to be really exasperated at OH being mugged tonight?

(125 Posts)
owhatashambles Wed 09-Oct-13 00:39:44

He lost his wallet, his phone, cash. Second phone lost in a month. Can't help thinking he gets himself into these situations. He is not auditioning for Jeremy Kyle as far as I know but meant to be a mature professional. Guess who has to clean up the mess - cancel the card, cancel the phone, replace said cards and phone? Oh and be parent and hold down a pretty stressful job. Just want to scream rather than offer sympathy. Well I will make soothing noises as soon as he's back but am not impressed. Evil woman.

JaneFonda Wed 09-Oct-13 00:41:03

Wow.

Sorry OP, but that was really horrible to read.

gobbynorthernbird Wed 09-Oct-13 00:41:54

How bloody dare he? LTB

He got mugged? And you are blaming him. Poor man.

Let him cancel his own phone and cards and be nice to him.

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel Wed 09-Oct-13 00:44:56

Please be a joke that i don't get. The alternative is that you are highly unpleasant.

everythinghippie29 Wed 09-Oct-13 00:45:59

Just. I. What?

There has to be more to this? Who gets upset at someone for being mugged?

Tuonz Wed 09-Oct-13 00:48:42

Are you mad about the mugging, or that you will have to sort it out.

If answer a. Yabu.

If answer b. He's a big lad, let him do it himself. You're not his ma.

PinocchiosLeftNostril Wed 09-Oct-13 00:49:20

Does this happen a lot? What other 'situations' does he get himself into that are comparable to being mugged?

I hope expect this is just some lighthearted post that i'm not understanding properly so I'll express my blushes in advance. blush

Gruntfuttock Wed 09-Oct-13 00:49:30

Poor man.

???

You're seriously blaming him for this...would you want him to do the same? He's been assaulted FFS.

owhatashambles Wed 09-Oct-13 00:53:20

Am madder at the muggers. But am being honest that it is a pain. This sort of stuff has happened before. His mate has called to say: 'er, we tried to stop a fight and then it got a bit out of control'. It only seems to happen on booze-fuelled nights. He can't control his drink. Yeah IABU but...like most of you am also knackered.

olgaga Wed 09-Oct-13 00:59:46

Why is he going out with his mates getting pissed on a Tuesday night? No wonder you're pissed off.

If he has some sort of drinking issue, that is separate from the mugging. Sorry, it was just your OP comes across as really harsh. Maybe you need to have a serious conversation with him about his drinking if he keeps getting in trouble because of it.

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel Wed 09-Oct-13 01:03:12

Maybe he works shifts and he doesnt start work until late or is off tomorrow. Dont think OP's DH needs to be slagged off for going out on a tuesday night. It is allowed you know hmm

Monty27 Wed 09-Oct-13 01:05:44

Don't let him have any more cash, cards, phones etc until he grows up. Send him to classes of some sort.

Sorry how old did you say he is? angry

sugarman Wed 09-Oct-13 01:49:35

Drinking too much can lead to a lot of problems, not least being vulnerable. I am not surprised you feel annoyed if he made himself vulnerable through getting drunk.

But I don't think you should cancel his card, phone etc. Why on earth can't he do that himself?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 09-Oct-13 02:01:04

hmm

livinginwonderland Wed 09-Oct-13 07:01:51

Gotta love a bit of victim blaming. "Yes, it's HIS fault for being drunk, not the muggers fault for breaking the law and attacking him." hmm

MrsWolowitz Wed 09-Oct-13 07:10:57

Eh?

My DH is a man-child. I've started threads on here about his dependancy on me and it is also suspected he may even have ADHD causing him to be like this.

That said, as exhausting as he can be, I would never be mad at him for being a victim of crime! Idbe worried and have the kettle on waiting to have a hug and chat over a brew when he got in.

How can you be mad at him? I really don't get it.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Oct-13 07:12:14

I think this is more about the fact that he gets himself in such a state where he ends up in dangerous situations through drink, right ?

Has he a drink problem ? Coupled with a disrespect problem where he goes on the lash on a school night leaving you to hold everything together ?

Why are you picking up the pieces by cancelling cards etc ? Is he too pissed ?

Sirzy Wed 09-Oct-13 07:16:01

How sympathetic of you. He is the victim of crime and you are blaming him for what has happened.

Finola1step Wed 09-Oct-13 07:16:12

Is he regularly getting so drunk that he isn't aware if what's happening, hence the mugging? If so, then there is a major problem.

Why are you cancelling his cards etc? Is he so drunk that he can't do it or can't get home? I would have thought that even if a person had had quite a few, getting mugged would sober you up pretty quick.

Sounds like there is much more to this OP for you to be blaming your OH for getting mugged.

manticlimactic Wed 09-Oct-13 07:22:30

My friends ex DH got mugged quite often on nights out. She found out years later he had never been mugged. He just kept losing his wallet and phone when he's had one too many.

BeckAndCall Wed 09-Oct-13 07:27:04

If you read the OPs second post he's not such a victim is he? He was in midst of a fight which 'got a bit out if hand'...........

I think you've got bigger problems OP than the hassle of cancelling his cards....

Whatever the circs around the mugging, there is no earthly reason for you to act like his Mum by handling the consequences (phone, cards etc.), especially if you feel that his own fecklessness played a part.

You are enabling him, intentionally making a martyr or yourself and encouraging your own resentments if you fix it all for him.

Sirzy Wed 09-Oct-13 07:28:26

Beck I read that as a separate incident.

MrsDavidBowie Wed 09-Oct-13 07:30:58

If my dh got pissed, involved in a fight and got mugged as a result I would be pissed off with him as well.
He is a man, not 15.

Sirzy Wed 09-Oct-13 07:35:17

I will never understand this place when it comes to threads like this. If a woman had posted on here that she had been mugged whilst drunk and was blaming herself then everyone would have (rightly so) had sympathy for her. Yet when it is a man in the postion of being mugged whilst drunk it's all his fault?

MrsDavidBowie Wed 09-Oct-13 07:39:39

I would not have much sympathy for a woman either.

Adults have to be responsible, and getting so drunk you are incapable of looking after yourself in public is not on.

Opalite Wed 09-Oct-13 07:40:15

Please everyone don't think people are at fault for 'making themselves vunerable' by drinking, that can be damaging especcially in other situations... of course it is entirely the muggers fault.

OP yanbu to be annnoyed, you shouldn't have to do those things for him, he's an adult and should act like one.

SilverApples Wed 09-Oct-13 07:46:19

I don't get the victim-blaming either. He was mugged because he met a criminal who mugged him. His level of intoxication shouldn't have a bearing on this.
Someone explain to me the difference between being drunk and mugged, his fault and a drunk woman being raped, not her fault?

Sirzy Wed 09-Oct-13 07:47:11

Exactly silver.

Opalite Wed 09-Oct-13 07:48:58

That's what I was wondering Silver, both are victims and non consenting...

DuchessFanny Wed 09-Oct-13 08:04:16

My DH was mugged this year while out with friends and drunk ... I was so angry .. At the people who attacked him. Yes he was vulnerable because he was pissed and ended up separated from his mates, but that shouldn't matter. You should be able to walk down any street at night and NOT be attacked.
I should add he cancelled his own cards but I went with him to the police station. He was shocked and shaken up for days, I couldn't have been angry with him sad
I understand it may be a bit different for you though ? Because he was in a fight first ? Is that why you're annoyed ? Or because it's happened before and you think him reckless ? Or because you're having to pick up the pieces ?
Either way hope he ( and you ) are ok once the shock wears off .

AnyFucker Wed 09-Oct-13 08:04:31

If my h was getting pissed, into fights and getting mugged on a tues night I would have a real issue with his behaviour

SilverApples Wed 09-Oct-13 08:11:36

That doesn't answer my question AF.
The drunken, irresponsible behaviour and the fighting are issues that need fixing.
But would you be agreeing if the OP had said 'I'm really exasperated at DP being raped tonight, can't help but think she gets herself into these situations' ?

RedHelenB Wed 09-Oct-13 08:13:28

I always thought the cardholder had to cancel their own cards anyway.

Dahlen Wed 09-Oct-13 08:18:56

Wow! Very angry OP. Either you're not a very nice person or this is yet another example in a very long line of 'mishaps' that have befallen your OH which result in you picking up the pieces.

If it's the latter, I can understand your frustration. I know someone who was always having her bag 'stolen' (aka as getting so pissed she's leave it somewhere). I also dealt with someone who claimed someone attacked him and stole his phone and wallet, only for it to turn out that he'd been in a typical brawl with his friend and his phone and wallet had ended up in the gutter; he'd simply been too drunk to spot them. I suspect you think what's happened is more along those lines.

If he has a habit of going out, getting drunk, behaving irresponsibly (believe it or not it is is possible to drink plenty of alcohol and not behave like a fuckwit) and generally behaving like a manchild, maybe it's time for action. If you stop dealing with his problems and let him face the consequences of his behaviour, he may be more likely to change.

If he's a genuine victim, he deserves your support.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Oct-13 08:28:50

He hasn't been raped though, he is getting pissed, into fights, getting mugged all on a school night and then expecting his female partner to sort it out for him

Let's keep it on topic, eh

Sirzy Wed 09-Oct-13 08:30:49

The fight was a seperate event on a different night anyway.

Why the day of the week matters god knows

If someone is victim of crime then to blame them is wrong irrespective of what the crime is.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Oct-13 08:31:34

Silver, I recommend you try and not take thread titles quite so literally

There is very often very much more to the situation than that

If op comes back to say actually there isn't then fair enough...she can take from this thread exactly what she wishes

SilverApples Wed 09-Oct-13 08:42:28

If she's with a partner who is a drunken irresponsible arse, then she needs to evaluate her situation and decide why she's still there.
That's not what she's asking though, and I do think SIBU to be annoyed at him getting mugged. He's been the victim of a crime.
Unless as well as him being drunk and into fighting, he's also a liar.

olgaga Wed 09-Oct-13 09:32:03

Of course the day of the week matters. If you have responsibilities, if it's the night before a working day, he shouldn't be out getting pissed!

Sirzy Wed 09-Oct-13 09:36:27

How do you know it was the night before a working day for him? And even if it was does it matter as a one off?

People seem to be trying to hang him out to dry here on very little information.

MsWilliamTheBloody Wed 09-Oct-13 09:37:29

Wow, OP.

You sound like the police officer I spoke to when I tried to report being raped.

Guess who's fault that was?

Yup. Mine.

Made myself vunerable, didn't I.

angry

RevelsRoulette Wed 09-Oct-13 09:52:23

Well, it's clearly not his fault he got mugged. And if he stepped into a situation to try to help then that doesn't make him a bad person - but am I right in thinking that what his mate was actually trying to put a spin on was that they just started fighting? Not good.

However, as for taking over and cancelling and reordering and getting new phone etc - you don't have to do that. Don't treat him like he is incapable. He is an adult and he can sort it out himself

If it is a question of acting immediately and he is out and doesn't have access to all the telephone numbers etc, then I can see a case for you quickly cancelling cards. Time is of the essence. But beyond that - he is a fully functioning adult. Leave it to him! If you choose not to do that, you can't really be angry about it, cos it's your choice.

peachactiviaminge Wed 09-Oct-13 10:00:35

Wow check the victim blaming on this thread. Nice double standards.

I think this is more about the fact that he gets himself in such a state where he ends up in dangerous situations through drink, right ?

change he to she, woman gets raped while drunk its not her fault its the rapists. Same here its not his fault its the muggers. ffs

jammiedonut Wed 09-Oct-13 10:00:51

If this was a woman, the response would be different. I don't think you can blame your dh for being mugged. As for cancelling everything for him, I can't see why you HAVE to do it. If you want to, go ahead, if it's too much of a chore make him do it himself! It sounds like there's a bit more to this.

peachactiviaminge Wed 09-Oct-13 10:02:32

He hasn't been raped though, he is getting pissed, into fights, getting mugged all on a school night and then expecting his female partner to sort it out for

So if I was to go out tonight get pissed flirt with a stranger and end up getting raped then come home and expect my DH's support in sorting it all out I'd be at fault? Your double standards are showing again.

SilverApples Wed 09-Oct-13 10:05:31

What's with the school night references?
I have the relationships board hidden, so does the OP have school aged children that she or her OH have to deal with?

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Oct-13 10:06:50

Wow OP what a nasty post.

I'm also disgusted (though unsurprised) at some of the victim blaming on here.

And as for him 'getting into fights', the OP said she received a phone call once, saying he tried to break up a fight.

But lets not let the facts get in the way of a bit of man bashing...

Mimishimi Wed 09-Oct-13 10:09:56

You needed to put more of those qualifying details down in the first post because, without them, you sound like a heartless fishwife. It's the fighting habit I'd be worried about peronally. I can totally see how tempting it would be for street kids etc to take advantage of boozy idiots...

MrsWolowitz Wed 09-Oct-13 10:11:12

Totally agree with Worra

Breaking up a fight is different to 'getting into fights'.

The victim blaming here is absurd.

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Oct-13 10:16:09

It's the fighting habit I'd be worried about peronally.

And which fighting habit would that be?

I imagine the OP feels it necessary that she sorts out getting the cards cancelled etc because they may have a joint account (which seems to be the overriding recommendation on here - there's always an OMG reaction when couples say they don't, in my experience) and if the cards aren't sorted, it will impact negatively on her and the children if/when any money goes missing.

TobyLerone Wed 09-Oct-13 10:19:15

I genuinely cannot believe that you are blaming your husband for being attacked and stolen from.

I hope the same never happens to you.

LIZS Wed 09-Oct-13 10:20:56

yabu to blame him but why are you doing the cancelling for him , in fact under Data Protection I'd have thought it had to be him.

Sirzy Wed 09-Oct-13 10:22:41

If someone I cared about had been mugged then I would happily help them with things like cancelling cards if needed/able to. Surely that is part of being in a relationship that you help with little things like that when someone is having a tough time?

What exactly has he done to deserve to be blamed for what has happened to him?

He went out drinking on a 'school' night
He tried to break up a fight.

Neither of these mean he is responsible for what has happened to him, neither does it show that he has a drink problem or a problem with violent behaviour.

so....

i'd be very sympathetic - he's had a big shock.

but

you're obv very resentful that you're always picking up the pieces of his life.

so don't.

MokuMoku Wed 09-Oct-13 10:31:00

I can see it must be frustrating if it keeps happening.

Lazyjaney Wed 09-Oct-13 10:44:04

So how come on MN it's the victims fault for being drunk and irresponsible in assault and mugging cases, but not in rape cases?

The two are similar, surely?

Sirzy Wed 09-Oct-13 10:45:35

Nobody has been able to explain that yet Lazy, some people have said they are different but with no real reason as to why.

I can only assume it comes down to gender again.

Dahlen Wed 09-Oct-13 11:04:47

I agree that if the OP was mugged, he deserves nothing but sympathy and TLC regardless of how much he'd had to drink or how 'vulnerable' he made himself, etc.

I think the reactions otherwise come from the OP's exasperation. Loving partners don't generally react like that. The exasperation present in the OP is indicative that either she's not a very nice person who doesn't really love her OH (quite possible) or this mugging example is not actually a mugging at all but yet another example of a long list of behaviours where the main problem is irresponsibility that has a spin put on it so it's never his fault. Losing your phone in a fight is not the same as being mugged walking down the street. I suspect the OP is suspicious of the explanation because from her posts it appears her OH has a habit of fighting and losing his possessions. the fact that it is always the OP who apparently has to pick up the pieces, while also carrying the main responsibility for what happens at home, lends credence to this.

Or, ironically, it could be the case that the OP's OH is an irresponsible arse but on this occasions is a genuine victim.

Who knows? I'd reserve judgement until I knew the fuller picture, which is why I said if he's a victim he deserves nothing but sympathy but if he's an arse I can understand the OP's frustration.

TobyLerone Wed 09-Oct-13 11:07:11

But even if he's an irresponsible arse, he doesn't deserve to be attacked and stolen from.

Dahlen Wed 09-Oct-13 11:18:59

I think the point is that he might not have been attacked and stolen from at all. I think the OP suspects that her OH willingly got involved in a brawl and lost his stuff as a result.

But we don't know that, of course.

If I were the OP I would be loving and supportive through this, but putting in consequences for irresponsible, drunken behaviour in the future. For the sake of moral decency and being supportive to someone you love who has possibly had an awful experience, the only way to deal with this now is erring on the side of caution and believing her OH.

Lazyjaney Wed 09-Oct-13 11:24:06

Oh I see Dahlen, he was behaving like he was "asking for it" so it's his fault.

TobyLerone Wed 09-Oct-13 11:25:40

Bang on, Lazyjaney.

quoteunquote Wed 09-Oct-13 11:30:45

Nasty, nasty to be attacked, nasty to live with someone who blames you for it.

Please turn down any jury service you are offered, if you explain you blame the victim of assault the judge will excuse you.

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Oct-13 11:31:33

The OP has said he tried to stop one fight in the past!

There's an awful lot of reading into things here, rather than reading what's actually been posted.

Sure the OP might come back and say he has form for fighting, but she hasn't said that so far.

peachactiviaminge Wed 09-Oct-13 11:31:41

Dahleen is it not possible that OP is just an uncaring spiteful partner? Or is that not possible as she's female?

SilverApples Wed 09-Oct-13 11:34:47

This is like watching one episode of a soap.
I'm waiting for the OP to return with an extended and extensive list of complaints and lots of other previous incidents that she didn't mention in her posts.
Less dripfeed and more deluge.

Dahlen Wed 09-Oct-13 11:37:55

Please don't put words into my mouth. Throughout all my posts I have made it clear that if the man was mugged he deserves nothing but sympathy and his behaviour leading up to the mugging is irrelevant. Point out one thing I have said that says he was asking for it. hmm

The point I am making is that the OP clearly believes he's not really a victim. Why?

Either she's not very nice. Perfectly possible. Could well be the case this man is better off without the OP.

Or the man has form for putting spin on unfortunate events that actually turn out to problems he has created. He certainly wouldn't be the first person to jump into a fight that had nothing to do with him, in which he knows not who is instigator and who is victim, for no other reason than he likes getting in the thick of it. Losing/damaging your possessions as a result is very common.

Can someone show me how you can highlight the 'between the lines' that some posters are reading on this thread.

I can't see anywhere that states he was drunk, I can't see anywhere that states he has a violence problem when drinking.

Why as a victim of criminal behaviour he must demonstrate his innocence.

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Oct-13 11:45:30

Dear god but the man hasn't claimed he got into a fight last night.

The OP had one phone call in the past, saying that he'd tried to break up a fight.

Seriously, the OP has only made two posts. I don't see why they're so hard to read and understand.

Or is reading between the lines more fun for some people?

MokuMoku Wed 09-Oct-13 12:15:27

I don't know. I think to always say that the victim is blameless is a bit naive.

Some people have bad luck but some people do seem to end up getting themselves in bad situations where bad things happen time and time again and I can see why friends and family would start to get fed up with that.

My brother for example has managed to lose four passports. Seriously, I have travelled a lot and never lost a passport. So I think once or twice maybe bad luck but four? You do have to question if perhaps he just isn't taking good care of them or selling them

Losing two mobile phones in a month especially if he has lost other stuff is really annoying so I would be running out of sympathy too, I'm afraid.

Lazyjaney Wed 09-Oct-13 12:15:51

Never mind reading between the lines, this is reading from another script! (albeit a well thumbed one on MN)

AnyFucker Wed 09-Oct-13 12:27:35

If this repeated mopping up behaviour for the sake of a feckless man is normal in everyone's relationships then I stand corrected.

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor Wed 09-Oct-13 12:31:42

OP can you come back and clarify your posts for everyone.

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor Wed 09-Oct-13 12:32:58

Must say in defence of the Tuesday night drinking, I work in a job that is 24/7. Sometimes my 'weekend' is during the week.

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Oct-13 12:36:13

Losing two mobile phones in a month especially if he has lost other stuff is really annoying so I would be running out of sympathy too, I'm afraid.

He didn't lose two mobile phones, he lost one.

The other was stolen from him.

AmberLeaf Wed 09-Oct-13 12:38:25

I hate these double standards.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter Wed 09-Oct-13 12:45:56

Some seriously nasty victim blaming on this thread. Even if he is feckless and irresponsible he didn't deserve to be mugged.

Lazyjaney Wed 09-Oct-13 12:50:26

Here's a radical idea - that the only person to blame for an assault is the assaulter.

Wheatus Wed 09-Oct-13 12:52:58

I would have thought trying to stop a fight is a good thing to do.

Rewindtimeplease Wed 09-Oct-13 13:11:51

AF... Two totally different issues at stake. Yes, the binge drinking mid week appears to be unreasonable behaviour. But we don't know the back story because the OP didn't ask if she was being unreasonable to be pissed off with DH drinking. Although it appears she undoubtedly is, and seemingly has good reason to be.

The mugging is completely and utterly different, and to bring up the rape issue is actually very relevant indeed. If my DH had been mugged, I would be appalled, concerned and upset. If you wouldn't be, then tbh, t you and I must have very different marriages and will disagree on topics such as this.

SukiBirdee Wed 09-Oct-13 13:38:00

My DH was mugged while walking home from his work Christmas party. It was extremely frightening for him, his attacker threatened to knife him.
I can't believe anyone would think he deserved this because he had been drinking or walked home alone. In the end the mugger was caught and had done the same thing to several other people so they must have all been to blame somehow...

SukiBirdee Wed 09-Oct-13 13:38:55

My DH was mugged while walking home from his work Christmas party. It was extremely frightening for him, his attacker threatened to knife him.
I can't believe anyone would think he deserved this because he had been drinking or walked home alone. In the end the mugger was caught and had done the same thing to several other people so they must have all been to blame somehow...

olgaga Thu 10-Oct-13 00:31:45

Ah well I hope we'll be enlightened by OP as to how the latest "mopping up" has gone.

TBH I think OP sounds at the end of her tether with the predictable consequences of her DHs social life.

Tuonz Thu 10-Oct-13 00:35:48

Having a drink

Predictable consequences

Fuck this.

Sparklysilversequins Thu 10-Oct-13 00:40:25

My ex H used to get "mugged" regularly, at least four or five times a year. What actually happened was he'd getting pissed out of his face and be relieved of all his stuff while passed out. I got pretty fed up with it and lost all sympathy too. So I see where you're coming from OP.

WorraLiberty Thu 10-Oct-13 00:50:39

'Relieved of all his stuff' as in stolen by a thief that was more interested in stealing from him than calling an ambulance because there was a passed out person in the street/pub?

I can see why you'd be fed up Sparkly if your ex kept getting drunk off his face, but your post is really playing down the fact that a thief had no right to take advantage of him.

'Relieved of all his stuff'

Really?

Tuonz Thu 10-Oct-13 00:51:31

So if you're passed out you're fair game Sparkly?

Some people do daft things, it does not make them bad people or responsible for the actions of others.

If I saw someone passed out drunk I'd want to make sure they were okay, I would not relieve them of their possessions.

WorraLiberty Thu 10-Oct-13 00:53:35

Exactly Tuonz

It reminds me of those awful rape posters that appeared to blame women for getting drunk, rather than blaming the rapist for raping a vulnerable woman.

Tuonz Thu 10-Oct-13 01:00:21

It's like normalizing horrific behavior Worra If you drink too much you can expect to be raped, mugged or injured, just one of those things. Bad victim, you did wrong.

sugarman Thu 10-Oct-13 06:09:57

I don't think anyone is saying he deserved to be mugged, but incapacitating oneself with alcohol is foolish. The vulnerable will always be targeted so it would be sensible to reduce one's vulnerability.
You can argue till you're blue in the face that it shouldn't be so, but any sensible person knows that it is, however, exactly so.

Lazyjaney Thu 10-Oct-13 07:26:49

If the word used were "raped" and "she" this thread would probably be very different, but the situations are quite similar.

IMO anyone not applying the same approach to both is a complete hypocrite.

Sirzy Thu 10-Oct-13 07:32:17

So by that logic sugar you could say the same about people who get raped while drunk? They shouldn't dare to have fun and drink and make themselves vulnerable should they!

Sparklysilversequins Thu 10-Oct-13 07:48:12

I defy any of you to continue to be sympathetic towards someone who has had his fourth mobile phone taken in as many months, which will of course come out of the family budget when being replaced. Not to mention the full wallets and cash cards needing replaced. Not only that but you receive abusive messages and calls from strangers when you are 8 months pregnant saying awful things about your baby because they read and know stuff about you from the text messages on the phone.

It's hard to stay sympathetic to someone who continues to do this week after week and so is exposing themselves and your family to risky and dangerous behaviour because of their choices.

And yes he was "relieved of his stuff" because he was never hurt, people saw him lying there passed out and took everything he owned. Time and time again. It's nothing to do with saying he deserved it, no one does. But how long can you be sympathetic for when someone else's poor choices are having such a massive effect on YOU. Time after time I was the one dealing with it and being worried and stressed. He couldn't even remember it!

zippey Thu 10-Oct-13 07:59:48

Also, what is so wrong about helping sorting out his cards, cancelling stuff etc after? All I have read is that OP should do it himself or that he is a manchild.

I'd have thought that helping your loved ones after a traumatic event would be a kind thing to do.

thebody Thu 10-Oct-13 08:03:08

he sounds a tad feckless and childish op.

my lads manage to go out in the lash and have never got so drunk that they have been robbed. so have I for that matter.

does he have a genuine alcohol problem?

thebody Thu 10-Oct-13 08:04:58

sorry my reply was to sparklys post.

op doesn't give enough info really to judge her situation.

Sparklysilversequins Thu 10-Oct-13 08:15:47

I believe he does thebody but he AND his family just think he's a well meaning bloke who likes a drink and gets taken advantage of hmm.

roadwalker Thu 10-Oct-13 08:20:54

Was he hurt OP, just wondering how he is and how his confidence is
My confidence would be knocked if I was mugged

LEMisdisappointed Thu 10-Oct-13 08:26:00

Do you have issues with empathy op?

MokuMoku Thu 10-Oct-13 08:46:15

You are not exactly showing a great deal if empathy for the OP yourself.

It sounds like she had a shit day and wanted to vent. She already said she was being unreasonable.

Her OH chose to go out, he chose to get involved in a fight. He could have just stepped back and used his phone to call the police and gone home to his wife and kids. That would have been the grown up thing to do.

Sparklysilversequins Thu 10-Oct-13 09:08:19

Agree entirely Moku.

Her OH chose to go out, he chose to get involved in a fight That was in the past. Once he did tried to break up a fight is all the OP has said.

A lot of reading between the lines on this thread.

So what if he was drunk. Whats that got to do with been mugged. You can get mugged while sober too. Getting pissed doesn't mean you are to blame if you get mugged!

Sparklysilversequins Thu 10-Oct-13 09:16:44

You're absolutely right. NO ONE deserves to be a victim of crime but if you keep making the same poor choices time after time exposing yourself to risk, at what point do you have to take personal responsibility? And let me be quite clear I am talking about THIS situation and my own detailed previously in the thread. This is not a general rule.

Lazyjaney Thu 10-Oct-13 09:23:27

NO ONE deserves to be a victim of crime but if you keep making the same poor choices time after time exposing yourself to risk, at what point do you have to take personal responsibility

Sparkly do you believe the same applies to sexual assault too, or is that somewhat different - and if so, why?

Sparklysilversequins Thu 10-Oct-13 09:26:01

I said quite clearly in my last post that I was applying this to my situation and the OP only.

My brother has been mugged a few times while out. He doesn't drink due to health issues but goes out with friends. He is always sober yet it always happens. Should he start taking responsibility for the muggings and start questioning why it happens to him? Maybe he should be locked up so the poor muggers dont get tempted.

BlueSkySunnyDay Thu 10-Oct-13 09:32:12

Your op came across as a bit unpleasant but is the gist of it now that he over drinks and gets himself into hassles when he's drunk? If that's the case then I guess he needs to sort himself out.

In the same way I would not blame a girl for being raped I wouldn't blame him for being mugged but if either continually put themselves in a situation there they are vulnerable to this then perhaps they need to reassess their attitudes to personal safety.

I am aware I am stirring up a hornets nest there but please note I said I would not blame a girl for being raped I wouldn't blame him for being mugged

Sparklysilversequins Thu 10-Oct-13 09:34:23

No not at all SPs but that's not the same as my situation.

But if I had said he was drunk each time the answer would have been 'yes he needs to take responsibility'.

BlueSkySunnyDay Thu 10-Oct-13 09:45:22

SP - if your brother is just out on a normal night out then that blatantly isn't his fault, probably is just the type of blokes who have to prove they are alphas picking on someone they see as an easy target.

Repeatedly hanging about in a bar that has fights every night or in the park at 3am: would still not be his fault if he were mugged but I personally would start to feel he were a bit of a f*ckwit.

If you put your hand in a fire and get burnt then you don't keep doing it do you?

Sparklysilversequins Thu 10-Oct-13 09:48:53

No. Remember I have witnessed my exes decisions and choices and experienced repercussions of his choices myself. I know many people who drink every weekend and never get mugged or experience crime. If someone drinks till they're are insensible every week, or four or five times a week and repeatedly experiences crime and their pregnant wife is abused and threatened on one of those many occasions and that person STILL doesn't question or change their choices can you honestly say you wouldn't think "why the f*ck is he still making the choices that are allowing this to happen?".

MissDD1971 Thu 10-Oct-13 13:24:19

Gonna add my 1p worth here.

My brother has started fights when drunk and also lost wallet when drunk which he lied about or avoided the issue. However his 2nd wife can see through his lies in a second so that doesn't happen anymore! but he can do stupid things when drunk - like he was goaded into fighting a man who was taunting him at a party but that's another story.

I have been mugged once, and attacked. I was coming home at say 11pm after work night out, was merry not drunk. I was walking through an area I thought was safe and I subsequently found out was a muggers' paradise at night. The police were annoyed they probably couldn't convict and they never caught the muggers (rabbit warren street near an estate but normally safe). The muggers (teenage school-kids) actually saw me walking home on resi street a few days later I saw the main one and he taunted me. nice eh? shock

ever since then I've made safer choices to avoid unsafe places after work or at night, eg get a cab etc. But no woman or man should feel at risk of being attacked, night or day.

So I think there is a VERY BIG difference from starting a fight whilst pissed or getting drunk/open to being mugged etc whilst not pissed.

Also want to add - for ages afterwards I jumped everytime a man walked behind me (I was attacked from behind). This was BEFORE London riots happened and what with change of gov etc I think a few areas/policing have been made safer or more police presence.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter Thu 10-Oct-13 15:14:23

"If I saw someone passed out drunk I'd want to make sure they were okay, I would not relieve them of their possessions."

I'd check they were ok too.

Also - they might not be drunk. A couple of years ago my DS and friends (all HCPs) came across a man lying unconscious outside a club. The bouncers insisted he was drunk, but when they (DS and friends) checked on him, it turned out he wasn't drunk at all, he was dangerously ill and had to be rushed to A&E.

WorraLiberty Thu 10-Oct-13 15:32:26

So I think there is a VERY BIG difference from starting a fight whilst pissed or getting drunk/open to being mugged etc whilst not pissed.

The OP hasn't said her husband started any fights so ignoring that bit...when you say there is a VERY BIG difference from getting drunk/open to being mugged etc whilst not pissed, what do you actually mean?

Are you saying that if you get mugged when drunk, it's your own fault for getting drunk?

Genuine question btw, just trying to understand what you mean.

MissDD1971 Thu 10-Oct-13 19:29:31

I'd like the answer to this too Worra!

the amount of times I know friends/colleagues who've lost stuff or it's been stolen when they're pissed, ok maybe they shouldn't be so pissed to leave stuff in bars (like a colleague of mine, which has included purse, e-ring etc...) but then again are you supposed to be vigilant every time? and yes, of course I'm vigilant in places like All Bar One (bag snatch central). are you supposed to be very drunk? I do actually think my colleague who constantly loses things does drink too much but that's her look out. not going to lecture her. grin

I've been mugged in broad daylight (but purse was just swiped out of a bag) but I was SOBER. was this my fault?! Am I any less deserving of pity for that because I was sober?!

MokuMoku Fri 11-Oct-13 01:31:20

It doesn't seem like the OP is coming back but I once got followed home by a very creepy guy when I was drunk. I luckily got away from him but it was a huge wake up call for me and I honestly think that was the last time I ever got drunk like that and that was about 10 years ago. I have no desire to put myself in those kinds of situations ever again. That's not to say that I will never get followed by a creepy guy again but it's about minimizing risks. I do think being so drunk made me vulnerable.

As an adult I take responsibility for my own actions. So, for me, if I had been mugged 4 times on nights out then I would question why this kept happening to me and what I could do to stop it happening again.

So, I think if bad things keep happening to the OP's OH when he is out drinking then perhaps he needs to rethink his lifestyle choices. Because drinking is a lifestyle choice and while many people are capable of going out and having a nice time, for some people alcohol is just not good for them. I was definitely one of those people. I don't miss it one little bit.

MokuMoku Fri 11-Oct-13 01:37:10

By the way, a friend left her bag on her bike while she popped into the shops. Someone stole it. I do think she bears some responsibility for that as she knows it's a rough area. It was a silly thing to do.

Of course if she had been walking home from the shop and someone stole the bag at knifepoint it wouldn't be her fault at all but I think the scenarios are totally different.

For me, the idea of getting so drunk that you pass out on the street is very scary. I would never choose to put myself in that position.

complexnumber Fri 11-Oct-13 07:54:18

Moku Do you think that blame lies alongside responsibility?

Obviously your friend was responsible for her own bag, but can she (albeit partially) be blamed for it being nicked? Was it in anyway her fault?

MokuMoku Fri 11-Oct-13 09:59:08

I don't know but once I dropped my purse while out shopping. It got handed in but without the cash (all 1.20 pound of it). I didn't blame anyone except myself. I was careless. I can rant about how people are cunts and life is shit but people are cunts and life is shit. Maybe that is a weird way of thinking though. I have found wallets and purses on the street and I always hand them in intact. I would never take something that doesn't belong to me.

A guy I worked with said he found a wallet so took the cash. He didnt even think twice about it. I was shocked as he seemed like a good guy but that's the way some people think, I guess, if they see money lying around they just take it. Better to be careful with your stuff than risk running into someone like that.

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