To think these are red flags

(45 Posts)
MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 20:30:27

my friend thinks I'm over reacting,

nice guy couple of dates so far so good but

shit relationship with his ex where they are in court and he sees his children once a fortnight in a contact centre which he has never missed, apparently it's like this because he would not give in to her demands of £400PM.

his dm has a key to his flat and goes over and tidys it up for him.

It might be because I have had a few shitty relationships -_understatement-- and no I don't have any spidery senses about him one way or the other I just find this off putting.

So am I over thinking it all?

cupcake78 Thu 17-Oct-13 20:34:01

His mother tidys up for him?! This would make me run a mile .

As got the contact centre I'm not certain but I'm fairly sure contact as he has is not solely on the grounds of finances. I may be wrong about this but I would be suspiction!

MissMarplesBloomers Thu 17-Oct-13 20:36:17

Nope, trust your spidy senses.

Access & maintenance are 2 seperate issues.

RF No 1...he doesn't pay for his kids voluntarily.

RF No 2....Contact centre access is not arranged for anyone with just a mild disagreement with their ex, I'm sorry.

RF no3.....he's never going to find someone who looks after him like mother!!

Are you running yet??! grin

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 20:40:48

Just to clarify she has apparently told lies to the court because he wouldn't pay her £400, I think he does pay just not that amount.

TheCricketWidow Thu 17-Oct-13 20:41:26

My concern would be the fact that he sees his kids in a contact centre..theres more to that story than you know i feel.

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 20:41:35

I actually think he's nice, if it wasn't for this...glad I'm not the only one who thinks its odd"!

expatinscotland Thu 17-Oct-13 20:42:44

Slagging off the ex, classic red flag. Ditto not wanting to pay up for his kids. And the last one. . . his ma tidies up for him?

DELETE, BLOCK this person asap. He is bad news.

Lilacroses Thu 17-Oct-13 20:45:03

I agree with you OP. Both of those things would make me wonder and would probably make me equally concerned. Meeting the kids in the contact center and the being horrible about the ex is worrying and the bit about his mum tidying his flat....ugh, I just cannot stand that in a grown adult.

LonelyGoatherd Thu 17-Oct-13 20:46:41

Scarlet crimson flags flying high.
Move on.

Sidge Thu 17-Oct-13 20:47:54

Having contact with his children in a contact centre would be a massive red flag for me.

AFAIK that is usually ordered via courts or Children's Services because there is considered to be risk to the children or the resident parent from the non-resident parent.

Dawndonnaagain Thu 17-Oct-13 20:52:41

I wouldn't be comfortable if he is only seeing his children in a contact centre. I'd start disengaging as soon as possible.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 20:53:15

So, what are you going to do about it ? Carry on seeing him ?

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 20:54:27

Obviously I cannot go to much into it in case ex in question is on here, but apparently it's in case he runs off with them back to his country. It hasn't been contact in contact centre very long and last year he took them abroad on holiday.

Whether it's all a bunch of lies from her to them, or he is what she says it's all to much drama for me anyway.

I always thought contact centres were for parents with dc in ss care or violent parents who still had contact, or absent parents trying to prove they can be reliable. It's not the go to position for contact when courts are involved is it?

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 20:55:28

So, you are ending it then ?

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 20:55:47

No I'm not going to carry on seeing him, it's been sitting uncomfortably since he told me last night.

BrokenSunglasses Thu 17-Oct-13 20:56:40

Bright red flags all over the place, move on.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 20:57:29

OP there's a heartbreaking thread on MN at the moment involving a mother who is being forced to let her son have unsupervised contact with his father despite police and social services involvement because of suspect sexual abuse. Supervised contact is not granted just because a parent claims it is necessary. There have to be grounds. That alone would send me running.

Having his mum come round to clean his flat? Ugh! I don't find able-bodied, perfectly capable men who behave like children to be remotely attractive.

expatinscotland Thu 17-Oct-13 20:59:21

Oh, please, cut off contact with this guy. WAY too many red flags.

teacherandguideleader Thu 17-Oct-13 21:00:29

My bf's mother comes over and lets herself in and does stuff - it bothered me to start with but now it doesn't at all and I just see it as a few less things I have to do! (I also get on great with her which helps it be a non-issue).

The other things would be massive red flags though.

DontmindifIdo Thu 17-Oct-13 21:00:40

Love, get those running shoes on, he's not a keeper.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:01:48

It's just that I see these kinds of threads quite a lot. A woman comes on to ask if she is BU about some rather worrying red flags. Unfortunately, it is clear to all concerned though that she has no intention of dumping said fuckwit.

Or we get repeated threads where the same poster comes on looking for different answers to the same questions.

I hope you get shut.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:03:08

teacher are these "things that you don't have to do" because his mummy does them only your responsibility ?

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 21:15:43

I know there are cases where ex's are awful (I have a fair few) it's the contact centre thats the biggest sign saying run muff run. It was only a couple of dates nothing to get excited about will just not return last text. Don't have to dump him or anything. <wipes hands>

josephinebruce Thu 17-Oct-13 21:18:57

Please, end it. He's bad news. You know it xx

HoneyStepMummy Thu 17-Oct-13 21:24:29

I'm presuming his mum is choosing to help him out by cleaning his house? I'm guessing he's not forcing her into it. You said he's from another country- this is very common in a lot of Southern European countries.
Did you ask him why the visits are at a contact center? What I would be most concerned about is do you want to be involved with someone who has children with a difficult ex?

SaucyJack Thu 17-Oct-13 21:27:21

What's his income?

£50 per child per week doesn't sound like an outrageous amount for his ex to ask for IMO.

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 21:30:17

honey she doesn't do it everyday or every week but on a adhoc basis as he works long hours. It only came up as we were chatting about spare keys and he said his dm had one and sometimes popped round and cleaned up.

Yes the vists are because she has told the court the children are at risk of being took by him and took to his country. (even though he has lived here since teenage years) She has said this because he refuses to pay more then what he already pays maintenance.

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 21:31:01

I don't know what his income is, only had 2 dates.

expatinscotland Thu 17-Oct-13 21:32:27

Muff, you have only his side of the story. Do you REALLY believe the best you can do is a guy who has all this fucking baggage and drama in his life? What a pain in the arse. Dump.

phantomnamechanger Thu 17-Oct-13 21:34:24

Run and don't look back.

MuffCakes Thu 17-Oct-13 21:35:48

It is a lot isn't expat! I know it's not anything yet but being a stepmum is hard work esp with these sorts of issues.

Not for me I'm afraid

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 17-Oct-13 21:35:53

Run like fuck.

Contact centre places are very hard to get without very good reason.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 17-Oct-13 21:37:23

And risk of abduction unless he concurred there was a risk is not normally a good enough reason

jacks365 Thu 17-Oct-13 21:40:57

Muff it is possible if there was a real risk of flight that supervised contact could be ordered but his mum lives local which would go massively in his favour so the ex would have had to prove serious threats being made so text messages or emails, her word would not be enough. These are serious red flags.

marriedinwhiteisback Thu 17-Oct-13 21:43:00

I don't think it's so much a red flag or two as the lifeguards unilaterally closing the beach due to danger tbh.

I'm sorry if you are disappointed and feeling hurt - that must be horrid but better out of this sooner rather than later.

I am really sorry he's been such a disappointment

Drgonzosattorney Thu 17-Oct-13 21:44:41

Ditch the bastard! Sounds like a rotten son of a bitch!

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Thu 17-Oct-13 22:14:19

Run before you get in any deeper

If you're not going to then why even bother asking?

FreudiansSlipper Thu 17-Oct-13 22:24:23

your senses are alert for a reason never ignore regardless if you think that person is nice

and the contact centre that is enough to tell you to stay away

neunundneunzigluftballons Thu 17-Oct-13 22:47:25

Reds flags galore run you can do better

AndysMildAdventures Thu 17-Oct-13 23:01:37

He SAYS the ex made it up because of the money. I could say I have a bright yellow donkey in my back garden but it doesn't mean its a fact.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Fri 18-Oct-13 00:27:22

Family courts are very cautious in the early stages and will often order contact in a contact centre as a starting point, while the information is gathered in to enable a final decision; it's better than no contact at all but acknowledges and guards against alleged risks. It's not necessarily a red flag. The troubled relationship with his ex could well be a load of baggage you don't want to take on, though.

MuffCakes Fri 18-Oct-13 17:21:00

cat es it's not the final decision it's just while it's all sorted out.

YouTheCat Fri 18-Oct-13 17:26:17

Being as he won't have the kids birth certs or passports I fail to see how he could be a flight risk where his kids are concerned.

I'd run a mile.

Frostedloop Fri 18-Oct-13 17:29:01

If my mother ever used the key to my place when I wasn't on holiday and it wasn't an emergency like a leaking pipepipe I would be furious. A guy letting his mum tidy for him? ERM take anything he says with a pinch of salt, slagging his ex off? Probabfily as he use to beat her, nothing to do with financial demands IMO. She should run a mile.

PS I am a guy.

WineIsMyMainVice Fri 18-Oct-13 17:48:17

Get out now! before you get too attached!
Any man who has his mother come over and tidy up for him will be trouble. What else does she do for him? Can you imagine if this woman was ever your mil???!!!
Good luck.

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