AIBU to not disclose my sexual history?

(135 Posts)
fll28 Fri 27-Sep-13 06:12:23

I have never told my DH how many other people there were before him. He has asked a few times but I usually fob him off. AIBU? Have you shared all with your partner?

SourSweets Fri 27-Sep-13 06:15:29

Pfft, no YANBU. It's your past, it's nothing to do with him and he should respect that.

I have told my husband but only because I felt comfortable doing so, if I didn't then I wouldn't.

Sangelina Fri 27-Sep-13 06:15:38

No, I haven't and nor has he; we never asked. Its all in the past and not important to us.

MisselthwaiteManor Fri 27-Sep-13 06:17:05

YANBU, your sexual history is irrelevant to your current relationship.

Crowler Fri 27-Sep-13 06:38:29

I think a lady is entitled to keep this all to herself if she wishes. Just carry on fobbing him off.

MammaTJ Fri 27-Sep-13 06:40:51

YANBU!!

HairyGrotter Fri 27-Sep-13 07:09:13

YANBU, I've never kept a tally, I have a rough ball park figure but it's no ones business.

Xiaoxiong Fri 27-Sep-13 07:25:51

YANBU. Need to know only (eg. If an STD is involved that could affect your current partner).

NicholasTeakozy Fri 27-Sep-13 07:26:24

YANBU at all. I don't understand why so many people fixate on things like this. What's more important is the present, surely?

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 07:27:09

I think a lady is entitled to keep this all to herself if she wishes

I think a person is entitled to keep it to themselves smile

YANBU. Why would he want to know?

raisah Fri 27-Sep-13 07:29:34

Has he told you hence the questions? Really none of his business and it is going to eat him either way because he has already thought about it.

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 07:30:50

My H and I haven't shared our sexual histories either.

He's never asked. Why would he ?

If your bloke asks again, I would consider it pressurising and tell him to wind his neck in. Absolutely none of his business.

UrethraFranklin Fri 27-Sep-13 07:34:27

YANBU. I told a previous partner how many others I had been with and it got at him for the whole relationship (for the record, not that many but considerably more than his tally of 1 other person) it just added to that beautiful fountain of jealousy hmm

Keep it to yourself, if that's what you want. Since then, I haven't told anyone, there's no need in majority of cases.

doorchairsettee Fri 27-Sep-13 07:37:25

I think you are being unreasonable yes.

But then I am not ashamed of my past and have enough morals to have only slept with 2 people both of which I was deeply in love with.

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 07:41:12

"morals" LOL - Are you Victorian?

JCDenton Fri 27-Sep-13 07:41:43

Keep it to yourself. I never ask these things. Chris Rock had a hilarious routine on this, there's no answer your partner can give that's a good one!

'Two? TWO? I guess that's how was raised!'

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 07:41:47

well, as DH and I have only ever slept with each other, this does not apply to us, but I certainly think honesty very important and if asked outright, there should be no fobbing off/lying involved.

We haven't asked each other.
I know we both clocked up plenty before we got together but it's irrelevant
Nothing immoral about just shagging for fun, eitherhmm in fact I would say it used to be a hobby. like canoeing or somethinggrin

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 07:43:17

you don't have to be victorian to have a "moral" code that just happens to differ from what society sees as "normal"

Snapespeare Fri 27-Sep-13 07:44:25

He hasn't asked, I haven't told him. I'm not remotely interested in who he has slept with before meeting me. I think the only disclosure should be in relation to non-curable STDs.

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 07:45:45

you don't have to be victorian to have a "moral" code that just happens to differ from what society sees as "normal"

The comment made wasn't about a moral code though was it? It was judgemental shit about having "enough morals".

tumbletumble Fri 27-Sep-13 07:45:48

I think it's a pretty normal question to ask your partner - not the gory details though! I've never lied about it and would feel a bit hmm if my partner refused to tell me. I don't mind if it's loads!

Sockywockydoodah Fri 27-Sep-13 07:46:19

Ha - SoupDragon wins the thread grin

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 07:47:58

would people really not mind getting involved with someone who had slept with 1000s of people? you'd happily assume it was more like 5 or 10? and that these had all been safe?

not everyone practices safe sex, not everyone can even remember who they did what with and what protection they used.

unless you get every new partner tested for STIs, its a risky business

HairyGrotter Fri 27-Sep-13 07:48:53

I have a decent moral code, but also like fucking men. You CAN have both, I'm atheist, I have no strict morals on what I want to do with my body.

Loosen up, it's fun to enjoy yours and other peoples bodies in a consenting sweaty manner!

marriedinwhiteisback Fri 27-Sep-13 07:49:24

But shouldn't it be simpler than that. DH and I know of principal partners before we met. We met through mutual friends - we would both have known if either had had a reputation for being a bit free.

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 27-Sep-13 07:49:57

YANBU, it is none of his business.

doorchairsettee, why do morals come into the OP's question at all?

OP hasnt mentioned what her previous history is just that she doesnt want to discuss it with her DH.

doorchairsettee Fri 27-Sep-13 07:50:31

Yes I am judgemental about lots of things this being the big one. There is no reason other than shame to keep this to yourself.

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 07:51:01

not everyone practices safe sex

Not even people with "enough morals" who have only slept with one or two people before.

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 07:51:19

soup, OK I get what you're saying, I did not read that poster as being judgey about other peoples decisions, only having certain standards of their own, which does not = Victorian

just like my choices are my choices and I do not try to inflict them on everyone else, or think less of people who behave differently

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 07:51:52

There is no reason other than shame to keep this to yourself.

Or privacy. There's that one too.

Wishihadabs Fri 27-Sep-13 07:52:33

As someone else said there is no right answer. Men want a sexually experienced virgin ;)

Moxiegirl Fri 27-Sep-13 07:52:44

I can't imagine being in a long term relationship where I didn't feel comfortable talking about previous sexual history. Yes I do actually think it's relevant, I think most people would want to know if their partner had a habit of paying for sex with lots of women for example - even if it was before your relationship?

ILetHimKeep20Quid Fri 27-Sep-13 07:53:20

I'd be mythed if my dh refused to answer. He's your husband, your partner for life who you are to trust explicitly for the rest of your life. Why wouldn't you share?

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 27-Sep-13 07:54:07

I remember hearing that the 'correct' number to recognise is 3:

- the beast who took your virginity
- your first true love
- your current partner

Mind that was a good few years ago!

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 07:54:34

I don't care what other people choose to do wrt their sex life.
I do care when people start being snotty about others being immoral for making different choices. Currently it seems only doorchairsettee is making stupid judgemental comments. Clearly she is perfectly entitled to have her own moral code but it is not OK to judge others for living their lives differently.

Wishihadabs Fri 27-Sep-13 08:03:20

Ilet depends a bit. IME (more than 10, less than 20 if anyone cares) this question comes up at the beginning of a relationship, when you have every right to stay shtum. The whole situation of my DH (and only sexual partner) of the last 15 years interrogating me about my behavior in my early 20's would be deeply odd. What on earth would prompt him to ask ?

DP has asked me and my answer was 'enough'

I've never asked him but he's older than me and spent less time in LTR so assume it's much more.
I think the number is irrelevant anyway. And all this morals stuff is bollocks. For example, say I've slept with 10 men, all ones I know, some mates who became fuck buddies, others partners etc, then my friend has slept with 5, 1 LTR, 2 married men, her best mates fella, a ONS and her boss to get a promotion. If you ask how many we've slept with I look like the one with less morals, when technically my mate is on much shakier ground moral wise with the married blokes and the boss?

As for safe sex, again number is irrelevant. If you shag without protection it's a risk you take, regardless of if you only sleep with them once.

fluffyraggies Fri 27-Sep-13 08:19:28

It's a tricky one.

BUT - I keep thinking i can't imagine getting as far as marrying someone without having had that chat already. Rough idea of sexual history. Like the 'do you want kids or not' chat.

Right from the start DH and i chatted about our low points and high points in life so far. Our teens and 20's, and compared notes on what we did, what we were listening to, where we were and - therefore really - who we were dating/shagging/dumping/being dumped by at those times.

There were one or two things that we revealed to each other much later in our relationship. (a sad one from me, and a shock one from him) but the basics, ie: rough idea of numbers, were 'laid bare' from the beginning really.

tumbletumble Fri 27-Sep-13 08:27:54

Married, just because you met through friends and were already aware of each other's dating history doesn't mean that's the only way to meet someone! DH and I met at work.

Both me and DH know ballpark figures of each others. Both "immoral" kinds of figures too. Luckily we are both equally immoral and unashamed, so it works.

YANBU for not wanting to tell, but why don't you want to tell, are you worried your loving partner would think negatively? Because that would make them a bit of a twat.

Crowler Fri 27-Sep-13 08:50:57

Quite right, soupdragon. Sometimes I just like to say "lady". wink

ALittleStranger Fri 27-Sep-13 08:55:36

I have enough morals to have slept with a number of people, with emotions ranging from intense love to not giving a damn. But if I cook them breakfast the eggs are always organic and I do recycle.

YANBU. It's been a long time since a partner has even asked me.

geekgal Fri 27-Sep-13 08:55:42

Agree with Soupdragon, it's no one else's business, including your present partner. I think it's a shame if you think he would be really judgemental (I'm guessing that's why you don't want to say), no one should judge another person based on that!

BuskersCat Fri 27-Sep-13 08:58:33

yes I do think you should disclose it to your dp. I know how many he's been with, and him me.

Norfolknway Fri 27-Sep-13 09:02:03

No, we've been together 10 years and it has never come up.

I think it's best left alone - all mysterious and that wink

We've chatted about it, more from general chat than any need to know IYSWIM.

He's had a lot more than me but there's an age gap do I settled before him (with him, obviously!)

I don't think it's a conversation you have to have. It's really a private thing that shouldn't affect your relationship.

As for judging people about it? Why? Why is that something to judge?

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 27-Sep-13 09:08:21

I think its up to you, if you dont want to tell then dont.

Not sure of the exact number of women dp has slept with (not sure he is either) we know abit about each others past as weve known each other a long time and because we have had conversations about it.

shewhowines Fri 27-Sep-13 09:17:37

You don't have to tell him, you could even lie. But I want my relationships to be built on honesty. I wouldn't feel comfortable hiding anything from a long term partner. If its not something they want to hear then they shouldn't have asked. If they can't accept you for who you are, then they are not the right person in the first place.

Everybody has things in their past that they perhaps wouldn't repeat or regret/don't regret, that is different to what others would do. Your history(sexual or otherwise) is what makes you, you. I would feel uncomfortable presenting myself in any way but honestly.

But horses for courses. If neither of you has asked then fair enough you don't need to have the conversation. But he has asked...

absentmindeddooooodles Fri 27-Sep-13 09:17:42

Totally up to you. Dp amd I have talked about it all. His number is...lets say considerably higher than mine, and im glad I know tbh. Its in the past. We are both very open with things like that. Weve talked about rhings we have tried, liked, would never want to do again.
Personally its part of him and as we talk about everything else then why not that?
It really is down to the individual though. If you dont feel comfortable then fine. Dont say anything!

Idespair Fri 27-Sep-13 09:23:14

I think yabu because it's relevant to his health as well if any of the previous stuff was unprotected.

Wallison Fri 27-Sep-13 09:24:54

It's up to you what you tell anybody about yourself, and that includes those closest to you, particularly when it comes to information that has no bearing on your life as it is now whatsoever.

And I thought that we had gone beyond thinking of sexual behaviour in 'moral' terms. hmm Surely whether or not an act is moral would depend on if you deliberately hurt someone as a result of your sexual activity - for eg if you slept with someone who was married, or treated a sexual partner cruelly etc? Because I don't think that sex itself is either a moral or an immoral act.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 27-Sep-13 09:33:47

IME

The type of person who asks,is the type who will make any answer an issue.

Yorkieaddict Fri 27-Sep-13 09:38:17

YANBU. I don't think DH and I have ever discussed this, and we've been happily married 10 years. I have never actually counted how many are in my past, so I don't even know exactly, although it isn't a huge number. Likewise, I know about all of DH's significant relationships before me, but I am sure he will have slept with other people, I feel no desire to know the exact numbers or any details.

Sallyingforth Fri 27-Sep-13 09:39:05

One reason for asking how many previous partners they have had is to give you some idea of the future of this relationship. If you are hoping it to be for life you may wonder if someone with many previous is actually able to make you their last.

MutantAndProud Fri 27-Sep-13 09:41:13

Ummm I think YABU. I wouldn't want to know the gory details but I think knowing the basics about a partner's sexual and romantic history is important. I also think it is important to have a full STI screening before starting each new sexual relationship but I know others will think that takes the passion and spontaneity out of it.

higgle Fri 27-Sep-13 09:48:35

I slept with a large number of people before I married DH (and my morals are quite OK , thank you) I have discussed the general details with DH, as indeed he did with me. I can't think why it should be a taboo subject. I don't however like the idea of anyone demanding this information so OP is not being unreasonable.

shewhowines Fri 27-Sep-13 09:49:16

Surely most people don't ask with ulterior motives sock . Isn't it just part of the general finding out about each other, type conversations, you have when things are getting serious.

I wouldn't worry about the number of previous partners per se, but if it was a huge quantity, I would probably like the option of HIV/std testing for both of us to
a. put my mind at rest
b. catch it early for treatment
c. minimise the risk of passing it on (not just sexually with hiv)

I'm not saying I would actually take the tests, but I would like the option. If someone is not honest, that choice is taken from me to protect my own health.

shewhowines Fri 27-Sep-13 09:52:04

Good point sally . i think that is probably a better reason than health.

TBH when I've had that conversation in the past i think it was just general nosyness and finding out about each other. I'm not sure even if I have asked the question or partners have asked me. It was a non event, just general chit chat.

It depends on your age and circumstances, as well, though.

I was happily with my, now deceased DH, for 22 years, from a young age. After his death I didn't want a relationship and slept with lots of men, none of which I regret. They weren't taken home when my children were there and no harm was done, it fulfilled a need in me.

That was 7 years ago, I have had a relationship since then, so there is no "risk" from me having numerous sexual partners, or "not making someone my last".

My DH died young from an unexpected cancer, just because you think you are set for life in a relationship, doesn't mean you are and I found my sex drive went through the roof in my 30's.

"Morals" are about how you conduct your day to day life, not how many people you are having sex with, if no-one is harmed etc. I see much more damage done to children when parents think they have to be in relationships and stay in them, because they don't want to be alone, when in essence they are " on their own" they just have the same person asleep next to them every night.

It's not a taboo subject but I would find it weird to add up previous partners (full sex? Oral?) just to satisfy what? Partners curiosity.
Do you also discuss orgasms, who had a massive cock, who you said I love you to and who you didn't....?

Also it is being found that in some people some strains of HIV ( I work with people who are +) take upto three years to show up.

The least time you need to be sure is six months, but that may not be long enough.

gamerchick Fri 27-Sep-13 10:04:00

I thought it was common practise to both go for full sti screening somewhere at the start of a relation. Then the past wouldn't matter surely?

Some men don't take it well if you've slept with more than they have. I don't doubt that it bothers some woman as well. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.

DownstairsMixUp Fri 27-Sep-13 10:04:52

It's up to both partners I think so I don't think you are being unreasonable. Some people wouldn't want to be with someone that had slept with 100's of people and if they don't want to, that's fair enough and it's really not our place to judge them (btw, i am not that person, i actually have a higher number than "average" number of partners but if someone didn't want to be with me because of that, i'd also be fine) I know my partner's number and he knows mine just as we have had random drunken chats about our pasts and it came up, it just doesn't bother me? If you are both happy not disclosing this fine I would say, same as if you did both want to know. Guess it's a bit tricky as he wants to know.

DownstairsMixUp Fri 27-Sep-13 10:09:48

I disagree sock like I said I'm on the opposite side of this in that I have a "high" number of partners but if something like how many people someone has been with bothers you, then you should really ask early on and cut off while it's still early. I was honest with my OH and he wasn't bothered but one guy I was seeing just actually dumped me and said I obviously had "issues" hmm so in my eyes, I'm glad he knew or I could of ended up with him for a while and no doubt, it would of come up later on and would of caused issues when I was more "involved!"

If he is so keen on honesty/invading your privacy, I would tell him EVERYTHING.

That would shut him up.

amber381 Fri 27-Sep-13 10:17:32

I think this is one of those things that seems of great importance when you are very young and inexperienced and then becomes less so as you get older. I have never asked DH, doubt I ever would. I don't think it in any way reflects the future of your relationship- in fact if someone had only slept with a couple of people I would think it was more likely they would seek more excitement later on and be less likely to stick with one partner forever, if you have already got it out of your system then you are less likely to be curious about what's out there.

As for STIs, it doesn't matter how many people you have been with, it's always best to get checked out when starting a relationship where you will have unprotected sex. My friend got one from the second guy she ever slept with.

"Some men don't take it well if you've slept with more than them".

I would of hoped that this sort of shit about how females should control their sexual urges, unlike men (and those with that sort of attitude are usually the one's who are rape apologist, as well as sexists) had gone.

I grew up with those attitudes, they certainly don't do society any good.

If quantity is the issue and not circumstances, then I would question that persons "moral code" and way of thinking.

MaddAddam Fri 27-Sep-13 10:25:11

I would like a rough idea, for a long term partner of mine, just out of nosiness. I don't really want to be with someone who wants to be private about such things. I don't mind if people have had one previous partner or 100, separately or in groups, but to me a close relationship goes with intimacy and knowing such things.

pigletmania Fri 27-Sep-13 10:25:37

I would only if I had an std or HIV tan a potential sexual partner has a right to know

As you get to know someone, you learn that when he went to New York, he was with B, when he lived in London he was with c, he had a really difficult break up with D, he had a 'wild time' after D, the first girl he ever loved was e.

I've always worked out a rough ball park figure that everyone's happy with and I assume partners do the same. I agree with Amber, the wanting of numbers maybe is more important to younger people.

Dahlen Fri 27-Sep-13 10:43:43

Why does he want to know?

It's one thing to talk about past lovers and sexual experiences generally - almost in an abstract sense, and idle curiosity can also be a factor. Maybe if you're more experienced than him (or he suspects you are), he's feeling a bit insecure about his technique. Who knows? The point is that there should be no pressurising or moral judgement about it on either side.

bicyclefish Fri 27-Sep-13 10:48:05

OP. if the reason you are asking this is because there is a niggling doubt that there might be an 'issue' with one of your previous partners, then i would suggest you discreetly go to a doctor or clinic and get yourself a piece of mind all clear from them, then...well a little white lie to massage their ego really wouldn't hurt anyone and no-one need feel bad.
Your past is your past and was (hopefully) and enjoyable time without any ill effects, so no harm done...I would say many MANY people err on the side of caution wrt the number of sexual partners they have had when discussing it with their current OH.

GangstersLoveToDance Fri 27-Sep-13 11:19:32

I find it bizarre that you would refuse to discuss something like this. I can't imagine a serious relationship where you wouldn't. It's about trust IMO.

I also find it weird how many women seem to think it's some sort of badge of honour to bandy about how high their number is and how many randoms they've shagged for fun. Sex is such an intimate thing (and I mean physically, not in the lovey-dovey sense). I am by no means a prude but the thought of shagging about so much you can't even remember names or numbers makes me feel a bit Ill. have a small amount of respect for you body for goodness sake and buy yourself a decent shower head if you're that desperate. It may be your body but there's no pride to be found in sharing it with everyone.

waterlego Fri 27-Sep-13 11:27:59

Gosh Gangsters, that's very judgey. Just because it makes you feel ill, doesn't mean other people should stop doing it and just buy a decent shower head. FWIW, I am not one of 'those' people you speak of, but I find it strange that some people can be so judgemental about others' sex lives. It's baffling. confused

waterlego Fri 27-Sep-13 11:28:57

And do you only find it weird when women seem think it's some sort of badge of honour, or does that apply to men aswell?

I also find it weird how many women seem to think it's some sort of badge of honour to bandy about how high their number is and how many randoms they've shagged for fun

But it's different for men, is it?

waterlego Fri 27-Sep-13 11:31:51

I just don't see how pride and 'respect for your body' come into the equation. Some people may choose to 'share' their body with others, for mutual enjoyment and fun; pride or shame need not be part of it at all.

GangstersLoveToDance Fri 27-Sep-13 11:32:16

I've said 'women' because of the amount of posts on this thread...by women.

I would say the same of men. It's ick.

TurnipCake Fri 27-Sep-13 11:32:48

It's none of anyone's business.

And I checked with a hand-mirror just now, but can't find my moral compass anywhere between my legs. Anyone who has should consult their GP smile

GangstersLoveToDance Fri 27-Sep-13 11:35:45

Tbh i suppose it makes me cringe more when women wear it like a badge because it's always faintly reminiscent of Sex and the City and the whole 'wow, look how cool and brave and wild I am' attempted persona. It screams a bit of desperation to me, which is sad.

If you like to have multiple partners, why tell everyone anyway? Kind of unnecessary.

RinseAndRepeat Fri 27-Sep-13 11:43:12

DP and I haven't really gone into much detail about our histories. We've shared our sexual horror stories for a laugh but I've not sat down and written him a list.

When we first started dating we both went for full sexual health screenings as 'due diligence'.

waterlego Fri 27-Sep-13 11:44:45

What makes you think that people who have had multiple partners tell everybody about it? Some do, some don't.

I honestly don't think women who have had a lot of partners are doing so in order to emulate the characters in Sex and the City. What a strange theory.

Some women and some men like to have lots of sex with a variety of different people. It's really not any more complicated than that. I feel that you are imposing your own feelings about sex with multiple partners onto others. You find the thought distasteful, that's fine, you don't have to do it.

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 11:47:01

Sometimes I just like to say "lady"

I just hear "I'm a Laaaaaydee" grin

GangstersLoveToDance Fri 27-Sep-13 11:53:39

How exactly am I imposing my own theories?

These are just words...I'm not standing outside the GUM clinic with a placard encouraging chastity hmm

Why is it fine for some to post that they've slept with xx men and love random sex with plenty of partners, with words such as 'Victorian' thrown in for anyone not of that mindset ...but not for anyone to say that they find that mindset distasteful and would prefer to be more select with who they share their body with?

Latara Fri 27-Sep-13 11:59:16

I don't think you should have to tell your DP or anyone else the number if you don't want to.

BTW I went on a date recently and got questioned on: when I last had sex, when I last had a boyfriend and other personal stuff - nosy or what!
I didn't share the info and it was obvious he was only looking for an FB whereas I want a proper boyfriend.
I'm wondering now if I should've just had fun with him, but my self-esteem is a bit too low at the moment.

SoupDragon Fri 27-Sep-13 12:00:06

Why is it fine for some to post that they've slept with xx men and love random sex with plenty of partners, with words such as 'Victorian' thrown in for anyone not of that mindset

It was me who threw the word Victorian in because the poster was making a huge negative judgement. Having differing opinions is fine.

As an aside, you'll note I've given nothing away about the number of sexual partners I've had, so you can't judge my comments on that.

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 27-Sep-13 12:01:06

Good grief Gangsters, DH and I have managed to stay married for over 20 years without discussing this. I am now heartbroken to discover this isnt a serious relationship!

Gangsters, it has only been you putting a judgement on other people's behaviour. The fact that you use "mindset" again shows that you a type casting having multiple partners.

If my DH hadn't of died if cancer, we would be together into old age, again if my ex hadn't if been abusive, I would still want to be in a relationship.

I don't want a relationship, I am still recovering, as I was after my loss, I would like a sex life, though.

That doesn't mean I have any "mindset" it means I have a natural urge to meet, if I am dishonest in any way, or makes a choice that isn't in the best interests of my children, that shows what my morals are, not whether I have another person with me when I organism.

I would except a bad relationship ever again.

FWIW, the Victorians had lots of sex.

Latara Fri 27-Sep-13 12:28:28

Haha the Victorians did have lots of sex; one of my ggfathers had 22 children by 2 different women! (sadly almost half died very young). The other Victorian ancestors had lots of children too.
So yes, Victorians had lots of sex and not much contraception.

ThisWayForCrazy Fri 27-Sep-13 12:39:24

I've never asked my husband and he's never asked me. I don't care, as long as there are no hidden children and no stds! Could be 1000s for all I care.

ThisWayForCrazy Fri 27-Sep-13 12:39:27

I've never asked my husband and he's never asked me. I don't care, as long as there are no hidden children and no stds! Could be 1000s for all I care.

Pendeen Fri 27-Sep-13 12:43:43

This thread is depressing.

I should know by now from reading MN for a year or so and therefore not be surprised but I find some of the comments on here truly odd and in a couple of cases actually quite startling as well.

Some contributors have already asked (but then irritatingly gone on to offer their own answers) and I haven't read - or may have missed - a reply from the OP but, do you (OP) actually know why he is asking the question? To me this seems very important and if I were the one being asked it would be the first thing I would want to know before replying.

It may be that he cannot - or will not - articulate his reasons in any detail but some explanation is fundamental to this situation which has not only caused you concern but has also generated a great deal of opinion and criticism on here.

MissAntithetic Fri 27-Sep-13 13:28:46

Dp and I haven't discussed the exact number. He knew me when I was younger so he knows I'm not a pure virgin. Likewise him.

We both had sexual health checks before throwing condoms away.

It doesn't bother me but its private information.

Mojavewonderer Fri 27-Sep-13 13:48:11

It's got nothing to do with him so YANBU. He can ask but you don't have disclose unless you wanted to.
My husband told me pretty early on how many but I never asked an nor do I care. In fact I don't actually remember how many he said now but to be fair I haven't counted mine so I couldn't tell him even if I knew ;)

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 14:12:32

Hmm, I do agree with what some of Gansgster is saying actually

because women are more liberated and people in general are more promiscuous than they used to be a couple of generations ago, there IS a tendency for some people to sneer at those who for whatever reason DO NOT choose the same lifestyle.

If neither partner is bothered about the past and they don't need to ask such a question, then fine, of course you can stay happily together for many years like this.

What I do find sad is that some people do want/need to have an idea about these things, but their partners/prospective partners have the "its none of your business" attitude - which is wrong IMO- a relationship should be based on honesty and openness - if someone wanted to know had you ever done drugs, had a driving fine, been in debt, then surely you would tell the truth? so why is there a problem discussing your past sexual history with someone you are in/about to begin a relationship with? I cannot imagine any question/topic that DH and I could not discuss honestly and openly.

fll28 Fri 27-Sep-13 14:42:46

Wow so many replies!

To answer some of the questions asked

I dont know why he is asking. I assume he is just curious rather than anything more. It is something that has come up maybe 3 times in 5 years so it is not something he is constantly going on about.

Im not worried about having anything I have been tested in the past and was all ok.

He has disclosed his number in the past and it was considerably lower than mine. That is part of the reason I havent wanted to say mine as I tend to agree with one of the posters that it can be an issue if his number is lower.

Maybe I would be more willing to share if it was a similar number to him. I dont really know

RinseAndRepeat Fri 27-Sep-13 14:52:11

Well your private sexual history is not really anyone's business. But I also don't see that it's that big of a deal, so you might as well tell him any old number. He's hardly going to be able to check.

I admit I've asked DP what his 'number' is before. For no other reason than sheer nosiness.

fll28 Fri 27-Sep-13 15:00:23

And did he answer? Did he then ask you?

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 16:13:51

I think you should pay attention to your instinctive reluctance to not disclose information that might be used against you

What do you think to that ?

complexnumber Fri 27-Sep-13 16:18:11

YANBU, but you can tell us.

We shan't judge at all.

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 16:28:34

I usually agree with AF on most things but in this case, I think OPs "reluctance" might also be used against her, and can only do harm to the relationship - he wants to know, feels he needs to know - does he not deserve honesty?

However, only OP knows what he is really like and how he might take the truth - I am speaking purely in relation to me and DH - either
of us would be hurt if the other would not talk about something. Neither of us would use any info negatively against the other, in any way.

OP, are you open in other ways eg discussing technique/position/what does or does not work for you? is he leading up to requesting something and this is why he wants to know more about your history?

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 16:50:41

Why does he deserve to know how many men she has shagged. If he trusts her to be free of STIs and hidden children it is absolutely nothing to do with him

It isn't about honesty. If I was asked, I wouldn't lie. I would simply say you don't need to know, it doesn't affect you in any way

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 16:52:20

Any decent person would not then keep asking, and if they did I would not believe they had a harmless motive for doing so

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 16:56:53

but how can you fully, properly, feel you can "100% trust" someone who is wilfully withholding something from you, I really don't get it.

take the countless threads of late about wives being suspicious of a DH/DPs texting or emailing history......everyone tells them they have the right to know and if he wont fess up, there's definitely something dodgy going on with an OW. I really do not see how this is different. They would be told in no uncertain terms not to accept the "its no concern of yours" line.

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 16:59:28

why should he believe she has a harmless motive for NOT telling, then? surely any decent person does not with hold info from a partner.

He might feel he needs to know.

But he doesn't need to know at all. Why does he need to know? It has absolutely no bearing on him.

I don't get why he needs to know. What If he asks - who had the biggest? Who did it the most? Who had the best technique? Really, you think anyone who chooses not to divulge is being dishonest? I call it being discrete(sp?)

Gossipmonster Fri 27-Sep-13 17:33:44

Neither of us can remember grin

RaspberryRuffle Fri 27-Sep-13 17:34:42

Phantom, you said "Hmm, I do agree with what some of Gansgster is saying actually

because women are more liberated and people in general are more promiscuous than they used to be a couple of generations ago, there IS a tendency for some people to sneer at those who for whatever reason DO NOT choose the same lifestyle."...
when Gangster has already said "I am by no means a prude but the thought of shagging about so much you can't even remember names or numbers makes me feel a bit Ill. have a small amount of respect for you body for goodness sake and buy yourself a decent shower head if you're that desperate. It may be your body but there's no pride to be found in sharing it with everyone."

It is not only liberated or "promiscuous" women sneering at others who DO NOT choose the same lifestyle.

I don't know how many people DH has had sex with/made love to/fucked/fumbled with and I don't care either. It's none of my business.

Crowler Fri 27-Sep-13 17:51:38

I met my husband about 13 years ago. He was very serious about me, a bit more possessive & jealous than my previous boyfriend (I really liked that) and wanted to know my number. I pulled a number out of thin air, halved it, and presented it to him.

In the years interceding, I've become far more of an ardent feminist, more comfortable in my own skin, and today I would tell a man to fuck off (in so many words) if he asked me this. However, the die is cast and I must stand by my number where my husband is concerned. Not that it really matters anymore.

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 18:25:04

Phantom, you are not comparing like with like

Having the right to know what is happening in a current relationship, right now, is very different to insisting you need to know the details of stuff that happened before you even met someone

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 18:30:43

Phantom, go read the thread in relationships entitled "need some serious advice" and come back and tell us if anyone has the "right" to insist on knowing someone's sexual history

PunkHedgehog Fri 27-Sep-13 18:33:15

"how can you fully, properly, feel you can "100% trust" someone who is wilfully withholding something from you"

Do you tell your partner absolutely everything - the colour of your snot each time you blow your nose, how many times you wet yourself when you were five, the number of postboxes you walked past in 1996? There are plenty of things that people 'withhold' from each other - not because of shame, not because it's wrong, simply because it's not relevant.

"take the countless threads of late about wives being suspicious of a DH/DPs texting or emailing"

Doing something in a relationship is not the same as doing something before a relationship. This should not be a difficult concept to grasp.

As for the health argument, 'how many?' is a useless question for that. You could have slept with 500 perfectly healthy people, or with only 1 who had every disease known to modern medicine and a few they've not discovered yet. If you want to know for health reasons then the only relevant numbers are 0 and not0 - and even then quite a few 'sexually' transmitted diseases (HPV, HIV, hepatitis etc) can also be caught in other ways.

And finally the 'it makes me feel ill therefore it's wrong' idea - plenty of things make me feel ill: the squeak of polystyrene and the idea of sticking my hand in other people's mouths for a living, for example. It doesn't mean that dentists and people who design, manufacture and assemble the packaging for televisions are all morally bankrupt.

CatAmongThePigeons Fri 27-Sep-13 18:36:18

YANBU, I've told my husband the rough figure (lost count) and he told me, there was no pressure on either side and there should be no pressure to disclose anything about your history pre DH unless it would negatively effect him.

soontobeburns Fri 27-Sep-13 18:53:14

I just wouldn't lie. When me and my OH exchanged nunbers he upped his amount. He also when during conversations talked about sex he had etc.

It waa only after a year I realised the number and his exploits where made up as he was embrassed by his low number and me having a higher one.

It made me feel like he couldnt trust me and like I didn't know him when I found this out and made a bigger issue out of it, than if he just had admitted 2 as his number.

So yes dont tell him if you dont want to but just don't lie about the number if you do decide to tell him.

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 19:01:05

Look at the totally pointless arguments and bad feeling this can cause....for what ? confused

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 27-Sep-13 19:05:08

If anybody asked me,I would very politely tell them that I have a right to privacy as do they and that personal situations before I met them are not open to conversation.

They can infer from that anything they want fwiw they would more than likely be wrong.

If you really would have no concerns then its not something you need to know.

Health wise you could have sex with one person who has say 7 sexual transmitted infections and not have had sex with anybody else ever or you could have sex with 237 people with no sti's.the person who only had sex with one person is more likely to have an infection.

Just get checked before you go unprotected.

fll28 Sat 28-Sep-13 05:51:19

Complexnumber:

lol ok I will tell you.

1, 7, 16, 27, 38, 50 something, 70 something, 100, 2000

There you go it is one of them.

I am not falling for your tricks lol

fll28 Sat 28-Sep-13 05:53:42

Phantom:

No we normally are ok talking about what we like. He knows what is on and off the table

MrsKoala Sat 28-Sep-13 06:53:33

I think if its an issue for someone they ask before you are married/have been together long. People i know who it bothers ask very early on - which is handy because it means you can fuck them off before wasting any more time. I would be surprised now if dh asked after 4 years and a child together. I wonder where the relevance of the question came from? Sorry if i missed it OP but how long have you been together? why do you think this is relevant to your DH now? What's his number? is yours vastly different?

Personally DH and i know ballpark numbers. But only because he was showing off one night by teasingly telling me what a prolific swordsman he had been. I guffawed (sexily of course) and informed him his number was about a third of mine. That took the wind out of his sails - but only in a fun way. I would find it hard to be with someone who would judge anyone on something as arbitrary as this. Also the fact that we met in a pub and had sex 5 times before we even really knew each others names means he would be a massive hypocrite, and i fucking hate those.

Apparently my Dad asked my Mum when they first met and she said none of your fucking business. Which was quite wise really, because he was the type of nob who made her burn all her photos of life before him - despite him having been married and had a baby.

DropYourSword Sat 28-Sep-13 07:09:53

I think it's totally irrelevant. Me and DH don't know eachother's numbers. It's all in the past, can't be undone, and makes you the person you are today.

Lazyjaney Sat 28-Sep-13 09:37:53

YANBU, but its also NBU to not want a relationship with someone who avoided the subject.

festered Sat 28-Sep-13 14:31:03

Me and mine know everything about one another's sexual history, and enjoy exchanging tales about it.

He has slept with hundreds of women before me, unlike me who's pretty virginal in comparison. We laugh about it.

Each to their own-if you can build a good relationship without disclosing your past then kudos . I couldn't , though. I like my partner to know me inside out (literally!) lol.

As for STIs, well as unsexy as it may be, go for tests before you sleep together unless you're 100% sure about one another. And remember that it only takes one partner to catch something , with some STIs you'd be in the minority to not have as opposed to having them.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 28-Sep-13 15:51:29

I know my husband's magic number and he knows mine, what's the problem? We probably talked about it very early in our relationship and it would have just come up in conversation. Humans are just curious creatures, nothing wrong with that.

It is just sex, asking how many people you have slept with, not how many people you have murdered grin. I don't see what the issue is to be honest.

fll28 Sat 28-Sep-13 21:11:35

MrsKoala - we have been together over 5 years. Not sure why he is asking. I did say in one of my replies that he has asked probably 3 times in 5 years. To be fair it tends to be in reaction to something - one of the times was when we watched the film 'whats your number' for example.

Yes our numbers are dradtically different. His is single figures I know that.

It's an odd question to ask at any time, but especially after 5 years together. Why does it matter to him now?

EBearhug Sat 28-Sep-13 22:12:17

I wouldn't be bothered about the numbers - I'm in my 40s, and I expect most people to have some history by now (though I do know some who haven't.) I would want to have some idea of their views on sexuality, how they feel about about porn and so on. They'd also need to be okay with the idea that some of the men I've been with are still in my life - one of my closest friends was my first boyfriend for some years till my mid-20s, for example, and I have past sexual history with another couple of friends. But it's also past history, not current.

I would want to know that they'd had STI tests before we were together, but you don't have to have slept with 100 different people to pick up an infection, so the numbers aren't actually relevant.

Thants Sat 28-Sep-13 22:16:37

I don't think you have to tell him but I don't understand why you wouldn't. It's a part of you and your history so most partners would want to know everything about you sexual or on general. Has he told you?

Pendeen Sat 28-Sep-13 23:39:45

The fundamental question is still unanswered. Why does he want to know?

Various contributors assuming a reason and others dismissing his curiosity as not relevant or not acceptable are all missing the essential point here.

As I said earlier, for several reasons this thread is depressing but also surprising, some of you do have the most odd ideas.

OP, dare you ask him to explain why he wants to know?

fll28 Sun 29-Sep-13 07:19:07

Pendeen - I dont want to raise the subject with him but you are right if or when he asks again I should ask him why he wants to know. As I said before I think it is just curiosity.

jasminerose Sun 29-Sep-13 07:22:17

My husband knows, but he knows everything about me as we are very close.

mydoorisalwaysopen Sun 29-Sep-13 07:36:34

My husband wouldn't tell me his tally - I suspect he can't remember. When I did accidentally discover he had slept with quite a few people we used to socialize with it made me feel different about spending time with those people. If there are particular people you wouldn't want him to know about or you suspect your tally would disturb him, i'd say carry on being vague. The important thing is being faithful to each other and not putting each other at risk.

jasminerose Sun 29-Sep-13 07:38:42

I dont care if I know them I have met people hes shagged, hes good friends now with people Ive shagged. We both know each others numbers, we have even discussed who was good who was shit. I think it depends how secure you are in yourself.

Rhythmisadancer Sun 29-Sep-13 22:21:44

Honey, I picked you out of thousands, you're the best

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