Is this friendship dying? Next chapter!(67 Posts)
Thought I'd post again as got great advice last time plus I awoke to a new development & needed some help to decide what to do!
Quick background if you didn't read last post: BF & I friends for over 5 years. Bridesmaids for each other, she's my DD's Godmother. This last year I've been making the effort to contact her, she never makes first move & this year I've had a pretty rough year - 2 major surgeries and I lost a baby. She really hasn't been there.
Anyway last week I asked whether I should just let things be. General consensus was just be there if she wants to see you. Shouldn't be all or nothing. In the week it was her birthday. Dropped round a present and card but I couldn't stay long as she was having a stressful time at work and wanted to rest. I asked her if she was planning on doing anything nice for her b'day, she said her DH was taking her for dinner. I logged into FB this morning and there were photos of a dinner party with some of my other friends. Now I'm really confused (& hurt). No-one mentioned a party & now it seems like it isn't just my BF that's distancing herself, other friends are too (unless they went to party expecting to see me & if they did what did she tell them?).
I can't for the life of me figure out what I've done to warrant this treatment. What do I do? Confront? Ignore? Can't stop thinking about it.
Hmmm i'd probably comment or like a picture and see what she says. Its saves actually confrontig though could argue that thats passive aggressive.
Thats not. Nice situation, really feel for you.
Id defintly comment on the photos, something like , looks likema fab time was had bynall your friends
If she's your bf I'd be honest with her, ask if you can come round and lay it on the table.
I couldn't just let it go, especially after so kych history.
I had a similar situation with my bf a few years ago, she married into a family of arseholes and became one herself. We talked it through and came out as friends but we're not bf's anymore but to be honest we're both ok with that, it didn't just fizzle out and im glad.
Some days I feel sad that what we used to have is gone but I've moved on and now have 2 very close friends who I know would do anything for me, and I still see my former bf regularly.
That's the only advice I have, things are probably so far progressed that you may only remain as friends, I know iit's easier to say 'drop her' than it is to actually do it!
That's very hurtful. Something sort of similar happened to me and after a lot of stewing I just let it go and focused on making new friends.
What do you want to happen?
Looking at your post I read para 3 as if you had already told her you wanted to cool the friendship "I asked whether I should just let things be". If so may be she read into that that you want to let the friendship ebb away quietly and without fuss. So if you had said that maybe she took that as you didn't want to be a part of her life and hence the lack of invite to the dinner?
If you really want to get it sorted (one way or other other) you have to ask her. Not in a confrontational way but just get her out for a coffee and raise the issue delicately. It is obviously upsetting you and you need to discuss it with her.
I have found that generally friendships do ebb and flow and that is no reflection on a person; life doesn't stand still and friendships reflect this.
Get it sorted and then you will know
Thanks all. I had considered making a comment or "liking" a pic but then thought it might look like I was fishing for an explanation to why I wasn't there (although I guess that's what I am doing!).
I think we've just grown apart. Since having DD and especially after the year I've had, I've re-evaluated my priorities. I really can't be bothered with cryptic FB statues which require the "hon, you ok?" and the photos that require you to write "looking hot". I don't do that anymore to her, she's got another friend who will. I'm sad for me but I'm also sad my for DD. I'd it carries in like this shell have a Godmother she doesn't see and the reason we picked Godparents is because we're religious and wanted DD to have a "family" as I don't have parents and DH has just his mother.
angel, sorry if wasn't clear. I asked that question to MN, haven't raised any of this with my friend at all. Tbh, we haven't spoken for 6 weeks.
If she said she was going out for a meal with her dp, maybe she thought that was what was happening.
If her dp organised this as a surprise it could very well be a mistake that you weren't there.
The other friends can still be friends with you. They've not necessarily taken sides because they are out with her.
angel If I'm reading the post right, she was asking MN if she should let things be', not asking the friend. I agree with you that to discuss it openly is best, a friendship that's lasted this long deserves that.
Long shot but I wonder if her dinner with her and her husband turned into something bigger at the last minute. Then again she still could have text you or something. Really appalling behaviour in any case that you need to ask her about.
I'm going through a similar thing myself at the moment so I understand how these things hurt.
soislife - I realised after I posted that you must have asked that generally to MN rather than saying it to her directly.
If you are happy to let the friendship go then don't worry about asking her.
But if it going to eat you up ask her. You can do it gently in a way that allows you to pull back if the initial response is not good.
I'd guess the friendship is already pretty dead from her point of view. I'd ask her why you weren't invited.
People often say about how friends with kids don't make time to maintain their "pre motherhood" friendships,what with new priorities and not free to go out all the time etc - I think it can go wrong the other way too. Sometimes people assume that once you've got a baby you're not interested in being included or always too busy, or maybe it's just case of people not feeling as in synch with their lives or less common ground.
I have really made an effort with my two closest friends, but have definitely found a lack of reciprocation in one of the friendships. So after being patient for a year, I have decided just to give in to the fizzleing out of the friendship which is quite sad, but it means I feel less pissed off about it.
But lives and connections do change, so I guess I am only allowed mummy friends now eh?
But I feel for you as it is important to have some connection to life beyond your family and to your old self and friendships. And I think it's a bit crap on on her part.
I'm just tired of all this "high school" drama. I wish I knew what'd changed but I'm just not into confrontation.
It sounds like you've stopped massaging her ego, so you are changing the dynamics of the friendship. There is nothing to stop you actually inviting her around and arranging to do stuff - showing that you interested in her as a person and friend even though you no longer do the ego massaging bit?
Friendship aside, she is your dd's Godmother. It sounds like that if this were to continue, your friend would not be able or willing to fulfill the role of what you consider to a godmother to be. Therefore, you do need to have a conversation with her. Ignore all the FB stuff. Talk to her face to face, just you two. Ask her if you have done anything to upset her. See what she says. If she is no longer interested in you and your family, then you will need to think very seriously about the Gidmother role. It is possible to add another later on, I did this myself at the age of 9 and had a small rechristening.
bettsiom - think your observation is exactly right & the distancing has just been intensified as with my surgeries I've been in too much pain to go out places, plus I haven't vernal lowed to drive for 2 months with my recovery.
Ouch, that hurts. I had a similar situation with my BF of 15 years. She started being "really busy with work" all the time. I then found out through a friend of mine that she'd had a dinner party and invited my friend but not me. I realised that you can't make someone give you what you want in a relationship so I decided to wait for her to make the next contact and that was 6 years ago.
I think she decided that we'd grown apart. In a way, although I was hurt as I lost my best friendship, I wasn't angry with her as I wondered what could you do in her situation? Sit down with a friend and tell them you don't want to see them?
I'd definitely leave it now. What more do you need to know? She couldn't have made it clearer by not inviting you for her birthday dinner. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to remain friends.
Please don't comment on Facebook - you won't come out of it well whatever you say.
If you ask her what's up, it's extremely unlikely she'll tell you the truth as people don't like to be confronted or put on the spot, she will probably feel awkward and trot out some white lies about why she's not seen you/invited you - so I don't think you will get closure.
Hold your head high and let this go and work through your hurt feelings on your own. This happens in life, it's hard but you need to move on.
Your dd won't really care either way, honestly.
In the circumstances you describe, I would have to ask her outright why you weren't invited & ask if you've done something to offend as that's not nice.
Nobody should expect to be invited to a dinner party.
OP, if you feel the friendship is worth saving, ask her outright why you were not invited. Perhaps you do need to distance yourself from this group, but talking to them, as well as to the friend concerned, will help you to work out what the actual dynamic is. I think that commenting on the Facebook photos is passive aggressive, tempted though I would be!
I'm in a similar situation with my BF of nearly 30 years (met when we were toddlers). She and her DH were moving away for his job. I met up with her and said to let me know her move date and we'd get together to say goodbye. I heard nothing from her, then weeks later I saw a reference on Facebook to a farewell party that had happened without my knowledge. She's since contacted me to say she has had her son (I knew about her pregnancy), but apart from that, pretty much nothing. I don't have her address, and feel like she decided to leave me behind in every sense when she moved. Bear in mind she had been my maid of honour a couple of months before, I had been hers, and she had asked me to be godmother to her daughter, in a baptism which never actually took place.
I have accepted that the friendship has simply run its course, although I can't bring myself to delete her number, and have not told her of my own pregnancy. It's sad, but we had not been the kind of friends who talked every day. I'm concentrating on my hobbies, and on my pregnancy, and will find new friends.
merguez, if a friend has a party to celebrate her birthday to which she invites your other mutual friends but not you, then that is a snub.
Ballistapus I think you're right, and actually that's a gentle way for a friendship to change / end - to just leave the ball in their court.
And it avoids all the drama and confrontation so if you do bump into them, it may actually be pleasant!
Do people really do this then in real life, put friends on the spot by asking them why they weren't invited to social occasions? I (kind of) get why some are advising OP to ask the friend what's gone wrong though I wouldn't do that either, but to ask someone why they weren't invited to dinner...? I think it's not only putting pressure on someone, it's actually rude!
Could it be that it was a surprise party organised for her without her knowledge, and that the organiser overlooked you for whatever reason?
This would explain her saying she was off out to dinner with her DH, which was otherwise a complete and bare-faced lie, and worse still one told in response to receiving a present from you.
I would be extremely hurt and puzzled in your situation.
I wonder if you've been too needy in her eyes.
It's just that this happened with my friends when I had a particularly stressful year.
When I got through the other side of it, I realised that, not only had my friends been conspicuous by their absence, but they had moved on. All my efforts to stay friends or to find out what I'd done were met with silence.
So I concluded that all I'd done was to need more than they were prepared to give. It's sad and harsh, but I think they really did run a mile because they couldn't cope with what was happening to me and didn't know what to do. Once in the habit of avoiding me, they continued avoiding me when I was better.
Sometimes good friends are there for you and support you through the hard times. I don't think it's as common as people like to think, though.
I think a lot of people do drop friends with issues and problems because they don't want to be dragged down and depressed: they consider they're no longer getting anything out of the relationship.
It's especially hurtful when you've previously been the one to give a lot when you were needed.
I think you may get her back if you return to that bright, happy, social person you once were. You reply to those inane FB statuses, you act as though nothing has happened and you've just been away for a while. Certainly, you never hint that you might want more than a sympathetic, non-committal response to any problem you may have.
You might find that a bit too superficial and false, though. You might prefer to let her go.
The word 'confrontation' has horrible connotations. This is obviously upsetting you so please talk it through with her. You never know, you or her may have misunderstood some things. It would annoy me not knowing why she felt like this, a friend I've known for years.
I don't expect to be invited to all events but to see a photo of a party that includes 6 mutual friends is a shock.
Tanith you make a good point. This year hasn't been fun. I haven't been able to go out & she has to come to me & I guess it isn't fun seeing someone living in their pjs, in obvious pain & shrinking before their eyes.
Now that I'm feeling stronger I wanted to get back to how things were but I'm not sure whether that's possible now.
SuperMuddle that sucks. Uplifting though in a way to find others in a similar situation - and concentrating on new things is a positive way to deal with it. Reckon I'll do the same!
Life's too short to get bogged down with annoying crap and frustrations. Stupid facebook!
Op I really feel for you. And fwiw I think you sound thoughtful, loyal and self-aware - in other words a really good friend.
I am literally going through exactly the same thing. Bf of 20+ years standing and godmother to my ds1 (have lived together too) didn't make me godparent to her dd1. With any other friend I would have been fine about this - but for many many reasons this was a massive snub.
I did actually let her know how hurt I was - she was mortified, tearful, gutted and explicitly promised I would be Gm to her second. Which she had last week. I diverted a massive drive from south to north to drop in with flowers, presents and to meet the baby. Nothing was mentioned and I just knw I am not dd2 Gm.
I am gutted - mostly because last time I had accepted that our friendship had drifted and was prepared to let it fizzle out - but she begged for this not to be the case. Now she knows what will happen and seems prepared for that and it hurts...
Fwiw I think I would just let it go and focus on other friends. I do not think the any of the others at the dinner party have snubbed you.
Colin, thank you :-) What a horrible situation for you too. Think we've both got to try & stop letting other's actions effect our feelings. Very difficult when they're supposed to be the people who are most important to us. I'm just clinging into the fact it's all done unintentionally & it's circumstances that have distanced us rather than me as a person!
like I said last time I had a good friend for about 20 yrs about three years ago I realised I was doing all the running and she never phoned me.IT Gt to a point where I phoned her up to arrange a meet up and she said she could nt possibly fit me in for at least six weeks and I thought sod you she has never phoned me since.she does nt know I have moved ,that a couple of years ago I had a really bad time at work [with senior managers bullying] or that my little boy is very probably autistic maybe she has had a bad time too who knows but we were always there for each other and she deceided to drop me frankly I have neither the time or the energy to bother with her now very sad but it happens.
Tbh I'd want to know why - and heck if the friendship is pretty much dead what have you got to lose by asking? If you do it right there's no loss if dignity, if it's over you'll know why and if not then you cab relax and see where it goes from there.
So I would ask face to face in a nice a way as poss - eg you have valued her friendship over the years and have noticed she has been very distant from you - is there anything up and if she feels the friendship is over you respect that but would like to understand why.
It sounds like you have changed OP and she is not prepared to be the friend that you need and have needed over the past year.
She either cant or wont be that friend who stands by you and is always there through good or bad.
Sad but I would just let it go.
Yes you are right soislife. I do also worry about the fact that she is Gm to ds1 and I now want to let the friendship slide. Luckily he is 7 so can write his own thank you letters etc. she is welcome to have any relationship she wants with him but I won't be doing much to facilitate it.
If you don't make a thing of it with your kids, they honestly won't notice or grieve for their godparents...lots of people have god parents they barely see. Try not to pass on your hurt to your dc.
Why don't you ask one of the friends if they know what you have done that is so bad? Not on faceache obviously...
But it might be time to make some new friends.
How well are you now? Would it be an idea to throw yourself an "I'm back" party? A chance for all your friends to come out with you and not be scared you're going to keel over? It might reset the relationships and then you can leave the ball in their respective courts?
There's definitely something in the air at the moment with all these broken friendships!
Personally I would move on and let her be. She's obviously decided that your friendship is not worth reconciling hence the lack of invite. The fact it's now on fb and she knows you can see it means she doesn't care that you wasn't invited.
I'd be pissed about buying her present! The fact you made the effort to drop it round but she rushed you out because she was 'stressed' is also a big hint.
You need to seriously think about her being GM. If she can't be bothered to be a good friend to you do you really trust her to look out for your lo if the time ever came?
I think Tanith is right, but as someone who has been very needy and has lost friends in exactly the way she describes, I don't want them back.
OP, is there a mutual friend who was at the party that you can trust for an honest word?
I can see how this would be hurtful. I'd let it go, don't contact her, see if she contacts you. Like others have said, the ball is in her court.
Do you want her back OP, godmother duties aside? She sounds juvenile and superficial if what she wants from you is instant responses to Facebook updates...? If that's all she's got to offer to someone who clearly needs more, I'd write her off and if she doesn't make an effort to be your daughter's godmother, get a new one.
Yet more great advice. Thank you!
My health is almost back to 100% so I could arrange some nights out but after being "ignored" for so many months I really don't want to put the effort in, especially if I get knocked back! Would rather spend my time with DH & DD who have put up with an awful lot this year.
The more I think about it it's obvious BF has moved on. Her new BF (who she is being bridesmaid for) is 10 years younger than me (BF is 5 years younger than me) so maybe the fact I'm old and boring has played a part!
Interesting comments about her being GM. We were very choosy who we picked as, as I said up thread, we haven't got many family members so wanted to create a bigger family for DD. I guess she'll always be her GM but her religious guidance can come from our church.
It's at the point where you either ask her or let it go.
Would it appear needy to ask though? It's my dignity thus far that has prevented me saying anything. That's why it'd been six weeks (before I dropped present round) without contact.
I feel I should just let things be now that the initial shock of seeing the FB pics has worn off. I've had a crap year, I really only want positive influences around me.
I really don't understand why you can't just ask her. If you don't feel like you can talk to her truly the friendship really wasn't that deep was it?
OP why don't you just ring her up and talk to her. Tell her you've felt there's distance between you and you aren't sure if you've just grown apart because you're now two very different people. Ask her if she feels you haven't been there for her and then, if you want, tell her you feel a bit unsupported.
You need to communicate though, you need to see what her pov is and where, if anywhere, you can take this friendship.
I'm not sure it would be a good idea to ask her outright. It puts her in an awkward position and causes tension.
I think you have a good idea what's going on. I think your friend has probably just moved on she sounds quite immature and as other posters have said you aren't massaging her ego anymore. Just let it be. Keep her as an acquaintance who was once a friend. If you put her on the spot she will probably make a drama out of it and it could cause an atmosphere with your other friends.
I think it depends on the nature of the friendship TheArticFunky, how it used to be especially. I wouldn't have a problem saying it to some of my friends, others yes but some would welcome the honesty outright rather then distancing and uncertainty on both or one side.
If you want the friendship back OP or the closure of 'knowing' then ask her either call or email. If you can distance (she sounds like she may not be too bothered but only you can guess that for sure) then just withdraw and find like-minded people to spend time with.
To be honest Im not sure she will give you a straight answer. I had a similar experience , a BF and godmother to my dd who droppped me after some ridiculous issue over our older sons. She gradually started inviting all our mutual friends to things and not me and when I asked her if there was an issue she denied it and threw me the odd crumb suggesting we do something together in a month or so's time and when we were out gradually started ignoring me. Its awful now as we just don't speak, but see each other a lot. Now I look back, the signs of her behaviour were always there, shes treated other people badly and they weren't surprised. Im really sorry for you because its awful when you go through a tough time to find people you cared about aren't the people you thought they were. Like you say, the church and its community can provide a religious influence on your dd and my advice would be to find other friends to throw your energies into. As you say why waste your energy by throwing parties for these old friends. Life is too short to waste it on people that can't be there for you. Find people who can whilst remaining civil and light hearted to these other so called frineds. So yes do the inane rubbish talk on facebook but detach yourself from it and put your energy in other people. PM me anytime
Great post earlier by minnie.
Also agreeing with TheArctic about reclassifying the relationship into something not as big, that's if you really can't face a gentle talk with her.
I think you just relaise southeastdweller, that the friendship isn't that deep by the actions of the friend and then the conversation doesn't seem worth having.
But at least there's a chance she'll know what happened. And she's got not much to lose anyway by the sounds of it.
I had this a few years ago my friend was being off with me,we never lived in each others pockets.Was supposed to be going away on a weekend,didnt hear fro her all week,the thursday she pops up and sprouts some shite.We went anyway had a good time but i could feel something wasnt right.So i askThated her if i did something to offend her she said no.A few months later i had my baby,she was away on holiday.
She turns up 6 weeks later,says we have to get together soon.4 months later she was supposed to meet me,never turned up.
What really hurt was i was out with the baby in the cold to meet her.
I went home and rang her no answer.So i deleted her number ,i got the hint.
That was 2 years ago and havent heard from her since.I would let her get in contact and if she doesnt you know where you stand.
No, I uess youre right. Maybe your pride if she says nothing! Hope you got some answers to your situation southeastdweller. Its not pleasant is it?
It's really awful, Laura, but this thread's been helpful. It hurts. Working up to a gentle but firm chat soon.
Call me naieve (if only I could spell it), but isn't searching people's activities on Facebook, sort of spying on people?
You have my biggest sympathies OP, esp. after buying present etc, so I don't doubt your dilemma/situation.
But isn't looking up friends and what they're doing, sort of spying on them? Nothing good can come of it IMO. And equally, I would add, nothing good can come of putting up photos of a birthday party to all and sundry, but not including other friends.
She didn't say she searched, she said the photos came up. So it's the OP's friends that were there. One of whom she could ask if she can't ask the person in question.
Or you could play her at her own game and see how she likes it and have a party and not invite her. Might show her how hurtful it is.
I don't really get this picking up and dropping friends, like gradually no longer wearing a dress you were once mad about. And for her to bustle you out of the house saying she was 'stressed'
urgh and urgh. Not sure she's worth the breath tbh. That is just shitty. Plastering photos all over fb with your mutual friends. urgh.
I'm in two minds about this. I'm in a similar position in that a very old friend seems to be distancing herself - I saw her in a supermarket recently, stood in front of her, and she pretended to not see me (you couldn't make this up...). It is now clear that she has been doing a planned exit for some time (went right over my head lol) and I'm wondering about whether to write to her. I've tried talking to her (in a non-confrontational way) but all I get is the fobbing off stuff. If I wrote it wouldn't be angry, just mystified; a kind of farewell letter.
But I'm not sure someone who gets you out of her house (when you've come a long way to give her a present), then invites all your friends to a party - when she is your dd's gm - is worth it. She sounds ignorant.
If talk to her in person and say you feel disappointed about the party and support.
My dearest best friend and me went through a mutual experience (a very stressful, work related course) it was extremely wearying, and time consuming.At the end of this she told me she wanted a break, to be just with her family, who she thought she had neglected over the months we had worked together on this course.
Several weeks turned into several months of occasional phone contact, until her niece contacted me to tell me my dear friend was terminally ill, saw her a couple of times, during which we talked about things that she said only I would have raised, and which she desperately wanted to talk through, she died before we had a chance to stop talking about everything she wanted to say.
All I would say is meet up, try to get things out in the open and sort out how your friendship will go forward, tell her you love and miss her (if you do), tell her how much you need her (if you do) at least have the conversation, then you know you have done everything possible for someone you love and care for, if she doesn't need it right now, let her know that if she ever does again, your love for her is still there.
best wishes for you, losing the closeness of a valued friend, in whatever way, hurts.
I would let it go, and te friendship tbh, sounds like you have grown apart
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