To think double barrelling DC's names is a bit selfish and is storing up trouble?

(81 Posts)
grobagsforever Wed 02-Oct-13 20:28:17

So couple has child. Couple not married. DC gets double barrelled name. Or couple marry, couple double barrel their name (or just woman does) and DC get that name. What are DC supposed to do when they have DC? Quadruple barrel perhaps? It's madness. Personally I am also aginist the father's name being taken as the default, very sexist and patriarchal. IMHO girls should get the mother's name and boys the father's. That way no names die out.

slightlysoupstained Wed 02-Oct-13 20:31:11
moustachio Wed 02-Oct-13 20:32:02

I think in lots of European countries (Italy for sure) the kids take the fathers name but the mother keeps hers. So she'd be Miss Smith and then Mrs Smith. That's what I'm planning on doing, although I'm a bit sad I won't have the same surname as DS, my name is important to me.

Osmiornica Wed 02-Oct-13 20:33:40

Erm, perhaps they could simply choose whichever surname or combination of surnames they'd like themselves. I don't see the issue.

grobagsforever Wed 02-Oct-13 20:34:50

Well yes, but how? They'd have to chop off part of their own surnames and 'favour' the GM or GF's name.

Rollermum Wed 02-Oct-13 20:35:39

I can see what you mean about the child needing to possibly address changing their name in future - though not all will need or want to.

But for me it was a way of giving DC both our names, which was important to me at this stage. We are married, have kept own names and DD has double barrel surname. If she were to marry it would be up to her to do what she likes.

SpiritOfTheBuskersCat Wed 02-Oct-13 20:35:45

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

CaterpillarCara Wed 02-Oct-13 20:35:47

Yawn. Honestly, this comes up so often. Name your children as you wish. They will name theirs as they wish. Leave everyone else to themselves - they will probably have good family / political / personal / cultural reasons for making the choices they do.

If you want to learn about those reasons, rather than just call them mad, then there is a Baby Naming section on here.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Wed 02-Oct-13 20:39:16

It used to be a sign of illegitimacy, then as a sign of two 'important' families merging, thus a vaguely upper class thing.

Now you can't move for double barrels and it strikes me as silly and try-hard. Especially as many are coupled with double barrelled first names.

Those poor mums sewing in the names...

RoadToTuapeka Wed 02-Oct-13 20:39:26

OP I have wondered that myself! I have a double barrelled surname myself but it goes back a way (ie not my parents joining their names), and it's a pain! I usually use half of it but on 'official' stuff I use the full name. Half the time I turn up to appointments and have forgotten which name I registered as.

My children have my DH's surname but each has a part of my surname as a middle name.

Maybe if two double barrelled people got together they could combine in any form with the 4 names? Could be endless permutations!

NiceTabard Wed 02-Oct-13 20:39:44

I married someone with a double-barrelled name. It is a PITA to write the whole bloody thing out but other than that, what's the problem? I could have kept my surname, I chose to have his (which was a surprise to lots of people, especially me!).

I think you have to be a bit unimaginative to see the existence of double-barrelled names as a terrible burden on the young people of today grin

(And anyway people have had double-barrelled names for yonks. Read any PG Wodehouse?)

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Wed 02-Oct-13 20:41:23

YABU what an odd thing to care about hmm

DD has her dad's surname, as does DS. It goes better with the first and middle names we picked and I hate my surname anyway. That said, I bagsyed choosing the middle names for both (they're family names from my side) and I think that's fair smile not that I really cared about them having their dad's surname.

NiceTabard Wed 02-Oct-13 20:42:25

Ooh I like this

"IMHO girls should get the mother's name and boys the father's. That way no names die out."

Assuming that everyone who has children has a nice selection of sexes. It's as bad as medieval times. You have to KEEP having babies until you have at least one of each otherwise the name will DIE <snort>

grobagsforever Wed 02-Oct-13 20:43:32

But what do you expect your DD to do rollermum? To retain her name and merge it with her DH's, which is what you had the luxury of doing, she'd have to triple barrel. So she won't get the same choice. It's just seems very short termist to me.

To others, I am minding my own business by posting about it on anonymous forum rather than asking my friends why they have done this. If my topics bores or irritates you the don't read it.

CaterpillarCara Wed 02-Oct-13 20:43:54

I don't have the same surname as my kids. I quite like that they have the same surname as each other though.

CaterpillarCara Wed 02-Oct-13 20:45:13

I think the topic is very interesting. I don't like the "it's madness", "its selfish and is storing up trouble" tone - that is hardly the tone you take when you are open to new ideas!

BrianTheMole Wed 02-Oct-13 20:45:33

Oh dear. I must be a bit selfish and storing up trouble for my dc then. Never mind, I'm sure they'll get over it.

grobagsforever Wed 02-Oct-13 20:47:12

Ok caterpillar you got me there, I was being a bit inflammatory to attract the AIBU hoards. Selfish no, short termist, yes.

JerseySpud Wed 02-Oct-13 20:48:03

I married a man with a triple barrel surname

Funnily enough i didn't add my name to it.

And our DD's have a double barrel surname. I thought it was cruel to give them triple.

NiceTabard Wed 02-Oct-13 20:49:00

I don't think my in-laws were being selfish and storing up trouble confused

There has been the sum total of zero trouble amongst his brothers and sisters when they got married.

They had an excellent reason for double-barrelling as well smile

grobagsforever Wed 02-Oct-13 20:49:21

Jersey, very pragmatic. Trim one name a generation! Maybe we should do away with surnames entirely....

grobagsforever Wed 02-Oct-13 20:50:18

So what did they do nicetabbard?

littlemissnormal Wed 02-Oct-13 20:51:05

I have a double-barrelled surname which is inherited from way down my paternal line.

When I was growing up it absolutely did my head in. All I've ever done is explain it to people in the past.

Now though I love it, but all 3 DCs have their dad's name and I am reluctant to let mine go as I am the end of our line now!

thistlelicker Wed 02-Oct-13 20:51:08

My friend double barrelled her dd name, she is an only child and female, so her family name dies when she gets married, she gave her dd the double barrel so she has then the option to carry on that name if she chooses, provided she doesn't have a son ! And she isn't married either if that makes a difference

PeppiNephrine Wed 02-Oct-13 20:51:25

Talk about finding things to get worked up about. Very few people double barrel. But they have been doing it for a long time and have you ever met anyone with 4 or 6 surnames? And if you did, what the hell difference would it make to you anyway?
I'm really struggling to see how anyone could possibly care about this.

CaterpillarCara Wed 02-Oct-13 20:51:50

It is no more short-termist than giving a daughter her father's surname, if she changes her name on marriage, it is wiped out in a generation.

In my daughter's case, maybe she will choose to use or combine my surname as thus far there are nine eligible boys to carry on her father's surname and no eligible boys on our side at all to carry on mine.

But that will be the choice of her and her DH.

We each only get to name one generation.

tallulah Wed 02-Oct-13 20:51:50

YABVU. We are married. We have 5 DC and all 7 of us have the same db name. DCs 1 -4 are adults, and shock horror, are all perfectly capable of deciding for themselves what they want to do.

Whatever they choose, I think I'm more grown-up than my PIL and will accept the name they want (be it our name(s), their spouses name(s) or any combination thereof) and call them by that name. Not decide they are turning their back on the family by deciding to do something different and deliberately call them what I think they should be called...

tethersend Wed 02-Oct-13 20:54:12

I agree with you, OP.

I gave DD1 my surname as her middle name for that very reason.

Then we had DD2 and I had to give her the same middle name grin

rhetorician Wed 02-Oct-13 20:55:33

Slightly different situation here. Same sex couple, children can't legally have my name as their surname, so the registrar suggested that dd1 have my surname as her third Christian name. That way my name is on her birth cert, passport etc. it is not double barrelled (mine and dps names begin with same consonant so bit of a gobful) although people often assume this. School, e.g. I'm not really a fan of it, but at least a compromise. I know loads of women who keep their own surnames, but all their dcs have their partners name. I can only think of one couple where the children have their mothers name.

grobagsforever Wed 02-Oct-13 20:56:26

I feel you pain tallulah. MIL insists on referring to us as the 'DP surname trio' and we are not even bloody married! I told her if we did marry I'd keep my own name and she looked at me like I'd just murdered a kitten. But then she also thinks I should enjoy washing DPs socks.grin

muchostinky Wed 02-Oct-13 20:57:05

OP I see what you are saying here, but I have a bit of an issue.

My DS has his dad's surname (let's say it's Jones), but we are no longer together and I am about to get married to my now DP(Smith). DS doesn't have the same name as anyone in our home and he sometimes gets quite upset about it. If we have children we will all have a different name from DS and we will be in the same predicament.

So I was thinking of asking DS's Dad if we could double barrel his name to my surname and his and when DP and I get married we would double barrel to mine (Thomas) and DP's surname. So that even though we wouldn't have the same name completely, we would all have some part of a name the same.

So DS's name would be ...... Thomas Jones and my, DP and any future kids would be called Thomas Smith.

Is this a really awful thing to do, or is it just a nice way of making us all a 'family'?

Thurlow Wed 02-Oct-13 20:58:32

Ooh, I said this on another thread recently (and got shot down as it was apparently assuming the kids would be too stupid to think of their own name hmm) I think YANBU.

I think double-barreling would be a great idea if there was a standard like there is in Spain etc for passing on the names. Say girls passed on their mother's name, boys passed on their father's name.

Otherwise I do agree, it is in a way just passing on the name decision to your kids. I can easily see how an adult child might find it difficult to know which of the names to pass on, or be worried that they would upset one of their parents by dropping their name. If a parent cared enough to want their name passed on, they might conceivably be upset if their child decided to pass on the other parents name and drop theirs.

Obviously it's not the world's hugest issue, but then most of MN isn't - what an odd thing for people to complain about. And I think historically most of the double-barreled names were probably passed on as they were to wives and children. Nowadays people are double-barreling because they want to see both parents names passed on to their child, so it is slightly different.

cerealqueen Wed 02-Oct-13 21:00:58

I'm very 'selfish' too. But better that than DP being 'selfish' and me being resentful.

Children took father's name as they were a possession in law, as were women. I am more than happy to buck that tradition.

DCs can choose when they get older.

My daughters have my surname. No way I was going to be different to my own children.

I like the idea of smoooooooshing surnames together
So Jane Ball and John Cockcroft become Ms and Mrs Ballcock smile

rosy71 Wed 02-Oct-13 21:10:19

People have had double-barrelled names for centuries so I don't know why it would suddenly start causing problems now. I would imagine most people default to the men keeping theirs and women changing to their husbands. E.g Mr Smith-Jones gets married to Miss Brown and they become Mr and Mrs Smith-Jones; Miss Smith-Jones marries Mr Davies and they become Mr and Mrs Davies. Other options would be to just pass on one e.g. Miss Smith-Jones and Mr Davies have children called Smith-Davies. It's a bit of a non-problem if you ask me.

spindlyspindler Wed 02-Oct-13 21:13:39

My OH has a middle name and both of his parents' names (not double barrelled) and he's picked one to use. But "selfish" is a bit of a weird take on it. Isn't it just as "selfish" for one parent to insist that the child gets their name and not the other parent's?

Kendodd Wed 02-Oct-13 21:17:32

I kept my name, my husband kept his name, children are all double barrelled. I think they have a right to both names and don't understand why loads of women choose to give a child just the fathers name, but then I don't understand why they would take the husbands name themselves, it seems so old fashioned. I think our solution is perfect, the children are easily traceable (in that people know who the parents are) and they have a connection to both our families. I do fully expect them to drop one name in adulthood though, I expect they'll keep my husbands name because it's nicer than mine, or they might keep both names, I do hope they don't take a partners name though, although I'll be keeping this view to myself.

I think two names gives people lots of options, and that's good. If they meet somebody also double barrelled they could use the best name combination for their children, contributing one name each, perfect!

Do you have children op? What did you do?

Thurlow Wed 02-Oct-13 21:34:04

What if the names don't go together?

I wasn't really interested in db'ing our names for DC, but our names do not go together in any way at all.

So db'ing is a nice idea, but not always possible.

(I'm hiding my irritation too that the general assumption is always that if DC have the dad's name, it's out of blind tradition and not a thought-through decision.)

RealAleandOpenFires Thu 03-Oct-13 03:59:53

As I've mentioned previously on another thread, we're both last of our lines. So DS has a DB our last names & hopefully he will keep both last names down through his own line/family.


Ok OP, just for arguements sake...What happens, if an only child has a rare & unusual last name (last of line) and s/he decides to get married should s/he:-

1) Take her/his "DP"s name...and let the name die out, full stop.?
2) Keep her/his own name.?
3) DB both names.?
4) Hope that her/his future "DP" will "take" her/his name.
4a) Marry into Landed Gentry/Nobilty, (who have of course, have their "Family Seat name") & add her/his name to the list.? (It has happened in the past, both for monetry/titular reasons)
5) Try to combine both last names into a name.?
7) Refuse to get married & tries to adopt.?


[Quote]Personally I am also aginist the father's name being taken as the default, very sexist and patriarchal.[/quote]

May I enquire why? Though I doubt that you're willing to answer.! But, I suspect there's a problem somewhere.

"Surname":- a corruption and/or contraction of the words "Sire's Name".?


AFAIK in the UK, the max No. of DB names is 6 (please feel free, to correct me...if I'm wrong!.).?

Sockywockydoodah Thu 03-Oct-13 04:09:34

For us it was a way to reflect both sides of our DC's heritage.

Your question is perfectly legitimate but your tone is really unpleasant, OP. Do you really think you need to phrase things in a way you know will upset people just to have a conversation? I think that's a shame.

OhMerGerd Thu 03-Oct-13 05:16:37

Double-barrellers here too. I use my surname and DP uses his. The DD are db'd. We are a family together the Xs the Ys and the X-Ys and people often call myself and DP Mr and Mrs X-Y . We answer to it but don't use or introduce ourselves that way. . Mine is an unusual surname. It was important to me to pass it on. Their dad's v ordinary name is not so important to him in fact he offered for us all just to be Xs. But we're all happy as we are and no we won't lose any sleep if the DDs marry Mr A-Bs ...they will work it out to suit their new family. I won't feel snubbed if they don't use my lovely name btw. We won't have a family feud and become estranged... And if myself and DP have done our jobs well as parents they'll pick men who are can discuss and choose what to name their children without breaking down.

Tailtwister Thu 03-Oct-13 07:43:50

Our family use the mother's maiden name as one of the middle names and for any children after that the GM's maiden name and so on. Don't see the problem of double-barelled surnames though, apart from being difficult to use in the entirety on official documents/bank cards.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 03-Oct-13 07:45:30

I'm going to assume that by the time my children are emotionally mature enough to form a lifetime commitment and raise their own children, they can also work out what to do about their surnames.

StainlessSteelBegonia Thu 03-Oct-13 07:50:06

Personally, for me one of the joys of double-barrelling is knowing that my sons will be passing my name on to young women who've been firmly raised to be believe they're being very unreasonable if they want to keep their names or pass them to their children in any way.

(My tongue is quite firmly in cheek, in case it's not obvious.)

fairyqueen Thu 03-Oct-13 08:37:05

I think DC taking their dad's name is fair. It's obvious who the mother is, but men have to trust that the a child is theirs. Giving their surname shows acceptance that it's their child. My DD has my surname as an extra middle name, but seems to be trying to be known as if double barrelled!

Thurlow Thu 03-Oct-13 08:59:18

My thinking was quite like yours, fairy. Plus DP had stronger views than me, a lot stronger (me? it's just a name, it's her unique name just as mine is my unique name, I didn't feel a strong urge to reflect anyone's heritage) - and our chosen first name went much better with his surname.

Hooya Thu 03-Oct-13 10:13:53

Having a kid in the first place, choosing its name, how to feed it, dress it, raise it etc etc is selfish. Naming is just one aspect and there's no getting away from it; any choice will be selfish in some way.

My awesome adorable 3 week old DS has a double-barrelled surname. We think it's a lovely way for his name to reflect his shared heritage. And we are planning to raise him to be sensible enough to be able to find a good solution to what surname to use if he marries and / or has children.

Weller Thu 03-Oct-13 10:36:22

It is becoming more popular, I have no adults friend with double barrelled names but know quite a few children. Never really cared or thought about it but assume the chances now of couples where both have double barrels will increase with four surnames to contemplate when they have dc.

MrsBW Thu 03-Oct-13 10:46:28

Frankly, I couldn't wait to lose my father's name and take my husband's.

My father is a dick. My husband isn't.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 Thu 03-Oct-13 10:49:12

I think it used to be quite unusual but has now been adopted by the many kids from different dads brigade, possibly to help them remember which father is for which child.

StainlessSteelBegonia Thu 03-Oct-13 10:57:23

And the most wonderful thing about the sons of the many-kids-from-different-dads brigade is that they'll marry YOUR daughters, NKrandomnumbers! And then your daughters will have a many-dads name!

Poetic justice. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it? grin

angeltulips Thu 03-Oct-13 11:04:40

I sort-of DBed (no hyphen but mine & DHs last names) as I wanted my name there + as we do lots of travelling w often just me, it's much easier at borders if I share a name w dc.

Can't see it's a problem - they can pick whichever name they prefer on birth of their kids or even before if they decide its too much of a pita to have 2 surnames plus my name is way cooler so am quietly confident they'd pick mine

crescentmoon Thu 03-Oct-13 11:06:05

i changed my dcs surname a few years ago by deed poll as i felt their names were very unwieldly and clunky. best decision ever.

DH and I db-ed when we got married, the DDs have the same db surname. When/if they get married they can do what they like with their surname because shock it's THEIR name not mine. I don't care what they do - the db is important to me, it may not be to them. Not my problem, not anyone else's problem.

BurberryQ Thu 03-Oct-13 11:12:06

how is it 'selfish' to want to share a name with my children who i carried and gave birth to?
i was married at the time but to someone who had no objection to me not changing my name.
my brother on the other hand got v foamy about it and said i had 'no right' to use my own name after marriage!!
now the children have two eleven letter surnames but are quite capable of choosing either or both.

BurberryQ Thu 03-Oct-13 11:13:58

I think it used to be quite unusual but has now been adopted by the many kids from different dads brigade, possibly to help them remember which father is for which child
that is just spiteful and nasty

5madthings Thu 03-Oct-13 11:17:18

The madthings have a double barreled surname, mine-dps.

We are not married and even if we did marry I wouldn't change my surname.

They actually go together well and the kids seem happy with their names, two of ours actually have two middle names so five names all together, its not caused a problem for ds1(14) to have a long name, so I assume it won't be a problem for did(2).

My mil didn't like it at all that we double barrelled and for ages would only use DPs name on letters etc, drove me mental but as soon as the boys were old enough they corrected her themselves! She started putting their full surname on things then.

As for labelling I just use a sharpie marker pen and write the surname on stuff, no sewing and no first namre as I hand stuff down.

The children are all free to do what they want with their names when they are older, ds2 actually went through a phase of insisting he was called fang rather than his name grin if they cha he their names or drop part of their surname or even all of their surname that is up to them and I won't mind.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 Thu 03-Oct-13 11:17:29

Not spiteful and nasty - merely an observation. Thankfully this forum is one of the few places left not subject to political correctness.

5madthings Thu 03-Oct-13 11:19:46

Yes Burberry that is just nasty, I couldn't be arsed to pull them up on it tho, still when posters make comments like that at least you know where you stand and that their opinion is probably not worth listening to grin

As it happens all of ,one have the same father, this surprises people as we are not married and had ds1 when we were young, men I don't care what people think, their judgment says more about them than me.

BurberryQ Thu 03-Oct-13 11:22:09

ok then a spiteful and nasty observation hows that? i refer to your use of the words 'brigade', and suggesting these mothers don't know who fathered their children.
the only women i know with children from different dads have made a point of having them share a name.
another observation is that people who start bleating about 'political correctness' on internet forums are usually nasty dicks using this as an excuse for their own vileness. just an observation ok?

squoosh Thu 03-Oct-13 11:27:12

Cool your jets and stop worrying about the surnames of future generations. You name your children, your children name their own.

There are long standing naming traditions which are completely different to the way that the UK does things. Shocking I know.

absentmindeddooooodles Thu 03-Oct-13 11:36:38

My ds has a double barrelled name. I see nothing wrong with it at all. Its not hideously long and this way he gets both his dads and my name too.
His dad and I are not together, and when I marry dp I intend to double barrel my name. That way ds and I will still have a name in common as he will do with his dad.
Seems a very trivial issue to me.

DesperadoSleepyTime Thu 03-Oct-13 11:41:24

I would have liked to double barrel but didn't for the very reason you mention. Instead I kept my maiden name and DD has my family name as a middle name and DH's name as a surname. That way if she chooses to double-barrel even unofficially in the future the name is there, plus I still feel as if I have passed my name on.

Lilka Thu 03-Oct-13 11:42:13

I find that people who bleat on about political correctness are usually not very nice, and often deliberately say as many offensive things as they can and just love having an 'excuse' to fall back on. Just an observation

Saying what you said is rude and offensive, full stop. Try taking responsibility for your actions/words instead of trying to blame others for your own actions(it's all societies fault not mine, whine whine whine)

My experience is that people who double barrell are usually either couples or parents who split up after a long term relationship. I barely know any single mums with more than one child whose children don't all have the mothers surname.

PeppiNephrine Thu 03-Oct-13 11:46:40

"political correctness" just means you get told off for saying the nasty offensive shit that you used to get away with in the 70's.
Anyone who uses the term is pretty much automatically a wanker.

lisac99 Thu 03-Oct-13 11:50:32

I've always had a db surname - it's been in the family for about 400 years.

I wouldn't change mine on marriage and if I had children and my partner had strong views about it, I'd want half of my surname and his to be our childrens name - that way both our family's names continue and it will be up to any children as to if they do the same.

GatoradeMeBitch Thu 03-Oct-13 12:01:02

It's a personal decision. DS has my surname because I insisted. I never liked ex-DHs name.

motherinferior Thu 03-Oct-13 12:03:39

I really think my lovely daughters will face greater challenges in life than the surnames of their putative children.

Kendodd Thu 03-Oct-13 12:10:27

IMO the best naming solution is -

Mum keeps her name unchanged whether married/remarried/divorced
Dad keeps his name unchanged
Children DB

This way if couple split up, mum/dad has more children/remarries etc children always share a name with their parent and any siblings whether full or half, you don't get a situation were one child has a different name to the rest of the family and it's obvious who a child' family are. I know there might be some rare exceptions were for some reason a person has to change their name though.

For the next generation
Mum keeps her (DB) name
Dad keeps his (DB) name
Children have one name from each parent (whatever sounds best) so they are double barrelled.

There, all sorted.

samandi Thu 03-Oct-13 12:42:24

Son and daughter both get double-barrelled names (or just two names).

When son marries he drops off the mother's surname. When daughter marries she drops off the father's surname. They then combine remaining names with spouse.

A perfectly simple, equal system :-)

Surprised that you haven't come across naming systems that have more than one surname. It's mentioned enough here.

samandi Thu 03-Oct-13 12:43:10

Oh, and this way all the kids share the same name while they're growing up. Also they share part of their surname with both their mother and father.

Thurlow Thu 03-Oct-13 13:27:52

The only reason I assumed people would be annoyed if their DC eventually decided to drop their part of the db surname is that they are obviously bothered/feel strongly about their surname enough to want it as part of their DCs name. It's not a massive leap to then imagine they might be slightly barked if their adult DC drop that particular name.

And with the assumptions awash on threads like this that children of unmarried couples should have their mum's surname for when the inevitable split occurs, and women who chose to have a different surname will end up regretting it... Hmm. You could counter that women who won't even consider the equal right of a Dad to pass on a surname and insist on the DC having their name feel somewhat less than comfortable about the lasting ability of their relationship...

motherinferior Thu 03-Oct-13 13:33:27

No, they're just bright sensible women who look at the stats on separation and/or divorce. (And/or have a boredom threshold, of course.)

YABU. Fully intend to do it with my own. I love my surname, I'm the only person in the country with my full name and there are less than 20 of us with the surname according to census details. I love DPs surname too and would want my kids to have both. If they want to keep/drop any part of it as they get older that suits me.

Milkjug Thu 03-Oct-13 13:59:34

Not giving our son both our names was never an option for us. He has two parents, with two surnames they are, perfectly reasonably, attached to, for personal and professional reasons. The only discussion was which order the names worked best in.

A good two thirds of the children we meet of roughly his age (toddler) have both their parents' names.

You are quite at your liberty to see it as 'try-hard', but I see it as progress.

Thurlow Thu 03-Oct-13 14:18:48

Motherinferior, I'm sure they are. I was just trying to find a point to make against the perennial assumption on MN that women whose DC have the dads surname did so blindly following tradition. I'd imagine most women who decide to keep their own name on marriage or not to get married at all are unlikely to simply then follow blind tradition on names. Different scenario if you're planning on getting married and changing your name later.

AllBellyandBoobs Thu 03-Oct-13 14:53:53

My dd has a double barrelled surname as do I. It was important to me to keep my surname and give it to my daughter, my husband wanted us all to share his name. The names aren't hyphenated so it seems a bit easier to choose whichever I/she wants to use if not both, she can also make up her own mind when/if she gets married/has children. It was a selfish decision (as is choosing any name really) but I doubt it will leave any lasting scars on her psyche

Andcake Thu 03-Oct-13 15:04:11

we didn't hyphenate for the exact above reason soo my surname could be an extra middle name. his choice when he is older.
I have a Ds but if i had a DD i would be appalled if she changed her name on marriage (she would probably do it to spite me then) - i just think its so sexist and derogatory.

i'm not a huge feminist but how are women ever going to be seen as equal if we all doey eyed change our names on marriage. Girls scrawling there name with the boy they likes surname just makes me think there is no hope for equality.

Dahlen Thu 03-Oct-13 15:09:59

Given that when couples with children split up (as 50% will) 92% of those children will live with mum and of those 20% will lose all contact with their father, I think the default position should be that DC adopt mother's name, and that on marriage men should adopt the woman's name.

Or, everyone can just do what the hell they like. grin

Kendodd Fri 04-Oct-13 09:58:04

I have a Ds but if i had a DD i would be appalled if she changed her name on marriage (she would probably do it to spite me then) - i just think its so sexist and derogatory.

Me too

Given that when couples with children split up (as 50% will) 92% of those children will live with mum and of those 20% will lose all contact with their father, I think the default position should be that DC adopt mother's name, and that on marriage men should adopt the woman's name.

Actually, thinking about it logically, you're right. After all it makes the most sense if children have the same name as the person they live with and future proofing that as much as we can.

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