To expect when my dh has said he has been doing housework all that day that includes, making beds, hovering, polishing, fuming!!!

(189 Posts)
Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 16:46:05

I now work full-time and I am really struggling with work and running a home I feel like I do everything. Dh does most of the ironing, DIY occasionally tea and dishes sometimes pack lunches I do every thing else plus the above maybe not so much ironing but I will if needed.
Anyway kids have been home with dh today because of the strike. I come home from work and ask what they have been doing thinking dh may have taken them out and he said he bathed the kids, did all the housework and baking and washing three loads apparently( the basket was half empty yesterday so I doubt it unless he's emptied his work bag today instead of 2moro. Baking was 8 plain buns :-/ so hardly an afternoon.
Oh and he went to the shop I wrote a list of 8 items. I've come home and the house hasn't been polished or hoovered the beds haven't even been made, the bathroom is a mess and I am failing to see what house work he has actually done. I am livid because he could of made the beds at least and took the children out but no the kids look bored, my house looks exactly the same as I left it. Tbh it's tipped me over the edge I've had enough.
Yesterday he had an orange, peeled it and left the peel on the table. I left if for 2 days and no one put it in the bin only my mum did when she came around. I am sick to death of picking up after him to the point even these tiny tedious things irritate me. But apparently I am nagging, I am stressed and tired and irritated by his thoughtlessness. His excuses are I forgot, i I was going to do it, I didn't see it or il do it later but never actually does. Honestly I've been sat for the last hour in tears thinking I want him to leave. I cannot bear to be in the same room any more I do admit it's my time of the month if I seem extreme but it's all building up.

hettienne Thu 17-Oct-13 16:48:53

Are your standards quite high? I've never polished anything in my life. Hoovering should be done as part of standard housework though.

Some housework
Went to the shop
Looked after kids

That sounds like a fairly productive day to me?

VivaLeThrustBadger Thu 17-Oct-13 16:51:07

I've never polished anything in my life either. Making a bed consists of throwing the duvet back. I only dust about twice a year.

I'd have a fit if dh told me off for not doing it.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 16:52:00

Wifework is a book that will not only explain why it's perfectly rational for you to feel like this, but will also help you explain it your DH in a way that means he either shapes up or exposes his true colours.

5Foot5 Thu 17-Oct-13 16:53:22

I do sort of know where you are coming from because sometimes I get frustrated that there are jobs that seem obvious to me but DH won't notice them.

However, I think at least part of the problem may be that you have different expectations as to what needs doing.

I certainly don't expect the house to get polished and hoovered every day and the bathrooms get cleaned once a week. Oh and bed-making? Don't actually do much of that anyway just straighten the duvet.

FlapJackOLantern Thu 17-Oct-13 16:54:49

Can't remember the last time I polished. Hoovered about a week ago.

He's obviously got different standards to you.

And YABU to 'could of' anything when it should be 'could have' grin

(Maybe ^^ will take your mind off things?)

Mintyy Thu 17-Oct-13 16:54:53

How old are your children? It sounds as though he was quite busy. From your op your expectations seem unrealistic to me, sorry.

Have you any idea how soul destroying it is to be a sahp and be expected to do all the menial tasks as well? It is really boring and even if you aren't busy all day, the thought that the only thing you should be doing is housework is utterly demoralising.

ilovesooty Thu 17-Oct-13 16:56:23

Well of course if the OP were male she'dbe told that childcare is work and she should be pitching in as soon as sshe gets home from work.

Seriously it doesn't sound as though he's been doing nothing all day.

Sirzy Thu 17-Oct-13 16:56:29

Sounds like he had a pretty busy day really!

tinkertitonk Thu 17-Oct-13 16:56:32

OP, step back, re-read what you've written and wonder whether an unmade bed really matters.

getoffthecoffeetable Thu 17-Oct-13 16:56:52

I think you're being unreasonable. He hasn't sat on his bum all day, he's done things. Going shopping with kids is always epic and baking with them is brilliant. I think you should give him a break. And just because the kids look bored now doesn't mean they've had a crap day!

dreamingofsun Thu 17-Oct-13 17:00:16

can you get a cleaner? you won't win this argument - or at least in never have and i've worked f/t or nearly for 20 years with kids. i am currently waiting for husband to call engineer to fix radiator which has been leaking onto wooden floor and no doubt making it go rotten. they just think another way to us...thats why batchelor places always look like a tip.

get a cleaner - you can leave them lists of things to do. its like having a fairy coming into your house once a week

TheFabulousIdiot Thu 17-Oct-13 17:01:51

Do you hoover adn polish every day?

ilovesooty Thu 17-Oct-13 17:03:06

they just think another way to us

Don't let your desire to stereotype get in the way of the facts.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 17:04:42

Um yes because I was a stay at home parent for 8 years I know exactly what it's like. I also know what it's like working all day and having to pick kids up, go to the shop and unload, make beds, do breakfast dishes and have tea cooking for when dh comes home. I do more after work then he did all day.
I am not expecting all of these things just something other then washing. He never ever makes the bed or hovers, he never picks up after himself which is my main bug bearers.
Ds must have has a nose bleed in the night his sheets are covered in blood so I've come home from work and have had to make the beds, change sheets and now cook the tea. My children are 9 and 5. The hall way needed hoovering and the beds making, changing that's it and maybe tea cooked would be a nice surprise.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 17:05:03

The trouble with housework is that having differing standards is one thing, but unless a compromise can be found, one person ends up feeling full of resentment. Whether you're the happily untidy who resents being made to feel like you can't put anything down without a dramatic eyeroll, or the put-upon martyr who's made to feel that they are good for nothing more than picking up other people's litter and dirty socks, it breeds lack of respect for each other because it's basically saying: your feelings about this don't matter enough to me for me to make an effort.

We don't know if the OP is a mad house-proud type or just an ordinary person who's fed up of living in a pigsty not of her own making. However, given that her DH thought it was acceptable to leave orange peel lying around indefinitely and it only got moved because her mum put it in the bin, my money is on the fact that the OP's standards are actually perfectly reasonable and her OP is just in the habit of letting others pick up after him.

expatinscotland Thu 17-Oct-13 17:06:26

Polishing? Daily? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

sonlypuppyfat Thu 17-Oct-13 17:06:33

I honestly don't think me see jobs like we do. Mine will tell me he's done loads and I can never see it.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 17:07:42

No I don't Hoover and Polish every day but I do come home from work and do it if needed. I mainly pissed of because I cannot see what he has done the house was relatively tidy yesterday so the fact he didn't make beds change bedding and take the kids out has really pissed me of. My mum had my poorly ds the other day and I came home to a lovely clean house and I could relax. I didn't expect to have to come home and do everything that I normally have to do.

StillSeekingSpike Thu 17-Oct-13 17:08:45

Oh I hate that 'I left that orange peel there on purpose just to see whether you were ever going to pick it up'! angry My ex used to do that to me.

Sammie101 Thu 17-Oct-13 17:09:54

That sounds like more than an afternoon's worth to me! And it also sounds like you have quite high standards when it comes to cleanliness.

However I do understand about the orange peel thing, it doesn't take much to pick it up and put it in the bin! My OH does similar things and it drives me crazy

ilovesooty Thu 17-Oct-13 17:10:11

I know men who are obsessively tidy and their partners much less so.

expatinscotland Thu 17-Oct-13 17:11:19

Why is the solution always, 'Get a cleaner'? In the real world, most people on one income don't have money to pay a cleaner.

I get confused on mumsnet.

When a dad is out all day and comes home after a mum has been looking after children all day, he is expected to start doing housework as sahms priority is childcare not housework.

Here we have a dad who has been at home all day with two primary aged kids, baked, shopped, washed etc, and working mum is ranting that he does not do enough.

Were the children supposed to just entertain themselves on the Wii or xbox while he polished the house?

when it comes to cleaning dh is far better at it than me, what bollocks the "men don't see mess the same as we do", some men don't just like some women don't.

ilovesooty Thu 17-Oct-13 17:12:52

Flibberty you and me both.

comewinewithmoi Thu 17-Oct-13 17:13:30

Oh dear, I think he should ltb.

PhallicGiraffe Thu 17-Oct-13 17:13:48

To be honest, you are being quite unreasonable expecting your husband to hover. I mean, he probably doesn't have wings, or a little helicopter on his head.

fairy1303 Thu 17-Oct-13 17:14:28

i would have a field day if DH had a day like this.
I think it sounds like a reasonably productive day tbh.

washing - tick
baking - double tick
shopping- tick
looking after kids - tick


next time leave a list if there are specific things you want doing.

WorraLiberty Thu 17-Oct-13 17:14:42

Apart from the nose bleed on the bed that obviously needed changing, you seem a little obsessed with bed making?

At 9 and 5 your kids are old enough to straighten out their duvets and pillows.

He sounds as though he's done a fairish bit today and to be honest you're home so early, perhaps he intended to do a bit more later?

ilovesooty Thu 17-Oct-13 17:15:08

She expected him to fume as well as hover.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Thu 17-Oct-13 17:17:03

YAbu. But I do understand because I hate mess and I hate housework.
If I were the sole WOOH parent it would drive me nuts that it wasn't tidy when I got home.if I were a SAHP it would drive me nuts if I were expected to keep a perfect home.
I always get up first in the morning (whole other thread grin) and it pisses me off that DH then gets p without making the bed. It takes so little time there and then but becomes a chore for someone later.
But there's no changing him and he has his good points thlgrin)
Don't fall out over it. It's not worth it.
Some ppl have a great system for everyone helping with small tasks so that housework doesn't become insurmountable. Hopefully one of them will be along in a minute.
wine for you.

Misspixietrix Thu 17-Oct-13 17:17:45

FWIW OP I don't think YABU. I have my Dad staying with me at the minute. Was up the Hospital all day yesterday As DM really poorly. Had to literally drop and run got in late and night and NAFF ALL was done! Furious didnt even cover it in Chez Pixie!

VivaLeThrustBadger Thu 17-Oct-13 17:17:58

In fairness I guess the kids are at school all day.

He probably just doesn#t see the mess. I don't, dh does. I drive him insane.

Misspixietrix Thu 17-Oct-13 17:18:15

Last night not and night sorry.

thebody Thu 17-Oct-13 17:20:12

mmm when I was a sahm with the kids all day and did what your dh has done I wouldn't take kindly to bring criticised by my OH.

you lost me at polishing to be honest. never polished my house. ever.

comewinewithmoi Thu 17-Oct-13 17:20:34

I'm a sahm, if dh came home and had a go at me about housework or child are, I'd ltb. Tbh my dh is not anal is great.

My ex was a SAHD, he thought that meant sitting on the PC all day, i got the kids up and dressed before i left for work, came home and did dinner, bath ect, did all the cleaning at the weekend and all the parents evenings/meetings, he did nothing. At least your husband did something it could have been worse. To be honest my standards are not very high, i don't care about making beds, as long as the dishes are done and the house is hovered once a week im happy. Now you are home sit down and relax, don't do anything else and when you are calm talk to your husband, as to the orange peel honestly i would have just put it in the bin if i was going that way.

WorraLiberty Thu 17-Oct-13 17:20:50

But the OP's DH hasn't done naff all Misspixietrix

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 17:21:02

I have two sons so will never be a mad house proud type of person. But how can someone put their rubbish on the side but not in the bin directly underneath it or decide to put all their dirty laundry in the basket after I've emptied it.
On tues evening I had a meeting at work dh was late initiallycoming home so I had to play referee with the kids, put washing on, do tea, and try and get ready etc. I left shortly after tea about 6ish came home 8.30ish and dh was shouting at ds because he didn't understand his home work, dishes hadn't been finished, sides cluttered and pack lunches not made. Ds should of been in bed he was obviously too tired and was upset when I came in. ds eventually went to bed and dh went and had a bath leaving me to it :-/

Coupon Thu 17-Oct-13 17:22:13

If you'd like specific things to be done by someone who's not used to doing the housework, maybe you could provide a very clear list with bullet points, so that he can tick things off as he goes.

HerrenaHarridan Thu 17-Oct-13 17:24:26

Sorry op but I think yabu.

From what you've said you did not come home to a tip.

I can see why your annoyed that he didn't notice the bloody bed sheets but he's been looking after kids, baking, done washing and not allowed the house to become a disaster.
He doesn't have to take then out if he doesn't want to, that's his call.

If I were you u would sit down with dp and agree between you which jobs are shared jobs and how often they should be done.
As for picking up after him of its that often get a basket to dump it all in

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 17:25:44

Yes but I didn't mean all of the above I meant something I do not polish every day. But I do try to tidy and do the dishes and beds at least. I also put my own rubbish in the bin, my dirty clothes in the basket and generally pick up after myself. If he had done something with the kids then great but hadn't just baking for what an hour. I've taken the kids out lots of times all day and do bugger all house work. Why do I have to work full time and do everything on top and he doesn't??? We both work and should split the chores between up and pick up after selves.

pianodoodle Thu 17-Oct-13 17:26:38

My first impression of reading the OP is that YANBU for quite a few reasons.

I'm just heading out though so will come back later smile

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 17:29:08

Well so much for equality the, he bloody expects me to do all the above :-/

lentilweavinghippy Thu 17-Oct-13 17:29:17

Dahlen - that is exactly the situation in my house. DH does next to nothing unless asked, several times with very specific instructions. Then he'll complain about it & leave some small but annoying part of the task undone (not put the Hoover away, wash up but not bother to wipe the work tops etc). I'm so sick of feeling like a petty, nagging old cow that I mostly just do it myself, quietly seething as he falls asleep in front of the telly (we are in our mid-thirties, btw). A while ago he told me that whoever is bothered by the mess/dirt should tidy/clean it. And the house never gets disgusting enough to bother him so why should he do it? And guess why it never gets that disgusting...?? I've lost so much respect for him that I can't even be bothered to argue about it.

I agree with Flibberty, but I suspect there is more of a history here that is making the OP feel the way she is feeling, rather than it being specific to today.

PrincessChick Thu 17-Oct-13 17:31:45

Sorry but I think you're being U.

I'm also hmm because your DH left an orange peel on a table yesterday and you say it's been there for 2 days . Unless you have a crystal ball or time travelling machine it can only have been there for 1 day. And if your mum tidied it up, it meant she was there today. I'm very confused

Maybe think about 10 things you are grateful for and take a chill pill. Such as, wonderful husband who looks after your children, does baking with them, does some housework etc etc

I would be livid if my DH sulked at me like you have with your DH.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Thu 17-Oct-13 17:32:28

Well, reading your further posts YANBU.
You seem to be doing more than your fair share.

eurochick Thu 17-Oct-13 17:32:37

Yabu. The orange peel would have irritated me but it sounds like he did plenty around the house in the course of the day.

lentilweavinghippy Thu 17-Oct-13 17:32:40

Oh and we had the whole 'I just don't see what needs doing, you need to tell me' thing - I did that even though it's fucking tedious to keep pointing out the obvious - his response was that I'm not his boss, he doesn't appreciate being given tasks! I give up confused

comewinewithmoi Thu 17-Oct-13 17:32:51

Does he expect you to do it op? Really?

lentilweavinghippy Thu 17-Oct-13 17:35:07

I would put money on the OP being less than happy with her sex life too...

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 17:35:43

I don't think you're going to find the support you need on this thread Allthree. I take your point that he hasn't actually done any cleaning type housework but it sounds as though he's actually done a fair bit today given that the DC are off school. I think that's why people are coming across as unsympathetic.

However, I don't think you are at all unreasonable to be pissed off it the usual pattern in your house is you picking up after him and you doing way more than 50% of the housework. If that's the case he's an arse. He shouldn't need lists or guidance. Possession of a vagina doesn't mean you come with an inbuilt knowledge of home management any more than the possession of a penis means you can never understand these wondrous mysteries.

jamaisjedors Thu 17-Oct-13 17:35:53

Yes, why aren't the kids making their own beds? My two do occasionally - mind you, we never make ours, apparantly it's better for them to breathe to avoid too many dust mites.

Do NOT leave your husband with a list of things to do - I would be SO insulted if DH did this.

You sound like the house has to be run the way YOU like it.

Maybe a better plan would be just to mention how nice it is when the beds are made (if you are really that fussed about that?).

Often I have spent the whole day at home with the DS and done lots of "jobs", but by the time DH comes home the house looks the same, if not worse.

TBH it sounds like you have got yourselves into a bad place if you are thinking he is lying about the loads of washing he has done/if he thinks he has to lie about washing.

I get where you are coming from with the orange peel, but honestly, he didn't leave it there to ANNOY you (I am pretty messy and have been accused of this).

TallGiraffe Thu 17-Oct-13 17:38:05

You say the house was tidy yesterday and now it's a it messier. The boys have been at home all day, not at school, so of course it isn't going to look as it did!

I suspect there is mo to this, but based on one day YABU. Everyone's alive and fed at the end of the day, it's a success.

I say this as a SAHM whose DH does sod all housework grin

Did he take a days annual leave to look after the children? Or just day he doesn't normally work. If I had to take a days leave I am not sure I would have spent the day doing chores when I had the opportunity to spend time with my DCs.

So I am not sure you have full grounds for being peeved for today.

However I do feel you need to talk with him about things on a general basis - it is clearly making you unhappy and that needs to be addressed. As others have said - could you afford a cleaner? You could get one fortnightly to dust/hover and change beds and you/DH could take the bathroom/kitchen cleaning (needs doing properly more than fortnightly so why pay) on between you (and top up hoovers). That way is not as £££ and it gets done properly every other week. Less resentment. Everyone happier

KringleCandleLover Thu 17-Oct-13 17:39:24

I have had this battle.. We both work(dh is home at weekends and I work).. Not everyone has the same standards. I too have come home and felt like going batshit crazy (dh will say that I do every weekend) but I think I hold it together! He gets up in the morning and sees to no1 and comes home to a clean house, clean clothes, tea ready, dd bathed and looking angelic. I come home(sometimes) to a shit tip, no made beds, washing still in the machine etc....however, as I age, I feel that being remembered when I'm dead and buried as a cleaning freak and stresshead would be sad. Yes its bloody annoying and makes you want to scream but its not the end of the world. Do what I do. Walk thru the chaos, to the fridge,open wine and pour.. Its amazing how the cobwebs fade away when your vision is blurry xx

TeaJunky Thu 17-Oct-13 17:39:33

Should have, should *have*.

Quietly going crazy inside my head

comewinewithmoi Thu 17-Oct-13 17:39:50

Today I have, supervised/help dd2/3 get ready for school

Dropped said dds at bus

Fed ds

Took ds to toddler group

Went out for lunch with pals, with baby ds in tow

Came home, sat on my bum while baby slept

Picked dds up from school

Made dinner

Fed ds

Took washing of dryer/hung washing

Put washing in

Tried dds new clothes on her

Sat on my bum again, yawn

Will do bits and pieces before I settle down with a bottle glass of wine

I'm knackered and no polishing or hoovering in sight

Preciousbane Thu 17-Oct-13 17:40:07

I never make beds, I leave all the sheets pulled back all day so the beds air. Everyone should stop ironing, I bet only about 20% of your stuff needs ironing. If you both work ft then share chores evenly. Do not focus on today though as he has done stuff. Are you just not happy at all because you are having to work ft and don't want to?

The only think YANBU about is the orange peel that is messy and actual rubbish that needs to go in the bin.

Preciousbane Thu 17-Oct-13 17:41:25

Thing not think, sorry about autocorrect

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 17:42:41

lentil you might want to try reading the book I recommended earlier as well. It's really good at helping you explain yourself in a way that can't be dismissed as nagging and makes the other person sound unreasonable if they don't accept it's not fair of them to make you do more of it.

The trouble with the "you have higher standards than me" argument is that it is nearly always made by people who are getting much more than they receive. I haven't met too many who say that who actually do all their own washing, ironing, cooking and washing up. They normally trot out the higher standards argument as a reason for why they don't have to do the washing/ironing/cooking/washing up this time meaning that they'll happily leave it until the next time when it will be done by someone else instead.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 17:44:04

The orange is one tedious example, I just meant I normally always pick up after him and the children so I deliberately didn't to see if he would put it in the bin because he always says he was. He has done bugger all with kids they have been watching telly and they baked cakes from a packet he has more then likely been on the computer. He hasn't done any housework apart from washing. He's bathed the kids and gone to the shop to get a few things. I am not house proud fgs

WorraLiberty Thu 17-Oct-13 17:49:00

Why does he have to do something with the kids?

They won't self combust if they have to amuse themselves or play together. Anyway, he did some baking with them.

When you were a SAH, did you feel the need to take them out/amuse them every single day OP?

If so, then you not only have higher standards (and yes Dahlen it's not always just a trotted out argument) but you also have some unrealistic ones too imo.

You just don't sound very compatible.

lentilweavinghippy Thu 17-Oct-13 17:50:57

Thanks Dahlen, will do that, although I think it may be too late for us.

I hope it doesn't look like I'm trying to hijack, meant it more as a 'this is where you could end up if you don't nip it in the bud'. Which I realise now isn't very helpful when I have no advice to give!

BarbarianMum Thu 17-Oct-13 17:53:47

<<Why does he have to do something with the kids?>>

Maybe he thinks splitting his time b/w the kids and housework is the best use of his time. I know I do.

AnotherYarnie Thu 17-Oct-13 17:54:39

I'm just going to wade in on the orange and say that is awful and I know exactly what it feels like (that stirring of ancient rage as hour after hour, day after day it sits there and no one seems to notice).

How old are your DCs? Can you use the argument that 1) He needs to set a good example by at least picking up his own rubbish and 2) if you expect the DCs to pick up after themselves he should too?

(I'm sticking purely to the orange peel here - the general housework debate is one of those things I'll sit on the sidelines with for the time being)

BarbarianMum Thu 17-Oct-13 17:55:17

Sorry that was to worra - and not the case anyway judging by OP's last post.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 17:57:51

I'm not saying it is Worra. We all know people who are jumping up to plump the cushions when you go for a wee, or snatching the coffee cup off you to rinse out before the cup's even gone cold. They're just as much a PITA as people who are happy to live in a pigsty and let others wait on them hand and foot.

But I think the number of households where one person is doing more than their fair share is far higher in number than the number of households where one person is an OCD type.

ithaka Thu 17-Oct-13 18:00:25

The orange peel thing is vile. My mum recounts how my dad once left a half drunk cup of tea to see how long it took her to notice and tidy up. I am not saying that justifies her affair and leaving him but, you know, fault on both sides.

If my DH left something for me as a test...well, he wouldn't, because we love each other. You don't even seem to like your husband.

Hang on.

He left blood covered sheets on the bed, even though he supposedly did three loads of washing, he's been home all day while you've been working and you've come in to make tea, he left an orange peel (attracting flies?) for two days?

That's disgusting!

Whatever about the hoovering and polishing, the above is not on!

I agree that the children can amuse themselves for a while at least. I also think the nine year old at the very least should be making the bed but seriously, what's with all the excuses for him?

If DH left blood covered sheets on the bed I'd be rightly pissed off too!

Chocolateteabag Thu 17-Oct-13 18:02:36

I second KringleCandle - this isn't going to be something you can change in your DH. So either try to lower your expectations or get a cleaner (and make him pay)

Seriously - yes it's expense you could do without - but will be so much better for your stress levels and alot cheaper than divorce

comewinewithmoi Thu 17-Oct-13 18:03:58

The orange peel thing is vile. My mum recounts how my dad once left a half drunk cup of tea to see how long it took her to notice and tidy up. I am not saying that justifies her affair and leaving him but, you know, fault on both sides.

Oh ok then hmm

WitchOfEndor Thu 17-Oct-13 18:06:14

I work part time but I'm home today with DS. I've put three washes on, a load in the dishwasher, made cakes and face painted. I've sorted out the stuff on the dining room table and taken books/clothes upstairs. The house is still messy though and the beds aren't made. If DH came in and was annoyed that I hadn't polished or made the beds I would tell him to fuck off.

littlewhitebag Thu 17-Oct-13 18:07:26

Hey OP, I'm with you. He should have done more. At least make the beds, tidy up and maybe run the Hoover over. I outsource dusting/polishing to the children. Drives me mad that my DH never notices what needs done.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Thu 17-Oct-13 18:07:42

Waltermitty. He might not have known the blood was there. That's happened to me before. If the duvet is pulled up you can't necessarily see it.

I'm wondering if the op is a time traveller what with yesterday being one day ago and all.

I have days where it feels like I am really busy and yet nothing looks done and other days where I feel like I have slacked slightly yet it looks like I've done more. Perhaps it was a former day

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 18:12:28

I think focusing on individual jobs - whether it's polishing, vacuuming or changing the bloody bed sheets - is kind of missing the point. Each isolated incident is too easy to rationalise. It's the overall pattern of behaviour that counts.

Based on the OP's account of today, I don't really see that the OP's DH has done much wrong, for example. However, 'orangegate', the OP's other examples and the fact that she's clearly just had enough, suggest a very different picture overall.

IShallCallYouSquishy Thu 17-Oct-13 18:17:01

I'm at home with my DD on my own 4 out of 5 weekdays. I then work one day and one night a week.

I actually don't think it's unreasonable to expect beds to be made, bathroom at least tidy, kitchen tidy and hoovered and meals made from scratch (95% of the time from scratch anyway!) and we go out everyday. Ok, she's only a toddler but its still the bare minimum I would do everyday. Just like my DH wouldn't expect me to come home to dishes etc when I've worked a night shift.

Your OP suggests kids are school age so why couldn't he have done these things while they played?

Maybe I'm a bit of a traditionalist so see these things as the sahp/pt working role so prepared to be flamed a bit!

Howsuper Thu 17-Oct-13 18:17:08

OP, I think the three things you've identified are the reason you've lost a lot of people here - polishing, hoovering and bed making are just not necessary in order for a house to be reasonably tidy and together.

My kids never make their beds or tidy rooms during the week - so we shut their doors! They tidy them on weekends.

Polishing? Once a month. Who sees dust?

Hoovering maybe once a week or if carpets look particularly hairy.

I agree he should have made an effort to have a tidy-ish house, have done one activity with the kids and got the wash on as that always needs doing - sounds like he pretty much did?

(though not taking bloodied sheets off is a whole different matter)

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 18:17:58

Maybe my expectations were high because when I asked what have you and the kids been doing today he said ' all of the house work'.

The reason I am so anal is because now I work full time certain things have to be done iywim or else it builds up. I've only been working full time for the last 8 myths and I am doing a course on top I am knackered. I have to be organised and keep on top of things to the point of being obsessive with certain things like beds, dishes and just a tidy living room so I can relax iywim.

When I was a sahm I could chill about the house because I knew I could do it any time and mostly I spent time with the kids etc. I have been so stressed with working full time, doing a course, being a mum and running a house I just expected dh to help out and maybe make an effort.

I try and Hoover and Polish on a Sunday am and just general tidy up in the week so it doesn't get too much. My mil comes around then too and she he house proud so that's pressure on me :-/ as she has always been a sahm so wouldn't understand and would expect me to do it all not dh.

I do washing every day after work because dh's work clothes and he moans if he hasn't got any. I make the pack lunches most evenings, cook tea and do a monthly shop in the evening. I also end up doing the children's home work because dh shouts at my eldest because he doesn't understand things. Coming home Tuesday from a meeting in the evening to find dh shouting at ds because he doesn't understand doesn't make me feel good as if makes me feel like I should be doing as I have more patience.

It's just all too much for me and all I want is a bit of help.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Thu 17-Oct-13 18:19:16

Its sounds to me like he did a normal amount of stuff. He took the kids out to the shop, baked with them, gave them a bath, did washing and did some housework. It probably looks like he didn't do much housework because the kids have been home and making mess as he's tidying up. Been there, done that! At the end of the day it looks like you've done nothing.

You say you think he's lying about the washing, but isn't it hanging up?

How long was the orange there for because what you've said doesn't make sense. Two days since yesterday?

No one is perfect. My dh leaves his washing on the floor instead of putting it in the basket. I am rubbish at tidying, or rather i hate it so avoid it. I clean more but dh declutters more. He walks past things that need taking to another room like he doesn't see them, i took forever after we moved in together to actually start cleaning to toilet after i had been blush It occurred to me eventually. My dh doesn't make the beds and it never occurs to him to check the childrens book bags or wash the pet bowls.

What is priority for one of us isn't the other. Some of the stuff i do is because i am in the routine of doing those things.

He isn't you. He doesn't think like you and he clearly has lower standards.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 18:21:48

Honestly, read the book. The problem here is not your expectations but the fact that you are doing more than your fair share. A DH who moans at you if you haven't got his work clothes ready? Not on. He's a grown man who should be capable of doing his own, especially now you are working full time and studying on top.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Thu 17-Oct-13 18:25:19

Every other day just tell him to do the packed lunches/do the shop/the washing. You don't have to do those things. Now that you are back at work you should equal amount of jobs to do it the evenings.

Bettercallsaul1 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:26:22

The years when you are bringing up young children can be very stressful - add two full-time jobs to the mix and there is very little time left to relax/pursue individual hobbies and interests etc. If a completely clean and tidy home is also considered essential, that can just be a burden too far for all of you.

It is only after you''ve left these years behind that you know how difficult they were from the contrast! You are In the most demanding stage of your life at the moment. Think about your real priorities - how do you want to remember these years and what is the most important thing for you and your children? Better a more relaxed household - albeit with more mess - with time to talk to each other and positive time spent with your children than a tidy environment with unhappy occupants.

Thank you for noticing the timing on the orange peel
It was bugging me.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Oct-13 18:28:19

A bit of nose bleed on bedding isn't 'disgusting' and a bit of peel won't attract flies. Honestly the histrionics on here sometimes is hilariousgrin

OP I'm Sahm and Dh always said if he came home and neither ds or I were in tears then it was a good day in Valium Towers. He says the same now ds is nearly a teen tbhhmm grin

Dh never makes the bed either he sees it as a waste of time and when he does do it he does it wrong so I've given up asking him now, it really isn't a big deal imo in the brand scheme of things.

Calloh Thu 17-Oct-13 18:29:48

I think YANBU.

I am a SAHM and wouldn't be at all pleased to have DH question why I was unable to dust today.

However I would also feel really guilty if DH came home from work, had to clean, sort out supper and was so disgusted by the house that he hoovered when I had been at home all day unless it was a rare day off, pre-arranged or I was ill. I would also probably keel over in shock

I'm not good at keeping house but it's the leisure time thing. And ensuring that you work as a team to both get as equal amount of time of it as possible. I think you probably need to sort out some sort of time-table or something that you are both happy with.

With regard to the orange - of course it's not great to test your partner but when you are constantly clearing up after someone else it is tempting to think fuck this and then be astonished as they just don't do it themselves. Of course it's not personal but it can feel it, it can feel like only you are the person in the household who is considered lowly enough to perform such basic tasks. And that stings.

I second Dahlen. The issue is not what your DH did or didn't do, the issue is that he expects you to do things that he doesn't expect from himself. So, he can leave orange peel lying around but you have to get his work clothes ready. Not OK.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 18:30:28

Have you read the OP's Thu 17-Oct-13 18:17:58 post?

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 18:30:55

X post - that wasn't to MrsTP.

Mintyy Thu 17-Oct-13 18:32:09

Oh its one of those tedious drip feeding threads again.

<clicks hide>

<shakes fist at Dahlen> grin

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 18:34:41

I am just sat here in tears because it's all getting on top of me it's ok saying relax but with two boys the house easily gets in a mess I don't want to live like a slob I just want it to be ok.
I've learnt to deal with some mess but I guess the beds, dishes and tidy living room are my main things especially of an evening when I want to relax so I need one tidy room and a nice bed for me to fall into. I want dh to be patient with the children and not shout constantly and to take help out a bit more. I really wanted to come home today and just relax and not have to do the dishes, change bedding and cook tea.

Shamoy Thu 17-Oct-13 18:35:09

I can see why you are annoyed. You thought he'd make the most of the day off with the kids and do domething nice with them. When you got home he said he hasn't taken them anywhere all day as he's been too busy 'doing housework all day' setting up the expectation that you'd not have to do it yourself tonight. Lovely.
Only you then realise he's done nothing except a load of washing and then sat on his bum the rest of the day leaving you to clean up the mess he and the kids have made and make them all dinner as he hasbt even done that.

Calloh Thu 17-Oct-13 18:38:35

Oh I wa slow typing and missed your most recent post. I bet you also feel under a lot of pressure to juggle all these things and not let anything drop. It can feel so much. I think you need to delegate on things that maybe have less issues on standards.

I think Just had a good idea about letting him do packed lunches. One of you responsible for laundry, the other the washing up or something. Delegate then let it go, if he forgets or it goes wrong in some way then let him sort it out. It is eroding for the other person to be managed and deeply unsexy for the manager to feel that they are the parent of someone as opposed to the partner. It muat be an unbelievable pressure for you at the moment and you must let him take some of the pressure for both your sakes.

A bit of nose bleed on bedding isn't 'disgusting' and a bit of peel won't attract flies

Yes it is, if you've been there all day and had ample opportunity to just fucking wash them!

Yes it will, if left two days.

Calloh Thu 17-Oct-13 18:40:15

Could he manage the school communications? Somehow remembering all that stuff can feel a load.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 18:43:02

Oh please I've been a sahm and now a working mother neither is a rosy life. I've also been the weekend sahm/wife for years which surprisingly was easier as it was one less adult to cook, clean and look after. Obviously I shall work and do all household chores but of course dh had to spend a day at home with his kids so bravo a man doing house work too. As for the orange it's behaviour repeated he constantly leaves his crap lying around and I have to pick it up, bin it or what ever. Yet if the children did the same he would be the first to shout and scream. Funny that :-/ . He has high expectations himself when it's comes to his children and fails to apply himself.

ICameOnTheJitney Thu 17-Oct-13 18:45:51

Well his standards are not the same as yours. I rarely make beds...I do it while the kids are in the bath! Polishing? Nah....once a month.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Thu 17-Oct-13 18:45:53

Op didn't notice the blood in the bed before work so its reasonable to assume her dh wouldn't see it either.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 18:46:05


If DH had been at home for eight hours and said he had entertained the children and done loads of housework then I would expect either that he had entertained the DC or that he had done some housework. But OP's DH doesn't appear to have done either.

FWIW I have weeks days where not a lot gets done, but at the very least there would be some food made and a dishwasher loaded, rubbish in an actual bin hmm , etc. And if I claimed to have done lots of housework you'd also be able to see the living room floor and the dining table and all the kitchen surfaces and the bottom of the laundry basket.

So yes, I can see what the OP is annoyed about. Not so much the lack of housework per se, but the lack of housework given that he claimed to have done lots.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 18:50:18

OP - you keep referring to having two boys. Boys are no messier than girls unless you let them be. They're becoming that way because they are witnessing that domestic stuff is done by women. Do you want their future DP/DWs to feel like you do now?

A family is a team and children should pull their weight in it as well, although obviously at a lesser level. It doesn't have to be the case that every job is split 50/50. It's fine for one person to do all the laundry while the other person does all the cooking, for example, but the amount done should be equal and every person should have the same amount of time free to just relax. At the moment, you haven't got any and it's not on.

I'm not surprised you're crabby and tired. You're exhausted and feeling taken for granted. And why wouldn't you be? I don't do half as much as you and I'm a single parent. That's because I don't have a man child to pick up after.

lborolass Thu 17-Oct-13 18:50:45

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all.

The things she said her DH did amounts to about 1 hour max imo. Why does a 9 year old need to be bathed?, putting on the washing machine even 3 times is no more that 30 mins (it's not like he has to stand and watch it) and making some buns about 20 mins (again you don't need to watch them cook). Sounds to me like he had a pretty lazy day and I'd be annoyed too if I'd been at work in the same situation.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 18:50:49

I thought I just had normal standards Hoover and Polish weekly if lucky, beds and dishes daily and then fabreeze all else. If he had made the bed he would of noticed the blood wink

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 18:52:59

I take it all back. YAB completely U for using febreeze wink

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 18:54:41

Well I wouldn't know between boys and girls only what I hear from friends so depends on the child I suppose but with youngish children you do have to keep on top of it. My mil comes around once a week and she is a domestic goddess and would slag me off to the core if my house was an utter tip maybe that's why dh is so relaxed about it.

Obviously I shall work and do all household chores Get down off the cross, someone needs the wood. I mean that with care and support. You are obviously stressed and miserable. Sort out a chore rota, get the children involved and delegate. Give the obvious, time limited jobs to the kids and DH (packed lunches for DH, beds made for the kids) and have consequences if not done.

Just throw everything left by the kids and DH (be it rubbish or valuables) in a big bag and let them root through it for their stuff.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 18:55:28

Well there's your problem - why wouldn't she slag off her son for not doing it?

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 18:55:46

Sorry I was anti fabreeze but very handy for in expected visitors hmm

I find not giving a shit about anyone's opinion of me as a 'housewife' <shudders> really helps. grin

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 18:59:33

I was being sarcastic I just want a bloody bit of help from dh and more importantly for him to clean up his crap like rubbish, laundry and his friggin orange peel!!! I not say I was going to do it but never does. Geeze when I was a sahm he used say what have you done today, and tut and bang around in a mood and I had young children at home every day.

Terry grin

I have a deal with my friends. We won't apologise for the state of our house and we are to take them as they come. We are all different and manage different lives and do things at different times. Who gives a shiny really. No point running yourself into the ground. You won't look back and ever think, I should have done more housework.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 19:02:59

Yeah anyone else but the mil she used to get up at 5am every morning to clean the skirting boards apparently and she hovers and polishes every day smile

Honestly, he sounds like a twunt.

Things I think might help you:

Stop talking about it like it's your job that they all 'help' with.
Don't give a shit about your MIL's opinion.
Rota with consequences. Let them decide for themselves what those are.
Read Wifework. Really do.
Understand that there are different ideas about housework. I don't make beds. DH does. He cares, I don't. If I haven't got to the laundry, he does some. We both care about that.
Don't do anything for DH if he doesn't fulfill his side of the rota, no meals he likes, no washing, nothing. You have time to clear up after him OR time to do his laundry. Not both.

Then pity your mil and don't try and emulate her

Agree with everything Terry has posted.
Sit him down. Write it all down and ask him/show him

He sounds like a prick tbh.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 19:20:09

Ok thank you I will have a look. It's been a bloody hard week at work I've been up with ds for the last few nights so I am tired and hormonal, and everything just builds up. I know my job is a big, big factor too especially working full time but dh doesn't help our priorities are different in a sense. It's hard trying to be good at my job, wife and mum.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Oct-13 19:33:24

Walter-so where do you put your oranges if not in a fruit bowl out on the side?

ThisIsMeToo Thu 17-Oct-13 19:42:48

What is happening atm with all these threads on here re housework and men who don't give a shit?

All rest assured that your standards aren't too high and you can indeed ask your DH to pull his weight.
There seem to be two standards for men and women. SAHM are supposed to entertain the dcs, with educative things, have a spotless house, do all the housework so that their DH has nothing to do as he is so tired from work. Also have a meal ready for when he comes back home.
Men at home with the dcs and you should praise them because they have being fed and haven't destroyed the place hmm.

I think you gave a massive issue atm because your DH us used to you doing all the housework and him not taking any responsibility. You are back at work, still trying to do both work and all the HW and it isn't working, hence you are exhausted and frustrated.
You might need several tactics there. Maybe draw a list together of what needs to be done and babe person responsible. So the person who does thrilling is also doing the shopping but the one who does the ironing is in charge if the washing. Don't forget all the bits for the dcs such as b'dsy parties, after school activities etc...
Refuse to do what he is supposed to be responsible for. If he hasn't gone the washing and the dcs it you gave no clothes, it is up to him to sort out.
And most importantly make it clear that childcare and housework is a shared responsibility. Nit just yours so no 'he us not used to it poor man' type if excuse.

I think they should both get to do thrilling wink
Might make everything seem a bit better

IorekByrnisonsArmour Thu 17-Oct-13 19:51:24

grin @ thrilling

I keep my fruit in the fridge!

Bogeyface Thu 17-Oct-13 20:09:03

Hate threads like this.

There is obviously a massive difference between what he expected from the OP as a SAHP and what he does when he is in that role (if only for the day) and between what she does after a day at work and what he does after a day at work.

Baking? Who the fuck bakes when there are bloodied sheets to be washed? 3 Loads of washing? No fucking way. There are eight of us in this house and I only do 2 a day and the OP said the basket was half empty. So he either lied or "did her a favour" by washing his own work stuff!

But no, if a man so much as looks at a hoover he is fucking hero according to many on here. funny, because I didnt know that the 1950's had the internet hmm

Oh and Still Speaking Spike, perhaps if you have actually put your rubbish in the bin then your ex wouldnt have felt justified in leaving your crap out to see exactly how long you would take to get off your arse and deal with it. No wonder he is your ex.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Oct-13 20:10:36

Walter-you should tell tesco.

Bogeyface Thu 17-Oct-13 20:10:56

So you have been up all nights too?

Does he do his fair share of wakings? Did he do the wakings last night knowing that he would be at home and you would be working?

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 20:32:39

No ds is 5 has been poorly he woke up crying last night and night before so I went to comfort him I am guessing he had a nose bleed then but it was dark so I didn't see and he was crying in his sleep on and off. The night before I went in and slept in his bed to get him to sleep. Dh wouldn't have done that it's just motherly instinct but he knew that I was up with him and that I was a stressing yesterday as had to get childcare short notice so I could go to work. He knows I've been stressed about housework and keeping on top of it because I need to spend time doing my course work and I would like to SPEND time with my children :-( that's another issue.
The thing is I wake up sort the kids sought out myself, take them to school go to work then pick them up, maybe play in park at school then sometimes I go to the shop, come home tidy then cook tea. Sort out things for next day. He gets up goes to work and comes home. His day is longer then mine though in work sense.
I think I was angry because he said 'I've been doing all the housework' and because I've been stressed about it recently and that I felt relieved and thankful. I even thought maybe he's cooked me a nice tea hopeful thinking hey grin .

projectbabyweight Thu 17-Oct-13 20:38:13

"His day is longer then mine though in work sense." Depends what you mean by work, yours sounds twice as long. I feel for you OP, hope your boy sleeps through tonight. thanks

Xmasbaby11 Thu 17-Oct-13 20:39:27

He sounds like he had a go, at least. if he's not used to being the one to do it, you could probably be more specific if you give him a lit, but also prioritise it and don't expect him to do things as well/quickly as you, at least at first.

FWIW, DH is much more particular about cleaning than me and just gets on with it - although we do divide up jobs between us. He automatically washes up after a meal when we have visitors over, and it tickles me that people are very impressed by this and make comments about how well trained he is.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Thu 17-Oct-13 20:44:58

But he fibbed didn't he. Saying he'd been doing housework and playing with the kids. He was just bullshitting. That would be annoying.
Long term, I think you might want to consider imagining that it's not your responsibility to sort everything out. Like someone else said up thread, divvy up the chores and have consequences wink for when things are not done. You can't do it all and you shouldn't have to.
And I agree with bogeyface about the fuckwittery of baking when the house is a tip angry

Seriously, his behaviour in general is completely out of order! Completely!

valium why?! thlconfused

pianodoodle Thu 17-Oct-13 20:48:18

All rest assured that your standards aren't too high and you can indeed ask your DH to pull his weight.
There seem to be two standards for men and women. SAHM are supposed to entertain the dcs, with educative things, have a spotless house, do all the housework so that their DH has nothing to do as he is so tired from work. Also have a meal ready for when he comes back home.
Men at home with the dcs and you should praise them because they have being fed and haven't destroyed the place

Yes indeed.

Your standards don't seem overly high tbh. You've stayed at home and know yourself what it is possible to get done.

I work in evenings and stay at home with DD during the day. I do keep the house to a good standard without the need to do housework "all day"

If he says he has been doing housework "all day" that is bollocks. You know it's bollocks and that's why it's annoying!

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 20:49:20

I gave a list for the shopping just basic not a full shop bread, milk etc. I make beds and do dishes every day he knows that so it shouldn't be rocket science. I'd be shocked if he used the hover and polished to be honest but it would have been nice grin. Three loads of washing yes his bloody work gear he's probably saved in his bag all week or he has put 5 items in each load hmm.

LittleMissWise Thu 17-Oct-13 20:52:22

I totally get where you are coming from. I have a DH who looked after the DC during the holidays when they were small. He was going swimming and asked what he should do with the kit when he got home. I told him to put it in the washing machine. It wasn't on the line when I got back, so asked why. He said "you didn't say to turn the washing machine on!"shock I kid you not!

I too have two boys. They are 16&18 now. I decided they would never be like DH was (he is much, much better). Start a chore chart for your boys now. Your eldest can Hoover, the youngest can dust low down surfaces, thy can both dry up, they can both help with lunches and both be responsible for making their own beds. Even when you change them they can do pillowcases and help put the sheet on.

You shouldn't be picking up after anyone. I would get a basket or something and put it in the hall. Everything they leave lying around (not foodstuff) goes in there, they want it they find it.

You sound knackered, tbh. I think you are a bit like me. I have cried before because the ironing has built up, or the house has got away from me. I've just ordered that book, there's room for improvement here!

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 20:52:44

I would n't have minded if he took the kids out for the day and had fun in a way because I've done that and thought fuck it let's go out sod the housework grin. But I will ensure the house is relatively tidy as soon as I get in before dh is back from work so I've done something or I would say yeah sorry we went out but I'd still do it if he has caught me out.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 20:56:44

Even the children's homework is a chore they receive a crazy amount and ds1 is possibly dyslexic so it takes three times as long which is why I want to do it but at the same time I am adding to my workload iykwim.

comewinewithmoi Thu 17-Oct-13 20:56:58

Sounds like much more to this op.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 21:00:12

How do you mean come wine??

BigPawsBrown Thu 17-Oct-13 21:03:13

He's looking after the children. That's his job.

Housework should then be split evenly between you.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 21:19:12

yes but it isn't.

lborolass Thu 17-Oct-13 21:57:17

I got the impression that the DH was just looking after the children for the strike day not as a sahp.

Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 22:04:47

Well yes but he still can help out he is not a guest in his own house. My mum helps out more around the house when she babysits in fact maybe I should move her in :-/

lborolass Thu 17-Oct-13 22:11:15

I'm agreeing with you OP, neither of you is a sahp so you should share the housework and childcare.

Bogeyface Fri 18-Oct-13 00:26:37

The night before I went in and slept in his bed to get him to sleep. Dh wouldn't have done that it's just motherly instinct but he knew that I was up with him and that I was a stressing yesterday as had to get childcare short notice so I could go to work. He knows I've been stressed about housework and keeping on top of it because I need to spend time doing my course work and I would like to SPEND time with my children :-( that's another issue.
The thing is I wake up sort the kids sought out myself, take them to school go to work then pick them up, maybe play in park at school then sometimes I go to the shop, come home tidy then cook tea. Sort out things for next day. He gets up goes to work and comes home. His day is longer then mine though in work sense.
I think I was angry because he said 'I've been doing all the housework' and because I've been stressed about it recently and that I felt relieved and thankful. I even thought maybe he's cooked me a nice tea hopeful thinking hey

Sooooo.... lets recap.

He didnt help out at all when you had a sick child. That is not "motherly instinct" that is parenting instinct. A good parent would wake up and deal with a sick child, I know because I have been married to both types. He is abdicating his parenting responsibilities because he knows you will pick up the slack.

He knew you were stressing about childcare so YOU could go to work. Why wasnt he stressing? Why is childcare your issue? Why is there the assumption that a sick child means that you stay home? Again, abdication of responsibilities.

Why are you the only one stressing about your course, the house, the children when keeping on top of your studies (to better your earning power?), your shared home and your shared children will benefit you all?

You do the whole job. You drop off, work a full day, pick up, interact, play, shop cook, tidy and clean. He works a full day. Who has more on their mind day in day out. Who remembers the dentist appointments, nativity plays and harvest festivals? Who doesnt bother remembering because someone else will?

And then he made out like he had given you the moon on a stick by doing "your" jobs for you. Which, even if he had, would have been a slap in the face. But given that he didnt but still wanted praise for it is an insult at best and taking the piss at worst.

Howstricks Fri 18-Oct-13 00:41:39

For what its worth, I don't think there are ever any winners in the 'who works hardest' argument. Talk to each other, it doesn't sound like anyone's having any fun and maybe that's whats needed?

Cityofgold Fri 18-Oct-13 00:46:39

If housework issues are causing fights - they certainly do in our house - I think getting specific about what is and, and importantly is not, the responsibility of whoever is doing the SAH shift would be sensible.
And lets face it, we have all had days when the housework has not been done, the kids (singular in my case) have not been taken out and nothing seems to have been done yet somehow the whole day has disappeared. I know I have, I have then got very defensive when pressured for detail of what I actually did all day.
Chill out, talk it over, if it is still a major issue think about a bit of counselling.

Lj8893 Fri 18-Oct-13 01:10:02

Those that say they never do your houses not get crazy dusty?!

I'm not judging btw, just seriously wondering if I'm missing a trick!! grin

Sorry to derail the thread ever so slightly!

EBearhug Fri 18-Oct-13 01:20:47

Why do you care about what your MiL thinks? If her standards were that high, she'd have trained her son to maintain them, too.

Speak to him, about specifics, as Cityofgold says - don't assume he knows what you expect if you've never actually spelled it out. Work out what to prioritise - bloodied sheets should be changed, but otherwise, unmade beds won't kill anyone (and the children can learn to do their own.) Washing up should be done, but the hoovering needn't be daily, and the polishing doesn't have to be so often either.

He can clearly use a washing machine, so tell him he can wash his own work stuff, and if he doesn't, he'll probably learn quickly enough.

I was talking to a friend the other day about whether writing procedures for the house is taking things a bit too far - but I would probably be tempted in this case, until they've all learnt how to think for themselves. Mind you, I'd rather be writing a good procedure than actually doing the work, so it might be better to ignore this idea. smile

EBearhug Fri 18-Oct-13 01:21:55

Those that say they never do your houses not get crazy dusty?!

If you don't move things about, the dust doesn't show so much... Anyway, cleaning is more satisfying when you actually see the results.

Lj8893 Fri 18-Oct-13 01:24:43

I think my house just is a dust attraction. I have to polish every other day (I can just about leave it 3/4 days at a push) because the surfaces get so dusty sad

Bogeyface Fri 18-Oct-13 03:00:35 me polishing is dusting and then using Mr Sheen, but to others it means just dusting.

I dust.


Fuck off! The average man expects to do housework. On the other hand, woe betide the man who says he does more than his fair share, for he will be assumed to be a whinging prick who believes women's place is in the home.

As for the OP, you are working full-time and doing more household chores than he does, unless you have omitted things like the garden, the car, sorting out broken-down appliances, ferrying children, and other home-related things that have to be done. Where I part company from many posters is the idea of provoking a chores war, ie, refusing to do chores unless OH comes to the party, or alternatively the plastic bag treatment. That is a great way to end up with a) a filthy, messy house b) smelly clothes c) daily takeaway and, more importantly d) furious spouses. I have considered doing the same thing myself, but the truth is that it would probably end my marriage, and I don't think that is a good idea for any member of my family, me included.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Fri 18-Oct-13 06:16:38

Toad confused

Sparklysilversequins Fri 18-Oct-13 06:44:34

I am a lone parent who Home Educates one of my children. Both have Autism.

Somehow I manage to do all the general cleaning daily, that involves, hoovering, tidying, polishing - though not all items of furniture just the obvious ones! washing dishes, washing clothes, hanging them out. Caring and cooking for my children, one of whom is at school so with school run to do twice a day. Once a week I mop floors, clean the bathroom, tidy children's rooms, they usually do it themselves but I will do a more in depth one.

I also manage to sit on my arse for hours, reading or MNetting! I think your DH sounds lazy OP.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 18-Oct-13 06:50:15

Although I do agree when kids are tiny, babies and toddler age, all bets are off and ALL "housework" is childcare, caring for small children is a full time job and nothing else should be expected. But OP's kids are 10 and 5.

StillSeekingSpike Fri 18-Oct-13 10:04:37

'Oh and Still Speaking Spike, perhaps if you have actually put your rubbish in the bin then your ex wouldnt have felt justified in leaving your crap out to see exactly how long you would take to get off your arse and deal with it. No wonder he is your ex.'

Since this is also the man who shat his trousers and then left them on the bathroom floor for me to pick up because he 'couldn't work the washing machine', and who wouldn't do the washing up because 'it was the most demeaning thing you could ask a man to do'- I'm not exactly crying my eyes out he's my ex. So wind your neck in with your personal attacks.

Polishing is rubbing with a cloth with polish surely

I get rid of dust by using an adapter on a vacuum

Occasionally I polish as well but I don't believe them to be synonymous

Slightly ot though

TigerBabyyy Fri 18-Oct-13 15:41:41

I think beds should be made every day.

In my house beds are made every day, pillows plumped, bottom sheet straightened, and duvet smoothed down.

For those of you who say you never polish, do you wipe tables, ornaments, window sills etc down ?

If so thats very similar to polishing, just using a damp cloth instead of polish.

Bogeyface Fri 18-Oct-13 18:18:19


I have read it through several times and still cant see where the personal attack is. I simply pointed out that if you had put your rubbish in the bin then it wouldnt have become an issue. And given that I didnt know about your ex's behaviour because you didnt mention it, I fail to see how on earth I should have been expected to use that information in mitigation.

Bonsoir Fri 18-Oct-13 18:22:32

Baking?! Baking isn't housework, it's an entirely non-essential activity.

justmyview Fri 18-Oct-13 20:14:28

Re the orange - how about "Please could you put that orange in the bin, it's bugging me?" Polite but direct

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Fri 18-Oct-13 22:44:04

Baking?! Baking isn't housework, it's an entirely non-essential activity.

Who said it was?

ICameOnTheJitney Fri 18-Oct-13 23:01:46

OP listed baking as a chore-like activity.

pianodoodle Fri 18-Oct-13 23:11:45


Fuck off! The average man expects to do housework. On the other hand, woe betide the man who says he does more than his fair share, for he will be assumed to be a whinging prick who believes women's place is in the home

Oh ffs. Touched a nerve?

FrightRider Fri 18-Oct-13 23:12:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArgyMargy Fri 18-Oct-13 23:37:14

Making beds? Is that a thing?

Allthreerolledintoone Fri 18-Oct-13 23:44:56

Surely most people make the bed and polish thlshock

hettienne Fri 18-Oct-13 23:46:32

Polish what?

I sometimes make the beds, not often though.

EBearhug Fri 18-Oct-13 23:56:48

I make the bed nearly every day (I have occasionally not got round to it at the weekend.)

I also polish, but that probably happens about once a year, with dusting being far more frequent, at at least 3 times a year.

(I live alone. I'm the only person who suffers from me not cleaning as frequently as I would have happen if I wasn't the one doing it.)

FrightRider Fri 18-Oct-13 23:58:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrightRider Sat 19-Oct-13 00:00:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty Sat 19-Oct-13 00:05:59

I don't remember the last time I polished.

BackforGood Sat 19-Oct-13 00:09:46

Surely 'making the bed' nowadays is pulling the duvet straight as you walk past.... maybe a 1 or 2 second "job"
Polish - nope - I never polish - seem to have managed being a home owner for 23 yrs now without ever needing to do that

As for the opening post, if I'd taken a day off to have the dc at home, and done all the OP's dh had done, I'd consider that a fairly balanced amount of work / relaxing tbh. I'd not be very appreciative if my dh then started questioning the amount I'd done when he got in.

valiumredhead Sat 19-Oct-13 00:13:32

Polish ornaments do you mean? I don't have anygrin

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 00:23:48

OP, do you mean polish or do you mean dust?

And no, I never make the bed until I am just about to get back into it! I get up, scoot downstairs with the little one for breakfast, make lunches, school run etc and dont go back into the bedroom until bedtime!

Lj8893 Sat 19-Oct-13 00:34:54

Ahhh, I've always thought polishing/dusting the same thing! My mistake......I just thought polishing was dusting using polish really, and using polish is a individuals choice.

So those that say they never polish, they do dust?

(I use polish purely because I'm obsessed with the smell)

TiredFeet Sat 19-Oct-13 00:40:24

I only make the beds if we have visitors coming. Never polish but I think the cleaner does on her fortnightly visits.

I think you are largely being unreasonable, I would be furious with DH if I had been looking after the children all day and he came home and was annoyed that I hadn't polished!

however, of course if you are working full time and studying you shouldn't be bearing the burden of most of the housework etc. I made this very clear to my DH when I went back to work after maternity leave (and I only work 3.5 days/ week). This is why we have a cleaner and also DH is expected to do housework / cooking too.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 00:43:54

Lj Spray it on the radiator (when the heating is on, obv!) smells lovely but none of the work!

I dust with the hoover. It has a brushy dustery thing on it that works a treat and as we have no fiddly bits and bobs Ican just run it along the shelves. Also, I read that hoovering the dust of the back of the tv, inlets of PCs etc is better than dusting as it actually removes the dust instead of just moving it about.

Lj8893 Sat 19-Oct-13 00:49:09

Ooooo good idea!

MsPickle Sat 19-Oct-13 00:51:05

Is it just me or is anyone else appreciating the detailing of this thread into housework tips?!

OP I have to agree with pp that lack of effective communication seems to be the real problem. You've mentioned that he shouted at you in the past if things weren't up to scratch and that he shouts at ds for his homework that how disputes are worked through? And is that ok with you? Orange peel/dusting etc is by the by. Dh had to have a day off here this week as I was ill (I'm currently on mat leave, two DC aged 4 & 2). He's really under pressure at work and REALLY could have done without losing a day in the office. But he coped. No 'other chores' but he fitted in some work, fed everyone, left the kitchen clean and tidy etc. he's a long way from 'perfect' but so am I! A strong healthy relationship is a dialogue and accommodating each other. Is this what you feel you have?

Lj8893 Sat 19-Oct-13 01:18:17

Not just you mspickle grin

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:28:50

I love the fact that I, Queen of "Fuck it, that'll do" housework is giving tips grin

EBearhug Sat 19-Oct-13 01:37:31

Dusting is waving a duster over the surfaces. (Actually, I am going to have to do the cobwebs soon - they're getting too noticeable.) Polish is spraying on stuff and rubbing it off, if you're going for a quick going over, or getting out the beeswax stuff if you are feeling a bit mad. It does smell and look good afterwards, mind you.

You can also polish shoes and metal ornaments.

I have worked as a cleaner on the past, and I can do it well when I want to. But I do think that if you don't move things too much, it's less noticeable. And mostly, I can't be bothered.

ZenNudist Sat 19-Oct-13 08:29:00

To add to what others have said. You sound tired & stressed & like you're not coping with your new routine. Don't worry, it takes time to adjust. Taking it out on dh just creates another problem. You need to work together & maybe he just needs a bit of handling to get what you want.

You need to compromise too. Stop trying to maintain the standards you had as sahm. You will find that as you bed into your new role you will be able to fit more in.

To cope in the meantime a cleaner is a good idea, but its still a chore to tidy so they can clean! Also consider more convenience foods just til you get on your feet. I am a big fan of cooking from scratch but when I went back to work after mat leave we ate a lot of Covent garden soup! Batch cook & freeze things like spag Bol in cubes or small portions so you can just defrost what's needed (for dc say) & make a cooking session count so effort expensed does for more than one meal. ATM I'm pregnant & have started to use (extortionately priced) ready mashed potato & bought cauliflower cheese to make a plain meat & veg dinner more exciting. Small aldi Roast leg of lamb does for 2 nights with sides like this.

I couldn't have done all I do now (eg let my cleaner go after a year) when I first went back to work. I'm not saying its your responsibility & it's all shared work but don't be too precious about it.

If your dh is actually useless then a calm discussion about what (really) needs to be done (clue, dusting not on that list) & how you are both going to do it together is what you need to do.

Either give up caring what mil thinks or suggest you visit her until house is more visitor friendly. Perhaps go put for weekend lunch/tea with her to be out of the house together.I often think of visits not just in hassle to get there but also hassle saved in not tidying for visitors. Be honest why you can't stay home. i.e "we are struggling to make home presentable when family is adjusting to new routine, we'd be more comfortable restricting visitors for now".

Stop blaming dh & be wary of playing the martyr. Think clearly what he does do. In not saying he isn't being shiftless but you're currently locked into a very negative way of dealing with it.

Good luck.

BooCanary Sat 19-Oct-13 09:36:25

OP - if you can't rely on your DH to keep on top of housework, then you need to have a chat about other responsibilities.

my DH has much lower standards than me. He is crap at remembering to check school bags, general tidying and generally he is pretty inefficient in the home!

As a result, we have agreed he does certain things that free me up to do things.

He gets up with DCs on the weekend, gets breakfast etc so I get a lie in. He prefers to maximize sleep on work days, and I prefer to do some chores first thing before work.

He takes DCs to breakfast club whilst I tidy house or get to work early.

He does DDs homework with her, and I do it with DS, which requires more patience.

He irons his own work clothes ( if he doesn't do it it has no effect on me)

He baths dcs whilst I do tea.

IMO, making a big issue about housework will get you nowhere. Division of labour/allocation of duties is best plan.

Allthreerolledintoone Sat 19-Oct-13 10:15:43

Thanks for the tips guys. I didn't expect him to polish, hoover etc but he did say he had been doing all of the housework so my expectations
were raised iykwim. I just expected the little jobs that I have to do every day when I get home to be done.

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