To not allow swimsuit stealing MIL to just 'drop in'

(281 Posts)
fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 10:19:14

Posted many times about MIL.

DSD lives with us full time and MIl very VERy OTT with her/us - she used to be at our house nearly everyday, would take washing home, without permission, took her swimsuit home, is just generally a nightmare.

She recently kicked me out of her car in the rain, told me I was a rude bitch and tried to drive off with DS.

Now, in the interests of civility we have been rubbing along ok, but we have barely seen each other.

DSD had a plastic dressing table thing. We bought her a new grown up one and are passing on the small one to her cousin.

It comes with various accessories, hair brush, pretend perfume bottle etc.
MIL has taken the dressing table to her house as she is seeing the cousin next week before we do.

She has left the lid (small, plastic) of one of the 'perfume bottles' here. She has described where it is. I am seeing her tonight.

She wants to 'pop over' on Tuesday to find it herself. I have suggested I just give it to her tonight when we see her. She is not happy with this, wants to come on Tuesday. I have explained that I have a friend over on tues, may be in and out, is not convenient. She wants me to leave a key out for her and feels I am being completely unreasonable.

Am I? I can't see it anymore as I am too embroiled!

Well done if you have waded through the tedium and got this far!

Icelollycraving Fri 25-Oct-13 10:22:19

Read your other threads,I think take it tonight. Stop any further discussion on it.

CheeseandPickledOnion Fri 25-Oct-13 10:23:27

YANBU!

She's trying all her old tricks. Take it with you tonight, why wouldn't you?

FriskyHenderson Fri 25-Oct-13 10:23:44

Take it tonight. Does she still have a key?

KhunZhoop Fri 25-Oct-13 10:23:49

Just take it tonight, don't discuss it with her. And definitely don't let her pop round!

ShatnersEmptyCatacomb Fri 25-Oct-13 10:23:53

Give it to her tonight. That will be the end of it.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 25-Oct-13 10:24:30

So shes still being a nightmare! Just give it to her tonight

asmallandnoisymonkey Fri 25-Oct-13 10:24:44

I remember your previous threads about this woman. YANBU!
Do not give her the key, do not let her drop in. Frankly you've done more than is needed in explaining why she can't do it, all she needs to hear is 'no.'.

You've been polite and reasonable so far, just keep it up and remain firm. Good luck!

purplewithred Fri 25-Oct-13 10:24:54

Take it tonight. End of.

coppertop Fri 25-Oct-13 10:24:58

I remember your other threads.

She needs to stay out of your house. Either she accepts it tonight or you post it directly to the cousin.

yoshipoppet Fri 25-Oct-13 10:25:20

I bet she left it behind on purpose. So she could have a 'good excuse' to come back.

MsVestibule Fri 25-Oct-13 10:25:47

Can't you just take if over to her tonight, regardless of whether she wants you to? Then she'll have no reason to come over on Tuesday. Is she really likely to push it back to you and say "No, I'm making a special journey on Tuesday to collect it"?. I know she's barking (I remember your previous posts about her) but she wouldn't have a leg to stand on with this one.

LEMisafucker Fri 25-Oct-13 10:26:08

Give it to her tonight - don't be cowed by this woman - she is barking

CookieLady Fri 25-Oct-13 10:26:56

Take it with you tonight. Smile sweetly as you hand it over and explain you were only thinking of saving her time and effort. thlwink

DameDeepRedBetty Fri 25-Oct-13 10:27:43

Yes I remember previous threads. Take it over tonight. The last thing you need is her re-starting her invasions of your home again!

Bloody hell - this is a marathon rather than a sprint isn't it?!

Do not ever let her have unsupervised access to your housekeys. She'll copy them - you know she will.

Toddlers push and push at boundaries until they are quite sure they're in place. This is what your MIL is doing. Plenty more of this, I fear...

HumphreyCobbler Fri 25-Oct-13 10:28:50

she couldn't be more blatant in her desire to get into your house whilst you are not there. It would be so NORMAL just to give it to her tonight, the fact that she cannot see that her behavior is so far from what an ordinary person may expect is rather worrying.

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 10:32:27

Phew! I didn't think I was BU but I am a bit prickly about at the moment so it's difficult to tell! I will definitely bring it tonight.

No way was I going to leave my key out for her!! Took long enough to get the last one from her!

kimdeal Fri 25-Oct-13 10:33:33

UANBU-AYKI (and you know it, or at least you would were you not so embroiled) - what a pain in the bum. Yes to taking the key over this eve. Some people eh.

kimdeal Fri 25-Oct-13 10:34:26

xpost with you! grin (you are TOO embroiled!). Sympathy!

kimdeal Fri 25-Oct-13 10:34:57

Not the key! The lid! Arses.

PerpendicularVincentPrice Fri 25-Oct-13 10:36:21

I agree, take it over tonight and do not give her a key. I suspect she'd just copy it and take it as an excuse to snoop around when you weren't there!

CallMeNancy Fri 25-Oct-13 10:36:55

Just find it and take it to her. Don't discuss it.

Hand it over infront of someone else so she can't refuse to accept it.

CalamityKate Fri 25-Oct-13 10:40:28

Take it tonight. Nothing else makes sense. She's choc full o' nuts.

She doesn't give up, does she?

I think at some point you or you DH need to be incredibly specific: "we don't want anyone, not you, not anyone, in our house when we are not there. It is not open for discussion"

She is still trying to undermine you, to invade your space and mark it as her territory.

I don't say this lightly as I've known a few but what a fucking space cadet she is shock

Jengnr Fri 25-Oct-13 10:43:04

What are her given reasons for not wanting to get it tonight?

She is being completely absurd (but you know that from previous snoopy unreasonableness)

GreenGiant3 Fri 25-Oct-13 10:45:05

YANBU!!

just had a look at your other threads. RE MIL what a nutter!! Take it tonight, don't give her a key she's lost the plot, such a weird woman being offered it tonight even though you "found" it but still saying she wants to come find it... shockconfused

Let us know how tonight goes.. Good luck!! smile

Hopasholic Fri 25-Oct-13 10:47:38

I remember your last thread. Is DH going with you tonight? If so, let him do the 'hand over of the perfume bottle' and tell HIM to tell HER that she's not to enter your house when you're not there. It's HIS mother and he needs to support you on this.

I know it's hard, I have a very similar situation where my mil deliberately keeps something back of the DC's so she can just 'pop' in. She sees plenty of them but it's never enough.

She has developed other strategies now but I'll not bore you with that!

Annonynon Fri 25-Oct-13 10:48:29

You need to be very clear on your boundaries with her, because so far she has treated you appallingly and you have just let her

She should be counting herself lucky you are speaking to her at all after her last stunt let alone demanding access to your house when it suits her

There is a lot of truth to the sentiment of people only treating you as you let them and so far the message she is getting is that no matter how badly she behaves you will allow her to continue calling the shots

YouTheCat Fri 25-Oct-13 10:49:52

Take it. It takes all the bluster out of her sails and gives her nothing to come over for.

If she goes off on one tell her she would be opening your house up to burglars if she told you to leave a key for her somewhere and how would she cope knowing she had potentially made her dgd have to deal with having her things stolen?

Tbh I don't know why you bother having anything to do with her. I'd let your dh do all the dealing with his mother crap and not be drawn into any of it.

MrsCinnamon Fri 25-Oct-13 10:50:09

She's trying to get that key back and of course will keep it.

Of course you will give her the missing lids tonight, what else? If she refuses to take them you can post them to the cousin. I'd be out on Tuesday when she's planning on coming over. Take your friend to a coffee shop.
She wants to resume the controlling behaviour you have put a stop to.

KhunZhoop Fri 25-Oct-13 10:51:46

The fact that she knew precisely where it was suggests she deliberately left it behind so she could use it as a pretext to come back for it.

pianodoodle Fri 25-Oct-13 10:52:31

I haven't even read the other threads about your MIL but it sounds to me like a lame excuse to snoop about while you're not in!

CalamityKate Fri 25-Oct-13 10:55:51

If she kicks off, just laugh.

"MIL, what's the problem? Why on earth are you getting so worked up?? It's far easier for us to give it to you now! Honestly you are funny....."

TessCackle Fri 25-Oct-13 10:56:16

Totally agree with pp. she's left that lid on purpose as an excuse to snoop, steal clothes and do your washing!!

She's a total loon grin

coppertop Fri 25-Oct-13 11:00:20

I predict that she'll be looking for more excuses to get into your home over the next few weeks and months. They'll all be designed to look as though she's just doing you or someone else a favour.

RabbitsarenotHares Fri 25-Oct-13 11:01:11

I would love to know how she manages to justify her visit on Tuesday? I mean, you're seeing her tonight so it makes sense to take it to her then, especially as she's told you exactly where it is. So how is she trying to explain why her popping over on Tuesday is the better idea? I really can't imagine.

Take it to her tonight and let her come up with another excuse reason why she needs the key.

Oldraver Fri 25-Oct-13 11:04:21

Yes to handing the top over and telling her she doesn't need to come over.

GrumpyRedhead Fri 25-Oct-13 11:06:29

I have one piece of advice for you, having read your other thread.

Any time you think you might be being unreasonable when it comes to your MIL, you aren't! grin

EldritchCleavage Fri 25-Oct-13 11:06:52

Wow, pushing boundaries in a toddler-stylee or what? It defies all common sense to want to make a special trip in your absence to pick up something you can hand over when you see her tonight.

But word of warning: this shows that involving MIL in even simple family arrangements is going to be used as an opportunity to override your boundaries. Another time, it would be better to cut out MIL and make a trip to the cousin directly to hand things over.

All MIL needs to know is-

1. You can't have a key
2. You can't have access to your house when you aren't there
3. Stop asking, 1 and 2 aren't going to change, BECAUSE YOU ABUSED THE ACCESS WE GAVE YOU.

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 11:07:12

She will be in the area on Tuesday.
For a lot of the conversation, she wouldn't tell me where it was. Not until I had made it VERY clear that she wasn't welcome to come over onTuesday, and shot down all of her reasons as to why it wouldn't be an issue.

She has text me saying she is suspicious as to why I am so adamant that I don't want her to come when my friend is there. Is there a reason why my visitor had to remain secret? Because she has a duty to let DH know if she suspects I am having a man round. Or perhaps I am embarrassed of her?

Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 11:09:01

Honestly the reason I couldn't make the trip to this cousin myself is because it is DSD's mother (cousin on her side) that she is passing it on to.

I do see her myself when she occasionally decides to see her daughter but not often and not if I can help it.

EldritchCleavage Fri 25-Oct-13 11:09:02

Text back: 'Yes, it is a man. And yes, you embarrass me'!

Gwan, gwan!

Featherbag Fri 25-Oct-13 11:09:17

Bloody hell, she doesn't give up easily does she?!

oldwomaninashoe Fri 25-Oct-13 11:10:30

Has she "hidden" it somewhere so she is the only one that knows where it is? and that is why she wants to come round Tuesday because you will not be able to find it?

PalakPaneer Fri 25-Oct-13 11:11:31

Seriously, you need to rip the plaster off. I wouldn't put up with text's like that. I would tell your DH that you no longer want to deal with her and ask him to deal with them. They are HIS family, not yours. I bet your DH doesn't have to go backwards and forwards with your family does he?

kimdeal Fri 25-Oct-13 11:11:37

Hahah Eldritch - do it OP, do it!

Inertia Fri 25-Oct-13 11:12:40

OFFS. Because of course if you were having a man round you'll tell your MIL that you were having a friend round.

Give her the lid tonight. If she deliberately leaves it wherever you are going do not take it back to your house - leave it at the restaurant or wherever you are going.

She still doesn't recognise that she's being utterly unreasonable, does she? I would really start to make as much distance from her as possible for a while.

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 11:14:01

I might tell her it is my friend who is a lesbian. (She's terrified of 'the lesbians') if I'm going to have a fantasy affair it might as well be with someone who would REALLY horrify her!

momb Fri 25-Oct-13 11:15:11

She must be cursing her own foolishness for not waiting until tomorrow to let you now she had left the bottle top! Then you wouldn't have been able to drop it off so easily.
Never, never give her a key!!

EldritchCleavage Fri 25-Oct-13 11:18:48

I was being flippant earlier. In RL I would either ignore and get DH to deal with it, or text 'Oh for heaven's sake, woman, grow up!' And I mean that quite genuinely, that's not words on a screen bravado.

shewhowines Fri 25-Oct-13 11:19:58

Broken record. "We are not letting anyone have access to our house while we are not there"
"Because we don't want to" in response to every argument back.

Don't bother explaining. You'll twist yourself in knots arguing and counter arguing. There is no point in being subtle to avoid offending her. Her hide is as thick as a rhino and she will be offended whatever you say..

Jengnr Fri 25-Oct-13 11:22:14

What a bitch. She can't get her way so you must be having an affair. Make sure you tell your husband.

And yes, get 'the lesbians' onside. Even better, fill your house full of stereotypically lesbian looking women on Tuesday. And close the curtains as she drives past smile!

zipzap Fri 25-Oct-13 11:25:43

I'd just text her back with a simple Yes! And leave her to ponder on it.

Or maybe if you feel the need for something longer - text - the friend was so upset by your behaviour throwing me out of car etc etc and she's not as polite or tolerant of bad behaviour as I am. I didn't think you could cope hearing the truth about your behaviour.

HexU Fri 25-Oct-13 11:27:36

YANBU

You have the right idea about giving it to her tonight - if she kicks up a fuss state you were saving her a journey and ignore any fuss.

I'd ignore the text - why give her attention - but tell your DH and ask him to say something to her about how inappropriate they are.

KirjavaTheCorpse Fri 25-Oct-13 11:32:40

Christ she's a woman obsessed. I vote a gentle prod in the lesbian affair direction.

fluffyraggies Fri 25-Oct-13 11:35:06

Definitely tell DH/show him the text. That is unbelievable! The bare bloody cheek of it!! angry

How dare she hint at you having an affair! Lordy!

Can your DH take the bottle top over with you? And tell her right there and then to back off and wind her neck in. Especially about the man friend thing. He can also say the reason neither of you want her 'popping in' is because of her recent behaviour. If she can see she is annoying him as well as you she should sloooowly learn. Maybe.

Everything you have to do with this woman is going to be turned into an opportunity for her to be a cow to you from now on. Just don't involve her in anything fairy.

flowers

Annonynon Fri 25-Oct-13 11:36:10

Why on earth would you let her talk to you like that?

fluffyraggies Fri 25-Oct-13 11:36:32

She needs to know that you have shown him her text and that you and he are unit. Not to be divided.

FunnyRunner Fri 25-Oct-13 11:42:03

She is mad, mad, mad! Quite mad! grin

Sorry OP it's a nightmare for you but honestly, I do enjoy reading about her antics and thanking baby Jesus and the saints that my MIL is lovely

It's all a bit sad really, isn't it? She obviously wants to see more of DSD and is desperate to feel involved but she can't seem to see that acting like a lunatic home invader isn't going to endear her to anyone.

I think you're unspeakably rude to your MIL. Let her come round on Tuesday and have a look for it herself. I'd be extra welcoming too in order to make up for how nasty you're being atm. You should get in extra biscuits and a plentiful supply of tea. You'll need them anyway for your new role of hosting the local fusion Lesbian and Naturists Tuesday Tea And Biscuits group. Invite your MIL round. Be inclusive. You can all play hunt the top together and she can see exactly how welcome she is. Smile lots. Introduce her to everybody. It's your duty.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Fri 25-Oct-13 11:45:50

1) You are NEVER being unreasonable when it comes to this woman. I get a sinking feeling when I see you've posted a new thread because I can't imagine what new insane stunt she could be pulling this time.

2) PLEASE tell her the lesbian friend line.

3) You might like to know that your MIL makes my frequently batshit crazy one look positively saintly.

GeraldineFangedVagine Fri 25-Oct-13 11:48:10

If it were me I would leave several massive dildo's, some ky jelly, a selection of phallic fruits and vegetables and three tins of squirty cream on the coffee table. Id give her the keys and be out when she comes round. Let the drama unfold.

timidviper Fri 25-Oct-13 11:49:44

It's a bit like dealing with trolls, any crumb of sustenance you give her will make her worse. Do not engage!

Agree with those who say show your DH the text as well

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 11:50:01

bloodystumps I would love you to give me an example go how I'm 'unspeakably rude'

diddl Fri 25-Oct-13 11:50:46

Give her the lid, change the locks & tell her that you don't want her round when your friend is there as she is an embarrassment.

Well she did ask!

littlewhitebag Fri 25-Oct-13 11:54:35

I think bloodystumps is being tongue in cheek!

ILoveTomHardy Fri 25-Oct-13 11:55:01

OP - I think that BloodyStumps was being sarcastic about your MIL.

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 11:56:33

Shit! Sorry I'm very tired and very grumpy and having humour fail!

Mim78 Fri 25-Oct-13 11:57:43

take it tonight. That is sooner than Tuesday so there is no reason for her to prefer to come then. Once she has it there is no reason for her to say she wants to "pop over".

fluffyraggies Fri 25-Oct-13 11:58:55

Ha ha, my hair all started to stand up on the back of my neck when i started to read show's post too OP grin

Like - whaaaaaaaaat?

But she was joking smile

ILoveTomHardy Fri 25-Oct-13 12:00:34

Your MIL is bang out of order and will continue to be bang out of order until someone puts a stop to it. If it were me, which I appreciate it isn't, I wouldn't have her in my house ever again until she can show some respect to you and your family.

Annonynon Fri 25-Oct-13 12:00:57

Have you replied to her? At the very least I would send a 'how dare you' message

Why are you putting up with this op? You really really don't have to

shimmeringinthesun Fri 25-Oct-13 12:01:01

Fairy, I've followed all your threads on your MIL and my heart goes out to you, and to any others who have to deal with this vitriol and stupidity on a daily basis. It is just not acceptable.

So:
NO - no to ever, ever, ever letting that woman have a key EVER again.
NO - to her dictating as and when you do anything EVER again.
NO - this is a great big NO to her getting away with ANY insinuations, no matter how ridiculous they are....her bloody duty to inform....dear god

It's your life to enjoy....keep her out of it, and Good luck.

Do they not teach sarcasm/tongue in cheekiness/passive aggression in schools anymore? Am I not in England? Pshaw!

I was being deadly serious. You owe this courtesy to your poor excluded MIL. You need to make her very, very welcome. And the surprise lesbian party is just the way to do it.

mineofuselessinformation Fri 25-Oct-13 12:10:00

Why on earth are you worrying about this? If it was anyone else, you would say no immediately. On a lighter note, I think you should tell her you're tempted to 'bat for the other team' and make a pass at her - it sounds like you wouldn't see her for dust! grin

HoleyGhost Fri 25-Oct-13 12:10:39

Ignore the text, she is trying to goad you.

Give your DH the bottle top to hand over and show him the text. Disengage from MIL until she gets off the warpath.

HoleyGhost Fri 25-Oct-13 12:13:23

Any response from you will be twisted madly and used against you

<bitter experience>

Just ignore her brattish behaviour, screen her calls and busy yourself with better people

hermioneweasley Fri 25-Oct-13 12:14:29

Didn't she go spare at you at a weight watchers meeting and talk to you appallingly? If I am remembering the right occasion then I am flabbergasted that you are speaking to her at all.

ChasedByZombees Fri 25-Oct-13 12:14:32

Well she really couldn't be more obvious could she?

Bringing it round to her tonight is the most logical thing from her perspective. It's less effort for her and she gets it quicker.

Forcing another option that is more out of her way means she has an alternative agenda.

Insisting that you must be having a man round or you're embarrassed of her is just weird.

I would reply, "you're not welcome on Tuesday because I have plans and you cannot respect any normal social boundaries. This is not your house. You do not get to dictate when you will visit".

It would lead to fireworks though...

PrimalLass Fri 25-Oct-13 12:15:45

Just forward her text to your DH. Then text her back and let your know that it is OK because you have passed her suspicions on.

rumbleinthrjungle Fri 25-Oct-13 12:15:50

I'm with Rabbits. I'm fighting the urge to egg you on to ask her to explain why she HAS to come get this item Tuesday instead of take it from your hand tonight, just for sheer entertainment value. That's an explanation I'd love to hear. Bad I know. Although making yourself an amused audience is probably a lot less stressful a role for you than being a participant in the games.

A happy "Nope, not convenient" or "I don't want to do that" is all that's really needed, getting drawn into justifications, discussion and details puts her back in charge and supports her belief that she's entitled to them. (Like expecting a foolproof undefeatable reason that she agrees with as to why she can't come instead of accepting 'no'.....confused ) These are power games.

Deep breaths and wine. Just think, it may be hell but you're collecting material for a fantastic book here, it'll make Bridget Jones look boring as hell.

YouTheCat Fri 25-Oct-13 12:17:43

I'm with Stumps and her surprise lesbian party. grin

Do it. Video it. Make £250 on you've been framed.

NatashaBee Fri 25-Oct-13 12:19:54

YANBU at all, I remember your other threads. I am in awe at your patience. I would have your DH respond to her allegations about a man coming round, just to show her that she can't drive a wedge in between the two of you by making accusations like that.

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 12:20:10

hermione yes that was the incident.

I wasn't planning to talk to her ever again.
She sent me flowers and actually apologised in the end.

We aren't really talking over and above basic civility.

She is crazy, difficult, and awful, yes. But I do want my children to have a relationship with their grandmother. I'm not foreseeing happy family meetings but I at least can remain civil so my children get to see her.

I am a fairly non confrontational person and I feel that I can deal with her now she is not so involved with us - I think that was a BIG DEAl...

I don't like the way she treats me, no. But it's a bit of a 'pick your battles situation'.

kiriwAnyFuckerwa Fri 25-Oct-13 12:21:17

Your MIL is a right goady fucker isn't she? I'd ignore that email

She definitely left the lid behind on purpose.

pigsDOfly Fri 25-Oct-13 12:21:28

Oh dear god Fairy. I remember all you other threads about this awful, awful woman and tbh I'm amazed you are still having any contact with her. She's just totally unreasonable and mad. It makes me feel stabby just to read it.

Don't engage with her. Just state what you are going to do, i.e. give her the bottle lid and say, goodbye I'll see you later. Then put the phone down. And when she comes up with the next excuse to invade your home, just deal with it in the same way. You don't have to explain yourself to her. Stop being so considerate.

Show your DH the poisonous text. He needs to deal with her. Unfortunately for him, she's his mother.

ipswichwitch Fri 25-Oct-13 12:26:10

Since she is so terrified of "the lesbians" then tell her your friend is a lesbian with a penchant for "older women", particularly grandmothers who like doing stealing other peoples washing. If you're lucky she may never come round again

enriquetheringbearinglizard Fri 25-Oct-13 12:28:03

I'm quite new here and haven't read the old threads, but I will now as it sounds very entertaining if it's not happening to you.

I'd just add if you're handing this lid over to her tonight in a third party venue, wrap it up and put her name and address on it.
Actually, depending on how big and heavy it is, I think I'd have just posted it directly to the cousin's house.

MiL's obviously a nightmare.

maras2 Fri 25-Oct-13 12:28:20

Fairy,she's batshit crazy.Do tell your DH and let him deal with her.What an unpleasant woman.

Goldmandra Fri 25-Oct-13 12:29:00

Keep picking your battles. It is hell but you are getting it right.

Just show your DH the text and then delete it. You don't need to keep the toxicity. Definitely don't reply.

This is your home and you do have the right to choose when people are welcomed into it. She will eventually realise that she's not going to win and give up and wait until your DSD has her own key so she can steal that.

Don't let her get to you.

ajandjjmum Fri 25-Oct-13 12:31:09

You couldn't leave a key for her as it would invalidate your insurance.

Nothing to do with the fact that you want to keep a vile, scheming MIL out of the house!

Nanny0gg Fri 25-Oct-13 12:33:01

Stop engaging with her.
Ignore all her stupid allegations.

Give her the lid tonight, make sure your DH backs you up and leave it.

If she continues or comes on Tuesday, don't let her in.

diddl Fri 25-Oct-13 12:35:24

"But I do want my children to have a relationship with their grandmother."

Why?

What positives does she bring-if any?

And are they enough to outweigh her general unreasonableness?

gamerchick Fri 25-Oct-13 12:36:17

Man it must be horrible being inside her head.. All that energy on plotting.

Not to mention all the head space trying to fight her off for you.

She's trying to get her key back.. she's clearly not able to see your point of view and you'll be back to square one if you let her come over.

But you know that.

Pinupgirl Fri 25-Oct-13 12:36:38

Why would you want to subject your dcs to such a toxic person?-and please don't pull the oh but she is a good grandmother line. Good grandmothers don't accuse their dil of being adulterous!

Actually why is your dh not dealing with this? I have had issues with my own mil but if my dh ever saw a text like that he would go ape shit-why isn't your dh?

Give it to her tonight. If she says anything about wanting to pick it up on Tuesday just keep saying that it makes no logical sense as you were seeing her anyway. And repeat. And repeat.

She's barking.

SuperStrength Fri 25-Oct-13 12:37:15

IMO people like this are just exhausting & never stop. I don't really know why you would want her anywhere near your children. I would be very worried about her including them in her deceptions & lies.
In your shoes, I would cut her off completely. I feel that this will be the inevitable consequence anyway, it's just a matter of time.

Normal people don't like conflict, it's normal to be adverse to it. However, sometimes you have to defend yourself & your family. I've accepted this over time.

Charlesroi Fri 25-Oct-13 12:37:20

And have a look round for anything else from the set that she might have "forgotten".
You are doing a grand job Fairy, Keep it up grin

EldritchCleavage Fri 25-Oct-13 12:41:14

Actually, after that text I wouldn't see her tonight. Get DH to tell her you've posted the damn lid.

coppertop Fri 25-Oct-13 12:45:53

I wonder if the text was sent so that you would get upset and cancel the meet-up tonight? That would leave MIL with another chance to try to get in to your house.

FrankieStien Fri 25-Oct-13 12:48:38

Are you sure the lid even exists?

diddl Fri 25-Oct-13 12:49:39

Just let your husband pop it over tonight or stick it through the letterbox!

annielewis Fri 25-Oct-13 12:55:14

god - I've got a MIL like her too - sympathise! You are def not BU, take the lid as others have said hand it over in front of someone else. DO NOT leave a key anywhere for her unless you are planning on getting the locks changed!!! Similar issues here too.....stay strong !!!

SoullessButSunny Fri 25-Oct-13 12:55:44

I wonder if she still turns up on Tuesday anyway?

You know, just to check you're not shagging around

She doesn't give up, does she?

annielewis Fri 25-Oct-13 13:01:28

Mine would definitely still show up on Tuesday too - I would be waiting for her...... on edge angry

aftereight Fri 25-Oct-13 13:04:40

I read your previous threads, and am amazed at your MIL's continued behaviour. Her latest text is upping the ante, I feel. She is implicitly threatening you, now that she knows that you won't accept her as Alpha Female in your family.
She is now going the 'divide & conquer' route to reel your DH back in.
Be sure to forward her latest text to him, and let her know that you have done so. And be prepared for further slurs. My MIL has conferred (self diagnosed) personality disorders on free-flying DILs shock

LilRedWG Fri 25-Oct-13 13:06:40

I'm new to your mil, so can I just ask if DH knows what a nutter she is?

DixonBainbridge Fri 25-Oct-13 13:26:04

I think you're fantastically patient OP.

Do what is best for you and don't let her wind you up!!

hermioneweasley Fri 25-Oct-13 13:32:27

Forward the text suggesting you are having an affair to your DH and tell him you en't tolerate this shit.

He can take the precious perfume lid tonight and he can explain to her that her behaviour continues to be unacceptable.

If she comes on Tuesday then you can question her sanity to her face.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 Fri 25-Oct-13 13:55:13

shock Sweet Jesus!
I remember your thread about the swimming cossie - She's still not getting it nor listening to you is she - she's absolutely fucking mental.
What does she want to come around snooping in your house for now, you've already made it perfectly clear that it's not acceptable. You honestly must have the patience of a saint.

In this situation - YADNBU take the missing piece to her and be done with it.
YY to telling her your friend is a member of 'the lesbians' grin
Let her think what she wants about it.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 Fri 25-Oct-13 14:00:57

Meant to add - I'd make sure I was out on Tuesday when she's likely to pop round - she's so ignorant and irrational she probably will anyway, I'd make sure I closed my bedroom curtains and the living room - give her something to think about.
If you can't reason with her suspicion = feed it grin grin

Obviously you'd have to fess up to DH so there was no confusion.

kumamon Fri 25-Oct-13 14:02:25

Is there a way to find the other threads? I'm still a newbie on here, and I feel like I need to read this back story.

FWIW Fairy, even from what I have read just here YANBU - she sounds mad as a box of frogs.

flossy101 Fri 25-Oct-13 14:03:40

I've read your other threads and I can't get over how patient you are!

Take the lid tonight, its completely ridiculous! If she still insists on calling in Tuesday because she's "in the area" insist that's its not
Convenient because you have a friend round. I think you have handled things really well but She will never get the message so you need to get a bit tougher with her.

myBOYSareBONKERS Fri 25-Oct-13 14:08:02

If she knew exactly where it was, why didn't she take it with her originally.

Definitely a ploy to come round

Methe Fri 25-Oct-13 14:15:51

Say no to her but dont take the top over. Go out on Tuesday with your friends and make sure she knows your plans.

Wait round the corner and if when she lets herself in you yours call the police and say you think you're being burgled.

RabbitsarenotHares Fri 25-Oct-13 14:20:44

So she's be in the area on Tuesday but you'll be at her house tonight. Nope, it's still doesn't make sense for you not to take it tonight. Nobody's going out their way.

She definitely seems to be getting between you and your DP. Does she not realise she's going about it in completely the wrong way, as all she's doing is making herself look like an evil old bat and strengthening you and your DP's partnership? You stay strong and remember, YADNBU!

vtechjazz Fri 25-Oct-13 14:21:10

NO! DONT TAKE THE LID!! When you see her later, tell her you'll leave the key under the mat for her on tuesday.....but actually leave the lid instead! Maybe with a nice sarcastic note to go with it to let her know you're onto her.

Merel Fri 25-Oct-13 14:30:23

wow vtechjazz, you're good

Chelvis Fri 25-Oct-13 14:32:46

I like vetch's idea! I would be furious about that last text though. She's threatening to try to break up your marriage. What has your DH said?

Chelvis Fri 25-Oct-13 14:33:34

vetch? vtech I mean!

Let her come round on Tuesday and find you obv up to no good. Scantily clad. Etc. with DH. That'll learn her.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 Fri 25-Oct-13 14:34:33

Kumamon Go to search at the top of the page and type in OP's name it'll bring up her previous threads if she hasn't name changed.

kumamon Fri 25-Oct-13 14:36:59

Thanks very much!

vtechjazz Fri 25-Oct-13 14:41:42

My own MIL is disgustingly lovely and reasonable, so I must live vicariously through mumsnet!

GiveItYourBestFucker Fri 25-Oct-13 14:43:29

Can I volunteer to attend the fusion Lesbian and Naturists Tuesday Tea And Biscuits party? Thought I think vtech has the best idea.

eightandthreequarters Fri 25-Oct-13 14:44:35

I think you are a tower of patience to have any contact with her at all. But as to your motives... why exactly do you want your DC in contact with this horrible, interfering bundle of nastiness who will spend every moment she can talking you down to your own children? I applaud your loyalty to family, but possibly you should take a more critical look at this. If she's awful to you, there's no reason she'll be sweetness itself to them. Good luck, though!

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 14:54:43

The difficulty is, my 8 year old DSD is very very attached to her. MIL did all childcare before me so DH could go to work (he was 20 when he had DSD full time, at 1.

DSD has had her own mother let her down, and her nanny on mums side so I don't want to stop another relationship to someone DSD is very strongly attached to.

Hence why I have tried to keep that up whilst keeping out of it myself$

RenterNomad Fri 25-Oct-13 14:58:08

She's not actually plotting to get into the house; she's just trying to punish you. She'll try to get in another way.

Make sure to have a roaring fire on Christmas Eve, won't you? wink

ColderThanAWitchsTitty Fri 25-Oct-13 15:00:20

She recently kicked me out of her car in the rain, told me I was a rude bitch and tried to drive off with DS.

Not someone who should ever be allowed around a child and you are doing your children a disservice allowing them to see her. They will get over the separation

Divinity Fri 25-Oct-13 15:04:18

Her issue isn't the lid, it's about controlling you and getting hold of a key again so she can come and go as she pleases.

Are you sure that the lid is missing or is she just telling you it's missing as part of her drama? If you have the lid I would take it tonight. If not, tell her it's been hoovered up / thrown out by accident.

No key for MIL. There's a whole host of dramas waiting for you if you give her the key.

eightandthreequarters Fri 25-Oct-13 15:05:51

Well, as I said, you are patient to the nth, and tremendously good mum to your DSD for putting up with this woman. I can completely understand why you don't want to put DSD through another loss. You are in the best position to judge if MIL is good for her or not.

All the best!

AgapeParker Fri 25-Oct-13 15:13:40

OK you are in a tricky position because your MIL talks badly to you and is trying to undermine your decisions about access to your home, but you know that your DSD needs a relationship with her.

Where is your DH in all this? Why is it your job to navigate the relationship between HIS mother and HIS daughter, whilst trying to maintain some privacy in your home? Get him angry about this!

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 15:26:34

The lid is missing.

Have looked high and low. She has hidden it.

Icelollycraving Fri 25-Oct-13 15:29:20

Omg,she doesn't go down without a fight shock

AgapeParker Fri 25-Oct-13 15:30:56

Can I get this straight: we are talking about the lid of a toy bottle here?

YOUR DH needs to tell her to get a fucking grip.

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 15:31:18

Phoned MIL. Told her it is missing. She says she knows exactly where it is, don't worry, she will pop over on Tuesday for it. Have told her I do not want her in my house when I am not there. Full stop. Have said if she can't tell me where it is, cousin will have to do without. Have said this is exactly why it isn't a good idea for her to sort through DSDS room - if her parents can't find stuff it is unhelpful.

diddl Fri 25-Oct-13 15:34:35

Don't waste any more time/energy on this.

So, a lid from part of a 2nd hand plastic toy is missing.

Big fucking whoop!

You'll pass it on when/if you come across it.

AgapeParker Fri 25-Oct-13 15:35:25

And so what did she say?

Was going to suggest you told her you had found it and didn't know what it was from so threw it away.

diddl Fri 25-Oct-13 15:35:30

Oops-X post!

Well, done, OP!

AnyCoffeeFucker Fri 25-Oct-13 15:37:07

Nice one OP !

AnyCoffeeFucker Fri 25-Oct-13 15:38:08

Did you show DP that text btw ? You should.

Inertia Fri 25-Oct-13 15:38:38

This woman is relentless.

I don't understand why you resumed contact after she threw you out of the car and drove off with your baby. Your DSD does not need this drama and upset in her life.

You really really need to go non contact for a while. Mil has to learn that she cannot just trample over you like this.

Tinlegs Fri 25-Oct-13 15:39:17

If you find it, then post it. Tell her you have posted it. For the cost of a pound or two, it is worth it.

AnyCoffeeFucker Fri 25-Oct-13 15:39:20

Oh oh I have it. Please tell her you are indeed having a friend round but you didn't want to tell her because you and your DP regularly engage in a threesome of a Tuesday evening. Its your new thing. Oh and your friend is bisexual. wink

LifeofPo Fri 25-Oct-13 15:39:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia Fri 25-Oct-13 15:41:31

If you cannot go NC, then in the short term tell her that the lid has been thrown away. Can you get hold of a replacement bottle of something suitable for cousin?

CookieLady Fri 25-Oct-13 15:41:48

Who wants to place bets that mil has the lid?

silverten Fri 25-Oct-13 15:44:20

Stay strong OP. She is in the wrong, not you.

Have you tried asking your DSD where it is, by the way? She might know, or have seen granny hide it.

You could also try seeing if you could buy a spare if you really want to cook her goose. But I wouldn't bother putting yourself out with this trivia- the issue is not the bleeding lid, it is the constant intrusion and undermining.

What's the betting she wants to bring over loads of Halloween tat on Tuesday to buy her way back into favour, I wonder...

HellYeah3 Fri 25-Oct-13 15:47:07

Why don't you ask why if she knows where it is why can't she tell you. Ask her outright if it is just an excuse to check up on you and control you and say you thought she was being an adult and stopping all these childish games.

MatryoshkaDoll Fri 25-Oct-13 15:47:24

She's messed up there telling you she knows where the lid is.

Either she tells you where to find it and you get it to her, or it's lost forever.

Catacombmint Fri 25-Oct-13 15:51:18

I know it would be healthier to be honest about not giving her a key or leaving one out because you simply don't want to. But you could tell her that your house insurance requires occupiers to have the only keys to the property. ( certainly you could say it forbids keys under mats or plant pots).

Thumbfuckerwitch Fri 25-Oct-13 15:54:05

Ha! She set this one up good and proper, didn't she, just so she had an excuse to get the key back.

Stay strong! Keep saying No, as you are currently doing! She can't break into your house, the only way she can get in is with a key, so don't let her have one!

I like the lesbian friend idea. But I am disgusted that she automatically jumped to the conclusion that you a) had a male friend coming around and b) that your DH didn't know about it. I wouldn't even joke about this shit to her, she'll take it as gospel, spread it around, next thing you know your DSD will be asking some awkward questions, or will start behaving oddly around you or your friends.

Keep all information traffic with this woman to a bare minimum. I do understand that you want to keep your DSD's involvement with her granny, but please do be aware that she IS a toxic woman and WILL try to poison not only DSD but your own DC against you. Think very carefully about who benefits from her continued involvement with your DC - and if it is NOT your DC, then strongly consider curtailing it. It's not fair on them either to be put in a position where they have to listen to dripfed poison about their own mother. sad

Thumbfuckerwitch Fri 25-Oct-13 15:55:58

Another idea might be to say "You can come round on Tuesday at x time to collect the lid - I will expect you to show me exactly where it is as we have searched high and low for it" - so she has no choice but to reveal her cunning hideyhole. Don't allow her in the house/bedroom under any other condition.

PrimalLass Fri 25-Oct-13 15:58:16

I bets she already has the lid.

PrimalLass Fri 25-Oct-13 15:58:23

*bet

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 15:58:32

To be honest I'm not going to discuss it anymore. It is a bloody plastic lid fgs! The thing is, when I say all this to her, she just shrugs it off, literally doesn't phase her - she is so thick skinned, so trying to explain is just pointless.

To those wondering why DH isn't involved - he has been great with these issues up until now but he has had this all his life - and had serious difficulties when DSD was small and he was in her hands and so he is really wary of removing the pin from the mummy hand grenade so tends to stay out of it unless she is actively rude.

LilRedWG Fri 25-Oct-13 16:03:08

Well, as DH understands her I'd just be blunt and not bother trying to keep the peace. Just tell her how it is! (that being said I'm pathetic and would just gripe on here)

diddl Fri 25-Oct-13 16:03:33

I know that your step daughter has a bond, but perhaps your husband might need to think about the damage being done & reduce contact/not let her be alone with MIL?

fairy1303 Fri 25-Oct-13 16:04:19

I may actually write a book about this shit though - it seems a crime to deprive the world of her antics - even when she is being pleasant she is hilarious - drinking DSs formula, organising crayons into colour ascending order, freaking out about the whereabouts of odd socks - if she wasn't such a Fucking nightmare she'd be a hoot!

eatriskier Fri 25-Oct-13 16:05:55

She is really relentless isn't she? I think you did very well with that text and sadly you are just going to have to carry on being firm with her. She doesn't have her priorities straight and if you want to keep her and DSD's relationship going then sadly it seems you are going to have to police it.

Whatever you do, don't let her in again!

AgapeParker Fri 25-Oct-13 16:07:48

She sounds like she has other problems tbh
I assume obsessing over odd socks is nothing to do with getting at you grin

bubalou Fri 25-Oct-13 16:08:19

I haven't read all the replies but it seems to me OP like she is up to something - but I may be a crazy paranoid nut because I too have an awful MIL.

hmm

AgapeParker Fri 25-Oct-13 16:08:22

But she is actively rude: to you. That is his business.

MrTumblesKnickers Fri 25-Oct-13 16:10:00

Tell her you found it. Hurrah! You'll give it to DSD yourself when you see her next.

Byeee!

meekenough Fri 25-Oct-13 16:12:15

"She recently kicked me out of her car in the rain, told me I was a rude bitch and tried to drive off with DS."

And you didn't call the police? you haven't disowned her, because?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Fri 25-Oct-13 16:13:19

have you considered internal door locks or at least those stick on things that scream when a door is opened? suspect she will find a way of getting a key at some point when you don't know.

vtechjazz Fri 25-Oct-13 16:15:06

Yes fairy, as much as I'd love you to keep poking this hornets nest for the sheer entertainment factor, its probably best to transcend this petty game playing by mil. I guess as long as you are the 'gatekeeper' to DSS she will fight you.
And just to echo everyone else, don't give her a key!!!!

NaturalBaby Fri 25-Oct-13 16:17:42

Fairy You must write a book! Or a blog about MIL.
I need lessons on how to grow a thicker skin, you can send your MIL my way if you like.

Preciousbane Fri 25-Oct-13 16:18:27

I remember your threads, she may want a key so that she can get another one cut. Do not give in.

LifeofPo Fri 25-Oct-13 16:29:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies Fri 25-Oct-13 16:47:12

You know - i was thinking earlier i bet the lid isn't even in the room. Why can't she tell you where it is if it's there? It's not there. (or it's somewhere so utterly ridiculous, like on top of a door frame, that if she told you where it was it would be obvious that she set the situation up).

She has the hide of a rhino OP, and the bare faced cheek of ... some other animal i can't think of, lol. The point is you can still facilitate the relationship with your DSD and her, but must not engaging with her in any of your or your DH's own business. You'll have to be sneaky, blunt, and prepared to expect the worst of her in any given situation. ie: think to yourself: ''If i let MIL pass this toy on, she'll find a way to cause grief; therefore i either deliver it myself, get DH to take it to the cousin, or give the toy to charity''.

Please don't involve her with anything else. DSD can see Gran at Grans house when she wants to. You can take her, and pick her up later. No negotiations, no complications. Gran can see DSD swim - then go back home again. No negotiations, no complications.

Soon DSD will be old enough to make her own arrangements to go and see Gran (if she wants to that badly).

Kundry Fri 25-Oct-13 17:02:09

I'd just remind you of the wise poster on your last thread who said that your DSD needs to form her primary attachment to you. Keeping MIL at arms length for a while is actually helping your DSD become secure in her new situation. It's OK for her to be fond of MIL but she needs to know you are her mum.

I suspect when DSD is a bit bigger she will be busy being a teen and therefore both you and MIL will be boring. Obvs MIL will think this is your fault!

BTW I think you are fab

summertimeandthelivingiseasy Fri 25-Oct-13 17:10:36

Why would she want it Tuesday when she could have it tonight!

Nanny0gg Fri 25-Oct-13 17:14:04

Why would she want it Tuesday when she could have it tonight!

Because she wants to get back in the OP's house!

fairy1303 stop engaging with her!

YouTheCat Fri 25-Oct-13 17:21:03

But Nanny, she's bloody hidden it!

2rebecca Fri 25-Oct-13 17:27:37

I think your approach is right. Firm and not rising to her nonsense. You don't have to tell her who your friend is, it's none of her business. If it isn't convenient for her to come round then just saying that should be enough. If it isn't enough that's her problem, you don't need to discuss the issue with her further. I'm not sure why you let MIL take the dressing table away as I thought you were keeping her out of the house if she's unsupervised. If she can't tell you where the lid is then tough the lid stays lost.
I couldn't be bothered playing games with her and probably would have told her to grow up and stop playing silly games, and that this sort of nonsense just makes me want to keep her away from the house as she can't be sensible and is over intrusive.
I wouldn't have her in the house at all at the moment.
I agree stop engaging with her, and stop feeling the need to give her reasons as to why she can't come. "it's not convenient" repeated is enough. Slurs of adultery would make me refuse to speak to her or have her in the house at all. Let your husband take his daughter to visit grannie.

RobotLover68 Fri 25-Oct-13 17:33:10

OK - tell her you found it and have popped it in the post

IF she has it her house she can either say "but how can that be, I have it here!" Gotcha MIL!

Or she'll keep quiet - then blame Royal Mail for it not arriving - either way, no need for her to come Tuesday

IslaValargeone Fri 25-Oct-13 17:39:55

How you haven't buried her under the patio yet I don't know.
I too agree with securing the attachment between you and dsd. I think between her mum being a bit iffy iirc and her gran being completely bonkers she needs to be focused on someone 'normal' for want of a better word.
I worry about you being undermined at every turn.

AgathaF Fri 25-Oct-13 17:39:58

This would send me into such a fury. I agree with 2rebecca that I would have to tell her to stop with the stupid games and innuendo as they were just creating ever bigger problems between you.

She can't possible know where it is unless she has hidden it as she can't know that your DSD wouldn't have moved it in the meantime.

You have patience by the bucket load.

clam Fri 25-Oct-13 17:45:57

She is SO thick-skinned that the time has now come for very clear, very blunt straight-talking.
You: Dh and I do not want anyone, ANYONE, in our house when we are not there.
Mil: Yes but.... blah-di-blah
You: I'm afraid that doesn't work for us. We do not want anyone, ANYONE, in our house when we are not there.
Repeat to fade...

And it's not a case of "can't" tell you where it is, but "won't." And, as others have said, this is a plastic lid off a second hand toy. It's an issue because.....?

Howlsmovingcastle Fri 25-Oct-13 17:56:53

I'm afraid you may have to resort to 'I. Said. NO', op. She will deserve it!

NomDeOrdinateur Fri 25-Oct-13 18:04:35

Howls - Don't forget, it only works in a very deep, growly, Terry Wogan voice... wink

OP - I feel so sorry for you, my MIL is a bloody nightmare too (but for different reasons). The only thing that has helped us is completely disengaging from these kinds of petty little power struggles and ensuring that all contact is on our terms. It's very sad that things have to be this way, but DH is much happier now and so am I.

Would your DH support you all withdrawing a bit, and all contact happening via him? (The infidelity accusation should show him how ridiculous it is to expect you to tolerate her manipulation, even if nothing else has...)

Strumpetron Fri 25-Oct-13 18:11:51

Tell her to fuck off.

Just those words: 'fuck off'.

Strumpetron Fri 25-Oct-13 18:12:43

And your DH needs to get MORE involved. Why the hell should you put up with all of this when it's his bloody mum.

If she knows 'exactly' where it is why doesn't she she just bloody tell you? hmm

clam Fri 25-Oct-13 18:57:01

Sauvignon well that's the massive flaw in the whole argument. She wants to come over, so that she can get upstairs to that little girl's room and give it a through cleaning, as she feels the OP doesn't look after her properly.

YouTheCat Fri 25-Oct-13 19:11:37

Your dh should be facilitating the relationship with his dd and his crazy mother.

Tell him it is now up to him. You really don't have to have anything to do with her.

clam Fri 25-Oct-13 19:16:31

As long as he can be relied upon to stick to the "she doesn't enter our house when we're not here and she NEVER goes upstairs to dsd's bedroom" line.

She's probably planning on copying the key!

YouTheCat Fri 25-Oct-13 19:20:24

Why can't the dh just take his dd to his mother's? Then there'd be no need for the old bat to set foot in Fairy's house ever again.

MidniteScribbler Fri 25-Oct-13 19:24:40

She has text me saying she is suspicious as to why I am so adamant that I don't want her to come when my friend is there. Is there a reason why my visitor had to remain secret? Because she has a duty to let DH know if she suspects I am having a man round. Or perhaps I am embarrassed of her?

Reply with "Of course it's a man. I have to pay the bills somehow."

foslady Fri 25-Oct-13 19:24:46

I bet a pound to a penny the lid is in her coat pocket................

Flicktheswitch Fri 25-Oct-13 19:34:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpacaPicnic Fri 25-Oct-13 19:42:10

Now see, this is why I won't let my PIL have a key anymore. We gave them one once, while we were on a long holiday, asking them to pop round a couple of times a week just to check the place was still standing etc...

They came round twice a day, opening and closing different sets of curtains, switching on and off different sets of lights, pissing about with the post organising it into piles and probably steaming open anything that looked interesting

But made far too much of a point that they hadn't been 'snooping round' I mean, why would you say that?

NotYoMomma Fri 25-Oct-13 20:02:57

what has dh said about her text?

tell her she either tells you or she doesnt get it at all and to stop playing games.

get dh to ask

Jux Fri 25-Oct-13 21:17:25

Oh this woman is a complete nutter. I remember at least one of your other threads about her. I don't know how you manage to be so civil to her, I really don't. Hats off to you.

Patchouli Fri 25-Oct-13 21:29:48

"Have said this is exactly why it isn't a good idea for her to sort through DSDS room - if her parents can't find stuff it is unhelpful."

I'm glad you sad that. It's a great point.
She surely can't argue with that.

nennypops Fri 25-Oct-13 21:36:48

The trouble is, if you can't find the lid she's going to roll up on Tuesday anyway. I suggest you go out or take the battery out of the doorbell, and switch off your phone.

That, or have the lesbian party of course.

myroomisatip Fri 25-Oct-13 21:42:13

hhmmmm I read your other threads and I have just skimmed this one.

I think you are doing marvellously, however, the key bothers me. In your shoes I would have my locks changed. I really would. Your MIL has absolutely no boundaries and I would not put it past her to have a copy of your key.

I hope you are able to stand your ground on this. I so sympathise with you.
If you have to go out on said night, can you lock the door so, if she does have a copy key she can't get in?

JadziaBats Fri 25-Oct-13 22:58:41

Bloody hell, she has the hide of a rhino! YA definitely NU.

qazxc Sat 26-Oct-13 09:21:58

Hi fairy! long time lurker here.
First of all let me say you have my sympathies and you sound like a lovely person and you're doing great. I would've been avoiding that woman like the plague by now!
You have told her why tuesday wouldn't be convenient, i don't think you need to get drawn in a debate about it. By accusing you of cheating she is obvs spoiling for an argument. after which she will invariably be "upset", "depressed" or any medical ailment she might want to make you responsible for; all for "caring about her son".
How does your DP feel about text? it isn't really treating you with respect is it? how has her behavior been otherwise? does she still think of DSD as "hers"? Does she treat your DS as an equal to DSD, or has she not made any effort?
If her behavior hasn't improved I would reconsider how good it is for the children to around her.

Fluffyconcrete Sat 26-Oct-13 09:51:08

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Fluffyconcrete Sat 26-Oct-13 10:13:15

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2rebecca Sat 26-Oct-13 12:01:07

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RandomMess Sat 26-Oct-13 12:13:35

Let us know when you find the hidden lid!! I think you laying it on the line that she is not allowed in your home when you are not there was fantastic - she pushed and pushed and she's been told AGAIN, hopefully one day you'll get through to her.

clam Sat 26-Oct-13 13:01:37

I would be pretty miffed if someone was maintaining they knew where something was in MY house that I didn't know.
But I realise these are not normal circumstances.

By the way, have you switched the swimming lessons to a different venue yet? Does she still turn up to watch every week?

ADishBestEatenCold Sat 26-Oct-13 13:10:56

You have probably answered this question before fairy1303, but can I ask how long you, your DH and your DSD have been (living) together?

Lots of posters are mentioning previous threads and it sounds like you may have had your MIL (virtually) camping outside your house since the day you and your DH moved in together!

Noctilucent Sat 26-Oct-13 13:12:58

A thought - who told you that it was missing - MIL ? If so, I would bet money that it is not missing at all, and the whole thing was just a ploy to get back in your house again.

I agree with a poster upthread that she needs a GP visit, pronto. These are not the actions of a normal or a happy person.

I have read your previous threads and think you need to go NC and include both children. She may love your SD but her behaviour is not healthy and will likely affect your SD in the future.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Sat 26-Oct-13 16:23:18

Stand firm - I remember your previous threads. This woman does not respond to anything other than a blunt no; if you give her an inch she'll take 10 miles!

You also need to get your DH engaged with this - I realise it's difficult for him but as a father and as your partner, he needs to support you so that you are both showing a consistent and united front. If she is presented with a 'wall' that is immovable and non-negotiable, then she will find it more difficult to keep justifying why she should try and keep playing "Mummy". Your DSD already has a mummy - you.

olgaga Sat 26-Oct-13 17:22:44

Obviously this is a complicated situation. I think you've been incredibly patient and forebearing for the sake of your DSD, I'm not sure I could have handled it so well!

I'd put money on her having the lid anyway. I would ignore the latest text and if she won't tell you where in the house she "knows" it is, just shrug it off and say "Ah well, it isn't important".

Either way you have a right to privacy in your own home, and for her to visit only when she is invited.

Jux Sat 26-Oct-13 18:20:31

And when she turns up on Tuesday what will you do?

bubblebabeuk Sat 26-Oct-13 18:46:27

Marking my place

FriskyHenderson Sat 26-Oct-13 20:20:42

Jux is the real question, what will the OP be doing? MIL expects her to be shagging some bloke. Would your DH suffice, OP grin

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 26-Oct-13 20:23:38

Eh? I thought it was going to be a Lesbian Love Fest? grin

Hang on in there Fairy! Also, as someone upthread asked, did you change the swimming lessons in the end?

whatever5 Sat 26-Oct-13 20:40:24

She sounds nuts and I would change your locks in case she already has spare keys. How dare she suggest that you might have a man coming around just because you don't want her turning up and searching your dsd's room when she feels like it. If she really knew exactly where the lid was she would tell you.

birdybear Sat 26-Oct-13 20:52:04

i don't understand why she has to go to your house when you are not there? have you outright asked her? have you asked her does she dictate to her other family and friends when she goes to their houses?

stay strong, keep repeating what you want to say and hope that it Will at last, get in her thick head!

NicknameIncomplete Sat 26-Oct-13 21:00:52

My god this woman just doesnt give up does she.

I agree that she probably already has the lid.

Lottiedoubtie Sat 26-Oct-13 21:49:57

This women is not healthy OP. what's your plan for when she inevitably turns up?

2rebecca Sat 26-Oct-13 22:00:01

I'd just answer the door and say "sorry I told you today wasn't convenient, please respect my privacy, goodbye" and shut the door. I am only polite to people who are polite to me. The only way to cope with thick skinned or rude people is to behave similarly and not let them get to you.

Plomino Sat 26-Oct-13 22:21:18

If she wants a key , I'd give her a key . Just not the ones to my house .

How you cope with her , I don't know . There's no way on earth she'd get half a foot inside my door .

Of course my retort when she wanted to turn up on Tuesday when you're not present would not be 'why , are you bringing a man round ? ' Oh no sirree .

qazxc Sun 27-Oct-13 06:57:41

OP. How is lidgate going? have you started hanging rainbow flags and bunting in preparation for her visit on Tuesday?

Cerisier Sun 27-Oct-13 07:08:59

Another vote for she has the lid, else she would tell you where it is. Anyway it is only a lid, who cares?

Continue to keep her at arms length for the sake of your sanity and do show the texts to DH.

Her rudeness and poor behaviour are unbelievable. I think you are a saint.

I might do a mix of previous posters suggestions

Phone her and tell her not to worry you have found the lid and have posted it direct to cousin.
When she tells you that's not possible because the lid isn't really at your house - not missing at all. You just straight face her with - Yes I know, that makes two of us lying through our teeth.

eatriskier Sun 27-Oct-13 07:38:21

If the doorbell goes whilst you're in on Tuesday you should slightly unbutton your shirt or ruffle it up a lot and answer the door disheveled then just shout 'I told you this isn't a good time' and slam the door in her face wink

BakerStreetSaxRift Sun 27-Oct-13 08:04:07

I like MissNevermind's suggestion. Tell her you found the lid and will post it to the cousin. Then she'll know you're onto her that she's had it all along.

What a fruitloop!

EldritchCleavage Sun 27-Oct-13 09:58:02

I think people should stop medicalising the MIL's bad behaviour on the scant evidence to be found on this and previous threads. It's not helpful, and highly unlikely to be accurate. OP has to find ways of dealing with the behaviour, irrespective of the cause.

HexU Sun 27-Oct-13 11:44:56

It's not helpful, and highly unlikely to be accurate. OP has to find ways of dealing with the behavior, irrespective of the cause.

^^ This

OP you need to stop asking how high every time she says jump.

Ignore the texts what ever they are about - but tell your DH if he need to know - and don't phone her. If she turns up open door and say you are busy and she can't come in or at very least limit time and access in the house and supervise but don't engage with her.

No drama no fuss. Easier said them done as she has you well trained.

I also question if it is a good idea your DSD has her in her life. Either she'll think this behavior is normal and copy it to the determent of relationships in the future or she'll learn like the rest of you to pander to it -setting her up to be with someone equally as demanding.

I'm not saying stop contact - just limit and supervise and make sure DSD knows how bizarre MIL behavior is by telling her and MIL. I expect you'll need to reinforce boundaries for years - as she managed to erode them for that length of time.

qazxc Mon 28-Oct-13 14:53:54

Has she "popped round" yet OP?

Fluffyears Mon 28-Oct-13 15:40:34

I'm working tomorrow damnit so can't pop on to check if she came round anyway. Desperate to know if she does.

clam Mon 28-Oct-13 16:24:40

Yes I think it's tomorrow that fairy is due to stage her secret lesbian liaison for mil's benefit.

mikulkin Mon 28-Oct-13 16:49:51

She is extremely annoying but you are handling this very well. I think your DSD is a lucky girl to have such a person as you as her step-mum. Anybody else in your place would have stopped any contact with mil but you care about your DSD's feelings.

Jux Mon 28-Oct-13 16:58:27

She either has the lid or has no idea where it is. I once knew a woman who would say she knew where something was, but actually hadn't the faintest idea. It was just an excuse to rummage.

Marking place for tomorrow's update - DO NOT LET HER IN!!!

vtechjazz Mon 28-Oct-13 18:06:02

marks place offers OP support for tomorrow!

mistlethrush Mon 28-Oct-13 19:38:57

Of course, if you do let her in to look for it and its not where you said it would be, its going to be your fault... you know that don't you?

Good luck for tomorrow.

JackNoneReacher Mon 28-Oct-13 19:54:38

Brace yourself for if she turns up tomorrow.

Be completely prepared to say "I told you it's not convenient for you to come around now, you can't come in, please don't do this again"

This woman really needs some clear boundaries or she will just keep pushing and pushing and you will keep imagining you are the U one.

Howlsmovingcastle Mon 28-Oct-13 21:21:05

What do you mean, place marking?

liquidstate Mon 28-Oct-13 21:22:32

Can you pin a note to your door saying 'bugger off MIL' if you are out.

Also use grease like butter or Vaseline to grease a hair across the join of door and frame, that way you can see if she has sneaked in or not. Its what James Bond does grin.

Jux Mon 28-Oct-13 21:39:38

Have you got a door chain? Keep it on.
Or call through the door, "sorry, can't let anyone in right now."
Or simply don't answer at all, in any way, shape or form.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 28-Oct-13 22:02:54

Op, just a thought. I have followed your threads with sheer disbelief at times.
She is not normal and this may sound daft but I am a bit worried for you especially after she threw you out of the car.
Don't open the door fully to her if she comes when you are in, keep the chain on or your foot in the way. She will try to gain entry.
I also think she has copied the keys, maybe back door too. Do what you can to stop her gaining entry.
I'd be tempted to set booby traps, close doors and take the handles off etc, like in Home Alone. Make sure you film it and send all the relies a copy grin

mineofuselessinformation Mon 28-Oct-13 22:34:58

Ooh, an idea just offered to me! It's rather 'wicked', but if you do go out tomorrow, could you tell one of your neighbours that you've lost a set of keys so can they keep an eye on the house for you until you get the locks changed? Most people have a busy-body or two living nearby. The thought of MIL being carted off by the police would give you joy for ages I would imagine, and teach the old bat a lesson she wouldn't forget in a hurry. grin

olgaga Tue 29-Oct-13 00:46:13

Hope you are OK, OP. Good luck tomorrow, if ithe visit hasn't already been avoided.

angeltattoo Tue 29-Oct-13 09:30:09

What did DH say about her disgusting text message?

Any idea if she'll turn up today? If she does, DO NOT let her in Fairy, under any circumstances. She hates you, wants to enter your house and practically piss her scent around, just so you know how much she hates you being in DS and DSD's lives. I know it's hard for you to understand, as you sound lovely and find her behaviour hurtful, but please, please do not give her the satisfaction of crossing your threshold - she would see it as a mark of her being soooo much more important than you.

That she can make such a big deal out of a ting bit of plastic tat is beyond ridiculous. Do not be drawn into her batshit crazy games

fairy1303 Tue 29-Oct-13 10:01:40

I didn't give her the lid on Friday. I told her it wasn't where she said it was and I couldn't find it - she said 'yes, I suspected something like this would happen'. I told her it was a lid and not important anyway, nevermind, if it turns up I will give it to cousin.

Have made it clear she is not to turn up today.
Am preparing the rainbow coloured scarf to hang outside the door.

P.s - yes we have moved swimming, she is due to start there after half term. She wanted to finish off the last few weeks with her friends.

Thanks for the continued support and great ideas.

forumdonkey Tue 29-Oct-13 10:14:20

OMFG you have the patience of a saint. She's off her rocker!

In the future I would give her a key (like another poster said but not for your house wink ) I would express that it mustn't be used when you are not at home but for dia emergencies at your request. I give it less than a week before she gets back in touch to say her key doesn't work grin

Also marking my spot for an update

eatriskier Tue 29-Oct-13 10:15:01

Well that just confirms the lid isn't in your house to me. 'I expected that would happen' means 'of course not, you leave the room filthy'. Not that you do I'm sure. But it's anther example of why she needs to be kept well away.

Hope you don't have her show up later even if that entertains us grin

DuchessFanny Tue 29-Oct-13 10:45:43

I always read your threads then feel the need to go and hug MIL for not being an utter nightmare ... ( reminds me why I keep away from my mum too ! She once put my DN's christening gifts in her bag so she'd have a reason to get in touch - bonkers !!!!)
Hope your MIL doesn't just turn up today !

Anyone else wondering where the lid is inside MIL's coat pocket

clam Tue 29-Oct-13 12:25:06

"yes, I suspected something like this would happen."
WTF is she supposed to have meant by THAT?! angry Annoying when you know someone is taking a pop at you but you have no idea what they're getting at.

hollyisalovelyname Tue 29-Oct-13 13:17:33

Fairy what did your DH say after she had thrown you out of her car and driven off with your ds?
Did you show him the text that she thinks you might be having an affair?
She is completely gaga.
Your DS is better off without her in his life.

Jux Tue 29-Oct-13 14:16:08

"yes, I suspected something like this would happen"

"Yes, MIL. So did I. How strange."

FriskyHenderson Tue 29-Oct-13 16:27:07

Any sign?

qazxc Tue 29-Oct-13 17:36:06

Did she say it in the tone of a James Bond Villain. Well done fairy! you have the patience of a saint.
May I suggest a nice family activity for you all (inc MIL), London Gay Pride. The kids would love the parade!

fairy1303 Tue 29-Oct-13 18:10:28

MIL did not come today!!!! But she did phone me to guilt trip me about next Christmas. That's right. NEXT Christmas - why do I have to see my family? Why can't they come to me so I only see them for one day rather than three (due to travel). Luckily DH walked in so have witness to the calm rational way I dealt with her rather than screaming at her down the phone like I wantd to!

fluffyraggies Tue 29-Oct-13 18:21:42

What did he say about her 'affair hinting' text?

I like to think my DH would have been pretty pissed off with his mum if she sent me something like that.

<thanks god own MIL is ok>

fairy1303 Tue 29-Oct-13 18:44:20

<quietly> I haven't told him. He would hit the roof. I would rather manage it myself, I don't want ww3... I know I'm wrong, I should tell him but he would go nuts

PurpleRayne Tue 29-Oct-13 18:54:10

I really believe you need to tell him, no matter how uncomfortable, otherwise it will backfire on you. Total honesty in your relationship is critical, especially in your current situation with mil. Keeping her nastiness towards you a secret from him only benefits her.

He would go nuts with good reason though.

Divinity Tue 29-Oct-13 18:55:31

You may want to find a quiet moment when your dh is chilled out (not offering suggestions thlgrin) and tell him in a matter-of-fact way stressing that you've dealt with it.

If you don't then you won't be able to mention it later date she will deny all knowledge and try to make out that you're mad for making that up.

You know the situation better than we do of course but its worth thinking about.

qazxc Tue 29-Oct-13 18:59:19

don't hide it from him or she'll make out you have been witholding it because there's something in it. Just try and pick at time when he is chilled and approach it in a calm manner.

ScaryNutellaFangs Tue 29-Oct-13 18:59:42

I know he's liable to hit the roof.
It won't be you he'll be angry at though and maybe, just maybe it will give him the impetus he needs to tell the interfering bat to stay out of your lives.
It's because he loves you. I don't often mention if someone has been rude to/about me because by God he gets defensive in the "no one speaks to you like that" way.

fluffyraggies Tue 29-Oct-13 19:00:15

Oh bless you fairy. I can see your logic. It's easy to sit at home and say I'd be furious and i'd do this and i'd do that - but it's different in RL sometimes. i can admit i may well do the same as you and just want to avoid all the fall out.

He aught to know though.
flowers

ChasedByZombees Tue 29-Oct-13 19:01:41

Oh please do tell him. It won't need it you at all keeping this from him.

FunkyFucker Tue 29-Oct-13 19:04:29

You have to tell him or she will use this against you. i don't know when but she will.

Sorry OP, but you have to tell him. Show him the text - laugh about it, says it's just a heads up as you don't want him to be taken by surprise. She tested the water in the text to see how you'd react. She will up the stakes, and will say something.

Also, somewhere on here was a wonderful thread about a nosy MIL who kept going through drawers & stuff, so the OP of that thread left a partially filled on immigration form for her to find ... naughty, yes - satisfying, definitely!

Think of it this say - hit the roof now, or hit the roof after she's managed to cause disharmony on your marriage.

AnyChippednailvarnishfucker Tue 29-Oct-13 19:16:31

If you don't tell him, at some point in the future she'll use the fact you didn't tell him as proof you have something to hide...

ooerrmissus Tue 29-Oct-13 19:21:51

Fairy you are a saint.

Makes me appreciate my MIL. Especially appreciate the way she lives 1000 miles away.

auntpetunia Tue 29-Oct-13 19:24:31

You have to tell him to not do so, even if he doesn't do anything about it now (obviously he'll want to kick off) will give her ammunition to mention it when you say or do something she doesn't like. He needs to be forewarned.

Some good points made for telling him, calmly.

MommyBird Tue 29-Oct-13 20:03:32

I have been a lurker on all of your MIL threads.

You are a SAINT!

After reading your last comment regarding the 'affair.'sniggers as like many of the other posters, i think you really need to tell your DH.
This is something she has over you, something that only you and her know and she will use it against you. She has probley got it into her head that you are actually having an affair!

She is not normal. You need to tell DH, you're a team.

Noctilucent Tue 29-Oct-13 20:59:07

Please tell him. As someone else said, she will use this against you, and frankly, he has your back so you don't need to hide things like this. Although I would probably tell him in a kindly way as opposed to with anger.

Thumbfuckerwitch Tue 29-Oct-13 21:41:23

Love of God, you HAVE to tell him about the message - what if SHE tells him and you haven't, it's going to look fishy!! TELL HIM!!
If he hits the roof, so be it! He'll be angry with the correct person, and that's a GOOD thing. TELL HIM!

mineofuselessinformation Tue 29-Oct-13 21:55:17

YY, fairy, do tell him. If you don't know how to approach it, could you say to him there's something he needs to know but you want him to think about it before he reacts because you are not trying to cause trouble?
If you don't, I have a horrible feeling that this will come back to bite you on the arse.

littlecloud Tue 29-Oct-13 21:55:24

Read all your threads you are a bloody saint! She's a controlling loon! xx

littlecloud Tue 29-Oct-13 21:58:22

oh god sorry about the xx brain text mode blush

MusicalEndorphins Tue 29-Oct-13 22:49:24

I have been following your story/situation with your MIL. If I were you, I would tell your husband what she said. Actually, I would show him the text. A person needs to be fully informed in order to make educated decisions. Good luck.

Badgerous Wed 30-Oct-13 13:26:01

need to show him the text. DH didn't believe what his mother was up to until it was staring him in the face.

Hi fairy

I think you really do need to show your DH the text his mother sent to you. For one thing it will show him that you're not making any of this stuff up. If the shit hits the fan, it is all of her own doing and it probably wouldn't be a bad thing to have her visits limited to supervised visits where both parents are around and she isn't left alone with DSD. I understand that you want your DSD to have a relationship with her and I think you're the better person for wanting this.

Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.

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