AIBU or is this a jealousy red flag?

(80 Posts)
Trololo Sun 29-Sep-13 19:38:13

Last night my boyfriend of four months was at mine. We were sitting watching tv and my phone beeped. It was a Facebook notification from a guy I went to school with, I don't know him well. It wasn't a private mail, he had commented a status I had put earlier. All very boring so far.

Anyway, I didn't really think much of it. BF was acting a bit quiet and I asked what's wrong, he said he was tired. Half an hour later he asked me if any other guys I had dated before him still text me. I obviously said no because I don't text or mail any other guys in that way iykwim. He then told me he had seen the notification and seen it was a guys name. I explained what it was (fb comment, not a text or pm) and he was fine, apologised for being weird with me and over reacting.

This morning he text me to tell me he wanted to know who this guy was, I told him that it's someone I barely knew and it was a public comment on one of my fb posts and he could read it for himself.

Is it a bit odd to be still questioning me over a ridiculous fb comment even though I explained it wasn't a private message? Also, even if it was a pm or text should I have to explain myself repeatedly to him when it would have been completely innocent anyway?

I really don't want to have to worry about the odd text to old friends. I don't have any male friends I'm in contact with on a regular basis, more a check in occasionally of people I was close to at school/old work places (not any exes) I get why he might ask once but he's still going on about it now.

Aibu or is this a bit of a jealousy red flag?

IfYouLoveSomebodyLetThemSleep Sun 29-Sep-13 19:41:43

To still be going on about it is weird. And what business is it of his if a man comments on your FB, why does he need to know who it is?

It could be nothing, or it could be a sign of how possessive he may be. For now I'd be wary and looking out for other signs, although I know a lot of them remain hidden until a couple of years in to the relationship.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Sun 29-Sep-13 19:42:44

It's a bit odd, and warrants further thought maybe - has he behaved off towards you spending time with other people - male or female? Was there a reason he was stressed or tired?

A talk about expectations is always good - just making it where you both stand, and of course it is perfectly acceptable to be touch with other men, and even friends with them!

CatelynStark Sun 29-Sep-13 19:43:09

Sorry, I think this is a huge red flag!!

CailinDana Sun 29-Sep-13 19:51:23

This would fuck me off big time. II would tell him he either trusts me or he doesn't and if he doesn't what's the point in being together?

ToffeeCaramel Sun 29-Sep-13 20:01:33

I think it's a bit worrying actually. You had already explained it was a public reply on Facebook. Is he expecting you to delete every man you have as a FB friend to avoid future sulks and interrogation? confused

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sun 29-Sep-13 20:03:29

What a weirdo! Get rid!

leobear Sun 29-Sep-13 20:06:10

Weird!!

LittlePeaPod Sun 29-Sep-13 20:07:18

Yes, red flag. Really strange his still stewing about it.

catgirl1976 Sun 29-Sep-13 20:08:28

Red flag for me.

(And very recent experience one a big one)

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 29-Sep-13 20:08:28

That's a red flag to me.

Being curious is one thing. Banging on and on about is weird and possessive.

Loopytiles Sun 29-Sep-13 20:09:26

Red flag!

elcranko Sun 29-Sep-13 20:10:49

That would be a red flag for me. Are they any other signs of paranoia, jealousy or possessiveness?

Madlizzy Sun 29-Sep-13 20:11:12

Run like the wind! This will not end well otherwise.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 29-Sep-13 20:11:36

If I was only 4 months into a relationship and this happened I would get shot quickly.

Ime its what turns into insane levels of Facebook and phone checking that then turns into isolation and jealous rages over very innocent normal interactions with any other man.

Very odd and actually, I'd be really pissed off having to explain myself.

Even if you were friends or it was a text, so fucking what?!

Tasmania Sun 29-Sep-13 20:12:28

Huge, mega-huge red flag.

To the point that I'd say... get out of it NOW - while you can.

YouTheCat Sun 29-Sep-13 20:15:21

Massive red flag with bells on.

You will never be able to have any male friends because he will question you minutely about all of them.

LouiseAderyn Sun 29-Sep-13 20:18:24

I would say red flag in a new relationship where neither of you has a history of cheating on the other.

I would say that if there had been infidelity on your part and you were in the process of rebuilding trust and this was a long term relationship then it would be more understandable.

In your particular circumstances, I say run. You have every right to friendships and shouldn't need to explain or justify them to him.

Trololo Sun 29-Sep-13 20:18:50

Nope, no other jealous behaviour that I can think of now. He has asked how long exDp hangs about for when he's dropping off ds and I've been nothing but honest with him, usually just drops off and leaves but will come in if we have something important to discuss (potty training, sleep habits ATM. We're trying to keep his routine the same at both places so need to communicate). He knew about this before we became official and I imagine that's a normal question to ask.

HE has been stewing over this all night, big red flag.

nigelslattern Sun 29-Sep-13 20:20:08

He sounds like a right cock.

digerd Sun 29-Sep-13 20:21:13

You have known each other just 4 months and he is showing this obsessiveness already? Not good.

ImperialBlether Sun 29-Sep-13 20:24:38

Ugh. I couldn't be questioned like that.

AnyFucker Sun 29-Sep-13 20:24:47

Is he pressurising you over how many men you slept with before him ?

Trololo Sun 29-Sep-13 20:26:48

He's asked quite early on but never pressured. I told him it wasn't comfortable talking about that. It's not a high number btw, less than 10.

Trololo Sun 29-Sep-13 20:27:07

Should add that I've told him since then.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 29-Sep-13 20:28:18

Bin him op

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 29-Sep-13 20:30:07

Red flag.

YouTheCat Sun 29-Sep-13 20:30:26

Give him a few weeks and he'll be asking you to delete blokes from facebook and saying 'well if they aren't really good friends anyway why have them on there?' - seriously he will.

ImperialBlether Sun 29-Sep-13 20:32:59

The worst case scenario with someone who's jealous is that he won't bond properly with your child, as he/she's a reminder of another man having sex with you.

Ezio Sun 29-Sep-13 20:36:59

Seriously, ditch him, i have blokes on my facebook, and i would not justify why they are there.

Have you spoken to him properly about it all? Maybe he has had a previous relationship where he has been cheated on and is still ABit weary over it.

Sindarella Sun 29-Sep-13 20:43:16

Run, as far away as possible. Giant red flag.

Seriously, get rid.

Trololo Sun 29-Sep-13 21:38:05

I have spoken to him properly about it. I told him he had nothing to worry about and that I don't expect to be questioned about who I'm talk to again. He still asked again though.

Ezio Sun 29-Sep-13 21:51:26

Hes gonna keep on at you about it, most would have let it go be the first explanation.

ToffeeCaramel Sun 29-Sep-13 21:51:32

Get rid. Everyone has people of the opposite sex who may sometimes comment on their posts don't they? confused

Trololo Sun 29-Sep-13 21:57:07

Oh fuck. I don't want to get in too deep and this becomes a major issue/drama. I really liked him aswell!!

YouTheCat Sun 29-Sep-13 22:00:50

I used to have a couple of male friends on facebook who, once they got girlfriends, told me they had been told they had to delete all other females who weren't family. confused

These relationships never lasted more than a few months.

There is nothing wrong with a very small amount of jealousy in a relationship but your bf has issues. Is he worth working through his problems?

Trololo Sun 29-Sep-13 22:05:21

I think he is actually but this has really put me off. I wouldn't stand for anyone telling me who I can and can't speak to. I really don't want to get too far in and this gets worse.

YouTheCat Sun 29-Sep-13 22:07:47

He needs to realise he has a problem first because if he doesn't he will start making his jealousy out to be your fault.

TheSeaPriestess Sun 29-Sep-13 22:23:30

I think you need to make it crystal clear to him that you don't expect to be questioned like that if he wants to stay with you. It is a big red flag, so if you don't want to dump him yet tell him in NO uncertain terms that if he starts getting jealous then he is out on his arse.

How many people you have slept with is fuck all to do with him.

Draw him a big line in the sand OP!

"He still asked again though."
Definitely bin. It will only get worse.

FreudiansSlipper Sun 29-Sep-13 22:40:16

if it makes you feel uncomfortable then there is a reason why and listen to that inner voice

Mimishimi Sun 29-Sep-13 23:03:58

Big red flag waving right in your face. Sorry.

AnandaTimeIn Sun 29-Sep-13 23:13:02

He's a control freak.

LTB - if you know what is good for you.

If a man gets hung up on a few FB or text messages from another guy who you are just friends with, well.... you know it's not going to get any better any time soon.

Personally, I would run for the hills/dump and move on.

Just think of it as a lucky escape. Cos you deserve better.

Clobbered Sun 29-Sep-13 23:17:25

Sorry, but questioning you about exDP and how long he stays is bloody weird too. He's a wrong 'un. Chuck him back, quick.

BillyBanter Sun 29-Sep-13 23:20:31

Bollocks him off. Make it clear it's him not you.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 29-Sep-13 23:30:17

Big red flags here run far away or before you know it he'll be needling you for hours over he way you looked at some random guy on the street.

He's questioned you about how long your ex takes at pick up and drop off. Take a second to think about what he's suggesting here. Yes he's wondering if there's been enough time to squeeze in sex there but he's not sure enough of your reactions to voice it.

He's asked about previous partners.

Now he won't let go over a random message notification which is public anyway.
You've told him and he still hasn't accepted your explanation, he believes you are cheating on him with this guy even though he hasn't said it, it keeps rolling round in his head.

Before you know it you will be a slut who sleeps with every man who blinks at you. You have already started explaining your every move and life history to him and eh is getting more and more insecure.

When I was young and naive I had a boyfriend who quizzed me on every relationship I had ever had sexual or not from about the age of 10 up. He then rolled all of these experiences together and decided they had all happened over the 6 months we had been seeing each other and this then justified him cheating.

Run Op run far far away, this will break you.

Trololo Sun 29-Sep-13 23:39:35

He said he asked again because I told him who it was (when asked) but he thought he had seen a different (but similar) name when I picked up my phone. I don't know if that makes it better or worse to be honest. He thought I lied to him so I suppose it makes it worse?

YouTheCat Sun 29-Sep-13 23:42:04

Worse.

He doesn't see his behaviour as odd (which it really is). I don't hold out much hope tbh.

Ezio Sun 29-Sep-13 23:42:05

Hes testing you to see if the stories change.

DrCoconut Sun 29-Sep-13 23:42:15

Red flag. Me and DH have opposite sex facebook friends who we were at school with, worked with etc. it shouldn't be a problem if there is no history of cheating etc which there isn't in your case (going from op anyway). My ex was mega jealous and it ended badly.

digerd Mon 30-Sep-13 07:21:38

He is insecure, jealous and controlling - exactly the type you don't need.

Ursula8 Mon 30-Sep-13 07:40:07

OP, you say this is the second time you have had this convo with him. You also stated that he asked you early on how many men you had slept with and you politely dodged the question, but you have told him since. Why is that? Let me guess...is it cos he totally ignored your boundary and asked you again?
I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest that he doesn't like your friends much, or your family, and huffs and puffs if you go out without him?
I know it is hard when you feel invested and that you have finally found a good un, but far better to flush him now and make way for a healthy relationship. It hasn't been long. Don't waste any more time on him.

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 30-Sep-13 07:50:56

This won't get better. Jealousy can never be appeased.

You would be doing him a real kindness to break up with a calm explanation of why. It could help him examine himself.

BuskersCat Mon 30-Sep-13 07:56:07

Major red flag.

Leave while you still can, before he wears you right down, before he makes it emotionally impossible to leave.

Trololo Mon 30-Sep-13 07:59:26

He hasn't spent much time with my family and friends so far and he's seemed ok with me going out without him. I was scared that this incident might be a sign of these sort of things happening.

Moxiegirl Mon 30-Sep-13 08:06:45

I agree, get out now!

olgaga Mon 30-Sep-13 08:22:19

I think this is definitely "a sign of these sort of things happening" and you shouldn't ignore it.

Get rid now before it gets nasty.

Golferman Mon 30-Sep-13 08:25:10

Hmmmm, I think if the sexes were reversed the tone of OPs would be quite different hmm

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 30-Sep-13 08:32:00

Bollocks would it be different.

Abusive behaviour is still abusive behaviour when done by a woman

Trololo Mon 30-Sep-13 08:44:32

Golferman, my tone would not be different if the roles were reversed. He does have female friends and I am obviously fine with that and wouldn't question him. Also, I think if I did I would be labeled as a jealous 'bunny boiler'

Ursula8 Mon 30-Sep-13 08:47:43

What do you mean golferman? PPs have stated that they have DPs who have friends of opposite sex who may comment on FB statuses and vice versa. Only a control freak would start a drama over it. Or someone who had been cheated on by their partner and already had reason to doubt them.
If I met a bloke who only had other men as FB friends I would think that was really odd.

Bullshit, golferman.

Not everything is a gender issue, you know. Sheesh!

shewhowines Mon 30-Sep-13 09:29:06

Big red flags here too. You need to communicate how you feel about what has happened. It may be a one off but I doubt it. Stewing on it overnight is worrying. It could be, he was genuinely more worried by the fact that he thought you lied, than the text itself. Do you believe this?

If you carry on seeing him, be wary and take your time. Don't invest too much emotionally until you are certain it was a one off. At the very next incident, run like the wind. A leopard never changes its spots.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Sep-13 10:07:34

Is golferman one of those "helpful" people purely here to point out how we are all man haters ?

Trololo Mon 30-Sep-13 10:12:43

I think he might be, anyfucker

Leverette Mon 30-Sep-13 10:18:07

Bin. He will keep creating unpleasant experiences for you (ie questioning, interrogation, implied accusations) until you block people, maybe leave Facebook...you will start getting nervous when friends text you because you will anticipate the questioning.

Yeah, red flag. I have a friend who went out with a bloke who insisted, quite early on in their relationship, that she ring every one of her male friends and inform them that it was no longer appropriate for her to be friends with them. He also interrogated her about former lovers and when it transpired that one of her exes was Senegalese, demanded that she throw away all her Youssou N'Dour CDs on the grounds that it was inappropriate for her to own any recorded music by an artist of the same nationality as someone she had previously slept with. Sadly, my friend ignored this enormous red flag and went on to have a child with the silly bastard.

Fetchez shock shock

intheduskwiththelightbehindher Mon 30-Sep-13 10:49:40

Red flag. He sounds insecure and needy. Get out now, because it won't get any better. I once told an ex how many people I'd slept with (I was age 20, he 30, and my 'score' was low) and he used it as a stick to beat me with, until I'd had enough and dumped him.

Pachacuti Mon 30-Sep-13 11:07:30

Red flag. At best this should put him on a final warning, but probably more sensible to split up.

Golferman, if a male partner were getting repeated private messages or texts from a woman and was being cagey about that the female partner would probably be advised to be careful. But any poster who said "An actual woman , with a girl's name and everything, posted a public comment on my boyfriend's Facebook status. AIBU to be concerned and keep asking him about her?" would get very short shrift.

PetiteRaleuse Mon 30-Sep-13 11:08:34

As someone who had two longish relationships with jealous men, which started out with fairly minor questioning like this but turned into a 24/7 nightmare this does seem like a red flag for jealousy and control freakishness. The most extreme of the two started this kind of behaviour about two or three months in, the other one at about four months.

When you do get pissed off and snap at him to stop he will give you a nice long sob story about how one of his exes cheated on him, probably with one of his friends. You will feel sorry for him, and understand why he is upset and vow to yourself that you wil never let him think that about you.

But even the most innocent action from you like, I dunno, saying thank you to a male shop assistant or waiter, will lead to, at the very least, a Bout of sulking, and at worst a full on row.

He will persuade you that moving in is a good idea, but this is only so that he can keep an even closer eye on you. Before you know it he will want to read your emails, look at your facebook messages and go through your phone and you'll let him, to keep the peace. And it never, ever improves. It just gets worse. I could go on and detail why and how, but I will stop here.

I might have been unlucky but those are my two experiences of dealing with jealous insecure manchildren. When I left the first I thought I' never fall into that trap again, but did, just a few months later.

Now I am in a normal relationship, and it took me ages to not be walking on eggshells and justifying everything to my lovely DH.

So YANBU, I hope that, if you don't walk now, you will remain vigilant to any other signs of this behaviour and walk then. Good luck OP.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Mon 30-Sep-13 11:10:58

He's either really insecure & will question you more & more OR really controlling/possessive. In any case, I'd see this as a huge red flag. Sorry, OP.

InsertBoringName Mon 30-Sep-13 11:48:23

It starts off with questions like that and can easily get worse. After reading your posts on here OP I'd say huge red flag!

meddie Mon 30-Sep-13 11:57:53

Re

meddie Mon 30-Sep-13 12:01:46

red flag. be very wary about getting deeper ina relationship with this man

Fecklessdizzy Mon 30-Sep-13 12:44:10

Slightly dissenting voice here ...

When DP and I first got together back in the dawn of time he was fresh out of an unfortunate thing with a cheating minx who shagged his mate and was extremely twitchy about various male chums of mine. We had several sharp exchanges to the effect that he either trusted me or pissed off and things settled down. Several decades later we're still jogging along and his paranoid period is a distant memory.

So sit him down and explain firmly that if he's going to be with you he has to trust you and if he can't do that then the door's over there.

Good luck!

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