to wonder if everyone elses children really did receive a perfect parents evening report (as posted on facebook)

(139 Posts)
grumpalumpgrumped Tue 15-Oct-13 21:58:47

Parents evening season and my news feed is full of 'well done little johnny a perfect parents evening'. AIBU to wonder if I'm the only one to get a good but not perfect report for my DS?

Feeling a bit fed up and dare I say it a little disappointed (DS report was not bad at all just honest and I can see what they were saying is about right)

Not sure why it bothers me, just trying to gauge if I'm a terrible mother!

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Tue 15-Oct-13 22:01:10

I always wonder this, too (especially knowing the child in question!!).

I only remember the good bits of parents evening. grin

EndoplasmicReticulum Tue 15-Oct-13 22:03:08

I won't. Not that I'm getting to go, I'll be at work.

grumpalumpgrumped Tue 15-Oct-13 22:03:19

Twoandtwo there is that too!

shallweshop Tue 15-Oct-13 22:06:15

YANBU - I think the ones that boast too much have the most to hide!

AuntySib Tue 15-Oct-13 22:08:23

Think it's a bit weird to be putting things like that on FB.

SweetSkull Tue 15-Oct-13 22:09:47

Had my friend over after school and she still trying (it has been 3 years now) to make me move my child to her child's school because her school is so much BETTER. Both are outstanding by the war, however hers is Catholic and they have a much formal uniform and, and more strict uniform policy. She is even willing to fake my signature on the church I don't attend.

Sorry, totally off your OP but it makes me mad. I needed to vent.

puntasticusername Tue 15-Oct-13 22:10:06

There is an inverse law that operates in these situations. Those who boast the most are those who feel, for whatever reason, that they have the most to compensate for. Happy and secure people seem to do much less of that.

grumpalumpgrumped Tue 15-Oct-13 22:10:29

Aunysib this is the least weird stuff. Need to step away from Facebook I think!

grumpalumpgrumped Tue 15-Oct-13 22:12:36

sweetskull you rant away! That would give me rage too.

SatinSandals Tue 15-Oct-13 22:14:40

I agree with puntastic and you can put it down to insecurity.

2468Motorway Tue 15-Oct-13 22:18:41

If the kids are little-ish I think that the teachers really try to emphasize the positive. So unless your kids turns into the hulk/naughtiest girl in the school there are always some good bits to focus on.

I do however hate fb boasting so unless your kid won Olympic gold or a Nobel prize just post to your family.

Fakebook Tue 15-Oct-13 22:18:49

I'm new to this school parents evening malarkey, but I can safely say that people lie blatantly and unashamedly.

Last year I saw on Facebook how one of Dd's school friends got all "outstanding" in her report and that the teachers were all so happy about how she was exceeding beyond expectation at the end of Foundation in EVERY SINGLE AREA.

This year the same girl is apparently in the middle set for phonics and is getting the easier word search homework every week whereas dd is getting the harder reading and questions and writing homework.

I don't know why people would do this. I would never write about parents evening or school reports on fb. As far as I'm concerned its private information between the teacher, the child and the parents. No need to boast about it, unless they've just got a place in Oxbridge or something. I like reading accomplishments like that.

xuntitledx Tue 15-Oct-13 22:19:23

At the end of last term, my step kids brought home their school report and whilst it wasn't perfect they'd done very well and had good scores.

That night however, their mother posted a Facebook status about "perfect scores across the board" confused

Such a strange thing to lie about (given that the kids also have access to Facebook) as it detracted from what they'd actually achieved - which was good and something to be proud of!

BlackeyedSusan Tue 15-Oct-13 22:19:35

ds got a lovely parents evening report from the teacher. however, sneaky peek in the classroom and it is obvious that he is in the bottom group for everything. the teacher has not changed the grroup names since dd was in that class!

SaucyJack Tue 15-Oct-13 22:20:05

IME teachers only say nice things at parents' evenings these days anyway. Even the bad things are given a positive spin- for ex. my DD1 is a "strong personality" who likes to "express herself creatively" (she's a awkward little sod who likes to draw on her arms). It's PC gone mad.

Not like the good old when you'd be hiding under the bed quivering waiting for your mum to get home from seeing your teachers.

CocktailQueen Tue 15-Oct-13 22:20:19

Agree with facebook!

We won't! Will probably be told that DS needs to shut up from time to time and that he is generally ok. The "I am so proud of Schnookums (or what ever) for such a stunning report. We are filling in the Oxbridge forms as we celebrate" type status is why I no longer FB.

CoconutCake Tue 15-Oct-13 22:21:25

I think most schools put positive slants on for parents evening, if there were problems you would be called in to discuss it not get it thrown at you in your 10 minute slot with others waiting.

My dc's reports are always amazing and always make me so proud I actually well up with tears, maybe because I'm a single mother and not in a very well paid job when I hear my dd is top 3 in her year (2 classes) in every subject or my ds has improved amazingly on his reading, or they talk about the stuff from outside they've brought in (leafs and conkers ect) I feel this amazing pride in them and a big fuck you to the naice sort mums that look down on me. That's also why I probably put it on fb I dot have a partner to talk about it with so I put it on fb so my mum and sister and all my friends know.

CocktailQueen Tue 15-Oct-13 22:21:30

Fakebook, sorry.

Also, teachers are 't allowed to say anything negative about kids at all these days. Huh.

I don't get this at all.

Who gives a shit how your little prince or princess <boak> did anyway?!

DS got a great end of year report (parents evening hasn't happened yet here) and I had one friend who was quite aggressive about wanting to see it, all the while boasting an obscene amount about Little Johnny's report.

DS happened to do better at that time but I kept my mouth shut about it.

I know how he did and how proud I felt. Nobody else needs to hear about it

FortyDoorsToNowhere Tue 15-Oct-13 22:22:55

I have never had a perfect parents evening, it always creates more issues than solves.

For me a perfect parents evening would be to go in and DS hitting all his targets on his ILP.

Dd is in reception so yet to have one ( it's coming up though)

Oh should have made it more obvious- or children are all in KS2. If your DC are in 6th form and heading to Oxbridge/ boast away!! grin

MerylStrop Tue 15-Oct-13 22:23:27

Hide them. Hide the insecure braggers. Them and the people who "like" Tesco.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Tue 15-Oct-13 22:24:34

DS always sees me last and books a double slot.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Tue 15-Oct-13 22:25:01

Teacher that is

grumpalumpgrumped Tue 15-Oct-13 22:25:51

coconutcake totally get that.

thehorridestmumintheworld Tue 15-Oct-13 22:26:19

I enjoyed dds parents evening so much more this time as she was allowed in and the teacher included her in the discussion, asked how she is finding things etc it made it all seem more friendly and less performance based. When you have all these pushy parents it is so easy to lose sight of what is right for your child.

grumpalumpgrumped Tue 15-Oct-13 22:29:20

merylstrop grin those who like Tesco.

Not perfect here. daughter is apparently super smart, but lazy and careless. middle child is the same, but lazier. Poor 4 year old can only recognise 5 letters because his mother is a lazy cow who decided not to teach him to read so he wouldn't get bored in school like the other two did.
honestly I think we should get an award for the number of days we actually got all three kids into their different schools wearing semi matching clothes and almost on time. did not receive best parent award

I dread parents' evenings. They're always hideous and involve me getting frustrated at being outright lied to (or it may just be that the teachers don't know they're talking shite, but that's equally frustrating as people might think they know what they're talking about).

I think I might have been very unlucky with DS1's teachers though, as none of them have known their arse from their elbow re:SN but they've all insisted on talking utter shite about it anyway. Including a memorable occassion where a teacher tried to tell me a load of rubbish about things that do fall exactly within my professional area of expertise and then refused to believe that she may be talking rubbish (apparently having once been to a university means that she is an expert on how universities support students with disabilities). Another memorable occassion had a teacher telling me about an apparently inflexible policy at the high school DS would be going to that would flagrantly be in breech of the equalities act. She had no idea what the equalities act is, of course, nor that putting a child into isolation because of something they can't help that is directly caused by a disability might be a problematic idea (and not a behaviour issue, a really petty issue of organisation skills).

The most memorable ones were where I had to go on to make a formal complaint because a teacher was humiliating him in front of the whole class on purpose because of his SN and where the teacher spent the whole time telling me how awful and disruptive DS1 was and then it turned out that he was being horribly bullied and the teachers were punishing him for it and rewarding the bullies.

So, no, I don't post on FB about 'perfect' reports.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Tue 15-Oct-13 22:55:48

grin Meryl

Doubletroublemummy2 Tue 15-Oct-13 23:00:59

I always believed school reports and pay cheques fall under the same need to know / eyes only policy

Donkeyok Tue 15-Oct-13 23:03:22

I agree with the positive spin on the language. It gets so you cant say little ds would do better if he put down the chair and stopped trying to pick fights throughout the lesson, to should aim to increase focus.

swannylovesu Tue 15-Oct-13 23:03:39

i did with ds2 grin working to a much higher level than his peers, pleasure to teach and head of the school council.

DS1 however.....scraping by, disruptive and thinks he knows it all...hmmmmmmmmmm

usualsuspect Tue 15-Oct-13 23:03:58

You miserable load of sods.

defineme Tue 15-Oct-13 23:07:44

Well dd needs to pay attention and stop distracting others and ds needs to stop being such a big show off know it all and telling the teacher stuff is too easy. They're both progressing well though...
I've never posted about my kids on facebook and don't intend to start after tonight grin

Now then, I'm glad this has come up again because I am totally confused about the etiquette for Facebook boasting, for I presume that it is boasting. I have a couple of friends who do this - one because she never understood that in our school the teachers don't like to say anything unpleasant because they just like to be nice, so she then posts "Mummy is so proud of her little Princess for a super dooper report" or scanning in her "star of the week" card "Mummy's little Princess Star". Various friends and relatives then add comments like "Hun she is a real Princess", "WOW!! WELL DONE!!" and so on.

Another puts down every single achievement "Well Done to Maisie for Coming First in Girl's Football - that's my girl, always likes to come first" or "Very proud of how my Maisie performed at the concert tonight - wow she's going to be a rock star", and again, everyone joins in "God she's so fab". Although to be fair she does list her own achievements on Facebook as well, and believe me, they are many.

About 2 years ago my DD won a school prize and it was awarded by a local sportsman, various pictures were available etc, so I posted these without comment other than "Mini BB won a prize for x and here she is with Local Sportsman". No one commented. Couple of good friends and family pressed "like".

But really, was what I did any "better" than Princess Mum and Maisie Mum?

I don't put that stuff on FB. Knowing my DCs, super-compliant DD will get a really good report and DS in reception...if he does, it will be a lie because he is gorgeous and bright but a right little sod grin

He gets exceeding the expectations for: Ignoring requests, getting playdo in the treads of his shoes, being cute, and for 98% coverage of his jumper with his lunchtime yoghurt.

Meeting expectation for: turning up every day unless actually losing bodily fluids/secretions in ways he shouldn't be.

Working towards the levels for: sitting still for 10 seconds, wiping bottom properly, coming home with all his belongings.

ringaringarosy Tue 15-Oct-13 23:14:10

Parents on my fb do this too,my son had a perfect parents evening last year too,only reception though so how bad can it be!?

My mum used to make such a big deal about parents evening,telling me it had better be good or id be in trouble(it was always bed i was naughty at school,it was boring so i found my own things to do)so i would spend the evening worrying about how much trouble i would be in when she got back,and i was always in trouble when she got back.

My ds doesnt even know what parents evenings are,i didnt even mention it to him!

defineme Tue 15-Oct-13 23:14:46

I'm honestly not a miserable sod usualsuspect - I actually cried after my first parents evening for my twins:I hadn't realised that I was braced for the usual litany of failure that I heard at ds1's parents evening because of his sn. It made my heart sing to hear 'progressing well' and 'very able' because it means they're not finding school an almost impossible struggle. However, I celebrated that small personal thing with dh and dm, I wouldn't tell anyone else because I can't see why they'd need to know.

ringaringarosy Tue 15-Oct-13 23:15:50

The impression i get from the teachers at my sons school is that if there was anything bad to say it would be said in the nicest way possible,maybe it changes as they get older but its definitely changed since i was little.

usualsuspect Tue 15-Oct-13 23:16:20

Well you won't be able to keep it from him for much longer.

usualsuspect Tue 15-Oct-13 23:19:15

I'm happy for parents to be proud of their kids on FB.

I don't think they are insecure or liars.

But then I like the people on my FB.I really don't understand why you have people on FB you clearly don't like.

ringaringarosy Tue 15-Oct-13 23:22:30

im not keeping it from him i just dont mention it,its not a big deal!If there was something drastically wrong like he was really struggling emotionally or something,but then i wouldnt need to go to a parents evening to find that out seeing as i live with him.

Teachers do put a positive spin on - they are pretty much told to. You have to be able to translate teacher speak to actually know what is going on. In addition they are often instructed to put in positives as well as negatives. That might be in a secondary subject report where the teacher writes blurb about what has been covered, one achievement and one action to improve. So the to students and the bottom students each actually seem to get as many positive and negative points in their report.

So you have parents who don't hear the middle of the shit sandwich or don't understand the nuances in what the teacher is saying. It might be fairly obvious to some, but things like:

"A very lively member of the class" - might mean "can't stay still, calls out and distracts others".

"Has produced some good work this term" - might mean "has completed one piece of work well this term".

Hopefully teacher are being as honest and frank as possible, but the combination of teacher speak and selective hearing is going to produce some very proud parents. Or the teacher might just be talking about the wrong child which I only did once, but very enthusiastically for 10 min.

usualsuspect Tue 15-Oct-13 23:25:58

Haha,DS was 'lively' and 'enthusiastic in class discussions'

Or a pita with a big mouth grin

Tanith Tue 15-Oct-13 23:29:05

Mine has been a little angel smile, but it's her very first one ever, she's 4 and she's only been there a month.

She hasn't had time to do anything yet... grin

FortyDoorsToNowhere Tue 15-Oct-13 23:30:47

I get where Usualsuspect is coming from.

A perfect parents evening is what the parent view of perfect it.

I would be over the moon when dd parents evening comes up and shows no problems, as my experience so far is fighting for any scrap of support and dreading school pick ups.

Ludoole Wed 16-Oct-13 00:18:38

Im guilty of putting stuff on facebook (shoot me now!), although i only have family and very close friends on my friends list.
Ds1 always has a brilliant report regarding grades. He does have confidence issues though so i praise him up more for speaking in class.
Ds2 struggles with literacy and numeracy but is always commended on how hard he tries.

Im proud of the personal achievements they both make, so why shouldn't i share that with those closest to me?

Ludoole - are your FB friends really those closest to you? Mine are a combination of good friends, ex colleagues, people I vaguely knew at university and school friends, most of whom I haven't seen since I left school. No way would I share this stuff on FB. I'd phone my parents and PIL and mention it to my grandparents when I next spoke to them, but that would be it.

goldenlula Wed 16-Oct-13 00:25:56

You see, if I were to say my children had a brilliant school report or parents evening I would be talking relatively , it would not mean that they were top in everything (far from it infact) it would mean that they have been trying their best and behaving well according to the report from the teacher. I never get why, on here, someone being proud of their child must be because they have got the best marks or are pretending they have got the best marks. I am very pleased with ds1 as he has moved up on his reading books today, he is nearly 8 and he has had to work very hard to get to where he is. Some of his peers are reading Roald Dahl, he has just started on books with 10 or so lines on a page and 32 page books. I am proud because he deserves me to be, not because he is some brain of Britain.

Ludoole Wed 16-Oct-13 00:33:08

Breatheslowly

Yes only close family and friends. Im selective!!
And i don't mention actual grades, i just say they've done very well.

exexpat Wed 16-Oct-13 00:37:14

Mine two do almost always get brilliant reports, gushing praise from teachers at parents' evening, and exceed expectations/get A*s in everything. And precisely because they do, I would never, ever post anything about their school work on facebook.

My two have always found academic stuff relatively easy, but I know I have friends whose children probably work much harder and will never get the same grades. It's not something I would feel at all comfortable boasting about, so I just tell their grandparents, who are genuinely interested and pleased for them.

skyofdiamonds Wed 16-Oct-13 00:50:50

I had the same post about a perfect parents evening.

The child in question is talks in slang, does not verbally construct sentences correctly (even for a child), gets no academic support from parents, spits in peoples faces, swears, need I say more.

She is the image of her parents. Who speak the same, care not for anything academic, smoke spliffs day and night around them, roll up their spliffs with their kids next to them, kids have low attendance as they frequently cba to take them into school, told the school of their older DD to 'fuck off, she's your problem when in school, we have enough of her at home' when they were concerned about her uniform...

and apparently at the parents evening the child's maths and english is brilliant and the child is perfect hmm

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Wed 16-Oct-13 01:11:32

No, BurningBridges IMO just a nicer sort of family/friends ....

Totally, DoubleTrouble.

Anyway, it's not as though DD1 doesn't come home and say who's in the top group or who messes around or who's fastest at running anyway ...... Everyone knows what's what, whatever they post on FB!

trianglecirclesquare Wed 16-Oct-13 01:29:43

I'm with ArbitraryUsername. Thanks to SN and an appalling lack of knowledge from teaching staff, our parent meetings are usually pretty hideous. Our friends and family tell us the school is shite and our DC wonderful. They are right, of course. smile But I would never lie and say the reports are good... then we wouldn't get the love & support that we all rely on. Aunties tutoring in maths and drama, uncles making them more confident socially, a grandma who teaches them music. If you put the truth on fb, and it's your real friends on there, then you get help and genuine understanding.

NoComet Wed 16-Oct-13 01:30:09

Yes and no
DD2 got truly, cringeworthy, embarrassingly good primary reports and I honestly wished her teacher would find one minor grumble at parents evening.

My dyslexic, social inept, group work allergic and sometimes bullied DD1 lead to rather more interesting and lengthy discussions.

In Y7 DD2's parents evening has ended up discussing DD1 too.

Although this was mainly because DD2 refused to miss gymnastics just to be told what she'd read in her report and without her in tow there was much for the teachers to say.

I should add DD2 is only an angel at school, DD1 is far easier to live with.

As for FB, I don't have an account and I'd only boast if everyone else was.

NoComet Wed 16-Oct-13 01:36:28

Like trianglecirclesquare, many of these interesting discussions would have been unnecessary if they had actually not take until Y6 to a knowledge she was dyslexic.

SN and the old HT was hopeless, the new HT had only ever taught DD2, I did a lot of banging my head on a brick wall.

trianglecirclesquare Wed 16-Oct-13 01:41:36

StarBall, we got the Dx in Y3 - hasn't much improved the parent meetings!

pointyfangs Wed 16-Oct-13 09:49:55

I don't tend to post parent evening results on FB and with reports I'll only post that it was a good one (if it was, obviously) and that we're looking forward to spoiling them a bit in the summer holidays.

A perfect parents' evening to me is one where I get constructive comments - not just buckets of praise, but also concrete suggestions on what the next steps are and how I can support progress at home. So far that's what I've had from both DDs' schools, I know how lucky I am.

This year DD2 is in Yr6 and the school has promised it's going to be 'blunt' at parents' evening next week - their first Yr6 cohort failed to make floor target in SATs by a couple of points last year and now it's no more Mr Nice Guy. We'll see if there are any surprises and take whatever comes on the chin - what else can you do?

Serialdrinker Wed 16-Oct-13 10:07:48

I'm glad Facebook wasn't around when I was at school- I would have hated for my parents to be publicising my personal details- good or bad. I don't think they would have bragged or moaned about me or my siblings so publicly anyway.

It's not your information to share is it?

havingamadmoment Wed 16-Oct-13 10:25:56

I went to 4 meetings for 4 children one after the other. 3 were just yes they are doing well the 4th was a list of problems, complaints and issues as long as my arm, the end of it being that he is being moved into a special needs group. So I would say the first three were great but the parents evening as a whole not so fab!

MotherofBear Wed 16-Oct-13 10:26:12

Mine had a good report, but not perfect either. Nothing bad, but not top-of-the-class-can-do-no-wrong either, like some parents' children seem to have had grin

SHarri13 Wed 16-Oct-13 10:29:06

My DS' teacher said he was a 'busy, trier' hahha, wonder what that means?

TheAngryCheeseCracker Wed 16-Oct-13 10:29:44

Who writes status about parents evenings?!

And you are friends with these people?

Back in my day it was roundrobins. They made my dad so angry, he actually sent one out saying how wonderful life was now that his son was out of prison, and how well Zi hot on with my social worker, and SENT it.

My mum was furious btw.

We did not get many roundrobins after that

Xochiquetzal Wed 16-Oct-13 11:13:59

My DC's teachers like to put everything nicely so yeah, eeryone at their schools got perfect reports until you realise that 'talkative and outgoing' means never shuts up, 'energetic' means fidgetty, 'sensitive' means stroppy etc.

Fleta Wed 16-Oct-13 11:20:39

Yes - my daughter got a perfect parent's evening report at the end of last year. Sorry blush

I put on FB something along the lines of "very proud of X after parent's evening" but I most certainly didn't go into details.

It wouldn't bother me if people did - I like hearing about how my friend's children are getting on!

LaGuardia Wed 16-Oct-13 11:22:20

Lies, damned lies and Facebook.

DeWe Wed 16-Oct-13 11:24:13

I think that the problem of teachers feeling they have to put everything in a "nice positive" way has increased the problem. Occasionally someone has told me proudly "the teacher said XXX about my dc" and I've thought, "have they not realised that what the teacher was trying to say was actually not a particularly good thing."
We had one teacher who said it as it was, and that was absolutely brilliant, because you knew when they said something was good, it was good.

My observation among my friends (some of my friends having very bright children) is that the ones who tend to post that sort of things have the typically middle of the road, never much in trouble, but never much in the limelight type. So if that's their way of having their dc in the limelight for once, that's fine.
Those who really do have children that are excelling in all areas, don't tend to put it that way.

But the positive spin does have it's own problems. I have had parents I know who are convinced that their dc is soaring at the top of the class because the reports etc. are so positive. At some point they get a shock, whether it's at year 6 sats time, discovery of setting groups or later. And actually I don't think that's fair for the dc or the parents.

Theangrycheese I love your dad's style. grin

Worried123456 Wed 16-Oct-13 11:24:34

I have friends who do this-it makes me laugh. Especially when they are suspiciously quiet on certain days-you wonder if things hadn't gone quite to plan!!

Fleta Wed 16-Oct-13 11:26:33

I find it interesting that the assumption seems to be that if you put something nice about your children on FB you must be lying.

Owllady Wed 16-Oct-13 11:31:09

I always get a mixed report for my youngest. He is, dare I say it hmm spirited confused

It can't be my parenting wink because my older boy ios an angel of the highest order, never puts a foot wrong, top of de class

Vagndidit Wed 16-Oct-13 11:44:06

I've been dreading parents evening since DS's nursery teacher sat across from us a few years ago with complete cat's bum mouth, exclaiming, "Well, what can I say? He's full of beans and larger than life."

We knew at that moment, we were screwed and have a child that will forever be a teacher's worst nightmare. My sweet, sweet devil snowflake.

I have never encountered at teacher trying to euphemism a report about DS1. Instead they seem intent on telling me how awful he is and correcting any language I use to make sure it's as negative as possible. And they certainly don't want to discuss what they are (or should be) doing to address all the stuff they find wrong with him. No, he's just supposed to become more organised in school all on his own and stop causing them problems.

It's not even that he's disruptive. He really isn't. He's quiet and keeps to himself and increasingly tries to go unnoticed. Yet they're bloody obsessed with disciplining him over an accumulation of petty shit like what colour his fucking socks are in PE (which seems to change utterly arbitrarily; sometimes they're supposed to be white, sometimes blue. And even more brilliantly, his teacher can only tell he hasn't got the right socks by making him pull up his tracksuit bottoms to show him) or his planner getting in to a bit of a mess in his bag and complaining that his handwriting is hard to read (while refusing to let him use a laptop in class).

Got to love a total deficit model of SN approach. I think they're determined to kill off any possible joy he might derive from his compulsory education.

They also schedule their planned meetings during the school day so you have to take annual leave to bang your head against a brick wall. But, hey, ofsted said they were wonderful so everything must be jolly and dandy.

sue52 Wed 16-Oct-13 11:55:33

Putting positive stuff from school on Facebook is understandable however, making out your child is the brightest the school has ever encountered and the teacher is constantly astounded by their intellectual prowess, is not.

1944girl Wed 16-Oct-13 11:56:21

I have a close relative who is addicted to FB boasting but I will say no more because she is so well known among her friends on there I will get outed on here.
Long before FB existed I was a parent of school age children.My DS2 was a habitual truant in secondary school and would destroy the notices he got from school about parents evenings so we hardly got to any

sue52 Wed 16-Oct-13 11:58:42

Arbitrary the school sounds incredibly unsupportive. They are not all like that. Have you looked into moving your DS?

moominmarvellous Wed 16-Oct-13 12:07:03

I can't bear FB braggers! I make a point of not talking about my DC's open evenings. If I'm proud of their school life, the most important thing is that THEY know I am, not a bunch of my old school-mates.

Also I might have friends with children who don't do so well in school for whatever reason, I don't want my FB page to be a platform for making others feel like shit.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 16-Oct-13 12:09:15

Ds2 is 10 and always gets great reports. Ds1 who is 18 now and is thankfully no longer at school always had awful reports and parents evenings. There were a few years I dreaded parents evenings

Alas, sue: this is my cumulative experience of several different schools with DS1. This one is actually quite good in comparison to the one where the teachers humiliated him in front of the class and punished him for being bullied. That one was a real gem!

I'm really not sure that moving him would actually help, because you can never know quite how awful a school is going to be until your child is in it. IME HTs often lie when persuading you to sign your child up to their school. And it's not that the school are always deliberately being awful. It's often a cumulative effect of lots of poorly trained people who haven't a clue what they're doing (but who feel they have to pretend that they do).

Also this school is at the end of our road. Getting to any other school would be difficult. So my plan is to be a total pain in the arse at this one (which he started in September). The biggest issue is that they seem to be ignoring my requests for a meeting to discuss why he's getting no support and detentions over bloody socks (especially given the difficulties he has in remembering he's got PE at all in a stupid 2 week timetable).

Littlestgirlguide Wed 16-Oct-13 12:42:41

Also annoys me when people say their child is 'top o the class', I thought that sort of competitiveness in grades was abolished years ago.

CloverkissSparklecheeks Wed 16-Oct-13 12:52:07

My friend did this on facebook, it makes me cringe especially as I know its not entirely true, she also felt the need to tell me to my face how amazing her DS is doing. My DS is in the same class so I know what groups they are all in, she lies about all sorts incl reading levels!

Both mine had brilliant reports this time but it most definitely did not go on FB.

BlingBang Wed 16-Oct-13 12:54:51

I put funny stuff in FB about my kids but never posted about school reports, just never crossed my mind - and they do get great reports.

BlingBang Wed 16-Oct-13 12:58:11

Never see others post this kind of stuff either, not about how great and intelligent they are at school. Other stuff yes, but not boasting about how clever your kids are - strange. Where are all these people. My FB is so dull, never any contentious stuff or arguing ect.

SirChenjin Wed 16-Oct-13 12:59:30

I always do for DCs 2&3.

After years of DC1's school parents' nights <glares at said offsrping> I feel entitled to feel very proud. I wouldn't post about it on FB though. Just knowing that we don't have 3 complete deliquents <glares again at DC1> is enough for DH and I.

CloverkissSparklecheeks Wed 16-Oct-13 13:02:13

I don't really have an issue with people saying they are proud of their DCs reports or parents evening but my friend is winding me up lately as I am sure she is saying how amazing her DS is doing to get me to divulge more info about my DS, she has an issue with him for some reason and asks about his levels etc (he is quite academic and she is quite nosey grin )

I am probably over thinking it and maybe it doesn't actually matter at all.

grumpalumpgrumped Wed 16-Oct-13 13:40:52

I have no issue with people doing it, up to them, but as most go to the same school it made me think that DS is terrible (he is not, he's no angel and I agree with the comments even if I was a little surprised as last year was very good)

Feel more rational today, others children are not my concern and comparing based on Facebook posts is ridiculous!

sue52 Wed 16-Oct-13 14:13:00

Arbitrary Detentions over socks? FFs how petty can you get.

DalekInAFestiveJumper Wed 16-Oct-13 14:25:36

I'm a teacher, sort of. I love reading all the perfect conference statuses and making note of which ones are out and out lies.

It's the little things, but you have to laugh or you'll cry.

Well school uniform is really crucial you know. And 3 planner comments a week = detention, so the wrong sons twice and losing your pen between classes (which happens several times a week) means lots of scope for detention.

And the letters remind me that they use stronger sanctions for people who accumulate too many detentions. Because, you know, a dyspraxic kid with the wrong socks you can't even see and a lost pen is a menace and must be dealt with accordingly. Especially when I can't figure out what the right bloody socks would be (or why it could possibly matter).

Another parent told me about the joy of her on getting detention because his trainers were stolen (at school). Because you must be punished even if it's not your fault that you don't have the right kit.

And don't even get me started on the compulsory in school exclusion (with all the kids who've actually done stuff worth worrying about) for forgetting your planner. Especially when they know you struggle with organising yourself (and are trying really, really hard but still looking like a total disaster).

The ridiculously petty tyranny of secondary education in a contemporary academy,..

thehorridestmumintheworld Wed 16-Oct-13 15:18:49

That sounds really bad arbitary I would make sure you communicate with the school in writing and maybe keep notes on anything unreasonable they do.

flipchart Wed 16-Oct-13 15:25:01

Well the last few years oh high school for Ds 1 there was a lot of very worried parents wandering round after the abysmal report their sons were getting.

I was one of them and we were all trying to console each other.

None of us posted that miserable chat on FB!

pointyfangs Wed 16-Oct-13 15:30:49

Arbitrary that sounds like a stupendously awful school. Is your DS officially diagnosed as dyspraxic? Because if he is, you could be that parent and get them under the Disability Discrimination Act.

I hate schools who are blanket draconian on everything - detentions should be for things like seriously bad behaviour, persistently not doing homework, that sort of thing. Wrong socks and lost pens/planners are just not such a big deal, and of course this approach could seriously backfire, as in 'well, if they're going to give me a detention over my socks, I might as well just do something really bad'.

Oh. I am going to be that parent. I've just spoken to his 'learning manager' about the unhelpfulness of sanctioning a dyspraxic teenager over being disorganised. And how, you know, telling he needs to get organised doesn't actually achieve anything.

There is really nothing I can do to ensure that he doesn't lose his pen(s)/dinner money/coat/PE kit/anything and everything else after he's left the house and gone to school. I understand that they expect everyone to have all their equipment, but is it really that hard for a teacher to just say 'Oh, here's a pen DS'? Would that not seem a 'reasonable adjustment'?

The crap thing is that the other local schools seem just as new managerial and ridiculous as this one. I'm sure Gove and Wilshaw think they're all utterly wonderful.

QOD Wed 16-Oct-13 15:50:29

I have around 100 American friends Facebook

I'd say, hmmmmmm, 92 of them have children who are on the honour roll, they're all geniuses

The other 8? 5 of them home school and the other 3 are sane.

All my American friends have honours roll student children too, now you mention it. It must be a big roll!

QOD Wed 16-Oct-13 16:52:50

Yup!

stephrick Wed 16-Oct-13 17:27:35

In the past my 14 yo DS was getting A's in everything, however on a parents evening his math teacher said he could try harder, he was and is still in top set and getting A's, what more do they want. We have had this with chemistry too, try harder, he is at an A in gcse. I think the school must be on an A* drive.

defineme Wed 16-Oct-13 18:44:12

arbitary they really do appear to be punishing your ds because he is dyspraxic...has he got a statement, is he on their sn register because of his dx? They are failing him and if they're failing to arrange a meeting then I'd be complaining to whoever seems appropriate.

My ds has just started year 7 mainstream with a statement for his asd and it was agreed before he started that he would be exempt from homework and detentions for non behavioural issues (eg sports kit).
However, it hadn't occurred to me not to pack his bag every night and check his timetable for which kit(I tend to pack the whole pe kit too -indoor and outdoor) and I've put pens in every pocket of his bag because he will often say he hasn't got one if he's looked in the wrong bit.
I will encourage ds to pack his own bag eventually, but at the moment it's stressful enough getting him to school/ him adjusting to a new environment without expecting the impossible from him.

I hope things improve for him, I'm sorry his experiences with school have been so negative sad

The problem is the school think they're applying the same rules to everyone so that's fair. But obviously it isn't really because he isn't doing it on purpose. That's what makes it so frustrating. They aren't doing it out of malice; it's just that they generally don't know what they're doing re: his SN and can't understand the harm they're doing.

He's on SA (should be SA+ because OT are involved too) but the school is like an impenetrable fortress. Luckily OT are great so she's going to help me with the school. The top of my list (and hers too) is getting them to recognise how hard he's trying. It's so disheartening for him to try really hard and make big improvements (for him) in organisation skills or subjects like art and then get reports from teachers with incredibly low grades for effort (because they don't understand that it takes him a long time to produce very little of low quality but that it represents enormous effort for him), organisation and presentation. I have spent years trying to get schools to understand that they should give grades based on him not in comparison to everyone else. That way they can recognise the enormous improvement that arriving at school with the stuff he needs in the morning is over what he was like at 11. And he could feel better about himself too. Instead they spend all the time telling him scenarios of doom that will occur if he doesn't get himself organised etc. very helpful.

I don't pack his bag because he's Y9 now and he does need to be doing it himself. Instead I do the 'are you sure you've got...', 'maybe you shoudl check if there's anything i need to sign' etc bit. He does tend to arrive at school with the necessary equipment but it all goes wrong from there onwards. Equipment just seems to flee from him in between classes. And he's totally oblivious to it. He can be wearing his polo shirt backwards and not notice until I tell him in the morning!

HappyMummyOfOne Wed 16-Oct-13 19:47:11

Cant abide it after, its on a par with people who post "i love my snuggly wuggly DH so much"

Dont believe them all though, very easy to work out those who are lying etc.

everlong Wed 16-Oct-13 19:55:09

It's rank.

Ds did well in his sats in summer but there was no way I was going to brag on fb about it.

Why?

Who needs to know that?

TheAngryCheeseCracker Thu 17-Oct-13 07:55:24

Haha at all the posters who say "my DC did very well, but why should I post about it on the internet !"

Ehm. .... You just have

!

SirChenjin Thu 17-Oct-13 08:00:15

Anonymously.....

There's a huge difference between me as SirChenjin saying my DCs did really well when you have no idea who I am or who my DCs are, and me posting in RL to my friends on FB

samu2 Thu 17-Oct-13 08:18:34

I was told that one of mine has to verbalise his every single thought (so very true) and he needs to more effort into his work.

The rest was perfect though grin

3asAbird Thu 17-Oct-13 08:38:09

Had to chuckle at this.
so true even better when their kids go same school as yours so you tend to have better idea.

Freind at school thinks her is gifted and talented so much so she may have over boasted as met another mum at supermarket who talked about how smug she is and how nasty and socially inept her child is.

Ddd1 had parents evening other week but after 5 weeks with new teacher not really much she could say dd quite average struggles some areas but as long as shes trying and happy then im happy.

I think childs personality and kindness important as much as their academics.

But dident learn much other than her teacher hates gove and how hard the job is shes bit odd but people keep saying shes good.

People do the same end of term reports.

in year 1 we had awful report ok parents evening but i don;t brag about things thats not true may have said shes done really well to catch up.

Thankfully the parents within dds school are not slightest bit competative mostly in fb land.

I have 1 fb Friend met online she posted start of this term a photograph of text from childs teacher odd i never know teachers send personal text what lovely child and how well behaved joy to have in class last week she randomly posted im so ashamed hes been naughty all term cheered me up thought you made yourself look like an idiot.

Not to trump sports day-well done son you did so well, mum I come last,, does not matter mummy so proud of you.

The boasters tend to be lol the ones who like tesco, love their babies, overuse the word babe ad call their daughters their princesses just remind myself they clearly unhinged and move on. I have had to hide a few annoying peoople.

But when set yourself up publicly like that then greater chance of public failure ie he was so bright but failed 11+ad going to very well performing sports academy instead.

Also few years ago and think this is true.

reports tend to have generic stuff and they codes for what they really mean but said in more polite way.

Ie shes very spirited and joyful=handful.
very confident=bossy

im sure if they took step back and analysed maybe not as glowing as they thnk.

Statistically not the entire nation can be gifted and talented maybe just the mumsnetters kids.

People tend to make everything seem positive spin like they their own pr and fb way to edit perfect life.

I still remember hell of senior parents evening year 7 god my parents were mad shouted at me and most years dad end up late they would row ad it would be strained and mum would fall pout with least one of my teachers

CloverkissSparklecheeks Thu 17-Oct-13 08:46:54

Exactly SirChenjin - what a silly thing to say about posting on an anonymous forum (the only place you can actually talk about stuff you can't in RL).

I would never discuss initimate/personal details about my relationship on FB but I may on here!!!

There is no harm in being proud of our DCs, I often post silly things about stuff they have achieved ie my son's headteachers award for 'excellent jumping', I also do put sporting achievements on there as my family like to hear how the DCs are getting on.

Rightly or wrongly I would not put academic stuff up there as some people are not particularly nice about stuff like that, they are usually the people that come across as jealous and also would post stuff like that about their own DCs but don't like it the other way round!

Fakebook Thu 17-Oct-13 08:49:15

We had parents evening last night and I got a phone call from the fb mum who posted about her dd last term exceeding at everything. She's apparently pissed off because the teacher isn't telling her if her dd is in "top set" for phonics and why she isn't because she's reading harder books than my DD. confused. This is a year 1 child. Dd is in the harder level group and is above average atm, which is funny because I didn't read one book with her during the summer...If this is what parents evening does to parents every year, I think I'll enjoy it for the next 16 years of my life!!

CloverkissSparklecheeks Thu 17-Oct-13 09:09:07

oh Fakebook that is so embarassing for her, people will think she's mad. My friend lied about the reading level her DS was on which is dreadful but part of me thinks she actually believes what she says, maybe this other mum is the same.

I think we all want our DCs to do well but sometimes they will not be at the top of the class, I have 2 very different DSs but am equally proud of them, it is sad that people feel the need to lie about their child's achievements or push for them to be 'top set'.

Preciousbane Thu 17-Oct-13 09:19:54

We have had some good parents evenings and great reports but I have never posted anything on FB about it.

I have discussed school reports with grandparents and Aunts and Uncles who are interested. When asked by parents with dc the same age as DS I just say fine because it would sound boastful as he has inherited his Fathers brain and not mine, thank God.

CloverkissSparklecheeks Thu 17-Oct-13 10:54:46

Same here precious, my usual line is oh he loves it and always nice to hear they have settled well!

moldingsunbeams Thu 17-Oct-13 11:01:26

I do not usually but posted the other day on Facebook because my dd has sen and has been trying to hard and has made massive progress in maths, I only have mostly close friends and family who know how difficult she finds it and therefore mostly care about this,

I do not get the people who post full school reports on facebook though and actually wanted to cry at them all last summer because dd's was terrible.

SirChenjin Thu 17-Oct-13 11:54:59

I had a friend once (notice past tense...) who was convinced her DD was gifted but the school just wouldn't recognise her talents and academic prowess. The school were perfectly capable of recognising prowess, and had moved a couple of the brighter kids into classes of older children for maths and literacy lessons. I put up with her moaning for so long and then had to tell (tactfully, natch!) her about those children - she was furious grin

Fortunately she moved her DD onto a private school not long after where she could shine wink grin

frumpet Thu 17-Oct-13 12:34:49

I detest 'proud mummy ' posts on facebook , boastful and boring and quite from the land of the seriously deluded . If my child does something spectacular i tend to tell THEM that i am proud of them , not a bunch of randoms on the internet smile

frumpet Thu 17-Oct-13 12:39:43

Actually thats not totally fair , if a child has achieved something special for them, then i dont mind seeing that , but its the constant stream of utter rubbish that galls me

CloverkissSparklecheeks Thu 17-Oct-13 12:43:29

The latest thing has been people posting photos of those 'young writers anthology' certificates for talented writers - errrr - everyone who enters wins a place in the published book!!

Hayleyh34 Thu 17-Oct-13 12:49:41

I'd never really bother to think of it as boasting, it's just proud parents.

Mind you I do disagree with those that have said it's always positive feedback. After 3 parents evenings with DD I can confirm that has not been the case with us grin

pinkballetflats Thu 17-Oct-13 12:55:39

It doesn't bother me: occasionally I'll roll my eyes a little but reality is merely perception (as some posts on this thread attest to) and if they're happy, good for them.

mumaa Thu 17-Oct-13 13:04:06

Its just online boasting, ignore it! Its like that advert with a 'real self' and a 'digital self' the digital self being far more interesting and amazing than your actual self... people like to create an image on these websites, most of the stuff on them is fluffed up or complete rubbish, ignore it

CloverkissSparklecheeks Thu 17-Oct-13 13:10:39

Proud parents are fine, I love to hear my friends DCs are doing well but its the lying about what they are achieving that is ridiulous.

In a different world I would be happy to share my DSs achievements as I am proud of him but if you genuinely have a 'bright' child it is considered boasting - it is however apparently ok to lie about your childs achievements grin

scattercushion Thu 17-Oct-13 13:16:07

Gore Vidal spoke the truth: 'When a friend succeeds, something inside me dies' - he would've hated Facebook! grin

BruthasTortoise Thu 17-Oct-13 13:24:31

I don't post about my kids reports, good, bad or other smile. I'm wondering though if all those who don't post about their kids' academics do post about their other achievements i.e. sports day, extra curricular activities, etc?

Arisbottle Thu 17-Oct-13 13:25:58

I have no issue with my friends sharing that they are proud of their children , surely that is part of being a friend.

FWIW dd2 had a less than glowing parent's evening .

CloverkissSparklecheeks Thu 17-Oct-13 13:51:25

I do share sporting/other achievements on FB but for some reason that seems ok. Neither of them are exceptional at sport so it doesn't feel weird to do so and other people seem to react in a lovely way to it. I did once at the start of my DS1s schooling put something on FB which did not go down well - I was very naive!

BruthasTortoise Thu 17-Oct-13 16:53:17

It does seem ok for some reason Clover, doesn't it? My kids are much more academic than sporty but I don't feel comfortable sharing their academics achievements incase I'm inadvertently making my friends feel bad. Don't feel the same about sports.

thebody Thu 17-Oct-13 16:59:52

oh good grief I just lie. my kids are both intellectual and sporting genius of course!!' ha bloody ha.

face book is full of crap. if you don't 'big up' your own kids then who will.

just lie like the rest of the parents out there.

Scatter: it isn't that it's friends succeeding. It's the fact that the only people who ever post this stuff on my FB feed are those whose children I know to be absolute horrors who are not doing really well. The ones who probably did get a 'perfect' report don't say anything. The main culprit is also the one that always posts about how wonderful her fiancé is etc. Their relationship is notoriously rocky!

Although it doesn't have me reaching for 'hide' as quickly as passive aggressive paranoia. You'd think the whole world was out to get some people.

exexpat Thu 17-Oct-13 17:05:18

The only one of my DCs' sporting achievements I have ever posted on FB was when DS came joint last in the whole-school cross-country race. Quite an achievement, that.

thebody Thu 17-Oct-13 17:45:58

exexpat grin

Arisbottle Thu 17-Oct-13 18:03:18

In that case arbitrary why not have a little compassion and understanding as to why they may be posting that parents evening was great.

Tbh my children cover the whole academic and sporting spectrum from perfectly behaved genius to can't be bothered and average. If they do something great I shout it from the rooftops. I wish my parents had bigger me up a little more.

CHJR Thu 17-Oct-13 18:10:24

It is very noticeable to me that the parents who boast the most are the ones who are insecure. Sometimes insecure about their children, but more often about themselves. Seriously, I'm not just spouting a cliche. Listen to them quietly and you'll notice... it's kind of sad.

CHJR Thu 17-Oct-13 18:14:15

As for FB, we have a firm rule against posting anything at all about our children now. The oldest is a teenager and he wants to be in control of his own public image and privacy. Quite right too.

Arisbottle: I have plenty of compassion for their personal situations. I was just noting the pattern among my FB friends. That said, the fact is that the loud FB protestations do not help them because it irritates people (which makes them less sympathetic). And, as others have pointed out, people don't necessarily know there's a problem (and that you might need help) if you are intent on pretending everything is wonderful to the world.

The passive-aggressive paranoid ones are scary and weird though. I have sympathy for them because I suspect there are serious mental health issues. But I can't help them and I don't really want to voyeuristically watch the train wreck. So I hide them and suggest to my stepdad (to whom they are related) that they might need a bit more support.

mrstigs Thu 17-Oct-13 19:32:00

I posted about ds's parents evening. He's had two really tough years in infant school, he really struggled socially although not academically. His behaviour was getting to the point where i was worried he'd disengage altogether. First term at the attached junior school and the teacher (who was well briefed before the start of term) was massively impressed. He is so far being fabulous and she said we should be proud of how hard he has tried to do his best. After two years of meetings with teachers that made me cry i was proud as hell and wanted to tell everyone! The people on my fb all know me and know how stressed I've been so it was natural to let them know that we've turned a corner. I do find some people take it too far though, and it seems to be the people where i know life aint as rosy as they make out. They put so much effort into maintaining this perfect virtual front it kind of makes me feel sad for them.

Trudyla Thu 17-Oct-13 19:36:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trudyla Thu 17-Oct-13 19:37:52

Sorry, wrong thread. As you were!

Donkeyok Fri 18-Oct-13 06:24:07

grin give the baby gin! hahah

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