of a mother figure (as appears to be the thought of the women in the group). there doesn't appear to be middle ground where single dads are essentially viewed in the same way as single mums - as equal parents to their children.

Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 11:27:00

Hey. Nowhere did I say S was a saint. He has made many mistakes, as have we all, and has his moments - he's a parent, but he's also a man who lost his wife in a very brutal car crash that his young son was involved in to. He'd returned from deployment not so long ago, was adjusting back to civvie life, because it can take some time, was trying to get used to being a new parent. And then that happened. And if you had been through what he has been through, and came out the other side doing as good a job as he is doing, I'd have the same level of respect for you. It just so happens it happened to very good friends of mine, who are really like family.

I have no intention of getting pastoral involved, nor do I want the nursery to. I asked for myself: that is why I am posting it, and not S. S is content to ignore it, as 'women like to bitch', and he rises above it. I am not that patient, and as a woman, get pretty angry at other female that think it's okay to bitch, especially like this. Plenty of people have plenty to say about him being a single father, and as Fairy said (sadly) discrimination against a single father is even higher than against a single mother.

And on the relationship front. Who S dates/sees/whatever is nothing to do with me, and I'm not interested in it. I want him to be happy, full stop. If you have a good friend, you'd want the same for them. LB is his, and if he feels someone is right for him and them, then it's his decision, and I will welcome whoever it is with open arms. N would want him to be happy, and meet someone else, and settle back down, and personally, I think he would enjoy having another partner, someone to raise LB with, and maybe have more kids, who knows. But that is not what he wants right now, and frankly, has nothing to do with me, so it is a personal opinion I keep to myself.

But do I think highly of him for taking the time out to get himself right emotionally/mentally, putting his time and effort into work and raising LB, instead of jumping from bed to bed to console himself or sitting around wallowing in his grief? Of course I do, and I make no apologies for that.

Slutbucket Mon 04-Nov-13 12:14:56

I must be living on another planet. Where I live a single man bringing up a child in these circumstances would be looked after and supported and given a pat on the back. My DH is very hands on with the kids and it 's amazing the positive comments I get. I really can't get my head around this nastiness. I think I would have to say something.

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 04-Nov-13 12:28:23

God this is why I always hated playgroup/school runs - the mean spirited bitches from school became the mean spirited parents.

Seriously I think the bullying handouts would be just as valuable as guides for the adults too.

I would just say "hes doing a brilliant job, in difficult circumstances" I wouldnt protest too much or they will start saying there is something going on between you as thats what these kind of unintelligent spiteful women do.

If he is still going through the grieving process he certainly shouldnt be looking for a new partner...of course if he had found a new partner then these women would be saying "isnt it disgusting, she not even cold in the ground"

You cant win with people like this and I am sure there are plenty of people who feel how you do.

Still, this isn't about you or your thoughts on what others might be saying. If he's not interested I still don't get why you're worrying about it. Fair enough if he was. He's not but you seem to like the drama or being needed or protecting his honour.

Just do as he is, ignore them!

ouryve Mon 04-Nov-13 12:55:32

These women must have paired up with some real losers if this is their opinion of men. What a nasty, spiteful bunch sad

Definitely don't engage. You could say the wittiest, most reasonable thing in the world and they would twist it into vicious gossip.

Minnie, you're no better.angry

mellicauli Mon 04-Nov-13 12:57:17

I always think when Mums do this it is not really about the other person - they find a weakness in someone else just as proof that they are doing a good job. No one gives you an appraisal or a thank you or a bonus for being a Mum. But some people just need that affirmation.

SO next time, change the subject by finding something nice to say (eg how nicely the child's hair is done etc). See it as a bit of social work!

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Mon 04-Nov-13 13:01:08

Minnie if you went to do school run and heard people verbally abusing your very good friend in front of you... You'd not give a fuck?

Sounds like the kind of friend id want hmm

MrsDeVere Mon 04-Nov-13 13:11:45

I think the nursery have a duty of care here.
Its not good enough for them to not want to get involved.
It is up to them to set the tone. These women are not going to just focus on your friend they are likely to move on to someone else if they have not done so already.

This is their hobby and their daily habit.

They need to be told in no uncertain terms that gossiping about children and families is not permitted and if they have any actual safeguarding concerns they need to go through the correct channels or shut the fuck up.

A school/nursery should not have to have an anti bullying policy for parents but unfortunately they need them.

This is happening on their premises in hearing of staff and it needs to stop.

They are free to do it elsewhere but why should they have a cosy little nook for their gossiping?

I would complain to the nursery and ask them to do something about it.

Say it is a 'Safeguarding Issue' and let them get on with it.

ZombieMonkeyButler Mon 04-Nov-13 13:19:38

OP - your friend sounds like he's doing an excellent job of being a single parent. I'm sorry that these stupid, ignorant, women can't see this. It actually says quite a lot that these parents do not have children in LB's age group. This suggests that they know very little about him & are basing their assumptions on the fact that he is a single parent alone. Which is clearly ridiculous.

Minnie - do you have any close friends? Really? Are you actually suggesting that the OP should have cut contact with her best friend's DH & 3 month old baby the day she passed away? What do you think her friend would want OP to do? If it was my best friend's family in this situation, I would definitely want to help wherever I could - and that probably would include pick ups and drop offs at nursery or school sometimes!

pinotmonster Mon 04-Nov-13 13:23:42

I was widowed 3 years ago with 3 kids. One thing I have learnt being widowed is that people view your life as public property and how they have the right to comment in a way they wouldn't in a divorce situation. I have had it all "well I but she has been lucky and got her mortgage paid" "at least it's not acrimonious like a divorce" and the list goes on.

I have learnt to ignore it as the most important thing to me is to try and be the best mum I can - very hard at times. However OP friends like you are a godsend - it's not being involved or fancying someone, it's being there and assisting them practically and emotionally when someone needs it the most.

I would smile sweetly at them and suggest they use their free time to go and volunteer for a bereavement charity rather than idly gossiping. Maybe then they may get a tiny insight into the awesome job he has done.

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Mon 04-Nov-13 13:31:46

well I but she has been lucky and got her mortgage paid" "at least it's not acrimonious like a divorce" and the list goes on.

confused angry

Minnieheehee Mon 04-Nov-13 13:37:34

Utter bitches the lot of them. Your friend must be so glad to know you're looking out for her chaps.
It maybe worth a quiet word with the nursery if it continues to get worse. Kids have an astonishing propensity to pick things up, and at the toddler stage it never ceases to amaze me how people say stuff in front of their kids (because they think because they're not talking 'yet' they somehow don't understand). There's a risk something will be said to the little one by another kid repeating what his or her vile mother is blabbering on to her coven.
I'm in education myself and speak from sad experience of these things happening.

LordPalmerston Mon 04-Nov-13 16:04:27

if i was the dad i would be PISSED OfFF some overinvolved woman is posting all of my identifiable personal details on the internet




Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 16:10:55

LordPalmerston - S is quite aware I've posted this, and has no problem with me doing so. If you're so offended by it, you know where that close button is. wink

YouTheCat Mon 04-Nov-13 16:13:36

My god there's been some unfair judging on this thread.

OP, you sound like a lovely friend.

LordPalmerston Mon 04-Nov-13 16:18:41

He needs to grow some , really

Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 16:23:53

Why? Because a friend is venting her frustration at a situation he is involved in? If you actually read the post, this isn't me 'speaking for him' or something like that - it was a personal rant at a situation.

But yes. Please come out from behind your keyboard and tell him that face to face. I'm sure he'd love to hear it. grin

YouTheCat Mon 04-Nov-13 16:25:12

How would you suggest he tackles these vile harridans then, Palmer? I'm sure you have some great nuggets of information. hmm

kickassangel Mon 04-Nov-13 16:46:52

what mrs de vere said.

can you raise it with a member of the management, or would S prefer not to?

There are school that send home letters reminding parents not to bitch/gossip/speculate either at school or on line, so maybe these parents could be given a similar instruction?

LordPalmerston Mon 04-Nov-13 16:51:43

i would have thought he would just rise above it tbh
who cares?

YouTheCat Mon 04-Nov-13 16:52:32

Well not you obviously. I don't know why you even bothered to post. confused

LordPalmerston Mon 04-Nov-13 16:57:02

a man i SO sad about what other women are saying?

fgs he needs to ignore

Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 17:01:34

Palmer, if you read previous posts, you'll see what I've said: he ignores the lot of them.

But on a point of your last post: because he's male, people commenting trashing his parenting and him aren't allowed to sting? hmm

CrapBag Mon 04-Nov-13 17:06:37

He really is doing the right thing by keeping a dignified silence.

These women are awful creatures and should be ashamed of theirselves.

If I knew someone in this situation they would have nothing but my utmost sympathy and respect for trying to do the right thing (wrt the counselling) and sort himself out.

Bitches, ignore them and glare. Refuse to ever be on friendly terms with people who think like this!

MrsDeVere Mon 04-Nov-13 17:11:39

Oh yeah
men shouldn't care what the silly women are saying.
Cos men is men and women is silly and stuff.

Nice input Palmerston

You should go through all threads and sort everybody out now.

Shouldn't take you long and you could really help a lot of people.
Go on, don't waste that talent, it would be a crime.

SugarHut Mon 04-Nov-13 17:27:51

Ummm, there is another you think one of these "bitches" could fancy him?? OP if this "He really could do with a good woman" stuff all seems to happen in front of you...a woman who is openly very good friends with him, do you think this could be an utterly arse-about-face way of them hinting that one of them is interested?

I know it sounds stupid...but they do sound quite playground mentality, so I'm just applying playground rules. Maybe they think by loudly announcing that he needs a woman in front of you is their "genius" way of putting themselves out there. Crazier things have happened you know.

Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 17:38:06

SugarHut - I have considered it. To give S his credit, he is a good looking guy, it wouldn't be completely out of the question. If it was the case though, I guess she's shot herself in the foot now! 'Genuises'! wink

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Mon 04-Nov-13 17:46:14

I know it sounds stupid...but they do sound quite playground mentality, so I'm just applying playground rules. Maybe they think by loudly announcing that he needs a woman in front of you is their "genius" way of putting themselves out there. Crazier things have happened you know.

TBF they do sound about only a step away form punching him in the arm and getting someone else to leave him a note that says "dear S do you fancy me? Check yes or no"

ILoveAFullFridge Mon 04-Nov-13 17:48:41

That's exactly what I was getting at.

Still doesn't excuse their bitchyness.

HauntedFlyingNaanBread Mon 04-Nov-13 18:42:29

I think you sound like a very good friend. It must be infuriating to have to listen to this shit.

Pinot - what a fucking horrible thing to say about your mortgage being paid off! angry

It never ceases to amaze me how nasty and vitriolic people can be - God forbid anything ever go wrong in their golden little lives. It's a long way down from the ivory tower...

mrssmith79 Mon 04-Nov-13 19:03:19

I don't know how you've maintained your composure thus far but well done for not snapping.
As said previously, i'd ignore it unless it got to a point where your friend was aware of the spitefulness and affected by it. Then you'd be perfectly justified to give them a big 'fuck you all - right up the arse with the brooms you rode in on'.

Good friends are hard to come by and you seem like a great example OP x

AgentZigzag Mon 04-Nov-13 19:14:42

'Well not you obviously. I don't know why you even bothered to post'

I thought the opposite YouTheCat, Palmer seems to care very much, so much I'm wondering whether they are either one of the posse or being defensive because they enjoy a bit of character assassination as a passtime themselves.

I tend to steer clear of topics I don't care about.

YouTheCat Mon 04-Nov-13 19:20:07

Well true. Most posters do.

I often read an OP, shrug my shoulders and then don't post because I have nothing of any value to add.

That's why I was asking for their pearls of wisdom.

pinkhalf Mon 04-Nov-13 19:39:22

Oh they reckon he needs one of them to take care of him...and they don't like you because you are in the way. Women like this make my teeth itch. Ignoring them probably makes it worse... he's mentally unstable because he hasn't cracked on to one of them yet.

There is no point having a go at people like this. What unsatisfactory lives they must lead.

gettingeasiernow Mon 04-Nov-13 20:16:56

Rise above and keep reinforcing the positive messages whenever you can. Over time, the baby will most likely thrive and be all the testament anyone needs to his dad's devotion to him.
I would only intervene in the event that the ds is hearing (and understanding) that he is, in their view, to be pitied because he doesn't have a mum. That would be damaging and in that case, they need to shut the fuck up.

Leljay Mon 04-Nov-13 22:42:24

Thank you ladies... I find it VERY difficult to be positive, or to put a positive spin, because I get so angry, it's easier to just not speak... Must give it a try, and practice my patience!

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