My dad had died. Will I ever feel ok again?

(93 Posts)
dollywashers Thu 17-Oct-13 18:18:22

My dad died yesterday. I'd love to hear from other people who have lost a parent if life can ever be the same again. I feel distraught. How do people go on living normal lives after something so heartbreaking.

Bunbaker Thu 17-Oct-13 18:21:37

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad flowers

I lost my dad over 20 years ago and it does get better. I now remember him with nostalgia rather than sadness.

MaidOfStars Thu 17-Oct-13 18:22:14

So sorry to hear this. I have not been in your position but I think it's too early for you to be trying to achieve "normality". Do you have to be "normal" at the moment?

Take your time and grieve as you want to. Try to eat, try to sleep, but don't beat yourself up if you can't see any light.

grovel Thu 17-Oct-13 18:23:13

I'm so sorry. I've lost both my parents. Yes, life does get back to a new/different normality. In time.

Big hug.

MrsLouisTheroux Thu 17-Oct-13 18:24:13

I'm so sorry. No, life will never be the same again but you learn to live with the changes your loss and sadness brings. My dad died a long time ago when I was in my twenties and I miss him terribly. The whole family has 'adjusted' and its very hard but you will be happy again, just a different kind of happy. Take care x

dexter73 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:24:51

Sorry to hear about your dad. My dad died 3 years ago and it does get easier. Like Bunbaker says I remember him with nostalgia not sadness. Tbh I found it quite surprising how life just does carry on when something so awful has happened.

level3at6months Thu 17-Oct-13 18:24:53

Oh Dolly sad

My dad died 7 years ago now. It does get better, really it does. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I never thought I would be able to carry on and function normally again, but the pain dulls. I still have very sad days but they are now much less often.

Sending big hugs.

insancerre Thu 17-Oct-13 18:25:46

sorry to hear of your loss
thanks
yes, time does heal
things are never back to 'normal' but it does become easier to bear
life is shit but it is how you deal with it that makes all the difference to the rest of your life

jeee Thu 17-Oct-13 18:26:12

After my sister died, someone said something to my parents which made sense - the hole left will never get any smaller, but you will learn to live around the hole in time.

With best wishes.

BlackbeltinBS Thu 17-Oct-13 18:26:45

Like Bunbaker, mine died over 20 years ago. It's not a pain in the same way, it's certainly not all I can think about or anything, but it still catches me unexpectedly sometimes - normal life "with a surprise twist from time to time".

It will cease to be the pain you feel right now, honestly it will. I hope you have other family members to grieve together.

CrispyFB Thu 17-Oct-13 18:27:19

sad I am so sorry. It is one of the most horrific things a person can go through in most cases I am sure. Completely life changing.

I lost my dad suddenly back in 2008.. knocked us all for six. I felt exactly the same as you - would life ever go back to normal?

Well, life did go back to normal. I have happiness just as often as I always did. But I miss him, and wish he was still here. The raw grief needs to be "worked through" (there is no textbook for this and it can get very messy) but there comes a point where the dust settles and there is not much more to work through. In my case I was left with "life as normal" but with that tiny little bit of sadness always there on my shoulder. Especially at big things, like the birth of new DC, significant achievements I knew he would have been proud of like running the marathon.. it kind of makes things feel 99% brilliant instead of 100%. And of course there are moments, often completely out the blue, where I still cry and think of him. I don't think those things will ever really leave me. But at the same time these days my overall happiness is as good as it ever was if that makes sense?

I'm not religious at all, and I have often felt envious of those who are who truly feel their loved ones are in a better place or watching over them as that must feel a great comfort.

Much sympathy on your sad loss.

BikeRunSki Thu 17-Oct-13 18:28:07

It hurts doesn't it? But it's ok to hurt. My dad died twenty years ago this coming Christmas. He had been ill for over ten years, he'd deteriorated over a few weeks, but it was still am awful shock when I got the phone call.

Bunbaker has put it perfectly, that I now remember him with fondness rather than sadness. I'd gave liked him to see me graduate, get married, meet my children ... But he was so much part of the person I am as an adult I am ways so pleased that that amazing man wast dad.

brunette123 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:28:39

oh no I am so sorry to hear that. I lost my dad almost 2 years ago and my mum in 2000. I am not married and have no children and live alone. Do you have family around you? It does get easier yes but sometimes something will trigger my tears or tight throat and despite the fact that I gave up my career to look after my dad for 2 years I still feel that I could have done more or been nicer but then I did alot and think no matter what you feel that way. Life is not the same no in my experience as my parents loved me unconditionally and "got" me in a way no one else ever did. But I was lucky as they were good parents and I was a wanted child and they were together until my mum died. I do feel that my friends who still have both parents do not understand but I can't really expect them to.
I also found it made (and still does) me ask questions about myself and my life - particularly about having children. I was also fortunate as I had time with both my parents when they were ill and they were not taken suddenly from me. But I would be lying if I said that a day goes by when I do not miss them.
Tomorrow is dad's birthday and it is his anniversary in a couple of weeks and my mum's in November.
I really am sending you lots of love. I hope you have lots of people around to support you. I found my dad's funeral really tough - it was a beautiful service but perhaps because he was the remaining parent it was heartbreaking.
xxxxxx

Sarah2506 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:31:33

Mine died last August. It was expected- he had emphysema and so it was only a matter of time. I was distraught. I'm 35. That's just too young to not have a dad. I was there and although horrific I'm glad to have had the chance to say goodbye.

The first few days are terrible. The funeral helped focus and deal and a year later it's easier.

Good advice; every bereavement is unique. You will deal with it and it will get better, but what worked for me won't necessarily work for you. It is very unhelpful to tell you how you will feel today, next week or next month as its entirely your experience. Do whatever works for you to get through. Be selfish and kind to yourself. Remind yourself this too will pass.

I hope you are ok. Sending love.

MrsLouisTheroux Thu 17-Oct-13 18:32:36

Thinking of you tomorrow brunette

Morgause Thu 17-Oct-13 18:33:36

So sorry for your loss. You will feel ok again, different but ok.

Concentrate on getting through the next week or so.

ArgyMargy Thu 17-Oct-13 18:33:42

Strange to put in AIBU. Have you tried Bereavement - took me a while to find it but it's in Body & Soul. Lots of good stuff there. I feel for you. thanks

brunette123 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:34:53

Thank you MrsLouisTheroux

Brussel Thu 17-Oct-13 18:37:12

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother died just over a year ago and I still have bad days, but fewer than i had. She's in my thoughts every day and I still get upset but don't feel so desperately alone. Strength.

worriedsick100 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:40:17

I lost my Dad too. I am still very early in my journey to deal with this so not much advice but there is a particular thread in bereavement for those that have lost parents:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1849632-Please-join-us-here-if-you-have-lost-a-parent-and-need-support-3

Best wishes.

xCupidStuntx Thu 17-Oct-13 18:41:02

Oh you poor thing!
I lost my mam two years ago, just a few days after I had DD. God the pain was unbearable, it does fade though but I still think of her every day and at first it's like a punch, this strong memory that will just stop you in your tracks and catch your breath but the sadness turns into fondness if that makes sense. Mind yourself and don't ever rush yourself through the grieving process, it's a trauma so look after yourself!! x x

PoppyFleur Thu 17-Oct-13 18:41:11

I am so sorry.

I lost my dad suddenly in February. I can't even recall the following 2 months, it was a blur. I can't believe that I will never have another conversation with my wonderful dad again, it's just too painful to believe.

We are learning to manage, my mum, siblings and I speak daily, keeping close to each other & that helps. I know in time I will remember dad and not feel so much pain, I am getting there but it's hard.

If I hadn't had such a fantastic dad then I wouldn't feel such grief, so I am grateful to had had such a loving dad in my life for so long, I only hope I make him as proud as he made me.

Fleta Thu 17-Oct-13 18:41:41

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad thanks

ohmymimi Thu 17-Oct-13 18:42:03

I am so sorry. My Dad died when I was ten, but he is with me always, everything I love in life is because of him. So take each day as it comes, talk about him and think of all that he gave to you. Of course you miss him, but he will always be part of you and, in time, that will comfort you.

FlapJackOLantern Thu 17-Oct-13 18:44:59

So sorry dollywashers, it is awful, I know. You think you will never get back to normal and resent the fact that the sun still shines when you are feeling so awful. It DOES get better with time.

It was my Dad's birthday 4 days ago, and he died 43 years ago. It was so sudden that we were in shock for months and months.

Keep strong. It will ease with time although you will never forget.

Ginnytonic82 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:45:56

I'm so sorry. I lost my dad 6 years ago now, and while it is very difficult I hand on heart promise it gets better. One of the most helpful things has been talking about our fond (and funny) memories of him as a family. Stick together and support each other, don't be afraid to ask of help if you need or want it. The best advice my mum gave to us all was, there is no right or wrong way to feel right now, laugh, cry, scream, whatever you need.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 17-Oct-13 18:46:12

It will get easier to live with. My lovely Dad died 6 years ago and it's terrible but it does get easier, I promise.

AnyoneforTurps Thu 17-Oct-13 18:50:30

You never "get over" a death but, in time, you learn to live without the person. You never stop missing them, but it stops being so painful. My Dad died 12 years ago this month and I still think of him every day but that's a good thing - now that the pain of losing him has reduced, I enjoy being reminded of him so often.

Be very kind to yourself and give yourself time. thanks

BlackeyedSusan Thu 17-Oct-13 18:50:43

different people respond to grief in different ways. my dad died just over a year ago. I had to put grief on hold while I looked after mum who, quite frankly, went to pieces and ended up in a care home for 4 months. I am now letting it out in bits and pieces. you do learn to live with the grief. it stings less and less often s time passes, at least for me. I am still not yet at a stage where i can think about him with pleasant memories but it hs got better.

Bunbaker Thu 17-Oct-13 18:54:04

"You never "get over" a death but, in time, you learn to live without the person"

Everyone is different. I have "got over" both of my parents deaths, but I had left home for quite a few years and was used to only seeing them every few months. My mum died 23 years ago and my dad 26 years ago. If they were still alive my dad would have been 104 and my mum 94. It doesn't mean I loved them any less.

sparkle12mar08 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:55:27

My parents both died 18 and 20 years ago. Life does get better, yes. It's never the same because you can't get them back, but you become accustomed to living with the loss. If I'm very honest about it, it's been so very long for me, more than half my life, that I often don't think about them day to day, and there's an acceptance now (and has been for a long time) that my life just is what it is. That is in stark contrast to the first few years after loosing them, it took about two years to get over the first raw, physically painful grief, and another two years or so to start feeling about 'normal' again. And over the past decade or so my life has moved to a place where I feel they would have liked me to be - happy, settled, with a family of my own. And that knowledge that they would be happy and pleased for me helps on the odd days when things come back to me.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and you have my best wishes x

I lost my Mum 12 years ago, and Dad 2 weeks ago.
It's difficult, right now I'm a bit of a mess.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Oct-13 18:58:55

I'm so sorry OP, what a shocksad thanks

I don't think you ever 'get over' someone close dying,I think your world shifts and you find a new way to carry on.

Ime anything goes for the first year at least of grieving so expect lots of ups and downs and be very kind to yourself x

Jan49 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:59:22

I'm so sorry. thanks

My parents and grandparents are all long dead, but I think of one or another of them every day. Sometimes it's in a sad way and sometimes it's remembering them in a nice way. They are part of me and who I am so they live on in that way.

MatryoshkaDoll Thu 17-Oct-13 19:00:28

My mum died quite suddenly six years ago and yes, I promise you, you will feel okay again. Bit obviously not right away. Grief is a very unique process to each person and there's nothing you can do to hurry it up unfortunately.

But it's vital that you do allow yourself to grieve properly. Sleep, try to eat regularly, cry, be gentle with yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. But I do promise it gets a lot easier to bear with time.

ElsiesToy Thu 17-Oct-13 19:05:16

I'm sorry to hear about your dad dolly.

My dad died in January. The awful lurching sick feeling in the pit of your stomach passes, as does the uphill soupy numb sensation that you feel like you are trudging through for weeks.

It takes time but it does get different. Less sharp. Good and happy memories surface through the grief which make it more tolerable.

Eat whatever you want to. Sleep whenever you can or want to. Cry whenever you want to.

Big hugs for you xxx

Bunbaker Thu 17-Oct-13 19:07:49

So sorry Netto flowers

Finola1step Thu 17-Oct-13 19:10:00

Hello Dolly. I'm so sorry about your dad. Tomorrow will be 6 months since I lost my Dad. I can't decide if the six months have dragged or whizzed past in a blur.

Tomorrow is a day that I thought I would dread. But actually I'm ok. Not fantastic. But ok. I've started doing bits and pieces to help myself and my dc remember Dad. Have ordered the apple tree my son would like to plant, have been going through old camera memory cards in case there are photos on them I have missed.

You will feel better. But no one can tell you when and no one has the right to try. Your grief is personal and you have the right to grieve for your dad in your own way and in your own time. You will be in my thoughts.

CPtart Thu 17-Oct-13 19:24:00

My dad died almost 15 years ago when he was 54 and I was 26. The absolute worst time of my life, although it does get easier as the months pass but you never forget and I could cry about it now.

He never saw me married or saw my lovely boys. He was deprived of that and they of him, and that's the saddest part of all.

thegreylady Thu 17-Oct-13 19:27:49

I have lost both my parents and a husband. The grieving never stops but it changes and you change too. So sorry for your loss.

josephinebruce Thu 17-Oct-13 19:29:04

I am so very sorry for your loss. My parents are still alive, but I lost my partner very suddenly a few years ago. I have no memory of the first 6 months following his death now, but I do know that it seemed that the whole world had turned on its head. I do remember that the change in seasons was particularly difficult because it was like the world was moving on and he wasn't in it anymore. Sounds silly now, but at the time it all made sense. During that time someone told me that when things are at their worst just concentrate on getting through the next hour. That helped. SOmetimes you will need to just shut yourself away from the world and grieve, sometimes you will need to be with people and be comforted. Life will never be the same because your Dad isn't there any longer, but that doesn't mean that it has no meaning, or that it has no more joy for you. It is a cliche, but time does heal - or at least you get used to the change. Take care and big hugs xx

plummyjam Thu 17-Oct-13 19:32:45

thanks

I lost my dad suddenly 10 years ago. I think the hardest thing initially was helping my mum to deal with it. Then later my own sadness. I remember asking a friend whose dad had died when she was a child how long she felt it took her to get over it.

"You don't get over it, you just get on with it".

Probably the best advice I was given. I think about him every day but when we talk about him now we smile and laugh and I'm not sad any more.

Take each day as it comes and talk about how you're feeling. It's surprising how many other people have been through the same thing and how much strength you can draw from each other.

Primafacie Thu 17-Oct-13 19:34:00

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my dad two years ago. The first year was the most difficult - every day is a "first" - first Christmas without him, birthdays, or just normal days - I kept thinking "but he's not here to see it". My son was born three weeks after my dad died, my head was all over the place but it kept me busy, which I think was a good thing.

Big hugs.

Bunbaker Thu 17-Oct-13 19:36:17

Primafacie is right. The first milestones are the hardest, but it does get easier.

spindlyspindler Thu 17-Oct-13 20:03:53

I am so sorry. My dad died of a heart attack in 1999 - no warning. You won't forget him but you'll learn to live with it. It will get easier and you will feel human again. I'm so sorry x

kumamon Thu 17-Oct-13 20:16:54

I remember writing a very similar message Dollywasher almost 5 years ago the day after my Dad died.

I promise you that you will be ok. You'll have times when it hits you hard, but never more than you can take at time. The waves of sadness come and then go, until they get less frequent and less painful and gradually recede to a point where you are at peace. But don't be worried about the ebb and flow, grief is not linear and sometimes you won't understand your emotions.

I had a moment, a few days after he died - just half a minute or something - when I felt this overwhelming rush of love bad peace - and I knew he was there, and was happy. It was incredible and it was something I could hold on to in the darker times.

Hug a lot, cry a lot, and even laugh sometimes. You will be ok, but I am thinking of you at this very difficult time.

quoteunquote Thu 17-Oct-13 20:17:47

Mum died twenty years ago, it's hard I won't lie, a different type of normal will eventually emerge.

kumamon Thu 17-Oct-13 20:18:01

*Love AND peace. Sorry

MissBetseyTrotwood Thu 17-Oct-13 20:26:17

23 years ago here. It will become less raw and it will change all the time. With each new step you take in life, they way you remember him and need his memory will change. I'm not going to lie; the day I married, the days I had my babies the sadness and empty space was still there, as if he should be there. But the very act of remembering him and wanting him there was a way of keeping him alive and it's that I'll never forget him that makes him part of my life ever day.

Be good to yourself now. Small steps.

Bathtimesoaker Thu 17-Oct-13 20:26:21

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was 23 when my father just didn't wake up one morning. It's never been the same since and life is still a lot harder without him even though it's nearly 5 years. I got married 2 months ago and am still devastated that he's not there. In my experience the tears get less and the pain is less raw but it still hurts. Try and write down stories of your father now if you can, I know it hurts. I did that and I've been surprised by how many things I've forgotten and I find it a joy to read those stories now.

ILovePonyo Thu 17-Oct-13 20:34:26

I'm sorry dolly.

My dad died suddenly a year and a half ago, the shock was huge. I have recently had cruse counselling and found it really helpful, but it's early days for you and to be honest you'll probably stumble on blindly like I remember doing, you'll have the funeral to deal with so I hope you have some support.

Yes you'll feel ok again but then you'll possibly feel guilty about it (like I did!) and other days you'll feel shit again. Then ok, etc. it's really hard, you have my full sympathy x x

dollywashers Thu 17-Oct-13 20:52:23

Thank you so much. The kindness in your posts is quite overwhelming.

LadySybilPussPolham Thu 17-Oct-13 20:53:59

So sorry for you. My dad died last month from cancer. Although he'd deteriorated rapidly it was still a hideous shock. My stepmum, brother and I put all our energy into arranging a humanist funeral and we gave him a heartfelt, personal send off. Now I don't know how to feel, I'm getting on with it but the sadness is constantly there. On top of this I'm having marriage problems and it just feels like there are layers and layers of grief. Take it one day at a time

Amy106 Thu 17-Oct-13 21:04:22

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My mother passed away very suddenly six years ago. At first there was a numbing shock, followed by intense grief and then slowly things began to feel more normal again. It was a different kind of normal of course because your loved one is no longer with you. The first year was the toughest because she was suddenly not there at Christmas, at family celebrations etc. In time grief was replaced little by little with memories until today when I think of her I remember happy times and not so much the tragedy that took her life.
OP, it doesn't seem possible but time will make your situation more bearable.

Blissx Thu 17-Oct-13 21:04:30

The way I see it, as humans, we have a wonderful capacity to get through things. I lost my Dad aged 10, my brother aged 20 and my Mum aged 25. First time, I had a painful ache in my stomach that took roughly 3 months to fade, before I felt dull. With my brother, I was in numb shock. With my Mum, I was hysterical for a few days, then seemed to go on auto pilot afterwards. I now, remember them all fondly (with a few days here and there such as birth of baby and wedding day) and it doesn't hurt any more. You will get through this. That is what makes us so special as human beings.
I believe and I know you will eventually feel less pain. Lots of virtual love xx.

BMW6 Thu 17-Oct-13 21:04:32

So sorry for your loss, OP. flowers

Both my parents died aged 76, not that many years ago. The loss is unbearable, but you learn to bear it.

Believe me, the agonizing pain will fade, weep and wail and do whatever to let the grief have it's sway.

In years to come you will remember them more clearly than you do now. They will always be a part of you - how not, for you are made from them!

As I said before, weep and rage now. Peace will come.

Iamsparklyknickers Thu 17-Oct-13 21:43:23

thanks

I lost my mum fairly young and the grief was overwhelming.

I've come to the conclusion that losing someone whose such a constant in your world is one of those events that shapes who you are as a person, so it follows you have to get to know who you are again and what that means to your world as it is now.

You will get there, you will be able to smile, laugh and generally be happy and thankful that you were able to have your dad for the time you did without that stinging feeling of unfairness and being frightened of the unknown. Gradually it becomes the background of your day instead of the focus. Ime experience the sadness doesn't really ever go, but it does soften and become something of a tribute to the person gone.

It's right there should be sadness for someone you love, but it's also right that they should be remembered with smiles as well.

You have to put your trust in time sweet, take each day as it comes - there's nothing wrong or right about how you're feeling at any one time. You will put the pieces back together.

huhmuhguh Thu 17-Oct-13 22:08:53

So sorry to hear about your dad OP.

You will be ok. It won't necessarily be the same type of ok that you were before, but you'll get through it.

Losing my dad 3 years ago has genuinely changed me as a person but in a positive way - I know he'd want to see me happy with my life.

couch25cakes Thu 17-Oct-13 22:33:12

My dad died about a week before 9/11, after a very short battle with cancer. I think it took about a year before I recovered from it. Now, 12 years on I still miss him terribly and I feel so sad he didn't get to meet dd. The sadness can creep up on me suddenly and I've never been able to watch my wedding video since (we married six months before he died), but I mostly remember him with fondness and a smile these days.

Take care of yourself. So sorry.

Donkeyok Thu 17-Oct-13 22:36:17

I lost my dad when I was 13. I think it dramatically shaped the adult I became as I felt damaged and acted out for the next 10 years at least. (the days before schools were informed and counselling available). For many years when people asked about my dad I spoke about the horrific way he died which was wrapped up with my hurt for the love I had lost. It took me many more years to not cry when I spoke of him and think on more positive aspects of his/our life. Now there are many days when I don't think about him; but when I do I have found a happy place where I can reflect on good times and good influences and how he may have felt had he seen this or that. I hope you get whatever support you need so that it doesn't take you this long. Moving on with your life and goals are what he would have wanted for you. These small distractions in the moment will help you balance out your grief. Don't feel guilty for being able to forget your pain for 5 minutes and enjoy your life. Its part of the healing process you will gradually although slowly get there.

Spikeytree Thu 17-Oct-13 22:39:51

My dad died 8 years ago this week, when I was 25. I've never gotten over it and life hasn't returned to 'normal', but it has gone on. It is different now but I wouldn't want it to be the same anyway. One thing I've found exceptionally difficult is that we shared a birthday and I therefore can't celebrate my birthday any more. I go to the grave and take flowers but I can't stand anyone wishing me happy birthday and I get very down for the 3 weeks between our birthdays and the anniversary of his death.

I still get caught out occasionally, sometimes I see something and think 'I'll tell Dad that' or 'Dad would like that for Christmas' and then it all comes back in a rush.

Take care of yourself and give yourself time. x

Freesia2013 Thu 17-Oct-13 22:50:23

Sorry for your loss. My lovely mum died unexpectedly in Feb and it's just weird. The raw pain does go and then also the numb passes feeling. But still hard to believe she's not here anymore, she wasn't 60 yet and would have had 39th wedding anniversary this year, so my poor dad is having a much more significant adjustment.

Hopefully you have friends or close family to support you, take care and wishing you all the best - the first few months are the most difficult.
Phone is going odd so apologies but do speak to someone one when ready. I keep a diary to write to her (silly as she'll never read it or hear it but I find it helps).

morethanpotatoprints Thu 17-Oct-13 22:57:03

Hello my love, so sorry for you.
My Dad died 5 years ago, my mum 6 years ago and I thought I would never be the same again.
It takes time but it does get easier and eventually you can remember them with fondness and happiness rather than a sad feeling.
I think about them all the time and every now and then something will bring a tear or too, but never as often as it did the first year or two.
Take care and allow yourself to mourn and grieve and if you need any support when others aren't available, please keep posting.
so sorry.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Thu 17-Oct-13 23:01:41

I have no experience of death of a parent, but You are in my thoughts.

Echocave Thu 17-Oct-13 23:08:47

OP, a big hug from me. I lost my mum almost exactly 2 years ago a few weeks before DC1 arrived. I think I was in a form of shock for about 6 months even though my lovely mum had actually been ill for some time. I think I was just adjusting to the new reality.
I took real comfort from the fact that she knew how much I loved her and vice versa and my pain was because she was such a lovely person.

The advice about taking one day at a time is very useful. All of life is a process and grieving is too. You don't know exactly how you will feel and when - but I promise you, you will learn to adjust. I can now look at pictures of my mum and listen to music (I couldn't listen to any music for about a year as it made me too emotional) and really remember the laughs we had with her.

Before she died, I couldn't imagine how life could go on without her but it has and you will have some great things ahead of you to celebrate and you will never forget your Dad.

Very best wishes to you xxx

kali110 Thu 17-Oct-13 23:54:41

Im so so sorry for you.
I lost my dad five years ago and it still feels like it happened yesterday. You never get over it, you just learn to deal with the pain

HnZ Fri 18-Oct-13 00:24:57

So sorry,

My dad died suddenly 13 years ago when I was 23 and he was 49. Yes, the pain numbs over time but things don't ever go back to normal-normal. It totally changed my outlook on life. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself and your family.

CanucksoontobeinLondon Fri 18-Oct-13 01:42:50

Hugs. I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if the stuff below has already been covered by other posters.

I lost my dad five years ago and my mom less than a year ago. I won't lie, it was tough, and it continues to be tough. However, it does get better. I found I got better in patches. At first I was sad all the time, then every so often I would forget my sorrow and be happy for a short period of time before I remembered again. As time goes by gradually the happy patches get longer.

You will probably feel guilty when you realize you've been happy even for a short time. THis is totally normal. Just roll with it and know that eventually the pain will lessen. I can't pretend it goes away entirely, but it gradually gets much more bearable. In the meantime, give yourself permission to feel unbearably depressed. Feeling unbearably depressed is part of the healing process. The suckiest part of the healing process, as far as I'm concerned.

And don't let anybody put you on a grief timeline. Sometimes other people will be impatient because you're not feeling better according to the schedule they've set. Pay no attention to the assholes.

Also, if at all possible, find a professional or a volunteer you can talk to. Your employment may cover some counselling sessions. And some charities may offer counselling on a sliding scale based on ability to pay. And there are telephone helplines. You don't need to be suicidal to phone a helpline. The right counsellor won't necessarily make you feel better. But they'll give you another person to talk to about your heartbreak. You'll probably find yourself leaning pretty heavily on close friends and loved ones in the months to come (which is totally normal), and it's good to be able to give them a little break while you talk to a third party.

Strokethefurrywall Fri 18-Oct-13 02:38:37

I lost my darling younger brother last year after his relatively short battle with cancer.

We were all with him when he passed and after watching him suffer through his chemo and all the pain, it was truly a relief to know he was no longer having to suffer so horrendously. But the pain was almost palpable, a ball of pain that just followed us around.

I cried every day for months, at times I didn't even sob, my body just leaked tears and I wouldn't even realise. But what I found the most amazing was just how much all the messages of support helped us - I was so truly touched by the facebook messages, phone calls, flowers and overwhelming support that came from so many people. It was amazingly heart warming and I did feel stronger as the days went by. The tears stopped coming every day - soon it was every 2 days, every week, now it's when I hear music that we both loved, that he played (he was a musician). But even though I sometimes find it hard, I force myself to listen and remember him. Because pretty soon I won't remember him with a stab of pain in my heart, I'll remember him with joy and love first.

I never realised how his death would change me as a person. I hope it has changed me for the better. I'm more emphatic, more caring and all too aware that life is too short.

I remember when he died just being totally desperate to get through the grief. I wanted a timeline. I wanted to know when the awful gut wrenching pain would end. And I can say is that it does ease, and the gut wrenching grief does lessen.

I'm so truly sorry for your loss - I, and most everyone on this thread, know all too well your utter pain and helplessness and wish there was something we could do to ease that pain. Please know that we're all sending our love and healing thoughts to you and your family.

flowers xx

Sharpkat Fri 18-Oct-13 04:53:54

This has just made me cry. 6 years since my daddy died and I never forget it. We had not spoken for two years before.

Be yourself. Cry, eat, sleep when you can.

It does get easier but give yourself time. I was 27 at the time

bragmatic Fri 18-Oct-13 06:48:28

Yes, life will go back to normal. Particular 'milestones' (for me, the day my kids started school, first ballet concerts, etc) will make you tear up and sometimes you'll have to walk away from the throng and have a little weep. After a couple of years, you'll still well up, but you'll smile when you think how much their grandparent would have loved to see them run out on the soccer pitch, win their first swimming race, or get a maths award. So it's a happy/sad, bittersweet thing. Bearable.

Sorry for your loss. x

bragmatic Fri 18-Oct-13 06:54:53

Oh, and on the really bad days? Just wallow in the grief, let it surround you and fill you. It sounds odd but for me, it sort of honours mum, in a funny sort of way. She was brilliant, and why should I not (from time to time) feel bereft? She would have wanted me to be happy, and I am. But bad days can be therapeutic.

kerala Fri 18-Oct-13 07:01:22

My lovely friend lost her father and I will never forget the first time I saw her afterwards she looked sort of hollowed out and like a different person. Just really affected me the enormity of the loss showing on her face. Am so sorry for you. My friend is back to her jolly self now and often mentions her father in a happy way.

cfc Fri 18-Oct-13 07:13:10

This is a powerful thread.

I can't add much but one more post saying that life goes on whether you like it or not and you will be taken along with the tide until you're able to swim again.

My dad died in 2000 when I was 20 and my sister was 16. I am upset and angry, these days, that I didn't get to know him as an equal (adult). Or rather that he didn't get to know me as an equal. And my family.

My heart goes out to you OP. I am so sorry for your pain.

ladymariner Fri 18-Oct-13 07:26:09

So sorry for you. I lost my darling Dad a month ago and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. You do get through things but you have to give yourself time. I think it's really hit me now, tbh, we have had a terrible year as he got more and mor confused, and his health began to deteriorate but then he went in to hospital, and never came out.
We are all absolutely devastated. We tried to give him the best send off we could, and we were really busy organising that but then it's over and there is this huge Dad shaped gap in our lives.
I'm back at work, and things outwardly are carrying on as before but I have this ache, like a knot, in my stomach that is there all the time. We've had birthdays and they were hard, it was the first time I've had a card signed just from my Mum, that reduced me to floods. I was absolutely fine last night then sat in the bath and cried my eyes out, it just came over me in a wave and that was that.
I miss my Dad so much, he was my hero and I love him so very much, that will never change.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that your love for him doesn't alter, but you have to give yourself time to grieve, to think about him, to let your feelings out as you need to. Allow people in to help, we were overwhelmed by the support and love shown us by friends and family, and people do mean it, they do want to help. Also I spent a lot of time looking at old photos, I still do, because it helps me think of my Dad as he was before that wicked cruel illness got hold of him, and they are the memories that are most strong in my mind now.
Sending you love and best wishes xxxx

itsaruddygame Fri 18-Oct-13 07:50:09

My DHs dad died just over a week ago. His mum died 3 years ago so now he has no parents left. We just had a baby and as his family were overseas his dad didn't get to meet DS before he died. DH is so sad - it is awful to see in yet I feel quite powerless as nothing I say can make it hurt any less. His sister also gave up work to care for his dad ... we are hoping she may come and stay for a break and I hope this would be good for both of them.

I am sorry for your loss dolly and for all those on this thread that are coming to terms with losing parents.

kali110 Fri 18-Oct-13 08:16:34

Spikey i was 22, i feel like at my age (now 27) i should be anle to cope, but guess it doesnt matter your age it isnt easier.
Anytime something goes wrong think my dad should be here. Feel like a child again.

madmomma Fri 18-Oct-13 08:26:42

It's 20 months since my Dad died and we were incredibly close. The heartbreak you feel now will give way to loving memories and appreciation. You will always miss him, but the pain goes and you do get to feel normal again. Now I just try to honour my Dad as much as I can in my everyday life. Little acts of kindness, little donations to his favourite charities. And cherishing my family the way he would want me to. It just takes time and a lot of tears to get through it. Sending you love.xx

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum just over 3 years ago now....you will get some normality back in time but it will just be a different normal. You never get over losing them but in time you remember them with a smile than a tear.

My DH lost his dad 9 years ago, his mum 2 years ago and his bro 6 months ago - he is finding it all very difficult to cope with and I pray for us as a family he finds himself back on track soon.

Hugs to you, make sure you talk loads and get lots of support. The bereavement board is lovely so maybe when you feel up to it make your way over there x

PicnicPie Fri 18-Oct-13 08:39:50

My dad passed away 5 years ago. He was taken suddenly after being hit by a car whilst on a charity bike ride. It still stings today when I think about the phone call telling me he had died. Seeing my mum's face. Seeing my sibling's. It is the hardest and worst thing I have ever had to deal with.

It will never be easy. Every birthday, every family dinner there is and always will be a void. My dads dream was to become a grandad and last year when I had my DD it was one of the most bittersweet moments in my life.

But OP with time comes strenght. I have cried randomly over these last five years. And the best advice I can give you is to let it out. Don't keep it bottled in. I have a strong support network and can openly talk about my feelings. But my sister is a closed book. I told her to get counselling via her GP. She started it 12 months after my dad died and she said it was the best thing ever.

OP try to take comfort in all the good memories you have of your dear father. I hope you have lots of RL support.

Sending love to all those on this post that have lost a parent.

Picnic that sounds horrendous, sorry for your loss too. DH's bro was sudden death (suicide) and it certainly knocks you for six, at least with my mum and his parents we were sort of expecting it.

Hope you are ok too x

PicnicPie Fri 18-Oct-13 08:51:35

Betty thank you. It was horrendous. You just think, it can't be...things like this happen on tv (so cliche). But it's true. It was so sad to not even get to say good bye. Just to see him laying there peacefully like he was going to wake up.

Although sometimes I wonder if it was easier, rather than seeing him suffer through an illness. It's hard. Either way a loss is a loss and it still brings a lot of pain.

Your poor DH. I hope he find the strength to pull through and get back on track soon. thanks.

kali110 Fri 18-Oct-13 08:52:34

My dad was in hospital for an accident, found out he had cancer and dead within the month.
I sdidnt deal with it i just went oit and partied. I still carry the guilt of all the things i never said. Has anyone had any grieve councillling?im wondering if its too late now.

weechops Fri 18-Oct-13 09:34:35

I'm so so sorry for your loss. My dad died last week and my mum died 12 years ago.

The grief does lessen over time, how long is different for everyone. I'm still crying every day over my dad and feel really raw.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and my baby boy is due on dads birthday. So I'm sure that date will be wonderful and awful at the same time.

Someone asked about grief counselling - it's never too late. I went to Cruse about a year after my mum died with feelings of guilt I couldn't talk about, and it really helped.

I hope you have lots of support and love round you x

Bunraku Fri 18-Oct-13 10:34:03

So sorry to hear about your dad thanks my mum died suddenly 3 years ago. I was 21 and I was pregnant. The pain was so terrible I honestly thought I would die too.

It never gets 'normal' but it gets better and after time you will be able to remember good and happy memories. I always talk about my mum to my baby just so he knows who she was and I keep lots of pictures of her on the walls.

It's always good to gather memories and stories from people that knew your dad. Or visit a place where you feel close to him. These can be morsels of comfort. Surround yourself with good friends and family and you can help one another whenever someone's strength is waning.

Nancy66 Fri 18-Oct-13 10:42:40

Sorry Dolly.

my dad died quite a while ago. I was much closer to him than my mum and felt totally bereft at the loss.

today, I think about him every day and it makes me smile. I've got lots of pics of him around the house, I have his favourite songs in my iPod and I'm just so glad he was my dad.

you will get there but there's no rush xx

kali110 Fri 18-Oct-13 10:47:54

Weechops that was me. Its been 5 years, do u still think it would help? Sorry for questions, i dont like asking my family incase it upsets them.

WhoremoaneeGrainger Fri 18-Oct-13 10:55:53

My wonderful Dad passed away 6 years ago. I still miss him. I always will. His passing has left a massive hole in our lives. My DH's parents both passed away before DD was born, and she just adored my Dad. She struggled massively with losing him. That didnt help my own grieving process. As the oldest child I felt had to be the strong one for everybody else, but I couldnt talk to anyone else about how I felt. DH was terribly ill at the time, and my darling grandma died the following week, so I felt I couldnt even talk to my aunts and uncle.

Please please remember to talk about how you feel to someone.

Its okay to be sad, or happy, to cry and to smile. Memories are wonderful things to treasure.

It does get easier to remember your loved one without continual tears, i promise. The numbness does pass. You even remember its okay to laugh about them in the end.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs. xx

FriendlyLadybird Fri 18-Oct-13 11:04:35

I'm so sorry. My wonderful father died eight years ago, after a long, progressive illness. We knew it was coming at some point but it didn't lessen the shock and pain when it finally did.
It does get better with time. I still think about him every day, but without the grief. Talking about him and looking at photographs helped.

weechops Fri 18-Oct-13 11:57:58

Kali it would definitely help. I couldn't have told anyone else what I told the counsellor. They go at your pace and are mainly there to listen. Unload on them because they won't judge and you will feel a sense of relief. Pm me if you'd like.

kali110 Fri 18-Oct-13 16:09:00

Thankyou weechops, hard to talk to family with out uppsetting them. Had some ex friends being nasty about the drama of it all. Still quite new to this site, dont know hw to use it but its nice that people come together and help one and other.

LilRedWG Fri 18-Oct-13 16:16:32

So sorry Dolly. sad

Do you have any children? My DD helped me get through the immediate aftermath, just by being a toddler.

awaynboilyurheid Fri 18-Oct-13 16:28:33

So sorry Dolly, It is the most horrendous thing to go through , my daughter has said she thinks I had post traumatic stress disorder after my beloved dad passed away as I really was not right for a long time counselling helped but it is just always with you and 4 years on it I can say I still get upset at times so I am not giving you much in the way of positive answers but now I can talk about him and look at all the lovely photos of him and smile at all the good memories , just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve hugsxx

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