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to be p***ed off and upset with dp for.........

(46 Posts)
twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 09:55:56

going to stay with his ex for the weekend.

My dp and I have have been together 2 years and have 2 children together.
Dp has a ds from a previous relationship. His ds lives in Holland and therefore doesn't get to see him very often.

Dp is planning to travel to Holland in 2 weeks to spend his ds' birthday weekend with him BUT the problem I have with this is he is going to be spending the whole weekend at his ex's.

He would've liked me to go with him, but with work commitments and the 2 dc's I can't go with him. If I had been going with him we would've got a b&b but as he is going alone, his ex has offered to let him stay with them for the weekend, sleeping on the floor in their ds' room.
I am really uncomfortable with this. I know his ex fairly well, we have met several times and we get on well, even had a night out together.
They split up 10 years ago and I know neither has any feelings for the other, she recently ended a relationship with the father of her 2 other children and is now in a new relationship.

It's not because I am worried something might happen between them that I am worried about, I trust him and know she has no interest in him in that way but I still can't help feeling it's a bit weird for him to be staying in the same house as her, going out on day trips, just the three of them, having meals together, drinks together in the evenings when the kids are in bed etc it makes me really uncomfortable to think about it.

I know he doesn't get to see his son often so I'm not going to tell him he can't go but I would much prefer it if he got a b&b rather than stay at the house, but apparently they live in the middle of nowhere so it would cost a fortune in taxis's to and from a b&b in the nearest town and it would just be easier, and cheaper for him to stay there.

So, my question is, AIBU to be a little hurt, or am I overreacting?

quoteunquote Thu 10-Oct-13 10:00:26

Over reacting, he going to see his child, who he doesn't see often, so every second counts.

Sounds like they are being really sensible about it, so join in.

OvaryAction Thu 10-Oct-13 10:01:21

I think it sounds nice for his son, and you should be pleased for your DP that he is able to have this sort of relationship with his son and his ex.

MsVestibule Thu 10-Oct-13 10:01:23

No, YANBU to feel a bit weird about it; I don't think I'd be that pleased either. But don't feel hurt - it does sound like the most practical solution and as long as you trust him 100%, it shouldn't be a problem.

Dawndonnaagain Thu 10-Oct-13 10:01:24

We moved, years ago to the middle of nowhere. Ex dh used to stay here for weekends so that he could see his son. It meant none of that horrible dropping off at the door stuff. In fact, ex dhs parents died within four weeks of one another, a few years ago, just before Christmas, we had him and his brother for Christmas.
I think you just need to live with it. I think both he and his son will happier this way.

NotYoMomma Thu 10-Oct-13 10:01:29

yabu and need to get a grip.

the key words are
EX
SON
NOT MUCH TIME

Libertine73 Thu 10-Oct-13 10:02:52

Over reacting. You know nothing will happen, and that he needs to see his son, so give him your blessing do he doesn't think you're pissed off.

gamerchick Thu 10-Oct-13 10:03:32

I understand it feeling weird for you.. but cab you imagine how buzzing his kids going to be seeing dad on waking up on a morning.

Personally I would suck it up. He's commited to you. Have a bit of trust.

pictish Thu 10-Oct-13 10:04:04

Yes yabu. It's not about you, or her, or even him - it's for the sake of the lad. You should be proud that your dp functions well enough as an adult, that this is even possible. It so often isn't the case.
You're being silly.

HopeS01 Thu 10-Oct-13 10:09:23

YANBU Twinnie. I'd feel uncomfortable too, but DP's son is the most important thing and it sounds like you're all trying to do what's best for him smile

AKAK81 Thu 10-Oct-13 10:14:06

YABU I think its great that his son will see that although no longer together, his parents can still get on. If only more separated couples were like this the world would be a better place.

Dobbiesmum Thu 10-Oct-13 10:22:33

YABU but I can see why it feels weird. It must be good for his son to his parents and you all getting on so well so concentrate on that side of it. She has a new partner who may well be feeling like he's going to get inspected by her son's father so you won't be the only one feeling strange about the upcoming trip!

I stayed with my Ex on a few occasions when visiting my DD in another country.
No problem at all.
My DP wouldn't have batted an eyelid to be honest.
Don't worry about it.
It will be nice for him to spend some quality time with his son.

RabbitFromAHat Thu 10-Oct-13 10:41:26

My partner needs to do this sometimes and while I would never ever complain about it (I am very proud of the fact that he's a good dad who does what's necessary to spend time with his daughter) there is something inherently unnerving about having your partner in this situation, so you're not 'overreacting', it's just something that takes time to get used to.

Aeroaddict Thu 10-Oct-13 10:42:07

Are you sure you trust him? If you do I don't see why you would have a problem with it.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 10-Oct-13 10:47:34

I can see why you are a bit uncomfortable with it, it would take a saint not to mind even a little bit... BUT he sounds like a good guy, with a damn good reason for doing it - you just have to trust him. Easier said than done I know, but honestly, even if he booked into a B&B if they wanted to have sex they would - the difference in probability is minimal, the benefits to him and his son are huge. Don't send him off in a huff or under a cloud of suspicion.

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 10:52:25

It sounds like you are very insecure about your relationship, maybe because you've not been together long and clearly had little time together as a couple before having children.
There is nothing at all weird about him staying there, I'm afraid the problem is yours. There is nothing inherently wrong with it at all, anyone saying there is is plain wrong.

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 10:56:44

Thanks all for your replies.
I think perhaps I didn't word my post well. I'm more uncomfortable with it than anything. I have told DP this and he has said he understands and he can see why. I am not making things difficult for him, I have made it clear to him that I'm not cross with him for it and can see the benefits of it.
I am not pissed off about it as such, it just makes me feel a little uneasy.

I do trust him, it's not about that. It's hard to explain what it is I'm not comfortable with, but I have decided to tell him later that he can go ahead and confirm with his ex and DS when he calls them tonight, that he will be staying with them whilst he is there.
Like you've said, it's about his DS and the time he'll be spending with his dad, and I need to put my feelings to one side.

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 10:59:18

You've decided he's allowed and confirm?
Are you always so controlling, telling him what he can do?
If you were a man and he was a woman you would be kicked to bits on here for that attitude, it doesn't make it ok this way around.

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:07:36

That's not what I mean. It's not about me giving him permission, its about us, as a couple jointly deciding that we are both okay with it. I am simply going to tell him I am, so that is hardly me telling him he is allowed. I had already told him I wouldn't tell him what to do.

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 11:11:43

Well no, you say in your OP and the follow up about letting him go or telling him that he can't go "I'm going to tell him later that he can confirm". He's going to see his son, what on earth are you doing trying to make it difficult for him because you are insecure?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 10-Oct-13 11:14:42

Twinnie that sounds good. Have you arranged some nice things to do while he's away?

(Peppi - maybe chill a little?)

apachepony Thu 10-Oct-13 11:16:16

Don't listen to the catty comments here from women who haven't been in the situation, I think the vast majority of women would feel a bit uncomfortable so yanbu with your feelings but it's what you do that counts. It sounds like you have nothing to worry about, it makes sense, so let him go with your blessings.

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 11:19:34

Catty? Don't be such a teenage girl.
How many posts do you see on here about men who don't see their children, fathers who won't make the effort etc etc? And here you have a man who travels abroad to see his son, and wants to sleep on the childs floor. And you have his girlfriend saying she doesn't like it, he should stay in a B&B far away and spend money on cabs and spend less time with the child! All because she just doesn't like it, for no good reason.
I'm appalled, to be honest.

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:25:35

I have NEVER said he can't or shouldn't, I simply wanted to ask on here if I alone in feeling a bit uncomfortable with it.

PeppiNephrine Thu 10-Oct-13 11:32:02

Thats not what you said. But whatever, I'm hiding this thread. But when someone posts from the other side "my ex's new girlfriend doesn't want him to some to my house to see his son etc etc" remember not to call her names like you normally would.

apachepony Thu 10-Oct-13 11:33:43

Peppi, The op asked if she was yanbu to be a little hurt. I don't think she is, but she would bu if she prevented it happening. Which she quite clearly has said she isn't going to do. What is with all your aggro, you're clearly projecting your own issues if you are "appalled".

Spelt Thu 10-Oct-13 11:36:59

Not odd to feel a bit uncomfortable, but totally right for him to try to maximise the amount of time he gets to see his son for.

Spelt Thu 10-Oct-13 11:38:38

I think some of the responses are due to the fat. That you say that you're not going to tell him he can't do it, like that would even be an option.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Thu 10-Oct-13 11:41:04

I can understand why you would feel uncomfortable with it . . .

but mostly Im amazed that you met someone less than two years ago and already have two children with them. That's fast work! grin

I would imagine that if it were me the relationship being still actually quite new (despite what you've achieved together in that time) could contribute to feelings of insecurity?

uptheanty Thu 10-Oct-13 11:43:09

I understand what's making you feel uncomfortable.
He's your partner and the father of your children and you have a family unit the 4 of you.

He will be in Holland playing the happy family with other people....just the 3 of them....very cosy.

Feels weird right?

Does it give you any insight to how his ds feels about you and your children? They too were once perhaps that happy family and while the ex & dp no longer want to be together the ds didn't get a vote.

Instead he gets a week on his birthday where he is the most important person.

Good on your dp for prioritising his son.

blahblahblah2014 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:51:07

I wouldn't feel happy about it, I would want him to leave when his son is in bed and come back for breakfast - No need to stay and spend evenings with his ex. If his ex had her new partner in the house(not sure if she is now living with someone??) then i might not feel so bad but if not then no way i would like it.

FatPenguin Thu 10-Oct-13 12:03:59

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable, I would too. However as you said it would cost a lot for him to stay at a b&b and get taxis etc. I really don't think you have anything to worry about it's only a weekend. Your OH has been open and honest about the plan - he hasn't kept it from you. Be proud that he is dedicated to his son, after all you have children with him and if you split up you would expect the same.
Make some lovely plans for that weekend and treat yourself so that you have something to look forward to

RabbitFromAHat Thu 10-Oct-13 12:09:55

Honestly, some people here (I'm sure paragons of virtue) are just being mean for the sake of it. You're doing the right thing by sucking it up, and I totally get why it's a little discomfiting.

Squitten Thu 10-Oct-13 12:32:13

I can see why it would make you uncomfortable - it's more the thought of him being a "family" with someone else, even if only temporarily. Remember that he did want you to go too so it's not like it's been intentionally planned this way.

It will be great for his son and for him so don't make a big deal over it and plan something nice for yourself that weekend.

Dahlen Thu 10-Oct-13 12:57:00

This wouldn't bother me personally but I can understand it. I don't think it has anything to do with jealousy, either.

Every family has a of 'story' of how they came to be, what makes their family special, etc. It's a way of marking themselves out as unique in a world populated by other families. Your DH spending time in another family's story feels like it diminishes the uniqueness of your own. You can feel that without feeling in any way that your DH is likely to run off with his X.

It's a natural and quite rational reaction, but it's also unfounded, so it's one of those fears you simply have to face and power through by getting him to ring you every day and having lots of fun while he's away. Eventually, you can retrain your reaction sufficiently that you might even come to enjoy his time away with his son.

Good luck. smile

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Thu 10-Oct-13 13:01:45

I know a family who holiday with the exs and children all together. It must be lovely for the children to have that and sets a good role model. I think its quite unusual and would probably feel weird at first! But they just thought about how it would feel to the children.

Very mature.

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 13:21:50

Thanks all, feel much better now after reading your responses.
A lot of what you've said is right.

To answer a few questions, his ex's new relationship is very new, and they don't live together.
DP's son was a baby when they split so doesn't remember things any other way. In fact, their relationship in the last year is the best it has ever been according to DP, his ex and their ds.
We have 2 DC's together they are twins (6) and although we have only been together 2 years, we first had a relationship 7 years ago then split, but that's another story.

Threalamandaclarke Thu 10-Oct-13 13:30:58

Can see why you fel a bit uncomfortable. This is one of the reasons I would never have got together with a man who I knew had DCs.
It's just on my "don't touch with a bargeople" list.
I'm sure it will be fine. Try to enjoy the time on your own with your dcs. I think that's what I would do.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Thu 10-Oct-13 13:44:27

Oh i seeeeeeee!

Was there any infidelity issues in your past relationship?

twinniemummy84 Thu 10-Oct-13 13:53:20

No, it was a brief relationship, only a couple of months. I decided to end and shortly afterwards found out I was pregnant.

DoJo Thu 10-Oct-13 18:30:56

Just think of it like this: he's not staying with his ex, he's staying with his son. If his son lived with his grandparents/best friend/cousin, he'd be staying there, with his son. That's the important part, the rest is just incidental.

meganorks Thu 10-Oct-13 18:45:47

YABU
You say you have no trust issues so I don't see the problem. He is going to see his son and this way he will see much more of him and not spend so much money. Sounds win win to me.

impatienttobemummy Thu 10-Oct-13 19:11:12

apachepony I agree with your post, I've not been in your position OP but I know I would feel weird about it bit would end up doing the right thing in the end which is what your doing. Keep busy that weekend. Tbh seeing as his DS gets little time with him it's nice for him that he gets his Dad to himself on this occasion, I'm sure it will all be fine

mynewpassion Thu 10-Oct-13 19:24:06

Him, the son , two half siblings, and the ex. Not playing happy families for sure.

mynewpassion Thu 10-Oct-13 20:15:27

Now thinking about it. It is better for him to get a bnb. He gets to spend more quality time with his son by taking back there for a couple of nights. No need to deal with the other children in the home.

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