to think that his behaviour is inappropriate??

(47 Posts)
MsEBennet Sun 20-Oct-13 17:39:02

Oh blimey, this is a bit of a tale.. but I could really use some outside perspective. My friends say I'm NBU but when I tried to talk to my BF about it he made me feel like I was going crazy and it was all in my head... Help!
I live with my BF and a few weeks ago we went to the pub to meet some of his colleagues. I didn't know one of the girls and he said she was a new member of the team. I got a weird, flirty vibe between them and questioned him about it when we got home. He said they were just really good friends and she was here a few years ago on placement and so they've known each other for ages (..despite never mentioning her to me before, plus why introduce her as a new workmate and not a friend??)
Anyway, a week or so later, having spent the weekend at a friends in London I was on his laptop and found all their skype chats to one another. They had been having cosy little chats every morning before he went to work and they met up while I was in London. He told me they went for a run on the Sunday so I knew that but they also went for dinner early on the sat evening. Plus he was messaging her asking if she wanted to go for breakfast each day (she conveniently lives down our road). The nature of their chats was so flirty, not just, "shall we grab some food?", but "if you take me somewhere fancy I'll cancel all my plans for you". Plus I found their messages prior to her arriving and they were all saying how much they missed each other, how she would track him down once in the office (winky face) and he actually wrote that his life was barren without her around.

AIBU to think that this is out of line? I asked him what was up and he got so defensive saying they're good friends and I shouldn't be looking through his stuff etc... But this would never be tolerated from me...

DameDeepRedBetty Sun 20-Oct-13 17:40:31

Red flag, prepare exit strategy. Sorry.

TEErickOrTEEreat Sun 20-Oct-13 17:42:53

LTB

thatmum48 Sun 20-Oct-13 17:44:17

you are definitely not being unreasonable, confront him once again and if he doesn't give you a better answer give him an ultimatum

I have never said this before, but LTB. Definitely inappropriate.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Sun 20-Oct-13 17:46:32

Yanbu

His behaviour alone isn't a massive deal, although not what you want from your dp. It's the fact that this is obviously someone important in his life, even if she is just a friend, and he hasn't bothered telling you about her .

jumperooo Sun 20-Oct-13 17:47:27

Yanbu. He's on the defensive too. Bad sign.

Helltotheno Sun 20-Oct-13 17:47:38

I wouldn't bother wasting precious time out of your life with the confrontation OP; shed him, he's not into the gig.

TBH, I'd go fucking mental and I'm not one for going down the phone or that sort of thing.

I'd make copies of the conversations and confront him with it.

Saying his life is barren without her says it all, what were you, just some filler until she came back?

He either has feelings for and wants to be with her not you (doesn't matter if she reciprocates this) or he wants to be with you and has just gone over the top with this. Either way something needs to change. It willl be difficult if they work together as they're going to be interacting a lot.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 20-Oct-13 17:49:04

His life is barren without her is it sad Poor bloke.

I'd move out. No-one needs this shit in their lives.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 20-Oct-13 17:49:39

It's blatantly clear what's going on here. Sorry but ltb. Does he really think that this is an acceptable way to treat friends? He is taking you for a fool. You are spot on by having these concerns. You don't want to be with someone where you have to point out that this is wrong.

ENormaSnob Sun 20-Oct-13 17:51:40

Dump asap

You are being taken for a fool

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 17:52:01

Bloody hell, that's a lot of stuff to be keeping from you.

There can't be any other reason can there?

Don't let him turn it round onto you with the accusations of 'snooping' through his stuff, even if nothing else is going on, all that crap is inappropriate when it's behind your back.

How long have you been together?

Any children?

ImperialBlether Sun 20-Oct-13 18:05:49

Both of them are taking you for a fool. I would get out now.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 20-Oct-13 18:06:44

I Would be bloody furious!!!!

This would end any relationship of mine I think.... hmm

MsEBennet Sun 20-Oct-13 18:07:01

Thank you for your replies, I actually teared up with relief that it's not me going insane and being some jealous GF.. I just read some threads on controlling behaviour and it sent alarm bells ringing, perhaps I should have seen something like this coming.

To be fair we had a slightly calmer discussion and he agreed to change his behaviour but I'm concerned that he didn't think it was an issue in the first place! He is only changing because I called him out on it..

Been together less than a year and no children. I am currently studying so he has me nicely dependant on him.. But it's not insurmountable-my friend has offered me her spare room.

ImperialBlether Sun 20-Oct-13 18:09:56

It's great that your friend as offered you her spare room - pack your bags and take advantage of it, even if it's a temporary measure.

People who agree to change because they're told to change, almost always revert back to their old ways.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 20-Oct-13 18:14:06

I'd move into the friend's room pronto.

Mojavewonderer Sun 20-Oct-13 18:22:42

Take the friends spare room and get rid!

DigestivesAndPhiladelphia Sun 20-Oct-13 18:26:19

Move into your friend's spare room and don't look back. You don't have children & are not married so this is a good time to walk away and then, when you are ready, you will have the chance to find a boyfriend who treats you with respect.

OvaryAction Sun 20-Oct-13 18:29:43

Take the room and be glad you found out what a twat he is now and not later on when you'd be more invested in him.

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 18:31:53

I don't agree that he doesn't see it as an issue, why would he keep it from you else?

And then try to turn it round to make you out to be the baddie looking at his skype.

Cheeky fuck.

Take up your lovely friends offer of a spare room and support, and don't give him a second thought, you're worth more than he's able to give.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 20-Oct-13 18:32:10

take the spare room.

Sinful1 Sun 20-Oct-13 18:34:23

Well you've already destroyed any trust left in the relationship by violating his privacy, so it's probably going to die a death soon anyway.
May as well move out while it can still be amicable rather than waiting for you both to get bitter and angry.

Just be ready for him to go on the rebound to her so you're not too upset by seeing/hearing of them together

MetellaEstMater Sun 20-Oct-13 18:38:11

You need to leave. Even if he is agreeing to behave better it is really too late. I can almost (and sorry for this) hear them discussing the fact you've called him on it and having a giggle at your expense.

I'm so sorry it has worked out like this for you but in many ways better now than further down the line.

thanks

Choos123 Sun 20-Oct-13 18:39:21

Really, it's not a good sign for the future if he's doing that with someone at work a year in. Yeah I'd move out in your shoes, don't invest time trying to get him to reform, a decent bloke wouldn't have gone there to start.

MsEBennet Sun 20-Oct-13 18:40:37

Ah, I know you're all absolutely right.. The only thing that has stopped me from scarpering immediately is that my dear friend is in another city which would mean I would have to abandon my studies here. There really isn't anyone else here I can go to and can't afford my own place. But I know in the long run that is no reason to stay and be miserable.

MsEBennet Sun 20-Oct-13 18:45:14

Sinful1 Good point. That thought did cross my mind. But when it comes down to it she's welcome to him.. Although I'm sure it'll make me feel rubbish at least I'll know I was right to get out.

Sinful1 Sun 20-Oct-13 19:08:42

Ask at the student union or other such place if anti.e is looking for a room mate?

Sometimes people drop out especially around this time of year

MulberryHag Sun 20-Oct-13 19:16:17

Exit. Persued by a bear.
Run, don't walk!!!

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 19:21:20

'Well you've already destroyed any trust left in the relationship by violating his privacy'

He managed that all on his own sinful.

Don't try and make out the OP's done anything wrong because that's total bollocks.

Violating his privacy my arse.

HopeS01 Sun 20-Oct-13 19:23:03

I don't even know what LTB means but I think it's the only option here.
I'm sorry OP but I agree with everyone else, serious Red Flag!

sad x

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 19:24:09

It's 'leave the bastard' Hope smile

HopeS01 Sun 20-Oct-13 19:25:56

Thanks Agent! Definitely LTB!!!

pigletmania Sun 20-Oct-13 19:26:27

Big red flags, tell him that you will make his life so much less barren by dumping him sothat you can hookup with 'jane'. No LTB, sounds like he doesent care much for you.

DontmindifIdo Sun 20-Oct-13 19:31:53

Ok, well you don't need to leave this weekend, on Monday, talk to the student union/ welfare officer / student services / student housing (depending on the institution will depend who you need to talk too, if you've contacting the wrong one they should at least point you in the right direction) - there might be housing options nearby. Speak to friends on your course, someone might have a spare room (or a friend of a friend with one). Alternatively, you might be able to transfer to study at another institution in your friend's town.

If he's prepared to cheat like this (emotionally even if not physically) so early in your relationship, he's not a keeper. But if you need a couple of weeks to get your life on order before leaving, then take the time. Don't think it's in anyway wrong to get things sorted first, he's been putting himself first, don't let him completely screw you over.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 20-Oct-13 19:56:41

By agreeing to 'change' his behaviour, he means he will hide his behaviour.

Run like the wind.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sun 20-Oct-13 20:00:04

Oh he'll change alright. He'll get much better at concealing anything incriminating.

LessMissAbs Sun 20-Oct-13 20:53:30

What were you doing moving in with a man you barely know after less than a year anyway? And why on earth can't you pay for your own accommodation, like most students?

Of course no decent person would put up with their boyfriend behaving like this, but the relationship sounds horribly unbalanced in the first place. Stand on your own two feet.

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 21:20:00

DH stopped at mine the first night we met LessM, (and was a proper gent of course wink) and just stayed.

13 years ago.

I wasn't even that keen on him FFS.

grin

I know what you're saying though, but people move in and out with other people all the time, sometimes it works out sometimes not, but if you haven't got any children you can please yourself.

It's no slur on the OP that she's living with him.

pigletmania Sun 20-Oct-13 21:33:52

Well ts obvious his affections are elsewhere however much he claims he can cange his behaviour. Don't be 2nd best just rent a room and get out, I am student accommodation has a list f rooms to rent

Finola1step Sun 20-Oct-13 23:27:35

Yep, run like the wind. Then chalk this one up to experience.

xCupidStuntx Sun 20-Oct-13 23:29:00

Please find somewhere else, staying with him would destroy you!! Prick!!

WeAreEternal Sun 20-Oct-13 23:44:45

That's no red flags, it's big bloody flashing sirens!

I would advise putting posters up at uni and asking around,
This is the time of year that those that are going to drop out and go home usually do, so there is likely to be a chance of a space in halls or a room in a student house free.

If nothing comes of that, I would take a trip to the student services, I'm sure they will be able to offer some good advice.

Failing all of that could you get a part time job on top of your studying to help you afford a place?

The borttom line is that I think you need to do everything you can in order to get as far away from this man as possible, he sounds like a complete waste of your time and a total bastard

MsEBennet Sun 20-Oct-13 23:56:20

Thank you for all the advice re: accommodation.. It's not a degree but a full time course at an adult education centre so I don't think they are equipped to help with housing issues. I'm using my savings to pay for the course (was going to work for another year and save up money to live on too but by then we were spending all our time together and my lease was up - he offered for me to move in. First flush of love and all that, so I did. I realise now it may have been too soon.. hindsight eh?)

I'm going to see if I can transfer the course to one in London where my friend is, and if not perhaps they'll give me a partial refund. I can always work for another year and enrol again next Sept. Feels drastic but I'm beyond pissed off with him now so think it will serve me better in the long run to get the fuck out.

Thanks for the support, feel I am finally seeing things clearly!

SugarHut Mon 21-Oct-13 00:08:21

OP, I do not envy your position. But "am I out of line? AIBU?" Seriously. Serrrrrrriously??? He's beyond a dickhead.

This is not going to work long term, not if this is his behaviour already. So rip the sticking plaster off quickly and be pain free, and happy. I really do feel for you, it's a whole life being changed, but you'll be changing it for the better.

MyBaby1day Mon 21-Oct-13 08:34:39

YANBU, get rid of him!.

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