Or this not on?(149 Posts)
For your husband to decide to go to the pub after work without bothering to let you know when you're at home with his 11 week old baby?
Because that's what my 'D' H did yesterday and I'm not happy. He usually finished around 5 and calls me to let me know he is on the train and then I go and pick him up. When it was nearing 6 with no word from him I tried calling him and emailed him. No response. I called him 3 times in an hour and each call was ignored.
He got in just after 7 and was drunk. Won't have it that he has done anything wrong as he wasn't out late. To me that's not the point. I had no idea where he was and what if I had been trying to contact him in an emergency? He had no idea why I called 3 times but still didnt pick up or call me back.
I look forward to him getting home at night and clock watch as its a small break for me. Obviously as he was drunk I couldn't leave our baby with him at all so I had to do everything myself. He is still in bed now!
well I would be annoyed but it wasn't too late and I think it would depend if it was a one off or a frequent thing
He could have just called you to let you know. It's not that hard.
To clarify, you're pissed off with the failure to communicate rather than the drunkeness?
Yanbu, it's not hard to send a text or make a call, just to say you're having (say) a birthday drink on a Friday and will be on a later train.
He didn't call/text because he was frightened you'd say you didn't want him to go.
I'm pissed off with both. There was no reason for him to go out he just wanted to. By how drunk he was he had obviously left work early to go drinking.
I'm annoyed that he didnt bother to let me know. I'm also annoyed that he thinks its appropriate to come home drunk when WE have a small baby. He obviously assumes that its my job to look after the baby while he does what he likes. Or he thinks that its ok to care for our son when he's drunk and a danger to him.
I think it odd that he didn't call at least to say that he wouldn't need collecting.
I don't think all men get that you have been at home with a baby all day though & are desperately looking forward to them coming home.
I suppose if he knew he wouldn't be long he didn't think that it warranted a call-because he didn't realise that you were counting down to him coming home?
There was no reason for him to go out he just wanted to
Yanbu, he should have let you know but you are being a bit unreasonable about this ^^
Isn't that a reason? He wanted to. This is actually ok y'know - to want to go out for a couple of hours. Is that why he did not let you know? Because he knows that you would not think it was ok?
Oops.OP was only a few minutes ago.Wake him up with a cuppa and hand over baby for a few hours.Don't let it spoil your weekend even though he's a thoughtless git.
He knows I wouldn't have been happy. It was his 2nd night out this week. He was also out twice last week.
Am I the only person who thinks when you have a baby its both parents responsibility then? I can't just decide I'm sodding off out to get pissed whenever the mood takes me so why should he be able to?
It's annoying and I'd have felt the same as you - but from his point of view he went for a drink on a Friday night and was back by 7pm.
You can see why he wouldn't think that was unreasonable?
I'd just say 'can you let me know next time, and can I have the time in lieu please ie I want two hours off tonight at bedtime'?
Defensive much? Most people are totally agreeing with you so you are hardly the "only person" to think that a baby is both parents responsibility. Even I who think YABabitU agree that of course it is both parents responsibility. But that does not mean that on some nights one parent can take responsibility while the other has 2 hours out.
No lie in.
Hoovering needs doing outside the bedroom door, slip a bit on the door too.
I'd be fuming.
no you are not he is bang out of order from what you have said since, it wasnt clear in your OP if it was a one off or a constant entitled attitude.
he is a selfish nob who needs to step up.
dh would have done this once and never ever got away with it again.
X posted. Why can't you decide to go out for a drink with your friends, once he's home? Because you're breast feeding or because you feel you shouldn't or because he's home late?
Yes he got home at 7pm but the time isn't the issue. He was too drunk to be safe to look after his baby. Meaning he had purposefully left work early to go drinking. He didnt even feel he had an obligation to let me know. He certainly didnt think that he ought to come home and give me a break.
Agree with howsuper. Just make sure he does bedtime tonight.
It is still not clear Notyo. Twice this week does sound a bit more of a concern but if that is the first time since baby was born it is not so bad and also depends on how long the first night out was. Lots of parents don't even get home from work until 7 pm and it did mean that OP did not have to leave the house to pick him up. If he normally leaves work at 5 what time does he actually get home - just how late was he?
If he was home by 7 and has a train to get too, how drunk could he realistically have been?
and twice last week I think she said?
Ah, xposts. He'd left work early to go drinking.
yes sorry meant *twicethis this week and last.
I'm breastfeeding so can't go out really.
It's not the going out that bothers me so much. Like I said he's been out plenty. However him going out is at the expense of me getting a break (we don't have anybody within 50 miles that could help). So if its prearranged then fine but to just decide he is going out and then to go without a thought for letting me know? It just tells me that he thinks DS is my responsibility.
Plus I don't think its ok to be rolling drunk with a small baby in the house. Tipsy ok but not as drunk as he was.
Ok sorry I will clarify as I'm
Pretty upset so not being clear.
He didnt get home much later than normal as he finished early on a Friday. However he was really drunk. Seems he had decided to finish work even earlier to get more drinking in. He didnt bother to let me know.
Our set up is such that I have no help except him. So I do need him in the evenings to hold the baby so I can eat dinner and get a few hours sleep before the night feeds start.
He has been out about 8 times since our son was born so its not like it was his first night of freedom.
If he goes out "plenty" then in reality didn't he know exactly why you rang him 3 times last night when he did not answer? Don't focus on hypothetical emergencies. Focus on the real issues of him being disrespectful and entitled (if that is in fact the case).
Wake him up. No parent gets to lie in until this time on a weekend unless you are guaranteed a huge level of reciprocity!
I understand exactly where you're coming from and I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I found it so hard with my first baby that I couldn't wait for my husband to get home in the evening and was upset if he was late. On the face of it, coming home at 7pm rather than 6pm (or whatever time he normally comes home) isn't much, but I would have been upset too. Him ignoring your phone calls and then sleeping in the next morning makes it a lot worse though, in my opinion.
well, I think he was very unreasonable not to text you to say where he was. I think that fact that you are sitting worrying where he is is reason enough to expect him to communicate.
But as for the rest, there are lots of issues here aren't there?
Drunk and the new baby, well, there will be lots of times when one or other of you is incapable whether through drink or illness. It isn't really a big deal (wrt the baby) that he is drunk, as he knew you were there, and baby was well cared for.
But it seems to me that you are actually cross about a wider issue. He was out twice in a week, leaving you in sole charge, and this isn't what you agreed/assumed when the baby was born. So you feel as if he is taking you for granted. You are at home and waiting, and, I am guessing, desperate for a break and some adult time, so when he comes home late, he is denying you that as well.
Wait til he is not hungover and talk about your expectations of each other. Explain why you need him there and why it annoys you when he goes out.
But it might make it easier if you both plan in times out for a drink, after work or with a friend or as a couple. You a both new parents and need to find your way in it.
sorry op, crossed posts with you as it took me so long to type
YANBU some days can seem really long when you have a small baby and an extra hour or two can feel like forever. If I couldn't contact my partner and he came home steaming we would be having words.
Yeah that is pretty rubbish behaviour. The first few months do test your team-working skills and spontaneity isn't really something that works with this.
Try not to go completely ape, he probably just had a logic failure and didn't think it through. You are totally not being U though, it wasn't fair on you for him to just sod off with no contact.
Yanbu. Totally out of order for him to not let you know his plans and to ignore your calls. Some men seem to have no interest in understanding how it feels to be home alone with a (new) baby. Hope you manage to talk today and get your feelings across.
my stb ex did this all the time only would stay out till 4am, I dealt with sick babies, pre term labour & his hangovers and overspending.
I couldn't deal with it any more- so I left after one if these nights ended up with him cheating.
if its a one of I'd have a stern word.
if not I'd lay down the law
so here is what i would do
work out the alcohol expenditure PW
work out the hours PW
then go out and leave him with the baby - you can tell him your spending the money - but in your shoes tbh, i would squirrel away in a new bank account, then go to waterstones - buy a good book
buy a large coffee and almond croissant - and relax for 2 or 3 hours
YANBU at all he's being a thoughtless arse
I don't think he's that unreasonable. I'd only be annoyed that he didn't let me know.
Why don't you just ask for the time back, this what we have always done.
He had time out last night so you can go out this afternoon or arrange that on x night next week you will be going out/ having a friend round and he can look after the baby.
Well I've packed up me and DS and come to my mums.
At his suggestion so that I get a "break". In reality what he meant was so that he can go out again tonight and have the entire weekend to slob around. It's not going to be a break as my mum can't do anymore to help than he can. It's a break for him but may be more permanent than he realises.
He said he has seen my mood slipping more and more over the past few weeks. So his response has been to go out drinking rather than support me and help me? That says it all to me.
OP I totally understand the need for proper support and that you are angry with your DH (and YANBU on either count). However have you at any point actually talked to him and explained what you expect/need? If not then I think YABU to be possibly making this visit to your mum's a permanent split, unless there is other stuff in the background you haven't mentioned yet.
you should have left him with the baby and gone to your mums for a break
i certainly wouldnt of given him an opportunity to go out and piss away my family money AGAIN
But OP is bfeeding & her baby is only 11wks.
Maybe she doesn't want to leave him!
good for you OP.
you don't have to miserable while he runs around town on the piss (personal experience)
strength in numbers on MN
Tigoldbitties the OP having this afternoon off would not equalise things with her dh. She would have to have a scenario where he sits waiting for her to call for a lift, doesn't, stays out a few hours, and then comes home incapacitated in some way so that she can't be asked to do anything with the baby. That would be payment in kind.
In my books, once both parents are home they have the joint job of looking after the baby and the home. Anybody who intends to walk out on a joint job (= dump the other person with their half) needs to let the other person know.
We're assuming that the OP doesn't suddenly walk out on the baby without warning even if the dh is at home. So why is it ok for him?
And incidentally, those of you who think it's perfectly acceptable for the father of an 11week old baby to come home drunk and incapable without warning, would you think the same of any mother who wasn't breastfeeding? Why does it make a difference which one of them?
I can't leave DS as I'm breastfeeding and whoever said I don't want to is right too. He's 11 weeks old. I want to be with him all of the time but that doesn't mean I don't want DH there to help me.
Oh and yes I have spoken to him. He actually did something similar last Friday too which I had a thread about. I didn't mention it because I wanted people's thoughts on just last night. I told him that I felt he had let me down but he didnt agree as he "needed to go out". Despite it being the second time that week.
Sorry Cory - why does it make a difference which one of them what? and who says it does?
I think it is interesting that you say that once both parents are how they have a joint job of looking after the baby. I agree although I think a few SAHPs don't see it as joint - they see the WOHP as having to take over the role and "give them a break" when they get home which is not necessarily always fair to the WOHP parent (I have done both roles).
I would think that any person whining about their partner being out until 7 pm and objecting to their partner going out "just because they wanted to" WBU if this was a one off or even probably once a week TBH (apart from the not bothering to let you know bit which is just rude). Clearly this is a bigger issue than that however although something about a few of the OP's comments do raise slight alarm bells for me. It is OK for DH to want to go out sometimes (OK perhaps not as often as he is) and the fact that you OP want to be with DS "all of the time" does not mean that DH has to and I wonder if you are being a bit...controlling and he is reacting to that. Emotive word (controlling) sorry but I could not think of another.
OP - I am sorry it has come to this and I actually do think he sound utterly selfish in his behaviour today and intending to go out again tonight.
Oh for heaven's sake. He didn't tell you because he knew you'd go off on one and demand he come home to look after 'his' baby.
Does it really matter? Perhaps he had a hard day and a few colleagues invited him for a drink and so he went.
He's a grown man and it's a free country. If my DH did this, I would ask him nicely to text me next time as I had been a bit worried about him. If you immediately kick off at the first minor annoyance, no wonder he was reluctant to call.
OP you sound like your describing my relationship
'oh but the guys are going out'
'a drink after work'
'met an old friend & going for a drink'
'just a game if pool'
next thing I was spending Xmas eve by myself pregnant.
40 weeks pregnant and he went out on my due date.
you don't have too and shouldn't put up with it if it's an ongoing problem.
make yourself happy because its what he's doing
Try harder why shouldn't I ask him to come home and look after his baby?
Kilpepa yes that's exactly it . There's always a reason to need to go out. Had a crap day, had a good day so need to celebrate etc .
He hasn't even contacted me to see if we are ok.
Cory, if the baby was ff and dad was at home looking after it, then why would there be a problem if mum came home drunk after an evening with her mates?
Op, this isn't about one night out or the drunkeness, this is about learning to be as couple with a new baby.
Because you are bf, he just doesn't get the emotional cost of looking after a baby, because he is never in sole charge. I bf, and at this age baby was predictable enough that I could go out for about 2 hours, especially in the morning. Is that possible?
He needs to be on his own with the baby. He needs to learn to be a Dad and to care for the baby. One thing that is very hard in the early days is actually to hand over to dad and make him do it, especially if bf. This is not just your baby it is his baby too, and you really need to give him times when he has to make choices and decisions about the baby (do I change a nappy? Where are the clean sleepsuits? and so on) You may want to be with the baby all the time, but are you actually pushing him out by doing that? If you think parenting is joint, then you need to allow it to be joint, and not your job only.
You guys need to have a long talk, you need to explain how you are feeling and how much you need him at 5pm, after a long day. You need to work out some understandings about committment and what it means. And you need to do something like feed baby on a sat morning, then wake dh up (preferably he wakes himself up) and leave baby with him while you do stuff, even if that stuff is sitting on the sofa having a coffee.
just to make clear though, I think he was out of order for not contacting you. That would p** me off a lot. But this is just revealing a deeper problem IMHO
well I had enough excuses when
'it was my fault he cheated because I hadn't wanted to go out and was now boring'
DS2 was 2 months old and DS1 was 14 months
He does look after him by himself sometimes. It's just that it seems that he feels that's something he does to help me out when he's at home. He doesn't seem to think that its something he should be making sure he is around to do. I feel like his life is the same as ever while my life has been turned upside down.
You're right though that it is a deeper problem.
Oh god you're ex sounds horrendous.
Just because you are unable to go out at night,.doesnt mean he shouldnt, however he should let you know he wouldnt have needed pickig up from work.
It doesnt take two adults to look after one baby, do the fact that he was drunk was irrelevant, really. You could take some.time out while he cares soberly for the baby, to have a nap, a coffee out.or a nice bath or whatever
Im all for a supportive, equal partbership when i
comes to parenting but you do.sound like a martyr.
No it doesn't mean he shouldn't go out.
But doesn't he want to be at home with his baby?
My husband couldn't wait to get home to see
us PFB & have a cuddle!
So mortified do you think that he should be able to go out whenever and as often as he likes just the same as he did before DS was born?
I think he should have the courtesy to say "im off out after work tonight, be back by seven".....pre ds would he go out and be back by seven?
YANBU. The failure to communicate is thoughtless and annoying, but the part that makes him totally U is that he seems to view caring for the baby as your job by default, thus it wasn't necessary to discuss him going for an impromptu pint
or four. I'm not suggesting he needs to ask your permission, but it's a basic courtesy to call and let you know he wants to change the usual arrangements and to check there's no reason he shouldn't.
DH used to do this from time to time and it drove me absolutely loopy, so I decided to do it a couple of times after work while he was home with the kids. It drove him potty too, so he quickly understood that all those times I'd bellowed at him about it, I wasn't trying to stop him having fun but I did expect the basic courtesy of a sodding phonecall!
I just fail to see how having time out for a coffee or a bath at the weekend is a treat for me .
There - that kind of comment there is what makes you sound like a martyr.
What would be a treat for you then if you want to be with DC all the time?
So diddl your DH was doing what he wanted. Selfish git Serious point is that not all people are the same and one is not better than the other just perhaps better suited to their OH than the other.
Soontobe - do you think he should not be going out at all?
Did your DH want this baby?
That's it exactly smite. Last week I was exhausted, feeling unwell and asked him to come home as DS was screaming and I needed some respite. He still didnt leave the pub til over an hour later.
He thinks its ok if he is home earlier than he could be. But that's not my problem. My problem is that I need some respite and I think I have a right to that most nights not as a treat at the weekend or when he's not out.
Its not like he hardly goes out. I think twice a week is a lot for most people let alone those with a young baby?
Yes he did want this baby.
I don't see those things as treats. I think I should get them by rights just like DH does.
I'm not saying he shouldn't go out. I just dont think he should be able to go out whenever he pleases at ghe drop of a hat as though he has no responsibilities.
YANBU. Those early days are exhausting and he's clearly not pulling his weight. I'd be angry and disappointed too.
"So diddl your DH was doing what he wanted."
Yes, but it's not just about that, is it?
A baby is a lifechanger for both parents, & they have to both accept that, grow up & make adjustments imo.
I don't think having a coffee/bath is a treat, but it is a statement that you need 5 minutes to yourself, and he needs to look after ds.
But again, you guys need to sit down and talk about it.
dh and I have this deal, it may help you as a starting point:
dh works x hours during the day at his job.
I work x hours during the day as SAHM.
Before either of us start our ''working day'' we are both at home and therefore in equal responsibility for the kids
After ''work'' when dh is home, we are both there and therefore have equal responsibility for the kids.
Over the years it has changed, but we will do things like take it in turns to do either bath/bed routine or cook dinner, so as baby is put down, then dinner is on the table (well, in an ideal world)
When one is in the shower in the morning, the other is getting baby dressed/giving kids breakfast.
Obviously, there are quite a few things I get done during the day, but when babies were very small, not much got done, and that might mean that at the weekend we were doing shopping/laundry together.
You are very upset and angry with him, and you need to try and find a way of expressing that in a constructive way, so that the two of you can find a way of being parents together.
It is pretty common I think to have these issues about now, it doesn't mean he is a bastard etc, it just means you have some serious readjusting to do.
That is fair enough but given that you don't want to be separated from DC at the moment it is kind of hard to see what a treat for you could be and so, given that this is your choice, I think you do have to try to find some pleasure in the smaller things for now and make them count. And I do not think that DH is unreasonable that he does want to go out. Totally agree though (as I've said all along) with the drop of a hat/not letting you know point. I think you need to talk at some point when he has not just f*cked up so it is not quite so emotive and you hopefully can express your feelings a bit more reasonably.
Since DH wanted the baby then hopefully it is just an adjustment thing. FWIW my DH is pretty fab and is not one for going out but he struggled a little with the DC when they were really new especially since they were bf. He really came into his own when they were around 6 months, being weaned and on the move. I hope your mum has been good support today.
Steppe mum that's how I feel it should be. My DH thinks that him working outside the house is harder than what I have to do. So he doesn't help in the mornings at all. He has told me that it will be an eye opener for me when I go back to work and have to be a parent in the evening.
The thing is (from his perspective) that he has worked all day and then has to help at home too. ie, that he is doing more than his share.
The part he doesn't get is that you have worked all day too (and half the night) You work is physically exhausting (bf and lack of sleep) and so when your day is finished, you don't get to sit down, put your feet up while dinner magically arrives.
It is communicating this idea that you are working which is so hard to get across.
To be fair, once dcs were a little older, I would expect (of myself) that a lot got done during the day, and most household things were my responsibility. so after dcs bedtime, we both then could actually sit down and watch tv. or even have a conversation.
A few practical things - my dh is naturally an introvert and after a busy office day he really really needs 30 minutes of headspace, usually behind a newspaper. Knowing that about him, it really helps me to plan the day to include that space, then he feels much more able to deal with the demands of small baby etc. (not saying he deserves this, just that it works for us, he feels his needs are met a little too in the middle of the chaos) I really needed some sleep, so on sat I fed baby and then went back to sleep and he took kids. We negotiated these things as points to show that we were trying to help each other. Mornings are hard, if his time is short, he may need to shower dress and run. One of my friends got up early every day so she could shower in peace, he had baby with him while he did breakfast/dressed etc. It was worth it for her to have a shower in peace. For me, the extra bed time would have been more important!
negotiate and talk and talk and negotiate. And as the baby grows and changes talk some more.
just re-read his comment about when you go back to work. He really doesn't get it that a small baby is hard work. That right there is the crunch of it.
I think a day's work is sometimes a doddle compared to small bf baby. Different as they get older, but those early days...
Ok OP, YADNBU. And as for his comment about when you go back to work, my personal experience was that it was much easier than being at home with the baby all day!
It isn't about 'treats' for the OP! This is not tit-for-tat! This man has not yet 'opted-in' to family life and it's about time he did!
If the OP felt the same way about her baby as her 'D'H the baby would be being seriously neglected.
Why is it okay in any way for this man to have behaved the way he has? Where is his commitment and his love for his wife and child? Cos I'm buggered if I see any.
He has told me that it will be an eye opener for me when I go back to work and have to be a parent in the evening.
It certainly will be if he carries on the way he has so far.
He definitely doesn't get what hard work it is. He said its much easier being tired sat at home than being tired in work. He thinks I sit in front of the tv all day. Even when I do, and most days it doesn't get turned on, I'm feeding or jiggling DS to get him to sleep. I've usually not had lunch and when I do its eaten one handed.
I am lucky though that all the laundry and housework gets done by the magic fairies .
YANBU. The very least he could have done is ring you and tell you that he was going out, but really, to be fair, he'd have ASKED if that was OK. And as a consequence, because fair's fair, he would then have OFFERED to be in charge on Sunday or something while you have a leisurely bath or go out for a mooch around the shops or whatever it is that you would like and would give you a break. I totally get that you don't want to be away from your baby and nor would I have done at that age, but DH used to eg come and push the pram round after me while I browsed in a bookshop. It was boring as hell for him but it was more of a break than being out on my own for me because I knew DD was fine but I didn't have to take her off and change her nappy or worry that she was hungry or whatever and if she was a bit sad but not hungry, he could do the cuddling and chatting and jiggling.
DH was and is a good, committed and more or less equal parent. Having said that, he really really didn't get what hard work it is until he had to do it alone once a week when I went back to work. At that point, he said sorry. I didn't really need a sorry because he had actually been fine and helped as much as he was able to (I was BFing so he couldn't do feeds but he did do an equal share of everything else) and he was aware that I had been finding it hard and picked up whatever slack he was able to. But he hadn't realised what it's like being on your own with a tiny baby and once he did he felt sorry that he hadn't 'got it'.
Thanks for all of the replies I do appreciate them.
DH doesn't get it that's true and I've tried telling him but he won't have that its harder then him working.
The fact that he actually wanted me to take DS to my mums for the weekend speaks volumes. It's a whole weekend without his son. He isn't even concerned to see whether we arrived at my mums safely. Not even going to start on the fact he let me go when I've only just started driving again and its a motorway journey and I was crying when I left. I think he's made his priorities crystal clear.
i cant see a problem.yabu.
I was going to suggest you left him to look after the baby for say, 6 hours (you could be there to breastfeed only) and hand your DC straight back afterwards - see how much of a fiddle he finds it. However it sounds like you're at crisis point. Does he realise how much of an effect this is having on your marriage? Have you got any mutual friends who could explain how hard it is?
ah sorry i didnt read the last page ony the first two.
I dont see a problem with that alone,but is his attitude towards you and what you do isnt right then you need to sort something out.
His behaviour is awful. Does he often behave selfishly, and disrespectful?
It sounds life he has no respect for you. Before you were pregnant would he make jokes our rude comments about housewives?
Anyway, enough about him. What do you want?
I can't just decide I'm sodding off out to get pissed whenever the mood takes me so why should he be able to?
I know them feels. My ex seemed to think the same, but if I wanted to go out for a haircut I had to "ask his permission" or get his Mum or one of my sisters to babysit because he'd been at work all week and its my responsibility to look after the baby.
Two nights this week and two last week? Whether he was in by 7pm or not, that is a total piss take. Spend the weekend plotting revenge.
*If the OP felt the same way about her baby as her 'D'H the baby would be being seriously neglected.
Why is it okay in any way for this man to have behaved the way he has? Where is his commitment and his love for his wife and child? Cos I'm buggered if I see any.*
There seems to be a LOT of this sort of behaviour going around just lately [:sad:] and being justified by "he works all week" "its his money" "women should stay at home and look after baby its not a mans job"
and be treated like fucking doormats/slaves and dont dare to say a word about it
What I want is a husband who supports me and comes home when he says he will. I've not got it though.
I don't really know where to go from here. He's not contacted me since we left. He is no doubt out yet again enjoying himself and looking forward to a full nights sleep and a whole day to himself tomorrow. Meanwhile I'm at my mums sick with exhaustion and feeling slightly panicky about another night with very little sleep.
The lack of proper sleep is really getting to me now. I've been feeling weepy and low for the past 2 weeks. DH said this morning that he had noticed and his response was to pack me off to my mum not to try and help me himself.
Your last post reminded me of this-
"when someone shows you who they are , believe them."
It sounds like time for some straight talking. Even if you feel you've done so already, you could explain what you expect and if he doesn't agree, at least you know where you stand and have your eyes open.
Oh and I agree there's a lot of "oh that's just men!" around at the moment.
OP I really feel for you. My baby is only a couple of months older than yours and I can't begin to imagine how I'd cope with so little support from my husband. My husband hasn't been out at all since our son was born. Not because I say he can't but because he doesn't want to. He wants to get home to be with his family. As soon as he walks in the door he's looking for his son and picking him up and loving him.
Do you think maybe your husband hasn't bonded with his son? Does he ever rock him to sleep or comfort him when he's upset? Does he ever have time where it's just the 2 of them?
I would love to set him the challenge to be you for one day, so wake him up in the night, feed baby and hand him over for dh to bath, juggle comfort, cuddle etc and make sure there are a couple of normal jobs (load of washing) to do.
Trouble is he is not remotely going to do that.
He needs to know that you are at breaking point. You need to talk. It sounds as if you need a third party to help you talk.
I think he can change, because this is mostly about just not 'getting it' wrt to being a parent. He needs to man up and be a father, and he has to stop behaving as if nothing has changed. \but it is early days, and people can learn, given a proper chance.
Do you have any friends/couple with kids where the man might be able to talk to your dh?
YANBU - but neither are you being anything like realistic !
The child is 11 weeks old.
For how long do you really (honestly) want to leave it with DH ?
A minute ?
Six minutes ?
All this crap about "be you for one day" is utter fantasy because which new mother would actually do that ? Find one...
Which new mother would actually like a week off while dad caters for all that child's needs?
It's a terrible confession isn't it - Moan about it - but you wouldn't ACTUALLY agree to have it any other way!
Men engage when women start to chill out after having kids. Generally takes about six months for BOTH things to happen - i.e. women chill out and men engage - and it was ever thus for good reason.
Pregnant women are a nightmare to their men - new mothers are just like pregnant women only they now have a baby to tell them off about, complain about and scream about.
"I'm going to Mo's".
Hands up which mother of a new born actually wants the man in her life having that child 50/50.
Answer - none.
So try to take a larger view on what has just happened in both your lives 11 weeks ago. Try to be honest to yourself about what you actually want from your man, your future life and your relationship.
From now on, if you can't be absolutely honest, nothing will be easy and all the simple stuff might stop being fun...
KNOW YOURSELF and BE HONEST.
His friend with a baby is out all the time. His wife's mum is over everyday and so he has just got on with his own life which means going out loads and even going to Vegas. So not a great example.
When he is home he takes DS from about 10pm until midnite/1am so that I can get a bit of sleep. DS still wakes every two hours and can be up for an hour. DH and I both probably get the same amount of sleep in hours only his is continuous and mine is broken up.
He told me last weekend that he only feels like he began to bond with the baby recently. However when he gets in he gives a quick cuddle then shoves him
In his bouncy chair. He just wants him to go to sleep so he can get on with watching tv. He complains that he doesn't get much time with the baby but then he has passed up this entire weekend by telling me to go to my mums.
I'm on my knees with tiredness and being here is only making it worse. It means I don't get the few hours sleep before dealing with the baby all night. I've no bottles with me and my mum has been very ill so don't feel that I could ask her to do night feeds even if I did have a bottle with me. As it is she is on the sofa so that I can have her bed. I managed to get DS to sleep at 11pm and he has been up twice already.
MiniMonty shove over and change your name I have lost weight, but don't want to be confused with you.
waits for telling off
Soon he's out of order imho
Its not just the baby that needs loved and cared for, its both of you and he's part of it, or at least should be
Crossed posts soon I'd get his sorry ass doing the night feeds
Sorry minimo you lost me half way through your post.
You're right I wouldn't and don't want to leave DH alone for a day with DS . But that doesn't mean I don't want him here playing an equal role because I do and have said that to him from the start.
couldn't disagree more.
by the way the point about him being her for a day is not because she wants to be away from her child, but because he thinks she is sitting round all day watching tv. And it obviously isn't going to happen.
When my dcs were small babies my dh was fully engaged. He wanted to spend time with his kids, he loved bathing the baby and having cuddles. He was happy to have a baby on his shoulder while he got some breakfast and I had a shower. He came home from work and wanted to see his baby that he had missed all day.
It didn't kick in at 6 months, it kicked in in the delivery suite as he sat there with his son in his arms, I will never forget the look on his face.
Yes, lots of things were down to me, I was bf, I did night times etc, but at any point if we were both home, he would not assume that I was in charge, but rather we would both take responsibility.
But he is an adult that behaves as an adult.
MM your man????
Soon's partner is her partner and a joint parent to their newly born dc. Not her man omg
One thing I will agree with you mini, we do sometimes need to chill out and allow our dh to engage. I see controlling mums who complain about everything their dh does, because he doesn't do it her way.
But I don't get the impression that that is the issue here.
Me neither Steppe OP must be taking dc out to pick him up from the station normally? Grrrr
utter crap. He's a grown adult and a father. You should not have to explain any of this to him. a kind, thoughtful, responsible partner would understand you needed them and why, especially if they've noticed your mood slipping. I am so sad and angry for you. I hope you find some support.
Oh come on. The guys being an utter arse.
I would get this thread moved into Relationships OP.
YANBU. He's a selfish tit who lacks any form of empathy or emotional intelligence. Do you think your mum would help you out for a few days so you can get some sleep and distance from this idiot in order to get yourself together enough to be able to discuss with him calmly/coherently?
OP, unfortunately some people like to come on to these threads and give the woman a kicking while she's down.
As I said earlier, there's been a lot of the "that's just men!" nonsense on the site recently.
I suggest you just ignore it.
Op he is working too you know. It's not like he's out all day having fun, he then has to come home and take over baby duties while you rest so in fact you expect him to work all week including evenings while you get the evenings off? I hope you don't wake him to do the night feeds too ;)
Seriously though I think getting drunk is out of order and I agree with you there. I do think him staying out until 7pm is ok as long as he only has a couple and can help you with the baby when he gets but say only do this once a week and you should tag team and you go out with a friend for a couple of drinks so you can both get away from baby duties. I also think introducing date night would be a good idea too so you can be a couple again. Good luck op.
My mum would help me. I just feel a bit bad asking her to as night feeds are horrendous and it feels unfair to expect someone else to do them. However DS was up every hour last night so I may get some formula and ask her to help me tonight. She came into the bedroom at 7am under the guise of bringing me a coffee but I think was really to see if we were awake so she could get a cuddle from the baby. So I think she would be open to taking him.
I'm supposed to be going out for the first time on Monday evening. DH was going to look after DS. I'm not sure whether to go back home ( I'm 50 odd miles away at my mums) on Monday and leave DS with him and then sleep in the spare room when I get back so that DH has to do the night feeds . It would mean he'd have to give formula and I'd end up with painful engorged boobs so would sort of be cutting off my nose to spite my face. However DH would then have to go to work utterly shattered and may see just how exhausting it is when you get your sleep in hour or two hour snatches.
Or I could just cancel my night out and stay with my mum in the hope that DH then realises that I'm serious about how unhappy with him I am and maybe panics a bit. I don't know.
It's not the OP that shows the problem here it's the full story that comes out in the rest of the thread. This is a continual problem. No, coming home at 7pm once or twice is not the end of the world but if he rolls in too drunk to help with the baby it is a pita.
OP says that her DH has been out 8 times since the baby was born! Why does he need to go out 8 times?!! I would feel just as pissed off if I was OP. Sounds as if he can't be bothered and needs to grow up and I agree OP, his suggesting you go to your mums is just so that he doesn't have to help at all. He sounds completely unsupportive.
Sorry, x posted. If I were you I would stay a bit longer at your mums so that he gets the message.
I wouldn't let this be the reason you give up breastfeeding - surely more resentment bred if that happens. If I were at my mum's with a baby, I'd keep doing the nights but have her take him first thing in the morning while I got a bit more rest, and let her do some more looking after in the daytime so I could rest/sleep/watch tv/go to a shop alone. (Apologies if I've missed that she works). I think a few days of 'hibernation mode' would do you some good.
Mojave I think the first part of your post was joking but just in case then DH doesn't take over properly until I go to bed. He'd be up watching tv anyway so rocking DS in his bouncy chair at the same time is hardly too taxing. Oh but he does hold DS for a while so I can have a "rest" cooking the dinner. The magic fairies that clean the house and have DH's pants and shirts washed and put away knock off just before dinner time so I actually have to get off my arse and cook. Which is annoying because I lose the nice little dent my backside has made in the sofa from sitting watching tv all day.
Actually I'd go home and tell him to start helping or fuck off.
I can understand why you've gone to your mum's by think it'd be better if she was at your home.
Your ex is no doubt quite enjoying his weekend with no responsibilities. It's awful that he hasn't been in touch. No doubt he's just giving you the time you need to calm down though. Well he'll expect you back to get his work shirts laundered and ironed though- remember your place!
Minimonty, have just read this from your post: "Pregnant women are a nightmare to their men". This may explain then why so many men cheat on their pregnant wives, and why violence against partners often begins in pregnancy. They're clearly asking for it.
Yeah I reckon he's had a great time. Probably pulled an all nighter last night with all of today to recover. The resentment I feel over this weekend is going to be hard to get over.
Ah yes, the "yeah well my husband could fuck off to Majorca to a week without telling me and I wouldn't have a problem" brigade. Aren't you all so understanding.
OP is right. It's his baby. Just as much as it's hers. Why are double standards suddenly completely understandable because he's a bloke?
MN is confusing of late.
I wouldn't have a problem with DH going for a drink after work and 7pm is not late to be back. But I would be furious if he was rolling home drunk!
Very selfish indeed. I think I would be staying at my Mum's for a bit longer
Seriously ! Your dh needs a massive kick in the behind.
He sounds immature and selfish.
Firstly if I would stop cooking and cleaning for him - let him do his own laundry and housework and make his own bloody dinner. Next time he s on his way home let him make his own way from the station. I am so angry on your behalf. He really needs to pull his socks up. Write it all out - how unsupportive and idiotic and jeuvenille he is being. Let him know how all consuming it is having a young baby and bf, then write out how utterly disappointing and what a failure as a father and partner he is, let him know how deeply he is hurting you and his child and how neglectful hurtful and selfish he is.
He sounds indulged and protected.
His behaviour isn't acceptable at all.
For today, as your mum is willing to help with the baby, would she watch him for a couple of hours while you sleep and just bring him to you for feeds?
Do go on your planned night out tomorrow, even if it's just for an hour or two. Your husband needs to learn to take some responsibility
You're right that your H thinks he gets to take time out from being a dad when he fancies but you are on duty 24 hours. However, I think the laundry and housework fairies can certainly decide to freely drop responsibilities. I would focus solely on looking after your baby for the next few weeks. Let your H do his own laundry. Eat your dinner before he gets home from work because you weren't sure whether or when he was coming home - he can do his own. Housework can be done at weekends, with H doing either housework or childcare.
He doesn't get to opt out of parenthood and still expect a full housekeeping service.
I don't think you're being unreasonable in expecting him to tell you he was going out, that's got nothing to do with a baby that's just courtesy.
When my DD was that little I would literally count down the minutes until DH was due home, and if he wasn't I'd be on the phone asking where he was and why he wasn't home. With hindsight, he didn't (and still doesn't) get how hard it is being at home all day with a baby - waaay harder than being at work.
And your comment about his life being unchanged - snap. But don't be a martyr - make plans for yourself and tell him what you're doing and leave him to it. If not a bath and a coffe then a run, or hairdressers - whatever is a break for you.
It's hard when a baby is that little you're both so tired things do get blown out of proportion, and it's nearly impossible to have a conversation without it degenerating into who's more tired, or does more. But that's probably what you need - a conversation about what you both need and expect - both write it down if it helps (it can keep things calmer), and read each others. You may find you're closer than you think....
it's nearly impossible to have a conversation without it degenerating into who's more tired
^^ this exactly.
I'm concerned from your messages that you are doing cooking/cleaning but not resting properly or feeding yourself well during the day. You need to look after yourself first to look after your baby properly.
Do you go to any baby groups? I found more experienced mothers invaluable for support and advice.
Yanbu, he should have let you know.
Your turn next to go out, or if you can't do that because of bf or whatever, arrange for your oh to take the baby out for a whole afternoon so you can nap or watch a film or whatever.
I do think you need time apart (from eachother and the baby) and to continue with your social lives, as it is important, so yabu if you don't want him going out like this ever.
It's not that I don't want him going out ever, like I said before he has been out plenty. But it's just been getting silly and he needs to realise he doesn't have the freedom he used to have. Neither of us do.
He finally contacted me to ask how DS was.
YANBU to expect a call to tell you he will be an hour late, dictating when he can go out though is BU.
I think you are overreacting, he works all day, comes home and is expected to take over care whilst you sleep and you say you both get the same hours sleep yet you can stay home the next day whilst he has to do his job.
I always love the "dont cook or clean for him" yet he is still expected to go out and earn not just to provide for himself but two others. Double standards at play again.
Can you spend this week expressing and freezing your milk with the understanding that at 5pm on friday he takes over baby duties until Sunday night and you go and stay with a friend/go out clubbing/go to your mums for 48hours sleep(!)?
Once he has experienced being a full time parent for a couple of days he may actually understand what you're going through and have more empathy.
We happymummyofone where did you get that he is out working to support me? I have my own income.
Did he ask how you were when he got in touch?
Yes he did in a half hearted " and you"? text but I haven't replied.
I'd stay at your mums until you've recovered a bit more tbh. Doesn't sound like he is particularly up for an adult discussion at the moment. Would you really enjoy a night out when you're this knackered and frustrated anyway? Get your body and mind sorted first and then deal with everything else.
YANBU at all and I find his thread ridiculously unsupportive of a very new mum having a tough time.
I remember your other thread about finding things difficult . I had PND first time round even with plenty of support so I can't imagine how hard it must be with so little. I'm glad you're at your mum's.
Do you think you might be down at all?
I'd start expressing milk so he can do feeds and get yourself to gps as sounds like you could be going down a bit - its worth keeping an eye onx
I think you are overreacting, he works all day, comes home and is expected to take over care whilst you sleep and you say you both get the same hours sleep yet you can stay home the next day whilst he has to do his job.
Yeah OP. He has a job to do, you know. Quite why you haven't ironed his newspaper, microwaved his slippers and packed his pipe for him by the time he's home after a day of being a hardworking man, I don't know. Such overreaction.
Yes I've definitely been feeling a bit down. I adore DS but its so monotonous. He isn't the best sleeper and I get no time where I'm not being a mummy . I don't get an evening cos by the time we've eaten its time for me to go to bed so that I can get a couple of guaranteed hours sleep before DS comes to bed and the night wakings begin.
There is a reason they use sleep deprivation as torture - it bloody works! You sound beyond tired right now and I can remember those early days and how much it messes with your mind, coupled with feeling like nothing more than a milk machine/maid/servant/shell of a former human being.
Your DH is being a dick and sounds like he just doesn't get how hard it is because he hasn't made that many changes to his lifestyle by the sound of it and you have. I would tell him clearly how unhappy you are and why but I would avoid any major decisions about your relationship until you feel yourself. Am not saying you are incapable of rational thought right now btw (he Is still being huge thoughtless shit) but you may feel differently once the broken sleep fog lifts or at least be able to argue it out better iykswim.
Happymum the OP is working too - she is working 24 hour days at the moment with very little in the way of breaks / sleep, because she is doing ALL the childcare. It's just that her work isn't paid and she doesn't get to clock off early and go to the pub.
Why should she also be a cook and housekeeper when she is already on duty far more than full time?
yeah OP your just sitting in that house twiddling your thumbs while that poor hard done by man works hard for those pub trips!
happymumofone seems to have time travelled from 1953...
are we still allowed the right to vote?
Well I got back home about an hour and a half ago. I handed the baby over straight away and after ten minutes he was asking me to take him for five minutes while he finished cooking his dinner. Was tempted to say no deal with it like I have to when you go out and leave me to juggle the baby and trying to prepare and eat a meal. I didn't though.
I've now come to bed and left DS with him. We haven't talked as I'm not in the mood to be anything other than bitchy to him. Pretty sure he didn't sleep here last night.
try and get some rest and tomorrow start thinking about expressing so he can take his share of the feeds. You need to get proper times of sleep, even if he does last at night and first in morning you will have had longer, I used to feed then H would do winding/changing etc. have you thought of that?
I think it's only polite and adult to keep a partner up to date. He should have rung and said he'd make sure you got a longer break over the weekend. He is being selfish!
I wish everyone here who hasn't breastfed would stop telling the op to "just express" so dh can do the night feeds and let her sleep. Do you understand how it work's? Do you realise the op will have to get up and pump any and all missed feeds- that's nature.
Bfeeding is knackering, but expressing to try & teach OH a lesson seems ridiculous to me tbh.
Plus, unless in another room, baby will probably wake her anyway!
And what's the betting that something would happen meaning he'd take the baby through to her for a feed anyway?
But that's not even what OP is wanting, is it?
Just some help of an evening with the baby so that she can do stuff more easily!
I'm not even sure she's asking him to do anything apart from hold baby tbh!
Yes have breast fed several and also used pumps to express I am not saying anything I haven't done myself
Well the weather has put paid to me going out tonight anyway. DH has also not been able to make it into work so I've given him the baby to look after. I've not had a rest though as I've had loads to sort out at home before guests arrive later this week.
I'm only speaking to him when I have to as I'm even more furious now I'm back. He hasn't lifted a finger at home all weekend which just reinforces my belief that he went out Saturday and didnt come back until yesterday. I came back last night to him cooking himself the chicken that I had bought for our dinner on Friday. The dinner we never had because of him coming home drunk. He didnt cook it properly though so he was on the loo all night . Serves him right!
I handed the baby over straight away and after ten minutes he was asking me to take him for five minutes while he finished cooking his dinner. Was tempted to say no deal with it like I have to when you go out and leave me to juggle the baby and trying to prepare and eat a meal.
So next time say exactly this. Or go out for the day and leave him with the baby (HIS baby). Get home and moan about there being no dinner/clean clothes/the washing up not being done. Put him in the same position he puts you in. See how he likes it.
I am usually a more conciliatory type than this, honest! But he is royally taking the piss and needs a shake.
Not speaking really won't help YOu have to tell him what is the matter and try and work through it,. If hes noticed you are 'down' as he put it then you go away for the weekend and come back and aren't talking he won't be a ble to guess why you aren't speaking.
He thought he was doing a good thing for you by sending you up to mums for the weekend and if you;d only just come in and then he wanted you to have the baby so he could finish cooking isn't that what you do to him every day? I know you are the primary carer but you are starting to sound as if you both find your baby a chore and you are determined to 'show him' how hard being a mum is?
I'm not defending him and his going out but if all you ever do is grumpily pass him the baby and then sulk if he doesn't then you both sound childish.
You are starting to sound a bit whingy tbh.
And yes I've had babies and PND and grandchildren and dds with PND, perhaps thats why I can recognise that the way this is going is only going to end badly if you both just want to be right.
No he didn't send me to my mums thinking it was a nice thing. He did it because friends had in tied him out and with me out of the way he could go and stay out all night. He knows why I'm annoyed.
I give him the baby do that I can cook dinner for him after I have cared for him alone all day. He gave me the baby after having been partying all weekend so that he could cook his own dinner. It wasn't dinner for me. Big difference I think.
Your last sentence says it all 'I think' Exactly my point. You are BOTH soo determined to prove your points you've stopped communicating and I'd be really surprised if he 'knows' why you are angry. Stop wasting your precious energy trying to be right and get together fgs you are supposed to be on the same side and sulking and not talking(both of you) will get you nowhere - What you have tried hasn't worked so why not be radical and talk to each other?
You have had the perfect time today when you are both in, instead you are still not speaking?!
Soon you may find the relationships board is more useful than AIBU.
I would be the most furious that he drank so much on an empty stomach that he came home drunk at only 7pm. That is being ridiculous and irresponsible and something a teenager might do, not a grown man , father and partner/DH.
Inconsiderate at not contacting you and selfish.
But YABU by being stroppy, wanting revenge with tit for tat and not like sensible adults sorting things out by talking.
YANBU to be angry with him, though. He should be ashamed of his behaviour to you and for his own immaturity.
The relationship boards may not call a spade a shovel but they will still call it a spade. Neither board is tolerant for long of people using them to vent whilst not actually attempting to resolve anything or communicate.
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