To be livid my DH has just told me to get a job

(124 Posts)
strawberriesandplumbs Sat 19-Oct-13 00:12:53

I have my own business working from home, I work a few hours a day and although don't make a fortune I earn more than when I worked part time. We have two DC and I do all the housework, shopping, dog walking ect. DCs are young teenagers but I deal with all the school stuff and day to day stuff. DH will occasionally pick dd1 up at night from friends. He does work hard but I do think he sees no value at all in what I do. Usually I shrug it off but tonight he hugely pissed me off by saying that after giving me money to shop he had only had beans in today to eat. Developed into a big row, mostly on my part but basically he said get out and get a job. He is a workaholic and thinks down time is dead time. Is he been unreasonable to want me to work every hour of daylight like he does. I like to stop and smell the daisies.

ICameOnTheJitney Sat 19-Oct-13 00:15:33

Well are you struggling financially as a family? If so, maybe you DO need a job...Why were only beans to eat? I also work from home and manage to do the shopping and housework too.

ZZZenagain Sat 19-Oct-13 00:18:23

but if she has her own business working from home, she does have a Job/is contributing to the family income.

Is your business not bringing in much money or does he not consider it a proper Job?

Are you smelling the daisies and living on money he works out of the home for? Are there only beans to eat? Do you have many more hours 'off' than him?

strawberriesandplumbs Sat 19-Oct-13 00:20:21

Sorry should of said that was only what he could manage to make himself as I didn't cook as I was busy working. He expects me to feed him.

Bunbaker Sat 19-Oct-13 00:20:39

He gives you money to shop?!!! This isn't the 1950s. Why don't you have a joint bank account and separate savings accounts?

strawberriesandplumbs Sat 19-Oct-13 00:21:31

I do work. And we are financially secure.

HulaHooperStormTrooper Sat 19-Oct-13 00:21:48

Are you me?!

I work from home. I see working as a way to make enough money to enjoy life.. as long as what needs paying gets paid then everything else is a bonus.

OH works hard for his money and makes a LOT more than me, he pays mortgage and bills and gives me money monthly for the food shop. Because he pays, I can stay at home and be available for the DC and I tend to do the lions share of the housework etc but make enough to pay for ME things (my car, my personal bills and buy stuff I want to for myself and the kids).

God forbid he go to the fridge and there not be anything there he can grab though, sheesh! Most of the time it works fine actually but occasionally his resentment at me being home all day shines through and he will ask whether I am getting a job.. errrr I make more money doing what I do (and I love it a LOT) than if I were to work elsewhere!!

Anyway I ramble, do you think your current set up is fair on both of you?

ZZZenagain Sat 19-Oct-13 00:23:40

you know he is BU if you work already and there are no financial difficulties. There is no obvious reason for you to get a job in addition to what you already do as far as I can see. Obviously though he thinks you have a cushy life and resents it.

Coupon Sat 19-Oct-13 00:24:10

YANBU. You already have a job and there's nothing wrong with wanting a healthy work-life balance.

ICameOnTheJitney Sat 19-Oct-13 00:24:22

So if you work and are financially secure...why would he tell you to get a job? confused

strawberriesandplumbs Sat 19-Oct-13 00:26:27

Hula yes this sounds very familiar. He loves his job and works a lot of hours happily. I earn just about half his wage but I do everything else. His issue is the hours I work, I do think he thinks I and everyone else should work and nothing else.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 00:29:32

I'm in a similar position and work from home (just finished for the night <huge chug of gin>) and think it pays for itself because of the flexibility I have with running the house and pandering to the DDs.

DH has said similar things to me because the work I do is very low paid, but if I slog I can bring home a pretty decent monthly wage, and DH thinks I could do less work for more money.

I didn't take this well because even though he's right, it was like he was saying that if I got a better paid job for less hours I could do more housework and he wouldn't have to do the extra hmm (which is how the subject came up)

It also didn't acknowledge that I was putting in long hours for crap pay for all of us - which he did apologise off his own back for the twat

He's definitely had trouble adjusting to the roles we've both played for so long changing, and even though I wanted to clock him one didn't take what he said very well, I thought afterwards that maybe he was just trying to say what was on his mind.

It's not for anyone to tell you to get a job, but it's OK for your DH to wonder what direction both your lives are going in and have a preference for one thing over another. Whether you agree or not is for you to decide, but maybe he's just sick of being skint and wants the fun of planning what to do with the extra cash?

strawberriesandplumbs Sat 19-Oct-13 00:30:28

I love my work life balance and often think Yey I'm doing ok in this life. Then he craps it up with the guilt trip. ZZZ I ghink that's a bit of it but I worked hard to start my business and I did it to get this balance. I'm just pissed he's raining on my parade.

HulaHooperStormTrooper Sat 19-Oct-13 00:33:14

Yup. Just the same here, its fairly low pay but I love being at home and the freedom I have with it

freedom like I have just finished work lol

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 00:35:18

Sorry should of said that was only what he could manage to make himself as I didn't cook as I was busy working. He expects me to feed him.

so basically you can do whatever you like as long as you don your pinny and have his dinner on the table when he gets home? Presumably if you did get a job with the same hours as him he would not take on half of the home based work you do now with the kids, shopping, admin, housework etc?

Tell him a) to fuck off and b) that the 1950's called and said can they have their sexism back please.

Iaintdunnuffink Sat 19-Oct-13 00:37:37

Yes dear I will. This is the list of things we'll have to cover equally between us. Ps on number one on ,the list is ; thinking about all the boring crap that needs to be done.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 00:37:56

Actually maybe you could broach it like that.

Say that yes, you will get a job working the same hours but that you want to sit down and work out an equitable division of labour in the home and "oh by the way, you will have to start taking time off for dentist appoinments and when the kids are ill".

He will back pedal so fast you could run the national grid!

strawberriesandplumbs Sat 19-Oct-13 00:38:16

Bunbaker. Sorry just read your post. That was a random one off which probably kicked it off. We do all joint accounts with separate business accounts.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 19-Oct-13 00:43:47

So he told you to get a job on top of the paid employment you already have because you were working and couldn't cook him dinner?

If he belonged to me he would be wearing his dinner.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 00:46:15

Sock You have got to love that logic havent you?

"You didnt get my dinner because you were working so go and get a better job, that will teach because then you......wont....be able to err.......shit."

grin

strawberriesandplumbs Sat 19-Oct-13 00:49:21

He will ask me what I have done each day and I feel like I need a timetable to present. I work, I walk, I cook. I'm happy. But I feel guilty for that. Twat. Ps. He is a good sort but should of been a line manager in a Victorian workhouse.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 00:57:33

The time management thing is very controlling, I don't think DH has ever asked me what I've done in the day in 13 years, and I'd be giving him short shrift if he did shock

The cheeky fuck!

If he was asking you how your day had gone in a chit chat way then fair enough, but he's asking you to account for yourself, totally different.

Definitely make a deliberate choice not to play that game. First thing that came into my mind was write down everything you do in the day, but that would be pandering to the idea that he gets to micromanage you from afar, fuck that! You're not an employee.

Getting all bolshy on your behalf grin

Don't let the guilt spoil you enjoying what you're doing, although you'll probably find something else to feel guilty about then...

Googleit Sat 19-Oct-13 01:03:24

Whats wrong with getting a dinner ready for him if you are at home and obviously enjoying that lifestyle. He earns the more between you and works the longer hours. The least you could do is organise your time to have a meal ready. It doesnt take that long if you are at home and your dcs are teenagers. I would be pissed off as well if i gave my other half cash for food and came home after a long day at work to make my own beans.

Darkesteyes Sat 19-Oct-13 01:04:58

"You didnt get my dinner because you were working so go and get a better job, that will teach because then you......wont....be able to err.......shit."

Is he a Tory as well as sexist.....because this reminds me of their logic.

catinboots Sat 19-Oct-13 01:08:16

Your DH works very long hours.

Your DCs are teenagers.

There was only beans to eat today.

You like to loaf about, working PT and sniffing flowers.

YABU

Get a proper job.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:10:02

I get the dinner ready on a weekday Googleit, but there's a difference between me doing that and DH demanding to know where his dinner is and getting pissy with me because I had something else on.

I do it because I want to, not because I'm told to.

Him earning more than me doesn't give him the right to give me an appraisal and find areas I could do better in. If he wants it doing better (like ironing his shirts) he can do them himself.

Was he too weak with hunger to do anything more than open a tin of beans? Poor love. Totally the OP's fault for not being there to wait on him hand and foot.

catinboots Sat 19-Oct-13 01:10:02

Unless you work FT already and I've skimmed the thread incorrectly.

In which case, YANBU

How much domestic work does he do? You say he loves 'work' but that sometimes translates as a man spending vast amounts of time 'at work' and insisting that this means he doesn't have to do anything in the way of domestic work. Even though his time spent 'at work' actually consists at least partly of playing Candy Crush and wanking.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:11:40

Whats wrong with getting a dinner ready for him if you are at home and obviously enjoying that lifestyle. He earns the more between you and works the longer hours. The least you could do is organise your time to have a meal ready. It doesnt take that long if you are at home and your dcs are teenagers. I would be pissed off as well if i gave my other half cash for food and came home after a long day at work to make my own beans.

There you go girls, now you know!

If you are enjoying your life, despite running your own business and earning more than you would in a job for the same hours, you should organise your time in order to make the man of the house his dinner!

Pinnies at the ready ladies, those roasts dont baste themselves!

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:12:24

grin at catinboots and a proper job.

Love it.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:13:59

I don't have a pinny shock

I do a mean roast though grin

Darkesteyes Sat 19-Oct-13 01:14:54

Lol at Solids post

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:14:59

cat

She runs her own business that makes decent money, how is that "loafing about"? Just because she doesnt spend every waking moment worshipping at the altar of BUSINESS doenst make her lazy! There were not only beans to eat, but she was working and he couldnt be arsed to cook anything else.

If she worked his hours he would have to pull his weight in the house, with the kids appointments and illnesses, shopping, laundry, dog walking......blah blah, which he currently does almost none of. Wonder how he would feel then? Or should she get this job AND do all of that?!

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:17:07

I do in fact have a pinny! It is a Marmite one that is pristine, which is a cause of constant moaning from my mum that my pinny always looks clean and lovely but hers are stained and faded (yes, she has several). I dont think I will ever tell her that it is because I bought purely because it went with my Marmite tea towels, which I also never use! I bought them to go with my Marmite tins that hold the dishwasher tablets grin

Googleit Sat 19-Oct-13 01:19:25

Yeah get divorced lose your comfy lifestyle mess up your kids lives and be forced to get a full time job...just because you cant or wont organise a meal..thats clever.

OinkGlitter Sat 19-Oct-13 01:20:57

Is there something going on at his work? Like he hates it or resents it or something? Might he be moaning because he'd like time to smell the flowers but thinks he can't because he's worried about your financial security?

Might he just be grumpy because he was imagining steak and ended up with beans?

I work much shorter (but still full time) hours than DH and earn much less. (Can anyone say paygap?). I've trained him to expect nothing to eat though , so if he gets home and there is dinner he is overjoyed. Far better than him expecting it as his due... And he irons his own shirts. I think Agent ZigZag might actually be me.)

ColderThanAWitchsTitty Sat 19-Oct-13 01:21:17

People have dffernt ideas about working, DH and I are both lucky that we would rather work fewer hours and enjoy ourselves.

Your dh would prefer not to..SUcks for him though as you already work, he can demand you earn more

OinkGlitter Sat 19-Oct-13 01:22:51

I have a pinny. can't cook for shit though. And goodness did the thread move whilst I was posting.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:23:08

Yeah get divorced lose your comfy lifestyle mess up your kids lives and be forced to get a full time job...just because you cant or wont organise a meal..thats clever

gringringringringrin

Hows that chip doing? Growing nicely?!

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:26:09

Ah....now I get it

Googleit was trained at the school of "Sacrifice yourself to your marriage and children" and if that means being a total doormat then so be it in order to keep "your man" happy.

I expect I will get flamed for this but I just cannot for the life of me see why a husband and wife (partners, co-parents, whatever) with children, feel the need to separate anything. All this who works when and for how long, and how much they each earn, and who does what at home confused and "my money" "partner's money" - I just don't understand why it matters - surely you are a team and are involved together in both raising the children, keeping the home going, and doing whatever needs to be done?
I know I go quite a lot on my own circumstances (well who doesn't?) and I am a SAHM, but, that said, without DH we would be knackered because I am just not physically mentally able to "Do Stuff" at all just now (and for quite some time gone and to come)
The one thing I truly appreciate, and that makes me love DH more every day soppy cow that I am is that he has never, ever, in all the years I have "deteriorated" for want of a better word and throughout my struggles with my mental and physical health, held anything against me. He does what needs doing, and even no2 son (now 19) helps out a lot, and neither of them ever do anything to make me feel guilty or useless or put down because I just can't "do my duty" so to speak.
(I do get guilt, there are times when I feel bloody awful and just cry because I am such a failure as a parent and a wife) but they never add to that.
Am I really so lucky? Are my family paragons? grin Or is it just that people are more likely to post and have a moan/rant/ask for support if their partner is one who moans so to speak?

recall Sat 19-Oct-13 01:31:20

He would not be able to do his important man job without your support in the home ! what is wrong with beans anyway ? they are very nutritious !

strawberriesandplumbs Sat 19-Oct-13 01:33:15

What can I say Googleit. I sure there was no mention of "lifestyle" or "enjoying" I think there is a fair bit of presumption there. We live within our means. I earn, DH earns don't presume we are living a "lifestlye" And for what it's worth I work. I WORK.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:33:46

Pom Thats how it should and it is a shame that it isnt for many couples. I do think you are right though, no one will post on relationships to say "We have absolutely no problems at all. We communicate well, work together, have the same views on money, children, ILs, running the home and work". So it does give a skewed view sometimes that every marriage is either abusive, miserable, involving infidelity or all of the above.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 19-Oct-13 01:34:18

Yeah get divorced lose your comfy lifestyle mess up your kids lives and be forced to get a full time job...just because you cant or wont organise a meal..thats clever

I'm not expected to cook dinner when I'm at work,I'm guessing that neither is the op's DH so why should the op.

You could just as easily change your last bit to say .... Just because the dh has been a cock and weirdly not realised that if she gets another job then she will have even less time to cater to him and he will have to do more than feed himself.

But seen as nobody mentioned divorce apart from you you may be jumping the gun a bit

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:35:00

I'm clever Googleit, in the way that I won't be treated like shit just because someone thinks their paid work trumps me taking care of their children on top of another job.

I'm too slap dash for DHs work shirts Oink (that was a good thread (your MN name)) grin even more so since we've had a drier.

A couple of days a week when DH knows I'm specifically working all day he'll text and ask whether I've anything planned for dinner or should he go to the shop for something. It's not that difficult.

The OP's DH thinking food preparation doesn't have anything to do with him is the problem, plus him thinking he's got the right to give her a verbal warning if she's not up to scratch.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:39:15

Your family sounds bloody lovely PomBears.

They're supporting you when you need it, don't feel guilty about that smile

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:40:20

And having such a thoughtful 19 YO is surely the definition of a parenting success?

OinkGlitter Sat 19-Oct-13 01:55:22

YY to thoughtful 19 year old.

(*Zig*, it's the longest I've ever kept a name. I like it. I might keep it. I even checked with another oink (oinktopus) that she didn't mind because there was a thread that made me do NN etiquette...)

He is a gem Zigzag and I am just eternally grateful that I did something right - he is the one I homeschooled, and he is totally different to all his siblings, in temperament and character. He inhabits his room like a cave - typical teen grin and tends to grunt a lot and not actually talk much, but when I need him, there he is grin (He can also somehow tell when my "casual request" is anything but and knows the difference between me wanting him to do something if he feels like and doesn't mind, and needing him to do something because I am physically/mentally incapable right now.)

Grennie Sat 19-Oct-13 02:44:27

strawberries - does he realise if you worked more hours, he would have to do his sahre of housework and sorting out the kids? Maybe suggest you split it 50:50 for a trial week - I doubt he will still be bringing this up when he realises the implications for him.

Dobbiesmum Sat 19-Oct-13 10:32:59

I'm almost glad someone else had this conversation recently with their 'D'H, sorry but at least I'm not the only one!
Difference is that mine rolled home from the bloody pub and asked me what I did all day... This on a week when we're had a rolling register of DC's off with one of those sickness bugs I actually had to walk out of the room otherwise I would have thrown something at him. We are currently not speaking, I can't trust myself to say anything.
I do work from home and he can't quite get his head round the fact that if I got a 'proper' job, ie one outside the home he would have to massively Change the way he organises his own time and wouldn't be able to join in with the after work stuff that he does (there's quite a bit of schmoozing client involved in his job), plus the fact that everything available locally at the moment is very minimum wage and the money I earned would end up going on babysitting or nursery fees as DD2 isn't old enough for the free hours yet...

CailinDana Sat 19-Oct-13 10:52:48

It doesn't matter one bit whose money is whose and how many hours each person works and all that detail - what it all comes down to is simple, basic respect. As long as both partners feel respected then issues like this just don't arise. If he had respect for you Op he would come to you and tell you in a kind way that he knows you work hard but he was disappointed about there being no dinner cooked. In fact a respectful partner would just assume you were too busy and not bother you. As it stands your dh seems ti assume you're lazy and that he has the right to kick you up the arse over it. That attitude is what needs to be addressed.

Beastofburden Sat 19-Oct-13 11:14:06

There are some inconvenient truths for you both to face up to.

One is- yes, your life is easier and more pleasant than his. Actually, that is not a criticism. You planned it intelligently to be this way. I would demonstrate to him what you would need to earn pretax in order to pay for cleaning etc, and still have left what you currently earn. I don't think you can fairly include the costs of childcare, when your DC are so old, but there may be some other costs of that kind you could include. That is your effective wage, so far as the family is concerned. Could you plausibly earn more than that full-time? Do you have the right qualifications to do that?

Secondly- it sounds as if you are slightly off balance, if there were only beans to eat. YABU not to deal with this. It's one thing contributing equally in a way that he undervalues and needs to have explained to him. It's another thing if he has to work flat out and still has a lousy lifestyle at the end of it. It might not be so unreasonable that you should up the effort you put into your business so you make a bit more, or take on a few extra hours at something else to improve the budget if the business isn't doing so well. Or maybe you need to take an honest look at how you spend this money.

Thirdly- he likes working hard and it makes him feel validated. Nt everyone feels that way. He needs to recognise that he will be grateful in later life that his kids are OK and you still have some friends and hobbies, because if both parents followed his pattern, it wouldn't be like that.

Lastly, it can be harsh being the main breadwinner. It feels as if the whole structure is on your shoulders forever. Even if he loves to work, it can be oppressive thinking nobody else is going to pick up some of that load, ever. Because whatever we may all feel about parenting being valuable, the fact is that parenting doesn't buy food or pay rent. Working and earning do that.

helzapoppin2 Sat 19-Oct-13 11:29:42

IMHO, "Go and get a job" is a phrase that trips lightly off the tongue, usually when the brain is disconnected. I bet Dh didn't give much thought before he said as to how he would fit in his 50% share of the housework and shopping first!

LadyMedea Sat 19-Oct-13 11:33:26

pom I'm with you that posts like this make me sad and think that DH and I are the exception. We've been partners in life since we moved in together... Joint money, joint effort in pursuing the life we want, same values etc. I just feel blessed. Things are not perfect, I have a long term illness too, and we've been through some very rough times but I'm glad I don't have to deal with this kind of petty crap on a day to day basis.

"Yeah get divorced lose your comfy lifestyle mess up your kids lives and be forced to get a full time job...just because you cant or wont organise a meal..thats clever."

I think that you have all missed that, that aplies to the DH, as well, except he would have to work less hours (to fit in seeing the children) and then cook for all of them, all because he cannot organise a meal.

You can't say who has the better lifestyle, the DH is a workaholic, so enjoys that role, the OP is the one who has to adapt to being both a home runner, primary parent and an earner.

I bet if you count up since the first pregnancy who has got to do exactly what they want, the OP has had less choice in how she spends her time.

OP, it is time to reavaluate both your roles and get it all straight about expectations and the value you attach to each other's roles. I don't see how any parent doesn't count in their children's needs being met, as they grow and them having a happy, positive upbringing because of one parent dropping to part time work.

Scrounger Sat 19-Oct-13 11:51:42

Agree with Birdsgottafly. I would like to add though that your DH may be feeling the strain being the larger wage earner, even though he enjoys the job, if he cannot earn his wage the family is massively impacted. Whilst you earn, the impact isn't as great if you lose that income. (BTW as a family we are in the same position - although I am currently looking for work).

Also, he had beans for one meal, this is a problem for him? Seriously how hard is it to make a pasta sauce or get a takeaway. It is one meal.

Lady and Pom, I also think that many couples (and people in general as some of the replies show) think of a life partnership, not as two people finding someone that they want to share the same life path with and create the environment that they want for their family, but similar to a employment contract.

I agree that as life changes, the roles within the family need to adjust, but there should be appreciation for what has been achieved and why they both have had the ability to get were they are, either in life, or work.

Doingakatereddy Sat 19-Oct-13 12:04:22

Very good post from beastofburden, I'd say reading that a few times would be a good start

anonacfr Sat 19-Oct-13 12:11:36

Secondly- the OP clearly says her 'D'H had beans because it was the only thing he could handle 'cooking'.

pianodoodle Sat 19-Oct-13 12:14:01

If your husband had a skill that enabled him to work p/t hours for good money I bet he'd be really pleased with himself and want due praise.

How annoying for him that it was you who struck upon the idea!

Apileofballyhoo Sat 19-Oct-13 12:15:26

Shame such an intelligent, hardworking, responsible man can't cook.

pianodoodle Sat 19-Oct-13 12:16:11

P.s we love a nice beans on toast night round here.

He makes it seem an awful chore. Did he pick the beans by hand? I tend to just empty a tin into a saucepan.

Custardo Sat 19-Oct-13 12:17:33

so if you are financially secure - the question i would ask him is why?

I think the answer is jealousy - despite being a workaholic ( which presumes he wouldn't do anything differently even if you got a job) he is still jealous of the time you get - i would ask him why.

sashh Sat 19-Oct-13 14:58:04

Well you obviously do not have time to get a job because you are running around after him.

Call his bluff. Book yourself away somewhere for a week, alone. Tell him you have a new job but that you need to go away for a week's training.

He will have to organise childcare, ironing, cooking etc etc.

Then go away and ignore him for a week - too busy learning new stuff.

HereComesHoneyBooBooDragon Sat 19-Oct-13 15:03:31

Are beans a very bad thing then?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sat 19-Oct-13 15:25:48

I would say to him... 'You know what, I've been thinking and you are right. I will go and get a fulltime job outside the house. I think it would be good for both of us smile so I have written down all the things we are going to need to get done between us with a suggestion of who does them, but I'm happy to listen if there are jobs you'd like to us to swap with each other smile' The make a list of all the things you do now and how they would be shared out. Make sure he's doing equal housework/cooking/running around. S'only fair!

SuperStrength Sat 19-Oct-13 15:48:58

I agree with Beast too.
I disagree with posters who suggest that you 'threaten' you DH with all the household chores he will have to do if you don't, as it assumes that he will have an issue with getting a better work/life balance, maybe that's what he's after.
I don't work as much as I used to, although I still work FT. However, taking a step back professionally means I don't need a nanny or a cleaner & I love it. I hated outsourcing my life, my kids. It didn't work for me so I made changes. My DH & I now have much more of a partnership. I don't work balls out anymore, we both work & share the good & the bad that comes with having a family & running a house. I advocate sharing the load in all repects.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 19-Oct-13 15:51:15

Tell him to fuck off!

I'd be irked too. If you are comfortable financially then he needs to chill out a bit. It sounds like you have very different priorities.

Would any of you that work from home mind telling me what you do?

pointyfangs Sat 19-Oct-13 17:25:44

There weren't 'only' beans to eat. He just could not be arsed to cook himself a meal. Which makes him a twat on this particular occasion - if I'm working from home and DH is around (ergo not working) then he most certainly does not expect me to put aside my work and cook his dinner. Don't know how the OP's DH is the rest of the time though.

I do think negotiations are needed and a worked out 'business plan' detailing the extra costs that a 'proper' hmm job would bring will help.

Bloody hell, is it 1950s blokes season on MN or what?

paxtecum Sat 19-Oct-13 18:00:57

Op: did you not cook dinner for your DCs and yourself?
Could you not have cooked another portion for DH?

What time does he leave home in the morning and get back at night?
How do you divide your earnings?

Just trying to get a better idea of the balance of your marriage.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 19-Oct-13 18:42:44

But you have a job, it seems like he doesn't value you.

hettienne Sat 19-Oct-13 18:50:23

I work full time out of the home and DP works part time (though not by much) from home - he usually has dinner on the table when I get home but if for some reason he had a busy day and was still working at that time I wouldn't throw a strop about it!

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 19-Oct-13 21:16:03

I can't think of anything helpful to say. I work full-time and do most the home stuff (and I'm happy with that because DH works much harder than me; I have help, etc) and get lambasted on here because I don't think he should be doing house stuff. But, even though he gives me money to buy food he doesn't complain if the fridge is empty and he knows that everyone looks after themselves for lunch. He has never said "go out and get a job" except when I wasn't working and was taking on more and more voluntary stuff for nothing and he gently suggested that some people were taking the piss and I was under as much pressure as I would be if I had been in paid work from 9-3.

Peacocklady Sat 19-Oct-13 21:38:07

I work full time and I'm doing a uni course while DH works from home as an artist and picks up the kids walks the dog etc. he earns a lot less than before when he was in a job he hated but I'm just so grateful not to have to worry if the kids are ill or something and that they have their home and their dad around. We have less but it's nicer for sure.
As for not having tea made, erm possibly if I was knackered I'd get stressed about mess but not about not having tea ready (it often is and we like our family teas) but I like to cook too.
In conclusion YANBU your DH is being a dick and should be grateful you are there looking out for the kids and building up a business so he can have a stress free time working out of the home.

The bit of the OP that stands out for me is I like to stop and smell the daisies

Surely most people do?

Does DH get time to do this too? If not, I'm not surprised he resents your lifestyle.

poorincashrichinlove Sat 19-Oct-13 21:55:17

When I worked full time & DH worked part time I'm ashamed to say I was a bit like your DH op. Full of resentment! Now the tables are turned I'm much happier. Being the primary earner carries pressure. Not excusing your DH though, he was a knob!

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 22:15:51

ATruth I think she means that she isnt focussed 100% on work as he is. Life work balance.

He doesnt have that unless the OP has his tea on the table.

katykuns Sat 19-Oct-13 22:16:05

I think he sounds unreasonable and selfish, however I have said things I regret in hunger wink I can be a grumpy bastard.

TrueStory Sat 19-Oct-13 22:21:32

OP probably gone, as the work ethic posters take an accusatory tone/turn ...

The beans issue! So, your loving husband comes home one night and you've been busy, tired, whatever, and one time he has to make himself some beans. I mean, call 999!

You sound like you have created a work-life balance that suits you. If your husband resents that, then maybe you need to discuss with him what the issues are, they may be his issues as another poster says, his resentments, that have nothing to do with you. If he is a workaholic, why is that? It could be because he enjoys his work, or it could be a lot of other things. Does he appreciate the energy you put into the home? Or does he resent that? Who does he think cleans and shops and cooks, exactly? Maybe take a month off that, and see if he fancies taking over ...

You keep on smelling the daisies, OP, and good luck smile. If other folk are too busy, their choice.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 22:23:07

'I'm not surprised he resents your lifestyle'

Surely he should be glad she's happy doing what she's doing, why does she have to be like him? She's not a clone of him that needs programming.

I was thinking that about how I am when I'm hungry Katy grin

But that only counts until you get the food, OPs DH was having a go at her afterwards about it.

Laquitar Sat 19-Oct-13 22:38:17

It doesnt matter how many hours you work but how much you earn. It seems like he resents your free time rsther than wanting more money?(dont mention the daisies too much).
I honestly dont understand the need for hot cooked food every single day. Thread after thread, couples arguing about food. Put some paninis in the freezer when they are reduced at asda. Have them with cheeseand salad, or ham. Boil some eggs. Have some hoummous.oven chips. Its boring cooking every day and arguing about dinner. Nobody dyed because he ate bread and cheese and fruit one night.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 22:41:41

Its not about hot meals, its about the little wife running around after the lord and masters needs. He didnt kick off because of a lack of a dinner, he kicked off because she had the temerity to not put him first.

How dare she?!

MuffCakes Sat 19-Oct-13 22:48:29

I think I would resent someone after years of being the main breadwinner and now the dc have grown up. Why should I have to support you so you have time to smell the roses and I don't is how I would see it.

TheDoctrineOfSpike Sat 19-Oct-13 23:06:05

OP hadn't made dinner because she was busy working which is the thing her DH wants her to do more of.

Right you are. I'll just hit my "two places at once" button.

Howstricks Sat 19-Oct-13 23:22:23

I work from home too..its marvellous because i can choose my hours, take coffee breaks whenever i want them and have trash television on whilst completing tax returns. My dh works long hours, he comes home exhausted. He wouldn't moan if there wasn't dinner ready every day, in fact he would offer to get a takeaway. However I appreciate how incredibly lucky i am with my lifestyle and the respect works both ways so there will always be dinner...

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 23:48:09

So true BF, OP is such a liberty taker.

He just wants her to be as miserable as he is wink

I genuinely don't get why he'd want to drag her down if he knows she's happy, especially if they don't need the cash.

I know people who get obsessive about spending every single minute doing something productive, and think someone's lazy if they want to switch off and watch the box for an hour or waste time playing a computer game.

It's like asking for the 20p back that you lent someone two months ago.

Ungenerous (is that a word?)

missymarmite Sat 19-Oct-13 23:56:08

Tell him you'll get a job when he does his fair share of the housework ;)

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 23:57:13

Ingenerous?

Dunno, but yes you are right about dragging people down. And as I said above, the irony is that if she did get a job working his hours, there is no way on Gods green earth he would get his dinner on the table!

Twat!

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 00:01:59

I googled it have it on good authority that apparently ungenerous is a legit word (as is apostrophated, which I'd been using for ages thinking I'd made it up grin)

Aye, all blokes a twats when it comes down to it <ducks stale bun>

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 00:03:05

'all blokes are twats'

MoominMammasHandbag Sun 20-Oct-13 00:08:36

I work less hours than my DP (we have our own business). He's not that bothered because he quite enjoys what he does.
I also worked out a long time ago that he will forgive me most of my idling as long as I make a nice dinner every night. Pure 1950s but it works for us.

AnandaTimeIn Sun 20-Oct-13 00:14:47

I do all the housework, shopping, dog walking ect. DCs are young teenagers but I deal with all the school stuff and day to day stuff.

And he thinks you need to get a job.

Make a list of the cost of those jobs, take 2 or 3 days off and see how he copes.

AnandaTimeIn Sun 20-Oct-13 00:19:37

^ Pure 1950s but it works for us.^

Yea, whatever. That was more than 50 years ago!

Time to move on for those of us who do not want to be stuck there

Bogeyface Sun 20-Oct-13 00:24:29

Amanda I think it was tongue in cheek. If Mr Moomin did the dinner while Moomin did the business hours then no one would have an issue. The point is that they work to their strengths, and that's good for them because they are both happy with what they do.

Bogeyface Sun 20-Oct-13 00:25:03

and the 1950's where 60 years ago wink

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 00:39:32

We have a pretty 1950's division of labour, and it does work for us (on the whole).

I don't even drive shock and like to be chauffeured about in DH's car

If you're not keen on that Ananda, it's socially acceptable to do whatever the fuck you like these days.

'and the 1950's where 60 years ago'

I still think of the 70's as being 20 odd years ago grin Can't get my head round this passing of time thing, talking to adults who were being born well after I'd left school grin

You see, I actually think we need more details from the OP about the exact details of the day before we start deciding whether he's a twat or not. The OP says she works a few hours a day. A few hours. How many is that? And does it HAVE to be during the evening when DH comes home from work? Because say she works 4 hours a day, she could either be working somethig like 10-2pm which to me would still leave enough time to do a bit of housework/shopping AND go for a walk/do own thing and STILL prepare a nice family evening meal for everyone.

OR the particular day she is talking about she could have CHOSEN to do her 4 hours from, say, 6-10pm, having had an early tea for herself and her teenaged children and letting her dh get on with doing some beans on toast for himself. BEFORE 6 pm she could easily have spent most of the day doing her own thing (flower-sniffing and whatnot - grin) having done a bit of housework from 9-11am, say.

Now, if the OP's day had gone the way of the second scenario, I would TOTALLY understand her dh for coming home knackered and then feeling resentful because his dw had fixed her day so that she spent most of it swanning round having fun and then wasn't around at evening meal time (and even got all uppity, saying "but I'm WORKING" when he pulls a face at having to make beans on toast for himself.)

We need more details of the EXACT circumstances, OP. it really does matter when it comes to deciding whether he's a twat or not. grin

Bogeyface Sun 20-Oct-13 01:01:22

I still think of the 70's as being 20 odd years ago

I know! i was singing along to "Holiday" by that Madonna on the radio the other day and DD3 said "Whats this song?" and DD2 said "Oh, its an old song that mum likes hmm" gringrin

Bogeyface Sun 20-Oct-13 01:02:58

Oh and to make you (us?!) feel even older, I recently worked with someone born in 1994 who bought me a drink in a bar for my birthday.........

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 01:03:05

'we need more details from the OP about the exact details of the day before we start deciding whether he's a twat or not.'

Spoilsport grin

I think you'll find the 2010 edition of the MN rool book says you're only allowed to twist the OPs words while heavily reading between the lines and projecting.

It's just reminding me of Barbara Royle asking Denise and Dave what they'd had for their tea, and them saying dairy lea on toast grin

I bet the OPs DH did have beans, but he had them with the fish and chips he'd nipped down the chippy for.

Bet y'.

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 01:05:18

I was heartened by DD1 singing along to Master of Puppets last night BF, turn her away from her sickening Katy Perry ways.

grin

I have enjoyed reading this thread immensely if only for the realisation that there is a new euphemism for navel-gazing. Daisy-sniffing sounds much more wholesome.

Bogeyface Sun 20-Oct-13 01:07:36

Navel sniffing?

Euurrrggghhhh

Bogeyface Sun 20-Oct-13 01:08:21

Agent

I used to hate KP until DD2's class sang "Firework" at their year 6 leaving assembly, it was really moving!

Thanks - Now I have this image in my head of the OP sitting round all day watching Jezza Kyle, idly scratching her belly butting and then sniffing her finger.

grin

Belly butting?!

Bogeyface Sun 20-Oct-13 01:18:01

Belly buttings smell bad

Boys belly buttings smell REAAAALLY bad grin

Mimishimi Sun 20-Oct-13 01:53:38

I think possibly YABU. Is your relaxed lifestyle dependent on him earning the income that he does? If your working from home isn't really bringing in much, you are only doing a couple of hours of this work a day (as you said in the OP), I think it's completely fair that he expects you take on the lion's share of the housework. It sounds more like he is stressed out by being the main provider than some 1950s revert who wants you chained to the kitchen.

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld Sun 20-Oct-13 03:00:52

He's a big boy, he can cook his own dinner. That's what I say to DP on the (admittedly rare) nights that I can't be arsed to cook. I don't even have a good excuse most of the time.

Beans on toast won't kill him. That's assuming he made toast. Or did he just open the tin and eat them cold? wink

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 03:05:23

He was too weak to make the toast as well DontGive, poor lamb.

Strawberries spent all the money he'd so generously given her on sweets.

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld Sun 20-Oct-13 03:41:06

Well, sweets are a necessity. Right? <looks hopeful>

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 03:53:24

They are in my house Don'tGive <offers frothy refresher>

ApocalypseThen Sun 20-Oct-13 07:12:37

I really don't like the implication that she has to give a reason why she was working at a particular time of the day to justify to him - and us - that she spends her time appropriately.

What seems terrible to me is that his priorities in life, and his values mean that he gets to set KPIs for her and monitor her performance. It's actually her life too and she's an adult competent to manage it.

SPBisResisting Sun 20-Oct-13 07:28:27

"Lastly, it can be harsh being the main breadwinner. It feels as if the whole structure is on your shoulders forever. Even if he loves to work, it can be oppressive thinking nobody else is going to pick up some of that load, ever. Because whatever we may all feel about parenting being valuable, the fact is that parenting doesn't buy food or pay rent. Working and earning do that."

She is picking up some of that load. She works. and earns.

ApocalypseThen Sun 20-Oct-13 07:59:24

My grandmother always said to make sure you always have your own pound. And I think this is what she meant - not developing a home life where another adult has the right to tell you how to live your life, demand services and monitor how you use your time. Money is the only power, isn't it? Doesn't really matter what you do unpaid at home, the comments on this thread show that if you allow financial inequality in your relationship, you get a 24/7 boss and that's just fine.

SPBisResisting Sun 20-Oct-13 08:05:09

Yes exactly. DH and I have always shared all money and genuinely feel it belongs to us both. But then we've swapped between being the higher earners with both of us having to support the other in unemployment. Although he;s been the higher earner since I had children (as someone else mentioned...paygap). In other relationships, it works where one works and the other SAH as they both work to enable that job and their home life. Sometimes, like in the OP, it obviously doesn't work as one partner resents the other.

MarlenaGru Sun 20-Oct-13 08:39:35

I really agree with the respecting each other thing. I have a friend in a similar situation to you (except her DH has been unemployed for a while now and still refuses to do his bit around the house) and for me nothing is a problem other than the fact that he clearly doesn't respect her as he refuses to do what she did for many years (childcare, washing, cleaning etc) saying it makes him feel emasculated doing them.

DH and I work full time and split things mostly equally. He does feel the need to put in face time which drives me batty as it is ok for me to leave at 5 to fetch DD but his job means it is not possible. We both do similar jobs and earn similar amounts but I find it acceptable to say that I will finish something tomorrow or at home and he just can't do it. Probably the cause of 90% of our arguments!

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld Mon 21-Oct-13 02:22:09

It actually reminds me of that story that did the rounds a little while back. Guy comes home from work, the house is a mess, the kids are causing havoc, there's no dinner being cooked(!). He finds his wife curled up in bed with a book and asks her what happened. She answers "you know how you always ask what I do all day? Today I didn't do it."

Ooh, refreshers. Ta, ZigZag smile

Beastofburden Mon 21-Oct-13 09:23:28

SPB- yes, I agree. My point was just that it looked from the OP as if part of the tension was to do with whether she was picking up enough of that load. So just saying that from the POV of the other half, if one partner permanently only earns a small wage ( I am not talking now about the time when the kids are small, but forever), this can make the other partner feel crushed over time by the pressure to keep the whole circus rolling.

Beastofburden Mon 21-Oct-13 09:28:56

On the planning the day thing- I do think that it is unreasonable to plan to spend your day relaxing and your evening working, if that means that your partner has to spend the day working and the evening, er, working. If cooking is work for the OP, it is work for the OH too. Fair dos, each ought to work (including proper, concentrated domestic work) for roughly the same amount of time each week. If the OP does less than an equal share, she is doing well and is being U to schedule the work she does do in such a way that her OH has to do extra.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now