WIBU to move out and take everything

(976 Posts)
FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 08:15:54

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

He is being very unreasonable. His parents are being arses too.

It isn't so much that you need all those things, but that your daughter does. A father and grandparents who would chuck their baby/grandchild out on to the street with only her clothes ... well that's not somebody I'd want to have to pass the time of day with, let alone live with.

He can't unilaterally keep everything without compensating you. Can you tot up an estimate of the value of the things he wants to keep that you bought together, down to the last bedsheet and spatula, and present him with a bill for half?

Good luck.

skittycat Mon 30-Sep-13 08:22:11

Honestly... no I don't think YABU... you have your DD to look out for and it sounds like your Ex and his family are being a bit spiteful.

I would at least try and take some of the essentials (washer etc).

JourneyThroughLife Mon 30-Sep-13 08:22:15

YANBU. As you say, you've lost everything and he has a job. And if you both put money in, you're due something back from that. I'd just go and take as much as you can get hold of, leave him to argue about it later. In addition, you have a child so you're going to need big items like washing machine and dryer anyway...

MaidOfStars Mon 30-Sep-13 08:24:12

If the stuff was bought with joint finances, then it should be jointly split. Practically, this would mean one if you has the fridge, one of you has the sofa, and so forth.

Why is he insistent on keeping everything? Why does he think he has a right to do so?

pudseypie Mon 30-Sep-13 08:25:21

Sounds like he and is family are being rather mean (am being polite btw). I'd take the lot while he's out at work. YANBU, he is.

CwtchesAndCuddles Mon 30-Sep-13 08:29:32

Don't rush and move out yet - the tenancy is in your name, please check your rights first. Contact CAB and Shelter for advice.

Where would you go?

I think your ex and his parents are very unreasonable!!!

notapizzaeater Mon 30-Sep-13 08:32:04

They are fools. I'd stay put and ts lots of advice. Iirc thy cant just put the rent up by a huge amount.

ChasedByBees Mon 30-Sep-13 08:35:05

I think they are acting illegally and being so cruel. I would get legal advice. Your OH can't insist you leave everything if you paid half. What an absolute bastard he is.

StanleyLambchop Mon 30-Sep-13 08:35:29

XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing.

He can 'say' whatever he likes, doesn't mean you have to comply! I would get some free legal advice (Citizens advice?) and then move what you can while he is out at work!

olgaga Mon 30-Sep-13 08:38:10

When does your tenancy agreement end? Is it a proper contract and did you pay a deposit? Did you rent it furnished or unfurnished?

Harryhairypig Mon 30-Sep-13 08:42:56

Unless you are staying there for free you have a tenancy agreement and they can't just kick you out. If your Exs name isn't on tenancy agreement he can't move in. Get advice from shelter ASAP. You will probably have to split furniture etc if jointly owned.

grumpydwarf Mon 30-Sep-13 08:44:35

When I left my ex I moved out with only mine and my sons clothes. Don't do this! My ex threw away most of my stuff and bought new thing so I had nothing. If u can find receipts for any of the big purchases then take them items an the receipts (proof of ownership) anything else bought either ask him to pay u half for them or take them and offer him a token amount for then.

Personally I think u should try and get some legal advice as the tenancy is in ur name and ur PIL sound like complete arseholes! I'm sure there must be laws to stop landlords just kicking u out over something like this. Feel no guilt and put ur child first. Doesn't sound like the father or grandparents will.

LePamplemousseMousse Mon 30-Sep-13 08:47:22

I would second getting legal advice. Call your local CAB as the first point of call. I'd be interested to see what you tenancy agreement says about when/under what circumstances the rent can be raised, especially if the agreement is in your name (so you rather than your OH would be liable). They may not be able to raise the rent until a particular point in the year, for example, and they should have to serve you notice if they try and evict you so I hope you'll have a bit of breathing space to sort this out. They sound like absolute bastards, I have to say, especially with a grandchild involved.

If you have jointly paid for the goods then you should definitely split them. Are you sure he meant it, or said it in the heat of the moment? Can you try and talk to him and emphasise that he is disadvantaging your DD and making her life in any new home much more difficult and unpleasant by doing this? Do you have the evidence (bank statements, receipts etc.) that could prove you paid your part? AFAIK if you are not married (you call him your OH) it is much more difficult to deal with splitting finances as a 'common law wife' has no status in actual law. Unfair as that is.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 30-Sep-13 08:49:20

It would be fair for you to take things to the equivalent value of what you contributed, but it would not be fair for you to take more, and it would be theft if you took anything that was there before you moved in.

If he supported the decision for you to leave work and become a SAHM, then he should be more financially supportive of you until you are able to get settled somewhere new and have found a job. Then he will have to contribute half of your childcare costs.

Nanny0gg Mon 30-Sep-13 08:59:40

FarOverTheRainbow I am so sorry that you are being treated so badly.
Please ask MNHQ to move this to relationships where you will get very knowledgeable advice from people who have been where you are.

Get legal advice pronto. If the tenancy is in your name they cannot chuck you out or put the rent up overnight. But you must find out your rights and get some breathing space to organise a new life for you and your DD.

Citizen''s advice and a free half-hour from a family lawyer to start you off.

Good luck.

Tailtwister Mon 30-Sep-13 09:03:19

Your XP and his parents are being very unreasonable and cruel. They are banking on you becoming intimidated and giving in.

I also think you should get some legal advice. You also have a child together, so his financial obligations will have to be worked out for her too.

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 30-Sep-13 09:07:23

Its unfair to take everything, what you need to do is work out anything you each bought separately and what you bought joint. Aything joint needs to be split 50/50.

Your landlord can issue notice without giving a reason as long as they comply with any tennancy contract. Staying put and letting them evict you would simply add to the stress and atmosphere so it may be better to try and find something sooner rather than later. Your OH will have to pay child support and perhaps if you can keep things amicable you can agree a little extra whilst you find work but hes under no obligation to support you.

Is it too late to go back to your old job as sounds like you would be near the end of what was your maternity leave?

caramelwaffle Mon 30-Sep-13 09:13:22

Ask for this to be moved to MN Legal.

Your Ex and his family are nasty and you are well rid (even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment)

GangstersLoveToDance Mon 30-Sep-13 09:26:47

It would be fair for you to take things to the equivalent value of what you contributed, but it would not be fair for you to take more

I completely, completely disagree with this.

Out of the items in my house (furniture/white goods/laptops and other digi things etc) - almost without exception, df has paid 2/3 to 3/4 of the cost. This is because he earns about £15k more a year than me.

If we split up, I would want half - not just the 'value I had contributed'. [hmm}
Since we have been together, I have had two lots of 12month maternity leave, staying at home to look after OUR children. As a result my career progression has obviously been affected due to time out of the office. I have made little progression in terms of position or salary. His however, has gone from strength to strength and in the past 9 years he has gone from a casual worker in a call centre to obtaining a management NVQ and is now a retail manager of a very well known store, on a very good wage.

His career progression was supported by me, all the way through from the bottom. Why should I not be entitled to half?

Beastofburden Mon 30-Sep-13 09:30:20

Another person here advising you OP to not take everything your ILs say as the truth. As your head is in a mess, get some advice from someone experienced, calm and not involved. Start with CAB and Shelter.

You may well end up in a better place, with your own home and your own income from child support and state support. There will be help to replace major household items. Go get some advice.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 30-Sep-13 09:39:08

Gangsters, this isn't about you or your situation, I answered based on the very limited amount of information in the OP.

People have a responsibility to provide for themselves, even when they become mothers. There are two parents in this situation and both of them need certain things in order to live, and to provide a home for their dd when she is with them. Neither of these two adults are entitled to everything that was bought from a shared pot of money, which is what they both seem to want. If the split is going to be made fair for both people, then they have no choice but to share.

GangstersLoveToDance Mon 30-Sep-13 09:54:15

I'm not disputing that things should be shared.

I was replying directly to your comment that she should only take 'the value of what she has contributed'. Which IMO is not the case. What If he has contributed financially to 2/3 of the stuff, in a similar situation to myself (hence the example).

I was pointing out that it's not always as simple as 'take what you bought' - which your comment seemed to be saying.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 09:54:53

Thanks for all the replys. I'm going to contact citizens advice today. He is very money orientated and everytime he seems to speak to me is about money and not once has he asked about his daughter but he is see'ing her today for a few hours.

There's no way I can go back to my old job.

I'm moving back to my mums but he said to go to the council and tell them I'm homeless so I can get a bed in a shelter.

We have a holiday booked together, and he isn't happy because I've refused to sign it over so he can sell it to his friend and keep the money

caramelwaffle Mon 30-Sep-13 10:01:22

Fair is not the same as equal.

The family law courts agree with gangster on this especially where providing for children are concerned.

Far you really should start looking into how to financially and physically disentangle yourself from your PIL and ex.

www.entitledto.co.uk

www.gov.uk/browse/benefits

www.citizensadvice.org.uk

TessTackle Mon 30-Sep-13 10:02:02

You 100% are entitled to at least half of what is there.
Seeing as he earns and you don't, get a van rented when he's not about and take it all. He sounds a complete and utter arsehole. You should be ale to get on a council waiting list (depending on your area) but I'd definitely recommend staying at your mums over a shelter, they're no place for children, trust me.

Hope it all works out for the best, you deserve better thanks

caramelwaffle Mon 30-Sep-13 10:03:09

Go and enjoy your holiday

Let him stay here and mope.

Good luck with everything.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 30-Sep-13 10:05:56

Gangsters, I think that depends on how long they have been together. I agree with you that if you have spent years building a whole life based around sharing that with someone else, then financial contribution is not the only thing that's relevant.

But in shorter relationships, I think the amount that each person contributed to the relationship counts. Otherwise you could have a couple with a child the same age as OPs where one person brings next to nothing and the other provides everything, and the latter gets completely shafted.

OP, you are doing the right thing by going to citizens advice. You need to stop listening to what you ex says, because you appear to be giving it far too much value at the moment, and get advice from people that can help you legally.

Glad you're taking legal advice. Your ex and his parents are heartless, bullying sods employing tactics of intimidation. My understanding is that in this kind of situation, the court's first responsibility is to the most vulnerable person, and that's your DD. The fact that you have a proper tenancy agreement in place should help your cause greatly. Hopefully you'll be able to stay in the house at least in the medium term, and be able to take a fair share of your stuff when you go.

iwantanafternoonnap Mon 30-Sep-13 10:09:59

I am so sorry you are going through this but believe me any man who thinks it is acceptable to behave this way towards his child and mother of his child is not worth your time and energy as he is clearly an arse. His family are also complete an utter bastards.

Get in touch with CAB, hire a lorry and take whatever you can out of there and put it in storage. My ex told me he was hiring a van to come and collect the furniture from our house....the furniture I had paid for as he hadn't paid a penny. I changed the locks and threw his stuff out on the driveway and it was well worth the £120 I paid.

Be prepared for a very bumpy ride as he and his family are already showing their true colours by forcing you out with nothing to show for what you put in. Contact CSA straight away and I mean today as they payments will only start from when you lodge it.

Stay strong, try and remain dignified and refuse to argue back with them. I didn't and regret acting like a screaming harpy!! Do not beg him to come back to you as he has clearly made his mind up and would not be surprised if their was another woman waiting in the wings.

Be very kind to yourself. xxxxxxxxxx

AuntySib Mon 30-Sep-13 10:12:38

You don't have to move out until/unless you are formally evicted. Your inlaws need to serve proper notice on you, and can't just put up the rent if you have a proper tenancy agreement.
Citizens Advice should be able to help.
I agree with other posters, make a list of what you've contributed.
By the way, I wouldn't normally ask, but you say the rental agreement is in your sole name, and he sounds really mean. Who paid the rent? if you did, then I would be asking him for a contribution towards it if he was livng there.
I'm wondering why the agreement was in your name only. Thinking it may for tax purposes. Might be worth checking this out, and possibly using it as a lever. Possible fraud?
Come back and explain with as much detail as possible, and we will all put our minds to it!
For the record, what an absolute bastard he is! I know it's really hard for you at the moment, but you are well shot of him.

LePamplemousseMousse Mon 30-Sep-13 10:36:49

I'm really shocked he is encouraging you to go to a shelter rather than to your mum's! He really has no consideration for his child, does he? I assume he's thinking if you make yourself homeless you'll get a better chance of getting a council house, but what about her (and your) quality of life until then? He and his parents sound horrible.

Honestly, I would stay put until you have legal clarity on your tenancy rights (unless he or they are being threatening or violent). Once you are out of the flat your position will be considerably weaker. At the moment OH and PILs consider you an inconvenience as they want it back, and you may be able to use that to negotiate on the furniture etc.

I also agree about contacting the CSA today and getting that in motion as from the sound of it he's going to resist supporting you and DD in the future.

I'd be a bit concerned if you go on the holiday what will happen while you're away, as - assuming his parents as landlords have keys - there wouldn't be much stopping them coming in and taking everything while you are gone. As the tenancy agreement is in your sole name they might have difficulty proving your OH had right of access (ironic as his parents own it!) but I'd check with the CAB about what happens if they do this when you are not on the premises. My assumption is that it would be theft under the circumstances, but best to know. As a tenant you couldn't change the locks without giving the landlord a key so I think that option is out.

I really feel for you OP. It sounds like he's shown his true colours and you're best out of the relationship. You do need to try and hold your nerve and not be intimidated out of what is your entitlement. As another poster has said keep your dignity and don't say much until you know your legal position and have taken advice.

sparechange Mon 30-Sep-13 10:37:29

We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name.

When is the tenancy agreement up?
Because until it is, they cannot change the rent. You've signed a contract, and the rent is fixed until that contract is up.

He sounds like he is being a controlling arse, and he cant demand you leave everything because it makes his life easier. You have a child to look after...

ediblewoman Mon 30-Sep-13 10:44:42

Please please get decent housing advice, call Shelter on 0808 800 4444 between 8am and 8pm daily.

If you are the sole name on the tenancy agreement and it is a genuine arrangement (so his parents' don't live with you and you've been paying them rent on a regular basis - it doesn't matter if you don't have a formal document) then you have rights to remain in the property, I know you don't necessarily want to do that but don't just walk out as it could prevent you being able to get help from the council in your local area if you need help with housing from them.

Also you sound well shot of the nasty nasty man and his toxic family, big hugs and lots of luck for the future.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 30-Sep-13 10:48:04

God, what a cunt - you can tell where he gets it from though, his parents - what vile people, you are well rid of them, all of them - yuck

LEMisdisappointed Mon 30-Sep-13 10:49:29

oh and get some legal advice ASAP x

Norudeshitrequired Mon 30-Sep-13 10:54:12

Don't move! Go and get some housing advice as they cannot just raise the rent to force you out.
If you do move back to your mums just to get away from this nasty bunch of assholes that your ex calls his family then take everything and out it in storage whilst you look for a new home. Just leave him with his clothes and personal possessions. He doesn't deserve to be left with anything else.
What kind of man would want his child to be homeless?

Chattymummyhere Mon 30-Sep-13 11:00:00

Don't move out at all!!!

Legally if you have a tenancy agreement in your name what they are doing in illegal!! And Could cost them £1,000's in court!!! If they want you out they need to evict you though the proper chanels, if you leave of your own free will the council won't help you, also without being evicted or signing a document to end your tenancy you would still be liable for the rent!!

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 11:01:31

Glad your getting legal advice.do not do anything until you have.

You will discover that unless we are talking very high value items you could take the lot and there is bugger all he can do about it.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 11:05:13

Some posters would be being far more honest if they actually highlighted that some of the crap they come out with is just opinion and is not based on anything else

Beastofburden Mon 30-Sep-13 11:06:36

Be very careful not to make yourself "intentionally homeless". If you do, you won't get any entitlement to somewhere else to live. Don't move out without legal advice. Wait until your tenancy ends, then if they refuse to renew it on terms that you can afford, you can seek help.

I'll say it again- if you move out when you don't legally have to, the council might refuse to rehouse you. Get advice.

34DD Mon 30-Sep-13 11:35:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinesAPintOfTea Mon 30-Sep-13 11:43:43

He's being an arse, but once you have a feel for what you can fairly take, maybe offer the holiday in exchange for more? Basically you need to be as hard-nosed as he is to walk away with anything from this.

caramelwaffle Mon 30-Sep-13 12:17:12

It may be worth you looking into:

1. An Occupation Order
2. A non molestation order
3. Having a word with the liaison officer at your local police domestic violence unit in case your ex partner shows signs of - or becomes - violent.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 13:29:46

I don't wan to stay in the house and have them hanging over me and I'm going to have to go on benefits so I don't know what ill be able to afford aswell as paying all the bills. I'm worried though that if I leave the council won't rehouse me.

I'm waiting to get DD back then ill phone cab.

caramelwaffle Mon 30-Sep-13 13:31:47

You're correct to be concerned: do not make yourself voluntarily homeless!

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 13:32:54

How do I make myself not love him? I want to hate him for everything he's done to me and our family. I'm sick of hurting and feeling so up and down

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 13:37:04

Have a look on your LA's website you should be ale to find out what the LHA for your area is (local housing allowance) that's what you use if private renting but you don't need to think about it if they allocate you a HA/LA house.

But and I mean this with total seriousness if you leave the house without being forced to by legal eviction (them writing to you telling you to leave is not good enough it has to be fully legal) then you will be classed as intentionally homeless and they will have no duty to house you. The only real exceptions to this are if you have to go to a refuge.do not willingly leave because you will end up homeless and he will have a very very good case to obtain residency of your child.

caramelwaffle Mon 30-Sep-13 13:40:40

You can't.

But time, and time apart will make it fade; until one day you will realise that you have not thought about him at all for 24/48/72 hours.

You are up and down because the adrenalin is pumping and making you ebb and flow physically and psychologically.

Shock is nausea inducing.

You are sad now but soon the anger will hit and you will need to use that energy to get positive things happening for your child and you.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 14:38:33

I've tried to phone citizens advice but they don't take over the phone calls in my area you have to go down to the office at 9:30 and they only see the first 20 people so going Togo down there at 9 tomorrow.

He thinks all I should have is the sofa because he's staying there so needs it more. He said I'm moving to my mums so won't need it yet and ill get loads in benefits so can buy all my own confused twat. It's not going to be civil but I don't want arguments. He's so hard to be around him when I just wanna cuddle and laugh like we use too angry.

I'm worried about leaving now and not getting anywhere on the council. I can't afford to private rent

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 15:09:55

https://www.gov.uk/civil-legal-advice

Click on this link and call the number BUT do not tell them its a matrimonial/ family law issue tell them its a housing issue (as that's the most urgent problem you have.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 15:42:22

Thanks sock, do I mention that its ILs and they want me out because we split up or...?

DameFanny Mon 30-Sep-13 15:49:54

If your ex and the pil start making trouble - phone calls, threatening texts, mail etc, please don't hesitate to let the police know on 101.

I'm concerned from what you've said that they don't have any care for your child, and could turn abusive.

Look after you two first and foremost.

Ledkr Mon 30-Sep-13 16:04:33

I'm just do shocked at their total unconcern for your daughter. Who would do this?
All I can say is what a great life you will have eventually free from these total bastards!
Jeeze!

Calloh Mon 30-Sep-13 16:14:15

This is so fucking shit Far. I have nothing to offer, others have said it much better then me. But I am so angry that you are being treated like this and can totally understand how much you must long for him to make it all better again.

The thing is he is a gargantuan twat to treat you like this and, although it might not feel like it now, this really is making things better by excising such a horrible, thoughtless, selfish dick from yours and your daughter's life.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 16:41:05

Yes mention it but only do so after the call asser has put you through to the solisiter.

Once you get past the initial person who answers the phone tell them everything. The person you will end up talking to will be an actual solisiter under legal aid its free to you the first person will go through your finances make sure you only give them your details and that you exclude your ex's if they question why no benefits just tell the truth but word it like "just broke up need to apply but have no access to any of ex's income" don't say your looking for separation advice as its all funded under legal aid and that is not covered unless you can prove DV (incidently I'm pretty sure the situation your in is abuse but I'm not sure the adding up robot who decides will agree).

Just make it really clear its housing legal advice you need.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 16:47:12

Oh my god

Are you ok OP? What's happened? Are you in danger?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 16:51:22

Has something happened or have you just had a shock because I referred to the situation as abusive?

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 16:52:40

I just phoned them and they were so so helpful!thank you for the link socks.

They've basically said what everyone else is saying. If I leave then I'm making myself homeless and the council have no legal responsibility to help me. They said landlord needs to go down th e legal route which I don't want because then they might include my DD. They said they either need to prove I've been a bad tenant by not paying rent/noise or damaged the property which I haven't or they need to go through the court to increase the rent then they have to give me 2m notice then 28 days before I can go to the council and say i can't afford this I'm going to be homeless and they might help me then or say come back in 28 days.

There's no way I can get around this. I either have to stay and out up with all the shit and get somewhere from the council eventually or I can leave and maybe wait a year before I get somewhere sad

Why can't all this be straight forward? Am I not in a horrible enough situation that I can't just have abit of luck

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 16:53:19

Sorry I pressed. To soon

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 17:01:37

What do you mean by not wanting to make them force you out legally "incase they include your dd"?

If its that your fretting about them harming you and dd then you have a reasonable case to present to the LA for unsafe accommodation due to DV and harassment so may not have to wait,just make sure you tell them that your LL is your ex's parents.

If your concerned about your ex causing you harm or duress then you can apply for an occupation order this costs £75 to put in the application you can do it as an emergency and it prohibits him from entering the home.

Beastofburden Mon 30-Sep-13 17:23:20

Now is the time to explain to EX OH that if he wants you to go and get loads of benefits, that it doesn't work if you just leave, because you become intentionally homeless. So your IL have to respect the lease and give notice legally, or his daughter will have to live in a slum.

I think he probably believes you can just walk into something nice, he needs the facts.

Why do your IL have to go to court to increase rent? They are private LL they can increase it however they like. They can also just not renew your tenancy at the end of the lease because they want the property back for family. That bit of the advice sounds odd to me.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 18:00:06

I mean about DD. I don't want anything to go legal in case they push my XP to take me to court over DD. There is a lot of backstory to that.

They said that they have to go down section 21 and the letter I need to take to the council will have to be a legal one or something, the women is sending it out to me in writing. I don't have an end date on my lease.

I haven't spoken to XP about this yet. I need to try Nd get it right in my own head first.

I don't have any advice I can give you about the legal matters or the like because I don't know how it works in the UK, but I think she should start gathering some info. Save every text, email and other communication you get from your XP and his parents from here on in and anything you have before that, and when you talk to them slip your phone into your pocket on record so you have as much ammo as possible. You never know when it could come in handy. It's likely that there'll be a lot of 'he said, she said,' regarding your DD and your properties if it does go to court and it'll help to have rock-solid evidence that he's putting his own interests over those of his child.

Hissy Mon 30-Sep-13 18:20:34

My love, it's ok. Please try to stay calm. NOThING bad can happen overnight.

Totally understandable, but completely erroneously you are mixing everything up and are scared witless.

Let's split it all up and see what's what and you will get through this in one piece.

Hissy Mon 30-Sep-13 18:32:06

Housing: they simply CAN'T treat a tenant the way they are threatening to. There a a shit load of laws set up to protect you.

I also bet that they've put it in your name to hide something. This is probably why they are being so vicious about getting rid of you so fast and at any cost.

What this is will come to light, and you will be able to use it as further protection.

If they put the rent up illegally, the CAB/shelter can help you tell them so, which will buy time.

If they serve you illegal notice (a minimum of 2 months) again Shelter/CAB will help you here.

Let me explain something really clearly to you. Regardless of whether they ask you to vacate in a legally binding manner or not, you MUST NOT LEAVE. They will have to make you leave by court order, and even then by Bailiff in order for the council to help you (iirc, shelter will advise)

If you leave voluntarily, the council won't help you.

Another thing. No-one, but no-one has the right to enter YOUR home without your permission. If you feel that they will gain access and steal possessions from you home, you ARE within your rights to refuse all access, changing the locks (regardless of anything in any contract) you can/will reinstate the locks when you leave, or leave the old ones, with all keys for them.

Trust me, I had to do this and got legal advice from all over the shop, cab, internet, here, and shelter and had case law to back it up.

Your DD: the GP have no right to any access, and tbh after this stunt, neither should they.

No-one can/will take your DD away.

Given the threats you're getting, i'd get a restraining order and poss an occupation order to ban your ex from contact.

You asked how do you stop loving him? Simple, he'll show you how, just open your eyes and see what he's doing to your DD. He's disgusting.

Hissy Mon 30-Sep-13 18:33:24

To reiterate, you will have to let this situation go all the way to court AND beyond. This is a long game. Dig in.

We'll be here for you every second of that journey!

It'll be OK, I promise!

classifiedinformation Mon 30-Sep-13 18:50:15

If you have to rent privately, you can claim housing benefit, it's not a council house or nothing. Maybe you should speak to the CAB about that.

Also he will need to pay maintenance for DD, you would get tax credits, possibly money towards your council tax, income support and obviously child benefit still.

Look at all your options before doing anything and please don't panic yet, everything will come together in due course.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 19:05:48

Do not talk to your ex about any of the advice you have been given he will feed it back to them making it easier for them to do what they want.

Sometime in the future he will go to court for contact if he can afford to because once you have removed the ability to bully you its the only way he can continue to have some control,so he will they all do.

Just expect it allow for it and protect yourself by taking it in your stride,don't be phased then chances are he will give up.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 19:32:00

Thank you for all your help. I never wanted it to go as far as to court. I wanted to have an agreement between us and get it drawn up and signed but that's it.

He wants to come over in the morning and talk about who's having what and I don't really know what to say to him. I've said ill move out by the end of the week so if my plans change then I need to let him know soon

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Mon 30-Sep-13 19:34:20

I agree with all the advise that has been given above.

I am hoping the CAB can help you tomorrow morning, OP.

43percentburnt Mon 30-Sep-13 19:53:31

Why is the tenancy currently just in your name?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 20:02:42

Please don't agree to anything until you have had time to process all the info you have been given.

43percentburnt Mon 30-Sep-13 20:09:11

Do they own other buy to let properties? Am wondering if they have a buy to let mortgage on it which is highly likely to state it cannot be rented to a family member (buy to let's are unregulated), hence it was put in your name. If this is the case, if he moves into the house his parents will be breaching their mortgage conditions, this May interest the lender. (Lenders are getting far stricter on this as a buy to let is a way to get around lenders income multiples and is fraud).

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 20:13:04

Tbh I don't know why it's just in my name. When we moved in the papers were just drawn up in my name and I never thought much about it just that it was abit of security for me having it in my name and if things ever did go bad between I wouldn't end up with nothing which is bullshit because its exactly whats happening

Yeh they buy to let but not sure what mortgage it is but it's an interesting point.

Is it worth me still going to CAB after the place I spoke to earlier?

pudseypie Mon 30-Sep-13 20:14:43

I really think you shouldn't speak to him until you have spoken with cab tomorrow. Tell him its not convenient and you need him to stop pressuring you while you clear your head. You need a couple of days to sort out what you are going to do, please don't rush into anything just cos he and his family are pressuring you and being general arseholes.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 21:04:23

Should I go to CAB tomorrow, when I've had this advice from a. Solicitor today?

olgaga Mon 30-Sep-13 21:10:00

I would tell him you're busy trying to sortvthongs out and will speak to hom when you're ready. If the tenancy is in your name I don't see why you can't get a locksmith in.

Neither he nor his mum & dad have the right to boot you out like that. They'll have to take proceedings against you.

I don't think you should waste a single moment worrying about any threats over your DD. It would look a bit silly with this in the background.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 21:22:08

Tbh the advice you have had today has come from a qualified solicitor who has had access to all the info you have given them you are not going to get any different or better advice from the CAB regarding that aspect,but they can help you with benefit claims ect so you may decide its worth going for that.

However you do not have to engage with your ex or his family now there is nothing wrong with saying I am not ready to discus this now I will deal with it in due course. If he pressures you then that's harassing you.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 21:23:34

Oh and if its solely in your name and you are not married you do not have to let him in and he has no right of entry.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 30-Sep-13 21:28:56

I do want to keep things as civil as possible, he's always going to be in my life because of DD.

I don't know what to do now. I know council isn't my only option but I don't have the savings to out down for a big bond and first months rent on a private house and I don't want to move private and in 6m or so get told I have to leave. I feel like if I get a council house somewhere I can decorate it and get me and add my settled and no it's always ours and know one can take it away from us? Have I made any sense?

I'm worried about being here and it stopping me from moving on I my head, and XP thinking he can come and go as he pleases. I think it would be best to stay he for DDs sake because she's settled, she has the space but I'm not sure if I'm mentally strong enough with everything that's going on, one minute I feel so weak and can't stop crying then the next I feel stronger but it's horrible

ohnoimnot Mon 30-Sep-13 21:32:46

Oh Im so sorry to read this FOTR. Sending you hugs xx

Hissy Mon 30-Sep-13 21:44:56

Forget civil, he's engineering to fling out and your DD on the street.

If he wants you out, he has to pay the 6m upfront deposit and rental for a new place, at the very least! And as long as you can secure an agreement and a new tenancy.

If not, then don't engage with him, don't leave, don't let him in, and refuse to budge.

Atm you have ALL the power in your hands. You leave with nothing you've lot it all.

As long as you're the sole tenant you have the law to protect you, and the courts. You have the council options for housing.

You do what he's telling you to do and you lose it all.

This is no time to be polite. He's about to make you and his DD homeless.

Please see this?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 21:55:54

So just tell him politely that your not able to sort stuff out now

FortyDoorsToNowhere Mon 30-Sep-13 22:02:18

What ever you do DONT move out.

In fact where is the tenancy agreement kept, go and find it and store it somewhere else. Because I bet the bastards and wanking outlaws wouldn't hesitate in getting those legal documents and destroying them.

Protect yourself, stay put and ride it out to the bitter end.

pudseypie Tue 01-Oct-13 09:47:37

yes agree with last post, in fact I think you should only keep a copy of the tenancy agreement in the home and give the original to a friend to look after. You should not have to move out, you are the tenant not him and your dd is the most important consideration here. Only move as and when you are ready and have something suitable. What kind of a man would throw his child and mother of his child out onto the street? You deserve so much better.

rosieposey78 Tue 01-Oct-13 10:00:25

My worry op is will your name being on the tenancy agreement cause issues re homeless bit. Definitely get expert advice. Your ex and his parents are horrible and I agree you should get half.

rosieposey78 Tue 01-Oct-13 10:01:46

Also agree that staying put might be a better move. Also advice re tenancy agreement good.

Mindmaps Tue 01-Oct-13 10:28:00

I know it is hard but you need go grow some Armour quick for your daughters sake - you have been given spot on advice here - take it. Tell him and his parents to jog on, change the locks and look after your daughters best interests.

FrightRider Tue 01-Oct-13 10:41:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

insomniac63 Tue 01-Oct-13 12:00:40

i registered here just to talk to you.Iwent through similar about 10 yrs ago can't give any advice thats has been covered better than i could do it.Ijust want to say that you will get through it. I was so isolated then i wish there had been something like this available to me I would be in a better position now.Please take the support and advice available, forget that you love him, he will probably use that against you dont let them bully you.I don't know what else to say I'm new to this and this is the first thing i've ever posted. Know that you're not alone and that people care and will help you

Beastofburden Tue 01-Oct-13 12:04:35

far take a step back.

You are grabbing at one-off ideas and then getting very scared if they don't immediately work out. What you need is OPTIONS.

(a) Getting a council house/flat. Excellent if you can. There is a process for emergency need, which you have started to engage with; and then there are waiting lists which you would have some priority for anyway. If you find out some more about the ways to get a Council house without being an emergency, this will help with the feeling of being trapped in an all-or-nothing situation, where you can't leave and you can't stay.

(b) Private rental with housing benefit and the like. Dont reject it out of hand- lots of people do it. Housing associations can be excellent. It may even be a route to shared ownership, or a way to a Council house later.

(c) Staying as the tenant where you are. Only a short-term option I would say, as it is too personally draining. But up to the end of your lease, you have the right to stay put without changes in your rental or harassment. You would be very silly to leave before the end of your lease, and it puts you in a bad position for emergency help with housing, so don't.

(d) Working or SAHM? over what period? it is time to make a five year plan for when DD is back at school and you may come under some pressure to return to work. What do you want for yourself and DD in five or ten years' time? Could it include some retraining now, if you hate your job? I think you will feel better when you have a sense of your own future, independent of any future relationship, not tied to the immediate crisis.

Getting some excellent advice here online, but nothing beats a sympathetic real life shoulder and a cup of tea. Can you go to see someone to help mentor you through this?

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 01-Oct-13 12:15:51

Thank you for all the help.

I do want to stay for the 2m but I can't afford too. He said he won't help with the rent because benefits would cover it but with all the bills I would only be left with £20 a week if that! But I know he wants me to move out so he can move in so that's why he's reluctant when e has previously offered to let me stay. He's told me to claim benefits for the 2m notice period and stay at my mums and keep the money so he can move in and he'll pay the bills which I said no to straight away, I'm not comfortable lying about all that.

humphryscorner Tue 01-Oct-13 12:16:38

shock
PIL should be ashamed of them selfs and sound like you had a dam good escsape from OH. The law is in your side here, so breath and get the legal advice posted on here.

I would keep every thing your dd uses x

Norudeshitrequired Tue 01-Oct-13 12:19:58

Won't housing benefit cover the rent? If housing benefit covers the rent at the current agreed amount then pay that amount for the two months.
You will get council tax benefit if you are not working so make sure that you claim that.
Makes sure you go the the CSA to get maintenance for your daughter.

I don't think you should be bullied out of your home or feel forced to leave immediately because of the financial situation.
Do not make any hasty decisions until you are sure what the benefits will cover.

Beastofburden Tue 01-Oct-13 12:33:53

far dont let him drag you into benefit fraud. He is clearly dodgy- don't go there yourself. You are going to need to use the benefits system for many years, you can't afford to get a reputation or a record for fraud.

He has got the Daily Fail attitude that says that benefits money grows on trees and all you have to do is reach up and help yourself. He may be stupid and greedy, or it may be helping him feel less guilty. Or both.

If you can't afford the rent for the two months, that may help with the emergency housing thing. Can you go back to the CAB/ Shelter person and talk to them?

Get as much data and proof as you can of his income and assets while you are still in that house. You will need them for when he lies to the child support agency.

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 01-Oct-13 13:17:44

Housing benefit almost completely covers the rent and with everything else ill get and bills there won't be alot left but I've said I'm staying there for as much of the 2m as possible because in the long run it will be better for me and DD.

I don't think he's overly happy about it but he said okay so it makes it easier for him to go along with it then fight me. He said he's bringing papers for me to sign tonight which I've said okay but I'm not signing until they e been checked because I don't know why I would need to sign anything if there just informing me of rent increase or whatever.

Hissy Tue 01-Oct-13 13:22:43

Do NOT sign anything! Take the papers from him at the door, and then close it on him!
Do NOT let him in!

MrsMongoose Tue 01-Oct-13 13:24:46

Bollocks that you can't have the white goods. If you bought them 50-50, you take them 50-50. And if he doesn't like that, you take a chainsaw to them, 50-50.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 01-Oct-13 13:28:12

No no no NO NO

Do not sign anything please don't you could be agreeing to all sorts that may make it very easy for them to stitch you right up.

There is no legit or normal reason for you to have to sign anything at this stage unless he is trying to get you to agree with something that will disadvantage you so he can show that you agreed. Seriously break down in relationship and a normal single tenancy has no normal reason to be signing stuff so don't

He is preying on your trust and vulnerability.

Oh and as the pp said csa quickly you can add another 15% of his income on top of your benefits.

Beastofburden Tue 01-Oct-13 13:49:57

Say thank you, you will show these to your legal advisor and get back to him.

use this to underline the fact that you are getting professional advice.

Whatever you do, dont believe anything about "if you don't sign this now my parents will withdraw the offer/go bankrupt".

Tell him that the document won't stand up in court anyway without "informed consent" (as opposed to you signing something you don't understand under duress) so there is no point him pushing you on this.

CocacolaMum Tue 01-Oct-13 13:53:19

What an utter shitbag!

You need to forget any kind of civility until he stops treating you and your daughter like an inconvenience for a start.
My SIL was in rented when her and her OH split, they told her she could stay but that the rent would go sky high so she went into a hostel (nowhere near as bad as it sounds actually, lots of people there in the same boat for support etc) and is now in a lovely house - she had to ride it out for 8 weeks before she was offered her place. I am not sure where you are but here demand is HIGH.

Do not give the prick anything you might need - they have stopped offering care grants now so nobody will GIVE you anything decent. If you need to fight I am sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we will be here to offer you support and advice EVERY. STEP. OF. THE. WAY.

Get your documents together, make sure you are ready to use the law if need be, make sure that your local authority are aware of your housing situation - they will want to help as much as they can.

NandH Tue 01-Oct-13 14:55:49

What an arse!!!!... take as much as you possibly can, what is your dd suppose to do. His parents are arses as well imo.

ChasedByBees Tue 01-Oct-13 16:24:28

Definitely do not sign a thing. I know difficult this must be but you have to ride out this tough time for your DD's future. Remember every little thug he does - in fact write it down. It will be useful for court if it comes to that and useful to remind yourself how shoddily he's treating you.

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 01-Oct-13 16:39:39

I'm not going to sign anything. I've told him I will get someone to look over it first.

op, when you're feeling scared, weak, upset, feel like giving up, etc, remember this: he wants to kick you and your (and his!) dd out on the street with NOTHING but the clothes on your backs. he really doesnt give a shit what happens to either of you. its disgusting! you want to stop loving him? remind yourself of this every damn day. you are so much stronger than you realise and you have support and the law on your side.

i cant offer any advice, you've had amazing advice already... but i agree with pretty much everyone above. do NOT move out. do NOT sign anything. do NOT agree to anything.

it sounds like your inlaws are up to something dodgy too! why the flip are they so determind to get their grand daughter living on the streets? you are better off without any of them tbh angry

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 01-Oct-13 17:25:38

The only thing I've agreed to do is sign the papers to transfer the holiday we have booked over to his mates and his girlfriends name. Then ill get some of the money back towards it

DPotter Tue 01-Oct-13 17:37:22

Can I suggest you ask to see the money (cash not cheque) before you sign and exchange cash for signed papers at same time. Sounds like you will not be able to trust him to do the descent thing and pass over your half once he has your signature.
Have you changed the locks yet - I would do so as soon as possible and put a chain on the door as well

DPotter Tue 01-Oct-13 18:04:18

Just had a thought - have your inlaws told you themselves that they want you out or they're putting up the rent ? Could your OH be spinning you a line to get you out and it have nothing to do with his parents ? Just wondering if it would be worth contacting them (in writing ) to check the lie of the land ?

Beastofburden Tue 01-Oct-13 18:44:51

I guess the grandparents also believe the OP can just walk into a council house with hot and cold running benefits. If they understand the reality, they may well change what they ask of her.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Tue 01-Oct-13 18:45:12

DON'T SIGN ANYTHING. DON'T AGREE TO ANYTHING.

Seriously - please don't. You need legal advice fast.

Mumsnut Tue 01-Oct-13 18:55:01

Are you sure his parents are declaring the rent?

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 01-Oct-13 19:44:23

I'm 100% sure his parent no what he is telling me about upping the rent and stuff. His mother is an evil women who hates me and his dad goes along with what she tells him too.

I'm nt sure if their declaring it, I pay through a bank into theirs and that's it.

Ill get the money off him outside the hoilday place and it will be out away in my bag before I go in and say anything.

Seeing him today has hurt so much

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 01-Oct-13 20:52:04

Check your tennancy agreement, some mortgages and insurance forbid renting to tennants on benefits.

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 01-Oct-13 21:11:16

I've read through my agreement and I can't see nothing that mentions benefits. It does say I can't change the locks without giving the landlord a key though

Hissy Tue 01-Oct-13 21:20:44

All tenancy agreements say that about the keys.

But ignore it.

You are protecting yourself, thet for sure will not respect your privacy/boundaries. Your ex has threatened to strip you of your rights to your possessions.

Trust me, i've researched this myself, and used it against the total poisonous bitch from he'll ex-landlady.

If they want a copy of the keys, the worst they can do is take you to court. That'll take months.

If they want you out, make them take you to court. Or you'll ne intentionally homeless and won't ! Be helped by council.

Anything they want you to do. Don't. Make them make you.

Don't budge, don't allow access, don't engage.

get yourself some legal eagles, and please trust me on the keys! Your exbf will not think twice about entering your home.

They won't even know you've changed the locks until they try to gain access anyway, as soon as they've done this, you have the proof you need to justify having changed the locks anyway! Keep the locks and keys and either change back on the day you have to leave, or give them the old locks/keys. Important, as these belong to the LL.

Hissy Tue 01-Oct-13 21:26:08

The mortgage contract won't have anything to do with the tenancy agreement.

A mortgage may forbid rental, but that's as part of the loan, not to do with the rental.

If a LL is forbidden to rent out a property, but does anyway, it won't invalidate or affect any one of the tenants rights.

Bottom line: a tenant has a right to quiet enjoyment of their home. NOTHING trumps that right.

The tenant has all the rights in their home, who enters it, and who doesn't. Nothing, barring an extreme emergency, permits anyone legally entering your home, unless you expressly give permission.

Hissy Tue 01-Oct-13 21:29:40

Once you have a tenancy agreement, no-one will know that you're claiming benefits.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 07:48:19

I'm nervous to see him again this morning hmm

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 02-Oct-13 07:50:59

So don't see him.text him saying put papers through door then Double lock the door don't answer it.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 08:13:58

It's not just the papers today. He said if I sign the holiday over ill get some of the money and he will help with half the rent so I have to go even though I don't wanna sign the holiday over

pudseypie Wed 02-Oct-13 08:19:54

If you don't want to sign the holiday over then don't. Sounds like he's making all the demands at the moment and what about you and dd? unless you really want the money from selling the holiday, and make sure you get half, then don't sign it over. Would you go on the holiday with a friend and dd instead?

Ledkr Wed 02-Oct-13 08:21:23

Bloody hell. He is vile isn't he?
Wants to end things but still have it all his own way!
Don't do anything you don't want to do.
Go on the holiday yourself with your dc, tell him to take his share out of your maintainence.

Ledkr Wed 02-Oct-13 08:22:27

We had a holiday booked so I took my sister.
Any decent bloke would be happy to let you have the holiday after what he's done.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 08:45:02

I wanted to go on the holiday and that why I refuse to sign it but then I wouldn't be able to stay in the house for the 2m unless he helped and the money I get will come in useful so supose I hve too

jeanmiguelfangio Wed 02-Oct-13 09:01:52

What a jackass!! Just wanted to say you are doing brilliantly and you are a credit to your daughter. She is very lucky to have you.
They have to go through the proper channels in order to evict you and please know that with a tenancy agreement it is impossible for them to up the rent immediately.

digerd Wed 02-Oct-13 09:51:03

I wouldn't sign anything at all as they all sound dodgy and would not trust them.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 10:16:13

I signed the holiday and refused to sign his letter to say I've received the letter and he got a bit nasty and said if I don't sign it then he won't help me with the rent so I've got to CAB

Ledkr Wed 02-Oct-13 13:13:35

Omg. He's such I cunt. Whole he's trying to rinse you and get everything he wants, does he show interest in his child at all?
Will you get the holiday money do you think?
I feel so sorry for you but happy that your life is going to be far richer eventually not tied to this truly scummy man.
His old is he btw?

pudseypie Wed 02-Oct-13 13:26:05

what's the letter about? Don't see there could be anything for you to sign. Did he give you the money yet?

Hissy Wed 02-Oct-13 14:48:34

Get your arse down to CAB right now and get housing benefit sorted, for this house, and then you can tell him to FTFO AND take the holiday.

Have you changed the locks yet?

This is going to get SERIOUSLY ugly, be ready! Don't think he'll hold back, cos he won't.

You really are better off without him, and so is your DD.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 15:12:13

I got the money for the holiday before I signed for it. I haven't changed the locks but I'm tempted too.

He's phoned me to say he's coming to take some of his half of the things we agreed on Monday and I've said it's not fair it will leave me as DD without and seems as he's moving back into the house it all should be left there until I'm gone but apparently I'm being unfair and he's taking it anyway hmm

He's hurting me so much. I miss him but don't want too, I love him but don't want too. It's so hard. I feel like everytime I try and shake sense into myself he does something to undo it all. Why can't he jus leave me alone and let me be? He's breaking my heart more and more

digerd Wed 02-Oct-13 15:15:16

So, he got nasty when you didn't all for his bullshit. That is typical tactics of dodgy/cowboy tradesmen. I have had enough experience of how they workangry. He is unscrupulous. Don't believe anything he says. But your ILs, DD's GPs, I am horrified at. How could they behave like that too?shock

digerd Wed 02-Oct-13 15:15:58

fall not all.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 15:17:40

I'm not a bad person. All I wanted was my little family together and to be happy and a quite life. It breaks my heart see'ing other babies with both parents and knowing I don't have that any more and neither will DD

LessMissAbs Wed 02-Oct-13 15:24:11

I agree with HappyMummy and BrokenSunglasses - its all very emotive, but there is no automatic entitlement to take everything - where would you put stuff like white goods and how would you move them, for one thing?

You have at least got a tenancy agreement, your landlords have not yet evicted you but have told you there will be a rent increase should your tenancy continue. Your choice is therefore to pay the increase or move out (which may be best if you feel uncomfortable in the situation). You seem to have the choice of moving in with your mother or renting yourself, so it might be best to look for fully furnished accommodation, and negotiate a price for your share of the white goods if they remain in situ.

You will be entitled to child support, but if you are on maternity leave you need to inform your work that you do not intend to return, and look for a new job. Why can't you return to the old job?

Its unusual that so many people around you are acting so harshly towards you, as your landlords seem not unreasonable in that you have an actual tenancy agreement and have not been evicted thus far.

Hissy Wed 02-Oct-13 15:36:43

Is this a man that deserves a family?

Seriously?

Change the locks and DON'T let him take a THING!

Côme on love, stand up for yourself and DD! (((hug)))

Hissy Wed 02-Oct-13 16:44:59

Thing is... the LL can increase the rent, OP can get HB to cover it, most of it.

I dare say she'd have a case with bringing legal action if the rent rise was excessive, and her council housing dept might be able to advise.

In any event, if forced to accept a rise, the LL can't evict on rent arrears until the TT is over 2months full rent in arrears, so paying enough to prevent reaching the magic figure will prevent the LL from serving notice due to non-payment.

The LL can of course evict for any reason, but must give 2 rental calendar months.

The TT doesn't need to give 2m, only 1, but that would make them voluntarily homeless, and exempt from council help.

Best to delay and dig in as much as poss, hunker down, change locks and communicate ONLY through solicitors (or CAB for you.

Don't allow this prick to do this. You need to get agreements on maintenance and a pay off if he wants rid of you.

Is he cheating? Anyone doing this amount of harm has to have another object of desire...

DPotter Wed 02-Oct-13 17:22:28

How are things, Far ? Do you have any RL friends you can call into to be with you ? Things would seem a lot less scary with a friend by your side. You mentioned your Mum in the op could she come over and spend some time with you ?

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 17:28:22

My mum an friends have been brilliant and my mums staying with me for a few days. I just hate feeling like this. One minute I'm okay then next my hearts breaking. I'm so angry that he gave up on us and our family and now were never gunna get to do the things we had planned. That's so hard to get my head around. It just hurts so much

Have they given you an official and legal section 21 notice? If not, I would not move until you have received it. You would be liable for rent still if you "abandon" your rental.

They cant increase your rent by more than the inflation rate.

What about your deposit? Is there a deposit? If so, it should be in a protected scheme.

Is the gas safety certificate up to date? This is a legal requirement.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 17:34:37

I got my section 21 notice and I've taken it to the council and started that ball rolling. I don't have a deposit thankfully. And the boiler is checked every year

ok. Good.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 18:19:19

sad

I mean, good in the sense that they are not trying to make you move out and then continuing screwing you over for rent. They are screwing you enough as it is. angry

And good that balls are rolling. (should be heads. theirs)

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 18:23:53

How do I stop my head being so messed up?

Ledkr Wed 02-Oct-13 18:26:52

Sweety it does feel like that at first and you feel as if you are literally broken in two.
HOWEVER! Pretty soon anger will kick in and you will be furious and really glad you stood up to him.
He is a seriously vile little man and you can see where he gets it from (pil)
You will have your little family back when he's out of your life and you will have dd and your mum and friends.
A family isn't just mum dad and two point 4 kids, it's people who love and support each other.
Life will be lovely again I promise.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 18:34:37

He use to be such a great person and we use to have a great relationship and that's what I can't let go of. I know there's alot of bad but I still love him and can't understand how he can just walk away from me who he's ment to love and his child.

Get on to the CSA tomorrow.

Ledkr Wed 02-Oct-13 18:42:35

No it's hard to imagine how they used to love you so much but then can turn like that.
Dh was the most perfect partner for 16 yrs then just turned.
I remember him weeping with joy when our children were born and holding my hand thru cancer.
I asked myself how he could just leave us all and barely see his children.
I never found the answers but you just gradually stop asking yourself because the answers no longer matter.

gobbynorthernbird Wed 02-Oct-13 18:50:37

You have to let go. Being brutal, he doesn't give two shits. About you or DD. Now, given that her dad is a cunt, who has she got? You. You have to get and keep your head together. Get all the legal advice you can. And change the fucking locks.

And go online to claim benefits now.

thistlelicker Wed 02-Oct-13 18:59:37

Sorry op ure going through this- not helpful I know but has he cheated and he wants u to move
Out ASAP so he can move the dolly bird in?

thistlelicker Wed 02-Oct-13 19:02:35

Op it also sounds like ure clinging on to a bit of hope he isn't really a first class cock wanker!!! Sorry to say but he is of the highest order!!! Stop burying head in the sand and fight for what is yours!!! Your home
For u and ur dd!!!

Sorry if harshness is here! You sound lovely and caring toward ur dd but please
Listen to the advice

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 02-Oct-13 19:21:26

I want to keep my head together, I want to feel strong and I don't want to love him but how do I do it? One minute I feel okay then I can stop crying? I've spent alot of years on my life with him and I never thought we would split up and now we have I'm lost.

My DD is the most important thing to me and I want to give her a safe and secure home but I just feel like everytime I could move forward something punches me 10 steps back and now I've gotta stay here for 2months then move in with my mum for however long until I can get us somewhere

You are making the best and biggest step forward by splitting up from this pathetic excuse for a man. Everything you and your daughter achieve in future will be because you will have had the strength not just to roll over when he let you down.

thanks and brew

Hissy Wed 02-Oct-13 21:45:57

What is this vile little prick going to compensate you with to make up for thé fact that hek's booting you out and depriving you of all the home contents?

How much is your half worth?

I'd suggest that - seeing as there's no security deposit - that you (a) don't pay another penny in rent.

(b) remove everything you want to keep and put it at your mums/in storage. If he wants to buy it off you, he can, otherwise you sell it to raise money!

Ledkr Thu 03-Oct-13 00:03:22

Everything you are feeling is normal op.
The ups and downs of emotions the sadness the disbelief it's actually happening.
How do I know? Cos I've been there and I'm willing to bet most if the women on this thread have too.
We also know that one day you won't care and will be over him, but then you are left with any bad decisions that you made when not thinking straight, that's why we are imploring you to fight even though its the last thing you feel like doing.
It will feel better day by day and you will feel much better when you get some control over your future.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 03-Oct-13 00:30:05

Hissy.

If she does not pay the rent she would normally be classed as intentionally homeless

Hissy Thu 03-Oct-13 06:46:13

Not if the section 21's already been served. They'd have to sue her for thé money.

I'm guessing they are up to something so doubt they would.

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 03-Oct-13 07:10:12

Today is going to be horrible. He's taking DD for the day and she's not been away for me for that long. Really hope she takes her EBM :-(

Is that a good idea, OP?

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 03-Oct-13 07:47:12

I don't want her to go but it's his only day off work an won't just have he for a few hours hmm

Ledkr Thu 03-Oct-13 08:02:14

Look I'm going to get all motherly now!
Please stop just doing as he pleases.
If you want to give up everything to a man who quite frankly is being a total cunt then so be it but letting him have your young breast fed baby for a whole day when you are unsure she will take the bottle is ridiculous!
You are the resident parent and untill it is settled in court you only need allow him reasonable access.
Seems like a very long time to me especially with a father who is happy for his child to "live in a hostel" and "on benefits"

NynaevesSister Thu 03-Oct-13 08:12:33

Well this is his equivalent of a sat or sun so letting him have dd for the day is reasonable. Actually more than reasonable. If this goes to court, and I bet he does, and if he tries to say that you wouldn't let him have access then no judge will listen to him.

This is important to safeguard your future. On a pad or paper note down date and time he has her, and every call etc. write down what you agree before hand and what actually happened. Make no emotional notes. Just the facts. Keep it impersonal. Something that was clearly written at the time will always be considered by a judge. Something written in retrospect will not. Do not type it up for this reason.

You will be fine but right now you need to grieve for the relationship you thought you had. Don't feel bad for feeling bad!! Let it all out, wail, cry. One day you will look back and be amazed you even cared.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 03-Oct-13 09:06:47

Hissy.

From a Housing dept stance unfortunately she would as they can use conduct after service some LA's will discharge a duty if you go before the bailiffs break the door down

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 03-Oct-13 11:08:06

He's took. Her and refusing to bring her back until 5:30 sad

DPotter Thu 03-Oct-13 11:17:11

OK Far I understand this is really scarey but use the time today productively - get yourself down to a solicitor and get that legal advice you need. make contact with CSA. change those locks

Your head feels a mess because your grieving for the loss of your relationship and the life you thought you had - that takes time to get over . It's not a 24hr bug that you can shake off.

You might just check with the solicitor but I thought there were guidelines about the amount of time that was reasonable for a breast fed baby to be away from Mum ? Maybe someone with more info could comment ?

GatoradeMeBitch Thu 03-Oct-13 12:56:21

OP, who have you got in your corner? You don't have to hand a breastfeeding baby over to him, no court would make you do that! Don't agree to it again if you don't want to.

Stop pandering to this knobhead, you have to get angry with him, look what he is doing to you and your daughter!

Hissy Thu 03-Oct-13 13:18:40

Has he gone to his parents?

I'd go round there and get her back.

Not one person has the right to demand thata BF child i'd separated from it's mother if she's not comfortable with that, and not from a standing start to a whole day.

Forget what I said about withholding the rent, get legal advice NOW on your rights.

You can call the police if you track down your DD and he refuses to hand her over.

This is not the way to co-parent successfully, and he's going about this all wrong, to hurt you.

Ledkr Thu 03-Oct-13 13:24:03

I'm hoping he brings her back early havih not realised how hard it would be.
I agree you need to seek advice on contact and stick up for your poor dd.

Ledkr Thu 03-Oct-13 13:26:42

You could seek that advice now while you have time without dd.
why can't you stick up for yourself love? Have you always found it hard to do? Do you have a feisty friend or relative who can stand by you?

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 03-Oct-13 13:46:57

I've contacted a solicitor and waiting for a call back. I'm going to tell him tonight that this isn't happening again and the longest he can have her for at a time is 5 hours and if he's not happy with that then the only way were going to agree is in court and if he takes her for longer then I will call the police.

Would you believe me if I told you I'm in this situation because i did stand up for myself against his mother and look where we ended up!

I'm seriously tempted to change the locks but I think if he brings her back late then I will. He's messaged me asking what time she normally eats and what does she like! He's ment to have lived with her for 11m and he doesn't no these things! I've told him but he doesn't pay attention.

My HV has said it's to long for her to be away from me too hmm

Beastofburden Thu 03-Oct-13 14:07:49

Well if she is 11 months old it's not like taking a three week old BF baby away, she will be OK for a day.

Try to keep your head as clear as you can, pick your battles and know where you are going. The aim is- a home of your own, a decent child maintenance package and an acceptable deal on child access that gives your DD a constructive relationship with her father. You need to be reasonable, fair and consistent so that when you talk, the courts listen to you.

Where's your mum? have a real life chat with her.

GatoradeMeBitch Thu 03-Oct-13 14:12:04

At the very least he should have asked you about feeding before he collected her. And f he was willing to break his family apart because of his mother you're better off without him. The fact that he can casually suggest your 11 month old dd can live in a homeless shelter shows the levels of callousness he will stoop to. And if you did go along with that, he and his parents could then apply for custody as they could prove she would have a stable home with him.

Start getting all your ducks in a row Rainbow. Think about what you want and what your daughter needs, and get help from every source you can find. Women's Aid may be a good source - you are a victim of emotional domestic abuse at the very least.

lurkerspeaks Thu 03-Oct-13 14:47:53

I would suggest not using things like changing the locks as a token to play in a battle. His access to your daughter and your need to maintain your privacy in your rented accommodation are separate issues.

Normally I wouldn't advocate changing the locks but given that he and his parents presumably have keys and he has stated that he wants to remove items which belong jointly to you as a couple I think you have to get on and do this.

Yes, you are grieving for your relationship but you also need to be coldly practical. Bad decisions now could have very significant knock on implications for you and your daughter. Your exDP has already demonstrated that he doesn't put her needs first so you need to and that means you need to make some difficult decisions and do some difficult things eg. stay in the house 'til you are evicted.

I'm sorry you are in this situation but you need to play a tactical long game. Listen to the advice above from people who know far more about it than me.

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 03-Oct-13 15:28:07

Someone has to have some tips and ideas to help me get over feeling like this?? I'm missing him so much

GatoradeMeBitch Thu 03-Oct-13 15:49:40

Just think about the fact that he would have no trouble seeing your baby girl living in a homeless shelter! My blood is boiling on your behalf!

Write a list of all the things he has done to upset and hurt you, and remind yourself that you are getting away from this cruel person while you are young and can start again. If he asked for a reconciliation, after seeing this side of him, would you even want him back?

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 03-Oct-13 15:52:16

I want back the person he was not the person he is now

Ledkr Thu 03-Oct-13 16:16:45

There are a few tips.
No contact for a few weeks at least, difficult to do completely but as much as you can. I found this very useful and got my sisters to handover the dc.
Accept its over, hard but gives some closure.
Exercise. Your shocked body is producing masses of adrenaline which makes you feel terrible, walk or run it off.
Surround yourself with positive friends and people who love you.
Try to imagine yourself as a feisty independent single mum in the future rather than a victim.
Eat and sleep- not easy but if you can eat a little bit of car hydrate in the evening it will help you to sleep.
Take control which it sounds as if you are starting to do. It helps your dignity return.
It really won't feel like this forever. If say that even as early as next week there will be a slight improvement.
Just got to go with it I'm afraid, it hurts like hell but to ate already past the worse bit.
The only way is up x

Hissy Thu 03-Oct-13 16:33:58

He never, ever was that person you fell in love with.

This is who he really is, and actually he's going to get MUCH worse.

Sorry. sad

what hissy said

he's showing his true colurs... who he is now is who he really is! and yes... he's likely to get worse judging by how his parents are too

lunar1 Thu 03-Oct-13 19:07:55

I hope he brought your dd back on time.

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 03-Oct-13 19:24:27

He came back with her on time and things got really heated and nasty hmm

Nanny0gg Thu 03-Oct-13 19:48:51

Was your mum with you?

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 03-Oct-13 21:09:27

Yeh she was. She's been brilliant

caramelwaffle Thu 03-Oct-13 21:19:49

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Make sure you keep yourself surrounded with family and friends.

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 04-Oct-13 07:14:32

I've suggested we go to mediation to try and agree access over DD. I don't want to prevent him see'ing her in any way but for reasonable amounts of time each time. Anyone had any luck with this before?

Hissy Fri 04-Oct-13 07:18:51

Don't agree to médiation, and certainly NOT counselling.

This man would use it to destroy you.

He's abusive, he's not going to play by the rules of civilised society, because he doesn't come from one.

Just do whatever you have to to control the amount of exposure he has to her until he stops being a cunt.

He's NOT a good parent. His parents are beyond despicable.

I'd strangle my only DS with my bare hands if he did this to his Wife and child!

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 04-Oct-13 07:25:20

Would mediation not be better then court? What if we go to court and he gets more access then what we've agreed at the minute?

mumofweeboys Fri 04-Oct-13 07:36:39

I think your being sensible about mediation. You have to take positive steps to resolve the situation for your own sanity. Could you contact someone to support you like women's aid.

lagoonhaze Fri 04-Oct-13 07:48:05

Claim benefits and ring csa today.

Mediation is all well and good but id go court to finalise as if he choses not to give daughter back right now the police couldnt make him.

Beastofburden Fri 04-Oct-13 08:03:21

Go to mediation with two things clear on your head
(A) what you are legally entitled to
(B) where you want to be in five and ten years time.

Mediation could then be really useful to get him to see that it is time to co-operate and that he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Ledkr Fri 04-Oct-13 08:31:10

I think legal advice is your best way forward.
Find out where you stand with contact untill an order is made.
How was she yesterday? Had she been cared for? Dry nappy etc.
did he start the heated stuff?
Did dd witness it?
Write it all down and date it for court if necessary.

fortyplus Fri 04-Oct-13 08:40:10

I work in Housing. Yes you need legal advice but a really good first step will be to phone your local authority TODAY - ie the Council. You can get great advice about being made homeless. You need to tell them that you are under threat of homelessness. As others have said - sit tight and don't move out until you have to. Then your council is legally obliged to house you and you will get masses of points because you have a child. Tell them that you have no nearby friends or family to move in with.

Good luck op smile

ChasedByBees Fri 04-Oct-13 08:44:11

It sounds like you had a horrible day. You don't have to let him take her for that long again. If he says he'll take her and bring her back when he's ready (rather than a few hours later), I would actually prevent access until mediation as he's not acting in her best interests. That may not be the best advice though, I have no experience of these things.

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 04-Oct-13 08:55:52

I've spoken to the council and them aware of what's going on so waiting for the homeless bit to contact me but that goes on priority so they might not contact me until 2 weeks before I have to be out by but at least they no ad have all my details and no when I have to be out by.

She okay when she come back a little bit off but I don't if I was just worked up looking. She really wanted milk tho hmm

lagoonhaze Fri 04-Oct-13 09:31:06

You still need to apply for housing register though.

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 04-Oct-13 09:39:02

I'm on huge housing website too

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 04-Oct-13 09:39:16

The* not huge !

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 04-Oct-13 15:04:43

I got some legal advice regarding DD and it was very helpful, has made me a little nervous though. I don't want thinks to go that far

Ledkr Fri 04-Oct-13 15:43:07

What was that? Knowledge is power and power will give you back your dignity.

GatoradeMeBitch Fri 04-Oct-13 15:51:43

The thing is, things may go that far whether you want them to or not. You are not the unreasonable one in this situation, and it's a good idea to arm yourself against your unreasonable ex. If it can all calm down and get worked out amicably that's great and the ideal scenario.

But you need to know how to protect yourself if and when you need to - for instance, how to prevent him taking the shared furniture away, how to stop his parents evicting you, etc. Make sure you have a contingency plan for every scenario if you can. Have you posted in legal for advice there?

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 04-Oct-13 16:09:13

I'm worried that he's going to come out with all sorts of lies to make me look bad. The solicitor gave me some things to think about before he next comes to see DD and if I should allow her too with him but if I don't it's going to start a huge snowball that I want to try and avoid.

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 04-Oct-13 16:10:29

I haven't posted in legal, I've done so before and got a little bashed about us not having rights but responsibilities and I can't stop that and it kind of got off the topic and I don't want to stop him having her but it went the wrong way and I'm abit hesitant about going back there

GatoradeMeBitch Fri 04-Oct-13 20:26:37

I know, it's very annoying when people just want to jump up on their soap-boxes instead of offering constructive advice or just leaving the thread. But legal might be useful for your housing situation?

As far as access goes, if he is a competent father you do have to separate that from the situation between the two of you and work out a fair access agreement - as hard as that can be when everything is raw. But I'm sure you know that anyway.

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 05-Oct-13 08:07:53

I can't understand why I feel constantly nervous and on edge sad

MinesAPintOfTea Sat 05-Oct-13 08:57:26

You've had a big shock and are probably still full of adrenalin. If its a big problem, get to your GP, they can help you, but it will pass given time. Feeling secure in your own home through taking legal action and ultimately finding a separate home your in-laws don't contol will probably help as well.

Ledkr Sat 05-Oct-13 09:08:01

It's anxiety caused by too much adrenaline as I drs fined up thread. If you can go for a brisk walk it will help but as mines says if its bad see your gp.
It's the most horrible feeling though I remember it well.
Do you find it's worse early morning?
Do you have plans for the weekend?

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 05-Oct-13 15:44:24

Yeh it is worse early in the morning why?
Yeh got plans most the weekend. Had a really nice busy day out today and my mums staying with me again so hopefully keep my occupied

Ledkr Sat 05-Oct-13 18:48:17

You are getting there see!
It's worse early morning cos the hormone which fights anxiety switches off overnight so you can sleep.
That's a very simple way to explain it but It helped me to understand why I felt so bad.
You have your whole life ahead of you, it's quite exciting when you think about it.

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 05-Oct-13 18:58:50

At least that kind of explains why I feel nervous every morning. I'm so lucky I've got a great group of family and friends. I still feel like I can cry alot but I'm trying to move away from them thoughts because the situation is out of my control. I wouldn't say I think of it as exciting but I'm trying to be positive about the future. I'm
Worried though that however I manage to sort my head out will just make me go back to square one when its time to pack up and move out hmm

Ledkr Sat 05-Oct-13 20:39:47

No you won't you will keep growing now.
I was seriously so bad when my ex left.
4 kids one a baby, if had a mastectomy for breast cancer had a really crappy hours job, big mortgage it was awful.
I sat on my kitchen floor and couldn't get up.
I chain smoked and drank wine. I was rubbish.
It took a few months and good pals but I had a ball.
I settled into being single again quite quickly and felt quite proud of myself.
My friends and I pulled together shared babysitters for nights out and had sleepovers with the kids.
We even went in holidays together.
I did eventually meet someone else so much better than my ex but I don't regret a thing.
You are going to be fine I promise.

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 05-Oct-13 21:02:38

Wow ledkr you have been through so much! You sound like one very strong women to go through all that ad come out the other side!
I hope your right, I want to make positive plans for the future but I'm worried that how I feel won't last in te morning. It helps that he hasn't contacted me or come round today which is actually the first day he hasn't rang me or popped round since he ended it.

Hissy Sat 05-Oct-13 21:22:40

God, I didn't know that Ledkr, but that makes so much sense about the hormone!

You are indeed one impressive woman, I agree with OP!

Isn't it always amazing how much we, as people, CAN survive?

Ursula8 Sat 05-Oct-13 21:31:39

So he is kicking you and his DC out and wants you to take DC to a shelter?
Lucky Escape springs to mind OP. I would take whatever you genuinely need and get far away from him. What kind of father would do that?

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 05-Oct-13 21:49:57

Yeh that's just a little of it. I think my mum deserves a medal though bless her, I don't know where I'd be without her

Ledkr Sun 06-Oct-13 07:58:34

Thanks far and hissy but I'm just an ordinary woman who's had crap to deal with. I wasn't strong at first, I lost so much weight and couldn't eat or sleep for weeks but somehow you get through that and start to rebuild your life and in doing that you add stuff to it that makes you happier.
The no contact was my turning point, gives you time to heal.
I also took my kids on holiday and that really helped me realise I could be independent.
The early morning anxiety will go.
Best thing to do is get moving.
I hate exercise and am certainly no gym bunny but I found exercise really helped.
Do some star jumps or run in the spot till you are out if breath, it will hell dissipate the anxious feeling.
You probably don't realise it but you have already changed I can see it in your posts.
Look how well you are doing.
Soon you will see him for what he is, a spineless twat.
My ex cheated and isn't exactly dad if the year but he would never have dreamt of kicking me and the kids out of our home or taking our baby for the whole day.
Your dp is an idiot amongst many.

Ilovemyself Sun 06-Oct-13 08:07:29

Has everything that has been said been done so verbally? If he or his family text, write or email you keep it just in case.

Also, any rent demands will show how unreasonable they are being.

What an arsehole, and so is his family hope you get it sorted.

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 08:20:49

Ledkr you really do sound so strong! Ill try the exercise and hope that works.

Most things have been said verbally but some through text so ill keep them. I need toget a diary to write things down as someone has said too

Hissy Sun 06-Oct-13 14:00:40

My therapist last week was all admiring of my 'strength' etc etc.

i said to him. what's the alternative? What other choice did I have other than to get on and get through? Alone, and in spite of my hideous family?

Thing is, with the mental head fuck stuff, just sitting and NOT panicking is the main way through.

Far you have changed, Ledkr is right, it's visible in your posts. You feel more bold than you were.

You DO have the support of your parents, that is so pivotal, and you know from here that you are not alone and that others have had similar situations and eventually come through them.

This bloke can only harm you if you let him. By informing yourself, by standing up for yourself, your DD and your rights he hasn't got a prayer against you.

I'd advise you NOT to have verbal conversations with him for now, don't allow him to your home, don't allow access (as he used it as a chance to abuse you) and suggest he study the rights of the tenant, and the duties of the landlord.

Don't hand over so much as a single stick of anything. You are in the property, and you need them. he doesn't, he just wants to deprive you.

Even the twat I was involved in, who kept me indoors for months on end, thousands of miles from any civilised society, verbally, emotionally and physically abused me, would never have seen his son on the streets.

Your Ex really has taken twattishness to a whole new level. I wish I could sit next to you and verbally shoot that fucker down with every single one of his 'oh SO not happening' demands.

What you need to do is to go public to all your friends and his about what he's doing to you.

If you are ever in the market for a kick-arse big sister, don't think twice eh? I'm at your disposal! wink

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 16:48:11

It's horrible to feel strong then crash back down hmm

Hissy Sun 06-Oct-13 17:16:02

yes love, but that is normal, you have had an almighty shock.

The person you trusted turned out to be a monster and a liar, and tbh, evil.

That loss in faith in a human being IS all crushing. you have every right to be hurt, disappointed, and devastated, because what has happened IS awful.

NONE of it is your fault though. nor that of your daughter.

Please separate emotion from the events here, please see these people as the Landlords from Hell and fight them all the way. Don't think that they won't do the unthinkable; they already have.

What have you got to lose? Get the legal stuff outsourced to a rottweiler in a suit and sit back.

If he wants you gone, he has to compensate you WAY above what your legal rights would give you. You want a legal document that guarantees your child maintenance, ideally with his parents as guarantors so you can SUE the unholy trinity from here to kingdom come should he default.

dunno if that is even legally possible, but it would be in my world!

Hissy Sun 06-Oct-13 17:17:42

The more you rise and crash, the more you understand that this is all entirely normal, and that it's not for any reason of yours, the less these crashes will affect you, the easier they will get to shrug off, and in a short while you won't feel them so deeply.

one step at a time. Make sure your legal rights are upheld as a tenant first, then see what needs doing then.

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 18:28:09

I do feel alot better now I know where I stand legally with the house and DD. I want out the house as soon as I can. He's ment to see DD tomorrow and when he comes to collect her if he doesn't agree to the times then ill refuse him access and if he brings her back late then he won't be taking her again until its all settled in court.

I'm so nervous at the thought of see'ing him and I think that's why I feel so up ad down today's emotionally because I know a visits coming. I know he's being so horrible at the minute but its so hard missing the person that he was and the one I love. My mind try's to wonder off so much and it's hard trying to stop it.

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 18:32:16

I do feel alot better now I know where I stand legally with the house and DD. I want out the house as soon as I can. He's ment to see DD tomorrow and when he comes to collect her if he doesn't agree to the times then ill refuse him access and if he brings her back late then he won't be taking her again until its all settled in court.

I'm so nervous at the thought of see'ing him and I think that's why I feel so up ad down today's emotionally because I know a visits coming. I know he's being so horrible at the minute but its so hard missing the person that he was and the one I love. My mind try's to wonder off so much and it's hard trying to stop it.

Hissy Sun 06-Oct-13 18:44:49

Remember, you have the power to say,NO!

The mumsnet saying is "No is a complete sentence"

Use it on a loop if and when you need to. It's very liberating!

smile

Hissy Sun 06-Oct-13 18:47:45

Look at the stories on this thread? They're all about ordinary women in extraordinary circumstances.

You are at least as strong as any one of us here, you hear?

Another mantra for you: "whatever happens, I can handle it. I have to, for myself and my daughter"

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 19:10:42

It is helpful reading other people's stories but I in no way feel strong or like I'm dealing aswell as others have.

My mums at home tonight and its y first night alone and i think I'm making a bigger deal of this in my head but its horrible. I just want him to walk through the door and watch tv like we use too hmm

There's the odd minute where my minds ran away with its self and I pick my phone up to text him or call him cause I think I haven't spoken to him in ages I want a chat ten realise that I can't

Ledkr Sun 06-Oct-13 19:19:23

Please consider going no contact for a bit.
It really was the catalyst to me getting my power back.
The up and fiend are normal yes but the ups start to last longer than the downs eventually.
Be carefull not to over romanticise the memories either, he's not actually very nice man really is he never mind your memories.
I remember sobbing my heart out watching somewhere wed been on holiday to on tv. A strong friend rang me and asked what was up? I told her and said it had made me remember the good times. She then reminded me that I'd phoned her everyday in years during that holiday, he'd been an arse and spoiled our holiday completely.
I saw him today when he picked up dd, I feel as if I've never known him never mind be with him for 18yrs and 4kids.

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 19:26:11

How can I go no contact when he's going to see DD twice a week? I would rather have no contact I think that would help me more.

Your right about the memories, everything reminds me of somethig and then I think of how good things were and what I'm missing out on hmm

I'm scared of being on my own as not having him there to turn to and I don't wanna be on my own forever but I don't want anyone else

Ledkr Sun 06-Oct-13 19:28:39

Also when we tell out stories we can't convey how badly we felt at the time but I'm sure I speak for most people when I say I was far from strong.
I was a bit mad actually and did some funny things as well as self destructive things, but as you said to your therapist you still have to get up and feed the kids and live life, you can't just walk about crying.
I can still remember very clearly how it felt and can reassure you that how you are is entirely normal.
Are you anywhere near glos? I'd come and give you a good "ledkr ing" if I was near grin
I remember one if my friends giving me a glare as I cried and wailed "I can't cope on my own"
"Of course you can cope" she snapped "you have arms and legs don't you?"

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 19:35:03

How long ago did all this happen to you if you don't mind me asking?

I never thought I'd feel like this over a man, so lost and helpless at times.

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 19:35:27

No I'm by Warwick but thank you xxthanks

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 20:11:03

Hissy if he doesn't behave then I might take you up on your kick ass big sister offer grin I can hide be hide you and you can put him in his place

Ledkr Sun 06-Oct-13 20:13:13

It was 9 yrs but I remember it like yesterday.
We were together from 18 and had 3 boys and a much longed for baby girl.
Just came back from holiday in France and my sister broke the news that he had been seeing ow.
My first thought was humiliation and anger and I threw him out that night.
The devastation locked in the next day.
I had sti checks and just wept and wept.
I'd had breast cancer years earlier and had a double mastectomy and couldn't imagine any man ever wanting me.
I was 35.
I couldn't eat or sleep and lost two stone in a few weeks.
I honestly thought I'd rather die.
I'm trying to make you see that despite how horrible you feel you will be ok.
Tick off each day as another day closer to feeling better.

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 20:25:33

shock You deserve a medal!! Do you feel like your happy now?

Ledkr Sun 06-Oct-13 20:43:43

Ill come with hissy that will learn him grin

Ledkr Sun 06-Oct-13 20:53:21

I am very happy yes. Life has been kinder to me.
I have a lovely dh (10 yrs younger donchaknow)
Who is the ideal man and I was even blessed with our baby at 43 against the odds.
However, I will never forget the betrayal and shock and the disbelief at how my life had turned out.
I had a bit if a second childhood actually.
My boys were teens so sent me out while they had their sister and ill be honest I did a bit of partying which I loved.
That brought my self esteem up and I rediscovered looking nice and having some fun.
I know if we had stayed together I'd not have had half the fun I've had.
Are you likely to do that do you think?

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 06-Oct-13 21:26:02

I'm glad your happy now, you sound like you've had so much thrown at you!

I don't know. At the minute I feel like I need to focus on me and DD and trying to get my life in order but I do want to get back in touch with some old friends eventually but at the minute I just want to focus on getting out of this house and saving to set up a new one. I think when I've done that it will put me in a good place if that makes sense? Now I feel like everywhere is reminders when in trying hard not to remember them but starting to pack things doesn't help make it feel final it just makes me feel lost so I wanna get out of here

Ledkr Sun 06-Oct-13 21:33:49

Yes I can see that. Moving will be really good for you.
Exciting too, setting up a new pad.
It helped me to see myself as liberated and independent living on my own rather than "single" if you see what I mean.
I'd never lived alone and I quite enjoyed it.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 07-Oct-13 03:58:03

I've never really been on my own. I was with XP since I was a teenager so I'm not sure how ill find it. I'm worries that staying here for the next 2m is going to be a bad head fuxk though but I don't have another choice hmm

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 07-Oct-13 08:36:37

It's horrible waiting for him to come and take her hmm I never thought we'd be here

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 07-Oct-13 08:43:23

It's so hard to see him and things be like this. I so want him to just hold me and hug and kiss me hmm I don't want this situation

Tabliope Mon 07-Oct-13 09:05:58

I think you could have one step forward and two steps back for a while. It's normal. Would you really take him back now though, knowing how he's handled this split? Knowing it could happen again in the future? You couldn't. It's sad but the way now you have to plan for you and your DD. It will get easier from now on. Just remind yourself what he's put you through. Like everyone else says, do not move out until evicted. Keep in regular touch with housing so they don't forget you and your case slips through the net. Get on to CSA and keep on at them too. A friend went through something similar. She was evicted, got a council house in a not so nice area, lived there a year and has done 3 house swaps since and is living in a beautiful house I'd give my right arm for. It can be done. Best of luck to you.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 07-Oct-13 09:19:29

I want back our relationship but not the last year of it. He's changed so much in this year and I want back who he was hmm. I felt like a spare part watching him with DD knowing I had that now I don't

Tabliope Mon 07-Oct-13 09:48:09

I promise you that you'll look back and cringe wondering what you ever saw in him. It's 100% guaranteed. It's like a drug sometimes getting over someone, getting them out of your system, especially when it's out the blue but time will help, honestly. Lots of us have been through it. Give it a couple of months and that grip he has over your emotions will have pretty much gone.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 07-Oct-13 11:20:27

I wish I was there now though hmm

Ledkr Mon 07-Oct-13 17:11:57

Did you talk to your mum about her doing handovers so you can have a break, it really will help.
I remember saying to my mum that I'm do sad and all a I want is him to comfort me even though its him who's caused it.
If course you do, partners are the only people who we form bonds with which are then broken, no wonder its so painful.
Just keep busy and tick off the days until you feel normal again. Xx

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 07-Oct-13 19:40:31

My mum can't do the hand overs because of the hours she works, I'm thinking of asking a friend to do this week and next just to give me some space.

Your right about them breaking the bond, when the one person you always turn to isn't there anymore, it's horrible, he's hurt me but he can make it better

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 07-Oct-13 19:40:44

My mums doing so much already staying with me bless her

Ledkr Mon 07-Oct-13 21:27:56

Yes get your friend to do it, its very empowering.
You will soon find your support comes from your friends and family and you stop needing him.
I know you feel impatient for it to happen quickly but it does take a bit if time.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 07-Oct-13 21:41:22

I will ask my friend to do it Wednesday for me and try and help keep distance. I have to lead the key in the door at all times to make sure he doesn't just stroll back in. A few days after he ended it he came home really late and just got into bed like I would be fine with it

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 08-Oct-13 16:58:46

Is it wrong to feel jelous when I see a couple with there baby and think how do they make it work and we can't hmm

Ledkr Tue 08-Oct-13 17:10:57

Yrs it's normal. I once went to toys r us on a Sunday before Xmas and nearly had a meltdown.
That's when you need your mates! I remember my mates
Taking the piss out of my ridiculous timing!

Hissy Tue 08-Oct-13 19:01:34

Love, as you will see, You CAN make it work.

Him? No.

It's him that has the problem. It's his parents that have done this.

You'll find someone else that deserves to have you and your DD in their lives.

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 08-Oct-13 19:05:51

hmm I'm bloody sick of it

I'm home alone tonight, just me and DD. lots of MN I think to keep my mind busy

Ledkr Tue 08-Oct-13 19:19:56

I do wish id known about mn when I was in your position.
This is a temporary situation that you are going through, it's a drop in the ocean in your long life which will soon be happy again.
Ride it out knowing it will be over sometime soon.

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 08-Oct-13 19:37:08

Thank you. MN has been brilliant and I've winged alot on here that I don't feel like I can so much in RL. The futures scarey. I'm worried about being on my own forever. He's all I know

Hissy Tue 08-Oct-13 19:38:06

far, you need this time to be alone, to process what's happened and to make sure that you are not taken advantage of.

Focus on your living situation, the rest will follow.

Ledkr Tue 08-Oct-13 19:50:57

No. The future is exciting. Who knows what will happen.
Just you and dd and helpful family the world is literally your oyster. Think of all the amazing possibilities.
What did you work as before dd?

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 08-Oct-13 20:21:07

How do I process everything without getting upset and feeling back at square 1 again though?

I was training before I had DD and even though I loved the job it's to many hours to put in now I have her but my dad has offered to fund another course for me next year so that's good

Hissy Tue 08-Oct-13 23:34:10

You are going to get upset, it's part of the healing process. Each tear takes you closer to not feeling quite so desolate about it.

Sadly the worst thing about it is the minimisation your mind does, so that you have to keep reminding yourself of what you have forgotten, i.e. what he has done to you. then it hurts all over again.

Understand that this is a phase of pain that you will get through, that it will get easier, that you will grow and strengthen from it.

You won't crumble, or cave, because you are stronger than that. You can get through this.

Every day you are a little bit closer to it not hurting quite so much.

Allow yourself to feel the pain, it's right that you do, and the sooner that you realise that you can feel the pain, let it wash over you, but still come out the other side, the sooner you will start to feel a little bit less worse.

What has happened is an almighty shitty thing, compounded by his terrible bastard parents. It's only right that you will feel utterly bereft by this all. But it will pass. You are not going back to square one, just moving on a little bit from it with every day that passes.

Ledkr Wed 09-Oct-13 08:02:25

That's right. Getting upset is just that and doesn't take you back to square one or anything like it.
Just move forward again after.
Can you have a night out with friends? It really helps to see that life goes on.
It must be hard for you to be in the house knowing its temporary though. You'll feel better when you can put down some roots.
I painted my bedroom had new bedding and fairy lights to make it my special place. Little things help.0

ophelia275 Wed 09-Oct-13 09:08:35

Why was the tenancy only in your name if he was living there too?

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 09-Oct-13 09:17:53

It makes sense what your saying but it's hard not to do anythig to avoid them
Feelings

Hissy Wed 09-Oct-13 11:07:25

Because the ILs are up to sommat ophelia they're claiming something, or he is.

Something's fishy there, which is why the ILS are being so vicious in wanting her out asap.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 09-Oct-13 12:34:08

I never questioned it just went along with it. What did it matter to me if it was in my name or both

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 10-Oct-13 09:59:06

I woke up feeling abit down and had a delivery of DDs birthday presents and feel in a very good mood smile

CocacolaMum Thu 10-Oct-13 11:37:35

Glad you are in a good mood :D

I know what its like looking at other seemingly perfect neat little families but trust me, everyone is fighting their own battle.

I split with ds' bio dad when ds was a baby but it was the best thing I EVER did AND the hardest x

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 10-Oct-13 14:57:56

I'm glad your happy about your choice coca cola

My friend thinks I should talk to him again

Talk to him about what though?

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 10-Oct-13 16:22:15

About everything that's happened and how we got here ext...

Oh I can tell you that.

Far: How did we get to this point?
STBXP: I was a heartless cock.

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 10-Oct-13 17:05:47

Ha somehow horry I can't see him ever admitting to that

Hissy Thu 10-Oct-13 19:55:21

... and that's precisely the reason why you don't even think of talking to him until he does admit it!

No normal bloke does what he's done. Your 'friends' can't have ANY self esteem either if they think you should give this man the steam off your wee!

No.

You should absolutely NOT engage with him. He needs to really see what he's done.

You trotting on, carrying on as almost normal, giving any kind of shit about him, papers over the gaping wounds he's caused.

Twats like him learn through loss.

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 10-Oct-13 20:29:41

It's shit. I miss him so much and hate being on my own without him

Hissy Thu 10-Oct-13 20:36:46

But you miss a ghost!

The person you miss doesn't exist!

He'll never be the man you need him to be.

Love yourself, love you little one, and focus on making sure your life is as good as it can be.

Don't go back to a man who'd do this to another living soul. And never to a man who's family are no beTter!

I'd batter my DS if he did this to his DP/DC! I really would!

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 10-Oct-13 20:47:59

I miss the person he was not who he is now. He use to be so so nice. I can't go back because he doesn't want too. I would be willing to try again an take things really slow but he doesn't want too and that hurts. It's heart breaking to want someone and they don't want you

Hissy Thu 10-Oct-13 21:32:31

Can you talk about your relationship with him. How long you were together, how long before having a child, and if you can recall the time when things changed?

Hissy Thu 10-Oct-13 21:33:56

When you have the distance we have, we ask, why would you want to be with someone who is capable of this?

This now, this is who he really is.

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 10-Oct-13 21:46:58

We were together 5 years before we had DD. I do remember how good things were and that's what so hard. The last year we've started to have problems but before that things were great. That's what and who I miss hmm its hard to accept that all that has gone

Ledkr Fri 11-Oct-13 09:47:46

Please don't try to talk to him love.
If he wanted to try again bed have asked you and if you talk to him you won't get what you want which is "I made a mistake can we try again?" Then you will feel shit and it will put you back.
Five years is nothing in your whole life really, as you say he's different now. My ex was literally the perfect man for 16 yrs but the last two he was a knob and continues to get worse by the day. He's literally unrecognisable now.
Can you try to pep yourself up a bit now with a new hairstyle or outfit. Superficial I know but you need to stop feeling a victim and start feeing like a sassy young mum with her whole life in front of her. It really helps.

GatoradeMeBitch Fri 11-Oct-13 11:02:22

Really good advice from ledkr. If you want to talk about your ex on here, feel free. But the sooner you can finish grieving for your relationship and start to move forward, the happier you'll be. You've seen this guy at his worst now. Even if he asked to try again, you know what he's capable of, and you would never be able to relax with him for fear that he would walk out on you again. When you start to feel more angry than sad I think you'll be on the mend.

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 11-Oct-13 14:16:32

Supose your right hmm

It's hard to not grieve though when I feel like I've lost everything

I'm gunna try and book my hair in as a pick me up

Hissy Fri 11-Oct-13 19:10:14

You've lost a shit dad, a crap partner with godawful parents.

What you've gained is hope for a new future where you could very well meet a nice guy, who loves you for you, dotes on your DD and has a great set of parents.

You have your life ahead of you. Better you start again now than 20odd years down the line!

Sounds like he resents his child having attention, the saddo.

You will soon see how you really are better off without him.

I'm guessing you wouldn't give up your baby to get the old him back? because realistically I think you lost the old him when you gained her, and she will be far better for you than he will.

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 11-Oct-13 19:47:56

I wouldn't give my daughter up for anything, if I was then I would have already gave her to his mother and I know we'd still be together then

Well there you go then. When you feel like you can't let him go, feel the gut-wrenching agony of the very idea of giving her up.

It will be ok brew

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 11-Oct-13 22:00:14

hmm It's just so shit. I wish I could get some sleep too

Ledkr Sat 12-Oct-13 08:37:03

You say you'd have stil been together if you have your dd to His mum? Would you care to elaborate as this may explain a lot!

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 12-Oct-13 09:51:42

Erm I've posted about his mum before and if anyone remembers it you might flame me for staying with him blush

Hissy Sat 12-Oct-13 13:05:57

Love, you're not with him now, so there'll be no flaming.

What happened with his mum before? I think I recall the thread you mean, but am vague on the ins and outs.

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 12-Oct-13 13:52:36

Hmm right okay. I posted about his mum before because she was interfering constantly in our relationship. I don't trust her with my DD. she told me you don't give a baby a choice to eat you force them, she would leave my DD to cry hysterically and laugh and get excited when she had tears an lots of other stuff hmm

omg she's the one who likes to hear a baby cry! I remember now.

No flaming from me. It wasn't her you were trying to have a relationship with.

Gosh you're going to be so better off so soon. I almost feel excited for you!

PrimalLass Sat 12-Oct-13 14:13:57

I remember your other thread too. I've often wondered how you were doing as you sounded so scared. They all sound awful and you will be so much better away from them.

Hissy Sat 12-Oct-13 14:17:47

You probably were told to run for the hills love, but he's gone, by whatever means and that IS a good thing.

He wasn't ever a good parent, and given his mother, was never a good man. He'll be damaged beyond your understanding.

You will be leaving his life, and staying away as much as possible, and you won't be allowing unsupervised access given his mother's cruelty.

You will be seeking legal advice over the tenancy, and making sure that you won't suffer any more than you have don already at these vile people's hands.

Most people aren't like these people, you have every chance of recovering from this, and thankfully your DD is young enough to not be overly harmed by any of this.

She would've been if the situation had continued, you know that right?

Be VERY strict about access. No more 'taking her off for the day' ok?

Oh dear ... I remember you as well - I'm really sorry it's turned out like this.

In terms of the relationship, I do think your better off out of this - I know that it's easy to say though, and agony whilst your going through the separation.

In terms of where to go next.... last time you went to your mums, didn't you? Do you not want to go there this time because you'd lose the furniture as you wouldn't have anywhere to store it? Could you move to your mums but also take half the stuff you and ex bought but put it into storage until you can get your own place?

It's really strange about you not being entitled to housing - will your STBX in laws not write you a letter saying you are being evicted?

In the meantime, stay strong and carry on protecting your dd from her evil grandmother.

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 12-Oct-13 15:24:02

I've got legal advice regarding the house and I have about DD aswell. I'm doing everything that I've been told by both. I'm due to be evicted at the end of next month and the council no this. I've told him my rules about DD which is more then fair and if he doesn't stick to them then we will have to go to court like he keeps threatening too and see what they decide. He really thinks the court are going to take a BF baby off me for 3 full days a week and let his mum watch her while he works.

Ledkr Sat 12-Oct-13 16:59:19

To be honest I may even give you a light toasting!
I'm only joking but they are clearly mental and it is great that you stuck to your guns.
I'm so glad you have legal advice because she sounds very worrying and I hope you told your legal advisor about her.
The chances are your ex has been damaged himself by her weirdness and that might explain his behaviour however him and the dragon have no place in your life anymore just ensure she is never left in charge of your daughter.

GatoradeMeBitch Sat 12-Oct-13 20:45:07

Oh dear, I remember that thread too. No wonder your ex is such an unfeeling bastard.

It may be worth going to court at some point to try and prevent his mother having access, but cross that bridge if you come to it. I think you might need proof of her behaviour too - keep an eye on her FB account if she has one, keep anything that could be proof.

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 12-Oct-13 22:46:03

I'm glad I listened to advice on here before an documented my concerns with my health visitor, I've spoken to her since and she has even brilliant and said that she knows how long I've had these concerns and worked to make sure all access she has is supervised so at least that's one thing

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 14-Oct-13 09:47:11

My poor DD is poorly and he's being a PITA

Hissy Mon 14-Oct-13 14:22:55

What's happening? Be firm, he's taking advantage.

If he's not prepared to be anything like helpful, he needs to told to FTFO and you'll contact him when you feel like it!

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 14-Oct-13 15:01:45

DDs really poorly and I was at the OOH GP twice over the weekend there was talk of her going into hospital but luckily it's not serious so were at home with medication so I've said she needs to stay with me today and he's kicked off, saying in preventing him see'ing her and stopping a relationship and who do I think I am blah blah blah. I'm in no way stopping him see'ing her but he can't look after her when she's poorly and she's not eating is really grumpy so I want her with me. I let him come round to see her because he said he missed her and just got grief

Hissy Mon 14-Oct-13 18:50:18

Don't let him in your door again! How dare he give you grief!

Does the dreadful man want a recording of her grizzling, crying and feeling shit to take home to his mum?

You call the shots here love!

He lost the right to be a guest in your home the day he slung you and your child out onto the streets, with only the council housing dept to help you!

Get angry! Get really fucking angry!

Remind him that you have rights, and unless he starts treating you with some respect, you will make sure that he has to behave like the LL.

I.e he's not allowed to enter your home, or visit without at least 24 hours notice in writing, and even then may be refused.

And that you may insist they take you to court to get you out, so he has to wait another 2m.

How much maintenance is he paying you? Is he screwing you on that too?

The bastard! Utter, utter bastard!

Hissy Mon 14-Oct-13 18:54:14

Oh yes, and do tell him that you're NOT stopping her from seeing him.

But when she finds out what he's done to her, and to you, that she'll want to stop contact with him and the rest of his putrid family all by herself!

Does he actually have a mirror in his house? Could he actually look himself in the face after doing all this?

You need a break from him. He needs to leave you both alone, completely alone for the next month or so.

I want you to see him for what he is, and you can't do that with his fetid stench on you the whole time.

GatoradeMeBitch Mon 14-Oct-13 19:30:09

I wouldn't be afraid to deny access at this point OP, if you have reason to. There is no formal access agreement in place. You won't get in trouble.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 14-Oct-13 19:50:29

He really thinks I'm being unfair. She's ill and all she wants is her mummy and I don't want her out if my sight. I didn't want to be unfair so agreed that he could come and see her but told him I don't want to argue or talk about it and he just went on and on.

He wants to have her for an extra day Thursday because he missed out today and I've got plans Thursday and he's kicking up merry hell saying I should cancel them for him, he misses her, he makes her happy so I should let her go. Who do I think I am to decide he can't have her.

I'm starting to get angry and I'm starting to see that he's not the person I fall in love with and I'm starting to see that I can be happy again and hopefully one day I will find someone else.

He hasn't paid a penny for her since before he left. Hasn't brought 1 nappy or anything. I have to send her with nappies, wipes, fruit and snacks.

ChasedByBees Mon 14-Oct-13 20:59:17

I'm glad you're getting angry. You do not have to do what he tells you to do. You don't have to listen to any of his shit. What would happen if you sent her without nappies etc? He's her father, he should provide all of that. If he doesn't then he's unfit.

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 14-Oct-13 21:19:45

If I sent her without nappies then he might try and buy some but it's more likely she would stay in the same one until I got her back to
Change her

Hissy Mon 14-Oct-13 21:51:33

Tell him to FUCK OFF!

He can't tell you what to do.

He can't demand you hand over your baby.

He can't force you to hand over your sick baby.

Go out tomorrow, get yourself another sim card and tell him you'll contact him when YOU feel like it.

Give him your bank account details and tell him to pay 25% minimum of his salary or you'll be talking to CSA.

He is no father to her: how dare he not pay for her care, sling her out on the streets and demand a single bloody thing from you?

GatoradeMeBitch Mon 14-Oct-13 21:55:56

Get in touch with the CSA tomorrow morning OP. Give him something to really whine about!

FarOverTheRainbow Mon 14-Oct-13 22:23:58

I don't want his money. If he doesn't want to pay for his child then ill leave him to it. She won't go without and he can never say he's a proper dad when he hasn't put his hand in his pocket for her.

Hissy Tue 15-Oct-13 07:42:26

It's not your money, it's your daughter's, and his obligation.

Money is important, and he needs to pay his share.

But if that's a fight for another day, that's fine too. You have a lot on your plate already.

But he doesn't get to bully you today, ok?

Phone off, don't allow him access to the house. No contact.

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 15-Oct-13 07:56:08

I do think that's something for another day, I don't have the strength.

No bullying I can go with,I think he'll text asking how DD is because when he started the other day I asked him what kind of parent doesn't ask about there child when the doctor is talking about hospital admission so yesterday he texted twice and I think today he will do the same, do I ignore and get grief for it or message back?

He'll ask me if I've changed my plans Thursday so he can have her then too hmm

deepfriedsage Tue 15-Oct-13 08:06:00

I bet they don't have landlord insurance and didn't tell mortgage company its a rental, bet they committed fraud op.

deepfriedsage Tue 15-Oct-13 08:19:05

Don't let exmil see or hear of your upset. If she enjoys distressing others, she will get a kick out of it.

I think you would have been set up by these people over time you would have been chosen for being a softie. They either go for someone to abuse or a partner in crime who is as warped as them. Just watch out he doesn't get a new Gf who is a partner in crime type.

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 15-Oct-13 11:00:44

Don't change your plans. And don't apologise. He has to learn to stop treating you like a doormat. Just keep it brief and polite, and don't let him draw you into a fight. I hope your little one is feeling better today.

Ledkr Tue 15-Oct-13 12:53:12

I'm pretty sure until its settled in court that nobody can force you to hand over your daughter.
She will be already sensing some change and your upset so needs a secure attachment at the moment more than ever before.
Don't jump to his tune, do what you want to do and what feels best for your daughter

3asAbird Tue 15-Oct-13 13:00:02

you need to contact csa op.

you need to deny access and go to court or he will screw you and your daughter over.

Do you know who mortgage is with? be interesting ring them up let them know its a rental.

hope your daughters better soon.

Do you have a hv at surgury or surestart that can give extra support.

As they could be used as character witness in court.

ChasedByBees Tue 15-Oct-13 13:26:34

I'd reply briefly about your DD only and ignore any questions about Thursday. You have plans. He knows this.

Sounder Tue 15-Oct-13 13:46:35

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 15-Oct-13 14:11:03

Sounder have you read the whole thread ?

Hissy Tue 15-Oct-13 14:12:38

RTFT Sounder ;-)

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 15-Oct-13 14:12:39

If you have then I think the last thing I am is entitled

Ledkr Tue 15-Oct-13 14:30:36

sounder
Do fuck off you idiot!

Hissy Tue 15-Oct-13 14:31:47

Ignore the fool Far, they can't be bothered to read the thread before vomiting on a thread.

Editededition Tue 15-Oct-13 14:45:44

You really need a good solicitor on your side, to advise you, so you stay legal but are not walked all over OP.
Most will give a free first consultation - in the meantime, I would post a query in Legal (just watch for the qualified posters, rather than listening to the occasional shouter who actually doesn't know the Law they are usually shut up quite quickly by those who do know exactly what they are talking about )

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 15-Oct-13 17:30:10

I've spoken to a solicitor and have been given some great advice on how to deal with different things that might come up while protecting myself and DD but staying in the right side of a court room.

FarOverTheRainbow Tue 15-Oct-13 17:30:49

I'm starting to feel a little more positive at the minute. A little excited about moving somewhere and making me and DD a home and choosing my own decorations and things

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 15-Oct-13 18:06:54

Is that your thing sounder, popping up on threads you haven't read just to make yourself sound like a twat? Well done...

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 15-Oct-13 18:11:00

Good for you Far smile

I have some experience coping as a single parent of a small child, there may be things you are entitled to - check out the Family Fund, and when you move find out whether the HA/council provide decorating materials. There are also some decent furniture banks around, my aunt works at one. They take in second hand furniture, and recover the sofas, etc. You can find some really nice things.

FarOverTheRainbow Wed 16-Oct-13 19:39:32

Thank you for the tip ill look into it. There's a loan you can do from the council and pay back weekly with no interest bu you have to be claiming benefits for a certain period of time so that's no good.

I'm feeling really good today, decieded to have a little party for DDs birthday this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. I was dreading her birthday thinking immgoing to feel so shit and everything but I'm feeling positive today smile

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 16-Oct-13 21:22:23

That's great Far I'm really pleased for you!

BooHissy Wed 16-Oct-13 22:27:55

Me too! well done love, this is a good day, there will be more to come!

Cityofgold Wed 16-Oct-13 22:45:29

Really glad things are looking up Far. There will be many more good days to come.
When you feel more settled the CSA is a good option - get the money sorted by a third party or formerly laid down. You and DD ned that stability, and he needs to pay.
The somewhat hysterical advice of Hissy to withhold access is a poor option for all concerned - DD is still very much the responsibility of both of you, marginalising him and suggesting his relationship with DD is any less important that your is not the right way to go IMO.
Best wishes.

GatoradeMeBitch Thu 17-Oct-13 00:02:50

I don't think she was suggesting that Far withhold access altogether, I think it was in reference to the baby being ill and needing to be with her Mum.

I don't mean this snarkily and I say that because it's hard to read tone in an internet comment, but the baby has rights too, and they should come above the rights of her father, and her mother. When they're ill, a decent parent would prioritise their child's comfort, not have a tantrum because they didn't get their allotted time.

He sounds like a waste of space quite frankly. Far generously invited him round to see his sick child, and he spent the time having a go at her. He was even happy to suggest that his one year old sleep in a homeless shelter. And he seems to be expecting Far to take on the full financial burden of raising their child, he even wants to take their furniture away! So, yes, Far is definitely the most important parent!

BooHissy Thu 17-Oct-13 01:02:44

Listen CoG, this man is abusing her every time he comes near here.

Every access visit she's been shouted at, he's been nasty, threatening whether she's alone or not.

Her child is ill. He only cares about himself, not even thought to ask about his DD, isn't paying a bean, is slinging her out, and her MIL likes to make/hear the baby cry.

Why should our valient op hand a sick, BF baby to this man? When the child is not going to be cared for, already hasn't been cared for by either?

It's sensible, not hysterical.

What you don't get is that Far is being bullied, has been for ages, by this diabolic duo, and some quiet time, without them tearing her to pièces would be the only decent thing to do.

She's asked for space, not got it. She's asked for civility, not got it.

This guy doesn't care about the welfare of anything outside his pants!

He's not capable, nor prepared to care for this child. What's more he actually wants to make that child suffer instead of being in the best place for her.

He's sick, his mother's sick, and Far and her DD are better off without.

No child should have access to an abusive, tormenting man like this.

Far needs distance to gain perspective. This man is not her partner anymore, he's her landlord's son, and harassing her.

She has rights. She has power, she just needs to find and use them.

BooHissy Thu 17-Oct-13 01:06:39

That 'man' and his mother need to learn that they don't call the shots, and the baby is the only one that's important here.

The rights of the tenant, the mother and the baby are being trampled here. That man must be told he doesn't order anyone around, and certainly not if he's not even covering his basic responsibility.

He's not a father, he's an abomination!

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 17-Oct-13 01:09:57

I am moving out - I am taking the children, therefore i am taking everything, its as simple as that

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 17-Oct-13 08:26:07

This thread has and is giving me so much help and support thanksthanks

Ledkr Thu 17-Oct-13 10:00:52

Well done far we knew you would get here.
city have you read the whole thread and her previous one?
I'm sure if op didn't respect the fathers rights and his relationship with his dd then she wouldn't be entertaining any contact after the way he and his mother have behaved.
As for joint responsibility how about him being happy to chuck his child out and not paying anything towards her.
This is a young breast fed baby and the dad is a berk with a dangerous parent!

i remember your other thread too. so sorry that its all come to this now... though not that sorry as they are a bunch of arses wink

oh and please please contact csa. its not money for you, its money for your dd. you say you dont need it, and thats fine, but please get it and put it in a bank account for your dd to use when she's older. think of what she could use it for... college/uni fees, deposit for a flat/house, her own child (you never know!)

and i agree with everything hissy has said too. stay strong op... things will get better thanks

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 18-Oct-13 09:18:02

I don't want to stop a relationship with him. Yes it would be much easier for me to never see him again but it's not about me.

I'm feeling more good then bad now thankfully. It still can just hit you though and at night my mind always wonders back to what was and what could have been which isn't nice hmm

I've been keeping really busy though

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 18-Oct-13 15:33:31

Why is planning a party for a 1 year old so stressful grin

BooHissy Fri 18-Oct-13 19:37:14

You don't need to have a relationship with him at all.

If he wants a relationship with your DD then that's fine, but he has to do it right and with respect for her, and her mother.

You need the space to gain perspective and strength.

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 19-Oct-13 11:31:46

What I ment was I want my DD to have a relationship with him. It would be so much easier if I never saw him again.

I can't believe my DD is 1 today hmm

BooHissy Sat 19-Oct-13 13:29:49

If this is how he treats women, this is how he'll treat her.

He already IS disrespecting her, so make sure that you look at this from the perspective of 'Is this the best thing for her?'

He can go fuck himself when it comes to his needs, and his wants.

itsmeisntit Sat 19-Oct-13 13:31:01

Happy birthday to DD.
Here is to a good future for both of you flowers cake

DPotter Sat 19-Oct-13 19:19:22

Happy Birthday to your DD !

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 19-Oct-13 22:00:49

Thank you smile we had a great day and I decided to do a party and DD loved it!!! smile

Misfitless Sat 19-Oct-13 22:12:18

Haven't read all posts, just a few, but I did pick up on someone saying if you bought the items jointly, he can't keep them all....surely morally, if you are a SAHM (presumably you were both happy with this arrangement) and he is working, you can't be expected to pay exactly half of all the items anyway...my point is he has probably paid more than half of the value of these possessions, but that doesn't give him the right to keep them, as the reason you might not have paid half is because you both agreed you would be a full time at home mum for your DC rather than going out and earning money. What a bastard ...and I think his parents sound even more hideous than him...almost!

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 20-Oct-13 14:46:23

Feeling abit down today. I miss having being in a relationship an having someone to go and have a meal with or go to the cinema with, having someone to cuddle and cook dinner for. The couple stuff hmm

GatoradeMeBitch Sun 20-Oct-13 15:24:14

That will happen again OP. I know it's a cliche, but you've got your whole life ahead of you!

In the meantime, maybe someone you trust could watch your daughter and you can go out with friends? Or even go to lunch or to the cinema with a friend when your ex has your daughter, it might make those days less stressful for you while you are still adjusting?

I'm glad you had a good day yesterday!

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 20-Oct-13 15:44:46

When XP has DD I constantly keep busy otherwise I sit worrying the whole time. It's just the other stuff. I feel jelous when I see a couple and their baby and think how did we fail to make it work hmm. I can't see how I ever will have it all again

GatoradeMeBitch Sun 20-Oct-13 15:49:03

You will, and you'll probably have better. This is all new to you still, give it a year and you will be thrilled that he walked away. Your ex sounds like a total brat, there are plenty of lovely men about.

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 20-Oct-13 16:19:10

How do people ever meet anyone new? I mean I have a few friends and family but I know all of them how do you ever meet anyone new?

BooHissy Sun 20-Oct-13 17:51:06

My love, plenty of time for that!

You will need to recover from this relationship, and establish the boundaries that'll enable you to see the kinds of men like your Ex, and kick them into orbit before you get involved.

At the moment you are still at the mercy of your ex. You hold WAY more power in this situation than you are welding, and you are holding back because you don't feel entitled to demand for your equal rights/fair crack of the whip, or even basic consumer rights. You think it'll be mean to do what you're fully entitled to do.

All the while you have a 'MIL' that loves it when your baby's crying, and an ex that has slung you and your 1yo into the street, wanting to strip you of all the white goods, furniture etc leaving you with nothing. Words. Fail. Me. Again. angry

Atm you are vulnerable and need to regain your confidence, your strength and sense of self. You need to see that you and your DD need you to defend your position, and to hell with anyone that tries to interfere with that.

Tough talk love, but one step at a time. smile let's get you fixed first!

BooHissy Sun 20-Oct-13 17:51:53

On the upside, finding someone better than this creep ought to be fairly easy! smile

BooHissy Sun 20-Oct-13 17:53:16

We do need to help you see though that swapping a grade 8 twunt for a grade 4 one is still not what you need/want/deserve.

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 20-Oct-13 17:55:44

Everything I say do I'm being told by him that its me that's controlling everything, I want everything my way or no way, who do I think I am to make rules hmm

BooHissy Sun 20-Oct-13 18:23:39

Well, he's right! You DO get to say what goes on in your life!

Especially when others are trampling all over your basic rights as a woman, a mother, a partner, a tenant and a human being!

People like him always say this. Doesn't make true though!

He wants you to STFU, leave the home you're in, all your worldly goods, and make yourself available to hand over your DD whether it's good for her or not.

I'd say that yes there is a controlling arse in thé mix here, but it's not you.

Ignore his protestations, he has no right to dictate your life, or that of your child. Not when he's the one that caused all the trouble you're currently battling with, and he isn't even paying his way!

Get bloody angry and stop talking to him. Get yourself into a position of strength and don't ever back down again to him.

He's pond scum. He deserves ZERO respect. If he wants that situation to change, he needs to put a shit load of stuff right first!

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 20-Oct-13 18:39:16

He's contacted me tonight and come round because he wanted a particular knife from the kitchen. I told him it was petty and there was no need for him to come but he said its not him I'm twisting it on to him, I'm being a complete basturd about everything and I'm making everything harder then it needs to be hmm

I did piss him off though, he was getting angry and waving his hand with the knife in (not in a threatening way just moving his hand and it had the knife in) and I looked at it and he said he would put it down so I said yeh please you've already raised your fist at me once and he walked away pissed off

BooHissy Sun 20-Oct-13 20:05:14

He's got some flipping nerve!

This is why I say no contact unless it's concerning DD and for HER benefit.

BooHissy Sun 20-Oct-13 20:06:08

Exactly what does he expect? Given his behaviour?

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 20-Oct-13 20:16:01

I have said no contact. I don't contact him unless DD is poorly and is at the doctors or something which only happened last week. He just doesn't listen. He use to just turn up randomly but after a bit of pushing he stopped but I still have to leave the key in the door constantly in case he turns up. He doesn't normally contact me unless he wants something like this bloody knife

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 20-Oct-13 20:17:27

I told him a while ago I was struggling with how things have turned out and I wanted minimal contact and I supose in a way he's at least given me that but just being an arse tonight

lizzzyyliveson Sun 20-Oct-13 20:19:09

He can want all he likes but unless you turn the key in the door he can't get in to have it. This is what no contact means. You ignore him unless his communication is about your child. Leave him s