To not want to move my plans to suit others?

(89 Posts)
daisydoo222 Fri 18-Oct-13 14:30:51

I have been going to Slimming World at the same time and the same day every week for 2&1/2 years and lost over 5 stone, the only time I have ever missed a class is when I was on holiday, I have sat through group when I've been poorly, I plan everything else around it.
I have committed to myself that I will continue to go, probably for the rest of my life and I'm currently considering becoming a leader and making it my career (or at least a bit of a side line).
My point is - this is more than just a bit of a diet, I take it seriously, it has changed my life and also improved everything for the family as I now have so much more energy and I'm able to do more with my kids.

However, now my stepson has started going to football training on the same night that I go so DP has asked if I would be able to change my class so that he can go with him.

I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. The only two options I've got to change are: 1) I take the kids with me to the earlier session to get weighed but then I wouldn't be able to stay to class. I have a 1 year old and 4 year old, there's no way they'll sit still and be quiet and the leader has politely asked people in the past not to bring kids unless they can be good. Also it would end up being past their bedtime before I get them home.
2) I go to a different class in a different town the next day. I don't drive so it would mean me having to get two buses and would take me about 1&1/2 hours in each direction.
Plus the people at my existing group are my friends and are great support to me so I don't really want to have to move groups - I know that sounds silly but the group is often like a counselling session, they have supported me through my Mum's death and through my pregnancy.

I'm just annoyed because it's important to me and I feel now like DP doesn't take it too seriously. If I say I won't change I'm going to be the bad guy but I really don't want to.
I'm sure there must be a different football group somewhere? I'm not sure if his ex has arranged this on purpose because she knows it clashes with my class. There's 7 days in a week but out of the whole week she happens to pick the exact time and date that I'm busy. Coincidence?

firawla Fri 18-Oct-13 14:32:25

Why can't dp just take his son and you do your own class? I wouldn't change that personally yanbu

BrianTheMole Fri 18-Oct-13 14:36:58

Why doesn't he take the kids with him instead. I wouldn't change it op. Its clearly very important to you.

daisydoo222 Fri 18-Oct-13 14:39:14

Because we have two younger children (1 and 4), they go to bed around 7-7.30, the football is between 7-8 and would then take his son home so he wouldn't get home until about 8.45. I need to leave for my class at 7.30 and get home about 9.30.
So one of us needs to be at home to put the kids to bed and look after them.
We don't have any family close by, all my friends are other mums so they're busy with their own kids at bedtime.

Morgause Fri 18-Oct-13 14:39:39

You have prior call on the day. It's ok for him to ask but also ok for you to say no and explain why.

HulaHooperStormTrooper Fri 18-Oct-13 14:43:42

YANBU as such. If he wants to change his plans then its his responsibility to find someone else to take his place without affecting the plans you have had for the last few years.

Congrats on the loss by the way x

So he needs to find somebody to sit with the little ones after you have put them to bed?
Any local teenagers or older children of friends that could do that for an hour or so?

shellbot Fri 18-Oct-13 18:17:41

YANBU I don't think you should change to another day. If you DP wants to go to his son's training then he needs to sort out childcare or ask his son to change his football training to another day.

Handbagsonnhold Fri 18-Oct-13 18:24:23

Yanbu I wouldn't do it .....it's important to you ..... ask oh to see if his mum can sort maybe? Hope u sort x

petalsandstars Fri 18-Oct-13 18:30:34

Nope, you have a pre-existing commitment with no suitable alternative so he has to either sort out a sitter or change the football day.

SkinnybitchWannabe Fri 18-Oct-13 18:34:58

I totally understand how you feel about your group.
Ive been at Slimming World since Jan and I love it.
I couldnt bare to just get weighed and go because I find the group talk so helpful and motivating.
Tell your OH that its not possible for you to change groups so he'll have to sort out your children.
Dont give up SW..whatever happens.
Congrats on your amazing loss btw.

SJisontheway Fri 18-Oct-13 18:35:54

If its a night he is with his mother, why can't she take him?

morethanpotatoprints Fri 18-Oct-13 18:37:34

Its unlikely that your ss could ask them to change his football day and time and lovely that your dh wants to go with him.
However, you have plans that you shouldn't have to change.
Between you can you find somebody to mind the dc for a while. Perhaps as suggested before a local teenager, friend of family, neighbour etc. It doesn't seem as though its for long and the dc will already be asleep before you leave.

neolara Fri 18-Oct-13 18:42:17

Why can't you get a babysitter? Put the kids to bed by 7pm and then both go out.

amicissimma Fri 18-Oct-13 18:43:11

No. You have a prior commitment.

4 options spring immediately to mind:

1) DP finds someone to share the football with - he takes and the other parent picks up (little ones get dragged to drop off)

2) DP finds a babysitter for the pick up (if not the dropoff as well)

3) DSS Mum sorts it out or helps with the pick up

4) DSS does a different football training or none at all

I expect someone with more imagination than I have can offer some other suggestions.

mynewpassion Fri 18-Oct-13 18:46:31

Work together to find a solution. Just don't be stubborn for the sake of stubborn. Find a viable solution.

Coconutty Fri 18-Oct-13 18:49:35

I wouldn't change it.

ihearsounds Fri 18-Oct-13 19:09:49

Nope I wouldn't change it. What if he wants to do something on the next night, he will expect you to try and change again, because well, you did it before.

Nope. He can sort out other arrangements or take all the dc's with him.

coppertop Fri 18-Oct-13 19:22:52

If your dp really wants to go to football training, then he needs to be the one putting in some effort or making sacrifices to make it happen.

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor Fri 18-Oct-13 19:29:08

If your dp really wants to go then it's up to him to find a baby sitter for the younger ones.

WhoNickedMyName Fri 18-Oct-13 19:32:38

YANBU.

You have a longstanding commitment to that night. If he now wants to do something that clashes, then it's up to him to sort out suitable childcare arrangements or change football night.

Footface Fri 18-Oct-13 19:38:00

No don't change. There must be other football sessions or dp can find childcare.

I think he's got a cheek to ask

BrokenSunglasses Fri 18-Oct-13 19:43:30

What will you do when your four year old gets older and the hobby they desperately want to do is on at the same time as your class? If you'd move it for your own child, you should move it for your DHs.

He has as much commitment to your children as he has to his oldest, and he actually has more obligation to do this for his first child than he has to be around for your children because he doesn't get to live with his oldest.

I think it would be very very selfish of you to prevent a child and his father going to football club together just so that you can see your friends. Looking after your children is your responsibility too, and no matter which way you look at it, a child is more important than a slimming world class.

Pay for a babysitter if you really can't bring yourself to stop going out.

elcranko Fri 18-Oct-13 19:47:06

YANBU, you shouldn't have to change your prior commitment to accommodate your DH's new one. Finding a babysitter for a couple of hours seems like the best solution. I bet a local teenager (that you know and trust obviously) would love to make a bit of cash by watching tv in your lounge for an hour or two.

HellonHeels Fri 18-Oct-13 19:56:36

No way is it selfish for OP to prioritise this over DC's football. She has a longstanding commitment to her health - for OP to stay healthy will benefit the entire family both now and far into the future.

This should not be sacrificed for one child's activity, especially when the child's father and mother can find a way around the problem.

Footface Fri 18-Oct-13 20:32:15

He has as much commitment to your children as he has to his oldest, and he actually has more obligation to do this for his first child than he has to be around for your children because he doesn't get to live with his oldest.

So if Dss did live with op then her dh would be less obliged to take him. confused

quoteunquote Fri 18-Oct-13 20:40:36

Get a baby sitter, simple.

It quite normal for your husband to want to support your son,

You only need a sitter for the bit between him leaving and you returning,

How long are both classes?

morethanpotatoprints Fri 18-Oct-13 20:48:34

Why are some people on here sounding harsh to the OPs dp?
Does it matter who sorts out a baby sitter?
What about cooperation and working as a partnership? He has to do this and that really doesn't help.
Perhaps the OPs dp wants to accompany his son to football training, it may be something they want to do together and neither of them should be denied this time together.
I agree that it shouldn't be at the expense of the OPs prior commitment, but does it really matter who looks for the bloody baby sitter.
God help your future relationships if you have to be so bloody petty.

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 20:52:05

What a horrible post, brokensunglasses.

The OP has made a massive achievement in losing the weight she has, and needs support from her dh in keeping on track, so less of the sarky "if you really can't bring yourself to stop going out." It's not like she's swanning off boozing in the pub, although tbh there's no reason why she shouldn't do that either if she wanted to.

I don't recall reading in the "how to be a perfect parent" book that you should subsume all your own wants to what the kids want. Frankly, I disagree that "a child is more important." What do you mean by that? It's a football session, ffs. Pick another day for the training. Or, shock horror, let his mother organise it.

Whocansay Fri 18-Oct-13 20:59:58

I'm a bit puzzled by most of the responses on this thread. The DP wants to spend time with his son. What on earth is wrong with that?

You want to make the DS find another football session? Well, other schools must be totally different from the ones round here, because you can't pick and choose when the sessions are. You go, or don't go.

You see going to Slimming World as a long term commitment. Fine. It's OK if you want to do a bit of navel gazing, but it is NOT a priority over your DP spending time with and helping his son.

YABU and selfish imo. How about looking at things from someone else's point of view?

volestair Fri 18-Oct-13 21:03:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 21:04:34

whocansay No. The OP has a commitment on this particular evening. Actually, it doesn't matter what it is. It is HER commitment and she is entitled to cherish and not have to justify it.

If her dh wants to do something else on this evening, fine. But HE needs to organise childcare in order to facilitate it.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 18-Oct-13 21:09:06

My dc have had commitments that have taken up all my free time, there is no way I would have expected them to stop anything so I could do something.
Saying that though, it is important to keep some of yourself when you have dc and I think the OP should keep that time irrespective of what she chooses to do with it.
I just don't understand the angst against her dp who is prioritising time with his son, which is to be commended imo.
Do parents saying it is unreasonable not take their kids to hobbies and support their interests?

Footface Fri 18-Oct-13 21:10:37

whocansay no where in the op does she say that it's to do with the school, there are loads of childrens football clubs each training on different nights if the week but often playing each other on a Sunday morning.

Surely everyone could look for a different club with a different days training

morethanpotatoprints Fri 18-Oct-13 21:13:01

Clam

So you are saying the OP is incapable of finding a baby sitter then, or that responsibilities within a relationship you know PARTNERSHIP are so anally defined?
No wonder my marriage has lasted so long, I wondered why that was.
Perhaps its because we would work it out together, I'd have probably found a baby sitter tbh, not that it matters.

ChippyMinton Fri 18-Oct-13 21:16:55

I agree that the OP has a long-standing commitment and should not be expected to change it.

Her DP should resolve this with his ex.

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 21:33:24

Why does the OP need to find a babysitter when it is her DP who wants to change the status quo. Newsflash: it's not always the woman's job to organise childcare.

And dh and I have clocked up 18 years of marriage, plus a while together before that, so thanks, but I do understand partnership.

BrokenSunglasses Fri 18-Oct-13 21:44:16

Her DP wants to change the status quo?

What, you mean by allowing his son to grow older and develop his own interests?

Isn't her long standing commitment to her children and her step children slightly more important than her long standing commitment to a group of women that meet up to have themselves weighed every week?

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 21:51:08

No, it's her long-standing commitment to her own health and well-being.
No one is stopping her DH from "allowing" his son to develop his own interests. But why is the OP expected to be the one to sacrifice something that is clearly very important to her?

pigsDOfly Fri 18-Oct-13 21:54:26

This is more than 'a group of women that meet up to have themselves weighed every week' BrokenSunglasses.

The OP feels supported and sustained by a group of women with whom she has built a relationship. Why should a child's football group be more important than her group.

I don't understand this with a lot of people on MN. They seem to feel that children's wishes should be paramount. If that's generally accepted practice in this country now, maybe it goes some way to explaining why there are so many spoiled self serving young adults around.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 18-Oct-13 22:12:44

If I wanted to make plans that did not involve my other children I would obtain suitable childcare, I would not expect the other parent to change long standing plans,

But then again I'm a woman so am clearly more capable of doing that that the average bloke!!!

What utter bollocks he's just as capable of doing so without expecting the op to change her plans a penis does not stop you making arrangements.

Musicaltheatremum Fri 18-Oct-13 22:19:59

You should keep to your class. You have done so so well and there is such a psychological element to weight loss in women. (I am obese size 18-20) so I understand.

SavoyCabbage Fri 18-Oct-13 22:22:21

While I understand its not ideal for the other two dc to not get home until 8.45 I don't think it's completely out of the question.

olgaga Fri 18-Oct-13 22:37:23

When your children are older and perhaps want to do sports or other activities on your SW night will you veto that too, on the basis that your DP can't be in 2 or 3 places at once?

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 23:42:57

But those sorts of trade-offs happen in families all the time. Currently, Thursday evenings are a nightmare for us, with clashes all over the place and some serious boxing and coxing going on.

But I agree with pigs. When did it become law that children's desires must trump adults? At some point they're going to have to learn that they're not the centre of the universe and that there might be some clubs/activities/parties/whatever they're going to have to sit out.

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 23:47:56

And I'm wondering how many men would be expected or prepared to ditch a long-standing hobby (football training for instance) in order to facilitate, say, their step-child's ballet lesson.

holidaysarenice Fri 18-Oct-13 23:53:22

My parents always said no friday night activities that needed collecting/lifts. It was their relaxing night.

They were happy to do any other night of the week. And did. With multiple places etc.

As children we knew this and said sorry I can't join x, its on a friday my parents are busy.

-- that's what happens the dss. Or he misses football when you he stays with u.

coppertop Sat 19-Oct-13 00:14:39

My answer would still be the same even if this was the OP's own child.

When my own children come home from school with letters and leaflets about clubs and activities they would like to try, I have to decide whether or not it's manageable. If the club/activity clashes with a pre-existing activity then the answer is no. I certainly wouldn't expect the person with the pre-existing arrangement to make other plans.

DisappointedHorse Sat 19-Oct-13 00:31:07

I spent 18 months at WW and my meetings were really important to me and critical to my weight loss. I wouldn't have given it up for anything.

The DCs had plenty of other activities, YANBU.

Whocansay Sat 19-Oct-13 08:54:53

I'd love to see this from the mum's point of view:

My ds wants to go to football training with his df, but his dad's gf won't let him because she wants to go Slimming World at that time every week. AIBU to expect his father to support him?

If this was the dp who wouldn't change his arrangements for the ds, you lot would have jumped all over him.

The ds is growing up and still wants to spend time with his dad. Maybe his dad wants to make the most of that time, before the ds grows up and no longer wants to spend so much time with his parents?

Footface the OP doesn't say where the training is held, nor has she given a timetable for events in her area. In my area, you cannot pick and choose training sessions, as times are set for ages. There is not much choice here.

clam this site is littered with women complaining about partners who have sporting or other commitments that they refuse to change for far lesser reasons than spending time with their children, and the partner is ALWAYS slated. I can't see how this is different. And frankly, it's hardly an endorsement for SW that the OP's still going after 2 1/2 years and clearly has an obsession with it.

Pinupgirl Sat 19-Oct-13 09:09:06

You should get a babysitter.

Don't you have to pay for slimming world?-that's a lot of money to commit to for staying on a diet for the rest of your life.

bababababoom Sat 19-Oct-13 10:59:00

You don't have to pay if you have reached your target weight, pinupgirl.

I can see both sides of this. I wouldn't dream of taking children with me to a slimming group though, so think a babysitter is probably the solution.

I'm intrigued as to why "get a babysitter" sounds like an easy solution to most people though. I haven't got anyone who could babysit as I don't live near family. Where is the op supposed to find this babysitter, as presumably she doesn't want to leave her children in the care of someone she doesn't know.

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor Sat 19-Oct-13 11:17:05

The OP's DP can go to football with his DS. All he has to do is find a babysitter.

MortifiedAdams Sat 19-Oct-13 11:20:20

How old if your DSS? Could you drop.him.off and pick.him up after your class?

RedHelenB Sat 19-Oct-13 11:51:08

At our slimming world children are more than welcome - they wouldn't have many members otherwise! Will dss still do the activity if his dad wasn't going with him?

ImperialBlether Sat 19-Oct-13 12:00:05

Is it an evening group though, RedHelen?

howmuchwouldyoutake Sat 19-Oct-13 12:21:49

Yanbu - your activity came first so if there are literally no other options then you trump presence. BUT i would look at options first - how about DH teams up with another parent and they take turns? You could go to class every other week then (which might even be good - for you to know support is still there but you're doing it alone for an extended time??)

Clutching at straws i know - your class is important so stick to your guns if all options are explored but none fit :-)

DIYapprentice Sat 19-Oct-13 12:53:27

If this was the dp who wouldn't change his arrangements for the ds, you lot would have jumped all over him.

No, actually if this was a DP who had one special activity which would be really difficult to change to another time then no, I wouldn't be jumping all over him.

(Getting to another SW class for the OP is much more difficult than getting to her current one as she doesn't drive!!!)

I don't get this whole 'children take precedence over everything' mentality. Children are members of the family and the whole family's activities need to be juggled. In this case the MOTHER has something that is very important to her, and she shouldn't have to change it.

My DC aren't permitted to do sports on Sunday mornings because that is our church time - end of discussion. When they are old enough to make their own way to an activity we can have the discussion again THEN.

(Probably a different scenario if they are on track for a semi-professional activity I guess. But it doesn't sound like that here.)

chrome100 Sat 19-Oct-13 12:56:11

I see your point, BUT how feasible is it to attend this very same group at this very same time FOREVER? Answer is, it's not. At some point you will have to break away, try other groups, miss some weeks etc. If you have learned anything from attending (and clearly you have as you have lost so much weight) you should be able to apply these principles to your life regardless.

Nessalina Sat 19-Oct-13 13:05:52

Definitely not being unreasonable, but not sure what discussions have already take place with your DP (sorry if I've scanned & missed!). If he's just floated it, then he knows it's an issue for you, and considering the weight you've lost I'm sure he's also very proud of you and pleased that you've benefitted from the classes, so I can't imagine he's going to steam roller you on this one.
I would just be honest 'look honey, my class is really important to me, and it just won't be the same going to another one when I've got such good friends at this one. Could we look at getting a sitter so we can both go to our nights?'
If not, then perhaps taking alternate weeks is fairest, because you're both making a sacrifice, and now you're maintaining, i'm sure that wouldn't affect your weight loss.
Good luck!

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 19-Oct-13 13:11:02

I don't think it's UR for a father to want to share a hobby with his son - that's a good thing in itself.

I really don't get the weight loss club 'thing' in general personally, but as you said you're considering making a move into the formal running side of things I wouldn't think it unreasonable for you to spread your wings a bit and experience other groups? Does it follow that you become part of the staff of the group you're in or do you go where the need and vacancies are (in which case the travelling is something you're going to have to deal with at some point)? It's worth considering depending on how these things work.

Imo it boils down to three people having things important to them clashing, there needs to be a compromise ideally. Could the football and slimming club work on alternate weeks with DSS's mum taking him the weeks your DH can't?

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 19-Oct-13 13:12:34

X-post with Nessalina smile

WaitMonkey Sat 19-Oct-13 17:15:24

Your dh needs to find a solution, you shouldn't give up your class.

mercibucket Sat 19-Oct-13 17:32:09

Whoever organised the class should take ds

The mum

Or your dh could organise a class on a day he has him

Easy

lifeissweet Sat 19-Oct-13 17:44:03

From a slightly different perspective, my DS has a step mother. If I had organised an activity for him that clashed with a commitment of hers I would see it as my responsibility to make that work between me and DS's father. I would not be happy for her to be changing arrangements for my DS. I don't see why she should.

I have. DSS and a DD too. My life is a constant juggling act, but with all of the children and adults involved we all make things fit somehow. I don't think you should have to change your plans, OP. I think your DP and your DSS's mother need to sort it out - this is one if the benefits of having so many adults in your family - lots of people to juggle arrangements with!

misskatamari Sat 19-Oct-13 18:36:49

Completely agree with Lifeissweet. It is up to DH and the boys mother to come up with a way to sort this out instead of just expecting the OP to give up her long standing plans. Losing weight is hard but maintaining is the real battle. Totally agree that YANBU OP! I hope you manage to get this sorted out so all are happy with the situation.

IdreamofFairies Sat 19-Oct-13 19:02:00

i never normally post on these sort of posts but just wanted to say yanbu and wow just wow at the nasty comments you have received about trying to stop your dp and dss spending quality time together.

not sure what its like every where else but here foot ball training is with a coach parents are on the side lines. not exactly what i would call invaluable quality time. basically your just transport to and from.

to me quality time is doing something with the child not watching but being involved.

the op has something that SHE enjoys and is committed to going to it doesn't matter what it is.

she may miss out and her dss may decide he doesn't even like the training. to those who thought her dss needs were more important than hers would she be allowed to go back then or should she just stay at home in case he wants to do something else on that night.

Footface Sat 19-Oct-13 19:50:39

My ds wants to go to football training with his df, but his dad's gf won't let him because she wants to go Slimming World at that time every week. AIBU to expect his father to support him?

Or aibu to expect her to change a long standing activity that she has shown commitment too for over 2 1/2 years, because ds wants to go to football training

KittyShcherbatskaya Sat 19-Oct-13 20:29:06

Of course YANBU. I sing in a choir and rehearse one night a week. It's the only hobby I have left from pre parenthood days, and is my evening of being an independent person and doing something I love. When my DC are older they will have evening commitments, and there will be six other available evenings - or DH and I will need to find an arrangement which means I can still go to choir. You don't automatically come lower in the pecking order by virtue of being adult and female. Option s including DSS's DM, other family members, other football parents, paid childcare etc. need to be considered so everyone's needs can be factored in, rather than yours sidelined.

RedHelenB Sun 20-Oct-13 07:56:50

Groups run four times a day & children have been to the evening one. Remember, the SW consultant gets money by having people attend!

RedHelenB Sun 20-Oct-13 07:57:29

And most SW members tend to be women with family or grandkids!

Misfitless Sun 20-Oct-13 08:20:05

OP is not being unreasonable at all.
There must be a way around this - like all the other posters have said - a babysitter/friend to sit with your little ones.
TBH, I don't think it's as easy as DSS just picking another session - if he's in a team he's in a team, and it means as much to him as SW means to OP. As with my DS, you can't just swap and change - you have to meet when the team meets and all train together.
If it's not a team as such, and just a training type session, maybe DS could change to another day, but then again his friends might attend that particular one.
Congrats on amazing weight loss, don't swap groups and try not to feel guilty. You've inspired me to go back to my class!

Misfitless Sun 20-Oct-13 08:23:41

I think some people are missing the point, it doesn't seem to me that the DS needs taking and picking up, it's more about a proud dad wanting to support his SS and watch him train, so SS's mum or other football parents doing the transport bit probably doesn't solve the problem.

Misfitless Sun 20-Oct-13 08:24:06

sorry his DS not his SS.

neolara Sun 20-Oct-13 09:51:32

This really isn't a big issue. Babysitter would sort the problem. Arranging a babysitter isn't a big deal. It can involve sending one text message. I don't understand why there is a big argument about whose job it is to send this one text. If the OP or her dh doesn't already know any babysitters, it's probably not a bad idea to identify one or two they could use. Not only does it solve the football / WW problem, but it might mean they could have a night out together to have some fun. IMO, all families benefit from having babysitters they can call on when needed.

bababababoom Sun 20-Oct-13 11:54:57

And how, Neolara, do families without a babysitter "identify one"??

Please don't take your children into an environment where people are praised for weight loss and the focus is on what kinds of food are ok to eat, op. I am sure that being taken to weight watchers with my grandmother contributed hugely to the eating disorder \I developed and was hospirtalised for, that lasted 15 years.

mercibucket Sun 20-Oct-13 12:58:50

my kids do football 4 or 5 times a week. it is not a 'quality time' experience or a 'lads and dads' type thing

up to the parents to sort out, no need for stepmum to feel she has to stop doing her activity

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 20-Oct-13 13:23:32

Agree with baba - don't take your DCs to SW. DS came with me to WW a few times when I was doing it, he was 6 at the time. Started saying things like "I have a fat tummy" and noticing my weight. It's not a healthy environment for children to be in - and I didn't even stay for the meetings.

DamsonJam Sun 20-Oct-13 15:34:57

Given the nature of your commitment, I would say you are absolutely NBU to keep to it. Your future health and wellbeing (and therefore your DCs and DPs) depend on your commitment to keeping to a healthy weight. The vast majority of people with 5 stone to lose do not lose it and keep it off. The fact that you have done so is a major major achievement and you are right not to let yourself be swayed off course.

NewbieMcNewbie Sun 20-Oct-13 15:53:40

bababa - how do families without babysitters identify one?

Are you joking?

Same way families with babysitters identified one!

olgaga Sun 20-Oct-13 16:49:18

So OP, your SW is important to you, and your DSS's football is important to your DH.

TBH I woudnt be happy about your DC having to be out that late in midweek, especially if the 4yo is at school. So it looks like a babysitter is your only option. Are you going to fall out about who organises the babysitter?

Dubjackeen Sun 20-Oct-13 17:24:08

First of all, congrats on your weight loss. flowers
YANBU. There are two other adults, who can surely arrange to bring the child to and from football. As other posters have pointed out, and in my (limited) experience, it is not a bonding opportunity, more a case of standing looking on, from the sidelines, during any kind of sports training.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 20-Oct-13 18:13:00

To those saying get a babysitter - this would add an absolute minimum of £5-6 per week to the household, and that's if you could convince someone just to come for the hour. Plus they would need someone that they trust enough to put a 1 & 4 year old to bed, due to the timing of the sessions.

I don't know what the answer is, but it just seems a bit simplistic to go - babysitter - ta dah, problem solved, unless cost is not an issue.

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 20-Oct-13 18:24:03

Take it from me DON'T give up your group

I gave up the only thing I did with a group of people who became friends due to the dchildren & dhs work commitments

Fast forward 10 years & dh us in a different job, has a good social life with his friends. Dd is at secondary school miles away & first need me to take her places & I have no friends, no social life, not even someone I can phone for a chat.

Don't give up the one thing that is for you as one day when the kids have give you'll be alone.

olgaga Sun 20-Oct-13 19:02:58

Yes I agree, I never had anyone who could babysit, and never wanted them to be left with a total stranger even if I could have afforded it.

I just accepted there were things I wanted to do which I couldn't do while my children were small. It's such a short time out of your life after all.

OPs DH wants to give up his Wednesday evening to take his DS to football training and stand around in the cold to support him. It's not as though he's suddenly decided to go to the pub with his mates to play pool.

I think OP is being inflexible and unco-operative. The real danger is that unlike her DH, who wants to do this for his son, her reasons are purely selfish. I think her lack of co-operation on this issue could have undesirable long-term consequences. .

mercibucket Sun 20-Oct-13 19:39:38

There are some things that I would give up for my kids and some I wouldn't
I have an activity I do once a week that I won't cancel
I have others I would
Sounds like sw is one the op won't and her dh will just have to work a way round it or a different day for the activity
He just thinks his / his sons activity comes first
Why should it?

olgaga Sun 20-Oct-13 19:45:55

We can't assume there is "a way round it".

mercibucket Sun 20-Oct-13 20:24:53

Well yes there may be no way round it in which case he has the option of a different day or not doing the activity
Such is family life
Some of my kids can't do stuff cos their siblings are doing other stuff
Life is like that
The op has an activity that is important to her
So if it can't be rescheduled the football either happens on a different day, doesn't happen ot dh takes the other kids
I wouldn't do the babysitting thing but that's me

NachoAddict Sun 20-Oct-13 20:26:23

Yanbu, you have been doing this for years, why should you change now. What is dss suddenly decides to do another hobby?

Can dsd's mother take him?

Can dh take the smaller children to football, Come straight home and drop dss home when you get back from sw?

Alternate weeks would be a nice compromise for you to agree too, dh could take turns with another football parent.

Dss mother should have checked before she arranged it that it was workable.

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