AIBU if I wince every time I see a baby wrap? (warning: mention of harm to babies)(40 Posts)
This should actually be titled IKIBU (I know I'm being unreasonable) rather than AIBU, because I know full well that I'm being totally unreasonable.
About a month ago I had a dream that DD (actually aged 4) was still an infant and I was "wearing" her in one of those fabric baby wraps. In the dream, the fabric slipped, she fell and was killed. Very upsetting sort of nightmare to have, but the worst part is now every time I see someone wearing a baby, my heart rate speeds up, I get very tense, and I start to imagine them falling and being killed.
And it's not going away. If anything it's getting worse. At first it was just the fabric baby wraps that made me go mental, but now I'm experiencing the same reaction when I see a baby in a Snugli, even though they're much more sturdily built. It's driving me nuts. Please note that I have no tragic baby-falls-from-baby-wrap backstory, nor have I ever heard of accidents occurring with them. In fact, DH and i used to use them ourselves when the kids were babies, although we only ever used a Snugli, not the fabric kind.
Yesterday I was in Tim Horton's, and saw a man with a baby in a Snugli. I had to bite my tongue to stop from asking this total stranger if he was sure his baby was buckled in securely. Both the area where we live and the area where I work are filled with families with young children, so I see this sort of thing a lot. It's getting to the point where I'm considering going back into therapy to deal with the anxiety of seeing total strangers wearing their babies. Which is ridiculous, but there you go.
DH says it's just stress and it'll go away in time. I have been under a lot of stress lately, but not remotely baby or baby wearing-related stress (move and family stuff). This is just such a silly neurosis to have, but have it I do. Anybody here ever experienced anything similar or am I alone in my craziness? Thanks.
Nothing similar but I often think the babies look so uncomfortable because their legs look as though they're being forced too far apart...especially if the Mum has a wide waist.
I'm sure I'm BU because I guess the babies would cry if they were.
it's quite common to have random negative thoughts, taht can be quite upsetting.
I suffer from these myself, usually focussed around myself, or the childrne, falling over and getting badly injured.
i've always suffered from anxiety though, and think it's linked with that,
so... your issue i think is not with slings, as you rightly point out, but with the negative thoughts that you can't help coming into your head.
when i'm in an ok place I can push these thoughts away, when i'm very stressed though I find it much harder and it can be quite upsetting
I get awful thoughts and images like that and I find the best thing I can do is to not give those thoughts the attention. The more attention you give them, the worse they will get.
It is hard at first to do but with practise it does get easier.
Be kind to yourself x
worra... the leg positioning is actually good for the hips!
If it's affecting your life maybe you need to have some therapy? Sorry not helpful but it's your problem not the baby wearers and you need to find a way to deal with...
This is completely unrelated to babies or wraps in any way.
I have, however, experienced similar things, as in dreaming something and it having a disproportionate effect on my state of mind in real life.
It's hard, but I managed to deal with it by doing something whose name I forget, but which involves using the time when you have just woken up from your dreams but are not fully awake to direct what happens in your dreams. Over time you become able to control your dreams without waking up.
Yes, it is stress related, I am told.
I HATE walking across bridges carrying DD as I'm convinced I'll throw her over the side.
No idea why, no previous bridge accidents, I love her lots and have no desire to murder her whatsoever. I find it quite terrifying.
I asked another mum who used the fabric wrap to wrap my baby on my back because I was curious. She did, and it took a lot of skilful wrapping and my baby felt secure and wasn't crying. It dd feel weird but secure.
I get the fear when I see babies in mum's arms going up escalators.
I had something similar about stairs - about dropping my newborn DS at the top of a flight of stairs. Every time I saw someone with a child near a staircase I would fly into a panic. I would do everything I could to avoid climbing stairs with him. Crazy.
It was some kind of weird post natal thing. I really do understand your anxiety. Stress can trigger some strange responses.
I think you are anxious about something and your anxiety is focussing on this, which is not actually of concern to you. Is your daughter taking part in an activity that worries you or something?
aw pet. That's awful for you. It does sound as though you are reacting to 'other' areas of life that are causing you stress. It probably will go away if your stress/anxiety levels ease up. If it's any consolation, when I'm under stress I have the worst urge to stop and offer needy looking strangers a lift if I'm driving. Luckily, I realise that this is not the done thing, and that it's more about me than them iykwim. I hope it eases up soon
I think bundaberg makes a good point.
You say you've been stressed - I wonder if the wrap fixation your brain performing a kind of automatic displacement activity.
I totally agree Worra! Small babies forced into doing the splits, I really hate it.
have also had the bridge one, also complete terror of a toddler running out and being killed by a lorry - in my dream I just see the trickle of blood under the huge wheel.
For the fabric wraps they're mostly multilayer carries so it would be really hard for the fabric to slip.
I don't think you're that unusual in projecting a nightmare into real life, and it's a fear that people do (unreasonably) have. I had a dream DS climbed into the Moses basket and sat on the baby. We don't use a Moses basket but it freaked me out all the same.
Yes, these intense intrusive type thoughts are linked to stress and anxiety. (I am a mental health nurse)
I used to have a colleague, an experienced therapist, who specialised in dealing with obsessive thoughts. He told me that most people have at least one, but obviously they affect different people to different levels.
When stressed, I get really worried on motorways (especially in contraflow or busy traffic) that I will lose the ability to stay in my own lane. This has never happened bte.
They shouldn't be doing the splits - they should be in a sort of froggy M shape where their bum is the bottom point of the M and the knees are the high points.
I thought the froggy leg position was beneficial to the baby?
If this is causing you problems you should go to your doctor and ask to be referred for counselling.
This level of anxiety is not normal and you should not have to live with it.
Having random negative thoughts is not unusual but if you are unable to deal with them then you should get some help in order to be able to push them away and not dwell on them.
The positioning of the baby's legs is actually good for them, good for the hip development. As opposed to narrow seated carriers which don't support the legs properly for optimum hip development.
I used to get visions of me dropping my baby when I was at the top of the stairs too. I had to give my head a shake a few times to stop my self thinking like that. I still get visions of bad things happening in everyday activities. I guess it's part and parcel of worrying about the most precious things in your life.
I think the trouble is that some don't have their knees up, they are out to the side in a straight line with their body. It looks horrible. My orthopedic consultant hates all slings for babies, recommends prams instead.
Oh I'm sure their legs are fine
As I said I'm BU because I'm sue the babies would cry if they weren't comfy.
It's just to me it looks uncomfortable.
Last year we had a stressful house move that we weren't expecting and could ill afford (served notice on a tenancy) and I was also getting over PND.
I used to have awful nightmares that would stay with me for ages and it was definitely stress. Now I'm pregnant again I'm trying to do all I can to minimise stress and am very aware I'm at risk of depression again.
I try to avoid programmes that are upsetting etc... as I often something awful would just pop into my head and be hard to get rid of.
The baby wrap specifically isn't causing the anxiety any dream you had about something bad happening could carry over into every day life and make you over-anxious about it.
To be honest though I never had a baby wrap because I imagined I'd do it up wrong or something - but that's probably just coincidence!
If you're feeling really distressed though it might be worth nipping to the doctor and explaining what's going on and all the stress you're having to try and make sure it doesn't develop too far - I always go at the first signs now as I'm wary of depression creeping in and it's best to try and prevent it rather than wait until you feel dreadful.
Baby carriers/wraps should always be knee to knee, that is the fabric should support them all the way across. Baby Bjorn's and others like them are very bad for baby hips.
madamginger - baby bjorn type carriers are not bad for 'normal' baby's hips. They may be uncomfy for baby and mother but they are not very bad for either user unless the baby has an underlying hip issue.
Thanks everybody, I appreciate not being told I'm nuts.
I've decided to call my old therapist's office on Monday and see if one of her former colleagues can see me (it's a group practice). She retired in May (stupid therapist, daring to retire when I still had issues to work out!) and at the time I had no desire to start with someone new. But it seems like my mind is trying to tell me something. Probably best to pay attention.
isn't this a it like the imp of the perverse thoughts - yes often stress linked, eg seeing a train and thinking - I could just step out.
but yours is fluffier and a bit less worrying than that
I think it's normal and lots of people have these thoughts about lots of things. I think it is stress linked and it will go away when you are feeling better otherwise. I think you would be unreasonable to actually judge parents who use slings (they are fantastic) and I know that's not what you mean. how many slings have you seen rolling in front of a train on cctv in the news, or tragically hit by a vehicle? I'd say they are statistically going to be safer, at a guess.
I also wince when I see big tall people carrying small children on their shoulders in the city, I worry they'll trip and child will be in A&E pronto with a nasty head injury.
but yes - yab a bit u to worry but hopefully you now realise it's not just you who has thoughts like it and hope your stresses or anxiety levels become better soon.
sorry x posts. I think it's really good that you have the self awareness to post about it and have seen it might just be a sign of underlying problems or things that could be addressed. hope you start feeling better soon.
Do you have a 'safe place thought' you could think about when you start to worry about this stuff. Something like next Christmas or a memory of a holiday? Just an idea.
Im glad you starfted this thread. sorry you are getting intrusive thoughts though.
I have had three different slings now. a wrap, a baby bjorn and a baba....I keep being told that the baby bjorn is not supportive. Her legs kind of dangle. Sometimes her bum looks sore after an hour or two. The baba is a nightmare to do up, it also feels too big and as if she cant breathe in it. The wrap makes me panic when trying to get her out. She feels tangled up and i worry she will fall out. I feel a bit stressed with it really.
PBean, see if you have a local Slingmeet you can get to -- they are fab with helping you find a carrier (and carries!) that work for you. Or if you're near central Southampton I would love to help!
As others have said OP these intrusive thoughts are so common, and slings aren't anything to do with it. Please don't worry, I think this is quite a normal part of being a mum.
Intrusive thoughts, now I know what they are.for years I have had this and it is horrible.
I love dcs but out of nowhere I can be pushing the buggy and think to myself " I could push it in the road" I notice when I think this that my knuckles are white from gripping the handle so tight.
I have all sorts of similarly worrying thoughts like this and have to tell myself to stop it.
Like the idea of a 'safe place thought' I will be using that as a coping strategy.
Good idea about going to see someone. In the meantime, re: the sling anxiety, it might help to think that even if a buckle did come loose no parent would let the baby fall. It's instinct - they might pull every muscle in their body catching it but that baby wouldn't get near the ground x
PBeanandgone, I hope things get sorted out for you. Having a good sling/wrap/bjorn/whatever is invaluable when the baby wants to be held but you need your hands free for other tasks. Which is most of the time.
I also think a "safe place thought" is a great idea, and I'll be trying it.
Not sure if this will help or not...but for us pianodoodle's theory was right. Years ago our sling came loose and dh instinctively caught dd in plenty of time. (and his reactions are not usually speedy)
Is it connected to OCD do you think? I know Pure OCD is very much centered around intrusive thoughts, maybe everyone is on the scale somewhere. It could be worth looking at the coping techniques for this though.
Oh I hate these intrusive thoughts - I frequently wake in the night with visions of something horrible happening to one of the dc, and also get he bridges thing. And the dream I had of dd drowned in the bath....shudder. I took a long time to relax about her baths. You have my sympathy, OP - I hope you are able to get back to your counsellor and it helps.
PBean have you tried Rose & Rebellion, Ergo or Connecta carriers??
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