To consider buying this house ?

(44 Posts)
chinainyourhand Sat 12-Oct-13 21:52:12

Firstly I would like to point out that at no time was my dd ever purposely deceived . Is just happened .

My dh is not my 8 yo bio dad . She doesn't know this . Dh and I split up and I got pg to a n abusive sociopath . I got back together when dd was a toddler . Dd called him by his name at first then "daddy name" then the name got dropped . It's all been very natural and nothing was planned or forced . They absolutely love each other and we have a dc together now so I am continually worrying about when it comes out because I don't want to change their relationship and I don't want her to feel different to her sibling . I know it is going to come out at some time but this is not it (and I'm sure another thread)

Anyway we have been house hunting . My aunt has to sell up as she needs to go into a nursing home . I would love to buy her house it is exactly what we are looking for . But ... It's diagonally across the street from the block of flats DDs bio dad lived and I think still lives (I have no idea I've not heard anything about him since dd was a baby)

The thing that is making me think it will be ok is that there is a huge car park at the back where dd would play and we would come in and out the back door .

WWYD ? Am I just brining trouble to my door ?

(Ps I am a regular name change as I've never even admitted on mn that dd is not DHs . Pps I didn't realise that would be so long thanks for reading this far)

VivaLeThrustBadger Sat 12-Oct-13 21:54:51

Can't you find out where he lves now?

If you can't or if he does live there then yeah I wouldn't buy it.

chinainyourhand Sat 12-Oct-13 21:57:54

Probably should have said if he doesn't live there now I'm certain his mum still will . I have no idea how I would find out i can't think of anyone that I know I could ask .

I think you need to find out if the bio dad is still living there before you do anything else. Seriously. You could be inviting all kinds of trouble if you say 'to heck with it' and move in. You don't know what's happened in his life in the intervening eight years, but considering he has no contact with you or his daughter, suggests nothing much has changed. Do you really want an 'abusive sociopath' to be able to doorstep you, or say things to your DD?

If you can't find out, I'd suggest not taking the risk.

TickleMyTitsTillFriday Sat 12-Oct-13 21:58:53

No way.

Ruprekt Sat 12-Oct-13 21:59:22

Google his name and the area of where he lives will come up.

sarascompact Sat 12-Oct-13 22:01:16

No way. There are other houses, there's surely plenty of time to find the perfect one just like your aunt's but which isn't within spitting range of someone who could wreck your lives or harm you and your daughter.

lisad123everybodydancenow Sat 12-Oct-13 22:08:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrandpaInMyBlender Sat 12-Oct-13 22:11:43

No no no. Just asking for trouble really!

bimbabirba Sat 12-Oct-13 22:14:14

What exactly has he done to be labelled like he has?
If he deserves the label then I'm surprised you're even considering it? no house is worth your family's safety or peace.

Smartiepants79 Sat 12-Oct-13 22:15:15

Unless you are prepared to right now sit down and tell your daughter her history then you nee to find somewhere else to live.
Can you imagine the awful, heartbreaking fall out from her being told all this by someone else?
Find another house.

Flojobunny Sat 12-Oct-13 22:15:44

No way. Don't do it. Doesn't sound like the perfect home to me anyway. Opposite a block of flats that houses low life's and a car park at the rear for DC to play in confused
Plenty other, nicer places I'm sure.

chinainyourhand Sat 12-Oct-13 22:18:26

Yeah I know all this stuff I just really needed someone else to tell me . Not really a door a want to open right now . Or ever actually but i know I will have to at some point .

facedontfit Sat 12-Oct-13 22:18:48

NO NO NO

RandyGiles Sat 12-Oct-13 22:20:29

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but forget about the house. Find somewhere else. I understand the panic about finding somewhere to live, but you'd be putting your DD at risk and it's not worth it.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sat 12-Oct-13 22:22:39

I wouldn't - no way. Also, are you sure you can't do better for the money? Carpark to play in?

I also think that you need to tell your DD now, as hard as it will be now, the longer you leave it, the worse it will be. It is the sort of thing kids should just grow up knowing - it's a shame you didn't make her aware of it when she was younger. I know you didn't want her to feel 'different' but there is never going to be a good time to tell someone this... so the sooner, the better.

Donkeyok Sat 12-Oct-13 22:24:53

Is she giving you a huge discount or else I'd be looking else where.
He could have looked you up before now. He doesn't pay towards her?
Would you be living in fear everyday. You better find out where he lives and if his mum is there.

comewinewithmoi Sat 12-Oct-13 22:25:40

No just no. Never mind the half sub, getting in a relationship when teens etc.

Wishfulmakeupping Sat 12-Oct-13 22:26:11

Never in a million years you will literally be bringing trouble to your door don't even think about it

comewinewithmoi Sat 12-Oct-13 22:26:23

Also location? Opp block if flats?

Tiptops Sat 12-Oct-13 22:29:35

Don't do it. So not worth the risk of bringing trouble to your door, then the related stress of that situation plus trying to find a new home.

LegoAcupuncture Sat 12-Oct-13 22:31:05

I wouldn't. Given you don't know if your ex still lives there or if he would stir up trouble, definitely no.

And to bring up the first issue regarding your dd and your DH, please tell her sooner rather than later. I was told aged 19 that my dad wasn't my biological dad and it had such a negative impact on me. Would have been much easier hearing it as a child.

chinainyourhand Sat 12-Oct-13 22:34:08

Will try to answer posts I can remember I'm on app

- I say a car park but really it's massive and two cars park in it . Only I've been around the area my whole I I'd probably think the same .

- we would pay tea asking price but it's way below market value for a quick sale .

- comewine I'm sorry but I'm not sure what your posts are trying to say ? Not being defensive or anything I'm just genuinely unsure could you explain further please ? (Sorry think I'm just being a bit thickblush)

- I don't actually think he would ever come to my door I mean he could easily find us now I live in a town with a two mile radius and I've never heard from him . He really doesn't want to know her and that's the way Iike it . But knowing he is just across the street I think it would creep me out and make me nervous .

I think I will try and find out if he's still there. And if he is or I can't ill just forget about it .

quoteunquote Sat 12-Oct-13 22:35:18

Does this man know he is the father of your child?

He may or may not live there, but if you are in the same town, your paths are going to cross sooner or later,

I would tell your daughter as soon as possible, the longer you leave it, the harder it will be for her to take on board.

RandyGiles Sat 12-Oct-13 22:36:19

If it's way below market value could you sell it on?

chinainyourhand Sat 12-Oct-13 22:36:33

lego I'm definitely not waiting until she is an adult . She is very emotionally immature so I don't think she could process it very well just now . I'm hoping to tell her when she's a bit older but before she is a stroppy teenager .

Laquitar Sat 12-Oct-13 22:40:41

No i wouldn't.
But if the house is a bargain i would considare buy it and let it out and i would rent somewhere else. Of course this wouldnt be ideal for many reasons so i would only do it if it was a real bargain.

chinainyourhand Sat 12-Oct-13 22:40:59

quote yes he does but afaik he's never acknowledged her . He hasn't to me anyway .

BreconBeBuggered Sat 12-Oct-13 22:41:36

It'd take you maybe ten seconds to find out if he's still there, wouldn't it? Do that. Then think again if you get the wrong answer.

bimbabirba Sat 12-Oct-13 22:41:53

Yes but what has he done China? How dangerous is he?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sat 12-Oct-13 22:46:21

She's your DD so you have to do what you think is right and I know it's not why you started this thread (apologies) but I think you would be better to tell her while she isn't emotionally mature. Maybe you could phrase it as 'Do you remember when you used to call Daddy 'John' - it was a long time ago now wasn't it smile'. 'Here are some of the Birthday cards you made him when you were little' (or whatever you might have to back it up) and things like 'It was lovely when you started calling him Daddy 'John' then Daddy, he knew then that you loved him as much as he loved you', 'It's not important that he didn't 'put the seed in Mummys tummy' (or whatever it is she believes about babies being made). Just gently reintroduce it as something she has always known and hopefully it wont hit her head on.

Well, having got to where you are, it's what I would do anyway.

chinainyourhand Sat 12-Oct-13 22:48:47

chipping that's a really good idea I think I will try that . Now I have to tell dh <filled with dread> it's maybe time to tell her .

chinainyourhand Sat 12-Oct-13 22:51:25

Oh great I'm sitting here in tears now don't think I thought this thread through . I am so scared I'm about to break her (and DHs) heart . Anyway that's definitely a different threadsad

My halfbrother (my dad got a teenaged girl pregnant, she was forced to give him up for adoption) said that his adoptive father just said one day, as they repapered the hall 'Oh, by the way, you're adopted. We're not your birth parents, who loved you so much they let us have you. Can you pass me the paste?'

He was seven, having been adopted at a few weeks old. And he just accepted it. Having met him, I am in awe of his adoptive parents. So I'd say tell your DD now, before it becomes A Thing. The longer she doesn't know, the harder it'll be for her to accept. I know that my half-brother is unusual at just shrugging about it, but seven/eight is an age when they can understand and you can talk about it.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sat 12-Oct-13 22:59:56

flowers

I wouldn't do it as one big conversation - just drip feed it to her, build on it. It needn't break her heart if you do it slowly, gently & reinforce the things that she once knew (like when there was only you and her - she might not remember, but you will have photos and other things) (iyswim).

Not a Big Reveal, not a Sit Down Tell Her.

DH shouldn't have allowed this to 'just happen' either and this is not the time for self indulgent heart breaking, nothing is changing, he will always be her Dad, just not her father. Being a DAD is far more important. He needs to get his head around that quickly so he doesn't give off the vibe that this changes things.

I know you didn't intend to end up here and I know it's hard - but honestly, it will only get harder, there will never be a better time than right now.

flowers

Beastofburden Sat 12-Oct-13 23:10:18

Here's another way to look at it.

You could buy the house, and decide that now is the time you have to tell DD the truth about her bio father.

The big question is whether the guy is still abusive and a danger to your lives. If he is, then no wwy do you want him as a neighbour. If he is not, or if he has moved away, and the only risk is that your DD will find out the truth- well maybe you have to bite the bullet sometime, you might as well get a great house out of it.

LegoAcupuncture Sat 12-Oct-13 23:22:15

I agree with chipping. Best to tell her now rather than when she is going through puberty and teenage angst.

edam Sat 12-Oct-13 23:23:24

I'm sorry you are upset.

Bit confused about why you would ever have dreamed of buying the house though. Why on earth would you risk moving practically next door to an abusive sociopath who would have a reason to target your dd and you?

Re. telling dd, agree with everyone who says you do need to tell her while she's still little, but far better to do it as a ho-hum ordinary conversation about 'do you remember' than a great big 'sit down, we are going to tell you something very dramatic' Eastenders reveal. And obv. you need to discuss this with dh.

She will have to know one day. The longer you leave it, the bigger deal it will be.

FWIW, my Mother's parents never told her she was adopted. She didn't find out until 20 years after they had died. To say it was incredibly traumatic would be an understatement. Years later she can rationalise it and think that in those days people didn't talk about such things and there was a stigma (to do with illegitimacy) and so on - but it still ruddy hurts and it rocked the very core of her being.

You really really really don't want to go anywhere even near the beginnings of a situation like that.

chinainyourhand Sat 12-Oct-13 23:43:19

Edam it's a house I've visited so many times and it really is a great family home . I just wish it wasn't in that location deep down I know all these things posters are telling me I just needed to be told . We have been house hunting for about 9 months now and I just got a bit tempted .

Viviennemary Sat 12-Oct-13 23:47:58

If you'd rather not have anything to do with him whatsoever and don't want him involved in your DD's life I don't think it would be a wise move to buy a house so near to where he is living.

zzzzz Sat 12-Oct-13 23:55:23

Are you saying your dh doesn't know he isn't the Father?

CCTVmum Sun 13-Oct-13 00:08:45

well after years of living with CCTV to ensure our safety from a psychopath and now in position able to sell and disappear even though attacks have stopped since the law gave me CCTV 2 yrs ago, I personally would tell you DO NOT go near his 'front door' or his mums. He may see this as a threat and attack (and keep attacking until you leave).
Putting your DD at risk also by doing this isn't good and others will think your thought of money above your DD wellbeing ( esp Social Services)

It's not nice living in fear for your lives and needing CCTV etc...it isn't then a home but a prison.

I cant wait to move and try and become invisible if we can?

The first rule with a Sociopath is do not wind them up as they can do a lot of damage in many ways physical/psychological/social/social/financial

timidviper Sun 13-Oct-13 00:16:39

Can you check the electoral roll to see if he or his mum are still there?

I would stay away if they are. That's a can of worms not worth opening

CCTVmum Sun 13-Oct-13 01:19:08

oh type his or mum name into 191.com or is it 192.com

His name will come up. If his address is hidden you can pay a small fee for the address. This is what I will try and avoid when I move...just reminded me!

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