To rigidly refuse to speak to MIL?

(98 Posts)
3MenAndMe Sun 03-Nov-13 14:10:42

I love reading MIL related treads and it looks like its my turn(thought it will never happen grin...)So....
Couple of weeks ago was on Skype with her after long awaited call(we normally call each other everyday and shenis the only person I talk to as have very strained relationship with my parents, but that's another story).
1 minute into the call and admiring DGS her neighbour burst in, barely glances at us and completely ignoring me, bothering my MIL about some problems with inserting batteries (neighbour lives in opposite flat, same block for last 30 years....)...
No problem with this but my MIL says to me "Sorry, we will catch up later...bla, bla, bla" and leaves...
I'm still really hurt and not speaking to her since....Forgave her many things in the past, including chucking DH and me out when heavily pregnant with 20 mo from the flat we were previously happily sharing(I later found out that she wanted a bit of peace,leaving me and unemployed DH with no roof over our heads)....
Should I swallow my pride or stick to my guns...

coffeeinbed Sun 03-Nov-13 14:13:15

I can see there's history, but what this call is concerned you are overreacting.

IslaValargeone Sun 03-Nov-13 14:14:45

Seems rather a daft thing to fall out over given the other things you have mentioned.

trinity0097 Sun 03-Nov-13 14:14:56

In my opinion 'real life' comes before phone calls/Skype, e.g. If the doorbell went when I was on the phone I would apologise, hang up and deal with the door.

NachoAddict Sun 03-Nov-13 14:15:27

I think you are being unreasonable, I don't understand the problem.

Ingles2 Sun 03-Nov-13 14:15:47

Totally over reacting... What other choice did your mil have than to deal with the rude neighbour?
Can't believe you're not speaking to her over this quite frankly.

MammaTJ Sun 03-Nov-13 14:16:56

You forgave her for throwing you out, but don't feel you can overcome this?

Under-reaction on the first, over reaction on the second!

Moreisnnogedag Sun 03-Nov-13 14:16:57

Hang on. You normally speak to your mil everyday (so presume get one well), her neighbour came, she apologised and said she'd call you back.

And now you're not talking to her?? I think it might be you that needs to apologise...

MamaTJ has it in a nutshell. Is it leftover anger that you haven't dealt with?

SanityClause Sun 03-Nov-13 14:18:31

If you speak every day, what difference does it make if this one particular call was cut short?

I think you're over-reacting, based on this one incident.

ilikemysleep Sun 03-Nov-13 14:18:42

Why so hurt? She was kind of forced into that situation by the rather rude neighbour who barged in and didn't say 'oh sorry I see you are busy' but persisted in making demands of her.

I phoned my Mum the other day, her neighbour came round while we were talking, so she asked if she could just deal with him and call me back later. Which she did. This happens all the time, doesn't it? My partner is always calling his Mum when she is eating and she says 'I will phone back after supper', and she does. Other than the fact that you had vision b/c you were on skype, this was exactly the same scenario which it had never occurred to me to get upset about.

Did you expect her to leave her neighbour standing there for 10 mins while she carried on chatting to you? How peculiar. The other stuff she has done sounds far worse and if you forgave her for that, I would think she will be totally bewildered as to why you are not speaking to her for this triviality.

total overreaction

woodlandwanderwoman Sun 03-Nov-13 14:22:03

Life is too short, if you want to have a relationship with her then you'll have to get over these little things. I agree the bigger issue sounded pretty horrendous but if you have put that behind you, you can do the same now. Finding another outlet for your frustration will help, good luck x

BoundandRebound Sun 03-Nov-13 14:22:03

You're unreasonable

HaroldLloyd Sun 03-Nov-13 14:22:53

Massive overreaction.

You are maybe harbouring bad feeling regarding previous situations, as to not talk to her for this is totally ridiculous!

paxtecum Sun 03-Nov-13 14:23:58

OP: If you carry on not speaking to her it will be everyone's loss, including yours.

Your DCs will not have the joy of a Grandmother in their lives.
Your DH will have to choose sides.

Best wishes to you all.

3MenAndMe Sun 03-Nov-13 14:24:03

My problem is that she was more concerned about some bloody batteries rather than spending some time with her grandchild....
She puts her neighbour before us and I think it's rather rude...

chchchchchangesusername Sun 03-Nov-13 14:24:52

HaHAaHaHA oooh god I'm all embarrassed for you. Does she know you aren't talking to her? grin

3MenAndMe Sun 03-Nov-13 14:25:02

I may overreact but I will always put family first

WhoNickedMyName Sun 03-Nov-13 14:25:20

You're unreasonable.

And I'd love to hear your MIL's side of the story regarding having her unemployed son and his pregnant partner plus their 20 month old child living with her in her flat, and her getting to the point where she kicked them out.

I suspect it would be a very different version of events to yours.

HaroldLloyd Sun 03-Nov-13 14:26:56

Sometimes you have to cut a call short, if you speak to get every day I don't get the problem.

I really don't mean this nastily but I think you are being very dramatic about it which is why I wondered are you still upset over previous issues.

Follyfoot Sun 03-Nov-13 14:27:51

She was concerned about a neighbour who was at her house and needed a hand. She apologised and said she would catch up with you later. That all sounds fine to me. Not rude.

HaroldLloyd Sun 03-Nov-13 14:28:02

Everyone I know says at times oh I have to call you back the doors gone/some other thing.

Clawdy Sun 03-Nov-13 14:28:36

Why would anyone "love" reading anti-MIL threads? And now you are gleeful you can join them...get a life.

chchchchchangesusername Sun 03-Nov-13 14:29:35

What family do you put first? You don't get on with your family and you aren't talking to your MIL?

WorraLiberty Sun 03-Nov-13 14:29:44

You know what?

I think this is the biggest over reaction I've read in the almost 3 years I've been on Mumsnet...and believe me there have been some huge ones in the past.

'Rigidly refusing to speak' to her because she rushed off and said she'd catch up later?? confused

I hope this is a revers AIBU or something because reactions like that, are likely to see you having a very strained relationship with her too in the future.

Really, get over it.

HaroldLloyd Sun 03-Nov-13 14:30:33

Wow worra. That's saying something! grin

Rosencrantz Sun 03-Nov-13 14:31:32

You are being sooo unreasonable OP.

BettyBotter Sun 03-Nov-13 14:32:16

How extraordinary.

So pushy neighbour interrupted your call and MIL felt she had to apologise and call you back later, so you are cutting all family ties.


WorraLiberty Sun 03-Nov-13 14:32:52

Innit Harold! grin

And that includes all the threads that say a checkout assistant 'scowled' at someone grin

Abra1d Sun 03-Nov-13 14:33:26

You speak to her every other day and you're bothered because a call was interrupted?

BOF Sun 03-Nov-13 14:35:59

You sound, um, high maintenance.

Salmotrutta Sun 03-Nov-13 14:36:34


It was a phone call. Not a G8 summit video conference.

I too would love to hear her version of the moving-out-of-her-flat scenario...

3MenAndMe Sun 03-Nov-13 14:39:34

Failed miserably again hoping for some support from MN,
It's lottery I suppose, when you feel down there will be somebody who will kick u in the face...

WorraLiberty Sun 03-Nov-13 14:39:41

Salmo grin

MotheringShites Sun 03-Nov-13 14:39:41


TheFallenMadonna Sun 03-Nov-13 14:40:15

You call every day, but this call was long awaited? Or the skyping was long awaited? confused

Salmotrutta Sun 03-Nov-13 14:41:15

Nobody "kicked you in the face"

People just couldn't quite grasp that you would cut family ties over a phone call that was cut short.


WorraLiberty Sun 03-Nov-13 14:41:18

OP you asked if your were BU and got quite a resounding yes.

How is that not supportive?

Would you prefer we lied and let you think you were in the right here?

How would that help you or your MIL?

Littleredsquirrel Sun 03-Nov-13 14:42:48

Sorry but you're being needy and completely unreasonable.

BOF Sun 03-Nov-13 14:42:54

She is the only person you talk to? Have you wondered why that might be?

cjel Sun 03-Nov-13 14:43:31

Friends and I do this all the time, if we are chatting and other phone rings, someone at door, need a wee[embarrassed] we say can I give you a ring back, sometimes we get time to sometimes we don't - its life!

You clearly are high maintenance, you don't put family first (yours?) did she really chuck you out on the street or say she couldn't cope with sharing a flat - (which you thought was working ok) does she want to be skyped EVERY day?

BettyBotter Sun 03-Nov-13 14:43:37

Really honestly 3Men. If your friend told you what you'd told us would you not think she was overreacting?

People never get 100% sympathy or support on MN so you'd be a fool to expect that, but when you get as near as 100% response that YABVU that's usually a pretty good sign that it's worth rethinking your opinion.

LoopaDaLoopa Sun 03-Nov-13 14:43:51


What did she do wrong?

kali110 Sun 03-Nov-13 14:43:57

It was a fucking phone call! Nothing to do with putting family first.
You are not getting any support because its ridiculous.

Slainte Sun 03-Nov-13 14:44:07

YABVU. The end.

Salmotrutta Sun 03-Nov-13 14:44:09

When you and your DH were sharing your MIL flat - how many bedrooms did she have?

Were you contributing financially and with household chores?

HaroldLloyd Sun 03-Nov-13 14:44:38

You asked us if you should carry on ignoring her or make peace!

It's not supportive to let someone carry on with a silly feud.

Make your peace.

Salmotrutta Sun 03-Nov-13 14:46:26

Actually, if she is the only person you talk to I can understand why she might have wanted peace in her own flat - maybe she felt overwhelmed.

Did you literally have nowhere else to go when this happened?

NynaevesSister Sun 03-Nov-13 14:46:35

Why post in AIBU if you are not prepared to hear you are being unreasonable?

Does it not tell you something that the vast majority say you are being U, and your response is that we are only doing this to kick you because you are already down?

No it is because you were U in this instance.

paxtecum Sun 03-Nov-13 14:48:52

OP:No one has kicked you in the face.

You are getting support and advice from MNers.

Does your DH know what happened?
What does he think?

Have you got other problems in your life?

IslaValargeone Sun 03-Nov-13 14:50:39

Oh my goodness, nobody has kicked you in the face.
Honestly, you sound like you have ishoos, her neighbour 'barely glancing' at you. 'Complete;y ignoring me'
You are coming across as very high maintenance.

lunar1 Sun 03-Nov-13 14:51:01

I think you need to step back from this, do you fall out with people very easily? What does your husband think?

I think you need to pick your battles, she didn't do anything wrong here.

Strokethefurrywall Sun 03-Nov-13 14:51:50

Hahahah worra I was just about to write exactly the same post as you.

In all the years I've been on mumsnet, this has to be the most pointless overreaction to a non-event I've ever read in my life!

OP, just in case you didn't realise, you're being ridiculously unreasonable.

hoppingmad Sun 03-Nov-13 14:52:46

Yabu I'm afraid. My dm and I do this all the time

"I'm watching a programme, I'll call you back"
"I'm having my tea"
"I need a pee"!

You get the idea. It really is perfectly normal tbh

It's a lot of pressure to be the only person someone speaks to. She needs to be available to you whenever you need her as you don't have the option of saying 'mil is busy I'll call so & so instead'. I'm not saying that's necessarily your fault but it most certainly isn't hers

OrangeJuiceSandwich Sun 03-Nov-13 14:53:05

So so funny. Are real people actually like this?!

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Sun 03-Nov-13 14:53:07


usualsuspect Sun 03-Nov-13 14:53:25

Did you just want to join in with MIL bashing on MN?

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Sun 03-Nov-13 14:53:33

If you dont want to talk to someone however it isnt your job, let dh skype her

ZombieMojaveWonderer Sun 03-Nov-13 14:53:59

This is ridiculous! You don't fall out over her chucking you and yours out but you won't speak to her because she had to end a skype conversation early??? It's complete madness and you are being completely unreasonable.

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Sun 03-Nov-13 14:55:11


Well as the OP has had everyone this thread call her unreasonable, I'd say there is no "mother in law bashing" just people getting irritated when MIL are actually being unreasonable.

Salmotrutta Sun 03-Nov-13 14:56:16

I'd still like to know more details about this throwing out of the flat business.

I'll bet there's the OP's version, the MIL version and the true version (which will be somewhere in the middle).

usualsuspect Sun 03-Nov-13 14:56:43

Nah, MN is full of MIL bashing

Sounds like OP wanted to join in.

Salmotrutta Sun 03-Nov-13 14:57:45

APartridge - did you not pick up on the OPs enjoyment of a good MIL thread?

As stated in her original post?

littlecloud Sun 03-Nov-13 14:58:36

massive overreaction! YABU! She didn't do anything wrong and you talk to her all the time... not like it was a once a year long awaited catch up. Get over it and move on.

AnyBigFuckingJessie Sun 03-Nov-13 15:00:12

I'm sorry OP, but we're going to need a lot of drip-feeding here. I think you are unreasonable, but is there something else going on in your life?

BOF Sun 03-Nov-13 15:02:03

I'm imaging the scene with the OP's own parents:

"Sorry love, can I ring you back? I need a poo."

"You are dead to me."

Figgygal Sun 03-Nov-13 15:02:09

Wow.......totally and utterly over the top

WorraLiberty Sun 03-Nov-13 15:04:29

BOF!!! grin grin

Salmotrutta Sun 03-Nov-13 15:07:10

grin@ "you are dead to me"

IslaValargeone Sun 03-Nov-13 15:08:29


NynaevesSister Sun 03-Nov-13 15:13:23

Yeah I don't think OP is coming back. Not someone who likes being disagreed with.

cjel Sun 03-Nov-13 15:36:28

BOF I had the alternative with one of my dcs at uni. We'd be chatting away on the phone(thankfully no skype in those days) and they said better go now mum have to wipe my bum!! They had been doing the poo while we chatted yuk

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Nov-13 15:46:22

Imagine doing this at work.

You're in a meeting with your boss and another manager runs into the room and asks him/her to help with an urgent task.

Your boss says to you, "Sorry, we'll catch up later" and leaves the room.

When he/she comes back your lanyard, notice and spare biro are on his desk.

coffeeinbed Sun 03-Nov-13 15:48:37

Ah, I see what happened.
The neighbour came in jest when the MIL was admiring the DGS and didn't join in.
So OP got pissed off at the lack of appreciation for the DC.
Still YABU.

digerd Sun 03-Nov-13 16:18:51

Your MIL has had to live close to this PITA neighbour for 30 years, I know as have one next door. Everybody puts her first and panders to her to get her off their backs and keep her sweet. I think this is how it is for your MIL.
The neighbour had barged in and was demanding help from your MIL in her flat, of course she had to deal with her there and then.

If I had been you I would have liked MIL to have spoken to her neighbour with a sharp tone of voice that she was skyping with her DIL and GC and she would have to wait for her help.

The neighbour probably said it was very urgent and couldn't wait.
Don't let it upset you.

gobbynorthernbird Sun 03-Nov-13 16:25:24

Wow. Just wow.
I'd better call my mum back immediately as she phoned earlier when I was peeling spuds. Don't want to be disinherited.

Mia4 Sun 03-Nov-13 16:36:47

OP I think you are being unreasonable about this incident but it looks like perhaps to you this is the straw that broke the camels back? People will probably still say YABU about this issue but they may be able to give you sympathy and advice about the other issues with your MIL that lead you to feel so hurt by her- it sounds like there's a lot of backstory.

Bearbehind Sun 03-Nov-13 16:39:48

OMG, do you really think that your MIL apologising that she had to end a Skype call to deal with someone who was actually in the room, is even close to being on a par with some of the truly terrible MIL threads you have read?

On the face if it, if you over react to such an extent about something so trivial, and then think the world is against you if they tell you that you are BU, you might want to look a bit closer into why your reationship with your own parents, or anyone else for that matter, is so strained.

tracypenisbeaker Sun 03-Nov-13 16:44:24

Some big meanies on this thread!


HotDogSlaughter Sun 03-Nov-13 16:44:56

Good God you are a nightmare.

cjel Sun 03-Nov-13 16:45:15

DIGERD > Are you serious?

phantomnamechanger Sun 03-Nov-13 16:48:39

probably the neighbour did not even know what Skype is and that you could see/hear her. FWIW I'm with everyone else, this is a total non event and a massive over reaction.

It is normal and polite to put real life first, eg it is rude to take a non-urgent mobile phone call when you are supposed to be spending time with someone else.

This was a couple of weeks ago and you have not spoken since. Who usually initiates your regular contact? Have you fobbed her off or not answered the phone etc? Or has she not bothered trying to contact you? Maybe MIL is enjoying the break!

DameEdnasBridesmaid Sun 03-Nov-13 16:51:47

MIL is probably starting her own thread about how she has to walk on eggshells with DIL in case she takes offence.

Seriously OP you should get over yourself.

phantomnamechanger Sun 03-Nov-13 16:55:21

Oh god, this is not a reverse thread is it? neighbour came to OPs and MIL is the huffy one?

silverten Sun 03-Nov-13 17:05:34

Sorry but I also think cutting all contact for this is rather over the top.

It was a bit rude of neighbour and MIL but doesn't justify refusing to speak ever again.

I would have found it irritating, though, had it been me. This sort of situation is why my DH doesn't phone his mum much, and why we refuse to get set up with Skype, much to her (vocally expressed) disgust. It is incredibly hard work to have a sensible conversation with her on the phone as she only gives about forty percent of her attention to it, but gets really huffy if she thinks we aren't hanging on her every word. We generally use text or email instead which keeps things more focused.

mitchsta Sun 03-Nov-13 17:41:24

Massive overreaction. Someone else said you sound like you're high maintenance and I'm inclined to agree.

xCupidStuntx Sun 03-Nov-13 17:47:32


ferretyfeet Sun 03-Nov-13 18:24:24

what on earth do you find to talk about every day

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed Sun 03-Nov-13 18:39:38

Looks like the OP is now rigidly refusing to talk to MN too. I bet she's added you all to a list.

People I Am Rigidly Refusing to Speak To:

- Parents
- MIL's Neighbour
- Woman who looked at me funny in the supermarket
- The whole of Mumsnet

DameEdnasBridesmaid Sun 03-Nov-13 18:45:02

Saskia grin grin

littlecloud Sun 03-Nov-13 18:49:01

That's what I was thinking ferret my MIL lives 10 minutes away and we really get on well but only talk maybe once or twice a week and not at any time in great length. I'll happily pop over and spend a few hours with her but not every week.

LovesBeingHereAgain Sun 03-Nov-13 18:54:26

Oh op it must hurt to be rejected by someone whom you are so heavily invested in. I think you need to get out and meet people rather than staying in for mil to call

phantomnamechanger Sun 03-Nov-13 18:55:44

I wonder if the poor MIL is on gransnet worrying about why she is in the doghouse!

phantomnamechanger Sun 03-Nov-13 18:56:51

Actually, I have just realised this reminds me of playground tiffs - "you can't play with me anymore because you spoke to X and I don't like her!"

YouTheCat Sun 03-Nov-13 19:01:31

It is a silly non-event to fall out over.

Why is your relationship with your own parents strained?

gobbynorthernbird Sun 03-Nov-13 19:02:28

Saskia lololol

Famzilla Sun 03-Nov-13 19:18:02

Haha. Wtf.

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