is my gf being unreasonable expecting me to do this?

(59 Posts)
captincaveman Sat 05-Oct-13 15:33:32

I have recently started a run of work which involves me working a 14 hour day, 7 days a week. It is a physicaly demanding, job and with the commute on top it is leaving me drained at the end of the day. My gf is a stay at home mum to two young children. Who r in school all day. But she has now decided, that the house needs redecorating. In time for christmas . I dont feel it needs doing, and just dont have the time. It is causing a rift between us. An i being unreasonable to ask her to. Wait. She refuses to tackle it her, her self. I do appreciate she cooks and cleans and sorts the kids out . We cant afford to get any one to do it. How can i make her see my point of view .

maddymoo25 Sat 05-Oct-13 15:36:37

I think she is being unreasonable if the house does not need doing or should help at least with the decorating

Beastofburden Sat 05-Oct-13 15:37:00

She has six hours a day, five days a week when the kids are in school. Even allowing for the school run, she has shedloads of time to run the house. Most of us do all that stuff when we get in from work. There is no reason why she can't do the redecorating. Why does the man have to do it?

Tell her to get herself down to B&Q .

Shreksfiona Sat 05-Oct-13 15:37:08

I really think that with the 14 hour days you will be doing, the last thing you will want to do when you get home is pick up a paint brush, tell her she is being unreasonable.


NotAnotherPackedLunch Sat 05-Oct-13 15:37:24

Welcome to MN captincaveman

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 15:37:53

Either work out when you can afford to get someone else to do it or schedule it for after your current run of work stops. i.e. present a few solutions rather than hashing the problem... If she still doesn't get it, she's BU....

BrokenSunglasses Sat 05-Oct-13 15:39:06

YANBU. If she has time to do it then she can get on with it herself, and if you don't have the time for it then you simply don't have the time. What's she expecting you to do, magic more hours in the day out of nowhere?

If the house really does need decorating then I can understand it being frustrating for her if she's in all day, but only if its a real mess.

Just tell her she's going to have to suck it up and wait, or pull her finger out and do it herself. Even if she needs help to do certain things, she can still have everything ready and prepared for when you do have time.

14 hour days, 7 days a week? How long will this run of work last? Because frankly, you won't last too long doing those kind of hours.

As for the redecorating for Christmas - what's behind that? Is she planning on inviting people she doesn't normally invite, and wants to impress? Most people have a reason for wanting things changed, what's hers?

ouryve Sat 05-Oct-13 15:45:33

Is there any reason why she can't do the lion's share of the redecoration herself? She's being highly unfair expecting you to do that work at this point in time. Do you think her real dissatisfaction is with the state of the house, or is she projecting unhappiness onto something she sees as fixable. Even with the kids at school all day, it's probably lonely for her doing mornings and evenings with the kids, with you gone all day.

Beastofburden Sat 05-Oct-13 15:51:31

Going back to what the OP can do to make her see his POV.

She wants it done for Xmas, presumably as you have family visiting. Can you spend Xmas with them instead?

And show her this thread. < waves at GF- sorry GF but you are BVVVVU>

clam Sat 05-Oct-13 15:58:06

Just when, exactly, is she expecting you to do this?
And why can she not do it herself? I do all the decorating in our house, and what I can't do (stairwells, for instance) we get someone in for. But I wouldn't dream of tackling any sort of decorating during term-time, when I'm run off my feet. We have a blitz in the summer holidays.

Bogeyface Sat 05-Oct-13 16:01:10

I do all the decorating here too. Its not hard, doesnt take that long and if you break it down into small jobs is a lot easier than many people think. Start with stripping any wall paper, then rubbing down paintwork, then painting, then papering. Its not hard!

Expecting you to do that on 14 hour days with no day off? very unreasonable.

RevelsRoulette Sat 05-Oct-13 16:05:15

Just because you don't have the time to do it (which I agree you don't) doesn't mean it wouldn't benefit from a lick of paint.

Why can't she do it herself? If she can't do everything she can do some bits. Anyone can strip wallpaper, gloss skirting boards and slap paint on a wall!

Then that leaves less for you to do and it may mean that it would be affordable to get someone in to do those bits that are left.

How long will you be doing this 14 hr, 7 day a week thing? could you not agree to revisit the idea after this has ended?

BillyBanter Sat 05-Oct-13 16:08:36

Do a little chart blocking out all the time you are out at work for the next x number of weeks and blocking out when she is unavailable and show her that.

Your employer IBU. Is your employer you? hmm

jamdonut Sat 05-Oct-13 16:09:03

I've got to be honest...I leave decorating to my husband because I really am absolutely rubbish at it!...which is why our house is in desperate need of doing,partly because he is too worn out after work to do it, and partly because we don't have the money to do what we want.

My mother-in-law can't understand why I don't do it myself, because she used to do all the decorating when she was younger,because FIL was always away from home (long-distance ,wide load driver).

I don't have an answer, I'm afraid. She seems to be expecting a lot. Would she mind giving it a go, or have you given her the impression that it is your domain. Perhaps (like me) she thinks that she would just make a mess of it, and doesn't want to look incompetent?

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Sat 05-Oct-13 16:10:01

She's being very unreasonable.

She should either decorate herself, or wait until it's realistic for you to do it.

If she has family visiting, stay at theirs instead.
If it's because it's messy, I'd just suck it up, nothing wrong with a little bit of fading colours.
I can't imagine it being so bad she needs to kick up a big fuss about this.

BillyBanter Sat 05-Oct-13 16:11:42

Practice makes perfect, Jam!

Not that it's made me perfect I'm terribly lazy slapdash DIYer.

TheCrackFox Sat 05-Oct-13 16:13:30

DH works insane hours so I have done most if the decorating (I only work 28hrs pw). I think she is being unfair on you to ask you to do it. When would you even have the time?

PeppiNephrine Sat 05-Oct-13 16:15:31

Tell the lazy cow to do it herself. What is she doing with her days anyway?

poppingin1 Sat 05-Oct-13 16:17:32

She is very U and comes across as quite selfish.

You should show her this thread.

poppingin1 Sat 05-Oct-13 16:19:34

Is she like this all the time?

Namechangesforthehardstuff Sat 05-Oct-13 16:20:23

Gosh isn't OP quiet?

LessMissAbs Sat 05-Oct-13 16:21:16

Is your girlfriend a perfect princess, waited on hand and foot by footmen and getting things done by clicking her fingers? If not, YANBU. BTW your employer is breaching the Working Tine Regulations

cathpip Sat 05-Oct-13 16:22:08

I have two toddlers and am a sahm, I have managed to decorate the house. your gf is being unreasonable and quite frankly lazy!

sarahtigh Sat 05-Oct-13 16:24:04

if I was working 14 hour days ( even if included commute) when I got home all I would manage is eating and sleeping that leaves 10 hours spare
working that long would require 7-8 hours sleep minimum add 20 mins for shower shave etc 20 mins for breakfast and possibly making lunch 1 hour for evening meal and a tiny relax and it leaves about 30 minutes unaccounted for per day to maybe read story to children open mail talk to GF

spanky2 Sat 05-Oct-13 16:24:46

I have 2 dcs at school full time. I run the house , garden and organise the children , bake cakes and cook meals from scratch. I also do all the decorating , present shopping and homework with dcs. My dh works long hours and I support him by doing everything else . She ought to appreciate how hard working you are and get stuck in!

CoffeeTea103 Sat 05-Oct-13 16:45:43

My DH works similar hours but 5 days a week. During the week I don't expect him to do anything because I can see how physically, mentally exhausted he is. Your gf is incredibly selfish and unreasonable!! Either she waits till you have time, or go ahead with knowing that she should expect very little from you.

she is bu in my point of view.
I have just decorated the lounge and hallway.
I am 32 weeks pregnant and my oh works 10 hours a day and has weekends off.
and I also have a son and work 4 days a week.
don't see why she cant give it a go at least.

Namechangesforthehardstuff Sat 05-Oct-13 18:48:41

Really, really quiet.

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 05-Oct-13 18:54:38

Namechange to be fair OP has said he's already doing these hideous long hours!

Namechangesforthehardstuff Sat 05-Oct-13 18:56:31

Yeah. That's probably why he hasn't been back. Probably. grin

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 05-Oct-13 18:57:43

Decorating is hard.

I tried doing the kitchen myself and DH has warned me never touch the decorating again. I had runs in the walls and it went every where it looked terrible . It took me a long time to get the kitchen straight and DH sorted my cowboy job out.

She is BU to expect you to do as your working hours are very long.

Bowlersarm Sat 05-Oct-13 19:00:02


Tell her it's unrealistic. Maybe after Christmas, if things have slowed down for you at work?

eurochick Sat 05-Oct-13 19:00:02

Your girlfriend is being very unreasonable. I have worked similar hours over the past month and there is no way I could have lifted a paintbrush afterwards!

If she wants it done, she can do it herself! You don't need a penis to decorate.

MrsWolowitz Sat 05-Oct-13 19:01:16

YANBU. Not at all.

If it really needs doing then she should do it herself. You have enough to be dealing with at the moment.

londonmum14 Sat 05-Oct-13 19:12:00

Something doesn't ring true about OP's post hmm

quesadilla Sat 05-Oct-13 19:29:38

She is BVVU. I wouldn't "expect" my DH to do decorating even though he doesn't (usually) work weekends...

Bogeyface Sat 05-Oct-13 19:33:59

Is this a reverse AIBU by any chance?

quoteunquote Sat 05-Oct-13 19:37:19

Lovely idea, totally unrealistic.

I'm desperate to re decorate, despite running a construction firm, having all the necessary skills, tools and free materials, it is impossible because neither of us have any time, and the time we do have we choose to spend on the children, I could get our decorators in, but the upheaval would be ridiculous.

Suggest she tackles a small room on her own during the day, and do one small space at a time, but adding another demand to the limited time you are at home will just causes problems.

Maybe the next time you have a break from full on work, you could plan to do a space, set a plan, so at least she has some sort of realistic future solution to look forward to.

and get a few quotes, you may be surprised, especially if she does all the prep, stripping, sanding, filling. There may be some middle ground, if she does the prep (about 60% of the work)

Everyone gets fed up of their space if they spend to much time in it, sounds like she needs a break.

Oh we both work really long hours, that never excuses either of us mucking in when we get home, if you lived alone, you would still have to cook, clean and all the other household tasks, so make sure she isn't compensating too much for your long hours, that never works long term.

captincaveman Sat 05-Oct-13 22:39:11

Thank u for the responses. I tried to bring it up with her but she just got up set with me. It has been a long day so i dnt want to argue. I agree with her that at the very least the bathroom is in need of doing. So im going to suggest i do this and hope that keeps the peace.

pictish Sat 05-Oct-13 22:41:51

Fourteen hour days, seven days a week? hmm

captincaveman Sat 05-Oct-13 22:56:42

Yes 12 hours working and two hours a day commuting. Its only for the next 6 to 8 weeks so im sure when i know what work will be like after that. we can discuss, it again thank u all again.

OP, considering the hours you're working, don't you have enough money to pay a decorator? We recently had our bathroom done. DW costed the job and worked out that it would only cost us 20% more to get somone in (apparently tradespeople purchase the paint at about 50% of the retail cost). He did a much better job than either of us would have done, and very quick too.

Custardo Sun 06-Oct-13 02:19:11

to be fair toadinthehole - you don't know his finances - he could hae a shit load of debt - or not - we don't know

i think your gf should do it herself if shes that bothered.

WiddleAndPuke Sun 06-Oct-13 02:43:35

Do you really have to ask?? Tell her to get stuffed!

LouiseAderyn Sun 06-Oct-13 18:48:50

while I agree that you dont physically have the time to do this now, I also think it is unfair to commit yourself to these sort of working hours unless your partner has agreed because it leaves her entirely responsible for everything at home. Unless she willingly signed up for that, it isnt right that you are effectively unavailable for any kind of family life.

You need for the mad hours to have an end date and you need to agree a time with your gf when you will be available to help her decorate. It is hard doing it by yourself if it is not naturally where your skills lie. She might well need help from you.

clam Sun 06-Oct-13 19:40:29

Do we know yet why she can't do it herself?
And you say she "got upset" when you brought it up? How old is she, 5?

parakeet Sun 06-Oct-13 19:58:34

What does she say when you say: "You're the one who wants it doing - why can't you do it?"

Personally I have tried wallpapering myself and gave up as found it very hard, but really, anyone can paint.

thehorridestmumintheworld Sun 06-Oct-13 20:20:27

gf is bu. Op you need to learn some assertiveness skills. Some ppl will get their own way by getting upset. If you feel she is being unreasonable you don't have to do what she wants just to stop her getting upset or angry. Just pleasantly but firmly say no and stick to it.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 06-Oct-13 21:50:15

YANBU at all. And her kicking off when you demur is just manipulative. Grow a pair and explain the situation - it's not reasonable to expect you to start decorating on top of a 12-hour working day with a 2-hour commute on top. Tell her to get off her arse and do it herself if it's really bothering her - otherwise she can wait till you have more time.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 06-Oct-13 21:57:28

goodness. no. you will not make a good job of it when you are so tired, nor in artificial light.

PresidentServalan Sun 06-Oct-13 23:41:14

YANBU - if she wants it done so much, suggest she gets off her arse and does it herself.

Lazyjaney Mon 07-Oct-13 07:05:29

She is being totally unreasonable, especially flouncing off when you disagree. I calculate if you're sleeping 7 hrs, an hour to sort yourself out in the morning and an hour to eat etc in the evenings, you're getting an hour a day free time.

You need to have a tough talk with splitting up effort, I'd start by seeking agreement that you both get the same amount of free time, and commuting time isn't it

CrohnicallyLurking Mon 07-Oct-13 07:12:33

You do realise that it's against working time regulations to comtinuously work a 7 day week? You should be getting one day off a week, or 2 consecutive days a fortnight. So if it's your employer placing demands on you, you should negotiate days off.

Beastofburden Mon 07-Oct-13 10:46:45

Captain, I suggest you show her this thread so she knows it is not just you being horrid to her. Actually a panel of hardworking parents with at least as much to do as she has, all say she is being lazy, entitled, and selfish.

Mojavewonderer Mon 07-Oct-13 11:24:42

Your GF is lazy and you are a mug to just give in when she gets upset.
Tiling a bathroom is easy and as long as she isn't expecting new fixtures and fittings she could easily do it herself. Even my mum can remove old tiles and put new ones up!

LessMissAbs Mon 07-Oct-13 11:32:05

Some people just won't sully their hands with what they consider manual work. Often its the most surprising people. I do a purely office-based, professional job, yet I've done up several properties and learned painting, decorating and tiling from scratch.

I recently saw a Facebook post from someone who doesn't work but lives off her boyfriend, for details for a painter and decorator to repaint a boxroom. I suggested she bought Dulux Trade Paint, a roller and a brush for the corners, and some masking tape and dust covers, and she made some sarcastic remark about being able to afford to pay for someone else to do it!

Bogeyface Mon 07-Oct-13 13:10:11

"I have no objection to it being done, but I am not doing it. I am sure that you could do it yourself if you really wanted to"

Repeat to fade.

she is bu, i want the kitchen redone before christmas, dp works shifts and doesnt have much time. thats why im doing it myself i suggest she does too

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