to be annoyed that someone I had an affair with, still posts on...

(65 Posts)
ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:23:11

a facebook page he set up to communicate with me.

As this is aibu, I want to know what you would think. He nearly left his wife for me but didn't in the end, after two years of saying he wanted to, could live without me etc.

It was obviously much more messy than that, and i got hurt, but it's been over a year since i told him where to go, and as far as I've heard his wife and he are making a go of it.

Yet he's taking the piss out of her. The facebook page has photos on it to do with me. Not of me. Messages that he misses me. He is blocked by me btw. I know it still exists as my now partner did a search, and the page is still there.

PeppermintPasty Fri 27-Sep-13 10:24:41

You're kidding me, right?

Actually, don't answer that.

frumpet Fri 27-Sep-13 10:25:00

I presume you ended the relationship ? Are the posts recent or historical and why on earth was your partner searching for the page ?

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:25:07

oh and it's not under his real name so would be hard to find. it's possible he's blocked certain people so they won't find it.

drip feed--my friend asked him to delete it in june, it went, but it's back again.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:26:12

that's where the drip comes in, as my friend had asked him to delete it, i was curious that he was still gone.

i wanted to know.

HairyGrotter Fri 27-Sep-13 10:26:54

You've no leg to stand on, abhorrent behaviour attributed to both of you scummers. Disgusting

thebody Fri 27-Sep-13 10:27:11

I think you should do the first part of your user name and move on. don't look back.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:27:56

my partner knows what happened, no this isn't a joke. I got the same spiel as many others have, the misery, the marriage over all that. BUt i finished yes one yr ago.

the latest post is august yes.

UriGeller Fri 27-Sep-13 10:28:22

Stop looking for it. Clear it from your mind and you life.

Whatever he wants to do with his time has nothing to do with you anymore.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 27-Sep-13 10:28:26

So it's a decoy page that he set up so that his wife wouldn't find out about you, and he could 'publicly' say he missed you etc, without her finding out?

I'd bet my house that there are a lot of people like you who think the page is about them. Who he's given the same nickname too, shared the same jokes and experiences with. He's now using it for someone else. There'd be no benefit in maintaining it, otherwise, and he wouldn't have put it back up.

He's blocked you so that you don't post on it and claim that it's all about you. Can't have your OW knowing that each other exist!

Hegsy Fri 27-Sep-13 10:29:25

facepalm why are you getting your current partner to look for this? If you've blocked him and the page then just get on with your life, what he does is his and his wifes business. Just ignore it.

Also hope you've brought your hard hat!

MammaTJ Fri 27-Sep-13 10:29:28

Best not to have an affair with a married man in the first place. This happening as a result of that is your own fault.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:29:35

yes fine. scummers. but honestly, ok had i put this in chat or wwyd, i would have been asking for some sort of understanding of why he's doing it.

i don't give a shit, but yes i am angry it's still there.

HairyGrotter Fri 27-Sep-13 10:30:11

Caja probably has it spot on. Gutted ha

You both did something awful and he's continuing it. Stay the fuck away is probably the best advice. That poor bloody wife.

thebody Fri 27-Sep-13 10:31:18

because he's a twat. now move on.

And it's bad that it's still there but what does it matter to you? You can ignore it and most people can't find it so just walk away!

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:32:17

he's not blocked me on it!!

my friend told him to delete it, on that page back in june, by pm. he did.

it's back.

in aug he wrote some woe is me about being in hospital. he says my name on it. i can see all the posts!!

if he were using it for other women they'd see what the public can see. oh, yes, that aswel it's public.

Still doesn't matter.

Walk away.

Think of it as the price you pay for getting involved with someone like that & behaving like that.

HairyGrotter Fri 27-Sep-13 10:33:46

Your new partner must be very open and tolerant. Just ignore it, why let it get to you if you don't have residual feelings about him? I feel for his wife!

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:34:11

caja, honestly. it's only about me. it's creepy. and i know i'm not allowed to say this here, in aibu, but yes his poor bloody wife.

absentmindeddooooodles Fri 27-Sep-13 10:34:25

Errrmmmmm.....ignore it maybe?

Holio Fri 27-Sep-13 10:34:49

Who cares!

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:35:55

i don't care for him, yes there are residual feelings, of 'something' i'm human.

my partner, well i was honest from the start.

it's all a bit odd. and i've ignored it. just pisses me off really.

Well if there are residual feelings then all the more reason to stay out of that whole mess. Just hope his wife sees the light sooner rather than later.

AngelsLieToKeepControl Fri 27-Sep-13 10:37:36

Why are you getting your new partner to stalk your ex online? Thats creepy behaviour,

I bet him taking the piss out of his wife didn't bother you when you were together, I imagine you both had a good laugh at her expense, setting up your facebook page and declaring your feelings in public. Why does it bother you now?

SilverApples Fri 27-Sep-13 10:37:37

His poor wife?
The one you wanted him to leave?
He is an unpleasant character if what you say is true, but really, sympathy from you? Do you think she'd appreciate it?

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:38:19

yeah, i know. who cares. i do think that most of the time. If he were to have other flirtations you'd think he would open another account.

oh maybe he has. there's pics of his kids on there too. in context when we communicating ok, we were planning a future, one yr ago, but it didn't work out.

i truly am over it, but it's not right now. it's over. they are working on their marriage and it's still there.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:39:20

no you're right, i was taking the piss back then.

not now. he is.

SilverApples Fri 27-Sep-13 10:39:39

He's doing it because it amuses and entertains him.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:40:55

oh no there was no laughing, it was a dire, ridiculous mistake on my part and i hurt someone terribly.

Snargaluff Fri 27-Sep-13 10:41:07

I actually am a bit confused by people saying ignore it, obviously he's using your actual name and even if it's not identifiable that it's him, it is identifiable that it's you. Obviously you did a terrible thing but you ended it, you have a new partner, and it's justifiable that you'd feel pissed off that your name is being used on a public site in this way.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:42:01

well i'll just ignore it. just needed to vent.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:42:51

yes, this is the thing. i have come to aibu because it's a piss take. there's pics of him on there too!!

bicyclefish Fri 27-Sep-13 10:43:31

contact facebook, tell them this guy is passively harassing you and ask them to remove the page?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 27-Sep-13 10:45:06

X-post. Report to facebook.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:45:31

i ignored it from last year till june, well basically cos he was blocked. i was freaked out when i saw there were messages on there for me. who's not had a nose on facebook, and it's obvious he's doing it cos he wants either a reaction, or it's some sort of self satisfying release.

i guess, now i've a partner it feels like so long ago, and it's creepy.

StuntGirl Fri 27-Sep-13 10:45:49

I don't understand why you care.

You're no longer with him.

You've blocked him so can't see it.

Except you're getting your new partner to check for you?

So you'd never have known if you hadn't gone looking for it?

Walk away. Really, why is this anything to do with you now?

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:46:24

ok will look to that.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:47:15

because i am identifiable on it i guess.

BeCool Fri 27-Sep-13 10:48:16

YABU to think anyone here might care.

Dahlen Fri 27-Sep-13 10:48:19

Well either you have an incredibly thick skin or you're into self-flagellation wink but I suspect the reason the FB page is still up is precisely because he knew you would check it. As indeed you have.

You've got your new partner checking it out, which is weird in itself. You say you're truly over it, but quite obviously you aren't. Maybe you're over him but clearly you're not over the sense of rejection (that he wouldn't leave his wife). I think you need to stop looking, stop asking your friends to get involved by communicating with him (which just keeps the link between you two going) and completely sever your life from his. Only then will you send the message that nothing he does will bring you back for more fun on the side.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:48:47

and i did ignore, but curiosity got the better of me and i the rug got pulled from under me, i couldn't believe it was there again. neither do i know how long it was deleted for.

ok. i'm off. will report it. small town.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:51:48

oh i think self flagellation is within reason, well was. i prob have got hangups, but there it is.

if i report it, i hope it's annonymous.

deepfriedsage Fri 27-Sep-13 11:05:26

His poor wife. Report. Why are you and your new guyobsessing over your ex mm?

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 11:07:25

I've not been obsessing if it's something i've just found out. i am angry right now. small town, new(ish) partner knows him. friend who asked him to delete it knows all of us.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 11:08:42

it feels more like he's obsessing about me, and tbh i was very blind, it is, looking back, his nature to obsess. as he wouldn't leave me alone back then.

I think he still wants to get caught. He's getting more risky by adding your name and his pictures. It's basically a log of your affair, when the wife finds it its all cataloged for her. She will find it, he wants her to.

If someone mentions you had an affair with someone. a Facebook search of your name will bring it up for her or her friends.

My guess is he wants it all to explode for both the relationships to come to an end, together. Leaving you and him single again.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 11:14:54

he did tell the wife he wanted to leave, but they decided to work on it.

maybe he's playing a stupid game so he'll get chucked out should she find it. my surname isn't involved.

WeAreSeven Fri 27-Sep-13 11:15:09

Send his wife a screenshot of it?

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 11:17:28

the page was something he set up to contact me for only a few weeks when it all came to a head. a year ago. the photo's were shared back then.

then after it was over, i thought it had gone. my stupid big headed curiosity got the better of me to look again in june if it was there. it was with bells on.

you must care to check?.

he must care to post?

Groovee Fri 27-Sep-13 11:32:14

my friend asked him to delete it in june, it went, but it's back again.

He's met someone else and has reactivated it to use it for the new relationship, is what that comment screams to me.

Beastofburden Fri 27-Sep-13 11:35:21

Of course you are irritated that he is still talking about it, because you now look back and think, what was I thinking? You would like the whole episode to vanish off the face of the earth. I do have sympathy because we are all allowed to make mistakes and it is hard when they come back to haunt us. But all you can do is say, Yes, I was wrong, I really regret this now. You can't realistically expect privacy.

Back in the (pre-internet) day he would be down the pub gossiping about you to his mates. You can't prevent that if you have a history with him. It is part of the pain of that kind of situation.

Yes, people may find out about it, this way or some other way, and you might be a bit embarrassed if they do. His wife would suffer more though, so you just have to hope he cares enough about her to STFU about this. He clearly isn't the kind of guy to behave decently otherwise.

Buzzardbird Fri 27-Sep-13 11:38:27

Was he really into photography?

He isn't just taking the piss outbid his wife, he is doing it ( and has done it to you).

It isn't there because he secretly loves you and wants to be with you, if that is what you are hoping.

It is a lot less effort to start up where you two left off, than have to go through finding someone who will put up with being the OW, to put it bluntly. He has sussed out what he can do without it ending his marriage. He might even live his wife, but needs a hobby to give him a boost.

If I was your new partner I would be very worried about why you concerned yourself with this and re-evaluating how serious you are towards having a proper relationship.

He may be keeping hold of it incase your single again and up to being his distraction from RL, don't kid yourself that you are anything more.

WilsonFrickett Fri 27-Sep-13 11:54:30

He loves the drama. Loves the feeling he's getting something over on his W. Probably loves the fact he can jerk your chain too.

Don't let him, learn your lesson - cheaters aren't nice people - and move on.

Cravey Fri 27-Sep-13 12:49:55

Oh wow. You sound so lovely. NOT .

EllaFitzgerald Fri 27-Sep-13 13:21:54

So you were ok with his awful behaviour when you wanted to have an affair with him, but now you've moved on, you're surprised that he's not suddenly a paragon of virtue?

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 13:42:33

no you're right, i shouldn't be surprised.

AngelsLieToKeepControl Fri 27-Sep-13 13:46:08

If he hasn't used your surname then fb won't delete the page, even if he had the most they would do is take down the post anyway.

He will get some notification it has been reported, it will be obvious to him who it was, so you have played right into his hands now.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 13:48:48

hmm, i really don't care for him, i care about what i did now being on show, but, and believe it or not i care because i think it's a shitty thing to do when you've come clean with someone, and they are in the dark.

i am part of that stupid page. how any 'other' ow would like to be communicating on there with him when it says things like 'i really miss ignoeorwhat' on it i am not sure.

it's gone and finished, yes it hurt, it hurt everyone. what tone i am showing on here, well that's tricky because i don't want sympathy for what i've done. I deserve to be exposed, but it was, back then. and as far as she knew it was done with and he makes me very angry.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 13:49:46

i havent yet reported as you say it's feeding the fire. so i won't. I shall ignore. thanks for input all.

MissStrawberry Fri 27-Sep-13 13:57:53

I am completely confused by the issue other than to feel you would go back in a heartbeat and you are annoyed he hasn't been in touch for real but posts on facebook.

ignoreorwhat Fri 27-Sep-13 14:06:19

i really do not want anything more to do with him.

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