To think OH drinks too much?

(73 Posts)
Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 16:34:26

This has been an issue between us for so long I've really had enough and have been considering leaving a lot lately.
Please tell me if you think I'm being too hard/unreasonable
He used to have a drink every evening after work and so has cut down due to my nagging as he no longer drinks during the week but fri, sat & sun. Fri night is usually 2 bottles of wine, sat and sun he starts drinking around 1-2pm, a few cans in the house or a couple pints down the pub and then drinks 1-2 bottles of wine in the evening. He doesn't get drunk and is still actually cooking Sunday dinner now like he does most Sundays so it's not that he just gets wasted& does nothing but I just can't stand it, I worry about what it's doing to his health and I feel embarrassed at all the empty bottles etc, to me this is excessive and not right, wot du think??? (Btw, once he's out of drink he goes to bed, even if its 9pm, it's like once he's started he can't stop & I think this shows dependency even if he can go a few days during the week with nothing?)

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 16:49:20

You're possibly being a bit unreasonable, mainly for the reasons you give for not liking it.

Yes, it might impact on him health wise, but he's a big lad and can decide for himself.

Why do the bottles embarrass you? Who sees them? Why would you care so much?

If he was getting arseholed and being abusive/a total nob then OK, but it's his vice and he enjoys the effects.

You saying you 'nagged' him into complying with you doesn't sit well with me either, a bit too controlling for my liking.

valiumredhead Sun 20-Oct-13 16:50:52

I think 4 bottles of wine a week plus cans is loads.

Preciousbane Sun 20-Oct-13 16:53:06

He is drinking over six bottles of wine in three days, YANBU and he sounds like he as a problem with alcohol.

livinginwonderland Sun 20-Oct-13 16:53:36

Two bottles a night is quite a lot in my opinion, but is he cramming lots of alcohol into three nights because you've "banned" it?

I think you're very unreasonable to ban him from drinking on a weeknight. He's an adult and if he can get up in morning and go to work without a problem, then you have no right to tell him he can't have a drink.

The embarrassment factor doesn't sit well with me either. Why on earth would you be embarrassed by empty wine bottles? Who would see it except you, DH and the binmen, who, believe me, don't give a shiny shit how many bottles of wine you get through.

MortifiedAdams Sun 20-Oct-13 16:56:56

He is drinking too much over three days. Pre.ban, would he drink the same as this each day or would this amount he is drinking.now be shared over seven days?

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 16:57:56

The amount on weekend has always been same it hasn't increased its just it was an extra bottle of wine every night of the week as well

Beastofburden Sun 20-Oct-13 16:58:05

It would be far better for his health to drink moderately every day. What he is doing is classed as binge drinking. Better he has two or three glasses every night, with maybe one night a week off.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 20-Oct-13 16:58:53

Hmm, started by thinking 'one drink after work. No big deal'. But the amount he's drinking at the weekend is large. I'd be concerned about his health and dependency too, especially if he can't contemplate a weekend day without drinking.

He'd have to want to change though. Sounds like he thinks it's normal social / family drinking. So why would he?

DameDeepRedBetty Sun 20-Oct-13 16:59:37

Yes, he's dependent on alcohol, but not severely. It is up to him to decide whether to address it any further than cutting out the midweek. You've done well to persuade him to stay sober Monday - Thursday.

Banging on and on like a broken record doesn't normally seem to work, addicts of anything need to really and truly want to do it all by themselves.

Subtly drawing attention to decreased lifespan, liver disease, and how much better a holiday you could all have next year with the money saved from cutting down to two nights of the weekend rather than three might get you somewhere!

There's a very fine line between caring for someone and wanting them to be safe and well, and butting out and minding your own business because they're an adult.
I think you should be butting out in the circumstances you've described.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 20-Oct-13 17:02:50

Sounds a bit as though he's trying to absent himself from the family / you too.

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 17:03:11

Ye he can get up and go to work but sometimes I can still smell the alcohol on him from previous night. The health part is my main worry as he has high cholesterol but yes I stand by the fact that its embarrassing as well, any visitors on the weekend see him with an open bottle of wine by 4 pm or loads of empty bottles on the counter waiting to be taken to the recycling

Pawprint Sun 20-Oct-13 17:06:03

I drink way too much - four glasses or so a night (wine). That is over the limit but your h sounds like he is developing a pretty serious problem.

I don't really know what to suggest. You can't make someone stop drinking. He could at least cut down. If he smells of booze in the morning, then that is a big concern if he drives as he will be over the limit.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 20-Oct-13 17:06:23

Do you have children?

Is he really drinking around them all day every weekend?

That is really not cool, if so.

livinginwonderland Sun 20-Oct-13 17:08:06

I think you're right to be worried (based on your later posts) but I don't think nagging him is going to change anything. He's a grown man and, unfortunately, that means he has the right to make poor decisions.

Telling him you're embarrassed isn't going to help the situation and is probably going to make him want to drink more, to be honest. Focus on things that matter - if he drinks a lot, he might not be okay to drive the next day - what if he gets stopped? He'll lose his license at a bare minimum, get banned from driving, and may go to jail and lose his job. If he goes to work smelling of alcohol, his boss may pick him up on it and he could well get disciplined and eventually he could lose his job.

It's not a healthy amount of alcohol, but unfortunately it might take a short sharp shock (losing his license/job/whatever else) to make him realise that this isn't a healthy situation.

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 17:11:34

Yes we have a 4 yo dd, I enjoy a glass of wine don't get me wrong but in the evening and its 1-2 glasses fri& maybe sat, I don't start after dinner and carry on all day, I have dd to look after until she goes to bed

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 17:12:25

Just hide the bottles? like we do

Before telling them not to be so judgy wink

(Where did all the calculators go?? I need to know now and google's not giving it up easily grin)

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 20-Oct-13 17:14:51

"I have dd to look after until she goes to bed"

So does HE!

Poor kid having to spend her weekends around a permanently semi-pissed father.

That is a really shit way to grow up.

Finola1step Sun 20-Oct-13 17:16:28

Yes, he is drinking too much. But only he can decide if he does something about the drinking. You only get to decide if you can live with it. So your choices are:
1. Continue as you are
2. Live with it and stop commenting / nagging
3. live with it and wait for him to change you will have a long wait
4. Decide that you can't live it and leave.
5. Ask him to leave.

There is no negotiating to cut down, trying his best, etc. I doubt it will work. You didn't cause his drinking, you can't stop it and you can't change it. All you can do is make choices for yourself and any children you have.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 20-Oct-13 17:19:20

Yanbu - He is drinking too much by far.

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 17:23:09

I know I can't make him change, he knows how I feel about it and I am starting to think I just can't live with it, it's just he acts like its no big deal and I needed to know if I was overreacting about it. It's not just the amount either, it's like all weekend afternoons are dedicated to drinking now, he does take dd out to park or something in the morning though its not like he doesn't spend time with her but if we go anywhere in afternoon he stays at home

Strumpetron Sun 20-Oct-13 17:25:26

He is drinking too much healthwise, but as long as he's aware of the risks then it's his decision really because it isn't adversely effecting you, he's cooking dinner etc.

valiumredhead Sun 20-Oct-13 17:25:41

Personally I would stop drinking myself because while you are doing so it is giving him the excuse to drink with you. Then all you can do is leave him to it until hopefully he decided to cut back himself.

LillyNotOfTheValley Sun 20-Oct-13 17:31:31

No, YANBU at all, this is way too much over 3 days. TBH, it would make me snoop over his things for clues of hidden drinking when you are not around.. Is he having a hard time at the moment? At work, for example?
Sorry you are going through this

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 17:35:35

Has something happened in your past to make you feel so sensitive about it Melted?

I grew up with drinkers and we're drinkers ourselves, so what you're describing isn't a huge thing on a 1-10 scale, but the fact that it means so much to you is the crux of it.

He has made the effort to try and cut it down because he knows how much it bothers you, and to me that's pretty telling of his feelings for you.

Would you really push your relationship to it's death over him not going the whole tee total thing?

Because that says to me that there are more problems with your relationship than just his drinking.

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 17:39:31

It started when he was out of work, the drinking every night, but I'm talking years ago now, this has been going on for far too long, he is in a stable job now but although he's cut down since having dd, it still seems to be a problem, in my eyes anyway, not his as he's cut it down from what he used to drink before iyswim.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 20-Oct-13 17:40:40

"Would you really push your relationship to it's death over him not going the whole tee total thing?"

hmm

He has a small child and he spends ALL his free time at the weekend drinking.

Oh no, wait. He doesn't start until lunchtime. BOTH DAYS!

That is a hell of a long way from being tee total.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 20-Oct-13 17:42:59

YANBU. He is drinking far, far too much. It will destroy his health.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was also drinking in secret because of your open disapproval.

harticus Sun 20-Oct-13 17:47:35

YANBU. He drinks too much.
I have been around alcoholics all my life.

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 17:47:53

Yes, agent THIS has, do you really think its ok to drink all afternoon on the weekend? When you have a young child. I've grown up with parents who love their wine but they never drank it on this scale. I love a glass of wine myself but this, to me is excessive, don't know why I feel like that I just do

Agentzigzag, it's where do all the calculators go if there's no silicon heaven? they don't go anywhere, they just die
sorry OP

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 17:50:37

Thanks to the YANBU posts, was starting to think its just me overreacting to this

Strumpetron Sun 20-Oct-13 17:52:47

How gutted was Kryton when he found out there's no silicone heaven sad

Some people just like having a drink, health issues aside he's not abusive, he does his share of household things (I assume from your post) and he goes to work like he should.

My DP would be exactly the same as you though OP, he worries about me drinking at the night never mind during the day. I probably would drink more because I like it if I knew it wouldn't worry him.

teacher123 Sun 20-Oct-13 17:57:34

YANBU. Two bottles of wine in a day is too much, especially three days in a row every weekend. I wouldn't like that at all, how can you go out and do anything if he's semi pissed all the time?! As a one off at a party/wedding drinking that amount is fine, but to do it every weekend on his own? Nope I wouldn't like it.

Ajaney Sun 20-Oct-13 23:44:06

OP, I feel for you. Without going into loads of detail, my DP had a problem with Alcohol. Until we had a child, it wasn't really a problem as I liked a drink although not on the same scale. After our DS was born, I would say it was too much, he would promise to cut down then with a few weeks it would be creeping up again.

Anyway, what worked for me was detaching from him when he was drinking, doing my own thing with DS, basically taking the view that there was nothing I could do as it wasn't my problem. After a 'binge' where he forgot he should have been at work, he sought help and stopped drinking. He was teetotal for 9 months & for the last 6 months, he has a couple of pints a week.

In my experience all the talking/nagging/pleading in the world won't make someone stop, they have to want to do it for themselves. Have a look at the Al-anon website. You could maybe post in relationships, some knowledgable posters there about this issue.

Good Luck

ccsays Mon 21-Oct-13 01:40:30

YANBU, that's a ridiculous amount! If my DP drank as much as that it would be a major problem. Surprised at the amount of people saying you're over reacting or being sensitive. And to say it doesn't adversely affect you isn't true, the drink will catch up with him sooner or later health wise. confused

AgentZigzag Mon 21-Oct-13 02:12:29

Sorry Melted, I probably didn't word that very well. I didn't mean that he's tee total now, I meant that if he refused/wasn't able to give it up as you'd like, would you call it a day on your relationship?

That the other things he gives you in the relationship aren't enough to accept this as a part of him and his choice.

And I also meant that it doesn't matter whether I think it's an acceptable amount or that him not being abusive means it's OK, but it's important because it upsets you.

Drinking does creep up on you. When it's a stressful time it can give the illusion of having an excuse for drinking more, but then when the stress subsides it can leave the person feeling they're not having that much compared to what they were drinking stressed out.

It's very distorted.

In some ways I'm defensive on his behalf that because he's not an unpleasant/abusive piss head, that it's just a life choice for him. But then it's bothering you and because it's not an essential and he has control over it (if you think he does have control) then he should make the effort.

If you're not looking to stop him drinking alltogether, could you come to a compromise with him about which bit of it worries you the most and work on that bit before moving on to the other bits?

AgentZigzag Mon 21-Oct-13 02:15:34

(nice one, thanks Calculator smile I was laughing about Kryton last night...'Step up to Red Alert!' 'Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb'. Still gets me every time grin)

Sunnysummer Mon 21-Oct-13 02:32:42

That is a tremendous amount of alcohol. The guidelines for men are around 3-4 units a day with a day or two off per week (and a single pint of strong lager is 3 units, while a bottle of wine is 10).

It would hard to be drinking the amounts you are describing without some level of dependency, though diagnosing anything more specific is not something we can really do over the Internet. A GP can provide him with contacts if (and only if) he chooses to get help, but the ball unfortunately has to be in his court. If you are struggling it may be worth speaking with a local Al-Anon group - they will teach you that whether he has an actual problem or is just choosing to drink this way, "you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it".

I'm always a bit surprised by the number of posters who come on all alcohol-related threads to say that massive consumption is normal as that partners shouldn't nag. Would we all be saying this if someone was taking about consumption of less legal and socially acceptable drugs? While I don't think it's appropriate to control your spouse's life, drinking is a health issue and one likely to totally affect a relationship's (as well as the individual's) health and longevity.

Sunnysummer Mon 21-Oct-13 02:36:04

Btw - Al Anon is for partners and family affected by alcohol and substances, rather than the individuals with issues.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 21-Oct-13 07:14:38

YANBU, he's drinking way too much. I don't understand some of the responses on this thread. So he's able to cook dinner...oh that's ok then! You don't have to be drunk to be dependent on alcohol.

pianodoodle Mon 21-Oct-13 07:18:49

YANBU.

He could actually be drinking more than you think.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 07:20:54

YANBU. That level of alcohol consumption, and especially over a short space of time, is dangerous and excessive. He can't drive a car all weekend presumably which must be a nuisance. Also, the cost must be racking up. However, as anyone who has any experience of alcohol abuse knows, pointing out the excessive drinking and persuading the abuser to cut down are poles apart.

YouTheCat Mon 21-Oct-13 07:35:44

He's drinking about twice the recommended units a week.

Also do you ever get to do family things at the weekend or is your free time dictated by his drinking?

DeckSwabber Mon 21-Oct-13 08:01:56

I'm with you, melted, and I think some of the posters here are missing the point. Its impacting on your life, so it is your business.

What would happen if you suggested an alcohol-free weekend or a dry January? His reaction might tell you if he is becoming dependent.

gnittinggnome Mon 21-Oct-13 08:14:59

That is a lot of booze. A lot. I like a drink, finding this whole sober pregnancy thing irritating, but easily doable - would he be able to give up completely for a month?

And if he is absenting himself from the family at the weekend, I wonder if there are other reasons beyond dependency at play - is he happy in himself? Alcohol is a bitch because it's a depressant, and drinking when already depressed is both a wonderful numbing process and a great way to continue feeling depressed - I speak from personal experience here.

Can you ask him to do things with you and your DD in the weekend afternoons, that will be fun and relaxing for him, and give him an alternative to the booze? I agree that nagging him is not going to help - it's got you this far, but no further.

justmyview Mon 21-Oct-13 08:15:34

Very surprised so many people on here think his drinking level is OK. I think it's a huge amount. His tolerance has probably increased over time

Agree that you can't nag him to change. It has to come from him

I'd suggest you take DD out and do stuff with her during the day which doesn't include drinking eg take her swimming, not out for lunch. Early evening take her to the cinema.

If he asks you to stay home instead, just say "No thanks, I think I'd rather go out and do stuff, would you like to join us?" Don't nag him to join you. If he chooses not to join you, it's his loss

If he's sitting at home drinking on his own, maybe (hopefully) he'll realise what he's missing out on. But if he chooses to sit at home and drink by himself, that'll tell you where his priorities lie

You should also think about role models. Not good for your DD to grow up thinking it's normal to drink all afternoon

fatlazymummy Mon 21-Oct-13 09:12:57

Yes, I think it is too much.
I think some posters on this forum tend to minimise the amounts and effects of alcohol when it comes in the form of wine, which is seen as a sociable ,relaxing kind of drink. It is the units which is the issue . Take a look at the strength of the wine - is it high? When I was a drinker I wouldn't buy anything less than 14°, irrespective of what type of wine it was or what it 'went with' -I was only interested in the alcohol in it.
I could easily drink a bottle of this wine in an hour, and still cook dinner and look after my kids. It's called being a 'functional alcoholic'.
I'm not saying that term neccesarily applies to your husband, but it sounds quite possible to me, and that's going on personal experience, and that of other people that I know.
It is true that he needs to want to stop himself. He may not want to, of course, he sounds as if he is functioning quite well and 'rock bottom' is a long way away.
Al-anon does help some people, and you may want to try that.

expatinscotland Mon 21-Oct-13 09:16:04

How do you afford it? Holy shit!

newgirl Mon 21-Oct-13 09:25:17

He's an alcoholic

That's drinking to subdue his feelings and to avoid real interaction with his family

He needs to rethink this and might need support from his gp. The upsetting thing is that op finds herself having to deal with it which is hard and could be difficult in their marriage but he needs to see what his choices/actions are doing - so sorry op

Aeroaddict Mon 21-Oct-13 09:28:34

YANBU. Your OH sounds like he is checking out of family life for most of the weekend because alcohol is more important to him. It must be costing you a fortune, and as you say his health is bound to suffer. I don't think there is a lot you can do about it though, apart from decide if you can live with it or not.

Beastofburden Mon 21-Oct-13 09:35:08

It sounds as if he has partly accepted the safe drinking message, as he has given up drinking a similar amount during the week. I get the impression that ideally you'd like him to stop drinking entirely. I also get the impression he is unwilling to do that. So you have an impasse where he feels if he gives in about weekends that will be the end of it, and you are rightly concerned that the weekend drinking is unhealthy and anitsocial.

Do you think he might go for a different pattern entirely? 2-3 drinks a night with 1-2 nights doing something else so he can't drink ( a sport? music? a film night with you?) would be infinitely better for his health.

EldritchCleavage Mon 21-Oct-13 12:13:34

It's not just the amount either, it's like all weekend afternoons are dedicated to drinking now, he does take dd out to park or something in the morning though its not like he doesn't spend time with her but if we go anywhere in afternoon he stays at home

The amount is too much, yes, but more worrying I think are the signs of dependency: having to have it, being very defensive about it, prioritising drinking over other activities and family life generally.

If you couldn't or wouldn't do the lion's share with DD at the weekend what would happen? Would your DH step in, or would she end up plonked in front of the TV so he could drink?

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Mon 21-Oct-13 12:25:42

YANBU in that he is drinking too much and his behaviour sounds like that of an alcoholic. Sorry.
But I don't know what you're meant to do.
How the hell did you manage to "nag" him into not drinking in the week?

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Mon 21-Oct-13 12:28:38

He doesn't get drunk because his tolerance is high due to his high intake.
But I would find this annoying too. All that money and needing to be wined up.

SolitudeSometimesIs Mon 21-Oct-13 13:38:37

YANBU. He is drinking too much and also the fact that weeked afternoons are dedicated to drinking is ridiculous and so selfish.

What the hell would he do if you or your daughter had an accident on a Sunday afternoon and he needed to drive you to the hospital? I ask this as I had an accident yesterday and my husband needed to take me to hospital and then mind our two and a half year old all day.

My Dad is like this. Drinks 'til it's all drunk and then heads to bed, like he doesn't see the point in staying up if there's no alcohol. It boils my blood.

Does he say that he'd prefer to stay home and drink instead of going out and spend time as a family? I'm just trying to imagine how that conversation goes. I'd kill DH for that.

RaspberryRuffle Mon 21-Oct-13 18:10:26

Your DH sounds like a functioning alcoholic, can hold things together outwardly but has a dependency on alcohol.
I think the amount and the pattern are too much for your family. It's too regular.
What would happen if you want to go out on a weekend evening with your DD? Would he come? What if you asked him to drive there?

I'm surprised at so many posters saying it's not too much because it seems like OP is pretty much left to her own devices with their DD while her DH sits and drinks all afternoon, every weekend.

I do think this is too much, for pperspective I have been known to have 2 bottles of wine myself but not every weekend.

Mim78 Mon 21-Oct-13 18:29:45

He is drinking far too much! Yanbu at all. Starting at 1 - 2 as a habit on weekends sounds very worrying as does the overall amount he is drinking on these days.

And I agree with others this is really bad for dd.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Mon 21-Oct-13 23:55:18

I agree it's far too much, both in volume of alcohol and time dedicated to it, to the detriment of your family life. He does sound like a functioning alcoholic. I don't know what else to advise apart from Al-anon as others have done, but wanted to let you know that I agree with your worries, and this is undoubtedly going to impact on his health.

Annakin31 Tue 22-Oct-13 05:13:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat Tue 22-Oct-13 07:17:15

My ex was like OP's husband, although he was drinking every day. It meant never having more than a 2 hour window to do anything as a family as he'd get so grumpy if we ate into his drinking time.

It also meant I could never make plans to go out with friends as I didn't feel I could leave the kids with him. He ruined our twins' 10 th birthday as he 'just popped out for 30 minutes' and came back 2 hours later, pissed.

I'm not saying OP should LTB but he needs to address the drinking or it will not end well.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Oct-13 07:43:53

I think 'LTB' has to be on the table here. If the 'B' thinks the OP would never 'L' then they really have no motivation to change behaviour... they're all right Jack. There is no joy in a family when one is abusing alcohol.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Tue 22-Oct-13 08:33:27

There is no joy in a family when one is abusing alcohol

One of the saddest and truest things I' ve ever read.

Anyone minimising this behaviour is either:
1. The luckiest poster in the world who has no idea what alcohol abuse (and make no mistake, this is drinking too much) does to a family
Or
2. In total denial because their own consumption is similar.

Good for you for speaking out OP and my very best wishes to you for a resolution and peaceful future.

That's a lot of alcohol.

I'd feel contemptutous of someone who drank so much so routinely, so joylessly.

contemptuous, also.

AgentZigzag Tue 22-Oct-13 10:49:04

Annakin, what I actually said if you quoted it all was that 'I grew up with drinkers and we're drinkers ourselves, so what you're describing isn't a huge thing on a 1-10 scale, but the fact that it means so much to you is the crux of it'.

That it doesn't matter what the norm is for other people, it's the OP that counts, not sure why you find that 'depressing'.

I think adults can/should choose for themselves. Are you one of those people who like everyone to be micromanaged with the rules you've dictated?

And if you'd read the thread you'd have seen my attitude in my post on 21-Oct-13 02:12:29 which is nothing like you've made it out to be.

sashh Tue 22-Oct-13 11:36:12

Have you come across the term 'weekend alcoholic' OP?

How gutted was Kryton when he found out there's no silicone heaven But he knew that was a lie.

whois Tue 22-Oct-13 12:14:15

I am surprised at the number of people minimising this

The guy is drinking a lot of units, way too many. He has checked out of family life and dedicated weekend afternoons and evening to drinking, going to bed as soon as the drink is finished.

So he can't drive, they can't do anything as a family, OP has to look after their child on her own.

That is problem drinking. Clear and simple.

No idea what to suggest OP as I had no experience of functioning alcoholics. Could you try booking in some full day out of the house weekend activities? Or trying to introduce a 'no wine before 6' rule or something?

MrBloomsMarrow Tue 22-Oct-13 12:15:17

OP I have a serious alcohol problem which crept up on me over a long time. What made me try to address it was that it was beginning to impact on my family - for years I had a rule that I never drank until kids were in bed but, over time, this somehow slipped until I would start as soon as I got in from work.
The major warning sign that he is developing a problem is that he is prioritising drinking over spending time with his family.
I think it's a really good point that it may sound more acceptable because he's drinking wine. Two bottles of wine is equivalent to 2/3 bottle of spirits or 3 x 2 litre bottles of super strength cider which I think most people would agree is a hell of a lot to polish off 3 times a week.
In your shoes, I think I'd write him a letter explaining how you feel _ that you worry about his health and feel sad that he doesn't want to spend his weekends with you and leave it at that for a while.
Good luck.

EldritchCleavage Tue 22-Oct-13 12:15:53

But I don't think the OP can 'police' this. It won't work (why should he obey her?) and will corrode their relationship. He has to sort it out. OP has to decide what she is going to do, for herself and her DD< if he fails to sort it out, and what his time frame for sorting it out is.

YouTheCat Tue 22-Oct-13 12:23:19

That's true. He has to do it himself. No amount of nagging will work and no amount of gently explaining will either. My ex would just make out that I was some unreasonable nag who wanted to dictate what he did with his free time. He did not get that I just wanted him to be a husband and father some of the time.

It's been 3 and a half years since I left and he admitted last weekend that he was totally wrong and made a lot of bad choices and was, in his words, a bit of a twat to me and the kids. Pity he hadn't realised 10 years ago when I might have been inclined to work at our marriage.

I do think writing it down is a good idea.

Speaking as someone whose DP is a functioning alcoholic, realistically there's not a lot that you can do, OP. As everyone else has said, he has to be the one to do it.

I'm luckier than you, in that DP now only drinks after DS has gone to bed and is quite rigid with himself about that rule. But the only way I've found to cut his drinking down is to literally give him a budget - x amount per month for both fags and beer - which we agreed upon together (he knows he's an alcoholic and has been working to stop it impacting on us as a family, which is mostly working).

If he hadn't agreed to it, he'd still be doing what he was before, which was just taking my debit card without telling me. Sometimes he'd be spending upwards of £100 in a week without it actually registering in his mind that he was spending so much.

I agree with other posters who say you should write down your feelings and show it to your DP. If you can help him realise that he really does have a problem, it could be his first step towards improvement.
Big hugs to you, I know how awful this can be flowers

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