AIBU or is DH about family outings?

(66 Posts)
Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 08:09:12

Ds (4) is on half term next week. Originally my mum and my aunt had arranged to have a day out with us. My aunt booked the day off work especially.

Then dh decided to have the week off so I told my mum and aunt we wouldn't be able to go out for the day with them because I KNEW dh wouldn't want to go. This morning dh said "we will take my parents out (PIL) for the day next week because they hardly see ds." They see him at least once a week without fail, sometimes twice. So I said "ok, but in That case will it be ok if we also see my aunt and mum for the afternoon."

And dh said (with a snappy aggressive look on his face) "I'd rather not because your mum and aunt see ds all the time." This is a lie, my mum sees him probably twice a week but my aunt - who has no children of her own and only one niece (me) and hence only one great nephew - barely ever sees him. Maybe once ever few months. She doesn't drive and lives over an hour away and still works full time so we don't see much of her. She is very very good to us and regularly sends clothes and books for ds. In fact when he was a baby she pretty well clothed him single handedly. It really pissed me off that dh was all "well I wanted a family week to ourselves." I said I can't very cancel on my mum and aunt saying was want some family time and the go out with his parents.

Aibu to think that if we're going out with his family for a day it isn't too much to see mine one afternoon? Dh rarely ever sees my family, I have to go on my own to family events, whereas I always go with him to things, always.

Morgause Thu 24-Oct-13 08:10:10

YANBU. Tell him it's happening with or without him.

YANBU about thinking you're DH should be fair. I wouldn't of cancelled with my family in the first place though, I would go anyway. So YABU for that.
Just out of interest, does your DH often behave like this?

Inertia Thu 24-Oct-13 08:16:23

He is being an unreasonable bully. Don't change your plans.

Pooka Thu 24-Oct-13 08:22:41

Go out without him?

RoadToTuapeka Thu 24-Oct-13 08:22:49

His stance does sound odd. I wouldn't have cancelled the original day out in the first place, nor would DH have expected me to. He'd come along too.

So Yanbu and I would worry if his attitude in this case exemplifies his usual behavior as sounds bullying and intolerant.

JoinYourPlayfuckers Thu 24-Oct-13 08:24:40

So your husband decides to take the week off work and you immediately cancel your plans for that week?

I think you have a bigger problem than what to do this half term.

Why does he get to decide what you do with your time?

MoominsYonisAreScary Thu 24-Oct-13 08:25:40

Id be going anyway, with or without him

JennieR60 Thu 24-Oct-13 08:26:34

I think if it's ok to see his parents then it's ok to go out with your family. It can't be one rule for him and one rule for you.


Jolleigh Thu 24-Oct-13 08:28:08

YANBU - but you shouldn't have cancelled your plans in the first place. He can't use the fact that your child sees your mother frequently as a negative point either. Family is important. Your DH is BU to expect you to change plans simply because he's decided to take time off. Tell him to put his dummy back in.

Screamqueen Thu 24-Oct-13 08:29:29

Are you scared of him? I dont get why you immediately jumped and changed the original plans.

diddl Thu 24-Oct-13 08:29:30

He sounds awful.

I'd feel like not going to his family events for starters.

Why do you see more of your parents?

Is it because you're a SAHM/they're nearer/you make the effort?

If his parents don't see your son because he cba to organise it, that's his fault imo.

WooWooOwl Thu 24-Oct-13 08:29:48

I don't think that you seeing his parents is at all relevant to whether you see your Mum and your Aunt or not. You and your child are people, not a jar of jam that needs to be equally shared between everyone that wants a bit.

Go out with your mum and your aunt and leave your DH to himself for the day if he doesn't want to go. You have a life of your own that doesn't have to be dictated for you based on whether your DH has a day of work or not.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 24-Oct-13 08:29:51

Yabu to cancel your plans with your aunt and mum in the first place. Your aunt seems to really adore your son and yourself so it was wrong to do that to her.

ihearsounds Thu 24-Oct-13 08:31:39

So you made plans. Someone booked a day off work to spend time with you. Then your dh decided at the last minute to have a week off and you change your original plans because he wouldn't want to come.... Why?

You are not joined at the hips. You can spend time apart. So what he wants to spend time together, pre-existing plans comes first. Either he come with you, or he stays at home and sulks.

If he is throwing a tantrum about the day then he needs to grow up, and realise you are not a child to be told what to do.

Thewalkingdeadkr Thu 24-Oct-13 08:34:07

He's your husband not your leader!
My dh has the week off too but won't be dictating what we do anymore than I will.
Why does it bother him so much to see other people?

BurberryQ Thu 24-Oct-13 08:38:17

why did you cancel your plans in the first place just cos he was going to be home? because you 'knew' he wouldnt want to come you say?
perhaps he is too used to you dancing attendance on him and has become an over-entitled fucker?

SatinSandals Thu 24-Oct-13 08:41:15

I can't see why you cancelled. Just tell him that you are going and he can come if he wants. What you do with his parents has no relevance.

teacher123 Thu 24-Oct-13 08:41:51


You shouldn't have cancelled your nice day out with your mum and aunty that you already had planned just because DH has taken that week off work. It's only one day out of a whole week and it's so rude to cancel plans like that.

Are you scared of him? Why doesn't he like your family?

The fact that he won't go with you to family events and is being so aggressive is red flags all over the place to me.

Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 08:45:43

I cancelled because I knew he'd be unpleasant. We see more of my mum (although not my dad as he is at work) because she has my son one afternoon when I'm working and she comes over to see us. Pil don't, was always go there. They are older than my parents in fairness and find ds a lot to cope with on their own so my mum tends to do the babysitting.

CelticPromise Thu 24-Oct-13 08:48:43

He sounds like an arse. Reinstate your plans and go without him. Let him go with PIL on his own and have a day to yourself.

He does sound like a bully. Is he like this in other ways?

colafrosties Thu 24-Oct-13 08:48:53

Your DH is being unreasonable

BurberryFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 08:50:49

so you have to tiptoe around him for him not to be 'unpleasant' ?

MrsMook Thu 24-Oct-13 08:52:36

Go out with your family. Whether he comes or not is his issue.

Expecting you to drop yours but go out with his is very hypocritical and unreasonable of him.

PedlarsSpanner Thu 24-Oct-13 08:54:30

What does the unpleasantness look like? Is he unpleasant to you, your family, your child?

Inertia Thu 24-Oct-13 08:56:12

You have bigger problems in that case.

How does this unpleasantness manifest itself?

Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 08:56:55

I suppose initially aggressive in time and body language and then sulky.

Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 08:57:07

That should say tone not time!

BurberryFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 08:59:59

hmmm well mittensonkittens - how aggressive is aggressive? pointing? shouting? shoving? what?
and a grown man sulking about his wife seeing her family is just wtff?

Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 09:01:09

I can't explain it exactly. His voice, demeanour and facial expression just change...his eyes go sort of cold. Just unpleasant.

HarryTheHungryHippo Thu 24-Oct-13 09:02:19

He's a dick and your enabling him

teacher123 Thu 24-Oct-13 09:03:02

That is not normal. And as a teacher I'd be really cheesed off if DH suddenly took the week off work in half term and then started dictating what I could and couldn't do when I didn't even KNOW he was going to be off work! Why couldn't he come too or have a nice day at home in the peace and quiet?!

PedlarsSpanner Thu 24-Oct-13 09:03:24

sad he sounds a bit of a bully

Are you scared of him, esp.when his eyes go cold?

butterflyexperience Thu 24-Oct-13 09:03:30

If he doesn't see your family, you don't see his

You are not less important then is ego


butterflyexperience Thu 24-Oct-13 09:03:59



teacher123 Thu 24-Oct-13 09:04:01

Would he change his plans for you at short notice like this?

HarryTheHungryHippo Thu 24-Oct-13 09:04:35

Why would he ever change when you give in every time. Much like a tantruming child that is used to getting their own way.
I say this as someone who knows what it is like but trust me op the last thing you do is give in because he sulks.

quoteunquote Thu 24-Oct-13 09:04:55

Go on a day out with your mum and aunty,

He could use the time to grow up.

Stop putting up with ridiculous behaviour.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Thu 24-Oct-13 09:05:36

OP are to frightened of him? Are you frightened of how he would react of you went out with DS and your family and just left him at home for the day?

Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 09:07:08

I don't like confrontation, which is completely my fault I know, so I tend to be the one compromising all the time.

No, I don't like it when his face changes and his eyes go cold.

Tabliope Thu 24-Oct-13 09:08:45

Your aunt has booked a day off. Extremely rude to cancel on her. That means you. If you DH doesn't like it then tough really. Ignore his unpleasantness or put him straight about it. Whatever, there's no way your aunt should have had this done to her when she's made plans including a day off. The more you do stuff like this - caving in to keep him happy - the more he will feel he can rule the roost and get away with it. Pull him up sharply about it maybe he'll think twice about doing it again. Feeling really sorry for your aunt right now.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 24-Oct-13 09:09:19

None of this is about fault. He sounds emotionally abusive to me and you sound frightened of him.

StanleyLambchop Thu 24-Oct-13 09:09:25

My DH took a week off in the summer holidays- it was lovely, but unexpected. We (as in myself & DC) had already arranged a few meet ups with friends that week, so it turned out that there was only one full day that we were actually free. That was the day which we went out as a family. The rest of the time we carried on with our original plans, even though they did not include DH. He then enjoyed some time to himself at home. If he had insisted I suddenly cleared the week to make way for his week off he would have got short shrift. Your DH is being VVVU. He is somehow controlling how much access your DC have to your side of the family? No way put up with that!

Tabliope Thu 24-Oct-13 09:10:06

Then if you don't like confrontation and don't like it when his face changes and his eyes go cold accept being a doormat, sorry harsh I know but that's what it amounts to. I could never give a man that power.

TheDoctrineOfAnyFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 09:13:04

You shouldn't be frightened of the person you are in a relationship with.

What would happen if you said "it's one day out of the week, we're going anyway, come with us or stay home?"

Blu Thu 24-Oct-13 09:15:35

If I was your aunt I would be really pissed off if Ihad taken a day's holiday in order to fit inb with your half term plans and then got cancelled because you give in to your DH's bullying / or I would be deeply concerned that my neice is so afraid to do something completely nirmal like keep plans made in advance.

She took a day off work!

Your H sounds like a controlling passive aggressive bully, and you are letting it happen.

This maybe because you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and he has managed to knock all the assertive stuffing out of you, or it may be that you are being a bit wet - but either way YANBU - the sequence of events you describe is not reasonable and I wonder why you even think it is?

I hope you can get some clarity and strength around this situation, OP - good luck!

colafrosties Thu 24-Oct-13 09:27:52

If you were to say you were going anyway, and just do it, how long would the "unpleasantness" last - would it be a short while and then he'd "get over it" or would it go on simmering for hours, days?

Jolleigh Thu 24-Oct-13 10:07:35

Not sure if I've missed something but it seems that the husband is getting some really extreme reactions here. Emotionally abusive? Bully? We all have a sulk from time to time. We all get angry. He's being completely unreasonable, yes, but by no means should people be jumping to conclusions about the man's whole character based on this one incident combined with the OP not liking it when he's annoyed and wanting to avoid that scenario.

Squitten Thu 24-Oct-13 10:10:43

It's terrible that a) he is behaving like a brat and a bully whilst being a complete hypocrite and b) that you feel the need to modify your behaviour in order to avoid escalating things.

That sounds like very abusive behaviour from him. It also sounds like he doesn't want you to spend time with your own family.

You have much bigger problems than a day trip.

Squitten Thu 24-Oct-13 10:11:26

Jolleigh I would agree is the OP wasn't afraid to act on her own. He is cowing her

pictish Thu 24-Oct-13 10:14:23

Agree with the others. He's being controlling.
If my dh had a week off work and I wanted to spend one of those days with my family, he'd either come with, or wave me off with good cheer. It wouldn't be an issue.

Your dh likes to be the boss huh? Sounds like a knobber.

jellyboatsandpirates Thu 24-Oct-13 10:25:22

Then dh decided to have the week off so I told my mum and aunt we wouldn't be able to go out for the day with them because I KNEW dh wouldn't want to go.

Sorry, haven't had chance to read all the replies, but ^^this. You'd made plans with your mum and aunt.
If your DH doesn't want to go, then that's up to him. I'd be going on with the day out regardless.
If he's got the whole week off, why do you have to cancel one day out with your mum as he doesn't want to go?
YABU for cancelling. I have 2 small peeps and a DH, if he didn't want to go I'd say fine, stay here, we're still off out though and we'll do something all together on one of the other days you've got off!

DismemberedDwerf Thu 24-Oct-13 10:26:41

I'm usually a 'give the benefit of the doubt' person. Very much so. And usually I'd tend to towards Jolleigh's view but the way OP described his sounds intimidating. I have to agree with Wibblypig. This doesn't sound like a normal healthy relationship and OP sounds frightened of him. OP, I think you need to have a serious look at your whole relationship because it sounds like there is something definitely wrong. I can't even agree with the 'you may be a bit wet' comment because it sounds like you cancelled knowing the reaction that was going to come from him; to me that has the feel of the dog that hides under the table when the master comes home. Forgive me for the clumsy analogy but it's the vibe I'm getting here.

thehorridestmumintheworld Thu 24-Oct-13 10:27:23

I have quite a traditional marriage partly due to my religious beliefs and I let dh make a lot of decisions partly because I am not very decisive and I am happy to let him choose a lot of things. But I still say your dh is BU. You shouldn't be scared of your dh and unwilling to talk to him, also he should be respectful of your family. As others said he doesn't have to go out with you. You have a whole week together and a day apart can be good!
As I said I have religious beliefs here and it is a personal thing, but I have found the more I feel I can be assertive and communicate freely with dh our marriage has improved and I feel happier.

Aeroaddict Thu 24-Oct-13 10:30:52

YANBU OP, and it is not your "fault" that you don't like confrontation with a person who is aggressive towards you. The way your DH behaves when he doesn't get his own way sounds quite worrying to me. I hope you are OK.

Inertia Thu 24-Oct-13 10:31:37

You do sound frightened of him, and to be honest his behaviour sounds at least intimidating- only you know whether it crosses the line into emotionally or verbally abusive. But either way, that isn't how loving marriages work.

Jolleigh Thu 24-Oct-13 10:33:06

But Sqitten the OP has said she doesn't like confrontation. This could well be part of her natural character rather than something he's conditioned her into. I know plenty of people who have headstrong and sometimes sulky partners who do occasionally change their plans or behave for an easy life.

Jolleigh Thu 24-Oct-13 10:36:00

That should have said 'behave differently', sorry!

ZombieBringBackAnyFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 10:38:22

Oh dear sad. Your DH would appear to be a controlling bully and to cancel on your mum & aunt - especially after your aunt had taken time off work to see you! - was exceptionally rude.

I do understand that the cancellation was much more to do with what your DH expects, rather than what you want but, really, how can he actually expect you to be that rude & hurtful to your own family? He must see that they have been very good to you & deserve a bit of respect?

While we're at it, where is his respect for your wishes?

haverer Thu 24-Oct-13 10:39:03

You shouldn't be frightened of the person you live with. It doesn't sound like a loving supportive relationship if he's only living and supportive when you're doing exactly what he wants you to.
I would go and see your mother and aunt with your DS. With or without your DH. I would probably not go out with PIL and have a nice day to myself. There will be unpleasantness but it's usually a bad idea to back down to bullies.

feebeecat Thu 24-Oct-13 10:42:00

I'm not sure why him suddenly deciding to take a week off should alter your plans? And you're just talking about one afternoon in a whole week?

It does sound like he is controlling and there is something of a power struggle going on, but it will continue until you 'stand up' to him. I don't mean a full on confrontation, but sometimes just a jaunty, 'that's fine I'm going anyway' is enough to shock them out of it and shift the balance somewhat.

Also a 'family week'?? That's a lot of time - agree some time spent apart can be a good thing too!! Might also question his definition of 'family' - that includes his, but not yours?

allmycats Thu 24-Oct-13 10:53:22

Just go and visit with your Mum and Aunt - GO ON JUST DO IT !!
Your DH sounds like a spolt brat.

PervCat Thu 24-Oct-13 10:54:08

why cant people just come over to yours

whats with the day out obesession

diddl Thu 24-Oct-13 11:20:33

Well if he gets sulky-let him sulk!

If he gets aggressive-that's a different matter.

But it's really not fair on your Aunt, is it?

Plus, if he's got a week off, plenty of time for you all to do things together!

So is the week off to stop you going?

lottiegarbanzo Thu 24-Oct-13 11:41:07

Your H sounds unpleasant - as you've said yourself.

The fact you feel the need to ask us for validation, or 'permission' to feel as you actually feel, says that there' something very wrong within your relationship, including an obvious power imbalance.

But, the fact is that you are being unreasonable, messing people about and letting them down. You cancelled the planned trip before your H had said he didn't want to go (and he hasn't even suggested that you couldn't go without him, has he?). You made that decision. You are being very, very unfair on your aunt in particular and, by limiting the relationship she has with your DS (this won't be the only instance), on him.

For your son, which is more important; a relationship with a really lovely, generous great-aunt, whose kindness and enjoyment of spending time with him will live in his memories forever, or a lesson that bullies always win and men can get their own way by intimidating women? Which of those two people would you like your son to gorw up to emulate?

Even if you feel to weak or scared to stand up for yourself, you need to find a way to stand up for your son, for the sake of his future self, his relationships and opportunities for happiness.

Fluffymonster Thu 24-Oct-13 11:42:29

It's quite odd that you feel like you had to cancel on your Mum and Aunt, just because your DH took the week off work.

It sounds like you've internalised his reactions, to the point where you tailor plans around him before he even says anything, just for an easier life.

If you would rather be rude to your relatives (your Aunt/ds don't see each other much and she had taken the day off work), and basically inconvenience four people (you, your Mum, your Aunt, your ds) over one person's behaviour - something is wrong. Does he often sabotage family outings, and time with your family?

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