To be mad at DH for spoiling the evening?

(503 Posts)
TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:05:16

It's been a long week for both of us. Long hours at work for him and me at home with dd1 (4) and dd2 (10 months).

DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there.

DH arrives home and we are all ready, we get to the restaurant in good spirits and DH comments on how we're going to have a nice fun evening after a long hard week. We eat and enjoy the meal. Then we walk into the shopping mall and i tell DH I'd like to do the exchange now to which he agrees.

We go to the shop and I start to look for some clothes I can exchange with and DH starts to look antsy but he's ok. I continue looking, and ask his opinion on a couple of outfits to which he gives helpful answers. I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done, and he gets really annoyed. He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. Then he sat there with a face on while I looked (for the whole of 2 minutes), and waited outside with dd1 while I did the exchange.

When I came out I was annoyed and he was in a big huff and we argued hmm

I'm really upset at how impatient he was being. I'd only been in the shop for a maximum of 20 minutes. I'm the one who usually does all the shopping and clothes buying and so what if he had to 'waste' 20 minutes of his precious time while I BOUGHT CLOTHES FOR OUR CHILD.

He said I always try to dominate every situation and that I ruined the plans, and we were supposed to be having family fun time. I asked him what plans and he said 'what's the fucking point in asking now'.

We drove home in silence (with dd1 chattering away to herself in the back) and have both come to bed without talking. hmm

fortyplus Sat 28-Sep-13 00:08:28


MzPixielated Sat 28-Sep-13 00:08:34

He's being a twat. Tell him to grow up and leave him to stew, pour yourself a huge glass of wine


TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:08:37

And may I add, he stopped to buy an Icecream on the way out for dd and didn't offer me one. obviously I could have bought one for myself but it's not how we do it and it's just plain rude and arsey hmm

Famzilla Sat 28-Sep-13 00:08:53

Whilst he was wrong to snap like he did, if DP dragged me clothes shopping after dinner I'd probably have a face on. Especially 20 mins in one shop going round in circles, which it kind of sounds like you were doing. Sorry.

Tbh I wouldn't have been pleased waiting around in a shop for 20 mins whilst you browsed.

quoteunquote Sat 28-Sep-13 00:10:20

I hate shopping, so i understand where he is coming from, at the end of a long week, ending up in a shop looking at clothes, when you want to eat and have fun, I would be horrid.

Do you shop a lot?

It was a bit childish of him not to offer you an ice-cream, and it does sound like he's kind of engineered the whole thing to ruin your weekend. That said, I wouldn't have been impressed at 20 minutes in a shop browsing after dinner (or indeed at any other time). Obviously not excusing his reaction, but could you not just have got a credit note and come back and done your leisurely trawl through the shop some other time?

ethelb Sat 28-Sep-13 00:13:10

20 mins is quite a long time to exchange. I exchanged a broken item esrlier this week in less than 2 mins.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:14:37

Quote - I do shop a lot as I am the one who buys literally every single thing for the home, dcs, gifts etc.

I thought he might even actually enjoy it because he's never been clothes shopping for dd2 , and if I had been him I would have loved to have the chance to do that for once, but obviously he didn't feel that way sad

DH would have got the arse at this but he would have communicated it netter and bloody got me an ice cream.

knickernicker Sat 28-Sep-13 00:16:05

Even IF you were being unreasonable his reaction to it was mean and disproportionate. He almost set you up to fail to prove to you that your purpose in life is to ruin all for him. And how spiteful not to get you an icecream.

better not netter <sigh>

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:16:28

I meant to add, I usually shop on my own or with friends as he's at work, so it's not as though he's always hanging around waiting for me.

Donkeyok Sat 28-Sep-13 00:18:22

It might seem reasonable to us girlies but he's a bloke. Allergic to shopping. Bless him that it was supposed to be special to him even if he did have a selfish tantrum later. Try to prioritise him in the next plan and don't water it down with other (however sensible) plans. He is probable just trying to recapture some romance with family fun, which lets face it exchanging clothes aint. Best to draw a line under it and buy yourself a tub of Ben and Jerrys to make up for what you missed out on.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 28-Sep-13 00:20:31

Enjoy it? clothes shopping really is a chore, not a fun family activity grin I would have been pissed off too, if I had wanted a relaxing time and it turned into ticking off some chores.

I think that he was childish in how he reacted but reading what you wrote, you just decided that you were going to take care of this task while you were there. Practical, yes, but it changed the tone of the evening. Did you discuss it or just drop it on him - we ARE doing this (really really truly honestly dull as bloody ditchwater ! ) task. Id be pissed off if my husband just decided to drag me along to boring chores when I was expecting a nice enjoyable time out.

What did he mean by you 'always' do this? always do what?

BillyGoatintheBuff Sat 28-Sep-13 00:20:40

To be honest where you're thinking he would enjoy it because he never does it is obviously completely wrong! He must avoid shopping coz he hates it! 20 mins is a long time!! But he didn't have to blow his top. You both sound tired and annoyed - try and let it go.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:24:45

Imtohecsy - he meant that I just change or add my own chores into a planned evening without notice. Which really isn't a huge deal, seriously, it was only 20 bloody minutes.

Is that really so unreasonable??

StElmo Sat 28-Sep-13 00:26:10

So, he wanted to take his family out for a meal and you turned it into a shopping trip? Okay, you wanted to return something but you made him sit around and wait YABU to be 'mad' at him, grow up and learn that not everyone will want to do what you want to do all the time.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:27:43

The last thing he said was, you just don't understand, you'll never understand'. blush

What a fuckload of huffery over 20 minutes! I'm clearly still seething while he's been sleeping for the past two hours!

Chocolatehunter Sat 28-Sep-13 00:28:53

It sounds like you've both had a long week and are probably tired and a bit oversensitive.

you said your dh mentioned that he had plans which were ruined by going shopping and I'd be interested to know what they were. Overall I don't think either of you were unreasonable except for the ice cream, that's just mean, your husband wasn't anticipating shopping and you could have just got a credit note and enjoyed your family time. I don't know if you'd want my advice but I'd pick my battles and leave this behind. Maybe tomorrow you could jointly plan a family activity and have a good time together.

Salmotrutta Sat 28-Sep-13 00:30:12

I'm of the "get in, pay, get out" shopping brigade.

I'd have walked put and left well before 20 minutes had elapsed.

Who the f* wants to spend 2 minutes on a shop! never mind 20??

And frankly, if you get miffed because you need another adult to buy you an ice cream then you need to look within.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:30:28

StElmo - buying clothes for our dcs is not my sole responsibility. Just because normally I do it while he's at work doesn't mean it's now something that can't be done together when we ARE together.

MollyBerry Sat 28-Sep-13 00:31:23

YABU I hate shopping. I'm very efficient. Waiting 20 minutes for someone to exchange something would put me in a huff. Even more so if I'd just wanted to go out for dinner

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:32:24

I am really fucking miffed that he didn't offer to buy me an ice cream, yes! angry

Salmotrutta Sat 28-Sep-13 00:35:22

Why would anyone want to spend 20 minutes on a shop unless they were on their own and knew they were trying things on?

I can't imagine being so indecisive that i wouldn't know what I would select to try on/ buy before paying and getting the hell out of there.


Shopping isn't a substitute for friends/social activity you know...

Preciousbane Sat 28-Sep-13 00:36:51

How often do you go shopping for clothes though?

I go about three times per year and pick up the odd item for DC at the supermarket.

He should have offered an ice cream but seems like a bit too much of a palaver all round. That was obviously his act of petty revenge.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:37:57

Chocolate - you're probably right. We are both knackered and I was expecting a simple dinner at home and quiet night in with dcs in bed early. I have a million things to do during the day and I just thought I'd get this one thing out of the way as I don't tend to go to that shopping centre so often.
Oh well.

Salmotrutta Sat 28-Sep-13 00:38:00

OP - you sound like my worst nightmare like my MIL who enjoys browsing in shops

Who the heck actually likes shopping?

Nobody I know,that's for sure.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:40:35

Er, who said I'm replacing friends/social activities with shopping? confused

I was doing an exchange for baby clothes because they didn't fit very well, salmotrotto. It's not so uncommon!

fortyplus Sat 28-Sep-13 00:42:17

You spent 20 minutes browsing in a shop during an evening that was supposed to be dedicated to a family meal. Yes he threw his dummy down like a twat but you started it and you're just going to justify it to yourself whatever anyone says.

I'd be pretty miffed if I went out for a meal with someone and they started dawdling round the shops.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:44:17

But forty, we'd had the fucking meal! It was over and done with! How the fuck did I know what his grand plans were if he didn't tell me and agreed to go to this shop with me!

SummerRain Sat 28-Sep-13 00:44:46

God I'd be pissed too if a nice leisurely evening turned into an extended tooing and frooing of a shop I didn't want to be in with 2 kids in tow.

You sound like my mother. I hate shopping with her as it's far too much indecision and circling around. I walk in, see whether I like anything, buy it and walk out. She dithers and goes back and forth and it's irritating.

Why on earth did the clothes even need to be exchanged on what was supposed to be a family evening out?

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:48:33

All the posters at the beginning of the thread that said he was BU and a twat please come back grin

kali110 Sat 28-Sep-13 00:50:57

Yabu. He had tried to plan a nice family night which didn't involve being dragged and left outside a shop.
He prob said to go in the shop but didn't think you were going to spend twenty mins in there. You only thought you may as well take care of something while you were there but it Sounds like he had something nice planned and it was ruined as you were in shop too long, which prob made him even more pissed and unhappy.
As for the ice-cream, you could have bought your own, he wasn't stopping you.

Selks Sat 28-Sep-13 00:51:35

You only seem to be able to see this from your own point of view, OP.
YABU, sorry.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 00:54:06

Ok....thanks all for replies.

I'm going to bed and I'll think it over with a clear head tomorrow. Maybe I AM in the wrong just this once

Donkeyok Sat 28-Sep-13 00:59:05

I hope you've gone to bed now so your not still grumpy with him in the morning. Sleeeeeeppppppppppp zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
make you feel better.

Morloth Sat 28-Sep-13 01:01:08

We fight if we go to the shops together.

So we don't go to the shops together.

Everyone in our family would rather stick matches under our nails and light them then go a family trip to the mall.

If DH lost him mind and suggested we go shopping after a nice dinner, I might humour him for a bit, but it would be guaranteed to ruin our night.

Sorry but YABU. 20 minutes in a shop while your H and your two small DCS are bored shitless and you wonder why he's sulking?

garlicbaguette Sat 28-Sep-13 01:02:48

Gosh, yes, Tea, how very dare you do a necessary child-related task during a Special Family Evening That DH Had Planned All Special Like, bless him?! A wife's role is to make all the family stuff happen like magic, so Your Dear Husband may relax and enjoy his special showing off time with the children you have lovingly prepared for him.

How could you be so selfish and unreasonable as to make him join you in choosing things for his baby? That's not what men are for! And twenty minutes??? Goodness, you irresponsible woman! Anyone might think you expected him to be interested in his children's things shock

Some might suggest that, if a man couldn't be arsed to spend one third of one hour showing an interest in providing for his baby, he might take the children outside instead of grumping around the shop moaning at you. But, dear Tea, they would be wrong. Because he is A Man, you see. They must be humoured like ill-tempered gods.

You're jolly lucky he only punished you with sulking and ice-cream deprivation. He is not behaving like an overtired 5-year-old: I mean, he is, but one should never ever say so! No, a woman's role is to serve and be sorry.


Morloth Sat 28-Sep-13 01:02:51

You can just feel the horribleness can't you SGB?

Bleugh, especially after a nice big happy dinner.


garlicbaguette Sat 28-Sep-13 01:05:42

As an aside: where the fuck have all these Handmaidens come from? Are you all docile newbies, or is this some sort of invasion from a surrendered wives forum?


garlicbaguette Sat 28-Sep-13 01:06:43

Morloth & SGB excepted grin

I'll just have to suppose you two are having a shite night!

Morloth Sat 28-Sep-13 01:08:11

Nah I just really really hate shopping.

Like really hate shopping.

Especially for clothes, especially while waiting for someone else.

So in this case I can empathise with the shopping hater.

Shopping is always wrong.

God I hate it.

garlicbaguette Sat 28-Sep-13 01:09:07

So do I. But I wouldn't be such a cunt about this. Who shops for your kids?

Morloth Sat 28-Sep-13 01:09:09

Online all the way.

You push the button, they send it to you.

Best invention ever.

Morloth Sat 28-Sep-13 01:09:31


She loves shopping.

Morloth Sat 28-Sep-13 01:11:56

I probably would be a cunt about it.

After a great big meal I probably want a glass of wine and the telly.

Donkeyok Sat 28-Sep-13 01:12:24

Heeeew Hawwwww grin

FreudiansSlipper Sat 28-Sep-13 01:13:19

Silly silly Tea men do not like to shop

tough if you do not be a little strange as you have a vagina but as long as you remember men don't

He is being childish

AgentZigzag Sat 28-Sep-13 01:14:53

He must have said similar to you before for him to say 'you just don't understand, you'll never understand'.

That's something you say when you've been trying and trying to get across to someone that you're pissed off but they're (refusing?) not listening.

It is frustrating.

He was hinting that he wanted to get off but you ignored it, so it's not as though he kicked off without warning. 20 minutes is a long time when you want to be at home with your feet up.

Could you show him you are listening by acknowledging he might have a point with this, and talk about why he thinks you dominate other things?

It's hard not to take things personally when you feel the reasons why you've done something were legit, but it's OK for him to have a preference/opinion, you need to find the middle ground.

FreudiansSlipper Sat 28-Sep-13 01:20:21

one wonders if it was the dh who was /exchanging shopping for the children and dw had a hissy fit would so many be understanding or would it be aww poor guy he was only trying to do a nice thing

will not ponder over it too much I know the answer

garlicbaguette Sat 28-Sep-13 01:20:24

Nah, he was being an arse. They were in a shopping centre - loads of places he could have taken the DC, if he wasn't willing to play nice for twenty whole minutes. Choosing to hang around and whinge is being an arse.

OP gets a triple chocolate ice-cream with Bailey's from me.

DH gets detention in Mothercare grin

Morloth Sat 28-Sep-13 01:26:26

Yeah he was being an arse.

But I can sympathise.

garlicbaguette Sat 28-Sep-13 01:26:26

He must have said similar to you before for him to say 'you just don't understand, you'll never understand'.

Agent, I've heard this from many a person, who meant "You keep getting in the way of me doing exactly what I want when I want!" Statements like that, with 'never' are often loaded, ime. It's the kind of thing children scream say, because children are emotionally immature.

garlicbaguette Sat 28-Sep-13 01:27:13

OK, Morloth, I'll let you off Mothercare duty.
Generous to a fault, me.

changeforthebetter Sat 28-Sep-13 01:27:54

I think he was the twat here - 20 minutes? fgs! wine brew

Morloth Sat 28-Sep-13 01:28:42

I went to Mothercare once.

I bought a buggy.

It broke.

I had to go back to Mothercare, carrying the baby and the goddam broken buggy.

AgentZigzag Sat 28-Sep-13 01:38:38

I was actually thinking about my 12 YO DD garlic grin

But from the other side, that the shit I say to her she just can't/won't see what/why I'm saying it.

There's nothing worse (not talking about DD) than telling someone that something they do has become a problem for you and them brushing you/your feelings off.

He's said it's a bigger thing than just this shopping, that the OP seems to repeatedly have more say over what they do than he does.

That could sound immature, unless the OP's actually being too controlling in some situations and expects him to slot in.

He tried to hint, but she overruled him, if that happened all the time then I'd be doing more than a bit of foot tapping.

garlicbaguette Sat 28-Sep-13 01:51:09

YY, I am mildly curious about how he reckons she ruined the holiday.

Sunnysummer Sat 28-Sep-13 01:53:40

YABU. You didn't discuss it before you left, and then took your time - and 20 minutes is a long time to be shopping at the end a long day and a long week.

Sounds like you both need to be clearer in communicating your wants and expectations. I can see from your responses so far that you are still angry and are really looking for sympathy rather than other opinions, but once you are calmer I do hope you are able to take on the sensible suggestions that other posters have made!

Morloth Sat 28-Sep-13 01:55:46

Well if she wanted a family shopping outing on holiday I am still siding with the DH!

On holidays I want to drink too much and nap while the kids mess around.

whysoglum Sat 28-Sep-13 01:57:07

Dh was being an arse. Those getting uppity are people thinking you were shopping for yourself, if you were in TKMaxx trying on party dresses then fair enough but you were exchanging clothing for your child and he didn't tell you his exciting plans.

Driz Sat 28-Sep-13 02:09:58

I'm with the husband, it would totally ruin the evening for me too, to have to go shopping. Why don't you shop online OP? It is fantastic, and then you don't have to bore your DH or Kids on what could have been a fun evening out.

AgentZigzag Sat 28-Sep-13 02:10:09

The OP said she was really sad he didn't want to look for clothes for their baby whysoglum, that she saw it as a bonding thing with their baby and thought he should too (more control?).

She's judged him as being impatient and it being almost a sleight on their baby, but he wasn't even aware of what he was being tested on, he just wanted to get the fuck home to relax.

AlfalfaMum Sat 28-Sep-13 02:31:05

Neither of you are BU, but shopping is not an appropriate activity for family time as far as I'm concerned. My DH is lovely, but I know he would be a bit fucked off if I hijacked a family night out with 20 minutes in a children's clothes shop. So would my DC.
I'd have sent him off to get ice creams with the dc while I did the exchange if it really had to be done then and there.
Just don't try to make shopping a 'family outing experience' and you'll be fine. It doesn't work.

mynewpassion Sat 28-Sep-13 02:41:49

I am sure he would say that you faffing in the store for 20 minutes ruined the evening.

I know what you are thinking with the store but you were a bit thoughtless. Its family time not shopping time.

no shop is big enough to warrant spending 20 minutes in if you're not trying things on

baffled by the idea that not liking shopping makes one a 'docile handmaiden'

I think good little wives are meant to love shopping. especially for ickle baby clothes hmm

oh and just SAY if you want an ice cream!

zingally Sat 28-Sep-13 02:51:18


20 minutes, wandering round one shop, for a 4-year old? With 2 tired kids and a tired husband in tow? Rather you than me!
I'd have had a face on as well.


He agreed to the exchange. Fine. I would assume an exchange to be a couple of minutes, go in, pick up another item, take to till and done. He probably did too.

He gave 'helpful' opinions on a couple of outfits, which covers the 'taking an interest' side of things.

OP chose some clothes....

Now call me weird, but isn't that the point when an EXCHANGE takes place and you leave?

Exchange = go on, pick replacement item, go to till, leave.

If that had happened OP would have got her ice cream. But no.

At the point where the till was next on the list, after 20 minutes spent looking for items to exchange, that are now in her hands OP utters the line:

'I'm just going to take one last look over that side, then I'm done.'

The 'last' implying there's already been a first second third fourth look over that side.

So the DH offers to take everyone out for a nice family evening after a hard week all round. OP wants to exchange some clothes, DH agrees. OP then spends 20 minutes looking for items to exchange, during which, despite being 'antsy' DH takes an interest, discusses the outfits etc. OP chooses the items for exchange so has done what she'd said she wanted to do, and took a while doing it, then declares that, even though she's got what she came for and she knows that DH is antsy she's going for a last look at the other side.

I love shopping, but if I had gone for dinner with someone who said that they just wanted to exchange something, then spent 20 minutes bimbling around a shop, chose the exchange items, but instead of doing the exchange and leaving, carried on shopping even though they'd already looked at that area I would have been annoyed.

You took the piss OP. You knew he was getting antsy, but he still took an interest. You had chosen your exchange items, knowing he was getting antsy you should have gone to the till. Instead you decided to have another bimble about, looking at stuff again.

Yup, you took the piss, and in his shoes I would be fuming too.

MerryMarigold Sat 28-Sep-13 03:06:42


Shopping after dinner, with 2 small kids inc a 4 yo. Are you mad? 20 mins in a shop while you looked at clothes and I assume tired dh tried to amuse small one or ones. I think it was a really bad idea.

I think he agreed to the exchange because he didn't know what it was going to entail. Then he tried to be really patient but was inwardly losing it after 20 mins (of possibly trying to keep 4yo amused in shop), and then did lose it when you insisted on going back to another thing.

Yes, he was a bit petty, but you haven't explained how the argument happened, and what was said ON YOUR SIDE. (Arguments rarely happen if one person is upset and saying unreasonable things). You sound like someone who always needs to be right, and rarely if ever does something wrong, and I imagine this also irritated dh.

How different if you said. "Sorry I took ages...I hope I didn't ruin your evening."

And yes, if he works long hours, I don't see why you shouldn't be solely responsible for kids clothes shopping - or do it online.

DropYourSword Sat 28-Sep-13 03:19:22

Another one here that hates shopping and would have been vastly irritated by this indecisive sounding shopping trip. He sounds pretty patient to me. I would be really annoyed if I'd been giving input on clothes and then you turned around to saying your were having a "final" look. I also wonder if he's tried to talk to you about why this kind if thing abouts him and you've ignored it before?

If he was in a shop (say B&Q for example) faffing about and asking your for your opinion on some bolts and screws and then stood what you did I think you'd get irritated too when it's supposed to be a nice family evening.

MidniteScribbler Sat 28-Sep-13 03:22:58

What if the roles were reversed and the DH said "we're just going to stop at Joe's to see his new car on the way home" to which OP agreed, but then had to sit around for 20 minutes while they lifted the bonnet and discussed the finer points of 6 cylinder vs 8 cylinder (or whatever it is that boys talk about when they're huddled over the bonnet of a car). It would be interesting to see the responses then.

DropYourSword Sat 28-Sep-13 03:25:41

Except scribbler that that scenario doesn't really benefit anyone else in the family. But a trip to a typically "male" store can benefit the rest of the family.

Canthisonebeused Sat 28-Sep-13 03:26:52

Fuck sake he didn't take her out all expenses spared (to the Chinese buffet In the bloody shopping centre) for her to have now ruined it. I think him calling and telling OP they are going out, when she was expecting a night in, and then taking her to the ships is not on either.

Seriously it sounds like he thought this was an all out major gesture on his part. Which is pretty sad. He failed to communicate with her from the off and then he doesnt want to do what she wanted to do. Boooofuckinghoo!!

It's not all about him. He sounds like a big baby, or a controlling fuck who isn't able to communicate effectively.

AgentZigzag Sat 28-Sep-13 03:38:20

The OP's said she did pick up on him communicating how he felt Canthisone, but she chose to ignore it.

Money doesn't matter when it's about spending time with your family.

It might not be a big deal to you, but I'd fall over in a faint recognise DH 'taking us out' for a bite to eat as really thoughtful, just for the acknowledgement that it'd been a shitty week and we needed a treat together if nothing else.

Maybe he should have fucked off to the pub on his own instead of demeaning them by only going for a Chinese buffet?

AgentZigzag Sat 28-Sep-13 03:39:54

That sounds more harsh than I feel, it's the point I'm arguing rather than meaning it personally against you OP, who I'm sure is bloody lovely smile

YABU. It sounds to me like you've done this before. It also sounds like he's told you he doesn't like it and you've ignored him. Pretty insensitive I think - given that you were going out for a family treat.

It also sounds as if you didn't give him the choice but to wait with you while you faffed aroundd for 20 minutes. "Helpful suggestions"? How generous of you. But why does it sound to me like encouragement to him to grow into a role you expect of him - as one might a child? For pete's sake, let him browse the shopping mall and leave you to take your sweet time if you must!

Of course he shouldn't have blown up, but I don't blame him for doing so.

MidniteScribbler Sat 28-Sep-13 03:53:26

Except scribbler that that scenario doesn't really benefit anyone else in the family. But a trip to a typically "male" store can benefit the rest of the family.

Spending time together as a family benefits the family. Spending the "night off" shopping for baby clothes (who don't particularly care what they wear anyway) is not a family bonding experience.

I'm with your husband. Why on earth would you have to do that exchange on a Friday night following a family meal, when you're all presumably full and a bit sleepy? Twenty minutes is a hell of a long time for something as perfunctory as an exchange.

Also, if you feel resentful about doing all the shopping (and I can't see why you'd make such a point of it otherwise), do it online as a couple/family and have it delivered. It'll take half an hour tops per week once you've got it set up.

DropYourSword Sat 28-Sep-13 04:41:18

I agree scribbler...think we're at cross purposes here. I don't think it was fair to go shopping for the clothes. You made an example about him checking out a friends car...I just meant that that would have no benefit to anyone else in the family (ie the daughter who received the clothes) but you could use a different scenario suchas him picking up tools which could benefit the family as he could use them to fix things at how which would benefit the whole family. And THAT wouldn't really be fair on a family night out. Don't think I'm exposing myself very well, but am in total agreement with you!!

DropYourSword Sat 28-Sep-13 04:42:36


Don't worry, Drop, you exposed yourself perfectly. grin

hesterton Sat 28-Sep-13 05:03:45

Did you shop a lot on holiday? I think most of his anger now is an overflow from then. It does sound as if you are rather annoying to shop with. Maybe you need to accept that, admit it to him and acknowledge his frustration. Then talk about a compromise where he takes a bit of interest and you take half as much time to faff in shops when he's there watching the dc.

Exactly what AgentZZ said. I'd be bowled over if dh came home and took us to MacD's for dinner tbh. Not because he's not a nice person but money and time don't usually allow for that in the evenings and it would have recognised that we needed a treat, which is nice.

To then tag 20 mins of shop-based faffing on the end of that would have pissed me off. I would have wanted to get the hell home and lie on the sofa in my pants and I'm sure he did too. If you do so much shopping then it could have been done another time.

GrandstandingBlueTit Sat 28-Sep-13 05:11:22

You're both in the right and you're both in the wrong. #helpful.

Of course it makes sense to do the clothes swap when you're at the location anyway. No big deal.

However 20 minutes waiting while someone faffs in a clothes shop, when you've eaten dinner and just want to get home and get the kids into bed sounds tedious in the extreme.

It's totally irrational of him to kick off, but I just know I'd be that irrational person kicking off as well. At that point in time, at that time of the day, just willing the kids' bedtime/finish line of XPM time they go to bed to come around.

Cerisier Sat 28-Sep-13 05:27:33

YABU I can't believe you spent 20 mins in the shop while he and the DCs hung about. It was inconsiderate of you.

In the same position I would have gone off to quickly sort the exchange while DH paid the bill in the restaurant, then I would have met him at the icecream place.

PlatinumStart Sat 28-Sep-13 05:33:56

Yeah OP it'd have been so much better if, instead of wasting 20 mins of your DH's precious precious time you had returned home and then the next day traveled with two kids in tow to the mall, to make the exchange, thus allowing your DH a much needed rest after his long week.

Jeez it was twenty feckin minutes - couldn't be have just taken the DC for that icecream? That's what any normal bloke would have done

SelectAUserName Sat 28-Sep-13 05:35:07

While I agree 20 minutes to do an exchange is protracted, what was stopping the OP's DH from saying "Are you nearly done? I thought we might do X, Y and Z after the meal" or similar while in the shop. You know, communicate his plans like a grown-up, rather than keep his special secret family-night-out ideas to himself, act "antsy" and strop like a child (how petty over the ice cream, FFS?) when his post-meal plans - which the OP didn't know, since he hadn't deigned to share them with her - were changed.

TotemPole Sat 28-Sep-13 05:36:18

I would have done the exchange first, before the meal. Get the chore out of the way before the nice part of the evening.

I hate shopping and I hate it even more on a full stomach.

20 minutes is a long time to be waiting for someone when you just want to relax.

Or the op could have been a bit considerate to the kids as well don't forget, and taken 2 minutes rather than browsing the entire range.


You went out for a family dinner and turned it into a time for doing chores. I love shopping but I wouldn't have done what you did, OP. It just wasn't the right time. It sounds like you have form for this too - derailing an outing with something that nobody else wants to do and not making it as quick as possible. Who wants to hang around for 20 minutes outside a shop when they are full and tired and have 2 small children to get to bed so they can chill out after a hard week?

And so what if you bought clothes for your child? You can do that another time. It isn't such a huge deal that it requires the caps lock on FGS - it isn't like you donated a kidney.

Btw, I would even understand your actions if you had gone out to lunch. Lunch is a bit of time off during the day and then you get on with the rest of your day. Dinner is a different matter. It is about winding down. Going shopping really doesn't fit in with that.

And where were you when this ice cream was being bought? Would have it been so hard to say 'Can you get me one too?' when you saw DH go to the counter. I doubt he would have ignored you but you sound like you were too busy having the hump to speak to him. You are both as bad as each other on that score.

MusicalEndorphins Sat 28-Sep-13 06:16:02

This is just a small bump, you were both tired. The worst part was him being petty and not asking you if you'd like an ice-cream. He is allowed to be a bit grumpy, it isn't the end of the world, I promise! I recommend you do not worry over who is right or wrong, go tell him you want to make up, and give him a big hug. Feeling happy is much more pleasant.
As they say, choose your battles!

CoffeeTea103 Sat 28-Sep-13 06:40:52

Yabu, you sound unreasonable and childish. He was ok with you returning the stuff, but 20 min really? I would be pissed too. And you said he was initially helpful so he didn't just immediately get upset, you then overdid it which caused this. This seems like you do this a lot from his response.

And not buying you Icecream? Boo hoo. You could have asked him but you were too upset at him being rightly upset.

Roshbegosh Sat 28-Sep-13 06:44:13

He made an effort and you owe him an apology. You did derail the nice family time, as another poster said and not for the first time.

coraltoes Sat 28-Sep-13 06:45:40

Yabu. How irritating to have to stand around for 20 mins after dinner to exchange something. Get a credit note and come back another time, when other people aren't waiting for you.

kmc1111 Sat 28-Sep-13 06:47:30

YABU. He wanted a nice, fun, relaxing night out, you turned it into a chore. 20 minutes just to exchange something is crazy. If someone told me they just wanted to exchange something while we were having a night out, I'd expect them to be 5 minutes max, and that's accounting for a long queue and a bit of indecisiveness. Your DH was fine with you going to the shop, he did want you wanted and got involved, commented on your choices etc. but then you faffed about for an extra 15 minutes. I doubt your DH had any grand plans, maybe he just wanted you all to get some icecream and have some more family time, but by the time you were done browsing it was getting a bit late, the kids were bored and getting antsy and the fun had gone right out of the night. Maybe he was hoping the family night out might turn into more of a 'date night' when you got the kids home, and could see that slipping away as you became more and more focused on kids clothing.

People asking why he didn't just wander off elsewhere a) it sounds like the OP wouldn't have been happy with that, she wanted him to be in raptures over picking out clothes and b) he probably just kept thinking 'she'll have to be done looking any second now surely'.

If you often do things like this, no wonder he's annoyed. A one-off wouldn't be a big deal, but I have people in my life who do things like this almost every single time we go out anywhere and it's incredibly frustrating. They always just want to make one stop on the way, or they just need to do one thing while they're there. It's especially annoying when you make it clear you just want a nice, relaxing time, a bit of an escape, and they decide it's the perfect time to go buy a new washer for their sink or run into the bank to ask some questions about opening a new account. The worst part is that they always make it sound like it's not going to be a hassle. If they just said 'listen, I know its a pain but I'm going to be a while so do you want to just meet me back here in 30 minutes', it still wouldn't be ideal, but at least it would be honest and save me hovering around waiting like a mug. But they always say 'it'll be really easy', 'it'll only take a minute', 'I won't be much longer', 'I'm almost done'...and end up getting pissed at me because I'm not looking delighted to be waiting for them.

Finally the ice-cream. Jeez, if you want one ask for one. He was being passive-aggressive, but your response to it was also PA, end result being nobody's happy. I really don't know how grown adults can function like this. If you had of just bought two for the both of you after he got one for your daughter, or made a little joke about asking him to get you one, you could have salvaged the night. You say sorry for hijacking the night, he says sorry for getting grumpy, you go back to having a nice time.

Ginnytonic82 Sat 28-Sep-13 07:28:07

Perhaps your Dh had a different vision in his head of the evening. E.g. You go for a nice meal, spend some quality time together, make you feel special, that sort of thing. Not traipse round the shops.

I know he didn't tell you his intentions but perhaps he thought it was a bit more romantic not too, and didn't expect a quick exchange of clothes to turn into a shopping trip. If he was planning a more relaxed evening for you both (thinking you'd appreciate it too) he would be miffed that it got hijacked by the clothes that must be returned.

You've both approached this from different angles, you wanted to be efficient and get a chore out of the way and he wanted a relaxed evening, to help put the focus back on you guys enjoying your time together. Fair enough he did have a hissy fit, but YWBU, and if you wanted an ice cream so badly, why not just buy one?

PlatinumStart Sat 28-Sep-13 07:30:31

"He was ok with you returning it" whoop de doo confused

Part of being an adult is life is not all hearts and flowers - there are chores to be done and sometimes it makes sense to fit them in around other stuff.

As for all this "he made an effort" shit, do the rest of you honestly live in a state where you must be perpetually grateful and ignore the fact that your partner sulks like a baby because he suggested dinner in a mall?! How utterly depressing

PlatinumStart Sat 28-Sep-13 07:37:12

I'm intrigued to know what he had planned beyond dinner - my bet is nothing you were just going to head home since you had two young DC With you.

Cat98 Sat 28-Sep-13 07:40:53

Really surprised by some of the other responses.
Like you say, it's not like it was clothes for yourself.

CaptainSweatPants Sat 28-Sep-13 07:42:09

Hope you got a good nights sleep op

Just tell dh if he doesn't like shopping to get dinner somewhere other than a shopping centre grin

perplexedpirate Sat 28-Sep-13 07:42:28

I would HATE to be dragged around a shop after a nice meal and i would have chucked a bit of a sulk myself I'm afraid.
Especially if someone was mithering me about what I thought of this item and that item and then kept wandering around after a decision had been made.
Why bother when internet shopping is so good these days? Surely you could have posted the items back for exchange?

RabbitFromAHat Sat 28-Sep-13 07:44:56

Shopping is bollocks, so he is not BU about that bit grin but apart from that, there are clearly other things going on.

If he takes no responsibility for some domestic things (like buying clothes) and you are not happy with that, it needs sorting. If he would rather play games and passive-aggressively huff his way childishly around the place, that needs sorting. Etc.

It really isn't possible to tell from this one incident whether he is being a sulky manipulative dickhole who used the prospect of there being a non-existent 'something else' after dinner as stick with which to beat you, or whether this is indicating something else entirely.

Either way you don't seem to be communicating terribly well, and his "you don't understand, you'll never understand" could potentially be a 'cry for help' or something else. Time for a wee sit-down?

KatOD Sat 28-Sep-13 07:45:00

Sounds like you we're both shattered and it got blown out of proportion. I can't stand shopping so would have been happy with you spending a short amount of time doing an exchange, but 20 mins sounds excessive IMO, then again I have lots of friends who would disagree with me.

My approach to this would be to try to make a joke out of how grumpy you both got over something so silly but to agree to discuss it later when you're less tired.

HarryTheHungryHippo Sat 28-Sep-13 07:48:13

Ok firstly I would like to point out that you are not being unreasonable to want to change clothes while in the area and your dh reaction was childish
I think 20mins looking at just the baby section in a shop is a bit faffy when you are only in to exchange a few bits and it reads as if you looked at a rail, moved on to the next, then looked looked at the first one again, then broke it down into possibilities etc...
This to someone who hates shopping could be annoying(I love shopping btw)

I also think that's a long time for a 4 year old to stand around and most of all I feel bad for her becuase she's having to witness all this, her evening is ruined too becuase of your argument and she hasn't done anything yet she still spends the ride home in silence becuase she knows that you two are angry.

moogy1a Sat 28-Sep-13 07:50:10

I'd be really arsey if I had to hang around a shop for 20 mins. when it's meant to be a family dinner out evening.
Do you not think 20 mins. is a huge amount of time in a shop ( I hate shopping!)

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 07:50:49

Im on the husbands side on this one. Knackered after a hard weeks work, dinner with family at home.

I hate shopping at the best of times, worse still on a friday night at the end of a long hard week.

Sodd that. Home, wine and feet up. Not standing around for 20 mins while you browse.

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 07:51:48

What a horrible thing to do to someone (only half joking.) Shopping!

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 07:52:25

*and home

Not at home.

ShoeWhore Sat 28-Sep-13 07:55:21

Your dh behaved like a spoilt child. You maybe could have speeded up a bit but his reaction is a bit silly imho.

lisylisylou Sat 28-Sep-13 07:56:00

Yep yabu, long day and week, go out for a nice meal with kids, He would've thought it would have been a nice treat for you all. then you go shopping while he's got your 2 young kids which might be getting a bit fraught and all he's thinking is that he can't wait to get home because he's knackered. Not surprised he lost it my dh would've lost it after 5 minutes!

MrsAmaretto Sat 28-Sep-13 07:56:51

20mins to exchange an item? YABU

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 07:58:47

Some above summed it up exellently -"He wanted a nice meal out with his family, you turned it into a chore."

Threalamandaclarke Sat 28-Sep-13 08:01:26

This scenario explains very clearly why older friends would always tell me that the "secret" to a good marriage is communication.
Such a lot of upset over nothing.
YWBU to expect them all to wait while you browsed in the shop. I get that it seemed all fun and happy for you but for your DH and DCs it would have been hideously dull.
He WBU to get quite so mean and huffy.
If you had both been clearer about your expectations this could have been avoided. The evening "plans" should have been discussed so they weren't "spoiled".
I think it's a clash of egos in a way. I'd say you were both trying to control the evening.
Hopefully this is all water under the bridge now and he's in a better mood after his morning "cuddle" and he'll take you out for an ice cream to make up for being a mr grumpy pants.
Time together is so, so precious.

gamerchick Sat 28-Sep-13 08:03:33

I don't understand what took so long though. Kids clothes.. too big or too small. Grab next size up/down and bobs your uncle?

I have to be grabbed kicking and screaming shopping by my husband so it's hard to see your point of view OP. 20 minutes was too long to hang around outside a shop and having been out with people who plan full days shopping.. you never know exactly how long they will be so how was he supposed to know it'll only be 20 minutes?

Your bloke needs to communicate better if he's starting huffing. There will be something he won't be and it's coming out in sulks.

SilverApples Sat 28-Sep-13 08:03:45

That would have bored the arse off me, sitting around for 20 minutes, and I bet that it was over half an hour in real time.
But if you always do this, he needs to work out some coping strategies rather than hoping that it will be different this time around.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 28-Sep-13 08:04:41

to reply to your reply to me grin yes, it is a big deal. I would have throttled my husband by now if every time we did everything as a family, he hijacked it and said oh, while we're here, I'll just... pick up the dry cleaning/exchange these shoes/do some window shopping/change my mobile phone tarif/pick up a new tie/pay some bills...

Not every trip has to be productive. grin It's ok to just go for a meal/see a film/go to the park/whatever.

Do you feel like doing something social is a waste of time and something has to be tacked onto it to give it a purpose? Genuine Q. Some people are like that.

20 minutes is nearly half an hour. It is a long time to get tacked on to something and I can well imagine it makes you want to scream if the person does it every bloody time. Particularly if they just unilaterally decide that you WILL be doing it and present it to you. We are going to nip and do X.

I'd be - hang on, you nip and do X in your own time, buster, I never agreed to that! grin

pictish Sat 28-Sep-13 08:10:47

20 minutes is quite protracted, especially after a big meal.

I sit on the fence about this....I could easily spend 20 mins in a shop looking for something to exchange fore...not because I love shopping (because I sure as hell don't), but because I am very very picky. I take yonks over these sorts of things!
That said, I don't think I'd be so daft as to follow up a big family meal with a shopping trip that involved going around the same shop over and over again.
Yes, he lacked patience...but really - how boring!

SilverApples Sat 28-Sep-13 08:11:56

I have family like this, which is why I doubt the twenty minutes nonsense. Twenty minutes for Dsis is a good 45 for the rest of us. And she won't see it either, even if you wave a watch at her, there's always a reason and a huff if you push the point.
So coping strategies, wandering off with the 4 year old and saying you'll be back in half an hour, or that you'll meet up by the fountain or whatever.
No point in seething or getting huffy if you're with someone like that, they don't understand so you need to be proactive.

neunundneunzigluftballons Sat 28-Sep-13 08:16:16

The DH was not unhappy with doing the chore he was upset at how long it took. In most kids stores there is a single area with stuff for the various ages, it does not take 20 minutes to navigate, it takes 20 minutes to browse at a frustratingly leisurely pace ideally without kids in tow. What should have been a 5 minute activity turned into a very long task at the end of a very long week. There really is no need to spend 20 minutes looking at kids clothes in a single shop. OP you should have handed DH the outfit to exchange told him the babies clothes size and I guarantee it would have been done in 2 minutes. YWBVU.

Threalamandaclarke Sat 28-Sep-13 08:17:19

Poor op.
Did you get carried away because normally you have 2dcs to watch over, making browsing completely impossible difficult, then last night you actually had a few minutes in a shop in your own head because your dh was there to help?
It's ok. You can tell us wink
Hope you've made up now. brew

Sneets Sat 28-Sep-13 08:17:34

What a bizarre thread! Interesting.
Both BU but it's life and shit happenswink
Hope you have a beautiful family day UNplanned for this lovely weather Saturday, that doesn't involve food and shops! Those days are always the bestest. In a field with a picnic may help for you 2! grin

Oriunda Sat 28-Sep-13 08:23:32

I hate shopping. DH loves it. I hate going shopping with him as he will always say 'just 2 seconds' then browses aimlessly for 15mins. Whilst DS is going mad (he hates shopping too). I buy everything online. If I need to visit a shop I go in, buy what I'd planned to buy then go out.

YABU. I'd go mad waiting 20mins for you. Browse in your own time not your family's.

LittleBearPad Sat 28-Sep-13 08:28:57

YABU. How on earth did it take you 20 minutes to exchange clothes. If it was just sizes then it should have taken 5 minutes. If it's new outfits it wasn't the time to do it.

Why on earth should your DH have got excited about clothes shopping.

The comment 'I'll just take one last look etc' was probably the thing that tipped him over the edge.

You went out for family time. You made it a chore.

apachepony Sat 28-Sep-13 08:36:42

I hate shopping so yabu from my perspective. My dh has a tendancy to do what you do on holiday, has to go into shops to look at clothes and it drives me DEMENTED. We're meant to be enjoying ourselves not bloody shopping! Actually the only shopping I like is baby clothes shopping but I wouldn't expect other people to wait around while I do it, I would either (and have done) shop quickly or come back and shop at my leisure

DumSpiroSpero Sat 28-Sep-13 08:36:48

TBH when we go out for a meal at the end of a busy week, I generally want to eat, go home & get DD to bed and crash in front of the telly.

I get hacked off when DH take too long over pudding so if he then went on to drag me round the shops for 20 minutes I would not be best pleased.

Not to say he didn't overreact but I can see where he's coming from.

tattiehowker Sat 28-Sep-13 08:39:30

Well to me an exchange is something that takes 2 minutes. |sounds more like you were going shopping. Not the best time do do it - Friday evening on a family meal out? I would have been pissed off in your DH's shoes.

Sounds like you are both a bit stubborn. Time to let go of it.

Gracie990 Sat 28-Sep-13 08:42:54

You didn't take him to exchange. Exchange is swop a ten for a twelve.

You took him shopping! Not fun after work.

Balaboosta Sat 28-Sep-13 08:43:05

I hate these kinds of posts. If you want him to help you with the shopping you need to tell him: "I want you to help me with the shopping". Take him on a proper shopping expedition, planit out and give it a time limit. You said you were popping into the shop to do an exchange and then embarked on browsing and was showing no sign of stopping. It wasn't considerate. He did that thing of thinking im never getting out of here. He's full of food and tired. So he got irritated. It's not rocket surgery. Apologise a little bit, sorry i didnt realise how long i was taking, move on, enjoy your ice cream, have a nice life!

I'm with Coola et al. He thought you'd be two minutes, so sucked it up. If he'd known you'd be twenty minutes, he'd have taken the DC for that ice cream and met up again later.

DM is like this and I know DF gets frustrated. When you're both calm, see if you can find out what he meant by "you always do this" and try to assess if you do and whether it's really reasonable.

SilverApples Sat 28-Sep-13 08:48:44

It was this bit that made me think he needs to get his shit together:
'He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. '

So if she's always like this, it wasn't a surprise was it? You got that 'Oh fuck' sinking feeling when she said 'I'll just pop in and ...' because you knew what was going to happen. grin
Work out what you are going to do next time, sod off and buy you and your DD an icecream or do something to while away the time without getting cross, because it's going to happen again. And again.

diddl Sat 28-Sep-13 08:49:03

I can't believe that I have found so many fellow shopping haters all in one place!

I would have changed the outfit before the meal.

20 mins seems ages to me to change something that isn't even being tried on.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Sat 28-Sep-13 08:49:18

Clothes shopping, general faffing and people using "special time" eg meals out for errands are three of my biggest irritants. The "one last look" would have driven my demented. I know its clothes for your child, but she wasn't going to go naked and get frostbite if it wasn't done then and there was she?

"if I had been him I would have loved to have the chance to do that for once"

You clearly love shopping. A lot. grin

So much so that you just had to cram in 20 minutes worth of it on a friday night after dinner, you loon!! grin In the nicest possible way.

There are few things worse that standing outside a shop waiting for somebody looking at this and that, for 20 minutes! That is an insane amount of time. Dont think I have ever spent that much for myself, even with trying on umpteen outfits!

stitchy Sat 28-Sep-13 08:49:47

If after a family meal out I had to spend 20mins keeping the kids entertained in a shop whilst dh faffed about, taking quadruple the time necessary to complete a simple task I would be mightily hacked off.

I hate shopping with the kids in tow, it is a joyless, life-force-sucking chore.

I'm guessing in truth you actually really enjoy choosing and buying clothes for your daughters and don't find it much of a chore, suggesting that he is somehow less-caring as a parent because he doesn't want to spend ages browsing kids clothes is manipulating things to paint yourself a bit of a martyr.

SilverApples Sat 28-Sep-13 08:49:53

For a baby who doesn't give a toss anyway.

Parmarella Sat 28-Sep-13 08:50:28

First ywbu
Then he responded by bu as well

Now both of you need to make of up.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 08:50:50

126 messagesshock

Um, where shall I start grin

Ok! I'm still knackered (rough night with baby), and I'm now sleep deprived and pissed off. To answer some questions in random order:

Yes I perhaps did get abit carried away looking because DH was there to help with the kids and I could actually look properly. I'm very picky about clothes too hence it taking ages.

The restaurant was a proper restaurant not a buffet even though it was in a shopping centre. However I am the one who suggested it. DH said during the argument 'you only suggested coming here because you needed to get that job done', and if I'm really honest, he might be right


I'm just shattered all the God damn time and with him hardly being at home, my list of things to do is endless. I just want to get jobs done and a fucking decent nights sleep.
Is that too much to ask for?

He's just gone to work with his cheery jolly goodbyes and I'm still knackered and pissed off.
I realise this is sounding very unreasonable but I can't help it and it was only fucking 20 minutes

BoundandRebound Sat 28-Sep-13 08:52:05

I hate shopping and would have been equally peeved. A quick exchange means 2 mins and possibly a few minutes queuing up, instead you went shopping.

I think yabu

LittlePeaPod Sat 28-Sep-13 08:53:25

Oh god my idea of hell. If someone says they are exchanging something I except a quick in and out. Certainly not hanging around for 20minutes whilst they browse.

I am impressed he was as patient as he was for that long. Op YABU.

Tabby1963 Sat 28-Sep-13 08:54:09

Sounds like a typical 'husband/wife' exchange to me TeaJunky. He hates shopping (with you?), and trailing round after you for (what seems) ages and ages, hence the comment "this is what you always do".

I get irritated with my DH when he faffs around when we are getting read to leave for (say) a cinema visit. I like to leave when I have planned to (say, 7pm) and he's still on computer at ten to and still got his slippers on! Aaarrghhh! "You're not going to be ready for 7 we'll be late for the film" I mutter darkly. "You do this every time." Grrrr.

Still, I married him knowing that he is not anal about time like I am so I don't take it personally when he faffs, and I am more relaxed about leaving later than planned nowadays (and I haven't missed the start of a film yet).

Dont tell me you went to Westfield. I would have gotten sponk if I was waiting 20 minutes outside the Northface shop with the kids. Or Carphone warehouse, on a friday night.

BoffinMum Sat 28-Sep-13 08:57:06

I am also in the YABU camp. It was not a big marital crime but it was annoying behaviour, and bit inconsiderate. Clothes shopping mission creep.

This is the result of shit sleep. I have far too many of these type of arguments and get incredibly annoyed when DH then acts all breezy when, in my mind, it's not resolved.

However op I would have been annoyed. You admitted you were both tired, that's not the time to go shopping. Next time, send DH back to the car with kids while you faff do the shopping.

Loopytiles Sat 28-Sep-13 08:59:40

Oh dear OP.

You mention that your DH works a lot and you do everything for the home, including everything you all need. That is hard work, can be difficult to switch off the "must do this, this and this" in your head, tempting to try and combine family time / holiday with getting stuff done! Or even just having time to browse on your own.

Are the current arrangements about who does what working for you?

magicturnip Sat 28-Sep-13 09:00:53

I thought you were being a bit U but now I know you are totally demented through sleep deprivation you have my absolute sympathy. I reckon dhs's need to man up and take things like this on the chin when dw's are sleep deprived demented.

Why has he gone to work cheerfully on a Saturday morning?


Tabby1963 Sat 28-Sep-13 09:03:54

Hey TeaJunky, just thought, was he wanting to get back home in time for the new series of Strictly??

TheBuskersDog Sat 28-Sep-13 09:04:08

You need to stop saying only 20 minutes, plenty of people have pointed out that 20 minutes is ages.

Oriunda Sat 28-Sep-13 09:04:14

Even worse .... you clearly planned the meal out with the ulterior motive of going shopping! Am upgrading you to YABVU!

If it was Westfield I might upgrade again .... my personal seventh circle of hell!

We're all fucking knackered though. I have been awake since 3 and had no sleep since and that's how it is most nights. I have to juggle children round the shops and never really get a chance to browse etc etc. but I wouldn't have chosen family time to do it because we don't get enough family time as it is, and from your op it sounds like you don't either.

MimiSunshine Sat 28-Sep-13 09:06:12

Well on your last post, I'm afraid I think I'm on your DH side.
He suggested a meal out, you suggested a place. Both of you thought you were heading for a nice family meal out.
However you had another agenda which he wasn't privy to until after the meal at which point it was too late for him to object.

It sounds like you aren't compatable shoppers and if you said at the beginning "dinner out sounds lovely, shall we go to X so I can take some clothes back as well" he would have had opportunity to say actually I'd prefer it of we didn't do that as I hate shopping with you.

I also don't see how you can judge him in the lack of bonding experience just because its baby clothes, it maybe what you like but it doesn't make him a bad person for not doing.

Just text him and say you feel upset about the argument and that he didn't offer you an ice team but you're sorry you got carried away and took so long in the shop (20mins of browsing is not the same as a 20 min dash round the supermarket)

kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 09:06:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 09:06:53

So what if he decided it would be nice to do something fun after a hard week. We all deserved it, and if he hadn't made such a fuss in the shop it would have been done without an issue because the dcs were fine. I had dd2 with me in the pushchair, asleep and dd1 was with him and she was fine.

I've actually woken up and cried because I am so exhausted and cross.

diddl Sat 28-Sep-13 09:07:03

Are you a long way from shops/don't drive/without a car in the day, then-because doing stuff with kids in tow is just par for the course of being a sahm sometimes.

Does he ever have the kids so that you can get stuff done alone?

LittlePeaPod Sat 28-Sep-13 09:13:07

OP I know you are tired but with this particular situation I am afraid YABU and its unfair to take out your frustrations on your DH. Does your DH know how tired you are and how the lack of sleep is affecting you?

BranchingOut Sat 28-Sep-13 09:15:37

Sorry, but I think yabu, especially as you know that you are picky and that it would not be a quick in and out job.

I would have anticipated 5 minutes to choose an alternative and then a couple of minutes making the exchange. Particularly as this is your second baby girl and you have seen baby clothes before - it is not like your first trips when pg when you want to ooh and ahhh over everything! smile

I enjoy a bit of shopping but know that these days I have to be a lot quicker and snappier when I have my DS with me, even if DH is there.

BranchingOut Sat 28-Sep-13 09:17:37

Or, I would have taken a quick look at the range online first to see if there were alternatives I might like before going to the shop.

gamerchick Sat 28-Sep-13 09:17:54

Just have a chat with him when he gets in. Tell him that next time you promise it'll just be family time with no shopping.

It obviously bothers him going shopping with you.. you're clearly not compatible shoppers.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 09:22:24

Diddl - no I have my own car, but yes that particular place is out of the way and I'm really shit with directions (newish driver) and I've not been there on my own yet. He knows that.

He may be sleep deprived too though, come to think of it. We both wake up when dd's wake up at night (the older one randomly roams around in the night). We both wake up for dd's Monday to Friday , he gets ready and takes her to school after I've got her sorted, Saturday half day he works and Sunday is his only day off but he has to get up early to take dd1 to this thing she does Sunday mornings.

I am knackered doing everything but at the same time, I can see he is helping as much as he can after work ( if he's home in time for bedtime, he'll do bedtime for dd1, and he'll Hoover etc.

I guess I'll say sorry. It was supposed to be a nice relaxed evening sad

ladymariner Sat 28-Sep-13 09:23:03

Agree with orlunda

And that does not make me a handmaiden!

Weeantwee Sat 28-Sep-13 09:23:14

20 minutes in one shop?!



kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 09:23:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tuppenceinred Sat 28-Sep-13 09:24:09

20 minutes - nearly half an hour dragging round one shop - and just when he thinks it's over and you might finally get out of the bloody place you say "I'll just take one last look..." and he cracked. I'm a woman who loves to shop, but I would have done too.
Your husband planned a treat, a nice meal out for the family. It was a chance to relax together at the end of the week. If you really had to do a clothes exchange in the same trip you should have mentioned it in advance, just said to him "do you mind if we nip in X shop to change those clothes?" Possibly it would have made more sense to get that out of the way before the meal as well. But the least you could have done was have a bit of consideration and done it quickly, not turned it into a shopping endurance test. Can't you see how irritating that would be? Even if all he planned was to go home and chill out together, he'd planned a relaxing time for you all. You hijacked it. He did try, he did take part in some choosing, but it went on... and on.. and on...
I think he was childish re the ice cream, but it sounds as if you have form for this. There's a hint there that you dragged the family off on protracted shopping trips when you were on holiday. My male best friend has a wife who does that, every day on every holiday she has to go and shop. Dragging him and the kids with her when the point of a holiday is to relax. I don't know how he doesn't kill her. grin

ladymariner Sat 28-Sep-13 09:24:50

X post with you Op, and yes, he definitely will be sleep deprived too. Hope you have a nice chat and a make-up when he gets home

WorrySighWorrySigh Sat 28-Sep-13 09:25:50

Sorry, YWBU (though I guess you know that really). 20 minutes is a very short time if you are doing something you enjoy but an absolute eternity if it is something boring.

Try to get some rest today but also look at that list of yours. Actually write it down. Are there some things you could give to other people (including DH)? Are there some things on that list which have grown big in your mind but which actually could be knocked off quite quickly if you set to them?

kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 09:27:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tuppenceinred Sat 28-Sep-13 09:28:15

I think perfectly reasonable for him to mind the children while Op shopped, if she'd mentioned it in advance. But she didn't. And if that was the solution, maybe it would be nicer for husband and children to be allowed to stay at home. This was a nice family meal out, not a shopping trip.

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 09:29:05

Do everything you can to get some sleep. Things will look better then. And don't sneak in chores. And if you are picky, only shop solo. But most of all, get some sleep.

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 09:32:12

And you are not doing everything. Sounds to ms as if he works very hard.

ToffeeCaramel Sat 28-Sep-13 09:34:30

Sounds like he overeacted, but 20 mins is quite a long time to spend choosing a child's outfit.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 28-Sep-13 09:35:38

I'm glad that you are going to say sorry OP as I do think on this one YABU.

Your DH was thinking "we have all been working hard, wouldn't it be nice to go out and have a family dinner" you were thinking "oh why don't we go to the mall and that way I can swap some baby clothes while we are there." Your DH comes out a bit better.

Sometimes if we are out to do something as a family DH will stop to do something he wants to do, like pick up bait from the fishing tackle shop, so 15 mins waiting in the car whilst he goes off and does his thing - drives me crazy, as it's meant to be us doing family things. it would be different if he mentioned it in advance.

OP you obviously enjoy shopping, but stop trying to justify it so much. Yes your child needs to wear clothes otherwise it will be naked, but wow 20 mins in a shop comparing outfits. If you really had to spend that much time you would have been better nipping out of the restaurant once the order was put in, at least that way you aren't forcing your entire family to trail round the shops with you.

In future when you go on holiday and you want to do elongated shopping, then I would suggest that you try to go by yourself. It will do DH good to spend time with the DCs and that way you can spend as much time as you want.

Or another option going forward - some lovely children's clothes available online, that way you can browse to your heart's content.

HungryHorace Sat 28-Sep-13 09:38:01

I'm in the YABU camp too.

I'm sleep deprived with a 3mo DD and that means I actually wouldn't want to spend that long shopping as I'd want to get home to try to get a little rest if possible. I hate shopping / faffing anyway, so your behaviour would have really pissed me off even if I wasn't knackered.

Yes, your DH was petty, but I know I'd have probably been the same in his shoes. Sorry.

TSSDNCOP Sat 28-Sep-13 09:38:39

My DH would have gone postal if I'd fucked about for 20 minutes in a shop exchanging kids clothes. YABU.

diddl Sat 28-Sep-13 09:39:53

Well I can't see the problem with swapping the clothes-seems sensible if it's not so easy for OP ti get there.

I guess OP didn't just swap though-was having a good old look round as well.

Perhaps her husband should have known & taken the oldest for an ice cream?

But maybe he thought OP really would just change the stuff?

The old hope over experience thing!grin

shewhowines Sat 28-Sep-13 09:40:41

I think this is a non issue really. You both had different agenda's. neither of you were right or wrong. You are both tired and stressed. Apologise for upsetting his plans but not for what you did. Explain to him what you told us and listen to why he feels you hijack every occasion. Tell him neither of you were right or wrong.Make up and forget the whole thing.

Threalamandaclarke Sat 28-Sep-13 09:42:51

Ah. Sleep deprivation.
Utterly soul destroying. I have 2 small dcs. One of whom wakes a couple of times every night for feeding to torture me.
Then a relentless day starting the next morning.
And he swans off to work, in clean, smart clothes, with aftershave on, socialising with adults, enjoying coffee breaks and lunches and hasn't got a fucking clue how tired you are ("I wake up too" - fuck off unless you're actually getting up) and how much you do just to keep clean pants for everyone and stop all the mess from drowning your entire family.
Anywhere near close?
I can see how it feels overwhelming and the desperation to get something done from your list drove you to force this shopping trip on your family grin. You need some rest. Grab it when you can. Ditch whatever task you do when 4 yo is at nursery (if you can get 1 yo to nap) and lie down. Be kind to yourself.
I agree with whoever it is who said that you need to stop saying it was"only 20 minutes" that's not the point and you know it.

[sleep emoticom]
Then get the kids to bed tonight and sit down with your dh and have half an hour of just being a couple.

Threalamandaclarke Sat 28-Sep-13 09:45:24

Yy to shewhowines

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sat 28-Sep-13 09:51:42

It sounds like he does what I do.

Thought process: "Oh, she's looking at clothes... tum te tum... still looking.... she took ages doing that on holiday once.... that made me cross... <Gets a bit cross at memory> Bet she's going to take bloody ages now... <Gets REALLY cross in anticipation> Yep, that's what'll happen; she'll... oh, she's finished. I'm still cross though; must be because she ALWAYS does this and it's about time I said something."

WE know we're being unreasonable... deep down. On some level.

Iwaswatchingthat Sat 28-Sep-13 09:51:46

My DH can sometimes be a bit like this. When the dds were really small and it was tricky to get stuff done during the week he used to be annoyed if his 'family time' was wasted by kids shoe shopping or choosing a coat for them or something....

I had to really explain to him that it is challenging getting anything done with two (at the time) very small dds, so I needed some adult help.

Also when you are really tired you are a bit dithery over simple decisions and sometimes you just want someone who also knows and loves your dds 'yes that coat will look nice'.

I don't at all feel this way now, but can remember when the dds were really young, just wanting my DH to help and support me more with all the 'boring' jobs - hair cuts, party presents, shoe shopping, exchanging....which are just part and parcel of family life.

It annoyed me that he expected his family time to be all picnics and big days out when sometimes boring stuff needed sorting and I felt it should not all be my responsibility.

Is this how you feel OP? If so you bed need to express this to your DH.

Back2Two Sat 28-Sep-13 09:53:01

You were keen to get that "job" done and cross that he couldn't give you the time to do it when it was related to your child (the responsibility of both of you)

Be honest though sounds like you love shopping, and love shopping for clothes for your dc. Would you let your dh do the clothes shopping without you and choose whatever he wanted for your dc to wear? Be totally honest with yourself. This was something you actually WANTED to do, it's not something you NEEDED to do and certainly not when you were meant to be having a time that was enjoyable for all of you. You might like him to be involved but ultimately I bet you have the final say. That does make it pretty boring for the other person.

Your dh doesn't like shopping....unless you actually desperately want him to be the main shopper in your relationship and shopping is a real chore for you then you could respect this. He's asked you before not to do this kind of thing and you have chosen to ignore him.

I do shop a lot as I am the one who buys literally every single thing for the home, dcs, gifts etc.

I thought he might even actually enjoy it because he's never been clothes shopping for dd2 , and if I had been him I would have loved to have the chance to do that for once, but obviously he didn't feel that way sad

So you have a husband with a clearly expressed preference for NEVER GOING SHOPPING, and unilaterally decide that what he'd really enjoy, after a heavy meal at the end of a long week when he's got to get up for work again the next day, is to go shopping??


RhondaJean Sat 28-Sep-13 09:57:58

I effing hate shopping Nd if I had gone for dinner with a friend and on to do something fun and she had done this I would have had a right strop on.

Bet he had a film in mind or a bowling slot booked and you missed it faffing about.

Btw you lot up there ^possessing a vagina does not mean you need to have been conditioned to enjoy shopping. It is not a leisure activity.

DoJo Sat 28-Sep-13 09:58:12

I wouldn't go down the route of telling him you don't think you were wrong - blame doesn't ave to be apportioned for an apology to be heartfelt.

RhondaJean Sat 28-Sep-13 10:01:06

You know what though, it's not worth crying over. Honest.

livinginwonderland Sat 28-Sep-13 10:01:53

YABU for telling him you wanted to exchange something and then proceeding to spend 20 minutes in the shop, leaving him to watch two full and tired children.

He is BU for throwing a strop, but you said that you could see he was getting antsy, so why not just leave and sort it out another time? It didn't HAVE to be done then and surely if you could see he was getting fed up, you'd leave and prevent him from getting more annoyed?

I would be annoyed if I took DP out for a meal and afterwards, he proceeded to drag me around shopping for video games or something for 20 minutes. Two minutes to exchange something is what he agreed to, not "let's go shopping!".

Nanny0gg Sat 28-Sep-13 10:04:50

I think garlicbaguette has done a beautiful summing-up of the situation.

And for all of you that hate shopping - it was 20 bloody minutes!.

Saved OP another trip (although, I suppose her time isn't that important, is it?) and he could have sat outside and chatted to his DC or taken them to look at something (it was a mall- there's always something to look at).

He was being an arse.

Nanny0gg Sat 28-Sep-13 10:06:02

It didn't HAVE to be done then and surely if you could see he was getting fed up, you'd leave and prevent him from getting more annoyed?

You mean, treat him like a toddler? Well, he behaved like one, so I suppose that could have worked.

SilverApples Sat 28-Sep-13 10:07:00

'And for all of you that hate shopping - it was 20 bloody minutes!.'

NannyOgg, she thought it was 20 minutes...

Oblomov Sat 28-Sep-13 10:10:06

I'm with the husband.
AND when he said 'you never get it' , it is clear that he is right. OP doesn't get it. I bet you, she does get told and told and told. And doesn't get it. She's not listening.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 10:10:09

Oh for fucks sake it WAS 20 minutes if that!

FrightRider Sat 28-Sep-13 10:10:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DH would have hated this. However, instead of stropping and becoming a passive aggressive man child he would have told me, I would have completed the transaction and we would have gone home.
Your DH behaved like a petulant child. That's what I would be annoyed about.

LouiseAderyn Sat 28-Sep-13 10:10:55

I feel like I have inadvertently strayed into the 1950s with this thread. Wtf iscerong with some of you? Sulking is pathetic and childidh and there is no excuse for it ever. Spending 20 minutes in a shop is not the end of the fucking world and saved the OP an additional trip another time.

The clothes are for his child too!

So a big YANBU from me. The other ce cream thing was him behsving like a prick! I certainly would be making a huge fuss ovet his rudeness and lack of respect. What he wants to do is not more important than what you want to do!

kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 10:11:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaroldLloyd Sat 28-Sep-13 10:12:12

DP hate hate hates shopping. I'd have run in and done in whilst telling him to go on ahead & get the ice cream or whatever.

There is nothing to be gained from me trying to get him involved at all.

I think you were perhaps setting yourself up for a disappointment thinking he might enjoy it - and twenty minutes is a lot of time looking for one item I think.

Saying that there was no need for him to be so rude, but sounds like you might have had a pop at him first?

I'm a bit on the fence!

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 10:15:48

Laughing at, "It's a mall. There's always something to look at." More shops. A lot of coffee chains. This isn't sitting in some lovely piazza watching the fountains and sipping a chilled fino while your children frolic with other children. This is a mall. Change a few letters and you've got hell.

ExcuseTypos Sat 28-Sep-13 10:16:44


Sorry, but I'd have hated to spend the end of a lovely evening, shopping.
I hate it. I realise you needed to exchange the clothes but I would have either spent 2 minutes doing it or asked him to choose something (which would have taken him 30 seconds).

20 minutes is too long.

He is a twat for not buying you an ice cream though.

Threalamandaclarke Sat 28-Sep-13 10:17:46

Why didn't you just say to him that you wanted to shop for clothes for dd?
Because he is obviously a great big knob for sulking (I hate sulking) but it was disingenuous to tell him you were going to exchange an ill fitting item of clothing when you were actually going to choose clothes.
I would have been annoyed with both of you and sent you to your rooms to think about it.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 28-Sep-13 10:18:46

How about if we changed the scenario?

What if the OP was browsing at the book section rather than looking at childrens clothes? Or what if the DH was looking at electronic gadgets?

20 minutes seems like a long blinkin time then doesn't it?

It can take very little time indeed to pick children's clothes, so spending loads of time on it seems like a hobby or indulgence, rather than a necessity.

It would indeed be slightly different if we were talking about say, getting measured up for shoes, or going for a haircut, but I would say that unless pre-agreed these still shouldn't be slotted into a night out.

Clothes exchange would sound to me like a quick in and out, I'd be seriously annoyed in that scenario if I ended up having to wait 20 mins.

Nanny0gg Sat 28-Sep-13 10:19:07

For a few minutes there is something to look at - even if it's just other people.

Unless the DC were screaming the place down he should have been able to entertain them.

Alternatively, the OP could have gone another day, trailing her two children on her own, which would have involved more time and more hassle (and probably more money).

God forbid he should spare 20 minutes to help out when they were already there!.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Sat 28-Sep-13 10:19:32

I don't see how its treating someone as a toddler to recognize that they don't like shopping, that on a Friday night everyone is a bit tired and the point of a meal out was treat not chores and therefore either to leave it or get it done as quickly as possible. Twenty minutes if you don't like shopping and after a meal is a bloody long time.

kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 10:19:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Threalamandaclarke Sat 28-Sep-13 10:20:41

Op.i like you.
Feel free to bring your DCs round to mine this morning and you can have a lie down while I watch them.
But please stop saying " it was only 20 minutes" it's getting a bit scary.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 28-Sep-13 10:21:16

OP - what did happen on holiday as regards shopping?

HotCrossPun Sat 28-Sep-13 10:21:33

I feel like I've stumbled into another universe reading some of these replies.

What is with all the emboldening of 20 minutes!!!!? He had to spend 20 minutes in a shop with looking after one of his children while the OP exchanged some clothes. So what? It really isn't as sensational as some of you are making out.

OP wasn't being 'inconsiderate' of her children and DH or 'encroaching on family time' she was exchanging a clothing. For one of her children.

He was a childish arse.

SilverApples Sat 28-Sep-13 10:21:48

He should have wandered off with the older DD. That's one of the good things about having a mobile, OP could just have rung and said 'I'm done now' and they could have wandered back.
It's what we did when I had teens, because we hated standing around whilst one of us cooed and squeaked over something for 20 minutes or so that the rest of us weren't interested in.
These were clothes for a 10 month old, how hard is that?

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 10:22:07

Of course he could have. And he could have entertained them for another hour while the OP (by her own admission a picky shopper) browsed and dithered, asking his opinion every five minutes (so he felt involved and bonded.)

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Sat 28-Sep-13 10:22:49

But on aore constructive note, I'd say put it behind you. Remember that he doesn't enjoy group shopping so either give it to him to do (if you don't want to do it), do it yourself or make it as quick and painless as possible. Everyone has the occasional Friday night strop (DH anD I did last night) but no need to let it spill over into the weekend.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 10:22:50

YABU who the fucking hell wants to go shopping after a long week at work, when all you want to do is relax. If it was a straight in and out for the exchange, a different size or a refund, fine, but you faffed about looking for other stuff too - i would be mighty pissed off if it were me. It wasn't him that spoilt the evening, it was you!

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 10:23:24

I'm sorry, but an adult doesn't need help buying baby clothes. Moving a wardrobe yes, but not buying baby clothes.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 28-Sep-13 10:24:12

Or another option as regards the timing. OP could have rushed off whilst DH settled the bill and he could get the DCs ready to go and meet her at the shop. That activity would easily take 10-15 mins.

That way OP gets to go to the shop and DH and lets not forget the DCs, don't have to linger for too long.

lupo Sat 28-Sep-13 10:24:15

Poor tea. I love shopping, come over to the styles and beauty thread there are lots of like minded people. You took twenty mins, you went to one shop and it was for yours and his child, can't see the big deal. I always go shopping with friends or alone but really would be cross if dh could not wait for me to exchange something for 20 mins.

Not sure why you are being slated. I don,t like fishing but if dh went to a fishing shop for 20 mins on route to somewhere it is no big deal. Maybe you didn't want to go out for dinner but you went to keep him happy so why can,t you spend time in one shop.?

Not sure why posters are being so hard on you. Mumsnet at its worst I think

SilverApples Sat 28-Sep-13 10:24:41

Imagine her fury if he'd said 'I'll do the exchange'
Bet she's have been on here telling everyone how wrong he'd got it.

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 10:25:02

What did you do on holiday by the way? A lot of haggling?

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 10:30:00

I thought you were BU when you wrote your OP

"DH rang to say he is taking us out to dinner to our favorite chinese resturant."

But it turns out that wasnt the truth, you suggested to him you wanted a chinese, that he had to drive and after all this it was actually all because you wanted to return a top which took you ages (your words) because you are picky about clothes (your words).


If you 'always do this' like he said then honestly its not surprising he got pissed off.

Sleep deprivation sucks. But if you need time off, ask for it. Take it.

But really, thats not what yesterday was about at all.

kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 10:30:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotCrossPun Sat 28-Sep-13 10:31:57

I've not seen bandwagon-jumping like this for a long time.

Some of you should be ashamed of your responses. Saying YABU is fine. Telling somebody that they have ruined an outing and they are inconsiderate towards their children, selfish etc isn't. Especially when you are talking about somebody exchanging some clothes for their child.

UrethraFranklin Sat 28-Sep-13 10:32:12

Can see where you're both coming from! Surely if the exchange needed to be done there and then, it could have happened before the meal?

I love shopping but hate any activities (inc. shopping) after I've just eaten! Esp in the evening where I'd like nothing more than to go home and lie down grin

to a previous poster, having a vagina means I can have sex, give birth and use tampons. not that I think giving companies money to obtain goods is a leisure activity

Bumpotato Sat 28-Sep-13 10:37:59

DH hates shopping unless in the apple shop or a big telly store In your situation I'd have suggested he stay in the restaurant and have an extra coffee/drink while I did the shopping bit in peace. Or he and the kids could have stopped at the ice cream bar while you did your thing. All of you don't need to trail round the mall together.

PlatinumStart Sat 28-Sep-13 10:39:15

She wasn't just browsing though was she - she was returning something so it was a "legitimate" chore, if she hadn't taken the opportunity to do it then she would have had to go out of her way to do it at a later date.

I am utterly stunned at all the grown woman here who are intent on treating a grown man like a toddler with a five minute attention span. Who in their right mind gets in a strop at a 20 minute diversion when the alternative is to put their partner significantly out of their way on a later date.

NewNameforNewTerm Sat 28-Sep-13 10:41:42

OP did recognise her husband was getting "antsy", but chose to carry on. Yes she'd had a tough week at home with young children, but he'd had a long week at work and was trying to do something nice as a family by going out for a meal. He was unreasonable about the icecream, but I'd be annoyed too. OP had seen he was fed up but didn't bother doing anything about it. Empathy in a relationship goes both ways.

It reminds me of a mega sulk I had many years ago. We'd been in a similar home situation, DH took us out, but on the way back needed to stop for some air for the tyres (?), but it was at a garage that had a car dealership. I sat in the car with the kids while he sorted the tyres, then rather than getting back into the car and us driving home he popped next door as he's seen a car that caught his eye, then browsed at the cars for ages. I was stuck in the car with the children, steaming!

kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 10:42:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 10:48:01

Platinum why do you think the OP suggested to her husband to go to the chinese instead of being honest amd saying she actually wanted to go to town and return an item?

Probably because she knew full well the last thing he would want to do on a friday evening is ferry her to town while she dithered around a store to fuss over clothes deciding what she did and didnt like.

Would that not piss you off? She knew full well (and so did he by the end!) the trip had nothing to do with a 'nice meal out' but everything to do with her wanting her husband to take to return an item and clothes shop.

He has every right to be annoyed.

Who on here wouldnt mind finishing a long hard week at work then being asked to drive your husband or wife to town to go clothes shopping?

And it was clothes shopping. The best thing she could have done was get a refund and chose something else at a better time.

And for the person who suggested he got an ice cream - he did! And afterwards she still wasnt done.

But apparently that pissed the OP off because he didnt offer her an ice cream hmm

PeachesandStrawberry Sat 28-Sep-13 10:49:41

Bloody hell.

Have I gone back to the 1950s or something?

He got in a sulk about just spending 20 mins shopping and turned it into a big thing.

If there was a problem on holiday he should have spoken to her about it then.

And as for not getting her an ice cream, pathetic.


BoundandRebound Sat 28-Sep-13 10:50:28

20 mins is a really long time when you're waiting

A REALLY long time

Bollocks. This has nothing to do with wage earners or vaginas. If it had been the other way round I would have said exactly the same thing. That's just a rather feeble attempt to gain the upper hand and make it something it isn't. Exchanging takes 3 minutes. Browsing takes 20 and I'd have been massively pissed off if DH had done the same to me at the end of a long week. Especially if he had form for it.

Pigsmummy Sat 28-Sep-13 10:54:56

I am sorry but the idea of hanging around in a clothes department for 20 minutes would completely ruin the nice buzz of a nice evening for me. Just asked DH and he agreed. YABU

PeachesandStrawberry Sat 28-Sep-13 10:55:22

Then he should have told her that he was getting impatient instead of blowing up at her. She may have been in the wrong for going shopping, but he was more in the wrong by blowing up.

PigStack Sat 28-Sep-13 10:55:42

I thought he might even actually enjoy it because he's never been clothes shopping for dd2 , and if I had been him I would have loved to have the chance to do that for once, but obviously he didn't feel that way

My usually very patient dh would have hated to go shopping in a situation like this - despite never having shopped for our 11 year old dd.

ArmyDad Sat 28-Sep-13 10:56:16

It is almost painful shopping with my wife and oldest. So I take the youngest out some where fun where I can get a brew (soft play) after dropping them off at the shops. Then we eat together later on. Seems like a simple solution to me, but then we all need to find our own way about stuff.

You sound like arguing siblings who need a proverbial "knocking heads together"

LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 10:56:49

20 minutes is not a short time when you have a tired toddler and 4 year old, its actually forever!!!

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 10:58:05

I agree, fuck all to do with vaginas and wage earners.

If my partner wanted me to traipse into town after a full on week looking after the kids with the promise of a nice meal but it turned out the real reason was because he wanted to return a TV and spend 20 mins browsing others while I looked after the kids, exhausted and desperate for bed time Id be ver pissed off.

Especially if it turned out the whole reason I had driven him there was. Ot because of a lovely meal. But because he wanted to look at TVs.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 10:58:45



To everyone who is slating me.....

Fuck right off! Yes! You...and you ...and you, you know who you are!


OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 10:58:55

He did Peaches!

Is no one reading the OP's posts?

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 10:59:23


TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 11:00:50


OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 11:02:31

You never did give a fuck love, thats the problem in the first place. hmm

Parmarella Sat 28-Sep-13 11:04:01

O, i change my mind

You are very reasonable OP


LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 11:04:04

Wow - you sound charming!!

Threalamandaclarke Sat 28-Sep-13 11:04:14

tea go and lie down FFS. Isn't there something good shit on telly?

DamnBamboo Sat 28-Sep-13 11:04:23

Just read your post of 08:50:50.


And stop whinging about being tired - it's par for the course with young kids. We've all been there and it sucks, but really!
Do you want him to work full-time and be knackered all the time too?
Does he do nothing around the house/with children out at all, ever?
Do you WOTH? If not, it's perfectly reasonable that you should do more of the domestic house-related stuff.

DamnBamboo Sat 28-Sep-13 11:06:06

And in response to your 10:50 post, all he did WAS.THROW.A.MINOR.STROP.

Why do you think it's ok for you to get so het up about this and that's all ok, but it's not for him?

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 11:06:53

Its the fact that the original post turned out to be bullshit.

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:07:12

I hunk you are being unreasonable.

And slightly disingenuous in your op.

You wanted to go to that Chinese so you could return the clothes. Return to me means swap. Go in, get right size of identical clothes, till, swap done. Out.

You wanted to browse. Not return.

And what the heck is this testing him and he failed because he wasn't showing his love for dd2 by choosing clothes?

Yorkieaddict Sat 28-Sep-13 11:08:45

Sorry OP, but YABVVU!

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 11:09:11

Whaaaaaat? I missed that! She was testing his love for his daughter?

It gets worse! I hunk I agree with you whattodo wink

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 11:09:29

Here we go.
Was I being unreasonable?
Well, yes, you were a bit.
I don't think I was. How was I?
Well, this, this and this is a bit unreasonable.
It wasn't really unreasonable.
I think it was.
No it wasn't.
Carry on to 1000 threads.

Honestly, OP, you'd be better off catching up on some sleep.

Longtallsally Sat 28-Sep-13 11:09:39

Oh for goodness sake, what a lot of strong reactions about something which has got blown out of all proportion! I can understand exactly why you feel bruised this morning, but can also see why he was miffed last night. This is what parenthood is like in the early days. You are both knackered. You both tried to do things that were for the benefit of your family. It went wrong because

a) he does not realise (and probably never will realise) how precious it can be to have 20 minutes to get a job done properly with him looking after dd1

b) you did not realise how much it meant to him to have you all together for an evening (and possibly on holiday too) to relax, have fun, giggle - some of the things that get lost when you are both tired/too busy to even breathe sometimes.

Once he disappears off to work, he has no idea how hard you work all day. You probably have no idea how left out he can feel, missing out on all the small things that happen in a family during the day. It's haaaard being a sleep deprived couple with small children. Say sorry if it will help. Hug. If you can, when you next organise a trip out, remember that he has certain expectations in mind, but may not have told you, so ask him first what he thinks you will all do/not do. If you want to get something done sometime, try and ask him/explain in advance why it would be nice to have him there.

Best of luck

PeachesandStrawberry Sat 28-Sep-13 11:11:00

Talk about sheep.


I don't blame you.

Viviennemary Sat 28-Sep-13 11:12:15

Your DH hates shopping so 20 minutes will seem like forever to him. If we go to the shops I more or less have to specify to DH which shops and if I add a shop he complains. But I need him to carry the stuff. grin

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:12:20

This bit ohforduckssake

"I thought he might even actually enjoy it because he's never been clothes shopping for dd2 , and if I had been him I would have loved to have the chance to do that for once, but obviously he didn't feel that way"

I read that as he failed a test of love for dd2 by not wanting to change the clothes.

wickeddevil Sat 28-Sep-13 11:15:59

How how how can you spend 20 minutes choosing children's clothes?

Your DH tantrum was unreasonable

Your behaviour incomprehensible.

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 11:16:54

You dont blame the OP for what peaches? Lying to her husband? Expecting him to drive her to town after work on a friday so she can go clothes shopping? For 'testing his love for his daughter'? For 'not giving a fuck' about being unreasonable?

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 11:17:01

He probably has never done the children's clothes shopping because he doesn't like doing it.

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 11:17:47

Oh, for heaven's sake - lying!!! That is a bit much. Hidden agenda yes but lying is a bit strong.

Online is the way to go, my friend.

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:18:43

Ow did you buy the clothes in the first place? Since you're returning them and dd is 10 months I'm assuming they weren't a gift and you bought them. So how did you do that?

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 11:19:30


She admitted the meal thing was BS so she could swap the clothes.

The OP was also a blatant lie which she admitted.

ahandfulofnames Sat 28-Sep-13 11:19:57


I would have done the same as you. I wouldn't apologize, after all he didn't buy you an ice cream, and he sulked.

Blatant lie gringringringrin

NewNameforNewTerm Sat 28-Sep-13 11:20:54

Why is it sheep Peaches? Can't people have the same opinions without being sheep?

yes,people whose opinions differ from yours can only be 'sheep' or 'bandwagon jumpers'

that's a great rhetorical trick to turn it round so only you can be right

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 11:23:54

Blatant lie - "DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there."

He did no such thing, she asked him to take her out to a chinese. By which she meant "DH drive me to town because Im too much of a wuss to drive myself so I can go clothes shopping. I do not give a fuck if you are knackered and its friday night."

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:24:30

I'm not a sheep.

I hate clothes shopping. I'm a go into shop. Find something that fits. Buy it. Go out again person

Especially if I have a child with me.

Even if I'm shopping for the child. And especially when they're 10 months and don't care what they're dressed in.

You wanted to go to THAT restaurant to facilitate changing the clothes. It was put to your DP as a quick in and out job. Which it wasn't. You were disingenuous.

And if you wanted an ice cream why didn't you buy your own? He didn't buy himself one and eat it front of you - maybe he'd bribed dd with one as a reward?

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 11:25:09

Eh? So he wanted to stay home? Or go somewhere local? Missed this.

allmycats Sat 28-Sep-13 11:25:22

You are both being unreasonable
You for the extended shopping
Him for his reaction
Both of you need a kick up the arse and then you can just get on with your day(s).

WeAllHaveWings Sat 28-Sep-13 11:25:26

Sorry YABU, I don't enjoy shopping and avoid going shopping with anyone who loves to browse (dh is much worse than me and thinks even I take too long!)

I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done would have driven me insane after 20 minutes too!

HotCrossPun Sat 28-Sep-13 11:25:53

Ducks I can't see where the OP said that she was 'testing his love for his children' was that not just another posters interpretation?

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 11:27:39

She called him and asked him if he wanted to go for a chinese.

In the OP she said HE called her and said he was taking her out for a chinese.

What she REALLY meant (which she admitted!) was that she wanted him to drive her to town because she didnt want to drive herself there , so she could go clothes shopping.

This pissed him off once he realised. Understandably.

Hunfriend Sat 28-Sep-13 11:28:15

20 minutes and he goes off on one hmm

My DH would have taken the DD to buy a book or a comic and then got an icecream.

The issue is you are not communicating well - you "DH I want to have browse for baby clothes"
Him " Im really tired, Ill take DD to buy a book but I would like to go after that"
You aren't communicating your expectations clearly ,either of you.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 11:28:28

Ohforducksake - I don't know what point you're trying to make by calling me a liar and saying my op is bullshit etc. and I don't understand why you are so vehemently pointing out all my errors, as though you're some kind of self appointed relationship police. Get over yourself. Yes I went to that particular place at that particular time because I could do another job at the same time that I can't otherwise do.
So what?
It doesn't mean it's not one of our favourite restaurants and I knew we all love eating there.
Actually, I've decided I'm not apologising. He got into a strop for no reason at all and then sulked and cut the plans short (whatever they were)and came home. Over something so insignificant.

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 11:28:28

hotcross No I agree there, I take that back that was someone else reading something that wasnt there.

I thought they had actually read it and Id missed a post.

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:28:34

T might be my interpretation. But I read it as the op equates love for children with buying them clothes. And her DH hasn't gone clothes shopping for dd and she was putting her expectation on him that he should enjoy it.

Shock horror. Some people don't equate love for kids with shopping for clothes for them.

My dd was mostly dressed in tesco stuff at that age because I could pick bits up with the groceries. Clearly I don't love her. hmm

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 11:28:44

Testing his love was a poster's interpretation of a statement by the OP that she thought he would enjoy buying clothes for the daughter because he had never done it before. Weird thing to say. Weird interpretation.

I want to know about holidays. I wonder if OP is one of those people who disappear into bazaars and spend hours haggling over sarongs.

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:29:45

You could go back any day. Woman up and drive there. You have a car. Go there, do what you need to go and get out. You don't need a man to hold your hand.

The more you go on about being tired, the more unreasonable you are getting. Why would exhausted people who have had a nice meal and when winding down on a Friday evening start doing chores? It was never going to end well was it? I just don't get it. You seem to be martyring yourself - your DH takes you out for a meal and despite being tired you want to hijack some down time to fit in another job. It is like you are say 'look at me, still doing chores on a Friday night, even though it is was a hard week. I am never off duty and I'm never going to let you forget it, feel my pain'. Only of course you could have just gone for a meal and relaxed. You didn't need to make into a big deal. It wasn't necessary.

I am wondering how you bought these clothes in the first place when you have never driven to this shopping centre alone. I just hope you haven't already dragged your poor DH round the shop before when you made you initial purchase. If you took that long last time as well I bet he didn't want to do it again.

And, TBH, I am getting suspicious sbout the 20 minutes. I bet it was longer. We all tend to lose track of time when we are doing our own thing. I bet you poor DH felt every minute of it.

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 11:30:06

"Actually Ive decided Im not apologising."

Fucking hell Im surprised I just fell off my chair. hmm

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:31:02

Your dd1 is at school. You said your DH takes her every morning. Why can't you get up, get ready and go while she's at school then you'll just have dd2 who is in the pushchair?

OHforDUCKScake Sat 28-Sep-13 11:31:09

Exactly whattodo.

I think you need yourself a SatNav.

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:31:39

Bigboobied - I asked that too. The op hasn't replied.

HaroldLloyd Sat 28-Sep-13 11:31:40

Not wanting to spend 20 minutes clothes shopping when you think your going out for a meal isn't bowing out of family life.

This isn't a biggy really is it, both of you I think contributed to the argument.

Just sort it out and have a nice day.

Shnickshnack Sat 28-Sep-13 11:33:29

Yabu. I think it was you who spoilt the evening. Your dh had a long and probably stressfull week at work (and you at home). Going shopping with a four yr old on a Friday evening after a lovely and relaxing meal with the family would be the last thing anybody would want.

Speak to him and make up.

HaroldLloyd Sat 28-Sep-13 11:34:00

It isn't easy taking kids shopping. That's why I do the majority on line - or get DP to have the kids one morning on the weekend and I can go on my own.

YouTheCat Sat 28-Sep-13 11:34:17

Maybe your dh had some plans for after the food? Maybe he was going to whisk you all home, help get the kids to bed and have a nice relaxing evening with you?

And you spoiled it with shopping. Yes, you were having a browse - lovely. But not everyone sees 20 minutes in a shop as relaxing and he was looking after the kids who were probably bored after 5 minutes.

Bowlersarm Sat 28-Sep-13 11:34:33


You killed two birds with one stone - where's the problem? Good use of time I'd say.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sat 28-Sep-13 11:44:25

I want to see MNHQ's reason for deleting this thread. I'm putting money on 'Well, it turned into a bit of a bunfight didn't it'


You were unreasonable. No sane person wants to go shopping after dinner on a Friday night and if you had an exchange you had to make, you should have done it efficiently or with a discussion about you wanting to take your time and have a look around the shop while you were there. I'd be pissed off if someone said 'I want to exchange this while we are there' then faffing for 20 minutes. If you are going to be that long, fine, but tell him and he can decide what he wants to do - browse with you, take DD1 for an ice cream or to the toy shop etc.

Go & see your GP. It's not actually normal to be that tired with only a 4yo & a baby and see what you can do about DD1 waking in the night.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 11:44:39

I went with a friend who drove there the last time.

And guess what.

One of the replacements I bought yesterday is a bit of a tight fit on dd ........gringringrin

apachepony Sat 28-Sep-13 11:45:54

I have changed my opinion to yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvu. Maybe cos I am married to a faffer and this thread is making the steam come out of my ears! You clearly have a lot of form for this type of behaviour and I'm guessing your dh has just had to put up with it til now, given your reaction to this. So he has a minor strop, is over it by the next morning and you're still brooding over something where you were in the wrong! My dh also gets all offended if you take issue with him over his faffing or being late, drives me mad. You were meant to be having fun together not going shopping - or that's what your poor husband thought.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 11:47:38

Chipping - I've been to the gp last week. Gp has taken bloods to check for imbalanced hormones.

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:47:44

Why can't you drive? What's the point of having a car at your disposal if it can't take you where you want to go at a time that suits you?

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:50:31

You are starting to irritate me now.

Why are you unable to woman up and deal with stuff? Get in the car when dd1 is at school, do exchange, come home. Roads will be quieter as not rush hour.

Did you drive last night with your DP beside you to get used to the drive? Get a sat ac for your phone? Use google maps?

Laquitar Sat 28-Sep-13 11:52:12

Omg this is one of those threads when i feel i am from another planet. I read the op and i thought that most posters will be on her side. I m very surprised at the replies.

I cant stand military plans with no flexibility, a fun day is....having fun. Spontaneous fun. U have deadlines at work. U dont need them on the fun day too.

He could a) participate in the shopping, b) wait outside c) go to buy ice cream, chat to the kids outside, people watching, etc. Big deal!

Op 20 minutes is nothing (grin)

Oh and the clue is on the word 'dominating'. He needs to chill out a bit

LittlePeaPod Sat 28-Sep-13 11:54:11

apachepony I am with you, ditheries and faffers drive me up the wall. I have a close friend that I refuse to go shopping with. Last time we went shopping I walked out and left her in the shop.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 11:54:18

Whatdoido, I'm starting to irritate you? Really? Well, you fucked me off a long time ago, so I guess we're equal now wink

ilikemysleep Sat 28-Sep-13 11:55:05

Buy and read 'the 5 love languages'. Its schmaltzy and American but this is a classic case.

From the sound of it, your love language is around 'things'. Spending time making sure your family is nicely dressed, there are nice things in your home etc is the way you show your family your love for them. THerefore spending 20 mins (or however long) in a shop to ensure your DD's clothes are right is an act of love for you. You seem to wish that DH felt the same, because if he really loved your DD he would see that its important that her clothes are nice and have been picked out specially.

Your DH seems to have 'quality time' as his love language. He doesn't give two hoots if DD2 has clothes that look a bit grubby and spending time in a shop picking things out isn't an act of love, its an act of selfishness and indecisiveness that drives him insane. But for him spending time with no other agenda is really important - hence he spends time taking DD1 to school, bathing the kids etc because time is important to him. And while you thought you were showing your love for your family in shopping for them, he thought you were ruining his agenda free quality time.

Your two ways of showing your love for your family clashed in this incident, which is why neither of you can see that you were both a bit right and both a bit wrong.

I would suggest that you accept that he is a 'quality time' person and you are a 'gifts/ things' person, which are both good ways to be, but different ways to be, and you need to respect each others' way of being. He will not ever like shopping, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love the kids. Just understand that, and that what he wants from you is agenda free time, and vice versa.

Hunfriend Sat 28-Sep-13 11:55:15

I agree Laquitar
20 minutes - big deal!

If he was tired - say so, instead of stropping.

YouTheCat Sat 28-Sep-13 11:55:16

20 minutes is plenty if you're the one left entertaining the kids in a shop.

Had it been 5 minutes - in shop, get next size up, exchange - that would be fair enough. I doubt the dh had thought his dw would take so long or he could have taken the kids to get ice cream or something.

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:55:42


Why can't you drive to the shopping mall?

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 11:56:55

To answer your charming question of 'why can't you woman up and deal with stuff', I deal with a lot of 'stuff'. Not being able to drive to one place yet due to being a new driver is not any way an indication of failed womanhood.

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 11:58:08

You can't buy clothes for your child without either a friend or DH to drive you.

What on earth way is that to be? Why can't you go on your own?

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 12:00:50

Jesus. Yes, I can't from that one particular shop/place. YET. Doesn't mean I can't and don't shop elsewhere. It's not a way of being!

Lord almighty, where do these weirdos come from.

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 12:01:56

I am not a weirdo.

I think he's very unreasonable not to buy you an ice cream, and to sulk about such a small thing is silly. I'm on your side grin

FutTheShuckUp Sat 28-Sep-13 12:02:11

I don't understand why you lied in your OP. doesn't paint you in a good light does it? YABU.

Shnickshnack Sat 28-Sep-13 12:02:18

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

YouTheCat Sat 28-Sep-13 12:02:26

Weirdos? hmm

LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 12:02:38

What is really sad - i that the children are going to have a shittty weekend because there is an atmosphere between the two ADULTs that are their parents.

OP - you really REALLY need to grow up, there are more important things going on in the world.

Go and make it up with your DH, you don't have to apologise, you just say - lets move on, what will we do today with the kids? preferably no where near a shopping mall, are you in america??

LittlePeaPod Sat 28-Sep-13 12:03:09

Op when did you pass your test? Have you driven anywhere on your own? I still don't get why you can't drive there?

PeriodFeatures Sat 28-Sep-13 12:03:17

YABU. There are things that I would not expect my DH to endure at certain times. I.e on a friday evening when we are supposed to be winding down.

I cant bare shopping. It is a chore. chores are not for friday nights after dinner.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 12:04:14

I'm supposed to be sleeping before I get in my car at 12:15 and - oh yes! - DRIVE to pick dd1 up from language school, and DRIVE home again.

Then I'm going to later get in my car again (that I will drive again) and go to my friends house later.

Didn't manage to sleep though!

YouTheCat Sat 28-Sep-13 12:04:30

LEM, there isn't an atmosphere between the two adults as the OP has said her dh got up all bright and breezy and was fine when he went off to work.

So if there is an atmosphere it has been created by one person.

FutTheShuckUp Sat 28-Sep-13 12:04:41

You're a new driver so I take it you've passed your test? Been deemed competent to drive on public highways? So what's with I can't go to this certain place as im a new driver? Is it on a toll road that only people who've been driving a certain length of time can use?

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 28-Sep-13 12:04:48

Why ask if YABU if you are convinced that you are not?

JohFlow Sat 28-Sep-13 12:05:36

Sounds like you were out of synch with each other on that day. Communication is everything if you want to get the most out of your time together. What a fantastic thing that you have a partner that actively encourages family time. He sounds that he was looking forward to spending quality time with you all and relaxing a bit. You obviously did not want to waste the opportunity to exchange clothes whilst you were in the building. Maybe this could have been facilitated differently so that he was not waiting for so long ; and also got time to do something individually too. Sounds like he generally does not enjoy shopping - that's o.k. (a lot of people don't, or ever will). You don't have to enjoy the same things to have a successful relationship. My partner and I are very different. We give each other time to enjoy individual pursuits around family time.

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 12:05:48

So drive to the mall during the day. What's the problem? Why drag DH who doesn't like your style of shopping and a 4 year old?

Did you drive last night with DH beside you? That would have been the ideal time to have a trial run, since you like the shopping centre so much.

my mum and my ex are like you.

oh i just have to do this. then that. then fucking buy some some ear buds. then bloody well have to buy dog food. arrrrrghghgh

cluttering up a nice event with CRAP.

this is what you need to do:

1. think family time with you all together is just that, and if you want to lump a chore on agree it long beforehand and agree the time limit.

2. the sunday morning activity HAS TO BE MOVED. you have to alternate getting a lie in.

getting no lie ins ever makes life NOT WORTH LIVING.

3. life with babies is SHIT. you have to streamline, accept that clothes might not be exactly as you would like. who the hell exchanges baby clothes??? who gives a shit? why is she not wearing her sister's clothes anyway. why aren't you dressing her in sack cloths?

ugh seriously you are making your life too difficult.

but i still like you grin

PeriodFeatures Sat 28-Sep-13 12:06:34

Why ask if YABU if you are convinced that you are not?

AgentZigzag Sat 28-Sep-13 12:08:29

'He's just gone to work with his cheery jolly goodbyes'

'Actually Ive decided Im not apologising'

So he's not sulking any more but you're taking up the vacancy? grin

How can you square that?

Is it that he hasn't deferred to you out loud? That you need him to back down, and be seen to be backing down?

Stravy Sat 28-Sep-13 12:10:30

DP does this. It drives me up the wall. If you are going to be 20 minutes trying on stupidly overpriced t-shirts in All Saints and looking at stupid phones you aren't even going to buy then tell me and I'll go to Costa or Waterstones or both. Don't tell me you'll 'only be a sec'

LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 12:11:25

I don't drive, and need my DP to take me everywhere - i need to sort that out because its very restricive. So i get where you are coming from re driving to the "shopping mall" but i manage quite well without ever visiting those places - because they are hell on earth!!!

You see it over and over, the women "just having a look over there -- for the umpteeth time--" and the poor man looking like has lost the will to live!

I have had a long and happy relationship with DP - i attribute this to the fact that we both hate shopping

Wuxiapian Sat 28-Sep-13 12:13:20

Most men dislike shopping. 20 mins is a long time to o an exchange.

Why couldn't you have done the exchange another time and not on a family evening out?


LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 12:14:08

Youthecat you have pulled me up on a technicality there! grin The atmosphere, although only being now caused by one person, will still exist between both parties! Although technically it wont because he has gone escaped to work.

Hunfriend Sat 28-Sep-13 12:14:19

Why on earth would you make a trip to the shopping centre to exchange the clothes if you knew you were going there later confused
2 lots of parking fees ,petrol - doesn't make sense.

All so that her DH doesn't have to wait for 20 minuteshmm . Btw "Family fun time" is one of those phrases that sets my teeth on edge - sounds very pressured to me.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 12:15:47

Sack cloths grin

She's not in her sisters clothes because I gave them all away blush

Oh well, at least someone likes me grin

I've texted to say sorry, and thanks for always putting up with my dithering/faffing/forgetfulness.

I'm an established and confident driver but I avoid shopping centres like the plague. Multistorey car parks scare the shit out of me.

So my children don't have clothes from shopping centre shops. Fortunately we have easy park & ride into a big city, and good supermarket options to chuck into the trolley.

I'm sure your text will be appreciated. Did you mean it?

YouTheCat Sat 28-Sep-13 12:21:15

LEM grin

Bowlersarm Sat 28-Sep-13 12:21:31

I really think you are getting an unwarranted hard time here OP.

I'm rooting for you,.

Good on you for texting him to apologise.

LaQueenForADay Sat 28-Sep-13 12:22:00

'Fraid this would highly annoy DH, too.

He hates shopping and avoids it like the plague. I know this. And he knows I know this.

So, if he'd been looking forward to a relaxing family dinner, and then I suddenly sprang it on him that he had to wait around in a shop for twenty minutes afterwards...yep, he'd be annoyed - and he'd be thinking 'Why is LaQueen subjecting me to this? I arranged a really nice dinner for us, and she's paying me back by making me do something she knows I hate!'

There would be a bit of sulking, probably.

Shnickshnack Sat 28-Sep-13 12:24:57

I think it's not your h who is childish but you! It's childish to complain to a bunch of strangers online that you didn't get an ice cream. Oh boohoo.

Based on everything you said upthread you sound really really spoilt. I am not saying this as a personal attack on you but in the hope that you might consider reflecting a bit on what people are saying to you on this thread and be a bit more open to the POSSIBILITY that yabu.

It doesn't really matter to us but if you want to ensure your (and your kids') weekend is spoilt then just continue with your "but I know I'm right [stamp foot emoticon] attitude.

Laquitar Sat 28-Sep-13 12:27:00

If u want 'quality'family time (and i agree with hun i dont like the phrase either, it sounds enforced) and you dont like shops then why you go to the shopping mall?

It is like going to the seaside but you MUST eat steak, no fish and chips (grin). Shopping mall means....erm shops.

TBF though, although I think you're wrong 328 posts telling you that is quite funny. It's a fairly small deal unless you're super annoying to live with like I am

And I really fancy a Chinese tonight!

LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 12:27:40

"I've texted to say sorry, and thanks for always putting up with my dithering/faffing/forgetfulness."

Hooray - you can now put last nights kerfuffle down to shopping centre induced madness and move on.

Seriously, this is why God invented online shopping

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 12:27:44

No I didn't mean it, I said it to get the moral high ground - is that what you want to hear, horry? hmm

Good for you for apologising, OP.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 12:30:11

There is only one thing worse than shopping centre induced madness TeaJunky and that is AIBU induced defensiveness - step away from the thread now and enjoy the weekend x

NotYoMomma Sat 28-Sep-13 12:31:41

I get to go shopping for clothes with DH 1 day a year lol - boxing day.

he will get dd clothes on his own or when we are at the supermarket etc

but 20 mins in a shop while the other person browsed?

no way. especially not on a 'family evening'

Whatdoido5 Sat 28-Sep-13 12:33:23

What did your DH actually say when he rang last night? Because he obviously did ring "to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant".

Shnickshnack Sat 28-Sep-13 12:34:49

hallelujah thank goodness. Now we can all continue with our weekend grin

ThisIsBULLSHIT Sat 28-Sep-13 12:35:09

Not sure who is BU, probably your DH but you have just given me a fantastic new phrase fuckload of huffery I can't wait to use it!

Is DH talking to you yet?!

I know it is not the issue really, but unless you only passed your test within the last couple of weeks, in which case you are allowed a bit of getting used to it time, you really should just get in the car and go. Stop faffing about how you haven't been there before on your own and get on with it. You'll only wind yourself up if you keep putting it off. I am guessing you have been driving a while though, given that you already have a car so really any lack of experience is down to you.

Feel the fear, ( or realistically mildly apprehensive) and do it anyway. smile. Being able to drive is supposed to give you freedom - use it.

Well done for apologising too. I am sure your husband will appreciate it after your behaviour. If he doesn't accept then he will be unreasonable but that will be a whole other thread.

Tabliope Sat 28-Sep-13 12:42:22

YABU. You say he works long hours (as do you) so presumably he got off work early last night, to get home early enough for you all to go out to dinner. I'm guessing you might have been at the Chinese restaurant by 6pm. You spend 1.5 hours there so by this time it's 7.30pm and you've got half an hour to do your clothing exchange - assuming the shops shut at 8pm. The shopping centre sounds a fair drive from where you are - maybe half an hour - as you're unsure of the directions being a new'ish driver, so a fair bit of time to get home with two little kids who are already well past their bedtimes. If my timings are wrong and it's later than this then he really isn't being unreasonable for not being fed up. He was patient and then you pushed it by going over for a "last" look over the other side (someone mentioned that "last" look earlier). He's outside keeping the kids entertained, although you say one is asleep. He probably just wanted to get home, get the kids to bed and relax before the whole evening is gone. You say he should be interested in the kids' clothing but I bet those kids have a range of outfits chosen by you as you seem to like shopping so not like they were going to go cold or anything. He didn't buy you an ice cream? You were inside shopping. If he'd bought one it would have melted and by this time it sounds like he just wanted to get home so didn't want to hang around more time waiting for you to pick you flavour.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sat 28-Sep-13 12:44:41

This is why I do my shopping through Amazon. If they havent got it then I probably dont really want it.

ExcuseTypos Sat 28-Sep-13 12:50:43

Good for you for apologising.

It took me about 10 years into our 25 year marriage, to realise that it's much better, after a row over something pretty trivial, to just apologise to each other for the misunderstanding --usually his fault--wink and then get on with things.

It saves a lot of time and energy.

Threalamandaclarke Sat 28-Sep-13 12:52:44

Bravo to you for saying "sorry" op.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend. And make sure your DP buys you some ice cream.

God op you sound a teeny tiny bit of an immature twat.

Mumsnut Sat 28-Sep-13 13:07:59

My solution: next time, wait until Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning, and set off there with a friend for a leisurely shop as soon as he comes in / wakes up.

He doesn't like shopping; you don't like shopping with a toddler and a baby (who does?); but the shopping needs doing. So do it in style.

(I was a very timid new driver too, but it made all the difference to have someone else in the car).

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sat 28-Sep-13 13:09:51

this thread is hilarious! op I totally get what you are saying, 20 mins is nothing. DH despairs of me if ever he actually enters in a shop with me as I usually say... 'oh, I am just going to have a quick look at the clothes' he eye rolls and smiles then stands around aimlessly until I have finished, he doesn't throw a tantrum or sulk he knows I like to have a nosey round all I can think of in your DH's defence is that he had secret plans that you made it too late to do but he should have said (what were the plans? did you find out) there are places I don't fancy driving too even though I drive so get this too. so unless you are dragging him doing stuff he really hates all the time (what happened on holiday?) then YANBU and some people on this thread have gone way over the top with character assassinations and judgements and the oh poor man mentality.

kali110 Sat 28-Sep-13 13:14:38

Im no maiden and i love to shop but still think yabu.
It doesnt actually sound like the husband could go elsewhere though as op wanted his opinions on the clothes. It really wasnt a case of quickly exchanging, and by his response it seems like this episode wasnt a one off which was prob why h lost it.
If it was reversed and it was the husband id call him unreasonable aswel.
This morning hes decided not to let the arguement carry on but op hadnt.
Then because most people havent taken her side shes nasty about it.
You dont ask for others opinions especially aibu if you dont want others opinions or if you think you are nbu.

dexter73 Sat 28-Sep-13 13:18:20

I still want to know what happened when you were on holiday!! Did you spend all week browsing baby clothes?

HaroldLloyd Sat 28-Sep-13 13:20:07

Hope you have a good day now tea junky.

This thread is really making me want to have a mooch around the shops - without DP making physcopath eyes at me so alone.

I learned to drive at 28 and I also had to get my confidence up in stages I found multi storey car parks a little daunting. I once got my car wedged onto a pillar and had to wait for a friend to come and shift it. Bad times!

charitygirl Sat 28-Sep-13 13:21:56

All the people saying YABU must have miserable lives not to be able to have fun with their partner for 20mins choosing clothes for their kids after a meal out. What miseries. And no, I don't particularly love malls and shopping.


Donkeyok Sat 28-Sep-13 13:23:08

As you make the bigger move by apologising I hope he brings you flowers
or Ben and Jerrys or sweet words to make up for yesterday's meanness. As he went out happy this morning he's decided to put it behind him. Best not to dwell on such small insignificant things
Lack of sleep does that to all of us.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
At least you are now clear that you will avoid sharing shopping with him.
He isn't ever going to see it as a pleasant pastime.
Save it for your girls friends who like it. I hope you have
great make up sex smile or ice cream.
Or ice cream I know which one Id rather have blush

Back2Two Sat 28-Sep-13 13:37:04

You manipulated a situation to get what you wanted even though you were going to upset your dh. It sounds selfish and on top of that you expected him to be all cheerful about it. Then you're angry that you got a result that you could, in fairness, have predicted if you were considerate of your dhs feelings.

The crunch is you've done it before. If not, he might have acted more reasonably but your inconsiderate behaviour and insistence on doing things like this mean that he reacted childishly. I think you need to apologise.

I had a blazing row with my dh last night. The crux of it was an ongoing niggle between us at the mo. We were both right and both wrong! I am so stubborn, I find it almost impossible to accept that I am wrong. But, I was really honest with myself and I did apologise. That's because I know it's more important to look after my relationship than to be right.

stevieb15 Sat 28-Sep-13 13:38:08

I empathise with you both, but 20 minutes is a lifetime if you thought you'd be doing something better, and seriously couldn't you do it next week when he's working?

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 13:38:40

He rang and said bemusedly 'that's very unlike you. I'm actually quite shocked'. ��

I said yes but I forgot the add the condition. Ice cream. Upgraded to fancy ice cream now.

'Done', he said. grin ...and he wants to take us all out again but he wants dd1 to choose where (beach she said, immediately)'s times like these that remind me why he's my better half and that I can be damn hard to live with but he makes it look easy most of the time gringrin

Back2Two Sat 28-Sep-13 13:39:06

All the people saying YABU must have miserable lives not to be able to have fun with their partner for 20mins choosing clothes for their kids after a meal out. What miseries.

Ha ha ha. What a bizarre conclusion. You can do plenty of other fun things in 20minutes of life. wink

YouTheCat Sat 28-Sep-13 13:39:54

Glad you're having a happy outcome.

Now don't go and spoil it by dragging the poor sod shopping after the ice cream. grin

SayCoolNowSayWhip Sat 28-Sep-13 13:40:10

Going to buck the trend here, but I don't think you WBU at all. I would have done the same. It's practical.

I showed DH your OP and asked who was being unreasonable and he straightaway said that your DH was. So there's a man's POV. His reasons - it saves on petrol, it saves having to go back another day, no harm done. But my DH WOULD definitely have loved to pick out baby clothes grin

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sat 28-Sep-13 13:41:19


Always nice to hear a happy outcome smile

Back2Two Sat 28-Sep-13 13:41:47

Oh, you did apologise already!
Good on you!

Donkeyok Sat 28-Sep-13 13:43:37

Oh I am so smile now. Ahhh

SayCoolNowSayWhip Sat 28-Sep-13 13:45:20

Oh sorry, didn't read your last post.

Glad you're all made up now.

But YANBU grin

Donkeyok Sat 28-Sep-13 13:46:19

God I want ice cream now.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 28-Sep-13 13:47:45

Good for sorting it out OP I think you need to get off MN now and get some sleep.

ps. if you are a continually dithery/faffy person, this will be what has annoyed him, not the isolated incident, but all of them added together.

I had a dithery/faffy friend....had.

Hope you can get some rest smile

Donkeyok Sat 28-Sep-13 14:20:14

Puds this is so wise. We do forgive but the moment it all goes wrong again
all those annoying incidents join together into one massive one.

Use this insight to redress balance of activities.

Ahhhhh. I love a happy ending. grin

Enjoy your ice cream.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 14:25:38

Awwww what flavour ice cream?

neunundneunzigluftballons Sat 28-Sep-13 14:30:46

Don't forget the make up sex no point rowing without it.

No I didn't mean it, I said it to get the moral high ground - is that what you want to hear, horry?

It's possible to apologise to clear the air, or clean the slate - in fact, it's a fairly grown-up thing to do.

Your posts to that point didn't show any indication that you actually thought you were wrong, so I thought it looked like a major change of heart and wanted to see what had changed your mind.

Glad you're seeing eye to eye now.

Foosyerdoos Sat 28-Sep-13 14:47:29

I got my car stuck once Harold, I had to get one of the car wash men to unstick it.


TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 15:22:49

Horry - true. Nah, I was just being deliberately, knowingly arsey.

I knew I was a little bit in the wrong all along wink

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 15:24:11

Someone posted about the languages of love earlier and I wanted to thank them.

It made sense.

So thank you grinthanks

kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 15:28:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

i like the cut of your jib, teajunky.

complexnumber Sat 28-Sep-13 15:34:16

All's well that ends well.

Glad that you are both happy again

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 15:34:28

Claudedbussy - why thank you, you're not s'bad yaself grinthanks

Yes iliketosleep .. Thank you for that idea. It certainly is interesting.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 15:35:50

LEM - I may just skip the Ice cream and go straight for the make up sex.

He wishes grin

Love languages is fascinating. A quick read last year or the last year really helped me get into DH's head (he's a physical contact person and really can't cope with not having lots of hugs; whereas I'm an acts of service person and think making his packed lunch is a reasonable substitute for sex grin).

humphryscorner Sat 28-Sep-13 15:41:30

(he's a physical contact person and really can't cope with not having lots of hugs; whereas I'm an acts of service person and think making his packed lunch is a reasonable substitute for sex )

Lmao this is me! I need to read this book!

TeaJunky - I haven't read all of the thread - sorry - but it seems to me that this is a classic case of young-children-exhaustedness, coupled with a bit of miscommunication and misunderstanding on both parts, leading to both parties becoming a bit disproportionately cross.

And I remember feeling that way so well - when I had three small children at home, and dh was working long, long hours, and we were both having broken nights and early mornings.

Not for nothing is sleep deprivation a form of torture, recognised under the Geneva Convention!!

I think you need to accept that he was irked when his plans for a family evening out were hijacked with a chore (that only took 20 minutes - but that 20 minutes can be quite a long time for someone who doesn't enjoy shopping), and that maybe it was a bit unreasonable to spend 20 minutes browsing - but I also think that HE needs to accept that he was also unreasonable - he could have said he'd rather not attach the chore to the family evening, or he could have suggested he had an icecream with the children whilst you returned the clothes - and he could have told you, calmly, that he was reaching the end of his rope in the shop. Getting stroppy, sulking and the PA icecream thing was very unreasonable.

But I also think you both need to accept that you are both tired, and sleep deprived, and that that means that fairly small irritations can and will wind you up disproportionately - and maybe if you both know that that is how you are each feeling, you can see the overreactions for what they are - the product of exhaustion and the slog of work and early years child rearing - and that might make it easier to cope with.

I will just say that it does get better as the children get older. They will start sleeping through the night, and will be less intense and physically tiring to look after during the day, and the tiredness does abate.

So maybe you need to say to him, 'Darling, I think we both overreacted a bit last night - I am sorry if you felt I hijacked your evening with the chore that needed doing, and that I took 20 minutes in the shop - but I was hurt by your reaction, and you not buying me an icecream. Perhaps we can both apologise to eachother, have a hug, and move on?'

LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 15:50:01

Who said anything about make up sex??? Will it be conciliatory and tender or ripping at panties against the wall fucking? <starting to feel envious of teajunky>

LEMisdisappointed Sat 28-Sep-13 15:50:08

Who said anything about make up sex??? Will it be conciliatory and tender or ripping at panties against the wall fucking? <starting to feel envious of teajunky>

kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 15:51:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaQueenForADay Sat 28-Sep-13 16:50:06

It's a wise lesson to learn, if your DH hates shopping then just don't ever shop with him.

I have been with DH for 22 years, and I have probably only physically shopped with him less than a dozen times. Because he hates it. And, it invariably ends in a huge row.

With internet shopping, and my own car and plenty of friends who actually enjoy a bit of shopping, there's really absolutely no need for me to ever shop with DH. And I don't.

Will never understand these women who insist their partner shops with them, when they know he hates it. Why? Why? Why make him suffer? And why punish yourself by dragging around someone who is clearly hating every moment? I don't get it, and I never will.

One of my SIL's is always dragging my BIL round the shops, asking his opinions on this, that and the other. The poor chap hates it, but he is forced to go. Forced to participate in this stupid, empty charade of togetherness.

Laquitar Sat 28-Sep-13 16:52:32

I wonder what some posters here mean by 'fun'.

Now 'tea', if you are going to have make up sex make sure you dont spoil the fun again. Agree beforehand on timetables,draw a plan, sign it, condidare his feelings, stick to pre agreed activities and dont you dare do anything spontaneous ok?

No ice cream in bed!

ShakeAndVac Sat 28-Sep-13 16:55:47

Yep, you're being unreasonable, sorry. Okay, he threw the toys out of the pram and over-reacted a bit, but to be honest, I don't blame him.
I HATE clothes shopping. It's so BORING. If we were doing a family day out and my DH had left me bored witless with the two kids in tow, (who would in all likelihood be bored witless too and playing up, I'd be pissed off too!
Twenty minutes is a long time to fanny about in a shop, you were hardly just exchanging something.
It's you who changed the tone of the evening.

ExcuseTypos Sat 28-Sep-13 16:59:30

Good idea about the sex timetable Laquitar.

And remember he won't want to take 20 minutes over it. A quick in and out should suffice grin

AgentZigzag Sat 28-Sep-13 17:07:20

grin Typos.

One time when faffing is actively encouraged.

ilikemysleep Sat 28-Sep-13 17:28:08

Glad the Love Languages stuff was useful. It was immensely helpful to me. Unfortunately my DH's love language is acts of service...if I wash his hair for him he feels all nurtured. I just get heebie jeebies about having his dandruff up under my fingernails grin! Still, I have learned that on the days I am at home having a quick tidy round and sorting the washing before my DH gets home makes him substantially less grumpy, and takes me about 20 mins (20 mins! Again!) - whereas I am a 'quality time' girl who was busy playing with the kids in a house like a we were quite mismatched...the love languages book helped a lot.

chateauferret Sat 28-Sep-13 17:31:48

YANBU at all.

If he didn't want to go to the shops he could have said so graciously or else gone and looked at computers or toy cars or whatever interested him. He's your DH so presumably knows what's likely to happen when you go into a shop. He agreed to it on that basis then threw a twatty strop and behaved like a four-year-old.

I would expect to have the riot act read to me forwards, backwards and forwards again if I did that.

AmIthatHot Sat 28-Sep-13 17:38:41

I'm glad it all worked out in the end


Charitygirl Miseries? Miserable lives because clothes shopping for a baby is not the epitome of fun! Really. GTF hmm

Mojavewonderer Sat 28-Sep-13 19:46:30

I think you were both being a bit unreasonable. You for taking too long and him for getting in a strop. You are both tired and perhaps ending the evening in a shop browsing wasn't the best idea.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 28-Sep-13 20:38:15

YANBU. If only because I HATE the whole concept of "family time". Bleurgh.
So what, you piddled about for 20 mins getting some clothes while you were already at the shopping mall.
He behaved like a 4 year old, with all the "well you ruined it now" bollocks and not getting you an ice cream.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 20:47:35

Ok ifnot hmm I said we've made up. No need to carry on with the twattyness.

Hunfriend Sat 28-Sep-13 20:53:06

ifNot me too - its so contrived.
And in my head its always Faaaaaaaamly time a la Peggy Mitchell grin

I can believe that 20 minutes is such a big deal - I loathe football, cricket and cycling but my DH loves them I wouldn't go into meltdown like a toddler because he spent 20 minutes of familytime watching them and asked me to watch/join in too.
Your DH seems to like labelling you OP.

OP someone in your relationship is controlling - its not you sad

Hunfriend Sat 28-Sep-13 20:55:23

Op your DH shouted at you because you spent 20 minutes shopping and you ended up being the one apologising-- wrong in every way.

Moistenedbint1 Sat 28-Sep-13 21:06:00

Leave the bastard.

DownstairsMixUp Sat 28-Sep-13 21:06:27

I have no words to this thread that wouldn't kick off a bunfight again but i don't think you were unreasonable


I'm glad you sorted it! Enjoy the weekend!

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 21:39:14

Well, we just had a wonderful day and evening of 'contrived' and 'bleurgh' family time - we played on the beach, are fish and chips and hot donuts and bought candy floss.

I could do with some of this contrived bluerghness every so often smile

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 21:40:12

Ate fish and chips obviously, WE are not fish and chips grin

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 21:45:04

LEM - conciliatory and tender just isn't my style plus it's boring and puts me to sleep blush

Speaking of which..this is the time when I should be sleeping! Dd's both asleep...... But I just can't get off my blush

Hunfriend Sat 28-Sep-13 21:45:10

Thats not contrived though Tea- sounds lovelysmile
Your DH shouting at you for shopping for 20 minutes isnt nice family time though- its horrible.
Im going now - wish you all the best OPxx

Threalamandaclarke Sat 28-Sep-13 21:46:19

Yay! That sounds like a great day.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 21:50:00

He didn't exactly shout, hun.

I said he got huffy ( a fuckload of huffery to be precise grin), and sat there with a face on. Afterwards we both had a short row and then a long silence in the car home.

Thank you for your input. smile Goodnight.

Hunfriend Sat 28-Sep-13 21:54:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 21:58:04

HA! grin Oh gosh no, we save the near death thing for really important stuff.
like when someone finishes the last drop of milk in ONE cup of tea gringrin

Hunfriend Sat 28-Sep-13 22:07:27

I have asked for that comment to be deleted Tea it was stupid and thoughtless of me.
I still think your DH is an arse though grin

TeaJunky Sat 28-Sep-13 22:16:50

Which part was stupid and thoughtless blush

God, I'm getting thick skinned in my old age of nearly 30 years grin

AllDirections Sat 28-Sep-13 22:42:45

It's a wise lesson to learn, if your DH hates shopping then just don't ever shop with him. hmm

And if he's going to get huffy every time you 'drag' him into a shop then don't ever buy anything for him again. He can't have it both ways. Substitute shopping for washing up or bathing the kids, etc. and you would probably have got a totally different response on here. You don't get to not do something that family life needs and then moan when you have to do it occasionally.


ShakeAndVac Sat 28-Sep-13 23:00:42

So what, you piddled about for 20 mins getting some clothes while you were already at the shopping mall.

How was he to know that it was 'only' going to be 20 minutes, though?!
If the OP had said "I'm just going to take these in to exchange", in his head, he'll have only been only waiting outside for a couple of minutes with two small kids as that's all a quick exchange takes.
He'll have waited 5 mins, then 10, then 15 etc, all the while getting all the more pissed off while you fart around browsing the clothes aisles looking at clothes while you're blatantly not just exchanging like you said you were going to.
For all he knew, you could have still been in there half an hour later while he stood outside like a lemon.
I'm steaming up on his behalf, as it would have pissed me off no end too if we were supposed to be having a nice meal and then onto something else and you'd decided to turn it into a shopping trip for yourself!

ShakeAndVac Sat 28-Sep-13 23:02:25

Oh, and speaking from bitter experience, people who readily admit to "It was only twenty minutes" are being a tad economical with the truth - in real people terms and closer to the truth would be 40 minutes, so it is possible that you weren't just 20 minutes after all and were even longer!

SunshineMMum Sat 28-Sep-13 23:05:03

I think you are BU, an evening meal out, planned specially isn't the time to shop really. shopping isn't really recreational for DH or the kids.

kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 23:07:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sinful1 Sat 28-Sep-13 23:08:04

What were the other plans that were no longer worth bothering with did you ever find out?

Might have been.he'd booked one of the activities there and now missed it

"... a fuckload of huffery..."

This whole thread was worth it just for the creation of this phrase - and for being its creator, TeaJunky, you win the thread.

ShakeAndVac Sat 28-Sep-13 23:16:32

416 posts, it's kinda done already ladies. Night night.

So if you've only just seen the thread, and are new to it, but people have already been commenting, you're not allowed to post any more as its all already been said?! confused
Kind of defeats the purpose of Mumsnet, really - somewhere everyone can voice their opinion on matters! Not just those who manage to get there first...

kotinka Sat 28-Sep-13 23:20:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShakeAndVac Sun 29-Sep-13 00:39:24

shake and vac - yawn, knock yerself out.


Rational comeback there. hmm

ShakeAndVac Sun 29-Sep-13 00:41:43

shake and vac - yawn, knock yerself out.

Sorry, posted too soon. So you're going to bed so the rest of MN has to as well as it's all already been said and there's no point commenting on the thread anymore?! Yup, good luck with that one. grin

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Sep-13 00:42:14

'What were the other plans that were no longer worth bothering with did you ever find out?'

And what happened on the holiday.

Were you all dominant and controlling TeaJunky and he didn't like it that he liked it? grin

ShakeAndVac Sun 29-Sep-13 00:43:02

the rest of MN has to as well should read too. Not to. D'oh, maybe I SHOULD go to bed grin

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Sep-13 00:43:29

Don't knock yourself out until you've hoovered Shake.

I'm sick of getting bits stuck to my feet.

kotinka Sun 29-Sep-13 00:46:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 29-Sep-13 00:48:18

My Mum does this. Every outing turned into a pilgrimage to find the perfect shoe/handbag/Stilton/BOGOF of anything! Then she wonders why my children have meltdowns after the 900th shop with not a single interesting thing for a child in it. So we go home like its a big sacrifice to leave so early, with requisite po face and one word answers all the way home.

It's not a gender thing for me just a boring as f*ck thing.

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Sep-13 00:51:28

I think you're trying to be nice to the OP by fending off new posters who haven't RTFT commenting (and it actually pleases me to interpret it that way), but there must have been a way to do it so you didn't kick it all off again yourself grin

kotinka Sun 29-Sep-13 01:06:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 29-Sep-13 01:07:13

I read the thread. I just wanted to share my tedious shopping gripe. It's a subject very close to my heart grin.

kotinka Sun 29-Sep-13 01:08:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Sep-13 01:16:45

'no problem there, sparkly'

Bet that's a relief to you Sparkly, you can stay <cwtches down with Sparks>


So was the 'night night' aimed at the posters you'd dismissed FutThe, and not you saying you were off to bed?

kotinka Sun 29-Sep-13 01:19:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

geminigirl Sun 29-Sep-13 01:23:18

Just read a fair bit of the thread....Imagine thatyouI had suggested to DH that you go out for dinner then he suggests that we go to Restaurant X because secretly he wants to go to the nearby b and q to exchange the drill bits that he bought to put a shelf up in the family home. If he then proceeds to spend a disproportionate amount of time 'exchanging' said item....or rather looking about at other stuff would you get a bit pissed off? I have to say I would and have been in almost that very situation.....I was fuming. I think you were certainly both very tired and a bit fraught and indeed the molehill became a mountain. I am really glad you sorted out the impasse, your family day out #2 sounds just delightful grin

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Sep-13 01:28:30

grin I'm very sorry kotinka, I was getting gin thread confusion and posted their name instead of yours.

Annakin31 Sun 29-Sep-13 02:46:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 11:05:27

Agentzigzag grin @ futhe and gin confusion. grin

Well. The other thing was going to get dessert in a naice place which had closed by the time I had gagged around the shop. Thus the Ice cream buying from the counter thingy. DH actually laughed when I told him about the ice cream thing and swore he didn't do it deliberately as he didn't think I'd want one from there, and why didn't I just ask for it (or buy it if I was going to continue to be stubborn? He said he would have bought his own if he'd decided he was going to be sulking, thanks for the plan of action DH grin).

On holiday. Ahem welllll.

You can't take a child to a sweet shop and then say oh no we're not BUYING things, we're here to look at the intricate designs on the sweet jars my dear. Because if I was that kid I'd tell you to fuck right off! grin

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 11:06:56

Faffed faffed! Not gagged grin

( the clothes were all dire though maybe that's why it took me ages and I wouldn't be wrong if I was gagging grin)

I'm in SUCH a happy mood today. Got LOADS of sleep last night grin

AllDirections Sun 29-Sep-13 12:46:29

'What were the other plans that were no longer worth bothering with did you ever find out?'

Any normal person would have just said what the plans were instead of being all passive/aggressive once he'd ended up doing something he didn't want to do. I'll bet there were no plans, it was just part of the huff (the whole fuckload of it grin )

And I wouldn't have been bothered if my OH had wanted to do a similar thing IF WE WERE THERE ALREADY rather then him have to do a separate trip. But only if the kids were ok which they obviously were.

FoxyRoxy Sun 29-Sep-13 13:54:11

My dh hates shopping. He would get annoyed at waiting around for 20 minutes. He would come find me, tell me he was taking the kids somewhere else and to call when I had finished. I don't see an issue with suggesting somewhere that can kill 2 birds with one stone. He's an adult, if he's getting annoyed waiting when you said you would just pop in then say so don't throw a bloody great sulk about it.

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 14:11:58

I wish people would read the whole thread! (or at least cheat the way I do on long threads and read the last few just to get the latest updates on the situation and not make a nob of myself grin)

FoxyRoxy Sun 29-Sep-13 14:28:31

I did read the thread. I was replying to your op, the fact that you've sorted it doesn't mean he didn't have a sulk.

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 14:33:15

I wasn't referring to you dear.

DropYourSword Sun 29-Sep-13 14:35:36

I'm glad you got it sorted Tea and had a lovely day with your family at the beach and a decent sleep. Reminds me of my dad saying, "All this fresh air, you'll sleep tonight!".

candycoatedwaterdrops Sun 29-Sep-13 16:00:03

Not sure how this thread got so bonkers. hmm You were both BU and NBU at the same time but you've made up now, had fish and chips and candy flossy. <jealous> Arguments happen! C'est la vie.

I fucking hate shopping but there's always some way to assume oneself in a shopping mall, usually with food! wink

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Sep-13 16:36:20

There's nothing worse (or better if you're an interferer) than someone thinking they've got the right to an opinion on an argument you've had candy.

But to actively invite people to stick their nebs in, on AIBU, well...Tea's only got herself to blame grin

I think you've been the perfect OP Tea, stubborn, outspoken, unreasonable but grudgingly deferentially bent to the Vipers will in the end.

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 16:40:10

Agentzigzag thankswine grin

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Sep-13 16:42:22

<pins 'I've Survived AIBU' badge on Tea>

TotemPole Sun 29-Sep-13 17:04:36

You went to the beach and had fish and chips.envy

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Sep-13 18:49:19

Bet they had a fresh doughnut an' all envy

KoPo Sun 29-Sep-13 20:34:08

A word of advice for the future.

If you absolutely need to do a dull chore on an evening out Do the dull chore bit before dinner. Makes a lot of difference in my experience (DH knows that he will live through doing it before we eat but not if he leaves it til after)

Tasmania Sun 29-Sep-13 20:59:28

I HATE shopping. I do 98% of my shopping online - particularly clothes. Even if you do find something nice in a shop, you also have to find it in the right sizes... and sometimes, they don't have the size you want. It drives me mad.

Yes, the OP's DH overreacted somewhat... but I would be ANNOYED if DH decided to go into a shop after a nice meal out, and do something that belongs to a SAHM's day job rather than an evening out.

That would be the equivalent of DH saying, he has to go back to the office and finish something, while wife and DCs wait outside for 20 minutes. Wife would then not be unreasonable to be p*ssed off.

The OP might like shopping... but hardly any DH does!!!

Also, to those who say that the DH should care for his DD as well, and buy clothes with the OP - FFS, he works and presumably earns the money so that the OP can go shopping (on her own).

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 21:56:13

Thank you Tasmania.

You are a living example of presumptions and sexist stereotypes.

But thank you for your input. wine

Tasmania Sun 29-Sep-13 22:10:53


I work full time, and currently earning more than DH.

So no - I am not a living example of a sexist stereotype. Far from it. However, I would be a stereotype, if DH was the sole earner of the household, and my idea of fun is shopping.

If DH was a househusband, I'd be gutted if he expected me to do a lot of stuff at home. Same thing the other way around. As it stands, we share household chores when we get home. So, both of us would agree that if one of us decided to stay at home, whoever that person is should be able to do what we both currently do in our spare time.

You already admitted your DH did a lot at home, and did the school run, too. Apart from all things baby (and nights awake for which you have my sympathy)... what is the long list of things you have to do? There must be some things on there that does not get done in our household then, because we're hardly ever at home before 7pm...

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 22:24:59

You may be working (congratulations! Have a gold star from me!) but you do like to endorse stereotypes and are rather presumptuous, tas.

'Hardly any DH enjoys shopping'
(Sweeping generalisation)

'Shopping is the job of the sahm'
(No actually. All things child related are the joint responsibility of BOTH parents as parenting is non- stop whereas working full time has set hours.)

'Her DH EARNS the money so she can go spend it'.

A serious amount of stereotyping going on there again! You also presumed that I am a stay at home mum (who just loves to shop.)Nowhere in my thread have I written about not working/earning or not earning or whether I have an income/money of my OWN that I can go spend.

So yes. You are full time working, living example of presumptuous stereotyping grin

OP, you asked if you we're being unreasonable. You are. Take it and stop arguing.

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 22:30:59

And I find your interrogative style of questioning about my 'long list of things that I do' extremely irrelevant to this thread original post, downright rude and quite frankly, you sound like you have a huge chip on your shoulder about stay at home mums.

So in other words, do one! grin

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 22:32:40

Badgers but but but ! grin

See. This is the time when I should fucking sleep! But no. I choose to spend it on here arguing about pointless crap! grin

Tasmania Sun 29-Sep-13 22:32:59

Oh, TeaJunky...

I pity your DH.

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 22:33:58

Oh Tas, I pity YOU.
Here, have a chill wine

Tasmania Sun 29-Sep-13 22:36:19

Just a question - why are you on AIBU when all you want to hear from us is that you are a delight and absolutely perfect, what you did was great, and your DH was in the wrong.

Please, please catch up on your sleep, and stay in your ivory tower, where you are the most ueber-perfect woman on the planet...

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 22:37:35

Thank you for recognising that, Tasmania.



ToffeeCaramel Sun 29-Sep-13 22:41:57


AgentZigzag Sun 29-Sep-13 22:53:22

Pahahaha grin

This thread's like a horror film, just when you think everything's resolved itself, OP's walking off into the sunset with her lovely DH, it all kicks off again grin

As the OP of the thread Badgers, she's obliged to argue the toss (book 6, chapter 2 of the MN Rools), what's the fucking point in us being here else?

HaroldLloyd Sun 29-Sep-13 23:06:28

Any one fancy an ice cream?

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 23:08:57

Me! me! Harold grin Only how will they reach me up high, in this here ivory tower of uber-perfect me


TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 23:10:14

Agent zig - BAHAHAHAHA @ horror film gringringrin .

They provoke me they really do.

HaroldLloyd Sun 29-Sep-13 23:10:47

You probably bathe in ice cream you entitled moo!

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 23:13:46

Haaaaaaaaaaaa grin


Any one else want a pop?


HaroldLloyd Sun 29-Sep-13 23:16:13

No you are fabulous. This has been my favourite AIBU for ages!

Get back in that ivory tower.

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Sep-13 23:17:43

If you've got some pop we could have a snowball with the ice cream smile

Oh, you didn't mean that kind of pop sad

TeaJunky Sun 29-Sep-13 23:21:14

Harold I'm still in the tower! AS IF I'll ever leave my clothes-shopping, ice cream eating lifestyle grin

Agent - any kind of pop for you - free bar in the tower wine

SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 30-Sep-13 14:45:12

<just itching to revive thread today>

Reading the latest updates has quite cheered me up.

Oh and to whoever wondered what SAHM do all day... Er I think the clue is on the 'M'. We do mothering! Presumably while you're at work earning your pretty penny, your children are either at school or in day care (so not messing up the house / requiring your full attention 24-7)

Oh God. I need to sit on my hands.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Mon 30-Sep-13 14:55:40

I know it's moved on now, but I don't think you were BU at all.

He behaved like a stropping whinging child.

And bollocks to comments like 'he's a bloke. Allergic to shopping'. I assume people posting that stuff also slave away at home all day, make sure they've got their lippy on so they look nice when hubby comes home from a hard day at the 1950s office and get his tea on the table promptly.


TeaJunky Mon 30-Sep-13 16:23:09

Saycool - don't grin're going to kick it all off again grin

Buzzardbird Mon 30-Sep-13 16:44:03

If it's Black Tower you can keep it. I would have thought with all your shopping experience you would buy better wine?

SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 30-Sep-13 17:03:17

grin I know. I just can't help myself!

It may be a stereotype, but I have never personally known a heterosexual man who enjoyed clothes shopping as a leisure activity. I've seen them on documentaries though, so apparently they do exist.

Mind you I'm a (mainly) heterosexual woman and I also think clothes shopping is the work of the devil. It took DP a few months of being with me before he'd believe I really meant that. But I've had a fair few (female) friends who feel the same way as me, and it's been heartening to hear from so many on this thread too.

Fluorescent strip lighting, sneering shop assistants, queues for sweaty, scratchy, filthy changing rooms with hideously unflattering mirrors, torn stickers sticking to your legs, those weird radio stations that only play in clothes shops with knock-off versions of Top RnB Classics 2011 on a loop, things on the wrong hangers, hangers falling on the floor, buggies blocking your path, queueing again for the tills, and at the end the opportunity to part with hard-earned cash for some little bit of fabric - yeah, what's not to love? hmm

pixwix Mon 30-Sep-13 17:29:16

Heart - am with you - would rather go to the dentist meself. I like my dentist, and he makes me laugh.

yes, and you don't have to take your clothes off

SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 30-Sep-13 17:56:32

Depends on the dentist

Buzzardbird Mon 30-Sep-13 18:01:34

I would but he never asks me to sad

TeaJunky Mon 30-Sep-13 18:01:47

Haaaaaa saycool grin

Piss off then if you don't want me drinks! winewinegrin

Buzzardbird Mon 30-Sep-13 18:19:23

Your wine is like your nights out OP, boring and missing the point grin

TeaJunky Mon 30-Sep-13 18:21:45

Buzzard are you a little bit pissed on a Monday evening ? grin

Buzzardbird Mon 30-Sep-13 21:13:48

Hee hee, I wish grin might have a glass to celebrate no school run in the morning though so my posts might just get more obscure. Pass me the wine Op will yer?

TeaJunky Mon 30-Sep-13 22:14:37

Let's be pissed, entitled, no-school-ru moos together grin

says she who is teetotal but has still handed out a shocking amount of alcohol in this thread gringrin

HaroldLloyd Mon 30-Sep-13 22:16:16

I want to be entitled. Poor DP has been out all day bringing home the bacon and now washing dishes, whilst I pretend to work and piss about on MN.

I want new clothes and an ice cream as well, and some wine for my ivory tower.

TeaJunky Mon 30-Sep-13 23:44:04

Harold did you not get the gold embossed members card???

Fucking postie! How dare he. He's a full time working moron that's what he is ! grin

TeaJunky Mon 30-Sep-13 23:47:29

Well today I have had a fuckload of entitlement ...DH gave me £100 as a gift to spend on whatever I fancied.

Moooooooooooooo grin

Might get some new nets for me ivory tower windows. Sparkly ones.

and wait to go choose them when we next go out for a meal gringringrin

Buzzardbird Mon 30-Sep-13 23:48:07

Anyway, tell your dh to take you to classier restaurants and then you wouldn't be able to shop! See, its his fault! ...hic!

HaroldLloyd Mon 30-Sep-13 23:51:09

Tea won't go to a restaurant unless its near a shop, she's a sneaky bint like that.

I take every penny off DP. He's a shadow of a man walking around with holes in his shoes.

And I pay someone to iron!

I am so in that tower.

If only these pesky kids would cook their own food I'd have it made!

TeaJunky Mon 30-Sep-13 23:52:47

Oh dear buzzard...all that cheap booze you've been guzzling at my free bar. sad

I chose the restaurant remember.

Classy bird me. blush

TeaJunky Mon 30-Sep-13 23:53:51

Harold how comes you just get me. I love you I really do you know!

TeaJunky Mon 30-Sep-13 23:55:59

And gosh your kids don't cook for themselves either! I thought it was just me spoiling my 4 yr and 10 month old!

I can't believe we let it get to this sad

TeaJunky Mon 30-Sep-13 23:57:56

And you pay someone to iron shock


incapable of holding more than one thought at a time in my head at this time hence multiple posts. Dithering/faffing/forgetful me in full force

Buzzardbird Mon 30-Sep-13 23:59:30

Oh tea, you mistake me for someone that read the thread and was telling the truth about drinking your cheap wine grin. Sober and totally disappointed in how you fell so easily for Howard. I'm going to run off with your dh and he will never be dragged around a shop again...bahahaha!

TeaJunky Tue 01-Oct-13 00:08:41

Take him! I'll be the one laughing when he throws a strop in a shop (that rhymes and you WILL end up in a shop one day ) and doesn't buy you an Ice cream muwahahahahaha grin

TeaJunky Tue 01-Oct-13 00:09:41

I am now going over to a really serious thread so shush!... Hic!

Buzzardbird Tue 01-Oct-13 00:11:40

Ah, but if I 'will' he will pay the 'bill'...that rhymes too smile kiss goodbye to your meal ticket ivory tower lady...

Buzzardbird Tue 01-Oct-13 00:12:46

Oh ok, serious head on time...

TeaJunky Tue 01-Oct-13 00:32:58

Meal ticket...really?!
Your poor DH grin

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