to feel like im being phased out

(48 Posts)
theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 10:21:53

I've been good friends with a lady since our first dc's were born 5yrs a go. We live very close and used to see each other two or three times a week, and we're always texting etc. We're part of a circle of around five friends but we have always been especially close.
Last year my oldest two dc started going to pre school every morning to give me a few hours of peace with the dc3, around this time I stopped getting invited to Playgyms,
ach others house, general outings. I would always suggest we should meet after pre school in the afternoons but this never seemed to be an option for them. So I started seeing them less through no choice of my own.
A few months later my close friend introduced a new lady to the group, all seems fine and she was invited on a prearranged girls weekend away. She seemed to take a dialing to me, leaving me out of conversations.
The weekend after we got home she invites everyone round to hers for drinks, apart from me. I see photos on facebook and feel so left out. I confront my close friend who says they didn't think I'd want to come.
I've really tried to keep friendly asking if they fancy meeting up, going out etc but always met with some excuse.
I logged into facebook today for the first time in months and there they are again on a night out.
I feel really awkward now, I see my close friend on the school run everyday. Should i just accept they've moved on and just exchange pleasantries or try and salvage what used to be a really good friendship?

scarletforya Sun 27-Oct-13 10:24:53

Don't beg. Just hold your head up and move on. Make small talk if it's made to you but no more.

everlong Sun 27-Oct-13 10:26:34

I can imagine that must really hurt.
It does sound like for some reason they are leaving you out on purpose. If that's the case you don't need friends like that.

Is there anyone else you could meet up with?

lottieandmia Sun 27-Oct-13 10:29:09

They are not very good friends are they? But I would also feel hurt. When this sort of thing happens it can really feel personal. If I were you I would try to find some new friends.

MsVestibule Sun 27-Oct-13 10:30:03

Why did your friend say they didn't think you'd want to come? I know the sensible thing would be to accept it and back off graciously, but I would have to find out what's happened. Can you speak to your friend again and ask her for the truth? Tell her that even if what she says may be hurtful, you'd rather know than just be cut off with no explanation.

Roshbegosh Sun 27-Oct-13 10:33:36

Well she isn't such a close friend is she. Move on. Personally I would tell my former close friend what I thought of her two faced behaviour.

YouTheCat Sun 27-Oct-13 10:34:40

Time for some new friends.

I really hate when people assume I wouldn't be interested in something without asking first.

Preciousbane Sun 27-Oct-13 10:35:22

Sounds like one of those Wendy type women I have read about on here.

Can someone explain exactly what one is as I get the gist but don't think I will be able to explain very well.

lottieandmia Sun 27-Oct-13 10:36:11

There are a lot of threads like this and it makes me glad I am not part of a group of women as grown women so often seem to behave like school children.

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 10:36:31

I had just moved house at the time (around the corner) they said they thought I would be too stressed. I was stressed but it would have been a nice distraction. My closest friend apologised for leaving me out, but its happened so often since then.
It does feel very personal, and also like something I would have encountered at school.
I agree I need some more friends but its easier said than done.
I bumped into one of the group and she mentioned she was having a party for the kids this week, then invited me. On one hand I'd love to go and the kids would love to see their friends but how awkward would it be? I wouldn't have been invited if she hadn't bumped into me.

Panzee Sun 27-Oct-13 10:36:34

Is new friend a Wendy? She might be helping old friend edge you out, possibly by making stuff up.

flipchart Sun 27-Oct-13 10:38:03

I'm sorry you have been dumped.

You are just going to move on and, as hard as it is accept they aren't your close friends anymore.

Please keep your dignity.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout Sun 27-Oct-13 10:38:33

Of course you're going to feel hurt by this you're a human being. I not not going to pretend I wouldn't be bothered by it. However please do not give them the satisfaction of letting them see how much the are hurting you. Let them get on with their stupid little clique. Just move on. I know it's hard but you deserve friends whop are going to treat you properly because they're out there somewhere and even if they're not it's better to have no friends than crap ones. xxx

YouTheCat Sun 27-Oct-13 10:38:52

Take the kids to the party. They will enjoy it.

Plus not all the group might be aware of what is happening and they might not all be excluding you - it could just be one or two silly cows.

mewmeow Sun 27-Oct-13 10:39:26

Oh dear, this is a horrible situation to be, I've found myself in it many times (and probably as a teenager did my fair share of 'phasing out' subconciously).
I know it feels horrible, but there is always the possiblity that they have some how got the impression that you were pulling away from the group yourself. You suggest the problems started when your two dcs started pre-school, could this have been the issue? Maybe they felt put out that you would choose this option, rather than to continue with the afternoon meet ups you guys had previously been doing? I know logically it's absurd as it is entirely your decision, and probably the right thing for you and your dcs, but people can take things like this to heart easily. The other option-not such a nice one- is that they felt you were drifting out anyway, and used the pre-school obstacle as a reason to ostricise you further.
If it is simply an issue of crossed wires, with both sides feeling like the other is pulling away, it should be fairly easily redeemable, it may just take guts to raise the issue with no messing around, eg 'i feel like im not so much part of the group any more, do you still want to be in contact with me?' or something along those lines, but a bit more personal to you iyswim. It will probably be obvious from their reaction if they genuinely felt you were backing out yourself, or if it was conspired by them.
If the latter proves to be the case then it is a very hurtful and horrible thing to deal with, particularly if you still value them and their friendships, but it is a big world out there and you will meet other people. It is best to leave with your head held high and back away without a scene. Particularly if the Dcs are involved and may still be friends etc. Just ignore them from your life, don't try too hard to reconcile, as it will probably just dent your confidence further.
Really feel for you, it is a nasty situation, i hope it turns out well for you and it was a misunderstanding. Yanbu to suspect otherwise though-given the circumstances!

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 10:40:56

I don't think I've lost any dignity, I broached the subject of being left out once and then made an effort to be more part of the group.
I have no intention of mentioning the night out, I think your right I'll say hello etc when needs be but otherwise start distancing myself. It's such a close community though too, I think its knocked my confidence a lot.

spanky2 Sun 27-Oct-13 10:43:58

This happened to be. However the Wendy that edged me out ended up behaving very badly. She ended up having a threesome while my ex best friend's dd was there. The dd saw the Wendy, her dh and female sex buddy lying in bed together in the morning after. Awful. The Wendy then confessed to holding cocaine parties with a circle of school Mums. Drop them and run for the hills. They are not nice women if they can phase you out so easily.

Viviennemary Sun 27-Oct-13 10:44:44

Don't broach the subject of being left out. I wouldn't bother with being part of the group. Go to the party if you were invited and you want to go. If there is any one person in the group you liked you could invite them for coffee. I think that's what I'd do. But also try and make new friends but it takes time.

FruOla Sun 27-Oct-13 10:50:09

Preciousbane, a Wendy is a new friend to an existing group of friends - she gains everyone's trust and friendship and then starts to phase out one (or more) of the group - usually the person/people that she senses will be 'on to her' quickly. Often, whilst ingratiating herself with the group, she'll start telling the rest of the group untruths about the woman she wants to get rid of so they start to phase the woman out too.

Lilacroses Sun 27-Oct-13 10:52:17

Sorry OP, this sounds really hurtful. I've been in a similar situation myself and it has been very hard. Two options I can see are speaking to one of the other friends in a very straightforward way as in "I feel as if I'm being left out of things...why?" If she says "Oh we thought you wouldn't want to come" again say "why did you think that? I was really hurt".

However......
I did this with a friend (who was in a group of people who had edged me out similarly). To be honest it was pointless, she completely denied it was happening and called me paranoid and then they continued to leave me out! It gave me a slight feeling of satisfaction that I had said my piece but ultimately I decided to go with option 2....forget them and move on. I really don't need people in my life that behave like that.

I know it's sad and confusing though.

Lilacroses Sun 27-Oct-13 10:55:50

It knocked my confidence too OP, I started to feel as if I couldn't "read people" properly whereas previously I'd felt really at ease socially. I think it was the whole "You're being paranoid" even though I clearly wasn't!

Dilidali Sun 27-Oct-13 10:56:19

You've been wendied. Breeze over the whole thing.
Organise playdates for the kids and ply the mothers with tea and cake. smile

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 11:24:52

I didn't realise this was so common. She is totally a fucking Wendy! I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one this has happened to so thank you.
Why be a Wendy though? If she hadnt have been such a bitch to me we could have been a good group of friends.

WhatABeautifulPussy Sun 27-Oct-13 11:53:18

I suspect either she's jealous of you on some level or she saw you as an easy target because of your schedule, which meant she didn't see you as much as she saw the others.

Are you still close to your close friend or has she drifted away too?

I'd try to maintain individual friendships. Over time it will probably become obvious that if you're seeing all of them and they all still like you the issue is with the Wendy.

Lilacroses Sun 27-Oct-13 11:57:54

I posted on here as well theignored when it happened to me and was hugely comforted that I wasn't alone in this too. Hope things get easier for you soon. I certainly had a big emotional shift when I finally properly realised my "Wendy" was not interested in including me and not interested in how I felt at all actually. It was a big moment for me and allowed me to stop making an effort with her. Things started to look up from there on really. Good luck to you.

spanky2 Sun 27-Oct-13 12:00:47

The Wendy in my case has told everyone that the reason my ex friend's dh had a heart attack was because ex best friend had an affair with wendy's dh. He did have a heart attack but that wasn't the reason. Stay well away.

happy2help Sun 27-Oct-13 12:08:18

It's horrible OP, it's happened to me and it's humiliating and really does knock your confidence. It's made me realise that I , will never let myself get so close to anyone again. Not to say I won't make friends/don't have friends but I'll never put myself in that position again. Now I tend to not confide in people about my own problems (except I would on MN obviously). One of the worst things is that I've told a couple of people who I thought would be friends for life, some really personal stuff - I'll never make that mistake again.
We still get together, but I never disclose anything about myself anymore, but I make sure I'm happy and bubbly and smile and chat. I will never get over it tbh, but hope you can xxx

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 12:14:24

I still see my close friend but mostly on the school run, we hardly text anymore. I'm no longer on Facebook because it left me feeling shit too often so it's probably easier for them to leave me out now.
After I was not invited to Wendy's house for drinks the first time, I broached the subject with close friend. She was sorry I had been made to feel like that and said she'd make an extra effort but nothing changed.
I've stopped asking my close friend to do things or meet because the response was always 'sorry Wendy has already invited me to...'
and the invite obviously wasn't extended to me.
Or I'd get a text from my close friend saying 'hi, were all going out on the 5th, can you make it?'
I work shifts as does my hubby, and more often than not I can't make the date. I'd tell her that and she would reply 'oh that's a shame that's the only date we can all do'
Obviously I'm not important enough to have a say on the date etc.
But then occasionally close friend will say 'I've not heard from you in ages' which leaves me all paranoid again.

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 12:18:18

Wendy has also integrated herself into my close friends close friends (if that makes sense)
Close friend once said to me, Wendy was at the other day. After apparently meeting her once.
I must have raised an eye brow, as close friend said to me 'it doesn't matter were all grown ups'
I took from this, that close friend new exactly what Wendy had done to me and realised it could happen to her too??

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 12:19:19

Spanky shock

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Sun 27-Oct-13 12:22:23

You mentioned that you moved house. Is it a nice, big house by amy chance? Better than your friends' houses? You could be dealing with straightforward envy here. It does not sound Wendy like to me as they had started phasing you out before the new woman came on the scene.

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 12:25:01

Property- yes it's a lovely house in a lovely village with a lovely school, two mins walk from close friend.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Sun 27-Oct-13 12:32:03

Well in that case I reckon it could honestly be as simple as your success and nice house/location are sticking in your former friends' throats. There are ridiculous amounts of jealous women around. You only have to look at the ridiculous fuss made on MN about the whole Christmas appeal nominations. I would just move on. Leave these jealous losers behind ad make some new mates.

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 27-Oct-13 12:36:08

I was going to say what propertyNIGHTmare said. I too was thinking: pre-school (is that something OP has to pay for?), moving (is that to a nicer house?). I think you have moved on OP and they haven't. It may be that they are insecure themselves or just that they are plain jealous and feel you have stepped out of their league.

It happened to me 20 years ago. And a uni chum of DH's has totally left us behind so we have done it in reverse too.

Just move on - your DC will probably end up at different schools, with different friends and you will become part of a whole new circle. It's the sort of narrow mindedness that stops the world turning if you ask me.

HelloBoys Sun 27-Oct-13 12:36:49

This is horrid.

Yes, does sound as if you've been Wendied but really your close friend and the close friends of close friends don't seem as CLOSE as they were originally to you or want to bother.

Do you bump into any new neighbours/kids clubs etc? that you can strike up conversations with? where do your I can't believe I'm typing this! real friends live?

just make an effort to socialise more as it does sound like as propertyNIGHT says they could well be jealous.

thebody Sun 27-Oct-13 12:38:02

oh dear op they sound very very childish and nasty.

it's not your fault and you are best out if it.

congrats on your move and house, they are silly and jealous.

HelloBoys Sun 27-Oct-13 12:39:11

Yes, I don't know where you live but engross yourself (if you have time) in village activities you want to go to.

WI is apparently becoming very trendy again please shoot me if you don't want to do jam and Jerusalem but apparently it's really not like that! grin

I've learned from various friends I've fallen out with or they with me etc to stick to the ones I like or make new ones. best you found out now really what these women are like.

Canthaveitall Sun 27-Oct-13 13:10:41

Yanbu. You have already asked once so I wouldnt do it again. I would move on and make new friends. It's difficult but it will happen.

I had a similar thing happen to me , only the women were all DH's friends and partners. We all used to meet up, go shopping etc. Over time I got pushed out. The final incident was having met them for coffee one afternoon , it was let slip they were going out that evening. I clearly wasn't invited and it was so hurtful as we had been .'friends' for years.

I just walked away from the lot of them. It was essentially one woman who led it but the others were complicit so as bad. This is what your 'close' friend is doing now.

I still see some of them but I am just polite.

Life is so much better without that crap.

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 13:29:13

My ds and close friends dd are in the same class, so I will always have to see her I guess but could deffo keep it to pleasantries. Wendy lives in a different town that's not so nice, and tried and failed to get into my local school.
I think your right, maybe I've outgrown them, Wendy always made a point of saying how good looking my husband and children were hmm
Maybe I I convince myself she was jealous I won't feel so shit about the whole situation

HelloBoys Sun 27-Oct-13 13:54:22

theignored - this Wendy is jealous - no 2 ways about it.

Shows how much influence she has and how sheeplike the others are being if they're ignoring you.

Digs or comments about 'how good looking your husband are' are only the start.

and like I said before - this 'close' friend of yours can't be that close if she behaves like this. I know it hurts but give yourself a few weeks of coming to terms with this (yes I've been there) and try to tentatively make new friends and before long these women will be in the past.

It may be a good idea to make friends with people you have stuff in common with rather than just the kids.

HelloBoys Sun 27-Oct-13 14:05:56

I've just seen your post where one of the friends invited you to a (kids) party?

well if she invited you, why can't you go? You could always take the opportunity to say, Yes I've been busy with move etc - isn't life hectic with me working shifts etc but still I'd LOVE to come on a few nights out with you, if we can talk about it and arrange it!

if the other parents/friends are there - and if you say this positively and assertively it could catch them off guard - even the Wendy and a few other friends (like the one who invited you to the party) may think 'hold on a sec' and invite you out more. then you can maybe pal up more with the other friends. see what I mean?

worth a try and saves you making new friends.

HotDogSlaughter Sun 27-Oct-13 14:13:03

Yes, classic Wendy behaviour here. It's happened to me too but luckily I wasn't very invested and moved on quickly. It's horrid though but you really can't and I stress can't bring it up and make a big deal. It hurts like hell but just, chin up and fake it.

theignored Sun 27-Oct-13 14:18:27

hello boys- I bumped into one of the group last week and she mentioned the party then invited me. If we hadn't bumped into each other I would never have been invited.

RedHelenB Sun 27-Oct-13 14:25:06

Going against the grain here but I think you are being a tad unreasonable. They are inviting you to things, it's just that you can't make the times. And after pre school ( of your choosing) doesn't seem an ideal time for them to meet up.

Tensixtysix Sun 27-Oct-13 14:36:13

Ignore the 'so called' friend. Not worth being upset over it.

Preciousbane Sun 27-Oct-13 14:45:37

FruOla thanks for a very clear description, I'm one of life's ramblers and struggle to get to the point.

FruOla Sun 27-Oct-13 15:17:04

Preciousbane. Wendies are horrible, aren't they? sad

I really feel for anyone who has been the victim of a Wendy.

HelloBoys Sun 27-Oct-13 16:42:19

OP - I know you said if you hadn't bumped into one of the friends then you wouldn't have been invited but maybe it is partly a busy busy lifestyle.

I'd go to the party like I say. If they still aren't nice then leave them to it.

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