To be raging that friends blabbed my pregnancy news?

(72 Posts)
Inglori0us Sun 03-Nov-13 07:36:23

I told one friend I was pregnant when I was 9 weeks. She's not a particularly close friend but she was at the end of her second pregnancy at the time and I was visiting her for lunch/play date with our dds and I wanted to tell someone.
I asked her not to tell anyone.
It now seems she told her bil & sil (also friends of mine) who then told other mutual friends.
I am RAGING. How dare they tell people this, especially as I've not personally told them, or put it on fb or anything?
This is the same couple who hijacked my 30th birthday party to announce their engagement btw.
I'm livid.

JumpingJackSprat Sun 03-Nov-13 07:38:32

Yanbu but you have learnt a valuable lesson. .. if you want to keep something a secret don't tell anyone! !

Inglori0us Sun 03-Nov-13 07:46:35

It's not a secret as such any more, as I have a proper bump, I just think it's incredibly rude as I wanted to tell people myself.

Tigresswoods Sun 03-Nov-13 07:50:22

That is crap but in my experience if you tell anyone a secret they will tell at least one person.

Keep that in your mind before you tell anyone anything.

Sorry you had your thunder stolen.

meditrina Sun 03-Nov-13 07:50:32

Telling an important secret to someone who isn't particularly close (and following in from that, whose ability or willingness to keep a secret is uncertain) is always a risk.

If you wanted it secret, you should have kept the secret yourself.

Roshbegosh Sun 03-Nov-13 07:51:37

As soon as you tell one person it isn't a secret. You were not sensible to trust her with that information, especially at only 9 weeks

It is rude, and I was cross when MIL told distant family despite us having told her not to, but honestly, it's not worth the energy. Put it down to experience.

iamadoozermum Sun 03-Nov-13 07:52:02

I feel your rage. My boss did this to me when I had specifically asked him not to tell anyone. Learnt never to trust him with anything! Some people just want to be important I guess and it sounds like this person is one of them. Congrats on your pregnancy smile

ILoveAFullFridge Sun 03-Nov-13 07:52:24

YANBU to be upset, but YWBU to tell her.

You should have come here and talked about it on MN, if you wanted to open up without divulging the secret.

Banono Sun 03-Nov-13 07:53:03

You shouldn't have told her!
She hijacked your party previously and you still tell her something important.
You really should learn to distance yourself.

Fool me once shame on you.....

Inglori0us Sun 03-Nov-13 07:58:40

It was the secondary people that I'm more annoyed at tbh. I understand the first friend telling someone, that's what people do. It's the people she told then spreading the news that's annoyed me more (they were the engagement party people too).

luxemburgerli Sun 03-Nov-13 08:02:21

Very annoying for you OP. We have recently announced a pregnancy and people telling each other was something that made it very difficult. For example, I have grandparents and several aunties/uncles who all live very close together, and I knew I could only tell maybe one or two of them myself and by that time they'd all have rung each other up and spread the news. Can feel a rant coming on, so I'll stop there!!

Obviously you won't be telling these people (or anyone I guess!) secrets in the future. But not a nice way to learn.

Is there any chance this could leak to your boss/work, and would it matter if it did? Just thought I'd ask in terms of damage control.

ZenNudist Sun 03-Nov-13 08:03:47

The second people are completely blameless, they heard info secondhand and its fair play to pass it on.

Your friend was off to report it in re first place, not only did you tell her to tell no one but she should understand people like to tell their own pregnancy news.

Still yabu to fume. You can't expect random friends you don't love and trust to keep secrets for you.

Inglori0us Sun 03-Nov-13 08:08:00

No damage limitation required, thankfully. I'm freelance so not a problem for work. 16 weeks now and telling people as I see them.
I will be taking this up with these people though.

ZombieMojaveWonderer Sun 03-Nov-13 08:13:49

You couldn't even keep the secret yourself but expect everyone else to! YABVU. Jeez get over it!

luxemburgerli Sun 03-Nov-13 08:15:21

I feel for you OP. I have always known that there were things that you obviously don't pass on, whether or not you've been specifically told not to.

But when I met the family of my ex boyfriend I came to realise that not everyone holds these views. They discussed my income, urine infections and god knows what else with half the city. A horrible feeling when you're a private person. Made me even more private, I never tell anyone anything now.

NellysKnickers Sun 03-Nov-13 08:17:40

It's good happy news, people want to spread it. If you don't want anyone to know then don't tell a soul until you do. Congratulations by the way.

meditrina Sun 03-Nov-13 08:18:42

Taking what up?

You told one person, which later proved an unwise choice.

She told one couple, which later proved an unwise choice.

They haven't done anything that you didn't do first.

And of course it stopped being a secret as soon as you let it out.

LittlePeaPod Sun 03-Nov-13 08:20:08

Let me get this straight. You told someone you are not that close to about the pregnancy. The same person that high jacked your birthday party.

This is a bit "rod for your own back". YABU to be angry for telling some you aren't really close too. You should have told someone you truly trust.

Sorry op but you need to take some responsibility here.

LittlePeaPod Sun 03-Nov-13 08:23:22

Not sure what you have to "take up". You started the domino effect. confused

Fraggle3112 Sun 03-Nov-13 08:24:13

YANBU DH's 'best' friend done this to us and I was livid! It is your special news to share, not theirs! Tbh if they hijacked your 30th as well as this they don't sound like nice people, I would be inclined to agree with Banano and say distance yourself from them!

Willabywallaby Sun 03-Nov-13 08:24:23

That happened to me. My DH came home from squash and had been congratulated on the news by his squash friend who I hadn't even met. I did text blabbing friend to ask her not to tell anyone else, I was about 8 weeks. She did feel guilty I heard via another girl friend.

I didn't tell any friends until after 12 week scan 2nd time round...

Just because it's your secret and you tell people to keep it I agree once you tell one it's no longer your secret. Try to let the rage disperse.

diddl Sun 03-Nov-13 08:24:32

How can you take it up with the couple?

The first "friend" is the blabber!

flowery Sun 03-Nov-13 08:30:11

I don't understand why you are so "livid" and planning on "taking" it up with the couple and not with your friend who blabbed in the first place. It was already not a secret by the time they were told. confused

livingzuid Sun 03-Nov-13 08:37:08

I get where you are coming from totally. Pregnancy is such a huge and potentially scary thing and early on it's really comforting to confide in someone particularly if they have been through it already. I did the same with a couple of colleagues even though I'm not past 12 weeks yet-I have to talk to someone! I wouldn't have necessarily picked these two but I just needed to talk at that particular time. They didn't blab fortunately for me so far! And I would be completely livid if they did.

I don't understand why people think it's fair game once you've told them. You asked her to kep it a secret and she did not. That's downright disrespectful. And sadly some people have nothing better to do than to gossip about others. I mean what if the unthinkable happened? It's just too rude and thoughtless for words!

Sorry you are having to go through this.

SarahAndFuck Sun 03-Nov-13 09:00:34

"Let me get this straight. You told someone you are not that close to about the pregnancy. The same person that high jacked your birthday party."

You have that wrong, it wasn't the same person that highjacked the OP's birthday party that the OP told.

The OP told her friend, the friend then told the birthday high jackers.

OP you made an unwise choice in who you spoke to but at least it was your news to tell, the others were just spreading gossip. At least you know now that you can't trust any of them to be discreet in the future and so won't tell them anything else.

You shouldnt have told anyone if you were looking to keep it quiet for longer.

As for 'taking it up' , what on earth for?

Now you're sounding very precious.

Enjoy your pregnancy and keep important details to yourself if you don't want them blabbed.

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sun 03-Nov-13 09:10:02

So this all happened 7 weeks ago and you are still stomping around about it? It really is time to get over it. You told someone who can't keep a secret - you'll know better next time wont you.

Bowlersarm Sun 03-Nov-13 09:15:16

YABU, I think.

I don't think you should be telling anyone anything that you aren't prepared to be passed on. Very few people are discreet, most people like to be in a position to pass on news.

(Except me of course. If I'm told not to tell anyone I don't, but without that instruction I would.)

soupmaker Sun 03-Nov-13 09:21:03

Yes, YABVU.

I understand you feel pissed off, but you've only yourself to blame I'm afraid.

We didn't tell anyone until we wanted the whole world to know. This is the only way to keep a pregnancy secret.

Put it down to experience and just concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy. Congratulations and good luck.

catsrus Sun 03-Nov-13 09:23:55

Yabu

Not everyone thinks like you - when I was pregnant and told people I totally expected the news to be passed around quickly as everyone knew I'd been trying for years - of course friends would share the good news, i think its odd not to. I think the first person you told is the only one you legitimately be annoyed with as you asked her not to say anything.

JumpingJackSprat Sun 03-Nov-13 09:28:16

Changed my mind , yabu. Your pregnancy isn't as important to anyone else as you so they probably won't care that you're being so precious about it. Get over it and concentrate on your pregnancy. Next time don't tell anyone.

Inglori0us Sun 03-Nov-13 09:33:57

So, a mixed response.
The people who think IABU are inferring you can't trust anyone to keep news to themselves (even when expressly told to do so) and that by telling one person you must expect it to be in public domain. I disagree with this. I feel my trust was betrayed and that these people were inconsiderate and thoughtless. I expect more from people. I would show more consideration if it were me.

AuntieStella Sun 03-Nov-13 09:36:25

"So, a mixed response.
The people who think IABU are inferring you can't trust anyone to keep news to themselves (even when expressly told to do so) and that by telling one person you must expect it to be in public domain."

The first person who couldn't keep the news to themselves was you.

Pinupgirl Sun 03-Nov-13 09:38:06

Yabu and ridiculous to boot. If you don't want to anyone to find out your secret?-don't tell them the secret! Simples. To be very honest no one else probably cares less you are pregnant so stop being so precious.

Why on earth would you "take it up" with the other couple?-it was your friend that blabbed or are you just conveniently ignoring that? I find it hilarious that you are still fuming because they dared to announce their happy news at your party btw.

JumpingJackSprat Sun 03-Nov-13 09:39:11

If they had overheard something not meant for them and blabbed then fair enough be pissed off. You deliberately told the person. It's your own fault.

Yes you might be able to keep a confidence but you aren't in control of other people and their thought process.

(even when expressly told to do so) hmm, it doesn't always work like that, does it?

Bowlersarm Sun 03-Nov-13 09:42:13

The first person who couldn't keep the news to themselves was you.

Exactly that.

OP, seriously, if you don't want something passed on then don't tell it in the first place.

Personally I think it's a bit mean to give someone the responsibility of keeping something a secret, especially a pregnancy which is only a half secret because it won't be a secret anyway for much longer.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 03-Nov-13 09:42:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 03-Nov-13 09:47:03

I am always the last to know about pregnancy. I can't keep news like that to myself.

Friends know that about me so I understand why.

AlexaChelsea Sun 03-Nov-13 09:50:19

This is nonsense!

If you tell someone, and explicitly ask them not to share the information, they shouldn't share it.

If be more angry with friend 1, who you told to keep the information to herself.

She might not have passed this onto hijack couple, so without knowing you shouldn't be blaming them.

I told a few people, out of necessity, in the early stages. I asked them not to tell anyone. They didn't, because they are nice, trustworthy people.

soupmaker Sun 03-Nov-13 09:52:08

But even you couldn't keep it a secret OP. By your own admission you told someone you aren't even that close to because you had to tell someone. That's why we think YABU.

MatryoshkaDoll Sun 03-Nov-13 09:55:53

I told my lovely dad when I first found out I was pregnant, on pain of death that he wasn't to tell anyone else.

Two days later I got calls from my aunt and both grandmothers to congratulate me hmm. Thanks dad!

bigbrick Sun 03-Nov-13 09:57:25

yanbu - a lesson learnt never to tell them anything again

The second couple wasn't under any obligation to not spread this, your friend was.

However you don't know why and what was said. Many on here do to count close family, or partners as those that count when keeping secrets.

I think what makes it more ridiculous is, that she isn't a close friend and this news would be public within weeks, barring a miscarriage.

So not really a secret that is damaging (as some secrets are), or that would remain private.

If they were, say planning a Christmas drunken night out, then not keeping your secret and trying to make up a reason why you wouldn't be interested, would be impossible (just as an example why the news would of been spread).

flowery Sun 03-Nov-13 10:01:02

"These people"

There you go again. You only told one person, and it was her who blabbed. Why so determined to be angry at the other couple who just told people something that was not a secret?

LittlePeaPod Sun 03-Nov-13 10:02:57

Op I wasn't inferring no one can keep a secret when asked to do so. I was saying its your own fault that you shared something you wanted kept secret with a person you are not that close to. If you aren't that close then they are less likely to be that loyal to you. If you needed to share then you should have shared with someone that you are close to and know you can trust.

This happened 7 weeks ago. Why didn't you deal with it at the time if it bothered you that much? I agree with those saying you are been a bit precious.

Inglori0us Sun 03-Nov-13 10:14:02

Again with the "well you couldn't keep the secret so can't expect anyone else to". It was my secret to share, not theirs. I was freaking out a bit and needed to talk to someone. This news was of vital importance to me, not just gossip fodder. I'm disappointed that adults can't keep their big flappy mouths shut when it comes to the really important stuff.
But as so many people have such low expectations of others, I accept that I'm being unreasonable to expect more.
Thanks for taking the time to respond.

flowery Sun 03-Nov-13 10:15:48

OP are you going to answer the point about why so angry at the couple rather than your friend? It wasn't a secret by the time they knew and told people, but presumably you told your friend and specifically asked her not to say anything? She is in the wrong, not them.

Mattissy Sun 03-Nov-13 10:18:45

That's really crap of her, it's not her news to tell, simple!

Some people just don't realise what numpties they are, "look at me, I've got some news!"

Don't tell anyone something you don't want to get out unless you trust them.

candycoatedwaterdrops Sun 03-Nov-13 10:20:16

YABU for still flapping about this 7 weeks later. Does it really matter?!

flowery Sun 03-Nov-13 10:20:49

I actually agree with the OP that it should be reasonable to expect someone to keep something a secret if you specifically ask them to do so (although I wouldn't include non close friends/family in that expectation), but OP you are overreacting and also "raging" at the wrong people.

By your own admission, she wasn't a close friend, perhaps she didnt feel loyal enough to keep it quiet for you.

It's her who is at fault.

LittlePeaPod Sun 03-Nov-13 10:28:53

Op if the news was of vital importance to you, why on earth were you sharing it with someone you are not that close to? If I need to share something of vital importance to me, I share it with people I am very close to and I know I can trust. And if it bothered you that much, why did you not deal with this 7 weeks ago?

Why are you getting all emotional and angry with people on the thread because they don't agree and are not reaffirming your opinion. Did you expect everyone to say "ohh poor you OP, how awful"? confused. Seriously, do you normally over react like this?

MoldieOldNaiceHam Sun 03-Nov-13 10:31:44

I think your obvious dislike of this couple is clouding your judgement.

You are focusing your anger on the wrong people. Your friend should not have blabbed. She did. Unfortunately it was to people you have a massive problem with already. You have made it into a big thing.

Let it go now.

luxemburgerli Sun 03-Nov-13 10:32:04

Everyone saying that you keep it to yourself or expect it to spread - what happens if you NEED to tell some people? I had to tell a couple of people at work far earlier than I'd have liked due to complications. Should I have had to share a possibly very risky pregnancy with the entire world, because I couldn't possibly expect them to keep a secret?

I'm glad my colleagues turned out to have more integrity than most people expect!

Mia4 Sun 03-Nov-13 10:32:58

YANBU to feel annoyed by the friend OP, she broke your confidence but YWBVU to be annoyed at the couple-it may not be their news to share but since friend knew and told them they likely thought it was common knowledge so it was free-for-all.

You need to look back in hindsight though OP if this is still bothering you; you may have needed to tell someone but instead of telling a close trusted friend you chose a friend who isn't that close and who wouldn't care much about trust. You need to let this go and learn from it. Don't tell said friend any more trusted news and if she asks (which I presume she won't since you aren't close friends) why you aren't telling her anything any more then just be honest and say you don't trust her.

Having it out with anyone will make you look unreasonable, especially with the couple.

Mia4 Sun 03-Nov-13 10:35:49

luxemburgerli OP should have told someone trusted, this friend wasn't close and wasn't trusted or at least didn't see herself as needing to keep the trust.

With your boss and certain colleagues (like yours) they may be gossips and want to blab - some even do!- but since pregnancy disclosure is a confidential thing they're more likely held back by the worry someone will to to HR in anger then anything else.

luxemburgerli Sun 03-Nov-13 10:38:01

Well I guess I never realised people found it so hard to just keep their mouths shut. Very surprised at the responses, but you live and learn!

Coconutty Sun 03-Nov-13 10:39:38

YABU to expect people to keep it quiet if you haven't asked them to i.e the BIL/SIL.

Mia4 Sun 03-Nov-13 10:42:01

luxemburgerli It's the effect, OP told one person and asked her not to tell anyone else then friend told other friends and asked them not to tell anyone else. The friends told friend and so on.

Surely you must know some people that you just don't tell certain things? I have close friends I implicitly trust not to blab secretes but other friends are well known gossips and anyone telling them anything in confidence would get a 'what do you expect, your fault' from someone if they moaned about a confidence being broken.

massagegirl Sun 03-Nov-13 10:43:32

YANBU you told someone a secret. It's not hard to keep a secret. I've been told about baby pregnancies in secret and not blabbed. No wonder you are angry. At least you know this friend can't be trusted. Some people on here like to have a go at anything. YANBU to be upset that someone couldn't keep their gob shut! Good luck with your pregnancy and focus on that

luxemburgerli Sun 03-Nov-13 10:53:37

Yes, there are certain people I would tell nothing to Mia, but they are a very small minority. Whereas people on this thread seem to be suggesting that it is very unreasonable to expect anyone to keep quiet pregnancy news, and so you should tell no one.

Choosing who you tell wisely as you're suggesting would seem a more sensible approach.

Mia4 Sun 03-Nov-13 11:06:04

Some people seem to be suggesting that luxemburgerli , but I think the majority are just of the mind the OP chose the wrong person to tell and is directing her anger at the wrong people about it.

I do agree there are people you can trust, but choosing wisely has to be done.

Beccagain Sun 03-Nov-13 11:06:25

This very subject was covered in some detail a few weeks ago.

Here it is

That is NOT to say that it shouldn't be done again, but you might find some additional takes on it.

In the earlier thread it was the MiL who spilled the beans, so I guess the OP there might have had a more reasonable expectation that she keep it quiet. On your own say so, this friend was not particularly close so I guess she had not very much invested in it and may well have forgotten that you asked her to keep it zipped.

I am pretty much alongside those who say if you want to keep it a secret, keep it a secret!

Congratulations btw flowers

PS I have read this thread but somewhat rapidly. If someone has already brought up the previous thread I apologise!

livingzuid Sun 03-Nov-13 11:20:00

Oh my god what is with the attack on the op? She told someone something in confidence, particularly of some sensitivity, with pregnant hormones raging and all rest of it and other reasons we may not know about and she should have expected people to behave with integrity and kept it quiet.

Instead we should all be expected for it to be fair game because she told ONE person in confidence and people can start telling her news to who they want and that's OK because that's just the way it is?? I guess that most of the respondents would merrily gossip about someone's pregnancy without having spoken to said pregnant lady first so that behaviour is therefore acceptable.

No. People should keep their traps shut. OP is not unreasonable at all for being so upset. I told two colleagues at work so they knew I wasn't slacking. I have no intention of telling my employer until I am ready. Or anyone else.

paxtecum Sun 03-Nov-13 11:31:33

YABVU.

Maybe your not so close friend forgot she was supposed to keep it a secret.

Were you planning to ring her at some time and let her know it was no longer a secret and she could mention it to others.

YABVU to tell a not close friend yours news and then ask her to keep it a secret.

Concentrate on the joy of being pregnant rather than RAGING about something that is so minor in the big scheme of life.

Best wishes to you.

Mia4 Sun 03-Nov-13 11:41:07

poster livingzuid, did you read the whole thread? Ddd you see the OP commenting that she's not annoyed with the friend who broke the confidence but instead with others who broke that friend's confidence?

OP isn't unreasonable for being upset but she's unreasonable to be so upset and raging at everyone other then the person she originally told who told other people. She wants to have it out with those people and not the friend who started it it- that is unreasonable.

And no, it shouldn't be considered fair game I would be upset too in OPs position, but with the right person-not everyone else. I'd also consider just who I'm telling before teling because some people really can't keep stum and should be avoided.

Willabywallaby Sun 03-Nov-13 17:15:03

I am slowly learning in life that you can't expect others to do as you would, it leads to disappointment.

Retroformica Sun 03-Nov-13 17:27:33

Make sure she is the last one to know next time. Say 20 weeks or so.

I agree she should if kept your confidence. That's what close and true friends do. She is obviously completely untrustworthy and the sort of person who likes everything to be about them.

I'd pop something into the conversation next time you see them. After the usual catch up id mention that you were really upset that she broke your confidence after you clearly had told her to keep quiet about things. Id also say that it's water under the bridge bit you have learnt a lesson about not trusting her.

Retroformica Sun 03-Nov-13 17:30:00

I yjk you can only be cross with the person who initially broke your confidence and not the people she told.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 03-Nov-13 19:38:31

The only person you should be angry with is yourself. She wasn't a close friend, so you didn't really know how trustworthy a friend she would be and yet you still told her? Yabu

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