To feel miffed that DP won't support me at the doctors or am I overreacting?(40 Posts)
I gave birth to our DS 10 weeks ago. Was a bit traumatic - drip, theatre, spinal, forceps, episiotomy - and things don't seem quite right yet.
Doctor suggested that we wait til 12 weeks to have a look at the internal scarring, combining it with smear, coil fitting (not overly keen but ruling out hormones and needing a few years gap til dc2 there aren't many options) and baby's next round of immunisations.
When DS was 5 weeks, we got a kitten. She needs the second round of her jabs in the next couple of weeks. DP has the car for work and, as kitten-toting and baby-wrangling are impossible to do without a car, he's taking the day off to enable kitten appt.
With this in mind I thought it would be a good idea to do everything on the same day so cat gets jabs and I get support too. Due to trauma of the birth and significant previous anxiety re intimate examinations, the thought of 2 and a half procedures at once is terrifying enough, let alone having to contend with post-vaccine upset baby and mile and a half walk home.
However, there is an event happening the week before that we'd talked about taking DS to with friends. This would require DP to be home due to afternoon start. He wants me to arrange cat jabs for that day. He can't/won't take both days off.
I feel pretty let down. AIBU or just selfish to want things arranging around me for once?
Sorry for essay- it's complicated!
What's more important to you, going to the event or your DP accompanying you to the doctor? If he will only take one day off, decide what you'd rather do.
Does he know how important it is to you? I wouldn't be able to take random days off for both these things, so I don't think HIBU if it's can't rather than won't.
What are his work like? If he has to take the time off as unpaid I could understand why he can't take two days off. How far is your vets? Can't u just get a taxi. Don't wish to sound rude but I don't know any job that would allow a dhole day off to take a pet to the vets (unless it was seriously ill) . What's the event?
Also, I often won't ask for time off unless it's really necessary. Office politics and all that. I may technically be able to take leave, but the reality can be impractical.
agree that it may not be that easy for him to take both days off.
if you really want him there then arrange the doctor visit for that morning instead and deal with the kitten jabs another time.
OR... do neither your gp or vet offer saturday appts?
He has a few days of annual leave he needs to take before Christmas. The event is a fair that's on for ten days. We could go on a Saturday but it would be more busy than a weekday. We could also go after he gets back from work but his friends have their baby in a routine which would make it impossible to go together.
I could, possibly manage cat and baby in a taxi if I took baby in carrier (don't need car seat in cab). But it's as if the cat appt is now his excuse for a day off.
GP does Saturday appts but nurses don't work then (needed for jabs and to assist coil). Vet does weekends but don't know how easy it will be to get a timely appt.
I guess the cat issue is a bit of a red herring- really he's choosing the fair over me.
So you can go to the fair on other days? Can you not do that and have 1 day where you and kitten get sorted?
As I asked previously, does he know how you feel about your appointment?
Then you need to tell him straight. He might just see it as just one of the check ups and appointments of which there are many, that you have with new babies. My dp didn't come to any jabs or check ups and I wouldn't have asked him to I just took one or both the kids along. Have you actually told him what's going to be happening and that it's an intrusive procedure rather than a quick stop? Tell him again!
There's still nearly three months till Xmas and I can see why he would want to save the time to perhaps enable longer off at Xmas or to save for an energency.
I have tried to explain the nature of the appointment but he doesn't seem to appreciate it- possibly he thinks after the every-man-and-his-dog outcome of DS's arrival that it doesn't bother me any more.
I always knew I'd have to tackle smear and coil but had anticipated maybe getting a babysitter to watch DS for a while. That would be tricky for breastfeeding reasons. But as DS needs to be at the appt and mine can't happen before then it seems logical to combine them.
It was only when they said make sure you bring him in the pram so there's somewhere for him to rest while sorting me that I realised the scale of the operation. Also means I'd have to walk to the surgery and not get cab (possibly ill advised post-coil).
If I was on my own I could dissociate and get through it but could really use a hand with DS - ideally someone I can trust.
Tbh my dp would have thought the same. I sober months being pined and prodded and examined, most of which I was alone for, there's no way he'd have thought a coil would be any worse than that or that if need him after being fine on my own before.
If that's the mentality then tbh your probably better off without him there as he wouldn't know what to say or do. And as for the cat appointment it wouldn't have occurred for me to ask dp to take a day off for it so combining with the fair does make sense.
Maybe he has plans for the rest of his time off and doesn't want to use more then he has to. Take a friend to watch your Ds and get a taxi home but give dp a shopping list for when he gets home. Wine, chocolate, DVD , calpol for baby and pain killers for you.
I don't think combining ds and your app is a good idea because you will end up listening to him cry for you from the pram it's inevitable!
I think you just need to do gps in the am fair in the afternoon. Can you walk to vets? Baby in pram cat in basket under the pram?
Get a mate to take the cat in? Get a Saturday app?
I think you are putting deliberate blockers in because you want dh to "realise" how traumatised you are tbh. Just stop faffing about and tell him straight.
When I had the copper coil fitted, I was told not to drive and to bring someone with me to be sure I got home safely - as it is very common to feel dizzy/lightheaded afterwards. Luckily I was fine (even drove myself home after sitting in the waiting room afterwards to recover for 15 mins) but the GP and the nurse both commented how unusual it was for me to be absolutely fine during and afterwards!
IIWY I would phone the clinic and ask to speak to the nurse - they will probably say the same thing (ie. bring someone). If your DP is as useless as he sounds, could your mum or MIL come? Friend/sister - anyone?
FWIW I love the copper coil, never had any problems. Slightly heavier periods but much better than having to remember the pill!
Or actually if you can disassociate then send dh off with ds to jab the cat. You have your app he comes and gets you and you all go to the fair.
Book ds vaccs the week before/after. Otherwise he might be too grumpy for the fair.
A smear and a coil fitting will be done and dusted within 10 minutes. I am sure baby will sleep in the pram behind the curtain. Mine did.
I took two Nurofen and one paracetamol before the procedure, to minimize on pain. I drove straight home and chilled.
I had to take DD2 for post birth check and smear and logistically was stuck on that day. I just asked our GP if there was a spare set of arms anywhere around the practice and a lovely Health Care Assistant appeared to cuddle DD in the same room as us but over in the corner behind the curtains. Baby could hear me and was literally a few minutes before I was cuddling her again, then popped next door for her imms with practice nurse.
I'm sure they'd help you out, in everyone's best interests not to have to rearrange everything.
Don't mean to sound harsh but many times you'll find you need to manage complex tasks with your newborn. You just have to take a deep breath and do it, soon you'll feel so much more independent. Often, out and about, such at vets appt, you'll find a willing helper from the general public, people are very willing to help new mums with bags, carriers etc..just look around a bit for likely looking folk.
I had someone come with me for my first internal after ds was born (drip, ventouse, episiotomy). I was having symptoms and had a (dang forgotten the word but when a bit of the wall collapses). There was quite a poke around and it was good to not have my son in the room with me.
My other story is when I went to have (that word that I've forgotten) sorted at the physio I took my son. He started crying whilst I was being examined (that made two of us then!) and the physio started rocking the pram to calm him down. She had one finger up my fango and one rocking my new born baby and she turned and asked me to try and relax 'down there'. I laughed a LOT (and then I did a little wee on her).
So, having shared my humiliating stories, it may well be sensible to have someone look after you baby while you have your appointment and you may need to spell it out to your partner (or beg someone else to come along!).
If it does hurt though, I promise it gets better!!!
If you drive can you just take your DP to work one day then have the car to do all the other tasks? Or could he get a lift/public transport.
If you really want you DP's support at the medical appointment it sounds like you will need to spell it out to him. I have been to many medical appointments including smears, coils etc with BF babies in tow. Just take them in a car seat or pram so they have somewhere to go. So long as they can see and hear me mine have all been fine, if a welcome distraction for me so I don't think about what is being done to me. I was fine to drive after my coil was put in.
With your first DC the logistics all seem impossible but with practise and more children it does get easier.
Do your appointment and the cat on your DP's day off.
Go to the fair at the weekend.
I think you'd be better accepting that you can't do everything you want to, so prioritise the important stuff. Your health stuff would be more important than going to a fair on a weekday imo.
Have you a close and supportive friend who could come with you and help with the baby and drive you home again? I completely understand where you are coming from. After Ds1 was born, the sort of scenario you are facing would have been a complete no - no - no bloody way. I think I'd have been telling DH that if he ever wanted sex ever again, he would have had to come help!
After Ds2 was born this wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest, but that's the difference a traumatic delivery makes!
Saying how well you all coped with these procedures may be less than helpful to the OP. I get the impression that you are very nervous about having the coil/smear/inspection after everything you have been through with a traumatic birth, and I think this is not an unusual way to feel at all.
You deserve to be supported by your DH during this if that is what you need. Spell it out to him.
I have a phobia of internal exams and no amount of other people telling me that it is not a problem is every going to make me feel I DON'T need support.
My whole life is a logistical nightmare! DP works a 75minute commute away, leaving during the typical morning cluster feed.
DS vaccinations/my appt takes place a week after the fair. Could cancel my part of the appt but then my suspected prolapse (that the word Katy?) wouldn't be investigated for a while longer, plus we currently haven't attempted dtd yet which makes coil fitting asap important.
If I could get the practice to reschedule it so I get sortedbbefore DS jabs that would be easier.
There is a small possibility that a friend could help (she also has a car).
I could probably manage the cat on top of the pram (won't fit under) as it's only a mile to walk.
So I'm happy to sort the cat out. How do I get dp to understand the gp situation so he offers to help rather than prefer the fair?
Thanks Humphrey - I appreciate that. I struggle massively with internals. And DP knows why! Getting 3 done at once is both a stroke of genius and a worst nightmare for me.
I really don't think you should attempt this without support. I hope your DH comes on board.
You shouldn't attempt to walk home after a coil fitting, esp if you feel wobbly and you have a pram to cope with. Really.
I would warn against having a coil in at 3 months, just purely from my own experience and no medical expertise: I had a Mirena in when DS2 was 3 months old. I know why they do it - the cervix is still nice and soft. But my uterus just rejected the whole idea. It was grumbly and painful with slight bleeding for months. I persevered for 6 months and was about to have it out because frankly it just depressed me.
I'm really glad I have a Mirena now (on my second one), because I have no periods and previously mine were v painful, but wanted to tell you my experience.
Ps. the coil settled really quickly the second time which led me to conclude it was the fact I'd not long given birth, the first time that was the problem.
Re coping with internals. GP prescribed mt Co-codamol and Mefenamic acid
Re: the cat. Could you throw money at the problem - are there vets that do home visits? Don't know but it might be worth finding out
A quick google suggests home-visiting vets exist ...
Right if you want his support spell it out:
"imagine DP if 2 months ago some bugger came along with a large pair of tongs and shoved them up your bum then waggled them around a lot, until a bit of your colon collapsed, then stitched you up and gave you a kick in the balls as a parting gift."
Now imagine I told you tomorrow you were going to go in and have a different bloke shove his hand up your bum while holding a motor spring and a spatula. During this you had to hold DS while he screams in your ear".
You have no choice about doing this.
Would you want me to come hold DS and treat you to an icepack and a cold beer after?
Well go away, have a little think and tell me if you would still like to go to the fair.
<<sweet slightly dangerous smile>>
Tell him. Tell hims that if he asked for your help you would give it to him, and that is what you expect him to do as well
Instead of getting him to offer to help you'll have to tell him that you need him to help. Make it clear.
I remember having to get the bus to the hospital with my first baby when they were only 3 weeks old. Was worried about the bus, was worried about baby vomiting everywhere and screaming (both things they did A LOT) on the bus, was worried about the tests, was ill with depression, anxiety and was grieving for my dad who had died the week before.
Could so have done with my dh coming to but he had only gone back to work a couple of days before. I waited for someone to offer to help but no one did.
Inlaws said i had to just get on with it but years later were horrified at the idea of their other gcs getting a bus and they were about 8 years old not 3 weeks. (a bit off topic there but still pisses me off)
But anyway what Im saying is that it might be a good idea to be more assertive.
Or . . . Don't get the coil fitted and so no sex. Wait for dh to complain.
Getting a smear and a coil fitted (at the same time) is a pretty big deal.
You will feel sore afterwards. Explain to your husband that you would appreciate his support because you may feel pain and discomfort. It would be good if you could go for a lie down too, once you get home. You are not be unreasonable at all about this.
The kitten's jags can wait, you are the priority.
Start off being assertive too. I don't know what happened to me after the birth of my first baby. I felt really guilty about needing help and not coping, and there were times I wished I asserted myself more with DH.
If I hated internals and was sore post-birth I wouldn't have a coil fitted. I would use condoms, and avoid most fertile time of month. Or abstain from sex, which wouldn't be a bother so soon after a baby at all, for me.
If I decided to go ahead with coil anyway, I'd want some support. I might suggest Dh had a coil fitted himself before judging whether or not I needed support.
why dont you wait a while longer? theres no rush at all. Dp can use condoms, the smear can wait a few more weeks surely? Your baby can have the jabs with you there relaxed and waiting for a cuddle, your dp can take kitten to vets on a saturday ( again it can wait a week if needed) or you can walk kitten to vets in a box under the pram, I think that you are stressing when in reality its fine for the gp to say lets do it all together, but in reality you are not ready yet xxxx
Hello just thought I'd update... so... by a series of events, the universe has conspired to help me out.
I'm walking the cat to the vets today, box on top of pram.
Our friends have decided completely out of the blue not to take their DS to the fair after all - was so out of the blue that I wondered if she'd read this!
So we will take ours on a Saturday afternoon.
And... DP has agreed to take off the appt day. I still don't think he realises the scale of it, but will make sure he's briefed beforehand so he says the right things (it's unreasonable to expect him to know how to react if he doesn't know what I'd expect/hope for).
Many thanks for all your comments. Fingers crossed both dates work out okay!
Thanks for getting back to us. Hopefully this will be the start of you being able to ask and him being able to listen
even if he has an afternoon can you not just do both appointments anyway? vets and drs? vets wont take long tbh.
and then go to the fair at the weekend
just tell him what has to happen as its best for you!
do you drive? can he not get alternative transport for theday so you can have car?
woooooo I am well shit at reading threads
glad it worked out!
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