To not want my bridesmaid to get a cut & colour 2 1/2 hours before my wedding?

(142 Posts)
Famzilla Mon 14-Oct-13 19:33:58

Getting married on Friday, low key registry office do with lunch & a boozy evening afterwards. Only 5 people attending the ceremony including DP and I.

My bridesmaid is my dear best friend, (let's call her Kerry) she is the kindest person you could ever wish to meet. She has done so much for me and I love her. However, she's a bit of an airhead bless her.

She was supposed to get a cut & colour on Saturday but our other friend the hairdresser cancelled. Our friend the hairdresser (let's call her Ann) said don't worry, I'll do it when I come round to do Famzillas hair on Friday morning. Kerry says that's fine.

I have a 6mo Velcro baby, who Kerry obviously knows and knows how un-putdownable she is. I was relying on Kerry to give me a hand with DD whilst I did my own make up and Ann put my hair up. But obviously now Kerry needs Ann to give her a cut & colour when she comes at 9.

She has it all planned out in her head and it sounds doable if DD didn't exist. But she does so I feel like I will be literally holding the baby for the entire morning desperately waiting for her to hurry up. We have to leave at 11.20 and as well as doing my own make up, getting my hair done and getting into dress etc.. DD will need her breakfast, a BF, a bath and then getting into her own outfit.

I would never let DD CIO. I am so stressed, this was supposed to be low key and easy but now I feel like a massive bridezilla. I keep saying I don't think it's gonna work and she keeps reassuring me that it'll be fine.

Am I being a bridezilla?

MissStrawberry Mon 14-Oct-13 19:38:25

No, you are not.

I would try again to talk to your friend. Ask who is going to hold the baby while you are getting ready, etc.

If she still doesn't get it you should talk to the hairdresser and see what she says.

WhoNickedMyName Mon 14-Oct-13 19:42:03

Sounds like you want a babysitter rather than a bridesmaid.

You could organise some other child care?


KirjavaTheCorpse Mon 14-Oct-13 19:45:08

Aren't bridesmaids supposed to help the bride, though?

OP is she aware that you were banking on her to help out with your daughter whilst you got ready? If you hadn't chatted about what was to happen and who was to do what, it might be that it never occured to her. Talk to her.

Failing that, could you enlist someone else to be around that morning?

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 14-Oct-13 19:45:52


I was coming on to see you were being precious, thinking that you were talking about an afternoon wedding but worried bridesmaid would have a hair malfunction or something. But in your circumstances, I do think you're allowed to point out that she is your "bride's maid" ie there to help you get to your wedding, and her plans just seem so likely to go wrong all round.

EatingAllTheCrumpets Mon 14-Oct-13 19:47:04

I understand you're frustrated but have to agree with WhoNickedMyName, she is a bridesmaid and not a babysitter. YABU

Is there anyone who can pop in for a short time to keep an eye on your DD for an hour?

Famzilla Mon 14-Oct-13 19:47:47

I could not arrange any other childcare. I have no family and our childminder will only have DD at her house which is no good.

Yes I suppose I do need a "babysitter". I just thought the purpose of a bridesmaid was to help the bride in whatever she needed help in. It's not even like I need her to have DD all morning, just whilst I did my make up. I could probably BF DD whilst getting my hair done.

theyoniwayisnorthwards Mon 14-Oct-13 19:54:02

YANBU. She should help you prepare for your wedding and stay calm. Sounds like she just doesn't get it. Lay it out clearly for her and if she tries to brush it off say "look maybe I am over thinking but it's my wedding and I want to be relaxed". If she still won't reorganise her hair etc get a babysitter. Ask a local nursery or another parent's babysitter, just have someone else there!

spookyspoonrulestheworld Mon 14-Oct-13 19:58:47

If she's having colour surely a large part of the 2.5 hours will just be her sitting around waiting for the colour to take - do you think that's her thinking?

The timings don't work anyhow, though, if it's going to take 2.5 hours and you only have 2 hrs 20 mins between the hairdresser arriving and having to leave.

TBH, I'd be as disappointed in the hairdresser friend who cancelled the appt - can't you ask her to come earlier, or the night before (to do your friend's cut and colour - not your hair!)

BrokenSunglasses Mon 14-Oct-13 20:00:19

To be fair to her, it's not her fault that the hairdresser cancelled and now wants to do it on your wedding morning. It's understandable that she wants her hair done for your wedding, presumably she will be having her picture taken while she's all done up to be a bridesmaid and just wants to look her best.

Can you talk to the hairdresser friend about it and see what she suggests?

Famzilla Mon 14-Oct-13 20:02:54

Oh I should obviously say that if I said "no, I don't want this to happen", she wouldn't do it. I just don't want to create an atmosphere or look back in a few months and think I've been an uber self absorbed bitch.

Famzilla Mon 14-Oct-13 20:06:01

Her plan is that I'll be getting my hair styled whilst her colour is setting, but obviously I'd need my make up done by the time that happens. I could get up before DD at 6am and do my make up but I'd look crapola by 12. Not to mention knackered.

Famzilla Mon 14-Oct-13 20:11:44

Oh and I fully agree that it's the hairdressers fault.

I have asked if she can get it done any other evening and even offered to drive her to and from the hairdressers house. Have also spelled out how difficult it will be with DD.

Feeling pretty shitty now tbh. Have tried to be so laid back, letting her pick her own dress etc and now I just can't be arsed. DP's mates have started asking if they can bring other people I don't like and it's all getting so far removed from my peaceful stress free wedding I'm not looking forward to it.

PumpkinGuts Mon 14-Oct-13 20:14:18

Agree with WhoNickedMyName I'm afraid.

ImperialBlether Mon 14-Oct-13 20:14:42

She's being really selfish. It's your day and she's there to help you.

Ask her to please get it done beforehand because you'll need her to help you. If she refuses, I think you'll be better off without her at your house, tbh.

Maybe consider dropping your DD off at the childminder's for a couple of hours?

ImperialBlether Mon 14-Oct-13 20:15:30

Tell your DP to tell his mates NO they can't bring whoever they like - it's a wedding ffs!

misspontypine Mon 14-Oct-13 20:19:53

Could you send the baby and a bottle of expressed milk with your dp? Men don't really have to do much to get ready for a wedding.

stiffstink Mon 14-Oct-13 20:24:31


My friend is getting married next year and will have a 9m old. I don't expect to be asked to be a BM but if I was I sure as shit wouldn't be organising my own hair & beauty appointments on the wedding day. It'd be mad. Its meant to be relaxing for the bride!

I can't imagine having a woman in a wedding dress, a baby, an airhead and hair dye in the same location either. That will go tits up.

cingolimama Mon 14-Oct-13 20:49:35

YANBU. It is perfectly reasonable to expect your bridesmaid to help you a bit with the baby while you're getting fabulous. Far far too much time will be spent on colouring and cutting your friends hair, and for me, the timing just doesn't work. Instead of a lovely relaxed and exciting time, you'll be stressed. You don't need it. Your friend can get a cut and colour another day. Please just tell her no (nicely) that will not work.

Congratulations by the way, and have a lovely day!

KirjavaTheCorpse Mon 14-Oct-13 20:51:51

Also, at the risk of sounding like a bridezilla myself, isn't it your day to be pampered?

kali110 Mon 14-Oct-13 21:13:48

Not sure which to be honest. Yes a bm is to help the bride, however its not her job to be a babysitter which from your post only really sounds like you want her there just to do that.

Famzilla Mon 14-Oct-13 21:37:00

I can promise you there are many more reasons I want my lifelong best friend to be present throughout my wedding day, not just to look after my baby for an hour. hmm

cakebar Mon 14-Oct-13 21:49:46

YANBU and you should tell her to rearrange but really, the suggestion of your dp looking after baby instead of you sounds a really good one - what are his plans?

YoureBeingADick Mon 14-Oct-13 21:55:01

why cant DD spend the morning with your fiancé who wont have the whole hair, make-up, getting into a dress issue to deal with? express some milk and send her off to him for the morning. surely the child's father would be the first person you'd ask to look after her if you need to get ready?

Famzilla Mon 14-Oct-13 22:15:22

Well he was staying away to sort of follow the tradition of not seeing each other etc, plus I wanted to arrive with DD as a little flower girl and walk in with her IYSWIM. It's a good idea though, bridesmaid is going to try and get it done Thursday (after some spelling out) but if it doesn't work out then I may well just thrust her in his general direction.

YoureBeingADick Mon 14-Oct-13 22:19:26

he can still stay away. have best friend/parents/someone bring DD to him when the hairdresser arrives and they can take her to the registry office and give her to bridesmaid when you arrive there. he should be doing his bit aswell to make this an enjoyable day for you and not letting you struggle with a baby on your hip while trying to get your hair and make-up done.

mantlepiece Mon 14-Oct-13 22:20:58

I would not like the idea of a cut and colour in my house any time even without the wedding or baby to jiggle.

There will be DYE in bathroom on towels god forbid none gets on the wedding outfits... then little bits of hair cuttings everywhere.. just no.

Famzilla Mon 14-Oct-13 23:08:47

Mantle, that was also a big problem but I didn't want to be told I was being precious about mess. I don't even have any towels I'd want to sacrifice for the occasion. I like my towels, they'd have to share the dogs.

Best friend doesn't drive and I have no family. I suppose I could always send the childminder to pick her up and take her to him as she was being paid for that day anyways. <schemes>

YoureBeingADick Mon 14-Oct-13 23:14:18

yes! if CMer is being paid for the day then use her for what you need. make this as easy on yourself as possible. you don't need to be stressing on your wedding day. I also would worry about mess if i'm honest. could hairdresser do friend's hair at friend's house then both travel to yours?

Famzilla Mon 14-Oct-13 23:36:36

Hopefully bridesmaid will be having her hair done the night before now, after I explained just how difficult it would be for me if I had to wait around for her to get her hair done. I only need her to take care of DD whilst I do my make up, I don't think that's too much to ask of your best friend on your wedding day.

I think maybe because we're all quite young, and DD is obviously a relatively new thing she just didn't think it through. The hairdresser should have though, the amount of time I've chased her toddler round with acetone scrubbing shellac off the furniture kept her baby entertained whilst she's been busy with clients!

Or maybe they just don't care. Sob.

quoteunquote Mon 14-Oct-13 23:44:44

DD goes with her dad the night before(good night sleep for you), delivered back to you by someone (best man/and him) so he doesn't have to come in), fed and clean, half an hour before you leave.

Ask hairdresser friend to do bridesmaid s hair one night this week.

or elope.

thegoldenfool Tue 15-Oct-13 08:38:54

have a lovely day - this will hopefully all fade into insignificance


WaitMonkey Tue 15-Oct-13 09:30:00

I read this last night. YANBU. Apart from the fact it's your wedding day, I wouldn't let anyone dye their hair in my bathroom. The mess !

Could the childminder get DD ready at her house, and either drop her back with you at 11am or you pick her up on the way?

I hope it all works out smoothly for you - sounds like bm is being reasonable now - but I think you should consider using professional help that morning just so it's another job you can tick off your list and be confident is being done properly.

Best wishes for your big day!

Dubjackeen Tue 15-Oct-13 09:42:16

YANBU! Daft idea, in my opinion, anyone even thinking of doing a colour in your home, on the morning of your wedding. Hopefully, they have seen sense, get it done beforehand, elsewhere, get dye on their own towels!
Have a lovely day. flowers

specialsubject Tue 15-Oct-13 10:02:03

ignoring all the other detail, get your fiance to look after the baby. Obvious solution.

and those dyeing their hair bring their own towels!!

Davsmum Tue 15-Oct-13 10:15:09

I can't believe you have a baby who cannot be put down - AT ALL?
How do you manage to do anything when you are on your own with your baby?

kali110 Tue 15-Oct-13 14:12:18

Do none of you dye your own hair? I do my roots highlights n neon streaks without making a mess. Plus the gairdresser should be able to do others hair without getting dye everywhere.

FeckOffCupofBatBlood Tue 15-Oct-13 14:17:13

YANBU, I would be telling the bridesmaid she either gets the cut and colour done the night before or forgets it and only gets it styled/pinned up on the day to save time.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 15-Oct-13 14:27:19

Yab a bit U reasonable in afraid. Your BM was not reposible for the hairdresser changing schedule and it's not her fault you won't put the baby down. Just send her to the CM as your paying her anyway.

I hope your day goes oh but it sounds like there are higher issues her than dd and your BM. You don't sound to sure about it tbh. thanks

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 15-Oct-13 14:27:40

Bigger issues

Famzilla Tue 15-Oct-13 14:38:44

I put her in the sling obviously. Have you tried to do make up with a 6mo in a sling? They try to grab whatever you're holding because it's much more interesting than staring at your shoulders.

And yes, she screams her head off until she chokes and vomits if I put her down. You may think I'm just being PFB but you've obviously never met a high needs baby if you don't believe me. Lucky you.

No bigger problems other that I'm not one of those girls who has ever wanted a "wedding". I want to be married sure, but I hate all the stress and faffing that comes with weddings. Hence my trying to keep it as low key and easy as possible. It's been a fucking awful year and I just want to marry the love of my life in peace arrrrrrghhhhhh!

I need wine

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 15-Oct-13 14:43:16

How does the childminder deal with it? I'm assuming she must put her down have you asked her what she does?

Famzilla Tue 15-Oct-13 14:49:07

She is in the sling with the childminder or one of the other mindees plays with her. DD interacts really well with the other children there and the CM says they love playing with her, (tbh it has saved my sanity as I was getting incredibly down about how exhausting and relentless she is.)

CM only has 3 mindees at a time and never more that 1 baby in that number.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 15-Oct-13 15:00:33

Have you got a sling that faces outwards ? Mirrors fascinate babies you could do your make up whale she looks in the mirror.

Is there nothing that will distract her for five mins to do your make up? Bounced chair:door bouncer/ fish tank/ lava lamp/tv/ rusk or baby snack /toy of some kind/keys anything that would buy you a few mins peace.

Famzilla Tue 15-Oct-13 15:30:56

It's going to take a lot longer than 5 minutes to do my make up! (Ex model - like to do things extensively properly).

We have an ergo so not outwards facing, although my friend gave us a stokke one the other day which might. I can't figure it out and no-one else seems to have heard of it confused

Have just asked CM to have her 8-10.30. (She usually has her in the afternoon) Fingers crossed!

pixiepotter Tue 15-Oct-13 16:58:24

The bridesmaid wants to look nice too! you need to sort out some childcare.

Famzilla Tue 15-Oct-13 17:10:27

Pixie the bridesmaid has had the entire week to get her hair done. Also I don't think you've read the entire thread.

Threalamandaclarke Tue 15-Oct-13 17:22:00

So can her hair be done on Thursday night? That makes more sense. I don't think YAbu tbh. I find it difficult to do anything at all with my 8 mo around. I'm sure your friend wants to help you. That's what bridesmaids do. I'm very surprised that anyone would think you are bu.
Also PFB is a ghastly term.
Have a fabulous day on Friday.

Sunnysummer Tue 15-Oct-13 17:34:50

Hope it works out with the CM - I dot think YANBU, though it does sound like she is being clueless more than selfish. Does she have kids herself? Like you I am a fairly young mum, and do notice that lots of my friends don't really understand the extra challenges of being with a baby (and I also cringe when I think back to my own pre-baby days blush). Agree that it makes most sense for her to have her hair done before the day or at minimum first thing, so you are not stressed about your own timing.

Congratulations and have a great day! smile

PotPourri Tue 15-Oct-13 17:45:08

You need to be clear with her about the things you are worried about - be specific. And have a back up plan about what happens with the baby - is there a neighbour that could hold the baby for a while?

If you hadn't really discussed her needing to hold the baby all morning, then it's not fair to expect her to know that is what you expect.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 15-Oct-13 17:46:57

But did you even tell your BM? I mean tbh it would have made sense to me to get the hair done when at yours of that's what the hairdresser said. I would have felt bad being awkward and saying "actually no can you do it - instead".

And honestly it probably wouldn't have occurred to me that I'd be on baby duty, I'd just assume baby would just be kicking about on the floor or with someone else. I doubt she meant anything buy it.

Famzilla Tue 15-Oct-13 19:46:00

I obviously don't expect her to hold the baby all morning, just for about 45 minutes whilst I do my make up. Also a cut a colour for her would take about 2 hours so she would be spending a very large chunk of our short morning getting her hair done. Getting it styled I don't have a problem with obviously. Spending almost all of our morning sitting in my lounge making a hairy mess whilst I get ready for my wedding day alone and totally unaided I do have a problem with.

And there's no way she would assume there is someone else about to help. She is my best friend, she knows every last little detail of my life. She knows I have no parents, siblings, inlaws etc to help. She knew she was going to be the only one there and she knew that she would be helping me with DD as we've been planning the night before and the morning of our wedding for weeks.

I can't ask another friend to help. Can you imagine the thread? "Friend sends STD card for wedding but turns out I'm not invited, she just wanted me to hold the baby all morning whilst her bridesmaid got pampered and she spent the morning alone in her room doing all her wedding preparations..."

Sorry, I'm really stressing at the thought that I'm being a bitch. blush

To the poster who asked if she has kids, no she doesn't. We're in our mid twenties so still quite young and I get that she doesn't get it.

She has said she'll try to leave work early and get it done on Thursday. She finishes work at 4.30 and I've even offered to pick her up from work and drop her off, then pick her up again 2 hours later. This is a good 45 minutes both ways on the night before my wedding. I'm trying to compromise!

Have also text the childminder about having DD Friday morning if BM doesn't get her hair done Thursday.


Davsmum Wed 16-Oct-13 09:02:59

I think you are sounding a bit like a control freak.
You can get your make up done while the BM has the colour on her hair. It takes a while to 'take'
It is probably just as well you are not having a big wedding if this one issue is stressing you out - but the main issue is you need to sort out the problem with the baby because it seems like you have created what you call a 'high needs baby' The baby should be able to sit in a bouncy chair or even have a nap. You could ask advice from your health visitor?

Still, it would help if your friend would just sort her hair out before Friday ;)

Regardless of the reason, a bm should expect to be at the bride's full disposal on the morning of the wedding, particularly a relatively early wedding. The daughter and the hair are almost irrelevant - the bridesmaid should be making breakfast or telling op how beautiful she is, or checking that the flowers have arrived on time, or whatever, not spending nearly all the time getting herself ready.

deXavia Wed 16-Oct-13 09:17:54

So who has the baby for the lunch (maybe you) and for the boozy evening (presumably not you)? I do think alternative child care is the answer if she can't get it done on Thursday evening. You're not being Bridezilla but you are now out of time as the hairdresser let you down upfront and understandably your BM doesn't get how difficult it will be.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 09:19:41

So bridesmaid translates as skivvy then?

Note to self never accept a bridesmaid offer. No one tells me when I can get my own hair done.

Not skivvy, friend and supporter. She isn't just there to make the photos balance hmm

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 09:21:57

When are they allowed to get ready then?

lborolass Wed 16-Oct-13 09:29:17

There are some pretty harsh posts here.

I think it's quite reasonable to expect the BM to be around to help in the morning before the wedding and it's certainly not unreasonable for the OP to want to enjoy getting ready without worrying about her DD (45 mins for make up though shockgrin)

It makes me laugh that the go to answer for all problems is a sling - should this be worn over the wedding dress?

Hope you have a good day OP

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 09:32:42

She is going to be around.though. A cut and colour doesn't take long. Sure she will make any relevant calls while colour is setting or whatever.

It was the hairdresser that suggested it.

Pogosticks Wed 16-Oct-13 09:46:29

YANBU. Of course the bridesmaid shouldn't spend most of the morning getting her hair done, when she can do it another time. And especially when you don't have parents, you need practical and emotional support and attention from someone on a significant day.

Maybe I am biased as I really felt it not having my mum on my wedding day. I didn't get to do that 'bride walks downstairs while parents shed tears of joy' cliche bit.

Good luck with the wedding and congratulations. I hope you have a wonderful day.

of course yanbu.

not at all. good luck, hope it goes well.

Conina Wed 16-Oct-13 09:51:50

Gosh. OP first I hope you have a lovely day. I too had a Velcro baby and I'm glad you've discovered the phrase high needs cos until I did, I felt so crap as a parent what with comments like previous posters who just didnt "get" what it was like.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think you
may have to focus on what you can kinda control. The hair thing has grown to this big problem. I get why totally but lets work out solution s. Theres the cm and your dp. Sort out with one of them. Even just for an hour yhen take dd back and dress her. Side step the problem and have a calmer day today.

[Flowers] for the bride x

PansOnFire Wed 16-Oct-13 09:57:47

YANBU at all - it's not like you're having a massive bridezilla wedding, it's very low key. I don't think it's UR for you to expect your bridesmaid (aka good friend) to watch your baby whilst you get sorted. Most people struggle to get ready for a normal day with a 6 month old!

I think your friend is being a bit selfish, it might not be her fault that the hairdresser cancelled but to agree to have her hair done on the morning of your wedding was quite stupid. You probably come across as someone who just gets on with it so she probably didn't realise that she'd be needed, or she doesn't realise that a baby doesn't always just slot into your plans. Either way, she's UR and I think the appointment should be rearranged. Surely, if the hairdresser is a mutual friend you could talk to her about it? One of them should see sense! Good luck.

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 10:00:40

Haha oh I've developed a high needs baby!? Oh do fuck off with your ignorant comments. Bully for you and your fucking perfect non-reflux babies.

What a horrible thing to say. Maybe I should ask my health visitor how to deal with judgemental bitches who think I created my own child's health problems with exploding in a fit of rage.

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 10:23:28

Sorry, as I said it's been a terrible year. Probably shouldn't have posted on AIBU if I wasn't prepared for a flaming but I never thought someone would actually accuse me of creating my daughters problems.

To everyone else who wished me luck, Thankyou. I'm glad there's someone else who understands what it's going to be like not having your parents there on your wedding day. I think I may be projecting a lot of my hurt surrounding that onto the day itself. If my mum was around she 'd take care of DD etc. I've coped alone with her as DP cannot afford to take time off work and tbh I think the wedding has really just hit home that I don't have any support.

And the posters who say they wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid because no one tells them what to do blah blah. If they can't give their best friend a couple of hours of her time on her wedding day, I'm sure the problem will never arise wink

Davsmum Wed 16-Oct-13 10:32:38

No one said you created your child's HEALTH problems! The suggestion is you may have created the need for your baby to be held ALL the time by holding her all the time! - and not getting advice on how to settle her somewhere other than having to be held!

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 10:42:37

You assumed I haven't got any advice and laid into me on that basis. I have seen health visitors, paediatricians, cranial osteopaths and bawled my eyes out begging for help in the GP's surgery more times that I care to remember.

Maybe you should stop and think next time you feel like kicking an obviously desperate mother when she's already down.

Alwayscheerful Wed 16-Oct-13 10:44:17

I try and avoid dying hair at home due to the mess in the bathroom and on the towels but I can tell you nail varnish remover is good to at removing splashes of hair dye from the toilet seat and tiles.

I try to avoid having a colour on the day of a special event, I would rather have it done a few days in advance and avoid the tell tale signs around the hairline and on the scalp. Recently dyed hair is better after a couple of washes.

It might be a little selfish but YANBU to expect a little help on your wedding day and wanting your friend to help you, she is probably just excited and too young to realise its all about you and your day.

You sound very stressed already, just try and relax and enjoy the day.

GiveItYourBestShot Wed 16-Oct-13 11:00:04

Hi OP, wanted to send you some thanks. Of course your bridesmaid shouldn't be getting her hair dyed in your house on the morning of your wedding! I'm glad you've been able to talk about it with her and reach a compromise. FWIW, my dad rocked up late on the morning of my wedding because he'd been consoling my brother, his girlfriend had dumped him and he'd decided to bring a random stranger to my wedding instead. But I didn't care because my bridesmaids and I were having a laugh (and some booze). It needs to be as stress-free as possible. I hope you have the day you want.

therewearethen Wed 16-Oct-13 11:02:34

DD2 is a bit of a Velcro baby, I give her a bottle on my lap whilst attempting to shove some make up on every morning and it's hard work when she's grabbing everything. Doing this on my wedding day would stress me out completely!

Can you say roughly where you live, maybe a viper is free to help out? wink

choceyes Wed 16-Oct-13 11:06:57

OFcourse YANBU.
I had a velcro baby and she didn't even have any health problems. She simply didn't want to be put down - so sling it was. So what? I hate when people say that you CREATE the need for baby to be held all the time - so what? They are babies, they are so young that's what they need! What's the other option, let them CIO? That would have stressed me out even more! My frist DC was totally happy to be put down anywhere. Presumably I parented both of them the same, not all babies are the same.
Hope you have a lovely wedding day OP.

spookyspoonrulestheworld Wed 16-Oct-13 11:14:27

"it seems like you have created what you call a 'high needs baby' The baby should be able to sit in a bouncy chair or even have a nap"

Attitudes like this make me really sad

My first was like this and it was so lonely and depressing. I remember getting a motorised swing when she was about 8 weeks and being able to eat a meal with 2 hands for the first time in two months.

Some babies are just like this - and OP, they DO grow out of it, I promise.

But why would you kick someone who is already suffering with smug comments like that?

Do you know what? It was a bloody struggle with my first but I held her as much as she wanted and never left her to cry and she's a happy, well adjusted five year old now.

I treated her sister exactly the same, and she just happened to be one of those babies who did sit happily in a bouncy hair or nod off on a playmat - I did not 'create' anything in either of them.

Your bridesmaid is BU, OP, as is the friend who suggested crowbarring the appt in on the morning of your wedding.

Good friend's have a bit of respect for important moments in their friend's lives and do what they can to help. You only need a couple of hours from her, it's not too much to ask.

spookyspoonrulestheworld Wed 16-Oct-13 11:14:50

(arrh! please forgive the rogue apostrophe in good friend's!) blush

spookyspoonrulestheworld Wed 16-Oct-13 11:16:35

And good luck for Friday, Famzila - if you are anywhere in Bucks I will happily come along and jiggle your DD for a couple of hours grin

leddeeburdee Wed 16-Oct-13 11:18:08

YANBU. I had a velcro baby, those who say you created that situation simply have no idea. As you say, lucky them! From what I can see you are going out of your way to resolve the situation, and even if your baby wasn't there in the morning, it's not unreasonable to want to spend time with your bridesmaid getting ready together.
I hope you have a terrific day and I hope that your friend manages to get her hair done the day after work as you've suggested. Best of luck smile

QueenArseClangers Wed 16-Oct-13 12:00:51

I'm puzzled that your friend hasn't thought of going to another hairdresser. Is there only one hairdresser in the village?
Ignore negative posters with their Gina Ford cocking shit attitudes. Have a lovely day.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 12:33:00

I'm sorry I just feel sorry for the BM. She's supposed to psychically know things when she doesn't have her own kids and wouldn't naturally think of these things, and accepted an offer from SOMEONE else which seemed to make sense and probably thought it would be fun to do it together, or tht it saves putting the friend out by making her come out twice. Not to mention the money she might save as it's a friend doing the hair.

She probably has no idea that her friends moaning about her behind her back and calling her an airhead.

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 13:39:56

It's not psychic when we've been discussing it for weeks.

I'm not saying anything on here I haven't said to her face. She knows I think she's a scatterbrain. It's a running joke that she only understands things that involve kittens and rainbows. I haven't been horrible to her at any point, haven't stamped my feet or shouted.

This girl also does her hair frequently, and has done for years.

So all your reasoning for pitying a poor bridesmaid, for being asked to hold a baby she knows and loves for 45 minutes on her best friends wedding day are frankly invalid because they're not true.

Not that it matters, because she is getting her hair done tomorrow. She even apologised and said it was a daft idea anyways and just went along with it without thinking. I then told her that on her wedding day I have a roast dinner with copious amounts of gravy planned for an hour before the ceremony. We can eat it in the car. She laughed, it's all good.

Thanks to everyone else who offered help and ideas, and who didn't make me out to be a baby destroying self obsessed control freak bridezilla.

Now I can finally get nervous about saying the wrong things, being sicked on at the door and my dress ripping instead of stuff that should never have happened in the first place.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 13:49:21

Then why the need for the thread?? All you had to do was ask her. If you hadn't had doubts that you were being at least a bit unreasonable and she knows she's an "airhead" and it's an in joke then there was no need for any of this.

I'm not saying holding a baby is a big ask, I'm just trying to point out that to someone who's childless and to most of us who work and have stuff of our own to remember and ergo might forget the odd thing someone else told them, they might well just not have thought. I mean sure, before and after kids I woulda realised that things perhaps would have been arranged around nap times/feed times etc. But it wouldn't have occurred to me that things would have been arranged around not putting a baby down ever.

So yeah I so feel she's got a bit of a bad press for something that wasn't intentioned in anyway to upset or stress out anyone.

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 14:00:37

Does it matter if she got a bad press on an Internet forum she will never go on when there is no identifying information about her? Really?

I didn't realise the thread police were about, stopping people from canvassing opinions before they said something incase a random unnamed and non-identifiable person somewhere in this planet of 6 billion people may be thought negatively of. Jesus wept.

spookyspoonrulestheworld Wed 16-Oct-13 14:04:43

Giles- the OP had already raised it with the bridesmaid:

"I keep saying I don't think it's gonna work and she keeps reassuring me that it'll be fine."

And why shouldn't the OP post for reassurance? She wanted to get some perspective that wasn't coloured by her own wedding stress. It's not down to you to decide whether or not people have a right to post here.

And I wouldn't feel too sorry for the bridesmaid - I might not have known a lot about children before I had them but I think I could have worked out that spending the morning at someone's house getting my own hair coloured while they got ready for their wedding probably wasn't the most sensible or sensitive decision - small child or not!

angeltulips Wed 16-Oct-13 15:55:51

I came on to say that I thought yanbu & your bm needed to wind your neck in. But you've come across as an absolute knob on this thread so I shan't. As that other poster says, why did you start the thread if you were so sure you were unassailably right that you were going to be rude to posters you suggested potential reasons why ymbu?

Davsmum Wed 16-Oct-13 16:13:12

She wanted to get some perspective that wasn't coloured by her own wedding stress.
No - She wanted everyone to agree with her. That has become obvious from her rants whenever anyone has not agreed with her.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 16:21:21

I was thinking the exact same thing davsmum

Nice as pie to those who agree then drip feeding more reasons why she Is right when someone points out that they disagree.

Davsmum Wed 16-Oct-13 16:23:16

By the way - That's a horrible phrase - 'Velcro baby'

Perhaps in some cases it may be 'Velcro Mum' ( perish the thought!!!)

ILoveCwtches Wed 16-Oct-13 16:41:35

I'm very glad you have sorted out the problem and I hope you have a wonderful day.

I have been bridesmaid 3 times over the last 10 months. I was 22 wks pregnant the 1st time and had a 4/5mo dd the last twice. Each time I did my best to be as helpful as possible to the bride, including hand holding, garter adjusting and baby sitting) and put my own getting ready second (despite dd being at the last 2 weddings and being an ebf bottle refuser).

Your friend sounds lovely and I'm glad she's realised what a daft idea it was.

Ignore the people who had said unkind things. She's your baby and it's your wedding day.


TheGhostofAmandaClarke Wed 16-Oct-13 16:51:21

There are some unpleasant posts on this thread criticising the OP's parenting and making some hurtful personal remarks.
YANBU. Either in wanting your bm to not have a hair colouring appt on the morning of your wedding confused or in posting about it.
I wonder if you'd have received more sympathy if, instead of an ex model, you had told us you were an overweight introvert wink.
Anyway, have a great day on Friday.
It's great that your friend has rescheduled the appointment.just remember not to post here about expecting anyone to remember or recognise either your anniversary or your birthday. grin

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 17:19:02

Oh I'm an overweight introvert these days anyways. Too busy giving my baby an insecure attachment to me so I can never go back to the gym wink

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Wed 16-Oct-13 17:24:36


FruitSaladIsNotPudding Wed 16-Oct-13 17:38:35

You've had some horrible replies famzilla! I'm glad you got it sorted, your friend sounds great really.

If it helps, my dd was a total Velcro baby, and I also got accused of making her that way. Well, she's 3.5 now and a confident, independent girl who marches into school nursery every day without a backward glance. Oh, and my dd2, who I parented in EXACTLY the same way, is completely unclingy. Totally different child.

Good luck with your wedding, and rest assured you're doing a great job, and your dd won't always be this tricky.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 17:48:17


I've tried to word my post so as not you come across as harsh or agressive (apologies if that's how it came across though) and merely explain what parts I feel were unreasonable and that I think the BM got a bit if a raw deal in the posts. The op however had ranted and told people to F off while posters all supposedly agree that this woman should be ready to jump whenever op says. So she didn't think things through, we have all done that but for heavens sake there are going to Be THREE adults in the house, plus there's the CM she mentioned she text and of course the Fiancé and yet neither of them can deal with ONE six month old baby between them.

Anyway it's all worked out fine now BM saw the error in her apparently unreasonable thoughtless ways and it's all sorted. I still feel sorry for the BM though as her friend has a very nasty attitude when things don't go her way.

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 17:57:29

Nah, saying you feel sorry for my best friend because I'm nasty when I don't get my own way isn't harsh or aggressive .

I told the poster who insinuated I had made my baby the way she is to fuck off, yes. When I get accused of damaging my child by a stranger who knows nothing of the struggle I have had it will probably give me the rage. Good for you if you can smile and nod when your parenting is under scrutiny.

shewhowines Wed 16-Oct-13 18:06:11

There's a huge difference between having you hair cut and dyed and having it styled for the day. The first is a time consuming pre day chore, the latter is an exciting part of the big day.

YANBU and are receiving a very unnecessary and unjust roasting. Have a fab day.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 18:09:18

There you go again, your posts to anyone who disagrees oozes hostility.

This is a women you profess to love and care about and yet your posts portray such a low opinion of her.

Those ongoing jokes aren't funny, I'd be surprised if on some level despite laughing that she would find it all a bit hurtful.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Wed 16-Oct-13 18:14:20

"I've tried to word my post so as not [to] come across as harsh or aggressive" sadly, you appear to have failed in this respect Gileswithachainsaw it's her wedding day. And she's stressed. And she just doesn't need her bm having a couple of hours' worth of hair doing done on the morning of her wedding.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Wed 16-Oct-13 18:19:26

I don't get the impression that OP has a low opinion of her friend fwiw.

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 18:20:59

You don't know me, or her.

Stop projecting your own personal taste onto complete strangers. She's not crying herself to sleep because I think she's dappy, and I'm not crying myself to sleep because of all the little things she takes the piss out of me for.

We're best friends, we argue, take the piss, and ask too much of each other. It may not be your cup of tea but that doesn't really matter does it? It works for us.

Now please stop going on.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 16-Oct-13 18:32:51

No I don't know you. Perhaps that's just as well. I'd hate to turn up on an AIBU thread if I accidentally pissed you off.

Oh wait.........

Still, I would never ever ever start a thread even amongst strangers about my best friend who's only crime is to not be as sharp as other people. She can't help that, not everyone's born with the ability to be quick thinking or make the best decisions all the time.

HandragsAndGladbags Wed 16-Oct-13 18:39:11

Christ on a bike!

How can anyone think it is reasonable to turn up at a brides house 3 hours before a wedding ceremony and have a cut and colour in said bride's house?! How?!! Of course it is unreasonable! She has had weeks to sort herself out, even if you take the baby out of it, it is ridiculously unreasonable.

Your friend is a drip to even suggest it.

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 18:43:14

Your insistence on making me out to be the wicked tyrant ruining my poor wittle friends life is getting kinda weird now biscuit

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Wed 16-Oct-13 18:53:05

All op has asked is if she is bu to not want her bm to have her hair cut and coloured on the morning of her (OP's in case that wasn't clear) wedding.
Well of course she's not bu. it's a crazy notion.
Giles your comments are unkind and uncalled for.

JulieAnderton Wed 16-Oct-13 18:57:19

Whoa, some really harsh replies here.

OP, you are not being unreasonable. Even if there wasn't a 6 month old to consider, it's not particularly thoughtful for a bridesmaid think its sensible for her to get her hair cold in your house hours before the ceremony.

Sympathies for having a high needs baby. It must be very stressful.

JulieAnderton Wed 16-Oct-13 18:58:07


kali110 Wed 16-Oct-13 19:03:04

Even though i can see both sides i hope you Have a lovely day fri op.

Whichever poster who said about the dye around hairlines, a good hairdresser shouldnt leave any.
If your diy then when washing the dye off rub your hairline as colour removes colour.

Davsmum Wed 16-Oct-13 19:13:18

I told the poster who insinuated I had made my baby the way she is to fuck off, yes. When I get accused of damaging my child by a stranger who knows nothing of the struggle I have had it will probably give me the rage. Good for you if you can smile and nod when your parenting is under scrutiny.

NO ONE said you have damaged your child!! If you go around changing what people say then its no wonder you get criticised! Exaggeration and drama instead of sticking to the facts!

What is it about some mothers that they just cannot take any suggestion that THEY may be responsible for a situation?

As for the other poster who says she also had a 'velcro child' and now that child is a confident 3 year old - No one suggested she wouldn't or couldn't be. The comments were aimed at the problems the OP is facing NOW!

The main problem here seems to be the OP has a child who HAS to be held constantly and yet the BM was getting the blame.
Well,.. TBH I doubt the child does have to be held all the time. The OP just does not know how to deal with the situation but would prefer to announce there IS no solution. If she can't do it - it cannot be done.

OP has been extremely unpleasant.

chimchiminee Wed 16-Oct-13 19:16:26

YANBU and I thought your response to the poster suggesting you created your DD's clingyness was positively restrained grin.

Enjoy your day!

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Wed 16-Oct-13 19:21:53

What Chimchiminee said.

Famzilla Wed 16-Oct-13 19:23:54

Davsmum. Go and hang out with a paediatrician for the day, get them to show you a baby with reflux.

Now imagine being the mother to that baby as you desperately try to feed and it shrieks in terror at the sight of your boob or a bottle because all they know is eating=pain.

Then hold them as they scream in pain for what seems like an eternity afterwards. They need to be held upright because when they're laid down it makes the reflux worse. You can try and put her down to -- open a bottle of wine-- make a cup of tea but then you have to listen to her frightened desperate little screams and clean up all the vomit. Then you have to feed her again, good luck with that.

Walk a mile in someone shoes before you think you can do so much better than them.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Wed 16-Oct-13 19:27:49

No. The BM was not getting the blame.
FFS. Outrageous post Davsum. Really mean spirited.

JulieAnderton Wed 16-Oct-13 20:04:17

Famzilla did not create the situation with her baby. Some babies are happy to be put down in a bouncy chair, others are not. My friend had a "high needs" baby. He cried/whined pretty much constantly from birth untilhe was about a year. Only slightly less so when being held or or in the same room as his mother. Bloody exhausting and nothing my friend had created. In fact it is darn right insulting if people looking on thought that she hadn't tried every solution under the sun to help her DS.

HandragsAndGladbags Wed 16-Oct-13 20:06:51

"The main problem here seems to be the OP has a child who HAS to be held constantly and yet the BM was getting the blame."

No, the main problem originally was an idiot BM who thought dying her hair in a brides house hours before the wedding was a good idea.

Now the main problem seems to be people trying to give the OP a kicking for not welcoming the ridiculous situation above with open arms.

JulieAnderton Wed 16-Oct-13 20:07:45

Have some flowers Famzilla - wishing you a brilliant and stress-free wedding day.

Carriemac Wed 16-Oct-13 21:31:54

have an amazing day! yANBU at all
BM is thoughtless and you sound lovely

LongTailedTit Wed 16-Oct-13 23:18:57

Glad everything got resolved OP, have a lovely day on Friday! thanks

Fingers crossed your DDs reflux eases soon, DS was v v similar, it does get better, and eventually stops. I don't blame you for replying as you did to those that don't understand, I was shouting "Fuck off!" in my head as I read their posts too! grin

Chandra Thu 17-Oct-13 00:07:51

I think she is neing unreasonable, but what about your soon to be DH? Can he entertain the baby for a couple of hours? Men do need to spend souch time in getting dressed or do make up.

Chandra Thu 17-Oct-13 00:08:09

Oops ctossposted

Thisghosttrainisreversing Thu 17-Oct-13 00:10:37

I was stressed out on the morning of my wedding.

I was doing my own make-up so after going to the hairdressers I had to rush home get myself and my 14month old ready while my mum, bridesmaid and bridesmaid's mum stood around chatting. When I tried to do my make-up in my only big mirror my bridesmaid kept hogging it to do hers!

I was really pissed off that my bridesmaid didn't help me enjoy my day so I totally get your annoyance op.

randomAXEofkindness Thu 17-Oct-13 07:54:44

Giles & davsmum - My immediate thoughts are that you're talking so much shite that it must be a wind up. But I can't be bothered to look at your history so I'll just hope you're trolls and not regulars.

You were not being unreasonable OP.

First of all, you sound like a thoroughly decent mum, and if Gina Ford up there agreed with you, you'd be in BIG trouble! So don't sweat it.

I do wedding hair sometimes. On the last job I did, the bride had her 5 month old with her while she was getting ready. Her mum, a bridesmaid, and a couple of other relatives were in the suite for a good portion of the time. They talked to the baby now and again (he was remarkably relaxed in the floor anyway) but when he did start to fuss and needed a nap - just as the bride was going to start her makeup - everybody just looked the other way. I was doing somebody else's hair at the time so I called out "It would probably be a good idea if somebody took him for a little walk in his pram to send him off wouldn't it?" then glared a bit at each one of them in turn wink. When DH asked me how it went afterwards, my response was "Her hair was ace, her mates were rubbish". I'm always amazed at how obviously passive aggressive people are to the people they are supposed to care about. I see it all the time - I can't believe the stuff some people come out with sometimes, I wouldn't treat someone I hated half as badly as some best friends and mothers treat their 'loved-ones' on special occasions. I'm not saying your friend was being pa though - she does just sound a bit clueless. YOUR wedding day is YOUR special day, not your bm's. I wouldn't even need to know you, if I was just present on your wedding day I would hold your baby for you - it isn't a difficult concept, it's called 'not being a shit-head'! grin

Have a lovely wedding day OP!

Davsmum Thu 17-Oct-13 08:41:36

Go and hang out with a paediatrician for the day, get them to show you a baby with reflux.

I don't have to - I had a baby with reflux. I also have a niece with reflux.

Callaird Thu 17-Oct-13 09:28:20

This is the OP's wedding day, it's supposed to be a fun morning getting ready with her bridesmaid, laughing, chatting and a glass of bubbly.

Would you really want your 6 month old sat in a room where a hair dresser is using peroxide or some nasty smelling hair dye?! Or should the bride be in a different room with her daughter? The BM might as well get ready elsewhere if that was the case, it would save OP the mess of dye and hair in her house!

Lot's of babies are high needs, I'm a nanny and have looked after 23 children, they are not always laid back easy babies. It's no-ones fault, it is just the temperament of each individual child! Who wants their child to be the same as everyone else's?

I'm glad it's sorted OP and I hope you have a wonderful stress free day tomorrow.

Good luck and congratulations.

Mojavewonderer Thu 17-Oct-13 10:10:49

Should have eloped! Would have saved all this hassle.
Hope your wedding turns out ok and you have a fan day.

Famzilla Thu 17-Oct-13 13:20:19

Sure you do wink

Thanks for all the good luck messages! Have spent the morning blitzing the house, pretending it's because I don't want BM thinking I'm a slattern (we lived together, she knows I'm a filthy caah). Really if I sit down I think I will explode in a ball of nervous energy. If Sussex gets blown of the map tonight, you'll know why.

Hope DD settles nice and early so I can have a bottle glass of wine and a stealthy fag bar of chocolate.

(Disclaimer: I haven't smoked in years, but I think I deserve one)

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Fri 18-Oct-13 06:07:21

Have a great day Famzilla

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Fri 18-Oct-13 06:08:30

Oh, and put that fag down.
You deserve not to have one.

Morning Famzilla! Hope you have had a good rest. Have a super day wine thanks

Strumpetron Fri 18-Oct-13 08:31:10

Thank Christ I know my friend isn't going to treat me like a skivvy and whinge about me for having my hair done on her wedding day!

YABU. Yes a bridesmaid is there to support but she isn't a child minder and she has to get ready too. I think it's a bit hmm the way you've spoken about her on here. Surely you should have arranged child care so you and your bridesmaid could have enjoyed the day together?

pixiepotter Fri 18-Oct-13 08:49:15

A bridesmaid is an honorary title, it doesn't mean she is your actual maid!!

JerseySpud Fri 18-Oct-13 09:04:09

Whatever happened with your DM and the wedding in the end OP?

Suddengeekgirl Fri 18-Oct-13 09:10:11

Have a wonderful day! grin thanks wine

JerseySpud Fri 18-Oct-13 09:17:26

Oh and have a wonderful wedding day x

Pogosticks Fri 18-Oct-13 10:57:58

wine Happy Wedding Day Famzilla! wine

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor Fri 18-Oct-13 11:01:30

It's not just about the bm having her hair done on the day. It's about her having it cut and coloured, which will take time, when they have to leave the house at 11.20am, when the OP needs her help and support on the day.

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor Fri 18-Oct-13 11:02:13

Oops, meant to add...

Have a lovely day thanks

SnakeyMcBadass Fri 18-Oct-13 11:25:02

Have a lovely day OP thanks

VomitingVeronica Fri 18-Oct-13 11:50:11

Good lord there are some grumpy mumsnet terms out there! Honestly op, yanbu at all. Cut and colour else where and not when you need your bridesmaid to help you.

I have had a couple of gerdlings / needy babies, and you haven't made any mistakes in your parenting, you have done bloody well to make it so your lo is happy in the sling, it's better than screaming all the time regardless (though I'm sure you have has that too). Mine have both had long pleased when nothing makes then happy, it's hell, but it does get so much better when they want to crawl and explore. Reflux is horrendous, especially when you see all your mum friends feeding their happy little perfect latching babies while managing to have a conversation and cup of tea then tell you about what boxier they are watching while bfing, as if it is quiet enough to watch tv while feeding a refluxer! I'm so glad that there are so many perfect mothers our there though, please enjoy your easy babies and hope you never have to go through reflux and everything it comes with.

One other thing, if posters are going to go on about how nasty an op is for posting on aibu about their friend, how they are so mean putting it all on a public forum and how much they hate it and would never want a friend who would do that, well, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DON'T READ AIBU!! It's what the whole area is about! Honestly!

Ahhh that felt good!

Have a great day op.

VomitingVeronica Fri 18-Oct-13 11:52:12

Oh pants.

Mumsnet term = mumsnetter
Boxier = boxset

Hope it's a lovely day OP!

noddingoff Fri 18-Oct-13 12:01:48

Hi Famzilla have just seen this thread and no doubt you will be walking into the registry office about now. I hope you and your imminent-DH are having a great day. I think it a bit odd that on the actual morning of your actual wedding, somebody is still accusing you of whinging and lecturing you about what you should have done about organising childcare. Ah well hopefully you were enjoying a nice glass of breakfast Bucks Fizz and chatting with your dearest friend- hair already sensibly cut n coloured at a sensible time like the day before- not looking at MN this morning.
Really hope that you didn't try doing your wedding makeup with the baby in a forward facing sling, expecting her to be "fascinated by the mirror" for three quarters of an hour, instead of doing what any normal baby would do (grab your mascara wand and start poking it in your eye).
Anyway congratulations on your wedding.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke Fri 18-Oct-13 13:13:31

Oh Happy Wedding day Famzilla

WineIsMyMainVice Fri 18-Oct-13 17:32:09

You should talk to them both again and explain you want it to be as stress free as possible. It's your day and they should respect that.
Anyway when you've had a colour it looks far better when you've washed it once!
Have an amazing day and enjoy it!

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