To feel sorry for some dads during labour when....(131 Posts)
....at the crucial moment the woman says she wants someone else with her at the birth?
I have just watched an episode of OBEM and the woman in labour (aged 18) had her mom with her and the baby's dad who she'd been in a relationship with for two years. In one scene the mom left the room and the guy told his partner that he wished there was more time for just the two of them so they could talk and just be alone together. He said, "Afterall, it is our baby." He was very nice about it but it pulled on my heart strings a little. Sadly the labour didn't progress as well as hoped and the woman needed to be taken to theatre for assisted delivery and she just kept saying, "Can my mom come? I want my mom. I want my mom!" The dad asked the staff if he could go too but they said only one adult could accompany. The woman continued to say she wanted her mom and so they all left the room leaving the poor dad, absolutely petrified and in tears on his own. The cameras just showed him sitting there on a chair in silence in the corner of the room clearly in bits as to what was going on.
I fully understand that in such a daunting situation like labour the woman should have whoever she chooses with her because she needs to be kept calm, but I still can't help feel sorry for the dad's who might get pushed to the side and miss the birth of their child.
When me and husband watch OBEM together and a similar scenario arises he said that he would never allow me to choose someone else over him because he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born. Obviously this is hypothetical and I would never want anyone but my husband by my side anyway. He also has a little rant about the 'maternal grandmas to be' who are at the labours and says he can't believe they push the dad out - he reckons that when they are told only one adult can be with the pregnant woman during dangerous periods of labour they should back down out of courtesy and allow the couple to share the moment.
Like I said, I fully support any woman's choice to have whoever she wants at the birth but I do feel bad for some men if they are made to miss it.
I'm just curious if anyone on here has been in any kind of similar situation and how your partners reacted?
I haven't been in exactly that situation, but I would have to admit that I didn't want my DH with me during labour or the birth and only backed down because he would have been devastated if he hadn't been. Yes, the mother should be kept calm, but I agree with you and your DH that actually the father has feelings as well, and assuming that the couple are "together" then I can't see any reason for having any one else there instead.
...he would never allow you to... -really don't like that, sorry.
Would always want my DH with me but I do get that not everyone feels that way. I could definitely see an 18yr old me preferring my mum to be there. So yes, it is a shame that some dads miss out on that moment but it is definitely more important to me that a woman can choose who she wants to be present.
I would be furious with my DH if he told me that he wouldn't 'allow' me to do anything when I am the one giving birth.
I can understand an 18 year old wanting her own mum there, although I wouldn't have wanted it myself.
I had my mother with me when I gave birth along with my husband. She was very good though, and not pushy. She did tell us that if we wanted her to go at any point then just to say, and afterwards she left the three of us (as in me, H and baby) to have some time together.
We'd discussed in advance what would happen in "emergencies". If I needed a c-section then my H would go with me. If I was in intensive care or similar and the baby was somewhere else, then mum would stay with me and my H would go with the baby, so the baby would have a parent there. This was discussed with him though, I didn't make the decision by myself IYSWIM.
I have to say I can't entirely blame the 'grandmas' who perhaps push the dads out. That's their little girl going through something huge, painful and life-changing. I would imagine their first thought is to protect and support their child, not waste time thinking about their son-in-law who is, after all, not in any life-threatening situation (and labour can be dangerous).
I wanted my mum there because I think there's something powerful about a woman who has already done it, telling me I can do it too, IYSWIM. I felt like it connected me to a long line of women giving birth and supporting each other in doing so. I wanted my husband there almost for the baby's sake and my mum there for ME.
He only said that because he knows full well I would never choose my mum, or anyone, over him anyway He isn't a dominating husband, I promise
Strange isn't it. In time gone by giving birth was the realm of women and men would certainly not expected to be there and be informed after the fact.
To me this strikes of an immature young girl who is struggling with becoming a woman and doesn't feel emotionally ready to be a mum hence she want's her mum.
Sadly for DD2 we bothed missed her being born! Had a spinal, had a lot of complications during surgery so it took ages, spinal started to wear off so they had to knock me out. DH wasn't allowed back in with me until I was coming round, and DD2 was kept with me, so neither of us got to hold her straight away either. While I agree that it's a shame for the Dad to miss it, I don't think that's overly important compared to what the Mum is going through. If she feels she wants her Mum there, then that's just tough on the Dad. I know my DH would be upset if I chose my Mum over him, but I also know he loves me and has my best interests at heart. He would respect my decision and not hold it against me.
That's sounds like you and your husband had a really nice set-up MrsGarlic and it is great you had an understanding mother and that it was all thought out and planned in advance. I hope the birth went well
I don't think my DH particularly wanted to be at any of her births, and I don't blame him. However, I really needed him and he was great. If I had wanted my mum, that would have been fine with him to. His job was to support me - I think he feels his needs should take second place to the person that has to go through labour & I agree with him. He was amazed at how brave I was to give birth more than once & would do anything to make it as easy for me as possible.
Dads thinking about their emotional needs in the face of the enormity of childbirth can shove off, as far as I am concerned.
...he would never allow me to choose someone else over him because he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born...
A grown up woman (in this scenario it was a woman) is potentially going to be better for a terrified vulnerable 18 year old girl than a terrified 18 year old boy is.
I didn't want any of the female members of my family any where near me giving birth - I was happy DH was around but not in constant conversation with me - though my DC didn't hang around once labour started.
But others are different and it is about the mother during labour - I also think there are a fair few men who don't want to be around or involved but feel like they have to be there as it's expected.
DP was at all three of ours.
And at the business end.
But I would have loved my Mum to be there too but she lived too far away.
18 is so young, I think i'd have still wanted my Mum at that age.
I don't want anyone theret if I ever have another. I think I would rather just do it on my own with a midwife and leave DH at home.
But yeah, if the words I won't allow you to' ever came out of my husband's mouth I'd tell him where he could fuck off to.
The business end
The girl in the scenario told the dad he couldn't be at the end of the bed as she didn't want him being able to see 'her place'
but its his baby too.how many women complain of not having the partner support!complete disregard for his feelings,not fair.its about the baby mostly,and the mother yes,but dads shouldn't be pushed out IMO.
I had my dh with me in hospital. My sister visited me after I'd been in labour for 2 days, and we asked her to stay so dh could get some rest. She ended up staying overnight with us, which wasn't really allowed, but as she was a nurse, the midwifes let her stay. She was a great support to dh, which in turn help me relax. She was also able to point out to the midwife that my drip wasn't connected properly. However, if it was a choice between her or dh to be there, I would have chosen dh. There's only one chance to see your child being born, and I'd only want dh there alongside me.
I can understand wanting your Mum, even at my age. She understands what's happening to you. There are lots of times when I just want my Mum, even as a married adult woman.
What I wouldn't want is someone who wants the experience for themselves rather than to support me.
I was 17 when I had my DS...I wanted my mum too she couldn't get there, but I really wanted her, in that terrified panicky child way - where only your mum will do.
It wasn't a reflection on my DP at all and when I had DD it didn't even cross my mind to have anyone but him there and I'm glad he was there with my DS for him and for DS, but I still feel sad that I couldn't have my mum when I needed her.
There was a big part of my labour where DP had gone home to sleep - I'd been on the ward all day, he got chucked out, I went for an epidural late in the evening and we all agreed to leave him at home to sleep. Obviously things went wrong and he had to rush in, because that's sod's law.
But I actually quite liked that he wasn't there, and it was just me and midwife (and the increasing number of doctors and consultants...) while all the scarier things like epidurals and stirrups and foetal blood tests happened. DP probably would have passed out. It was much calmer without him!
He made it in for the cs though, at least.
That's a good point mrsmango I had to be knocked out for DS1 so DH wasn't allowed into the operating theatre and we both 'missed' the birth.
I don't feel like I missed out on the magical experience of childbirth, I'm actually glad I wasn't conscious whilst they fought to resuscitate DS1 and save his life!
It's what comes after that's important. Just because someone would rather have a birthing partner other than their DP, does not mean they don't want them present to bring the child up.
I would have like my mum present, I was 25 when I gave birth. I wanted her there because she's had many children, and has lots of experience with hospitals.
I don't think it's immature to want your mum there. But I suppose it depends on the bond you have. I couldn't have done it without my DH present though, it was really bloody hard, and I think it did actually make us stronger as a couple.
Birth is about the mother. It's her blood pressure that affects the baby. Her stress levels that can stall labour risking he and the baby's health. If she wants a Llama in the room, stick it in a gown and get on with it.
What I wouldn't want is someone who wants the experience for themselves rather than to support me.
Sorry, forget to add...I don't think the dad should have been pushed out. Maybe the granny should have stepped back, but she was worried about her little girl.
I love DH, but when things started to go wrong duribgt DS' s birth, I was up in stirrups and twisted round to find that DH was crying (he was scared) and actually saidt 'Icant deal with you being like this right now! ' I just couldn't deal with trying to comfort someone else or respond to his emotions when I was in that situation. I honestly think I would cope better alone. DH would have a stress induced heart attack though if he didn't know what was going on, so I would probably let him be there again. As long as he didn't try and talk to me or stroke my fucking head.
Oh havantguard that image just gave me the biggest chuckle
My mumanddh were with me. My dh wasn't too happy at first, but after having been through the labour and birth with her has already asked her (with no prompting from me) to be present at the next one. He was able to be 100% there for me, holding my hand whilst my mum ran around being practical, reminding me to breathe (!) and giving him a chance to rest /eat when he needed to. if we'd had to go to theatre, I wanted dh with me, but he wouldn't ever dare to tell me that I wouldn't have the choice! My mum was support for ME, not baby, as soon as he understood that there was no issue.
The episode of obem involved teenage mum and dad didn't it? I remember thinking how young the mum was when she spoke about her bf not seeing 'down there'. He wasn't incredibly supportive from what I remember, so I'm not surprised she wanted her mum with her.
'During dangerous periods of labour the grandmother to be should back down and let the couple share the moment'
This is nonsense I'm afraid. If the labour is problematic then the mum needs all the support she can from whomever she chooses.
It's not a spectator sport.
I actually think he was a really nice guy and would have been much more supportive if he'd had the opportunity to be. When the girl's mother left the room he instantly went to his partner, held her hands, was kissing her and the bump and making chit chat to try and distract her etc. He didn't get the chance to do any of that when granny-to-be was in the room as she took over that role. In fact, the only time the young girl was either smiling or laughing was when it was just the two of them alone talking inane chatter.
perhaps the father can just wait at home while women deal with all the mucky business, and then when the little lady returns home with the nipper in tow, she can wash, clean and dress it and present it to the father who, after all, has nothing to do with the process....!
oh no, hang on, we live in the 21st century! maybe we should question why only 1 person is allowed to attend the mother...i don't think there is a medical reason, as exceptions are certainly made...so is it just an administrational decision?
Or perhaps men should take over the whole birthing process regardless of what the mum wants?
I thought living in the 21st century meant that women are allowed the choice over who attends them at one of the most terrifying moments they will ever go through.
Ultimately its up to the woman in labour a sit should be.
You can have two people at a normal birth, for one I had my dp and a friend,'for another I had my dp and my eldest son but if you have a c section its one person because of space issues in theater etc,'they have to have a team of staff, anaesthatist, surgeon, midwife,theater staff and maybe a paed if the baby needs so they only allow one birthign partner.
its not a case of disregarding what the mum wants...there is no need to be so militant about that...
but by the same token it shouldn't be a case that the father is completely disregarded either
That's really interesting that you had your son there 5madthings - it isn't something I have heard said a lot! How old was he and how did he find it?
I had the opposite scenario, where I only wanted DH, who was incredibly supportive and reassuring, and I had murders with my mother throughout the whole pregnancy insisting she had a 'right' to be at the birth of her first grandchild. It was incredibly stressful and annoying to be smugly told 'You will want me there when the time comes', and insisting I had to have someone who knew what was going on
even though she'd had 4 planned c sections
Anyone bickering or kicking up a fuss about who's allowed to be where during labour is an arse. Fact. The only person who's opinion or decisions matter a hoot are the woman who is actually going through labour.
Well if she can only chose one person, that's that, no?
There's no middle way. You either let her chose or not.
Its probably to minimise the amount of bugs in hospitals,especially maternity ones where there are vulnerable babies in the NICU.
If the girl wanted her mother then of course the mother should go. Why distress her daughter during a very traumatic time by insisting the father of the baby be there?
My DP is great at calming me just by hugging me, but my best friend would be a better birthing partner- good advocate, knows what to say etc. I have mentioned to DP that I want her as a back up and just hope he isn't offended.
He was 11 and he was fab,'the midwives commemted that he was better than many dads!
He was fine the whole way apart from one bit where he put his jumper over his head and took a few deep breaths to compose himself.'he cutthe cord and was one of the first people to hold did. We have lovely photos, its a moment I will always treasure.
He requested to be at the birth but we said of at anu time he was uncomfortable he could go for a walk or get a taxi home (we are ten mins from hospital and my my was at home with my other three boys).
As it was all went smoothly ( as it had withmuy other four labours) and he really enjoyed being there.
And when it comes to what a woman wants in labour/birth then yes thethe father can be disregarded if that is what a woman wants, no-one has a right to be with someone giving birth.
justmature a mother in labour and birthing,her choices trump the fathers feelings about who she wants as her support.
It is the woman's body and choice as regards both abortion and birth rights. Dad gets no say in either and rightly so. Yabu.
That's amazing that an 11 year old could deal with the labour, you must have been so proud of him! It sounded lovely
"He would never allow me to chose anyone over him and he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born"
I hope he didn't really say this. It's a bizarre point of view.
Hmm well each to their own, I don't think I could personally deprive my DP the chance to see his baby born into the world. I'd feel a bit guilty about him missing out!
Only in a hypothetical rant thisisaeuphemism and only because he knows I would never pick anyone over him anyway - hence the 'freedom' to say it If in real life he did think I'd want someone else and had a valid reason for it then I know he'd be much less ranty
Op your dh sounds like a controlling arse. He should be caring about you not himself. Sounds like he hates women a bit, no empathy and suspicious of the grandmother..
I think the emotional welfare of the birthing woman is paramount. At a time when you feel most afraid your mum is probably the person you turn to.
I have a hypothetical ranter at home too
it's up to the labouring woman. no one else. completely her choice. the end.
Goldenhandshake Your mother thought she had a right to be at the birth of your child? I'm quite shocked at that. I considered it to be a gift and an honour to see my grandchildren being born, certainly not a right.
Dd1 invited me along for the births of both her children, her DP was also there. Her first labour was long and hard; her DP said later he was grateful I was there. I think it helped them both to have something there on 'their side', someone who'd gone through it. There were hours when her DP looked utterly lost and a bit terrified. When he backed off, I could give him space and dd1 was fully supported. With her second birth, I was much more an observer, as her DP was far more confident and involved. I actually think her DP and I bonded during the whole thing.
OP, if my DH said that to me I would seriously have to question why I married him. He thinks a labouring woman should not have the right to choose who is with her when she is giving birth, but should be forced to have her husband regardless? YABU.
He sounds like a spoiled and controlling arse.
He isn't chair,an, I promise, lol - he just lacks female perspective. I imagine most men don't have much understanding of labour or what fear it brings. And like I have said a few times in the thread, it was all being said in a hypothetical rant. He would never say it to me if he genuinely thought I wanted someone at the birth instead of him and had valid reasons - he wouldn't dare
I had a fairly good understanding of what labour entailed before I had my own. Any man who can't work up enough empathy to go along with what his partner wants or needs at that time is a knobhead.
I didn't want anyone with me but the midwife. I don't know what my ex's opinion was on that. I never asked him, and if he did feel sorry for himself sat outside while I was near haemorraging to death, he was sensible enough not to tell me!
To be totally honest I didn't want anyone but the midwives when I was in labour, DH actually missed one of the births as it was so quick and in all honesty I was fine, he was so upset at missing it though that I felt really bad for not being that bothered about him being there.
Having said that (and probably sounding heartless) he was there for the other 2 and was the only person I would ever want or need. Despite being hopeless with bodily fluids he was a total rock ( and saved the midwife from being brained with the breathing tube..).
My mum would be outwardly ok and be there but inwardly very much not ok with being asked to be at the birth, we're close but not that close IYSWIM.
I had mum and partner for ds1 ... When I was wheeled of to theatre for an emergency csec it was my mum that I needed. I'm sorry to say at that point I was the most important person in the room and I wanted my mum who I 100% trusted would be looking out for ME and what was best for ME and would shout about it until someone listened to her. I was in no fit state to look out for myself! While I love my dh to bits he was far far too emotionally stressed to be able to offer me the same support. It did mean he was abandoned stressed and concerned about me and baby for 2 hours.....before anyone finally went and told him we were ok.
By ds2 who was a planned section he came with me to theatre while my mum looked after ds1
I know what you mean dobbies,um - I couldn't imagine anything more awkward than my mom being present whilst I was giving birth! I'm glad your husband was such good support, your post bought a nice smile to my face
...he would never allow me to choose someone else over him because he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born...
DH appears to have 'forgiven' me I made him miss both DCs births by having a GA for my first EMCS by demanding "whatever will be quickest" and by choosing a GA at the last second for my next EMCS as the anaesthetist was horrible.
I think if a woman is more comfortable with her mother than they are the appropriate person to be there. Fatherhood is about so much more than seeing them being born!
I'd be quite happy with just HCPs quite honestly. DH gets to be there for his benefit, not mine: I don't rely on him, but myself (hypnobirthing) with professionals for backup.
L&D isn't a spectator sport and nobody has a right to be there.
So yes, I don't understand why someone would prioritise her mother over the baby's father in labour/delivery, although that may have to do with the nature of my relationship with DM. And I think it is sad for anyone to be rejected as a birth partner partway through the process, whoever they are.
It's still weird to say he wouldn't allow you in a hypothetical situation. "Allowing" wouldn't come into a hypothetical rant for someone who isn't controlling. Wouldn't cross their minds to even consider permission.
Only on MN does a poster mention her DH commenting on a completely hypothetical situation that would NEVER happen given the OP's choices and still get her husband called MN's favourite "controlling".
I know candy , I'm waiting for the first LTB !
My cases are packed, I can't believe I was stupid enough to marry such a controlling woman hater!!
My mum & dh were there; I wanted my mum more!!
Dh is a doctor & has seem childbirth; he labelled it disgusting!! Mature. He isn't a patient person & likes things smooth & orderly. He shouted at me more than once & forced me to go into hospital before I wanted to (I was in pain & he wore me down), whereupon they promptly sent me home again. He didn't hug me, rub my back etc at all. & got really really cross when I refused an instrumental. (I'm an obstetric doctor so I know what I was doing & baby delivered normally with only an episiotomy).
Have to say he has been a brilliant dad from day 1 & is besotted with our boy. He also does his full share of childcare. He wasn't that fussed about being there at the birth & truthfully I would have only been a little upset if he wasn't.
My mum was fab!!! Dh had no issue with her being there (it let him off the sympathy stuff-his words!) & dh gets on really well with her. She hugged me, rubbed my back, gave me sips of water & never critised me refusing instrumental, epidural etc although she thought that's what I should have done. She really is the nicest lady ever; everyone loves my mum!!
As an obstetrician I can say that more people seen to have 2+ birthing partners than don't. A emergency caesarean is sometimes stressful & there's lots of crucial staff needed. Some labour ward theatres are not much bigger than a labour room so extra unnecessary people can't be present. The mother & baby take priority not the extra birthing partner, no matter who they are or how upset they are.
Writer Well, now you know! I'm surprised he hasn't been accused of being a misogynistic emotional abuser yet.
It's not that I don't think that some men are controlling arses because I know some men are but on here, people are so quick to jump to conclusions. Hasn't nearly everyone made a throwaway comment about something emotional that they don't really mean?
I do dislike men who say they want to be there to "see it" or "for the experience" though.
It tells me they have no idea.
I'm just amazed on OBEM,etc., how many people have their mother in with them.
It's such a personal and intense thing, that (where a couple are still a couple) I can't understand why anyone would want anyone else in there. You Mum has had her turn, in giving birth to you! My dh was SUCH a rock, and actually know a lot more details about all of our dcs births than I do.
In RL, I'm not aware of anyone whose Mum muscled her way in to the delivery suite in cases where the baby's Dad was there.
I felt very, very sorry for my (now ex) DP during the last labour.
His job was far harder emotionally than mine. I feel very guilty about that, which is fucking ridiculous, of course.
The only person to look after our eldest was his folks who would take 1.5 hours to get there, so I had a friend take me to hospital while he waited for his mum to arrive.
His mum arrived, he set on his way and his car broke down 3 times on the way there. But this time Id been away from him for nearly 2 hours so he ditched the car and ran the last 5 miles.
Be got there, 13 minutes before he was born, which meant the last time he saw me Id been talking calmly between contractions to me screaming for him and howling through contractions to growl pushing ending in long screeches. Lovely. Then the baby got stuck half way out, he had to drag me up after the midwife was shouting at me to stand, the babys head and arm were hanging out cord tight round his neck 3 times, they cut it, he fell out grey and lifeless. They took 2 minutes to resasitate him while I was crying 'whats wrong with my baby?! Is he dead?!'
After 2 minutes of resas he started breathing and he was passed to me.
For me, I went from the doolally world of contractions to 2 minutes of panic to a blissfully happy albeit temporarily damaged baby at my breast.
Where as his poor father was a wreck. Then had to walk 5 miles to a broken down car and wait 2 hours for the AA to come out all after no sleep at all.
Everytime I think of that time, or re tell it my heart really swells for him. Despite him being my ex he is a brilliant person (crap partner, but lets not go there ;-) ) and no one should go through that stress.
So OP, I agree. YANBU.
I'm also astonished at the number of people on here who are/were prepared to force the father of their child to miss his own baby's birth so that their DM could be there..!
I would have loved to be at my DGC births - but of course my DC wanted their DPs with them - just as I did when they were born.
I had my DC with their DF there -- how could I possibly make my DGC's DFs miss an event as massive as the birth of their children..??? I can think of nothing more selfish...and more likely to lead to the breakdown of their relationships
If a man can't understand that when a woman is at her most vulnerable she may not want him there then I wouldnt want to be with him anyway.
No man or woman has any right to be with a labouring woman! It is entirely her choice who she has with her, if anyone at all and if a man couldn't accept that then he isnt the type of man I would want to be with anyway.
Thankfully I dont need to worry as my partner was happy to support me in my choices for childbirth, even if they were not what he would have chosen, he recognised that is was my body and my choice.
We had a standing joke that he could deliver the baby, being a farmers son he's birthed a few animals in his time!--with his eyes shut--
And I can see why your DH would say that, even hypothetically, if has in his own mind an image of you being together to bring your child into the world and for him to be the one to help you do it then I can perfectly understand why he would be so dead set against anyone else being there in his place. Might not have been the best choice of words but I can see how he would feel.
It's amazing how the wrong wording can give other people such a bad impression..
I had both my mum and my DH with me at DDs birth. And I've got to say, my mum was about 100 times more useful than DH
No sympathy. Been there for all three of my DCs' births, there wasn't a question of space in the room. The MiL was there for the first two. I'm pretty sure that if space had been an issue (ex)DW would have had her mum with her. Wanting yer dear ol' mum when things are crappy is pretty normal. (Wanting my mother present for anything isn't normal at all, unless it's a situation where having a nearly-homicidal nutter would be useful, I like to think I could only have grown up stronger if I'd been named Sue).
And, although I was there for all three and wouldn't have missed that first opening of their eyes for anything, as regards the actual proceedings I was tits on a bull from soup to nuts other than providing a convenient target for punching/biting/swearing at/gripping hard enough to draw blood. If someone had to be tossed out to make room for Serious Medical Stuff, I was the logical choice. And I'd've not been able to respect mysef for any response other than silent, manly stoicism.
When it comes down to something as utterly biological as birth, a man really has to fall back on stereotype and suck it up with a stiff upper lip.
Someone (none hcp)whose main reason for being there is to observe the experience as opposed to help and support me would not be welcome to be there, no matter who they are.
And I don't care how much they want to,or feel they are entitled to they can bugger off.
Well I wish I had asked my Mum to be my birthing partner. My exH was next to useless when DS was born.
He slept through the night (after complaining to anyone who would listen that he was tired) - while I had to stay up and help the midwife get a clearer idea on what was happening to DS' heart rate which was very unstable (vague now it was nearly 7 years ago, but he reacted to the contraction drugs in a bad way).
Then when he woke in the morning - having missed all we learnt about it in the night (we finally managed to find the right level that meant it would still work but didn't send his heart rate so low), He just stood by when another new midwife came in and said "well that is way too low" and turned up the drug that caused the problems despite me telling her no and trying to explain (she actually interrupted me, said "don't be silly dear, I know what I'm doing" and talked over me to check he was ok/had rested) then walked straight out of the room.
Needless to say - DS heart rate reacted exactly as I expected - but I still had to shout at xH to get him to go and get the midwife back quickly - when she did come back - saw it and said "oh sorry - how strange, and put it back to the level we had it at to begin with". I didn't see her again thankfully because I was fuming at that point with both of them and made it very clear I didn't want her near me again.
But the icing on the cake was when the time came and they decided that I needed an EMCS. We had discussed this at length prior to me being in labour - I had made it very clear that I didn't want to do it alone if it came to that (knew it was a possibility) and had already agreed that I wouldn't ask my Mum along as he promised he wouldn't leave me (had given him the option). Yep that's right - just as they had told me that DS oxygen levels were too low and his heartrate problems meant that they couldn't wait any longer, one of the midwife's asked if he would join me. I said "yes" he "ummed" so she replied "Don't feel you have to go in if you aren't sure you can" - he took that get out clause even though I kept saying to him I needed him there. So I did it alone.
I never did forgive him for it. And to add insult to injury - because they were still "tidying me up" - he got the first cuddle.
At a vulnerable and scary time - you need to have people around you that are going to help and support you.
Italwayspours. What a selfish arsehole, I can see why he is your ex! The midwives should not get involved like that. It's between you and him if you want him there. It's so odd that the midwives don't speak to each other and read your notes! They would make less mistakes.
I was a birthing partner for my best friend, me and her husband were there. We both felt more like we were attending because she mainly just wanted to be left alone when contracting. We tried to help the midwives and speak to them when she couldn't but you do feel a bit useless! Although after she said we were just how she needed us to be so that's what's important!
Men really can't do anything right in this website can they?
They want to be at the birth of their own children ahead of anyone else and they are controlling, yet if they don't want to be at the birth they are unsupportive.
I would have thought that if you don't want your partner there above anyone else, for whatever reason, then you probably shouldn't be embarking on parenting with them.
at the risk of further provocation...i genuinely do understand the mother wanting her mother ...but...(and it might be from my sheltered pov)...if the person the the mother wants to help her through labour is not her partner/father of the child, then, to me, it raises questions about the strength of the relationship...
it's a strange reversal of ideas that now it would seem that women don't want their partners at birth anymore..perhaps its just a trend thing!
please understand, I am not against the mum's mum being there for the labour and DW and i were allowed to have her in the delivery room while delivering pfb who died intrapartum. I don't think we could have done it without her... but by the same token for the CS that followed for dd2 it was just us (with DMil about 3 minutes away and texting every 4 seconds) as it was a really really personal moment for us both...
I have 2 girls and I would love to be there for my daughters at such a wonderful time, mainly just for support. I would worry that seeing them in so much pain would be hard though but I would just suck it up for their sakes.
My mum missed all my children's births unfortunately, she could never get there on time because they were fairly quick and she lived very far away. Missed her but I just got on with it. My ex husband was there for them all. Bit of a spare part. I could easily have done it with just the midwives to be honest. Well I did with the 2nd one because he was downstairs looking after our daughter until his mum arrived but even then he was too busy being a good host but like I said I didn't care who was there. They were fairly straightforward births and I liked the just female coven type thing going on ;)
Before I went into labour dp was adamant that he did not want to come to theatre if I needed to have a c section. (not good with blood) Turns out I did. At the time my mam asked him again if he wanted to and he said no so my mam came in (at that point I couldnt of cared less who was there, I just wanted the bloody thing out!)
A few years later we were discussing it and he mentioned that he was gutted my mam had been there and accused her of pushing him out! Err no pet, you had your chance.
Though I do feel sorry for those who want to be but cant.
My poor friend was coerced into having her mil at dc2s birth...shudder...
I understand the 18 year old wanting her mother. It was probably the best choice for her , have a sensible mother rather than her teenage boyfriend who was equally tired and couldn't provide any comfort.
I had my daughter when I was 17 and my then boyfriend was my birth partner. I don't have a relationship with my own family, so had no choice for another birth partner, but I remember resenting having to comfort him during labour when things got a bit hairy, make sure he wasn't getting bored and generally looking after him when I needed someone to care for ME. He oissed about when I was in transition and tried to make me laugh by putting a sick bowl on his head. I snarled at him and the midwife made him to and sit by the window and shouted at him to stop winding me up.
He also nicked my tea and toast once dd was born.
To be honest I would have much rather his mother had been my birth partner, she would have been far more comforting and helpful. If I had another baby I probably wouldn't have DP in the room. I think I would much rather have another woman.
It's got nothing to do with the man, seeing his baby being born. The whole of labour is about the mother and the baby. It's not some experience every man should have on his bucket list IMO.
I have great respect for all the partners who are there at the births. I think it is very hard to see someone you love in great pain and in a totally different state to how they are normally. My labours were somewhat longwinded and boring. Having my husband there to talk to was brilliant otherwise I would have been very lonely. He was fantastic at DS1 delivery, as the midwives were fiddling about with my drip so he was at the business end and told me to push. Actually I think he'd make a good midwife.
I would not want to be with someone I loved who was giving birth. The stress! A stranger, fine but really it's far easier to be in pain yourself than to witness someone you love going through it as you must feel so helpless . As for those partners who witness a very difficult birth, near death situations, trauma, etc, it must be hellish to be in a state of unknowing. I think there should be a bit more consideration and communication given to partners as if they feel traumatised or excluded this could affect the relationship with wife and child long term. I think getting the man's perspective is very helpful. Personally, I couldn't think of anything worse than having my mother there.
A woman not wanting her partner/husband there doesn't necessarily mean anything about the state to their relationship,'what a stupid comment.
For a long time men weren't allowed to be at the birth anyway, and traditionally women have been supported by other women in labour and there is research to suggest that women labour better when supported by a close female and not their partner.
Giving birth can be the most vulnerable time in a woman's life and whatever she needs to do to get through it is fine, some want their mothers, others have partners or friends etc.
I had my partner and a friend for one birth, my partner and son for another and just my partner for my other three. Dp didn't do anything other than just be there, NO-ONE is allowed to talk to me when I am in labour! At one point he was very good at pouring war, water on my back and I gripped onto his upper arm in one labour, apparently that hurt but he didn't dare say anything!
I chose to have my partner there are I felt instinctivley 'protected' by having him there, his presence made me feel safer, but others dotn feel the same, some women want to be alone or feel more comfortable without their partners there and that is fine and should be respected.
Fwiw I could NEVER have my mum there, the thought fills me with horror, but others feel differently I get that.
Ultimately no one has a right to be at a labour/birth.
justmature am so sorry for the loss of your firstborn daughter.
The only person whose views matter during labour is the one who is trying to get a human being from inside her body to outside. Everyone else needs to park their egos for one day and get on with it.
Too often women (and especially mothers) are cast in the role of making everyone else happy and putting their own needs last. If ever there is a time when the mother's needs get to come first it is in childbirth.
5mad the idea of mum being there in labour fills me with horror too. I love her, but I'd probably have to beat her to death with my placenta.
I don't think anyone is dissing men in general, people are simply unimpressed with the OP's partner's 'hypothetical' way of saying what he would and would not 'allow' when she was giving birth. She has been doing an awful lot of back-pedalling, and sure, it was a throwaway comment, but it would make my hackles rise big time.
It isn't like going in a date to have a 'couple experience', it's about one person trying to a baby out safely, and needing the support she needs, whether that is her OH, her mother, a squad of cheerleaders, the Dalai Lama....
Lol hop same here, I would have ended up throwing the gas and air canister at her! Lovleu as she is!
With dpe it was just his physical presence I needed, rather irrationally the fact that he is 6ft tall and I am only little means his presence makes me feel protected somehow, which is exactly how I need to feel in labour.
"I'm also astonished at the number of people on here who are/were prepared to force the father of their child to miss his own baby's birth"
Oh how utterly selfish of women to put them and their babies needs ahead of anyone else! How dare they!
Yeah, see, DH is too much of a stress head in these situations. I felt like I constantly had to explain what was happening and that it was normal etc, and he had that 'are you OK? Is everything OK? face and in the end I just felt like trying to manage his feelings during labour was more than I could deal with. If we ever had another (and that's not really likely) I's probably need to brief him before hand on perhaps not looking so worried all the time and not talking to me at all.
I thought of this thread last night, we were watching the David Attenborough programme when it showed the elephant placenta and he had to close his eyes and ask me when it had gone!
Now this is the man who has put his hands inside a cow to turn a calf, has been present during the labours of a variety of farm animals, has supported me through 2 labours and was in the same room while the midwife went through the procedure of checking my placenta with the student midwife who was also present (home birth, her first, and mine!).
I found myself wondering how we didn't have to pick him up off the floor in the labour room...
He could wear a balaclava so you can't see his face
Dp def got scared/nervous but was good at dealing with it bit he freely admits he doesn't lkek seeing me give birth and would qquite happily not be there, he supported me because I wanted him to.
The person having the baby gets to decide.
Everyone else can get over it.
I just can't imagine wanting anyone but my husband with me. Another poster said that when a person is at their most scared it is natural they turn to their mom, but I don't, I turn to my husband. The importance of my relationship with him far outweighs the relationships I have with my parents or other family members.
Im 20 weeks pregnant and I can't bear the thought of labouring without my husband there, I can't imagine being able to do it without him. He is so good at keeping me calm and focused and I just know he will be brilliant. And I can't wait to see his face when his little baby is born and passed to him - it will just mean everything to him.
However, I completely understand that some men may be horrendous in the labour process and fair play to those that will admit it. I think that's probably why women are allowed 2 birthing partners, so both the dad can be the but also that the woman has someone to mentally support her through it. I have no issues with this at all...like I said, I just feel bad when the dads miss the birth when the other 'supporter' is given priority over him when only one person is allowed to be present.
BackforGood, I had my mum and dh there because if one of them needed to go out of the room for any reason I was terrified of being left on my own. My mum is also a midwife and a lioness when it comes to her children - I knew she would fight my corner if needed.
Dh was amazing too and we did it alone send time around.
I know several people in RL who had their mums with them tbh.
I have two boys so doubt it would be an issue for me when GC arrive but I think I would make a crap birth partner anyway so would try and dissuade DIL from asking me !
My husband couldn't decide if he wanted to be at the birth of DD - he had some odd traditional thing in his head about being in a waiting room waiting to be told them going off down the pub for a cigar and a celebratory beer . Then he changed his mind and wanted to be there.
Given that he was unsupportive, unhelpful and sometimes cruel all the way through my pregnancy (kicking my handbag underneath the bed so I had to crawl to get it is one example), I started to feel nervous about having him there at the birth. Would have preferred my mum. Swallowed that feeling and hoped he would 'come through' on the big day.
Except he didn't. Yelled at me during labour and hid in a corner for most of it, and I had a straightforward birth. I'd have been happier on my own. I remember crying for my mum at one point.
Based on my own personal experience, OP is BU. Didn't see this episode of OBEM but I can understand why a woman in labour would want her mum. Woman in labour must take precedence over the Dad - he's not the one with a small person shooting out of him.
I heard the story about"daddy"
who had been pushed out during the labour because
Two weeks into pregnancy "daddy" said to his girlfriend go and kill "it"
This thread has made me think of a hypothetical situation where I have my DM in the room instead of my DH. She's a lovely woman, but can't cope in a crises at all, and is very squeamish. And she'd probably have nipped out for a cigarette at all the crucial moments! Of course, in a perfect world, the woman would want her DP there, and they would want to be there and be a great help, but if she wants someone else, well, it's her call.
ninil I hope he is now an ex!
Soon to be Visualise . And he can't understand why I don't want to have another baby with him either!
I think I am maybe just not as emotional about labour as some people. I'm not that bothered about "the experience", I just want the baby out as safely as possible. DC1 was a surprise very quick labour 7 weeks early, DH made it to the hospital 10 mins before he was born.
With DC2, I had my DH and my best friend there. It made practical sense to me, especially once I went in to get induced at 38 weeks. Friend & DH could take it in turns to go eat & rest without leaving me alone. Friend had had a baby 18 months before & was very knowledgeable, she's also very bolshy when she wants to be so I knew she would be a far better advocate for me & baby than DH would be. Plus, she could reassure DH & be there for him too!
As it happened, I went on the drip, had continuous monitoring, but still managed to keep upright & active & gave birth 1 hour 7 minutes after my first contraction. Friend left shortly after birth, leaving me, DH & baby anyway.
If I ever have another I would have DH and best friend there again. Nothing to do with DH & mine's relationship, everything to do with it being the best situation for me & baby!
There is no way I would have allowed my mother in with me, and my mil rocked up expecting to stay and I threw her out! Dh however was crap with dd1 and him not standing up for me threw quite a wedge in our marriage for a while - but he, like me, was terrified and not fully processing the turns events were taking. We both had to work through our feelings of letting the other partner down afterwards (people who know that birth story I've posted on here before will know why I still kind of feel I failed on that front but its not really for discussion now) and he really upped his game for dd2's birth.
Unlike my wonderful mother who waltzed in when I was in stop start prem early labour telling them to induce me so she could make her flight to Bulgaria!
dh and I went against our initial gut instinct for him not to be with me during ds's birth, he didn't want to see it and I didn't want him seeing me giving birth, but we listened to too many people telling us he would regret it if he wasn't there - ds's birth was traumatic, 36 hrs including 3 hrs of pushing (30mins of it on our own), failed epidural, back to back, forceps, retained placenta and an episiotomy that tore internally up to my cervix followed by an hour of stitching....dh suffered PTSD afterwards and has never got over the horror of watching it all unfold, i also felt a lot of anger towards him as i felt he wasn't supportive enough during the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me, i spent much of my labour stressed because i could see how stressed he was getting as things started to go wrong
when i fell pg with dd we were both adamant that he wouldn't be there, in fact the first thing he said when i told him i was pg was that he really couldn't watch me give birth again which i was 100% in agreement with...instead i had a private midwife as well as the nhs midwife and a student, labour was short, calm, relaxed, virtually pain free in a pool, i felt nurtured and supported, i pushed for a whole 2 mins before she fell out, i suffered no tears or grazes at all and the entire experience was amazing, despite the bad prolapse i had as a result of ds.....dh first saw us when we were clean, rested and happy and bonded with dd so much eaier than he did with ds....our family is complete but if i was going to give birth again, i would do it withiout dh again, no question
I had my dp and mum with me during both labours and wouldn't have had it any other way. 1st labour was horrendous..contracting every 30 seconds, only 2 cm dilated and DS was back to back. Had DP rubbing my bum and my mum rubbing my back for hours trying to ease the pain for me.
When i found out i was pregnant the 2nd time we had decided that it would be just the 2 of us, but the closer it came to due date the more i wanted my mum with me aswell, DP completely understood and happily agreed with me. I am glad that she was with us as after delivering DD the placenta fell apart before delivering it, DP became extremely panicky so wasn't much comfort to me, whereas my mum had the same happen to her when she had me so knew exactly what i was going through.
I am of the opinion that it should be entirely up to the mother who she has in with her and if it means upsetting the dad then so be it.
You don't get it do you?
Its not about someone missing the birth. The situation is not an occasion nor is it a spectators event the only person other than medical staff who need to be there is the mother because the baby is coming out of her body. Someone whose going to winge and complain about missing it has the wrong prioritys.
The sole reason for a birthing partner being there is to provide help and support to the mother its not about witnessing a event its just about help and support.
Its great that for you the person you would want to help and support you is your dh but for some mothers,they know that they will have more effective support available from a relative or friend and that's perfectly fine as well.
Woowooowl. Yes that's exactly right. The partner should be there if the woman chooses for him to be there and not there if she doesn't want him there. She is having a baby Ffs! Why is it hard for you to see that the mothers needs are paramount?
I'm so glad my DH was there with me. I would have been totally alone otherwise, my mum wouldn't have entertained the idea of being with me in labour, she hates birth (has done it 5 times herself and refuses to discuss it in any way) and would have been horrified if I'd asked her!
The sole reason for a birthing partner being there is to provide help and support to the mother its not about witnessing a event its just about help and support.
Am I nearly the only person who thinks the opposite of this? I don't need help and support from anyone but the MWs/HCPs. I wouldn't have known if DH hadn't been there for either of the births I've done so far.
Disclaimer: I may be particularly independent; my DH may be particularly useless. But I don't think either of those is true.
Lots of women feel the same way as you, but it still does not make it wrong unless you believe that is not the actual intended use of a birthing partner, I expect if the intention was not help and support they would be called witnesses.
Actrually sock I do 'get it' - and if you had read my original post properly and all the other posts where I have spoken about the issue I have never said I don't agree with other women choosing other people over their partner, just that I feel bad for the dads who then have to miss out. Or is sympathy not allowed?
I would imagine that most guys (unless they specifically said they did not want to be at the birth) would be disappointed if they didn't get to see their child born yet Grandma did at the choice of the mother. I appreciate the mother is the one giving birth but I imagine that for a guy to witness his child being born must be amazing, and to be denied that (i.e through them not being the woman's 1st choice) must upset them to some degree.
If men gave birth (laughable, I know) and my husband chose somebody else over me to be there to support him through it and see the birth of our baby I would probably feel really upset.
If my husband chose someone else I would be thinking about what it was about my behavior that made me a less than ideal birth partner.
Good point hopalong - I can't imagine any scenario where I would choose to have my mother over my husband by my side....
WoowooOwl The 2 scenarios are different there's no hypocrisy there. If a man insists on being at the birth and uses emotional black mail in order to force his point then yes he is being controlling. If a man refuses to attend the birth unless he has good reason then he is being unsupportive. Unsupportive is not the opposite of controlling.
Like others have said Labour and birth is not a spectator event. It's not important for the man to witness birth of his offspring. Perhaps if he has proven himself to be sympathetic and loving, completely supportive of his partner and her choices, has promised to ensure her wishes are taken into full consideration, and can cope with all the blood and poo that might happen then I doubt a woman would choose someone else anyway.
I believe unless medical staff if you didn't help create the baby you have no need to be there..
If you love and trust your partner enough to have a baby with them, then you should trust them enough that they will be there to support you.
Obviously single parents are different but I would never push dh out for a spectator the baby is just as much his as it it mine
My parents waited in the waiting room while I was giving birth. It was a 25 hour labour- my parents were in the waiting room the last 12 hours.
They were great as they bought it food/drinks/what ever we asked for really.
At times DH wanted to go to the toilet/get some fresh air and it was great having my mum run in and support me until DH came back.
They waited an hour after giving birth before coming in to meet the little guy
It's clear from the Relationships board that's it's not just single mothers who lack a partner who would make a suitable birth partner. Some men are arseholes. Just because their child is being born doesn't stop them being so. A woman can choose who she wants to support her and that is what a birth partner is supposed to do - make you feel safe, mop your brow or hold your hand and help voice your thoughts, fears and choices when you can't.
FWIW I would have hated my mum to be at the birth of my baby and my husband was awesome but that's not always the case for some people.
I can see why you might feel sorry for a bloke who doesn't get to be there but his feelings are less important than the womans in this situation
Writer it isn't the experience you are imaging it to be.
You know that gap between reality and fantasy. You are in it right now.
I gave birth to my first when I was 21 so not as young as the girl on obem but I was terrified to begin with and asked DP if he minded my mum being there too. He talked me out of it in the end (not in a nasty control freak way) and I'm so glad he did because in hindsight while she wouldn't have meant to be useless she would have been as was proven when she was around in the first stage of labour for 2nd time round (was trying to labour at home for that 1 and she was babysitting the big one).
DP was best bortj
Best birthing partner that should be! Mum just told me horror stories about labours she'd heard about and nagged me to go to hospital already despite me not wanting to.
Can totally see why the 18 year old wanted her mum tho and feel very sorry for the new daddy. Remember that episode because the young dad was wonderful and looked so in love with his new baby
I agree with you. However, I think her age has alot to do with it. 18 year old me would have been the same. Both my mum and mil would have loved to have been invited into the delivery suite when I had dd. From early on my dh was insistent that he would prefer it to be just the two of us. My dh was completely involved in every step of my pregnancy. He, along with me, planned our baby's conception. Our daughter is as much his as she is mine. My husband wouldn't have 'allowed' me to kick him out of the delivery suite either. It has nothing to do with him being controlling, because he isn't. It did, however, have everything to do with him being a dedicated father. He was brilliant throughout my labour and our dd's birth and supported my every decision. The decision should be made by both parents, and each situation is different, but I feel sorry for the guy in your example, and the slight bashing your dh is getting on here.
It's fine to feel sympathy for them but your husbands outrage is misplaced, the man's feelings really don't even compete at that point. It's all about the person shitting themselves (often literally) at the idea of pushing a human out of them.
I also think it is incredibly cute your husband thinks he can tell a laboring woman what to do ever. (everyone play spot the first time dad!)
Christ if the woman in labor didn't slap some sense in to the partner I suspect the midwife soon would!
I didn't want DH at the birth because I really thought he would stress me out and he did at first. He came in to his own during it and I allowed him to be there because it meant a lot to him but I would have sent him out if he caused me undue stress.
Stress in labor = pain very simply. It does. And if you are causing your partner more pain and are a decent human being you don't wait to be asked to leave.
Why do they need sympathy,they are not the one in pain giving birth,they are not the ones whose feelings need to be taken into to consideration.
Sympathy implies something is unfair or wrong or shouldn't be happening.
Fwiw I would rather boil my own head than have my mother with me at a time like that but I can understand why others do and there is nothing wrong about it.
*men have a life time to bond with a child they do NOT need to be at the birth
I think it is worth noting that if a person wants their mother there over the partner there is likely a reason for it. Either the father hasn't properly given the support to make the woman confident he is the best person to be there for her....
Or like Dh they faff when stressed (which stresses me out) and go a bit white at blood and really you don't need that on top of everything,
How do I think it's going to be then bakingseals??
It's amazing how you know my own thoughts better than I do....
Ha ha so my friend ex was a real monster in big STYLE
The only thing she COULD REMEMBER FROM HER LABOUR NIGHT WAS HARENDOUS UNHUMAN PAIN and her ex and so called "midwife" shouting at her like pice of c**p to push
Its esspecially tragic cos
the so called professional must knew that my friend was not able to push and she was supposed to have cs
When my friend told me what has happened to her ..............
When she wake up a few hours later she was that weak that she wasn't able to rise her hand with plastic cap with two spoon of water
But ha ha we have 21 century and things like that not happening
They didn't even bothered to explain her what had really happened because they said that "she did not speak any English"
But in my private opinion they just realised that they MADE SUCH BIG MISTAKE AND THEY WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR RISKING LIFE OF THE WOMAN AND HER BABY
So just imagine guy's there are some poor "lovely daddies" out there
I don't think who you want there is a function of anything other than how you personally feel about the process of giving birth. My view is that I want someone who knows what's happening so I don't feel like I have to take care of their fears and can relax. For me, that's my mum. She wouldn't need to ask me what to do, she'd know. I'm the kind of person who would need that. When I'm scared or in pain, I find communication more difficult - I'm a shutdown kinda gal at those times.
My mum gets that. My husband is fine with it but I think I'd struggle more to care for his feelings.
It hadn't even crossed my mind to have a 2nd person there, I wouldn't even know who I'd pick. Maybe I could have a hypothetical think about it
Is it more common now then for most women to have multiple birthing partners as opposed to just their partner/husband?
I don't know.. women were giving birth for a long time before men started getting involved in the birth process. I don't think it hurt anything then and its really a very recent thing to have men in the room.. SO I am not surprised many women are now starting to have someone else in the room too
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