To think I live opposite some really daft people

(121 Posts)

Aerated woman's just come to the door

"I'm on the phone to the police yeah, there's smoke coming from your house, you're alright, yeah"

Me: "er yes, (pointing) that's a chimney. When you light the stove smoke comes out"

Her: "yeah, but it's fire innit and I've called the police now"

Me: "ok. Fire produces smoke yes, but it's a stove and it's meant to"

Woman wanders off shaking head and speaking into phone to police "it's a stove, not fire"


MrsJamin Sun 06-Oct-13 15:32:54


fluffyraggies Sun 06-Oct-13 15:34:22

grin Well ... she meant well.

I'm sure you'd be glad of the 'aerated woman' had your house actually been on fire....

Tis a little funny though!

NoComet Sun 06-Oct-13 15:37:31

She'd better not come and live here. Being a collection of various age rural cottages, we have a wide range of oil, coal and wood burning stoves and open fires. Each autum as it gets colder a wide variety of smoke appears out of chimneys. Much of it quite alarming as people get dusty sooty stoves fired up with damp tag ends of wood piles.

DurhamDurham Sun 06-Oct-13 15:38:02

Either she meant well or she was very very bored and was hoping for some drama in her life. Could have been quite the story she had to tell. Saving your neighbours from burning to a crisp on a Sunday afternoon. Not everyday you get to say that.

The thing is, that it's a metal external flue completely visible from the street with smoke coming out above the roofline - it couldn't be anything else - it may be the worlds most deliberate looking smoke expelling device

She was very young

sooperdooper Sun 06-Oct-13 15:45:14

Aw, she meant well though smile

YouTheCat Sun 06-Oct-13 15:45:54

So, she can work a phone but she doesn't understand about chimneys? How very odd. grin

bsc Sun 06-Oct-13 15:49:44

imd 'd be more worried that she'd called the police not the fire brigade!

ILoveCwtches Sun 06-Oct-13 15:52:49

bsc, you beat me to it!

Read thread, read another thread, then thought, "why on earth did she not call the Fire Brigade?" and popped back to point it out!

I know, that was the first thing dh said!

I said that there were many questions that sprang to mind to ask her but I thought it might make me look overly sarcastic

YouTheCat Sun 06-Oct-13 15:55:23

Just think yourself lucky she didn't call Ghostbusters. grin

ILoveCwtches Sun 06-Oct-13 15:58:53

Ha, yes. Suppose she meant well so pointing out the numerous flaws in her actions would be, well.......pointless! smile

ohnoimnot Sun 06-Oct-13 16:05:23

Why did she have to call anyone if she was coming over anyway?

Oh god, this wumman is the gift that keeps on giving

Her banging on door: "I can smell wood now"

Me: "yes, it's a wood burning stove - actually it's multi fuel so I'm also burning coal but you can't smell that"

Her: "I don't like the smell, can you turn it off"

Me: "unfortunately not, it's a fire and it will go off naturally in the next 6-8 hours but I will be relighting it at some point as it keeps the house warm "

Her: sighing, eye rolling - 'can't you throw some water on it'

Me (utterly lost patience and can't be fucked to explain the many reasons why I won't be throwing water on it and will be having the stove lit ) - "no, I won't be doing that"

Her: (flouncing) "looks like I will have to call the police again"

Me(utterly bemused) : "ok"

ohnoimnot Sun 06-Oct-13 16:50:26

She sounds fiery, did you shoot her down in flames LOL

YouTheCat Sun 06-Oct-13 16:50:53

She's calling the police because she doesn't like the smell of your woodburner?

What a stupid cow.

NoComet Sun 06-Oct-13 16:53:38

I've now got tears running down my face.

I guess if you have an external flue, these are new houses not built with fire places, but honestly what a idiot.

YouTheCat Sun 06-Oct-13 16:54:47

I'd be interested to know what she expects the police to do about you, perfectly legally, using a wood burner?

TheYoniWayIsUp Sun 06-Oct-13 16:54:51

oh, please update us with what the police say!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 06-Oct-13 16:55:10


Or DO throw water on it which really will cause a smokey stink!

LilRedWG Sun 06-Oct-13 16:55:29

Silly woman!

Vintagecakeisstillnice Sun 06-Oct-13 16:55:30


No wonder the 999/ police etc phone people get pissed off.

Though a call like that I wonder if they're allowed put it on speaker and let everyone listen? grin

House is 160 years old but she lives opposite in some new flats

I didn't think people were made this dippy! grin

LilRedWG Sun 06-Oct-13 16:55:46

Please keep us updated.

LisaMedicus Sun 06-Oct-13 16:56:48

On a serious note...

When I was a kid, about 10, I noticed really, really black smoke coming from a neighbour's chimney. Me and my friend bickered about it, but we spoke to my mother, who tried to see in the window, then she called the fire brigade while my dad and some neighbours broke the door down and pulled the old man out. He died in hospital.

But having said that, she does sound thicker than a yard of lard.

bootsycollins Sun 06-Oct-13 16:57:25

Wtaf? grin

MammaTJ Sun 06-Oct-13 16:58:21

I need to know what the police say if they even bother coming round.

A quiet Sunday, they might for a laugh!

bootsycollins Sun 06-Oct-13 16:58:24

Obviously that wasn't about your story Lisa just Lauries situation

MikeOxard Sun 06-Oct-13 16:58:32


MousyMouse Sun 06-Oct-13 16:59:02

hope you are not in a smoke free zone.
maybe she is from one?

ihearsounds Sun 06-Oct-13 16:59:13

Aw bless her. She does not sound at all like my dd.

YoniTime Sun 06-Oct-13 17:00:50

What gringringrin

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 06-Oct-13 17:02:08

Laurie if this wasn't you, I'd be doubting the truth of this thread!! JFC just how thick are some people??????? I'm glad my pelvic floor is a good 'un.

Vintagecakeisstillnice Sun 06-Oct-13 17:02:16

I think 'Thicker than a yard of lard' is the best thing I've read on here this month!

NicknameIncomplete Sun 06-Oct-13 17:03:01

I want to be there when she phones the police. grin

BikeRunSki Sun 06-Oct-13 17:03:13

If she is very young she may well have only lived in houses with central heating and not have come across stoves/ open fires to heat houses.

BMW6 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:03:45

Oh my word, if she's a recent arrival you are going to have lots of visits from here over the winter months................. shock

NicknameIncomplete Sun 06-Oct-13 17:04:47

At least she will keep us entertained over the cold winter months grin

ProphetOfDoom Sun 06-Oct-13 17:07:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thank god I'm moving house this week!

This will be my last fire, I've loads of wee burnables around hence the fire - it's now 26 degrees in here!

We do live in a smokeless zone but we have a special stove that's allowed - I was going to explain this to her but since the concept of fire and stove defeated her I thought I'd best not grin

AnaisHendricks Sun 06-Oct-13 17:09:26

I wonder what she thinks firemen actually do if it's possible to just turn off a fire.

ohnoimnot Sun 06-Oct-13 17:10:32

Just wondering why you needed a fire today, its so hot outside.

BillyBanter Sun 06-Oct-13 17:14:09

You are in BIG trouble now, missy.

I guess if you've been brought up in a smokeless zone...

A police car has just pulled up in my street

Seriously, are they coming here?

YoniTime Sun 06-Oct-13 17:15:37


TheSilverySoothsayer Sun 06-Oct-13 17:17:10

I live in an ex-coal mining village. One day (several decades ago though) I noticed that someone's chimney seemed to be on fire.

I knocked politely and said as much. Was greeted huffily with 'yes, I know, that's how I clean my chimney' - apparently this method used to be a v common way of doing it.

Am old enough to have been brought up in South London with a coal fire - where the thing to do was to get a sweep (and have fond memories of watching for the brush to emerge from the chimney pot)

TheSilverySoothsayer Sun 06-Oct-13 17:18:29

x-post Am agog!

BillyBanter Sun 06-Oct-13 17:19:52

You are going DOWN!

Rooners Sun 06-Oct-13 17:19:58

Oh my good lord. Please keep updating, this is the best thread all day!

Custardo Sun 06-Oct-13 17:23:07

crikey, first time i've laughed sat mumsnet for a while.


They were coming here!

2 very sweet pcso's who could barely stop smirking.

They said they had a complaint that someone had a fire with wood (!) and they wouldn't normally be here but they were driving past.

I showed them the stove, we laughed.

They then left to visit mad lass across road to tell her that 'everything was fine but the owner wouldn't be burning anything after Thursday' - they thought it might be funny to not mention the new owners might want to heat their house.

Dh actually has tears of laughter in his eyes. This has well cheered us up after the stress of packing all day


AnaisHendricks Sun 06-Oct-13 17:24:38

Oh, just realised she called the police about the imagined house-fire so is possibly not aware that there is a fire service at all, let alone that they arrive and just and turn fires off.

Looking forward to the update grin

AnaisHendricks Sun 06-Oct-13 17:25:51

x-post. Marvellous!

SummerRain Sun 06-Oct-13 17:26:59

O lord, she'd die of convulsions round here. I live in the west of Ireland and people here have fires going year round!

Dying to know what the fuzz make of all this grin


SummerRain Sun 06-Oct-13 17:28:49

Oh that's brilliant. At least they had an entertaining Sunday shift grin

Patosshades Sun 06-Oct-13 17:29:06

Have her praents left her alone for the first time today and left her in charge? of the entire world

Handbagsonnhold Sun 06-Oct-13 17:32:48

Op am literally screaming!.....Enjoy the last of your packing by stoking up some good old disco tunes.....burn baby burn.....disco inferno...........relight my fire......etc etc good luck with move!

YouTheCat Sun 06-Oct-13 17:34:37

I hope the new owner is a MNetter and uses the fire every day. grin

quoteunquote Sun 06-Oct-13 17:38:10

brilliant, just brilliant.

as part of my job I over see clients holiday and home rentals, I've lost count of the amount of people I have had to show how to start a fire, people honestly do not know, it beyond them to add a match to the paper and kindling,

we always lay any working fire place before guests arrive, so many phone up and ask for someone to come and show them how it works,

We even have in one of the visitors books, a complaint, that they had to start the fire each day because it went out.

I do struggle to keep a straight face, when explaining you need to keep adding logs or coal.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 06-Oct-13 17:39:14

Oh how funny! I actually wish you weren't moving... Would you consider putting off your move until next month, just for mumsnetters... Pretty please?

I grew up with an open hearth, coal & wood. Come in from school and light the fire, freezing for an hour, the freeze one side burn the other for another hour, then blissful warmth and beauty for the rest of the night. I loved that fire place.

There is a fire engine outside my house!

They have not come to visit me as far as I know. - me and lots of the neighbours are looking out the window

What a massive coincidence if they're not here to see me

Handbagsonnhold Sun 06-Oct-13 17:41:21

Stop it! grin

YouTheCat Sun 06-Oct-13 17:41:25

Maybe she did call the firebrigade and they are looking for the fire?

If she has, I hope they charge her for the call out.

Picture of fire engine outside

Cos this just seems ridiculous grin

They've not come round yet. Dh is laughing helplessly now.

Vintagecakeisstillnice Sun 06-Oct-13 17:41:50


That's just so funny.

Vintagecakeisstillnice Sun 06-Oct-13 17:42:02


That's just so funny.

Vintagecakeisstillnice Sun 06-Oct-13 17:42:31

So funny I had to say it twice. . .

Wouldn't it be funny in a kind of black humour way if my house was actually on fire further up and I didn't realise

[sends dh to loft]

YouTheCat Sun 06-Oct-13 17:45:57

What would be really funny would be if it was hers. grin

It is hers!

Well, they've gone in her block of flats


Moxiegirl Sun 06-Oct-13 17:47:31


YouTheCat Sun 06-Oct-13 17:47:53

Omg! grin

Smoorikins Sun 06-Oct-13 17:49:06

She may well be dim enough to give her address rather than the address of the property on fire...

RevelsRoulette Sun 06-Oct-13 17:49:08

On a serious note, if it turns out she actually has called out the fire brigade to you, after calling out the police and being told everything's fine, just because for some weird reason she doesn't like the smell of a wood burner hmm then I hope they bill her for it.

BillyBanter Sun 06-Oct-13 17:49:41

You are going to feel really really guilty and sheepish if a spark from your chimney has set fire to the flats. grin

Maybe her flat is on fire and when she saw your smoke she thought it must be coming from you? confused

BodaciousTatas Sun 06-Oct-13 17:50:56

This has to go in classics

TeamEdward Sun 06-Oct-13 17:51:32

She must have led a very sheltered life...

Chippednailvarnish Sun 06-Oct-13 17:51:35

My dinner is now burning, whilst I'm on here waiting for an update!

The fire brigade has now gone

I am never going to know why they were here unless daft neighbour comes back!

<wail> I can't open picture!!

Chippednailvarnish Sun 06-Oct-13 17:52:07

Second vote for classics...

I would love to know what she told them and what they said to her!!!!

Just read this and grin

Please dont use her been young as the reason shes a bit dim. I'm young I wouldn't do that grin

LilRedWG Sun 06-Oct-13 17:55:53


Tuppenceinred Sun 06-Oct-13 18:01:17

They have gone to Chippednailvarnish's place. One of the neighbours has reported a smell... of burning... food. grin

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 06-Oct-13 18:01:45

Oh dear me shock is she forrin? I mean, from somewhere HOT, where the concept of heating your house is just totally alien to them???

You should have gone out and eyed up spoken to the firemen! They were probably 'in the area' as well, bored and thought they'd go and take the piss out of someone by explaining 'fire' to them grin

Beehatch Sun 06-Oct-13 18:02:16

This has cheered me up no end smile

Tuppenceinred Sun 06-Oct-13 18:04:13

I am upset that we didn't get any firemen photos.

fuzzpig Sun 06-Oct-13 18:10:44

clicky photo

(Sorry no actual firemen)

PatoBanton Sun 06-Oct-13 18:11:40

Oh wow grin

I hope they have explained it all to her.


Glittertwins Sun 06-Oct-13 19:22:01

Lol, I know where you were living now, I have a friend who lives a few doors away from your old place <stalk mode off!!>

BillyBanter Sun 06-Oct-13 19:24:01

She's there til thursday. you can go spy on her. and call the police if you see smoke.

Glittertwins Sun 06-Oct-13 19:26:19

Maybe I'll walk up the road on my way home tomorrow and look for wood burning metal flues coming out the chimney and an odd woman calling the police grin

Chippednailvarnish Sun 06-Oct-13 21:35:11

I have a vague recollection in the film "Gremlins 2" that there was a fire alarm with a verbal warning;
"Fire. Source of ancient heat and light, fire. This building is on fire".

Maybe you should send her a copy as an educational tool!

AnaisHendricks Sun 06-Oct-13 21:38:48

I am absolutely gutted that you are moving away from this priceless woman.

But good luck with it smile

StarfishTrooper Sun 06-Oct-13 21:45:00

She sounds hilarious OP!

But I can see why she might have been worried, it's not quite wood stove weather yet, unless you're abroad somewhere?

liquidstate Sun 06-Oct-13 21:47:36

Make sure you let the new people know what happened. And ask them to log on and keep us in the loop!

BatwingsAndButterflies Sun 06-Oct-13 21:47:43

This is amazing.

GemmaTeller Sun 06-Oct-13 21:47:48

wow grin

LegoCaltrops Sun 06-Oct-13 21:54:03

Hilarious. Another vote for classics.

Please OP knock on her door and ask if she's OK.

ClaraOswald Sun 06-Oct-13 22:10:16

A bit dim? That's being overly polite, isn't it?

Lj8893 Sun 06-Oct-13 23:45:57

Hahaha this is brilliant!

Perhaps the police asked the fire brigade to go to hers to give her a lesson in fires?!

ScarerStratton Mon 07-Oct-13 00:38:40

Err yes, could you please make sure your buyers are on Mumsnet. In fact, this is imperative.

oldnewmummy Mon 07-Oct-13 01:36:18

You beat me to it - I was just about to say can you ask the buyers to update us smile

differentnameforthis Mon 07-Oct-13 03:51:55

Err yes, could you please make sure your buyers are on Mumsnet. In fact, this is imperative

Agreed. If they are not on MN, you must leave strict instructions that they inform us of any further madness created by this woman!

Retroformica Mon 07-Oct-13 04:15:32

Daft but helpful

SockywockyWOOOOOdah Mon 07-Oct-13 06:05:57

Starfish, OP has some stuff to burn before moving house on Thursday.

FruOla Mon 07-Oct-13 07:50:43

grin grin

Euphemia Mon 07-Oct-13 08:24:32

Please say she came back!

marriedinwhiteisbackz Mon 07-Oct-13 08:34:18

Best thread for ages. You know that if you request an ambulance you can tell them it would be best to send a specialist MH/Psychiatric team don't you grin. She sounds more unwell than daft to me to be honest.

Did she come back?

WaitMonkey Mon 07-Oct-13 09:37:00

Is this actually true ? It's amazing. Best thread ever. This has to go in classics. Does your buyer look like she could be on here ? Please say yes. grin

Thank you for the clicky photo smile

That is just brilliant, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when daft neighbour was explaining to the firemen what the problem was. And I would love to have heard their reply to her!!

I hope you bump into daft neighbour once more before you move out!

LilRedWG Mon 07-Oct-13 22:37:55

Any further neighbourly news?

FruOla Tue 08-Oct-13 09:35:05

Laurie, you must light another fire in your stove before you move .... please grin

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