To not let My mother back into our lives again [MNHQ: Trigger warning; physical abuse](146 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
I haven't spoken to my mother for a few years due to her toxic ways and abuse, Long history. A few weeks ago I bumped into her unexpectedly and it was awkward to say the least.
Last few nights I have been having flashbacks to my childhood and last night I broke down in my bathroom in tears, unable to catch my breath and slunk to the floor in a heap. A memory of me being a six year child playing with my colouring pens on my own happily sprang into my mind. Because my other siblings wanted the pens and I wouldn't give them up my mother beat me with a belt causing cuts and welts on my legs and back. I was so scared that I ran from the house and 4 miles down the road for help with no shoes on. The police brought me back and when they left she beat me more, after I couldn't sit down on the toilet as it hurt, she made my siblings laugh at me and kick me.
I have closed this memory off, buried it in my mind for years as I am nearly knocking on the door of being forty soon. But it has crushed me, hurt me, made me feel like a selfish little bitch again. That's what she had called me for not sharing. I'm upset even writing this down now as I would never lay a finger on my own dc who means the world to me.
Do I really want this women back in my life again dredging up bad memories? sorry to bleat on, I'm just not feeling good at the moment and weak.
No. And you were not selfish. Do not let her into your life again.
Massive hugs sweetie.
She has made you feel this way after one meeting, you are absolutely right not to let her in your life again.
You were NOT selfish and you DID NOT deserve what happened to you at all.
Have you had any sort of counselling at all? It might be good to talk to someone impartial about your childhood.
This is awful op. She doesn't deserve to have you in her life. Look at your reaction by merely bumping into her and how it effected you. You don't want anymore of that. Just keep moving forward, you have your beautiful dc , you do not need her. Hugs.
No, you don't. You do not need or want her in your life. How awful OP.
Oh love YANBU and you are most definitely not selfish -it sounds as though you went through a terrible time
Your mother sounds awful and doesn't deserve to be in your life or your dc.
I'm not suprised you're feeling so low - do you have a partner for support? Or a close friend perhaps?
I hope you have someone. Take care and be kind to yourself xx
Did the police not realise you were hurt?
Of course you don't want her back in your life! Who would, after being abused like that?
Small children often don't like sharing. As a mum you know that's normal. And nothing, absolutely nothing, a six year old could do could ever merit such a violent response.
Have you ever talked to anyone about this in rl?
Dear me, that's horrendous. My heart really goes out to you. Would you consider speaking to a counseller? I wouldn't even contemplate letting her back in until you've seeked some kind of professional help over those awful memories. And even after that, don't think she's worthy of being allowed back into your life. Good luck OP.
I think that she actually hates me. She would enjoy telling me how she wished she had had me aborted. There were countless times when she would beat me daily. Not just with her hands but anything that was close by. The worst beating was on my private parts because she accused me of not being a virgin when I used a tampon instead of a sanitary towel. "you are a fucking child, not a fucking women in my house because you got your period"
My stomach is in knots, my hands are shaking all this was buried deep away in a box marked hurt and now its been opened again. she used to beat my poor dad up and give him black eyes in front of us it was horrible.
JustThisOnce I'm afraid unless the injuries were really really obvious the police thirty odd years ago would not have really noticed them.
OP of course you mustn't let her back in. And I do think you should find a professional to talk this through with, so that you can put it all back in the box and get on and enjoy your life and your lovely children.
Bongo, do you feel you could talk to anyone? You are carrying a lot in your box. Really feel for you. None of what she did was your fault in any way.
The police officer at the time told me I was being a silly little girl and that I shouldn't upset my mother. many years later the police were called after she had beaten me so badly that I took an overdose of pills and drink. She was still punching me in the face when they came and it took four of them to get her off of me. I am a closed book when it comes to talking and being close with people in RL.
I have three other siblings and she also beat them badly, breaking ribs, cuts and bruises. One sibling was put on the at risk register.
I sound like I'm whinging about the past but it really feels like this has stunned me, like a delayed reaction.
Op what is making you now consider whether to let her back in your life.
Bongo, I didn't want to read and run
What you went through was horrific abuse, and you are a truly amazing person to have got on with your life after going through this, but you don't need to bury it deep away.
Dealing with these memories, processing and confronting them, is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of immense strength, as is your decision to cut contact with her in order to protect yourself.
Do you have anyone you can talk to about this more, to help you rationalise your feelings? and
Bongo, you are not whinging. You must be so full of hurt. Can you talk to any of your siblings?
Coffee because of bumping into her recently and her saying that she loves me (which she has never said in my life before) and she is getting on in age.
spare that's just it, I'm finding it so hard to rationalise my feelings almost to the point of normalising it. I'm on my own without a partner and to be honest would feel embarrassed to. Thought I would come here for some advice and its been so kind of you all.
Fucking hell do not let the evil bitch anywhere near you or your DCs. Keep her away!
The abuse you suffered sounds horrendously sever - have you had any counselling? There is some awful stuff to work through.
Sorry you've been through so much.
bongo you are not whinging and yanbu at all. As other posters have asked, are you having any counselling to help you sift thru and cope with what happened to you?
Your childhood sounds horrific. I am in counselling and have gone nc with my mum and feel terrible about it, but am learning to like and stand by my decision and disable my 'inner mother' who taunts and criticises me still. It has been an amazing help, talking thru stuff.
Have you been on the stately homes thread on the relationships board at all? Sorry can't link am on phone.Lots of people with awful childhoods talking and supporting each other. A principal theme is that of the 'fog' these abusive parents put us in - fear, obligation and guilt, and how to rid ourselves of it.
Take care op, please don't let her back into your family.
Do not evee let her back into your life. What you went through was beyond horrendous. You sound like an incredibly strong lovely person whos doing a great job raising a child. You do not need that poison in your life.
I hope you manage to work through these feelings. Perhaps talk to a counsellor?
Bongo, I can see why you would feel embarrassed. That's fair enough, but you have been through an awful lot, with the right counsellor you could perhaps start to live your life without these memories and feelings at the back of your mind. You were an innocent child and have nothing to feel ashamed of. How did you feel when your mother said that she loved you?
Wow OP, I could have written your post. I've been no-contact with my own abusive mother since July 2012. Everything's great until someone mentions her or she tries texting or sending me stuff for the DCs, then I have nightmares and flashbacks and a huge attack of the guilts. But I see being no-contact as protecting myself AND my DCs. I have no doubt that my decision to go NC has been the right one for my (immediate) family.
Do you have DC? Have they ever met your mum?
I haven't ever had any counselling about this. Just have always put it to the back of my mind. But it has made me feel anxious, no good, weak, shit person. All my relationship's with men have been abusive because I felt not worthy.
I felt really embarrassed and taken a back when she said I love you, as it was false. she is a very good manipulator.
My other siblings want nothing to do with her. But why the bloody hell was it me that had to bump into her. did it have a meaning of forgive and forget?
Do not let this woman back into your life. What you have described is horrible, it is abuse on such a scale I could never imagine and there is no way it could ever be your fault.
If you ever find yourself thinking along those lines ask yourself, did your siblings deserve to be beaten? what about your father? would you ever even come close to doing something like that to your own DC?
The answers are no, no and definitely not which is why this is none of your fault and all hers.
Stay NC, please, if only because your DC deserve to have a happy, confident mother as a role model.
How about arrange to meet her in a public place without your children and tell her exactly how you felt as a child and the impact it has had on you. Tell her you don't want her in your life and this is the reason why. You will realise you are sitting with an old lady with no power and you will realise you are a strong grown woman in her presence, not a little girl. Reclaim your power and walk out with your head held high, you have survived her, and don't have her in your life, you owe her nothing, you are free to go.
we used to live with my step father who passed away, but in my eyes was my dad. My real father separated from my mother when I was a baby and now has numerous children by different women and was never really in my life.
This sounds really bad of me but I manage to not ever go that far or lay a hand on my dc. I feel that if I did that would make me like her.
I would take this as an opportunity to get some counselling to talk it all through. That is all.
There is no reason on earth to let her back in!
she cut us out of her life as though I was the one in the wrong and she made no effort to get in touch. I feel like now she wants me to just let her come back because all of a sudden she loves me!!!
Please do not let this evil bitch into your life again. You owe her absolutely nothing except contempt.
Please talk to your GP to get counselling. You have survived the most horrific abuse, at the hands of a person who should have been nurturing you.
TBH, I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.
Look after yourself, and your DC.
She doesn't love you all of a sudden, she wants something.
You don't have to do anything she wants. You have choices here. She was bad for you (understatement!) I can't imagine there being any benefit in having her back in your life.
Get counselling though. It can really help with all sorts of different areas of your life. I didn't know how to be even remotely assertive until id had counselling. Its not instant, but some moths later i realised i could say no to people without feeling guilty and as though i was a massive arse.
OP there's a thread in the Relationships board that may be able to help you, its called 'but we took you to stately homes' & deals with the survivors of abusive or dysfunctional families.
Go to Body & Soul - Relationships - at the minute its on page 2 of the board.
There's lots of advice on how to handle your situation & many posters who have had similar experiences that may be able to help x
I am going to be really harsh but she doesn't love you, she just wants someone to look after her in old age.
You and your siblings have ALL cut her out which shows how awful she is.
Seeing her again and having this reaction to it shows what a bad idea it would be to see her again. I would look on this chance meeting as a reminder to NEVER get back in contact with her.
Your children are safe and loved - keep them that way. After all you don't know what her intentions are towards them would be.
BMW6 sad but true no she doesn't love me or even herself to of been that way towards her own children. She had a pretty tough upbringing with abuse also, but why would she not want to change the cycle with us.
I think that she will want to draw me in and fuck my head up again.
And for the first time in thinking about all this yes she is an evil bitch I couldn't see that at the time as I felt it was my fault. For years I have suffered with depression and been in dark places in my head.
Move, to the other end of the country, so you never bump into her again.
She sounds very disturbed, none of which is your fault,
Which is why you find it hard to put any of it straight in your mind and dealing with her will rock you , she stole your childhood, sense of security, and peace of mind.
It might seem extreme, but never having to set eyes on someone again, can be a huge relief.
as for letting her into your life again, don't do it, you can't help her, and she doesn't want to help you.
I agree with myboys, she's an old lady who's pushed everyone away and now she's scared she's going to die alone. Deserves it too IMHO. She's got no-one left and she's desperate, let her suffer.
Go to counselling, ring the Samaritans if you need to.
Do not let her back into your life or you will be that scared six-year-old all over again. You have nothing to be scared of anymore hug.
OP I am so sorry to read this. Not quite the same situation as you Ofc but I am receiving therapy now for childhood abuse and I have had to cut myself off from my mum to process it all. You are totally justified in doing what you are doing. Counselling is key. Very best of luck to you.
Tulip That scared little 6 year old all over again keeps coming back to haunt me. last night I woke up sweating and crying and felt so alone. Damn her for making me feel like this.
quote I don't trust anyone as I feel so insecure and undeserving, she has fucked up my childhood and fucked up my adulthood. But other people in my family say "But whatever she has done, she is your mother" You should forgive her.
OP Becoming a mother does not automatically turn a toxic person into a good person. It's not an automatic step to sainthood. All those people who tell you that you should forgive her because "she is your mother" have no real idea of what it's like to have a toxic parent.
I didn't get it until I had a friend sobbing on my shoulder about her parents, and I began to re-appraise her parents through her eyes. It opened my eyes to the pain that she, and many others like her, has gone through. Never again will I judge anyone who feels they need to cut a parent out of their lives.
I think speaking to a counsellor may help you. I think you do need to talk it out in a safe environment and hopefully begin to heal.
But other people in my family say "But whatever she has done, she is your mother" You should forgive her
It may be hard, depending on how close you are to these people, but ignore them. They aren't thinking it through at all.
Other posters will know much more about the psychological reasons why they are saying it but here's a simple way of adding things up:
How bad does seeing her make you feel, even now? Unbearably bad, from your posts.
How bad do other people in your family feel that you don't speak to her - when they even think about it in their daily lives? I bet nothing, in comparison.
How much "better" would they feel if you pretended everything was fine? Again, nothing in comparison with your feelings.
You don't owe anyone a tiny bit of feeling "oh things were a bit bad but it's all fine now" if it costs you your peace of mind. Your feelings are about your self worth and your identity, theirs are just about wanting a worry about someone else "tidied up" (or rather, tidied away).
I'm not criticising them, necessarily - they may be good, kind, well-meaning people. But they don't understand things from your perspective, or they would never ever say that. So on this point, please ignore them.
How awful for you. No. Don't let her back into your life. At all. You don't need her. She needs you. She's getting on and all alone and lonely. Your other siblings don't talk to her so what she's done is now hurting her.
You've got your own life now, away from her, you don't rely on her for warmth food comfort clothing etc etc like all children do from their mothers. You're an adult. Think of your DCs, they need you happy. She will make you unhappy to make herself feel better.
if you bump into her again blank her, the evil bitch.
Take care of yourself. You matter and your dcs matter. Not her.
Oh bongo and hugs, I woud not let her back in no, go to your GP and ask for counselling, as you really need it. Later on if you are able you could do what appletarts suggested
No bongo, yes she is your mother but she should have acted like one. Don't communicate with her o have anything to do with her, if she makes you feel like in one short meeting, think about what she wil make you feel if she were back in your life. She does not deserve your love, she is alone ad needs you, you don't need her. Don't have anything to do with her, get professional help to help you through those feelings
She does not love you, she sounds like a good manipulator, who wants you to care for her in her old age. Nasty nasty nasty wicked woman
I don't think I will be strong enough to speak to a counsellor in person. On here I can hide behind my computer. I feel okay typing it out to you all.
Even as a baby she said she would go out with her mates and leave me in my cot. To this day as big and grown as I am I am afraid of the dark and sleep with the light on, how bloody pathetic is that?
Op yanbu at all. Do not let that woman back into your life.
You actually sound like an amazing person to go through that and break the cycle.
How absolutely terrible for you. Please don't let her back into your life. She hasn't earned the right to be there at all.You have your own family now and she shouldn't be allowed to pollute your life further.Sending you a hug.
You are amazing bongo, but you need help it's easier tan you think. I have seen a counsellor myself for depression and feeling suicidal, and it helped so much.
Please don't think these things of yourself, you are amazing and great. Your mum abused you when you were a vulnerable child, it was all of her fault.
No! What I hear is a person in pain, in horrible emotional pain. There is no way you should let her come near you again. You are a proper person just like her or anyone else and as such, you need to take care of yourself - any contact with her is Not taking care of you. Think of that little 6 year old inside you, and protect her (& you) from this woman.
OP, I just want to echo what the others said but add something about this comment:
But why the bloody hell was it me that had to bump into her. did it have a meaning of forgive and forget?
There was no meaning. It was a horrible, horrible coincidence. The way she behaved towards you was evil. Do not let her back into your life again, she will destroy any piece of mind you have and be an awful person to be around your children.
She does not deserve to have you as a daughter. So what if she's getting old? She's still the same person who abandoned you in a cot as a baby, beat you terribly and lead you to take an overdose. You did nothing to deserve that. Nothing.
Other people in your family may say to forgive her, but the people here on your MN family are saying don't. Would you trust us or them to be objectively telling you the truth? You cannot risk her getting her claws into your family, which is possibly what she is planning to do.
Whatever you think Op, you are a strong person. She inflicted pain and suffering on you and you still had the strength to make the right decision to cut her out!!
The people who say 'but she's your mum, you should forgive her', have not gone through what you have. They are thinking in terms of their own, kind, loving mothers. If they'd gone through what you have, they would never say such things.
This woman has nothing to add to your life, she's still the same person trying to manipulate you for her own ends. She doesn't love you, she doesn't know what love is. Do Not get in touch with her, your life will be ruined! Please for your own sake, think this through, do not let guilt get the better of you:-(
Of course you have done the right think keeping well away from her. What an awful experience you've had OP I'm so sorry
I defiantly do not want her around my dc as before she tried to play my dc and my siblings dc off against each other, her grandchildren. She did this to us as little children and wouldn't allow us to speak to each other in the house. I guess it has just really blown my mind, feelings bumping into her again. And from all the kind advice I have had on here it is true that no good will come of it.
To see it put to me in straight talking is what I needed. I just want to sleep a little easier and not have the flashbacks anymore.
OP I really feel for you.. What a horrible shitty coincidence to bump into her. I often worry about the same thing happening to me and get really panicky when I see someone that resembles my mother. And my childhood experiences were no where near as bad as yours.
You sound like you are settled in that you won't let her in your life or your DC's, which I have to say sounds like the very best thing for you, but I know it is a struggle and there can be so much guilt attached... You sound like you have been so strong in keeping NC so far, keep it up
I so want to recommend counselling too, I have been seeing an amazing therapist for over a yr which has turned my life around, but I understand your apprehension. Keep coming on here for support, as you can see there are so many of us that understand and can relate!
no she just wants help in her old age - ignore her - seek counselling -mend yourself more and don't let her back in.
I'm scared of the dark too honey. I wrnt to therapy and I was told it's a direct result of child abuse. The unknown, feeling alone, not knowing who or what's coming for you. It might be an irrational fear to others but to you it's very real. You are an adult, nobody will ever physically hurt you again as you are in control now. You're strong and you've made your life your own.
which family members say "But whatever she has done, she is your mother" You should forgive her. ??
You owe her nothing. You owe your children the best you can give them and that includes keeping you and them safe and well.
She should count herself lucky you've not gone to the police.
This was an unlucky coincidence, nothing more. This is not fate brining you back together.
Darling, I am going to post and run. Your post bought back many shockiing memories of my own childhood. I shall try to return later.
((((((((((((((Soft Hugs))))))))))))) You are not alone.
ps, do NOT let her back into your life. Ever
I don't think you'll get a single person saying let her back in.
I'm NC with my toxic mother for a lot less.
Be kind to yourself, you sound like a wonderful mum.
So sorry to hear about your childhood. Has she ever spoken about those days and taken responsibility for what she has done. It might be useful for you to hear that, and for you to talk about these specific moments you can remember. I would only do it with a councillor or someone meutral though.
But if you don't want that then you are probably best not to let her back into your life. I'm so glad that you are being the polar opposite to how your mum was to your DC.
Oh OP so sorry you went through this. It sounds like you're a really good mum to your own DC - well done!
I certainly wouldn't let her back in, not least because I wouldn't want that kind of influence around my DC. What do your siblings think?
YWBU towards yourself to let this woman back into your life again OP; just the sight, memory and mention of her causes such awful hurt and stress to yourself that it would be better to cut her completely out and put her in the past where she belongs.
Perhaps that's why you bumped into her? Maybe the meaning wasn't forgive and forget but to put her where she belongs, in your past not your future. If people are encouraging you (wrongly imo) to get back with her again then perhaps this is fates way of saying 'don't, really she is that bad and she doesn't deserve your attention, time or love.' She chose this path OP, not you. She chose to throw everyone from her, neglect hurt and abandon them. She chose this and quite honestly it sounds like she deserves any lonliness, lack of love and respect that comes with it.
I'm so sorry you went through this all OP, I'd also add my voice to those suggesting counselling, if you find a good person it can really help.
And for what it's worth, I think she may have 'birthed' you but she certainly didn't 'mother' you-which is the most important.
I think it is difficult when parents who treated us badly get older. There is that wish/hope to 'mend' the relationship before they die Also if our parents have not been affectionate it is a very powerful thing to have a belated declaration of love.
I can see why this meeting has distressed you so much and brought back terrible memories.
You might want to contact an organisation like NAPAC. http://www.napac.org.uk/
Hope can be a very cruel thing sometimes. You've suffered so horribly at the hands of your mother, but I detect that somewhere inside you have a little bit of hope that if you gave her a chance things would be different. Is that true?
I can't tell you what to do, but from the abuse you have described I think your mother is probably irredeemably awful and highly unlikely to have changed enough to treat you well. She may want you back in her life because she realises she's getting old and wants people around to look after her. She may well want you around because she misses having someone to abuse. Or because she cares about appearances enough not to want a public rift with one of her children.
It doesn't matter. The question is, can you even bear to go there? She may not be up to physical abuse any more, but want if she is still as emotionally and psychologically cruel as before? Are you going to get any benefit from contact with her, and if so, what? Are you prepared for her to have contact with your children, and are you satisfied it would be safe to do that?
Do not let anyone guilt you into contact. Only have contact if it suits you and benefits you.
She is not your mother. Mothers love their children as you will know from your relationships with your own children. She is merely the body which gave birth to you. You owe her nothing at all, and I think from reading your posts you know this.
Im still in bed at this time of the day under my duvet as I have no energy. I feel absolutely broken and not coping. It's such a horrible feeling because I'm a get up and brush it off person normally. I'm not being a very good mother to my one dc in the half term as I'm not paying the attention that is needed. Guilt all over again. My head is clouded and my heart is hurting. I'm so grateful to you all more than you will ever know for your words and support.
If I gave her a chance it would feel like I am looking for her approval of me how messed up is that? It's hard to accept get my head around that even my own mother doesn't or ever loved me or my siblings, it makes me feel shit.
Fraumoose thank you for the link
I never saw it as abuse just the normal, that was how it was in our home everyday. This is what I'm also finding hard. I sound like such an idiot, feeling sorry for myself and should get a grip I suppose.
feeling sorry for myself and should get a grip I suppose
No, you are (quite understandably) feeling hurt, sadness and maybe anger over what was done to you all those years ago. I think abuse can make us feel deep shame, as well as blame. That is what abusers do-they put all their anger and self-loathing onto the victim and make the victim feel it and carry it for them.
Please do now what you mother did not: take care of yourself, try not to judge yourself too harshly, forgive yourself even, and understand that you have worth and are not to blame for what happened to you.
And if you write that on a big piece of paper then stick it on the fridge, so much the better.
Bongo her being your 'mother' (and I use the term here very loosely) is a mere coincidence of biology. She was no true mother, she was an abusive monster and does not deserve to shine your shoes never mind play any meaningful role in your life or your DC's lives.
I echo other posters who have urged you to seek counselling, it will most likely be a massive help both in terms of laying the past to rest and accepting that it was her behaviour that was abominable, and also helping to rebuild your shattered self esteem.
Please do not allow this creature within a mile of your front door, no good will come of it, call me cynical but my best bet is she is attempting to target you and use your inherent fear and awe of her stemming from childhood, to manipulate you into helping her out in her old age. I have no doubt that had she been successful, she would have started up the emotional abuse at least within weeks of any reconciliation.
please get some proper support for this or it will keep coming back to you and fucking you up. You are worth more and have to believe it, none of this was your fault do not give her head space she does not deserve it. look for a counsellor or some sort of support or therapy to help you make sense of all this and become strong enough to look her in the eye and say NO to having anything at all to do with her, ever.
Oh sweetheart, I just want to pick up the 6-year-old you and hug her.
Please don't berate yourself ("idiot" "I should get a grip") because you have been badly abused.
In fact, you should give yourself a big pat on the back for being a survivor!
I can also vouch for counselling. I had some fantastic counselling part of which came down to helping to heal my inner child.
You so deserve a good life now and in the future, as does your DC.
Oh, and no way should you let your mother back into your life. She threw that chance away years ago and she is responsible for that. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!
Perhaps what the Original Poster is currently feeling is a 'normal' response to the abnormal cruelty that she experienced as a child. What children in such circumstances do - if their cries for help are unheard - is to put the feelings away in a box and carry on as best they can. However events - such as this chance meeting can unlock the old feelings.
I don't think that there is anything the Poster 'should' do. I don't want to tell her anything - except that there are other places where she can make herself heard. But actually talking about the past - when it's that bad - can be really scary and overwhelming. Especially if you are also trying to carry on and parent your own child.
I very much hope that the future can be made better than the past has been.
She has never admitted how she treated us and gets angry with one of my siblings when asking who her father is. Chucking her out of the house for daring to ask. My sibling is hurt at this fact that she doesn't know. And my mother seems to relish the hurt is it causing her. Almost like a power over her. We have our suspicions it is a family member and that's why she gets so angry, fucked up I know! And hard to deal with.
She works in a high position of taking care of vulnerable ill patients. How apt as she never cared about her own children!
Keep talking bongo. There will always be someone here to listen.
It might help you to find the scared child inside you and give her a big hug. Tell her she will be ok she doesn't need to be afraid any more. You can protect her.
Amanda thank you. I'm feeling like that 6 year old girl again and if only back then I got a hug instead of a beating.
It's making me scared, scared to even leave my home today. Like her eyes are on me just waiting to tell me that I'm a little bitch. It has opened up my box of hidden hurt. And I appreciate that I can talk on here without getting on your nerves.
She was an alcoholic and mostly drunk before and after school time. We all used to dred the school bell going at hometime. In the mornings she would vomit into the bin in her bedroom and get us to empty it and then bring her more drink. Even the smell of it in her bedroom is now coming back to me.
I'm going to go at this through another angle.
Suppose you do meet up with her, find out (if you know) re her upbringing etc (this in no way excuses her for what she did to you?
you say she is manipulative - do you think now, as an old lady she wants to apologise? you never know.
I know that an ex-GF of my brother, her mum well she drank and had psychological problems and the daughters were all put into care. Eventually the mother died (not much contact from the daughters but they knew where she was). I do know it affected the ex-GF of my brother a lot though, sadness, not being there for her.
Maybe meet up with aid of counselling and see if you can make sense of it and if it's worth making sense of it. if not then walk away.
I'm in the same position as your DC, in that my mum was horribly abused by her twisted arsehole of a mother.
We went completely NC when I was about 8, I think, and I don't regret it at all. I've lost nothing by not having to share my life with a viper. She lost that privilege when she abused my mum, and all the unaffected people bleating that she should be forgiven can go swivel.
In seeing her unexpectedly, you've been gut-punched, so it's not surprising that you're having difficulty processing it all, particularly as all the memories flood back - don't be hard on yourself for your reaction, it's perfectly sane, you're not weak or any other name you're calling yourself. You were right to avoid her, and you know it.
If you can build yourself up toward counselling, it can help - I know it helped my mum, but it takes a lot to get to the stage where you can talk face-to-face about this. If now isn't the time, that's ok too. Keep on with your own life, divorced from her and her poison, loving and caring for your DC. You're a better person, a better mother, than she could ever dream to be.
oh have just seen how she's never admitted how she treated you.
I think if you DO meet up you should tell her you KNOW how she treated you, YOU are not a liar etc.
I think the alcohol supportive groups of drinkers (they help the children) may help you. Good luck.
I had an alcoholic dad but my parents divorced when I was 5 so luckily didn't see much but apparently he didn't hit etc.
Have read through this thread.
I take back what I said. I don't think she deserves anything at all from you.
HOWEVER. I would be tempted to meet up with her, tell her calmly (with a friend or someone) everything she's done to you, ASK her for your sibling re the unknown father and then walk away. she does not sound one bit remorseful.
it is pointless in this case dealing with her problems. I only felt sorry for my dad because, well there were problems due to his childhood.
There is nothing in my mind that thinks she would be sorry after causing 40 years of hurt. I guess at first bumping into her it was an awkward moment/shock and reverted me back into being a child again. Maybe wanting to give the benefit of doubt. She absolutely will not tell who my sibling father is to anybody.
My other sibling was beaten a lot worse than me, I also carry the guilt of not protecting them all as being the older sibling. I would huddle us together when one was being beaten and try to cover their ears whilst crying and being scared. But that's not real protection. I should of stopped it.
The more I write this down the more I am beginning to hate this women.
No, she should have stopped it. That guilt belongs to her, not you. You were a child - you couldn't have fought off a drunk and angry adult woman. You were forced into being a protector as best you could, and you comforted and helped your siblings in a horrific situation - don't feel guilty for not being Wonder Woman.
She had problems due to her childhood, But as others on here have pointed out its not my fault. She could of done better to make the change with her own children.
I have spoken with NAPAC today and they were very helpful in listening over the telephone. I would never of taken this step if it was not for the advice on here, thankyou.
Bongo dont give her anymore of you, she does not deserve to lick the bottom of your shoe. Please please do get professional,help, they will help you with these feelings, you don't want to be carrying around this for the rest of your life!
Bongo I truly feel for you. Please do not blame yourself for your mother's despicable behaviour. We're all here for you.
Have spoken with one of my siblings and she is adamant that she wants nothing more to do with our mother ever.
I will not allow her to be back in mine and dc's life either. I just hope that she does not phone or come to my door.
I m going to seek counselling to help tidy up my hurt box.
Thank you all for being there for me
I would suggest you seek counselling OP - if only because you MAY bump into her again and if it's stirring up all these feelings and upset/guilt etc then I'd do something about it.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may be good for you - as there's an exercise there where you can choose who you let in/out of a box.
It must be very hard to know how to deal with her etc. I got scared bumping into my dad when he'd divorced his 3rd wife and he wasn't even that scary, it was just something I didn't know how to deal with.
I do think (not an excuse at all) that as she didn't get help with the problems with HER childhood then this affected the way she treated you. Not an excuse at all though for her. Good luck.
May I just say, bloody well done you for being such a different, better mother to your own children. I hope you are proud of that, you should be.
She can not be called a mother.
Please, please see your GP and get counselling.
Am rooting for you. (((((( HUGS ))))))
If she comes tothe door, don't answer it, if she persists call the police. If she calls don't answer, or change your number. I am so pleased you ar considering counselling, really bongo you do need it, you have a big heavy burden tat you need help with
After the half term is up I will make an appointment to see my G.P and try to talk this out with a counsellor.
I remember a friend telling me once what a cold person I am. Didn't mean to be. I am very guarded, build up walls around me, withdraw from others and find it hard to trust. All these things/burden will be good to get off my chest to a counsellor.
I hugged my dc so tight today, I love being a mum. SHE was not a Mum.
That sounds like a good plan bongo. You might find that you feel worse after counselling at first but over time it will get better. You need to feel comfortable with your counsellor. If after a few sessions you don't feel you "click" with your counsellor then do change to someone else. The relationship is very important.
But other people in my family say "But whatever she has done, she is your mother" You should forgive her.
I say 'fuck that' to this comment - I think that's sentimental claptrap, frankly. I don't care that she gave birth to you, what she did afterwards cancels it all out.
They can forgive her if they feel so inclined. They have no right to tell you what to do or how to feel.
I want to go back in time and take you all away out of it.
Darling, well done for starting this healing journey.
If you ever doubt yourself,look at your DC and remember how much you love them, not in a million years will you ever 'be your mother'
Don't give up on yourself, see this healing all the way through, you're worth that investment.
Keep talking to us, it'll help you open up in RL a bit too!
Just to let you know, we had some requests from MNers to add a trigger warning to the title. The OP's agreed to that so we've done it now.
Best wishes to the OP
I have had a few telephone assessments talking through my flashbacks and night sweats of my past relationship with my mother through a therapist. to be honest i didnt think they would call. Apart from posting on here I have never spoken about or addressed my past. I am grateful for all the replies I had. My mother contacted me at Xmas.
I have now been referred for trauma counciling as from what the therapist had gaged she thinks that I am suffering from post traumatic stress. I'm a bit shocked that she has said that, and feel like a fraud. I'm so confused and feel that i would be taking up their time when it all happened years ago and my siblings suffered too. I should get a grip on it and put in back in the past, lock it away in the box.
One day I'm up and can get on with it, next day I'm all over the place and not sleeping. I don't want to sound like a Marta, my head is not straight, I'm rambling on sorry just need to talk. I know I know it would be unreasonable not to get help but I'm scared.
Sweety, it most likely is ptsd. That is just your body processing what it couldn't process until now.
You can do this, you have the support and you have us.
Talk away, you are not alone! ((hug))
It's hit hard that it could be ptsd Hissy I'm finding it confusing. Appreciate your reply
Not a fraud at all OP, and yes your siblings suffered too but that doesn't negate your suffuring.
You deserve the help that is on offer. Please accept it.
Don't let her back in, what you've said she's done is terrible. Stay strong an remember you got this far without her
No, you cannot put it back in the box. Or you can - maybe - but it would be a bad idea.
People's minds try to heal themselves. Things get locked away until the person is strong enough to begin to bear them. You have had more than most, some appalling abuse, and it must have hurt you to the depths of your being. Perhaps now you are strong enough to begin this healing. Perhaps talking to a therapist will give you enough to be able to cope a little more with the pain that is so clearly so deep, and deeply buried.
<very gently> you are doing a good thing. Mumsnet is here for you.
Oh god you poor darling. I could cry for your younger self and all you've been through
You sound wonderful and a great mum and strong, and part of being strong is recognising when you need help and accepting that we all fall apart sometimes and that's nothing to ever be ashamed of
I hope the contact with your 'mother' wasn't too traumatic at christmas, I feel incredibly angry on your behalf that she would dare have the nerve to contact you after all she has done. If she was genuinely remorseful and accepting of what she had done she would not have forced contact, that she did shows you are still absolutely right to protect yourself from her poison
I hope the counselling etc helps you, I'm just so sorry you have to go through this xx
Hi Op haven't read the whole thread so don't know if you've found a counsellor or are considering it. I know you said you didn't think you could sit in a room with a counsellor but thought I would mention that I had counselling over the phone(arranged) through work which was really good. I too didn't like the idea of sitting in a room with someone and found the phone easier. Pm if you would like me to pass details on or I could post on here if you'd prefer.
I don't really have any advice to offer but other posters are right if she can make you feel so distressed after all these years you absolutely don't need her in your life xx
I thought I was a strong person but this has knocked me made me weak. I feel like a coward burying my head in the sand and not wanting to confront and bring up the hurt and pain. It is hurting my head my heart my body.
You're not weak bongo, not at all
Who wouldn't try to avoid something painful? Who wouldn't just wish it would all go away?
You are strong because you are still here, you have a life and a child and you have broken the cycle of abuse, that's a massive thing and one you should be proud of
Oh my god, Bongo, you're not weak at all! You're incredibly strong. Not only have you survived regular vicious beatings, you protected your siblings as best you could and- most importantly- you've broken that cycle of abuse by not passing it on to your own DCs. Fucking hell, love, please don't ever think you're weak. You're amazing.
bongo I hope you can be gentle with yourself. You sound like a great mother and someone who has broken the cycle.
Keep talking. To whoever and wherever you feel you can. Each time you talk to someone you trust who affirms that what happened to you isn't your fault, the 6 year old girl that still live inside you will gradually learn to trust the world, the shame and the awful feelings will begin to lose their power.
When I read your post I felt an overwhelming sense that I wanted to hug you. I hope at some point there is someone who can hold you and help you through your pain.
I wish you a happy future.
You are and have been so kind in your replies it means a lot to me. She wanted to meet up for Xmas lunch as she was not working that day. I said I was away that day and I haven't heard anything since. Did she really think that we could be mother and daughter happy at Xmas. Ffs she used to heat up table spoons on the cooker tell me to hold my hands out and bring it down. If I moved my hand away on impact she would do it double. Yep maybe she could do it again over Xmas lunch to me, bring me back to that scared little girl again. She probably wants to hurt me all over again.
That's why I'm going to find it so hard to talk it out face to face. At least I can be annoymus sorry about my spelling and grammar on here.
When we hurt we just want it to go away, why can't it go away.
Bongo sweetie it is heartbreaking reading your posts.
You WILL get through it. It WILL go away. You ARE strong enough and you ARE worth it. One thousand percent.
I think the easiest way to make it go away, for good, once and for all, is to be brave for a little while longer, to really face it all and work through it.
I wish I could go back in time to that little 6 year old girl, take her hand and gently lead her away. Take her somewhere safe, smooth her hair and bandage her up and heal her wounds. And hug her and hug her some more and keep her safe.
That is what the 6 year old you deserved. Not what you got. That woman has no right to call herself your mother after what she did, let alone think she can have a relationship with you.
what a horrible cow. you are well rid.
I tell you what though, I'm a bit worried about the vulnerable ill people she now "looks after".
She is dead to me, sounds harsh, sorry it's the way I feel.
I'm feeling your hugs and kind words Heartstrump. I just want to go to sleep peacefully and not wake up scared and crying anymore. I'm finding myself staying up late into the night so as not to close my eyes and have the flashbacks. No amount of eye cream can hide my dark circles.
I have never been to counselling and to think that I'm about to go into counselling for ptsd is very daunting for me.
She will never be allowed near me or my beautiful ds.
(((Bongo))) It will be bloody tough. You must be hugely strong to be the person you are now. I'm sure you will come out of the counselling feeling less burdened by the horrendous life she put you through.
You don't sound harsh. You sound justified. She doesn't deserve to be a part of your life.
Fetchezla the vulnerable ill people and their families have no clue as to what she was like, as i doubt she would of got the job.Hopefully she would not abuse them. It's historical and she would of played the emotional manipulation I've changed card to her employers.
I know I have to approach the counselling and be strong but I really have to think about this. I had to talk to the therapist about my overdose at 14 and self harming afterwards. I need to be careful that I don't have any thoughts like that again. I know I have my ds to live for now so wouldn't like to think like that ever again. I just don't want to slip and why I was thinking that I should just box it up.
Denial is a fantastic coping mechanism. It allows you to go on living when the reality is too hideous to contemplate. My denial started to break down when I had my first child and experienced panic attacks and flashbacks - I had the symptoms of complex ptsd. I found a therapist I could work with, but it took six months of sessions before I finally 'broke open' and turned up week after week sobbing in his chair.
Get angry. Get really bloody angry. It's your right. You've been robbed: of a normal childhood, of a family, of proper adult relationships, of your self- esteem... Then stop being angry - and get on with the life you should have. It is possible. There is light on the other side: it's going to hurt like hell getting there, but you're in pain now, so you have nothing to lose - and the pain will stop. I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment.
I haven't seen my parents since my child was a baby. I pity them now because they will get old alone and miserable and not really understanding how they got there. For a long time, I wanted to kill the bitch or, at least, I was afraid, if we met, that I would find her dead at my feet and not know how she got there. I'm not sure I feel that anymore.
As for your 'family' suggesting that you owe her something because she's your mother...?? They have their own version of the past to defend, don't they?? If they accept that your mother is deeply flawed, they have to accept that they stood by and did nothing - and they probably can't face that. In my opinion, in child abuse there is no such thing as an innocent bystander.
Good luck. Live on. Live well. And keep away from your bitch. ;-)
Please never see her again.
Please try the trauma counselling or recommended therapy with an experienced clinical psychologist.
You can heal from this trauma and move on, I feel you will get better .
Counselling is not easy when talking about really difficult issues, but the counsellor will be very aware of that. They will make it safe for you to talk and open up.
It can be very draining so plan a quiet time afterwards and pamper and take care of yourself.
For what it's worth, the time I spent with my counsellor felt very safe and secure and when I'm having a bad time now I envisage myself back in her room to calm myself.
It helped enormously and it helped me to understand how stuff wasn't my fault and how I need to take care of my inner child.
Incidentally, my mother worked for social services. I remember someone else on here whose abusive mother fostered children with special needs (physical and behavioural). It doesn't surprise me at all that your mother is in a 'caring' profession. It's all about the power... and who will believe you when you try to 'out' them...?
bongo you are already a very very strong person!
Look at what you have achieve in your life, look at your children and how you are parenting them. The weak people are the ones who use physical violence on their dcs. But you aren't. And that's because you are the strong one!
Re your fear of self harming again etc... I would have a word with the counsellor about it and explain your fears. This is an important point for him/her to know about.
I just wanted to echo others that you are doing great. What happened to you and your siblings sounds horrific
I was abused as a child. Nothing like as bad as the things you describe. But I also shut it away. I was scared of the dark and used to wake often in the night screaming and thinking somebody was standing over me, or in the doorway, coming to get me.
I think these sort of things are so normal. And understandable. For those who had frightening childhoods.
I have managed to work through a lot of what happened to me. If I'm honest I still have a lot shut away In a box. But I'm not so scared of the dark and I don't have the nightmares any more.
I also have children and I feel one of my big achievements is not passing the abuse on to them. Sure I'm not a perfect mother, who is, but my girls feel loved and secure and nobody will lay a finger on them as long as I'm around to protect them.
So much abuse is passed down generation to generation and you shouldn't down play the wonderful achievement of breaking that cycle and showing your children what a mother should be.
I hope you continue to receive support. And I hope you never see your wicked mother again.
Brokenbutnotfinished that's its the denial being a coping mechanism. I'm glad you found a therapist that you could work with,And you opened up. It's true what you say about family and that is why I keep my distance. I have taken comfort in your words.you are strong too.
Newyearchanger that will never happen seeing her again. Moving on and feeling better will take time but I must do it, thank you for being kind.
Fridayfreedom I'm glad that it felt safe and secure when you had your counselling and that it helped. No it wasn't your fault at all.
You have all offered such good support even though some of you have also had trauma in your life's. I take strength from you all who have posted.
Scottishinswitzerland I'm sorry that you have gone through abuse. Any kind of child abuse is bad and not our faults at all. And we should never of had to suffer it. You sound like a wonderful mum to your girls and haven't passed on the abuse baton. Children feeling loved and secured is what mothers are put on the earth to do their kids. And I'm glad you are one of them. Thank you from my heart for your post.
Bongo I have not one single doubt in my mind that your DC feels loved and secured too.
Reading your posts, they are harrowing just awful, no amount of typing words can express how much I feel for you bongo. Your own mother, your first great love, the one person in the whole world who is supposed to love and support you no matter what was a monster.
You are not a little child with no other support, you can deal with this. Baby steps, keep posting, I'm holding your hand, well me and the rest of Mumsnet.
You can and will get through this, just keep talking, it will help to come to terms with what has happened, even if you think it's utter shit your talking just keep going.
I'm so glad you are looking after yourself. The greatest and yet hardest thing is getting help and starting to heal.
Practical advice: don't book stuff so you have to rush off after councelling appointments. Treat each one a bit like a dentists appointment where you'll have treatment done, so no running straight off to pick up dd, or having to talk to people etc. try and build in a bit of a breather afterwards. I found it useful to walk back after through the park, or occasionally meet a very low effort friend for a coffee, or just buying a cupcake on the way he to share with ds. Or making it a ready meal, telly and cuddles evening. I just wanted to shut myself off a bit after, and not think or analyse anything too hard.
Ds is very loved by me and perhaps I am too overprotective of him at times. Friends often say to me that I am of him and its a bit of a running joke how they would feel sorry for anyone that hurt him. I'm like most and ready to fight like a tiger for him. That's one thing I can be grateful to her for is that she has made me a parent who cares,supports, loves and nurtures my ds. All of which she was incapable of doing.
She is a nasty piece of work and would often be drunk at night and in the morning before school we would have to clean her vomit up and wash her whilst she was calling us fucking bitches wish i never had the lot of you.This I would never let my ds do or see me like that.
You have a capacity for love that your mother doesn't, OP. Sorry that you have had such a horrible time of it. But you will have joy in your DS that she will never have, and many years of it ahead of you I hope counselling can help you put all your awful experiences behind you.
bongo that's the only thing you need to be grateful to her for. The fact that you have seen with your own eyes how a bad parent does it and used that information to parent your son in the way that you do.
Then the 'debt' that she thinks you owe her is paid.
She wanted to abort you?
She wishes she'd never had you?
I recently found out that my GF wished my dad had died. I'm in my 40s and I'm numb with that little nugget (like you say, you have to 'lock' it away ) . As a child, your coping mechanisms were incredible.
Your taking the steps now ,
Bongo, just skimmed I must admit, but I just want to say loud and clear: THAT WOMAN IS NOT YOUR MOTHER!!!. She may have given birth to you, but she was never your mother. A mother cares for her children, she doesn't hurt them. You owe her nothing, not a damn thing!
Counseling is a good thing. I hope it helps you.
I thought you may be interested in this obituary. This woman lived in a town around 100 miles from where I live.
"Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick born Jan 4, 1935 and died alone on Aug. 30, 2013. She is survived by her 6 of 8 children whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.
On behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.
Most of us have found peace in helping those who have been exposed to child abuse and hope this message of her final passing can revive our message that abusing children is unforgiveable, shameless, and should not be tolerated in a "humane society". Our greatest wish now, is to stimulate a national movement that mandates a purposeful and dedicated war against child abuse in the United States of America."
Bongo, you are not alone!
Can it be reported now? Love to you by the way
My story is nothing like yours but I do remember locking myself in the bathroom while my mother used a hammer to try to break in to get at me. Another time she left the house saying she was going to throw herself under a train and I sat at the top of the stairs, unmoving, for hours.
She is never going to understand the impact that sort of thing had on me. And I'm fed up explaining why I don't have a relationship with her - it always makes me look like an ungrateful daughter! For years if anyone mentioned her, she would appear in a dream and I would wake up in a cold sweat. I have tried to cut her out of my life on several occasions, and managed it for years at a time.
Be strong. You must look forward, not back. I can guarantee that you think about this more than she ever has. And that is an on-going insult to you. Don't give her a chance to indulge in any self-justifying double talk. You know what is real. You know exactly what happened. You were there. And your responses are perfectly natural.
But some of the other guys on here have a point. If you think you are still living the legacy, and having difficulty making and keeping healthy relationships is a direct consequence of the abuse you suffered, then talk to a professional. Imagine if you had a broken leg and didn't get it sorted out because of shame or something like that! Looking after your mind is more important than looking after your teeth! Only people who don't care and don't take the trouble to understand will see it differently, and their opinions don't count.
Thinking of you.
YADNBU, you don't EVER meet up with her, if you do you cause some welts on her legs this time!
Imagine if you had a broken leg and didn't get it sorted out because of shame or something. Years ago I broke a bone in my wrist, it was very painful and I ignored it for 6 days. A friend made a fuss and took me to a and e had it x rayed and yes it was broken and put into plaster straight away. The nurse asked me why I didn't come in sooner and how did I manage as it was my dominant hand.
I think now looking back I chose to ignore the pain. She would always say when beating me what are you crying for are you in pain, no your not so shut your fucking mouth. I suppose I became desensitised to pain and would shut it out. She used to beat my step father causing him black eyes, split lips and scratches. He would never fight back and to me watching that it became acceptable to be caused pain and not make a sound about it.
OP my heart aches for that child in you.
Do not let this woman back into your life. She doesn't deserve you.
She doesn't deserve your DC.
I want to give you a safe big hug.
Are you still in contact with your Dad? Your siblings?
Sorry OP - I didnt read click 'all messages'. Im catching up on the rest of your thread now.
He was never really present in my life. He would come and go and sometimes I would spend the odd school holidays with him. She got married to my step dad and then they divorced and he died sadly. I don't have a relationship with him as he is selfish and only speaks to me when he has women trouble. He used to beat her up when she was pregnant with me. Bloody pair of them didn't want me when I was in the womb and out of it. I have numerous siblings from seven different mothers through him and I don't have any full siblings at all they are half siblings. All fifteen if them I have never grown up with. And sometime see them from time to time but I feel like an outsider when visiting, no fault of us.
On her side I have only half siblings, we all have different fathers. And it's fucked my head up big time.
I am close to a couple of my siblings still that are local to me and love them dearly.She was embarrassing going around having affairs behind my step dads back and then crying to me about it.
Bongo you are doing the right thing.
None of what happened is your fault in any way. How you feel is important, listen and respect yourself. You are precious.
Wishing you all the good things.
Bongo, have you sat and talked things through with your siblings?
Stay close with them, and keep them close. You need their support, and their love. God knows you deserve their love. Well done for breaking the cycle and for seeing that your DC are a gift, to be cherished, and not to be treated the way you were treated.
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