To only want one child....

(76 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Sun 27-Oct-13 17:13:03

Me and husband have made the decision to only have one child (mainly because of health problems I have) and when I told this to my mom the other day, not the reason behind it, but just that we only planned on having the one, her response was one of shock/horror! She passed comment to imply that it wasn't 'right' to just have one as it wouldn't be fair on the child.

I have a sister who is only 12 months older than me and I love her to pieces. We are best friends and we had the most wonderful childhood together and part of me feels like I'm doing a disservice by not providing a sibling. My husband has a brother who he can't stand, they never got on as children and still don't as adults, they don't have anything to do with each other. His brother and his wife/children didn't even come to our wedding. It goes without saying my husband isn't too concerned about the supposed 'benefits' of having siblings.

Is it selfish to just have one? hmm

I didn't think it was but I can't get my mom's response out of my mind...
I did explain our reasons to her and although she took them on board she certainly wasn't too convinced by the argument.

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow Sun 27-Oct-13 17:14:45

It's unreasonable to have a second child because someone else says you should.

The decision is yours and your DH's alone.

JoinYourPlayfuckers Sun 27-Oct-13 17:16:04

No, it's not selfish.

CMOTDibbler Sun 27-Oct-13 17:16:48

YANBU. You should have the number of children that you and your dh agree on.

You can never predict how siblings will get on - my brother and I have never got on, and he is less than zero support in looking after our parents. DH has two brothers, and though he sees them every few months, wouldn't regard them as friends

Strumpetron Sun 27-Oct-13 17:18:13

Got fuck all to do with her she needs to butt out.

It's not selfish at all!

My DP was an only child and he's perfect fine.

As long as your liccle un is showered with love and affection (which Im sure he/she is) it doesn't matter whether they have siblings!

Jan49 Sun 27-Oct-13 17:19:16

It is perfectly reasonable to have only one child. I have only one child, now an adult. He's autistic so maybe his response isn't typical, but he has never ever wanted a sibling.

I had 2 siblings, wasn't close as dc and we're not close as adults. My ds's father had one dc, same situation. Not the close relationships that parents always think they want their children to have at all.

If the subject comes up with your mum, I would just emphasize the health issues.

Minx179 Sun 27-Oct-13 17:19:41

It's quite selfish of your mum to ignore your reasoning. It is up to you and your DH to decide how many children to have or not have.

I have one and I'm quite happy with it. He has ASD so I can give him all my time and attention to help him progress as far as he can.
Plus I just have never had the urge/pull for another.

I have 2 brothers and we are not close. I saw them for the first time in months because they picked my son up to go on holiday with my mother.
I won't see them till Christmas week and then it won't be till birthdays after that.

nf1morethanjustlumpsandbumps Sun 27-Oct-13 17:27:43

It's on unreasonable for your mum to have that response imho. I only have one child due to health issues and that pregnancy almost resulted in the death of me and my son no way would we risk it again. My mum was actually horrified we even tried once as we knew it could be an uncertain outcome.

I'm an only child too and a perfectly well adjusted adult who is neither spoilt nor entitled nor any of the other criticisms often bandied about referring to only children.

TEErickOrTEEreat Sun 27-Oct-13 17:27:49

It is selfish to expect other people to live their life as you want them too. Your mother is the selfish one.

I have 5 brothers and sisters. I only speak to one of them.

Siblings does not gaurantee friends.

I have an

Writerwannabe83 Sun 27-Oct-13 17:27:58

I know you are all completely right - isn't it mad how much we still look for parental approval even as adults? Every other family member has understood it when we have discussed not having more children which is why my mom's reaction took me by surprise.

I'm currently pregnant with our first and had to have a lot of medical pre-conception counselling regarding the risks to both myself and baby should I choose to get pregnant so it wasn't a decision we took lightly. Certain family members told me I was irresponsible for even wanting to have a baby and weren't very supportive - that's probably why they are happy to accept another one probably isn't on the cards. I have also had a difficult pregnancy (I have been off sick for 10 weeks) which was just another nail in the coffin really.

I just look at future family holidays and imagine our child there on his own with nobody to play with, stuck with his 'un-cool parents' etc. I just couldn't bear to have a lonely child, bored at home, and feel that we did it to him. To think he'll never be a blood line uncle or have blood line nieces and nephews, well, it just plays on my mind a little hmm

TEErickOrTEEreat Sun 27-Oct-13 17:28:06

My son will be an only child.

JoinYourPlayfuckers Sun 27-Oct-13 17:30:57

"I just look at future family holidays and imagine our child there on his own with nobody to play with, stuck with his 'un-cool parents' etc."

1 Kids are amazing and sniffing out other kids to play with. From the time they are about 5 you will probably barely see them.

2 You need to start becoming really cool NOW to avoid this eventuality wink

Lazysuzanne Sun 27-Oct-13 17:32:09

I'm pretty sure it isnt 'right' to use emotional blackmail to coerce other people into having more children than they want to.

You dont need to explain or justify the number of children that you have, just do what you feel is right for your situation and dont even engage with people who presume to tell you that they know whats best for you.

I'd have been rather cross in your shoes and I'd have told her it was none of her business

Strumpetron Sun 27-Oct-13 17:32:17

Bloody hell she should be letting you enjoy your first pregnancy/baby without banging on about another one shock

Honestly, like I said my DP is an only child, a few people in my family are and they never had any problems. In fact most will say they liked it because they had the best of everything and never had to share, have sibling rivalry and arguments....

They'll never have known any different, you can't miss something you never had.

Stick to your guns, you never know you might change your mind later on but that's your prerogative.

I hope to have the one, no more than that grin

talulahbelle Sun 27-Oct-13 17:32:33

If I ever manage to get pregnant it will likely be with an only child. I have two siblings, one I don't get on with, one lives on another continent and we talk rarely. My DH has two siblings we are not especially close to. Friends are far more important in our lives.

beals692 Sun 27-Oct-13 17:33:32

My view is that children have certain needs (love, attention, friends etc) but that these can be met in a number of different ways. As you've said, not all siblings end up being best friends for life. On the other hand, some people remain best friends for life with a school friend they grew up with and have just as close and supportive a friendship as you and your sister have without being related. As long as your child has the opportunity to play with and develop friendships with other children they will be fine.

JoinYourPlayfuckers Sun 27-Oct-13 17:34:37

"Bloody hell she should be letting you enjoy your first pregnancy/baby without banging on about another one"

I know! Seriously. I read that you were still pregnant OP and I was shockhmm

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 27-Oct-13 17:35:09

Any body can have a view, but it is not them who has to be up in the night when DC is ill, it's not them who has to wipe away the tears, it's not them who for the next X amount of year will have to make sure every basic need of this child.

darkdays Sun 27-Oct-13 17:36:10

Nothing wrong with only wanting one child. I only wanted one but I had twins. Wouldn't swap them for the world though!

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 27-Oct-13 17:36:29

Also you may adore being a parent and have the desire to have another one.

cupcakeicing Sun 27-Oct-13 17:37:50

My DS is an only child not really through pre planning, just never felt the pull for a second either.
He is 9 and has a wide circle through school, cubs, swimming etc. His bf has three siblings who DS likes to see when at their house but think he is glad to get home tbh.
DH and I both have one sibling to whom we are not particularly close to.

That decision is for you and your husband to make, your mother has no right to interfere.

We also only wanted one child initially and when I fell pregnant last year we discovered we were having twins. Now that they are here I am utterly in love and really want more. In fact, I want a whole bunch more.

Wait and see how you feel once your baby is here.

CremeEggThief Sun 27-Oct-13 17:39:54

YANBU. It is selfish of others to pass judgment on anyone's choice of how many children they would like. angry angry

Writerwannabe83 Sun 27-Oct-13 17:45:02

Thanks everyone, you have made me feel so much better about it all smile

TheFuckersonInquiry Sun 27-Oct-13 17:51:39

YANBU.

You must learn to be confident about your decision. If I were you I would never justify it of explain it to anybody. It is no ones business. I have three children and no one has ever asked me to explain why grin

There is also no need for you to tell people that it is your intention to only have one child unless you want to.

Congrats on your pregnancy thanks

Blu Sun 27-Oct-13 17:55:38

You parent in the way that suits your needs and the needs of our child. / ren Your child will not be all lonesome on holiday because you will take the kind of holidays you all enjoy, and you will choose hols where there is a kids club, or a pool shared with a few other families, or go with friends you make with similar aged kids.

In the same way that parents with lots of children make sure to spend some time alone with each child occasionally, or that each child's preferences get met in the choice of activities etc.

You will be a very happy family however many children you have.

swampytiggaa Sun 27-Oct-13 18:38:06

DS best friend is an only child. He is lovely and very sociable. We have 5 DC (4 at home) and DS loves going to his friends house to escape his sisters!

We have the friend around and include him in days out etc so he gets the bigger family experience.

teacher123 Sun 27-Oct-13 18:54:18

I have one DS who is 18mo and I'm 99% sure he'll be an only. He is a lovely lovely toddler, who is affectionate, funny, eats/sleeps as he should etc and yet I still am completely overwhelmed by the constant NEED for me. I don't think I could do it again.

CanucksoontobeinLondon Sun 27-Oct-13 19:19:40

YANBU, your mother is. I was an only and I survived just fine. The only angst I had about being an only was because both my parents wanted more kids and couldn't have them due to health problems. But that was their desire, not mine. Your kid will be just fine.

foreverondiet Sun 27-Oct-13 19:45:24

Wait and see but if he does end up being an only child (for any reason, health or otherwise) then its up to you and your DH only.

MidniteScribbler Sun 27-Oct-13 19:53:56

I'm an only child and never really had any deep yearning for a sibling. DS will be an only child also. Do what's right for you, and let everyone else have however many children they think is a perfect number.

Lazysuzanne Sun 27-Oct-13 19:58:05

even if there is anything 'wrong' with having an only child (and I dont for one minute think there is) surely it would be far more wrong to have a second child because of pressure from other people when you know deep down it's not what you really want for your own life.

DeckSwabber Sun 27-Oct-13 19:58:25

Few of us have a family exactly how we 'planned' anyway. I didn't choose to have all boys. I would have liked a fourth but am now glad that I didn't because I think it would have been too much for me.

I have a brother but we don't get on and never have. I think he would have been happier as an 'only'.

My mum was one of six and hated it.

SunshineMMum Sun 27-Oct-13 19:58:29

Another one here with one DS who has autism. We always said one only, even prior to diagnosis. DS dearly wanted a sibling, especially as the only other 'only' in his class had a special surprise sister at age 11 grin I do feel sad sometimes, but it is a highly personal choice.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 27-Oct-13 20:03:07

YANBU, upto you the number of children you have.

I only wanted one as grew up in a large family. No one to one time, no time to help with homework, not able to attend clubs etc. With just one i can always be on hand to help with homework, dont have to drag others along to clubs, have the money to do nice things etc.

He is not lonely in the slightest, he can bring friends home whenever he likes and enjoys his own company. After seeing his best friend constantly fall out with his brother he has no desire for a sibling.

DontmindifIdo Sun 27-Oct-13 20:06:28

a) you don't need to tell anyone you don't want anymore, if they ask or if MIL mentions it again, you can just say "we can't have anymore." and leave it at that. If anyone MIL is rude enough to ask why not, you can say you don't really want to discuss your gynaecological health.

b) re family holidays, there are options, you go somewhere that's full of other DCs, you go somewhere with a kids club, you take one of your DC's friends with you on holiday, you go on holiday with another family (sharing a villa type affair).

c) having DCs hurts, is expensive, is emotionally draining, don't do it for any reason other than you really, really want to.

Jinsei Sun 27-Oct-13 20:11:17

I just look at future family holidays and imagine our child there on his own with nobody to play with, stuck with his 'un-cool parents' etc. I just couldn't bear to have a lonely child, bored at home, and feel that we did it to him.

My dd is an only, not through choice, but because I miscarried her sibling. She isn't lonely at all, and she rarely gets bored. She's very sociable and has tons of friends. We enjoy our holidays as a family as she is comfortable in adult company, but we also go away with friends so that she has company sometimes. It works for us!

QueenMedb Sun 27-Oct-13 21:29:03

You don't owe anyone an 'explanation'. For some reason, it's something otherwise polite people feel able to comment on, but that's no reason why you should have to enable it. I was happily child free until the age of 39, and people were shocked and disapproving. I had a child. Were they pleased? Nope, they were horrified I wasn't planning to have another.

dollywobbles Sun 27-Oct-13 22:36:51

My DS is an only, and will remain so.
On announcing my pregnancy to my parents, my DM's response was 'don't let it be an only'.
It had taken me 8 years to get pregnant. I sort of felt that was a bit of an inappropriate comment, really.
I think feelings run high on this subject. For me, I'd have rather been an only when I was growing up. Having a sibling brought me no happiness at all.
I am completely and utterly happy with the idea of not having any more children. Even if I didn't have my history, of struggling to conceive, I don't think I'd be taking steps to have another.

pinkr Mon 28-Oct-13 05:33:55

I could've written this op! My dd is only 9 Weeks and already people are talking about number two. We always just wanted one and are delighted with dd...I love my sister but my husband isn't close to his brother, we're financially unable to support two children at nursery and I don't want to step out of my career although I am going to only work two days for a few years, I had pregnancy complications that ate likely to be worse next time and I consider us lucky top have emerged unscathed, and i'm 34 now and can't say I fancy doing this any older! I told my doctor I didn't want anymore and she offered birth trauma advice...I told her my birth was just fine and I wouldn't not have another because of one day of pain but because I know my own kind and dh. It is quite annoying the assumptions made.

MyBaby1day Mon 28-Oct-13 06:52:58

YANBU, I am an only child and LOVED it!!. I also want to adopt just one. However many children you have (or don't have) is your choice and no business of anyone elses. As this thread proves many people now have just one and are happy with it. There are many advantages, more money to go around with just one, you can give your child all the attention, no sibling rivalry and he'll be just fine!. Yeah, sure at times I got lonely but I think there were also other factors at work when I did and I think being an only child is a really cool and unique experience.

Squitten Mon 28-Oct-13 07:18:33

Don't worry - we're about to have our third and EVERYONE has an unhelpful opinion about that too.

Do what you YOU want and your child will be fine

Laurel1979 Mon 28-Oct-13 07:25:06

YANBU. I have an only child and we have a fantastic time together. I sometimes get asked why there's "only one" and "surely you want to have more" but they tend to back off when they find out that DD's dad died when she was a baby!

Look on the one child family forum under Parenting for some great responses to this if you need any quick answers for these intrusive questions........

soislife Mon 28-Oct-13 08:49:56

DD will also be an only child. Didn't plan it that way (I wanted 2, DH 3) but we lost a baby at the start of the year and neither of us can risk going through that again. We get told we will "one day" and MIL also told me I was being "selfish" making the decision and constantly tells me "so and so is pregnant". It was hard to make the decision and I even had counselling, but now I look forward to having a one-child family. DD is a sociable little thing, since she turned 1 (she's now 2) she's been in nursery 3 days a week & we always go to playbarn where she always seems to make a friend! As long as you're happy it's no-one else's business :-)

frogspoon Mon 28-Oct-13 09:17:05

YANBU

I don't understand why anyone thinks it is their business how many kids you should have.

teacherandguideleader Mon 28-Oct-13 09:21:41

I am an only and hate it for a variety of reasons - I would not choose to have an only child (however, I realise sometimes it just works out like that).

It is noone's business but yours and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about your choice.

violetbean Mon 28-Oct-13 10:27:45

DH and I are both only children and we grew up very happy without siblings. We only want to have one child at the moment. Not looking forward to all the comments mentioned above but hopefully our own good experiences and memories will see us through any negativity.

jeanmiguelfangio Mon 28-Oct-13 11:57:27

I'm an only and I have one DD, I was questioning another because of all the selfish comments and I really don't want any more. I saw a girl riding her bike and talking to herself and singing. I asked my mum about it. She said were you lonely? Were you unhappy? I really wasn't, I had a lovely childhood, I also didn't have any cousins and was th only grandchild. My LO won't be.
Looking at her laying asleep on me now, I want to be her mum, no one else's. I want to focus on her forever, and now she has started grizzling that has cemented that grin

Seriously, life takes so many twists and turns that you can't plan it as much as you would like, no one is selfish in the decisions they make, it's your life, you live it how you want!

Hurray, a thread about having one DC with compassionate and reasonable responses.

DoudousDoor Mon 28-Oct-13 13:09:51

Haven't siblings wuldn't guarantee that your DS would be a blood uncle! I know a family with 3 children, none of whom have children and they are now all beyond the age of having them so will remain so.

You can't make your choices based on possible futures.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 28-Oct-13 13:09:56

First off, you have made the decision for very good reasons. I have a friend who, after 3 miscarriages, made the same decision because she said that the child she already had was more important than any she might want in the future (miscarriages were having an effect on her dd also due to emotional turmoil etc)
I would have chosen to have 3, but I won't. I have one (and I never say I ONLY have one. I hate that. Not sure why!)
There are good things and bad things about it, but I can't change it so no point worrying really.
Ds has cousins, who he adores, and lots of friends. I always made an effort to invite other kids over, and to go places where there would be other children to play with.
He is absolutely not spoiled, probably because I have made a very conscious effort to not over indulge.
He is hilarious, kind, and very good with other children, good at sharing, kind to his friends younger siblings, and deeply eccentric.
In fact, I have had many boyfriends who have been onlies, and they all tended to be quite eccentric, but in a really good way. They have never been compared to anyone else, they are just them iyswim.
As for holidays, we go with cousins, or we go places where there will be other kids, and I then I steel myself to go and make friends with other adults with kids of a similar age, and playing amongst children usually follows.(I think with one child, you have to be a bit pushy sometimes, especially if that child is a bit shy.)
Ignore all the negative comments, and feel grateful for your one unique child.

You don't have to justify your choices to anyone. If you decide to be childfree that is the right choice for you, if you decide to have one child that is the right choice for you...its your life not theirs.

I have two boys and you sometimes get the don't you wish you had a girl - no we are happy with things as they are.

Thumbfuckerwitch Mon 28-Oct-13 13:32:02

The only selfish thing here is to inflict your views onto anyone else, such that they feel bad about the perfectly valid choice they have made.
I.e., your mother is the selfish one, not you.

My mother was an only. She chose to ensure that I wouldn't be, and gave me 2 siblings, neither of whom I appreciated or was grateful for, despite her being sure I should be and telling me so. hmm
I am grateful for my sister now, but couldn't care less about the other one - but if I had been an only things might have panned out very differently, so in reality, I'd have probably been just as ok with being an only child as not.

I had DS1 at 40 - 3 MCs later, it was looking like he would be an only then we got lucky and got DS2 5y after Ds1. But if we hadn't got lucky at that point, then we would have stopped TTC when I turned 45 anyway. I was quite happy to have stopped at one but DH had one brother, close in age to each other, and he wanted DS1 to have that experience of having fun with his sibling.

Your only child doesn't have to be a "lonely only" - make friends, go to groups, mothers' groups, playgroups, etc. etc. - this gives them their socialising when they need it.

In the end, you can NOT work out ahead of time what is going to be best for your child because you simply can't know whether or not your DC would all get along, and whether or not any of them actually would have preferred to be solo.

Stick with what you've decided upon - you have very valid medical reasoning for it so your Mum can stick her head up her bum, quite frankly.

lifeinthefastlane1 Mon 28-Oct-13 13:52:32

I have best of both worlds, 2 grown children girl and boy who were 3 yrs apart, they get on really well and are great friends, however they stuck with each other on holiday and didnt make outside friends at all when we were away.
now I have a 4yr old and shes like an only child as sibs no longer at home, shes totally different, she makes friends everywhere we go and is not shy at all, shes happy with others and happy alone. We made the decision that we wouldnt have another one with her, as I wanted to do the whole only child business ,after paying for 2 kids on holidays etc its lovely to just have to think about the one.

My DS is a happy only, it was pretty obvious that we would only ever have him. His best friend is growing up as an only through much less happy circumstances.

We ensure the 2 boys spend a lot of time together so they have a close friendship, learn to share and compromise as they will need to as adults.

My response to people making stupid comments is " I can't improve on perfection " yes, MIL, I'm looking at you

EldritchCleavage Mon 28-Oct-13 14:09:31

There is simply no way for you to predict whether your child will love or hate being an only, just as there is no way for those of us with more than one to predict whether they will end up having good sibling relationships in adulthood.

So do what suits you and your husband now. It isn't up to anyone else.

If you get on well with your sister maybe there'll be cousins one day for DC to play with ?
My DC have a great time with their cousins.
Also on holiday they're soon off playing with new found friends - I think children are much better at this than adults.
It doesn't always have to be nuclear family based these days - friends are the relations you choose for yourselves smile

eurochick Mon 28-Oct-13 14:19:44

I'm an only - not by choice but because my mum miscarried the next four and was then told to stop for the good of her health.

My childhood wasn't awful by any means, and much of the time we were a happy band of three. However, having lived it, it is not what I would ideally want if we are able to have a family. It was sometimes a lonely childhood and I longed for a brother or sister (and asked my parents for one, which must have caused them a lot of heartache given what they were going through). It was very unusual in the 80s (I think I was the only one in my class of 30), less so now. And there are far more clubs and after school activities than there were back then, which should help.

You have to do what is right for you and your family. Given your health concerns, it sounds like sticking with one is right. During your first pregnancy is not really the time to be discussing it anyway!

BigOrangePumpkin Mon 28-Oct-13 14:26:30

No, no, a thousand times no! My DD will be an only child too. As loads of PP's have said, there is no guarantee that siblings will get on. Me and DSis were 'forced' together when we were younger due to a small age gap but we've never really got on, and there are always tensions simmering away under the surface because of it.

TombOfMummyBeerest Tue 29-Oct-13 01:00:26

I have one DD. I either want only her or 2 more, not just one. So that, if I do have a favourite, it won't be so glaringly obvious. thlgrin

In all seriousness, if I only ever have her, I'd be extremely happy. And I won't hesitate to say so.

Evelynevening Tue 29-Oct-13 01:40:26

Yanbu. You can choose your family size and do not need to justify it to anyone.

I might be best to avoid this topic in the future. If anyone asks directly about your plans just say something vague like 'time will tell' and move on.

Echocave Tue 29-Oct-13 08:22:50

Just repeating everyone else's view - it's not anyone's business but your family's. and I know plenty of perfectly lovely, well adjusted only children (including both of my extremely lovely parents!).
There was a good article written by Tracey Ann Oberman (I think) the other day about being a parent to an only child.
I always think its one of the most annoying and intrusive things people can say.

Lilacroses Tue 29-Oct-13 08:53:08

It's entirely up to you and your dp. I t drives me mad that people feel they have a right to tell you how many kids you ought to have!! My Dd is an only and although we wanted another it wasn't possible and after a while of feeling sad about it we moved on and now feel very positive indeed about having just Dd.

Yes there are advantages in having siblings but there are also disadvantages. In any case, it's up to you both and no one else.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 29-Oct-13 09:20:10

Thank you everyone for your continued responses and reassurances. Thankfully my mom hasn't raised the issue again so I'm hoping that she has now digested it and decided to just leave us be. I don't think we could afford a 2nd child either....I don't know how people manage smile

Someone up thread mentioned about my sister possibly having children and so there being cousins around - my sister already has children they will be 9 and 6 by the time the baby arrives so quite a big age gap. However, one of my best friends had a baby boy 4 months ago and one of my other good friends is having a baby in 6 weeks - so there are potential play dates lined up smile

Our new dilemma is that hubby has taken a shine to the name 'Rocky' hmm Good Lord, help me grin

CeliaLytton Tue 29-Oct-13 09:23:39

YANBU to only want one child. Unsolicited advice should be filed away under 'didn't ask, don't care'.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and congratulations!

pregnancywithouthim Tue 29-Oct-13 09:32:31

In my experience OP, it tends to be people who loved their siblings and were very close to them who can't imagine only having one.

However, I know just as many people who don't get on with their brother or sister, including one (admittedly) extreme case I know where two sisters have so much bitter resentment between them - parents split up when they were pre-teens and one sister got seriously ill. The mum was either working or at the hospital for her DD2, while her DD1, who was only 11 or 12, spent hours alone in the house after school. There's still so much resentment there - sad, really.

But I digress - I think in these uncertain times one child is sensible for a myriad of reasons.

Summerblaze Tue 29-Oct-13 10:08:50

I, like you have a dsis who I am close to so always wanted to provide dd with a sibling. I have 3 dc.

However in your situation I too would have only had one. My dniece is an only and has many friends and is friends with my dd.

I have many friends and family (and I'm sure you do too) who have siblings who are really close and others that can't stand each other.

And a mother who would rather have 2 grandchildren and her dd have worse health is quite frankly shock.

Hope your pg goes well.

Summerblaze Tue 29-Oct-13 10:12:05

Also, my dc are aged 9, 5 and 18 months. My dsis has dc aged 4 and 2. DH's dsis has the only child who is 8.

You would think that the combinations of children who got on better was the 9 and 8 yo, 5 and 4 yo and the 18 months and 2 yo.

The two that seem to get on the best is my 9 yo DD and my dsis 4 yo so age gaps between your baby and your sisters will lessen as they get older.

My DC were 9 and almost 6 when my sister had her little girl, and they've all had such a great time together. Has been lovely to see DS especially taking on a bit of a caring role towards her. She thinks he's the bee's knees grin

Amibambini Tue 29-Oct-13 12:41:04

I'm pregnant with my first, and most probably only child. I'm really looking forward to being a happy threesome and really don't feel the need to have siblings just for the sake of it, as much as relatives and certain friends gasp in horror at the notion.

My reasons are thus..

All the one child families I know are pretty happy and sociable, with all members having rich and varied lives, independently and as a family. It seems to me that more kids means that one parent becomes pretty much nothing but 'a parent'. A frazzled, stressed parent! This is no disrespect to the parents who chose to have larger families, it's just not something that I see myself willingly committing to or enjoying.

My partner and I want to be able to give our full attention and resources to our little Junebug, however we also want to stay engaged with our own lives.

I personally don't feel we could afford two kids.

And last but not least.. (in fact very important to me) is, well, our little planet sure does have an abundance of humans! We aren't running out of people any time soon. And I don't have a particularly rosy view of civilization in 20 or 30 years time, I think there is a good chance that life will be harder for most people, even in developed and wealthy countries such as the UK. Part of me has been so cynical about the future that I really questioned whether to even have children at all, but y'know, wonderful partner, long term relationships, life, the idea that future humanity's survival depends on having smart, awesome, resilient, creative and caring members, so we should at least make one!

Anyways, that's me. Don't let anyone tell you how to make your family. Laugh it off and eyeroll inwardly, and know that your choices are the right ones for you. Good luck!!

BlueStones Tue 29-Oct-13 12:56:36

I think pregnancy has a good point. I also know numerous siblings who never got along, to the point where they no longer speak. I don't believe childhood happiness has any bearing at all on the presence or absence of siblings.

elQuintoConyo Tue 29-Oct-13 22:36:09

I have a list as long as my arm as to why we aren't going to have another child - but none of the reasons are anyone's business but mine and DH's.

DS is nearly 2 and the questions/comments have started already. I just smile and say 'no' then change the subject, hopefully the person will realise they may have put their foot in it and not ask anyone else.

I sometimes half-supress a snort and say, 'lordy, no - next one's a dog!' and make light of it.

I get far more fucked off when I get told, 'wow, he's so active, what do you feed him?' type comments - yes, he's running around the slide on his invisible motorbike, again, now piss off!

<and breathe>

Congratulations OP thanks and don't feel you owe anyone an explanation to your choices, anyone.

Theaub Sat 02-Nov-13 19:03:08

My mum had a very unhappy childhood and was an only child. she has been an unhappy adult most of the time. She obviously feels these facts may be connected, as she told me it was 'cruel' when I said that we're not planning for our baby to have any siblings. Her reaction upset me at the time, but I realised that she was just seeing our baby as an extension of herself. Your mum obviously has her own views on this too which reflect her own life story- you don't need to give them any more weight than that. My mum assumed that if she had had a sibling that they would have insulated her from her own unhappy childhood. There are no guarantees about how sibling relationships work tho and all you can do is go with your own instincts. Being able to have a family of any size is a blessing so enjoy yours and try not to worry about what others say. People will have an opinion on every aspect so try to only take on board the advice you find helpful. Good luck and enjoy your baby!. smile

Mumasaurous Thu 07-Nov-13 15:19:21

My DS is months old. My DH took 4 years to come round to the idea of kids and it took 4 years and 2 rounds of IVF for me to get pregnant. I'm now 39 and feel my son is a miracle and utterly fullfilling. There is no way we could afford more IVF, more maternity leave and more childcare other than me working full-time and I can't face that thought - I have a fairly well paid but extremely stressful job. I feel I was lucky this time with my age but to go through the highs and lows of IVF again whilst working and looking after no 1 would be awful. I also have a real ambivalence about sibblings - my brother never really got over me coming along when he was nearly four and we had at times a really toxic relationship with him quiet badly bullying me in his teens when he was going through a bad time. Though there is no reason this would happen with us it is a big turn-off. I'm lucky though, people who I have talked to about this really understand my reasons and are supportive. For me there is a part of me which would like another but I really don't feel it is the right thing for my family. I think it is appalling to put pressure on people about this. These decisions are hard to make and very emotionally loaded and you deserve respect for knowing you and your family best and therefore making the right decision.

Mumasaurous Thu 07-Nov-13 15:21:46

Oops - meant to say DS is nine months old! Numbers on our keyboard are playing-up.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now