AIBU to be suspicious about late night phone call?

(57 Posts)
AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 00:45:02

I can't work out if I am being a paranoid idiot so need some opinions on what you would think/do if you were in my shoes...

After a argument via phone in which my boyfriend (of 8 years) said some hurtful things to me, he came over to apologise and stay the night. We were lying in bed when at 10pm his mobile started to ring. He practically leapt out of bed to turn it off. I asked him why he didn't answer it and he claimed he is constantly getting unsolicited calls from salespeople and the like. I'd seen the number on the screen and it was a mobile number i.e. no name attached to it.

I've got a niggling doubt about this as:
1) He has kids and therefore never turns his phone off in case of some child-related emergency. In which case surely you'd answer an unexpected call?
2) Do people really get calls like that so late in the evening? He showed me some PPI related text to prove his point - well yes I get texts like that but not late night phone calls so I didn't see how that helped explain things.
3) He cheated on me in the early days of our relationship - I forgave him because we were going through a rocky patch, and I'm a bloody doormat

I wish I could talk it through with a friend but don't really want to sour their opinions of him if it's just a daft paranoia trip sad

ShakeRattleNRoll Fri 27-Sep-13 01:13:49

Oh dear thats not a nice situation and i hate to say this but I would listen to your instincts.It sounds like a load of old BS that he won't answer this call

NatashaBee Fri 27-Sep-13 01:17:27

I'd trust your gut, personally.

AlfalfaMum Fri 27-Sep-13 01:20:02

No, people don't get calls like that late at night.
The saying hurtful things, is that's new thing? Either way, it's shitty, but if it's a new thing then that would be another thing to be suspicious about. Suddenly being horrible, escalating arguments.. hmm

Also, don't be a doormat!

fabergeegg Fri 27-Sep-13 01:20:06

explain you're struggling with it and ask to call the number.

fabergeegg Fri 27-Sep-13 01:20:33

if it was not suspicious surely he would have offered this?

AlfalfaMum Fri 27-Sep-13 01:21:09

is that a new thing, that should have said.

BOF Fri 27-Sep-13 01:21:57

I rather suspect he's talking shite, sorry. I get loads of spam calls, but never that late.

HooverFairy Fri 27-Sep-13 01:31:53

Of course, he could be entirely innocent here but I know what my instincts would be telling me...

Be honest with yourself: you had an argument with him and he said hurtful things; did he instigate the argument? Did he overreact? Does he say hurtful things often or is it just when he is usually in the wrong? Often, when someone has done something wrong they defend themselves by attacking and turning things around to make you feel guilty. The next time it happens you have already convinced yourself that it was your fault the last time so you won't be accusing/upsetting/disagreeing again. In other words, emotional abuse. I realise your post was about the phonecall but this sounds like a familiar situation that I had for about 10 years of an 11 year relationship. It was your reference to the hurtful things he said that got me thinking.

Yes, a phonecall from a mobile number at that time of night is unusual unless you know the caller. But it's his behaviour which is ringing alarm bells for me. Your course of action depends entirely on the type of relationship you have. If he lies to you, he'll lie about this and (despite what most people think) will probably never admit to doing anything wrong. On the other hand, you could check his phone- but I truly believe that if you feel the need to do this to find the truth then you know in your heart that the relationship is in trouble. Once you've done this, I don't think you can go back. Checking the phone is confirmation, not the deal breaker.

Perhaps it's nothing, but perhaps it is. If he's acting shady about it then he's most likely hiding something. You seem to think this is a paranoia trip but why would you think that? When you react to suspicious behaviour, it's not paranoia but you've obviously been taught that it is, somewhere along the line.

FYI - if you go through his phone, check the contacts for anyone saved as 'withheld' or 'no number'. That gave me all the info I needed! But once you decide to go through the phone you decide that the relationship is finished, because trust has been broken.

Seriously OP, I hope this is just a misunderstanding, but you sound like you've had your self esteem battered.

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 01:54:26

Hmm my instinct is saying it's not right and it sounds like you all agree.

I'd like to have proof and at the time I wanted to grab his phone and call the number back - instead I stormed out of the room raging with anger.

The initial argument came after I'd spent a lovely weekend with an old friend. On getting back home he rang me with a monosyllabic "conversation", when I pressed him on what was wrong he said he thought we needed to talk as he'd had a great weekend without me and "didn't miss me at all".

I have to say I don't go off places for 48 hours expecting to be missed, but I definitely don't expect someone I'm in a relationship with to find it necessary to say that. This type of behaviour has been pretty typical whenever I have a nice time without him - I suppose it's weird jealousy/insecurity on his part.

MrsWilliamBodie Fri 27-Sep-13 02:10:46

Don't you think you deserve better than this attention-seeking, potentially cheating, man-child? I think you do.

DaleyBump Fri 27-Sep-13 02:22:34

I just want to say, I once got a phonecall from PPI people at half four in the morning. That said, the number was obviously a company and ended up being an Indian call centre.

Saying that, it does seem suspicious. Trust your gut. Best of luck to you, I do hope it's nothing.

ButterMyArse Fri 27-Sep-13 02:38:22

What MrsWilliam said. The guy sounds like a tool. Does he have any redeeming features?

WhiteandGreen Fri 27-Sep-13 02:43:31

Sounds to me like he's found someone else, but is dithering.

EBearhug Fri 27-Sep-13 02:47:59

When I've had a PPI call, the number is usually listed online if you google - there are various lists of numbers marked as nuisance calls. Although if it isn't listed, that isn't proof it wasn't a PPI call.

AdoraBell Fri 27-Sep-13 03:02:13

Even without the phone call I think you have a problem.

The "didn't miss you at all" comment after you had a nice weekend sounds like punishment to my mind. How daré you have a nice time without him? He'll show you, huh didn't miss you at all.

You say he has kids, do you know why the relationship with their mother didn't last?

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 03:23:46

Too much too young apparently AdoraBell. They can barely get through a child handover without it turning into a snide-fest now.

We've had some really good times over the past 8 years Butter, despite the above oddness he can be very kind and caring, which makes it difficult to end it all on a gut feeling.

I'd better get some sleep and try to work out what to do next.

Thanks for your help everyone.

BinarySolo Fri 27-Sep-13 03:32:46

I think I'd dump him for the not missing you comment alone. What a complete turd. I know it's difficult to leave such a long term relationship but honestly, find someone who cherishes and values you.

I was with someone who treated me with indifference for 9 years. Best thing I ever did was leave.

MariaLuna Fri 27-Sep-13 04:07:17

The fact that he jumped out of bed for that phone call would make me suspicious.

Have only had spam calls from India during the day.

Only an emergency would make you jump out of the bed in the night.

What is he not telling you?

Quite frankly, if I were laying my life down for a relationship with a man and he was acting like that, I would check his phone.

Not honest, I know, but then, this is your life and future.... sorry.

I have just dumped a relationship of 8 years. It was all screaming at me, but I had my fingers in my ears LaLaLa, don't want to hear, till I got wise....

Not saying that's you, just saying don't be a fool like me... smile

Hope for you it's nothing... just, trust your instincts/intuition.

What kind of partner tells you they didn't miss you hmm That's pretty shit. And it sounds like he's met someone else. Sorry thanks

Seriously, trust your gut. If he wouldn't offer up his call log to prove he's not lying I wouldn't waste another second.

Crowler Fri 27-Sep-13 06:35:00

If someone is being cagey with their phone, that's a pretty good sign they're up to something.

StuntGirl Fri 27-Sep-13 07:13:25

I have found gut instincts are not often wrong.

But forget the phone...his attitude towards you otherwise should be sending alarm bells ringing anyway. This is not a man who loves and cares for you.

ApplesinmyPocket Fri 27-Sep-13 07:57:11

I'm all for having a go at making a relationship work if it's a question of a bit of give and take on both sides over minor issues - but "didn't miss you at all"? That is plain nasty, poor OP, I'm angry for you.

You can't waste any more of your precious life on a man who could speak to you like that. He should be making you feel loved, and wanted.

elcranko Fri 27-Sep-13 09:37:53

The 'not missing you' thing is shitty. Why on earth would he say that to you unless he wanted to hurt you?
I've had spam calls from mobile numbers before, never late at night though as far as I can recall.

Calloh Fri 27-Sep-13 10:05:13

He probably wanted to hurt you because he wanted you to be missing him or something and is feeling insecure. He called you because he wanted to hear that you'd been missing him. I don't know. It's not great behaviour and very mean to say he didn't miss you at all.

He should let you know the number and let you call. He shouldn't want you to feel suspicious. If my husband wanted to check a number once (I screwed up and cheated in the past long time ago)I would be horrified that he was feeling insecure and want him to reassure himself. Obviously I would not be alright with it if it happened constantly and he clearly has trouble believing me.

Say you are worried, you want reassurance, can he let you have the number to check, try and be near the phone at the time to stop him deleting call list.

I agree that PPI don't call late at night.

If it is an innocent phone call though I would forgive him. We all say dick like things sometimes and he did actually come over to apologise and make sure you are ok.

TheTruffleHunter Fri 27-Sep-13 10:13:34

You've been dating for 8 years and living together doesn't even appear to be on the table... What do you really want from a relationship?

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 12:38:50

I like my own space Truffle, co-habiting doesn't appeal even when things are going well. Quite a lot of people find that strange but it's just the way I feel. It's not been an issue for us, we still see each other pretty much every day.

I'm going to have to speak to him tonight and explain how I am feeling about the phone call and the shitty behaviour. As much as I resent having to turn into bloody Columbo to find out whether he is cheating, I think I'm going to have to ask him for the number so I can call it and put my mind at rest (or not) on that score. I suspect he'll tell me the number is now deleted in which case I'm going to ask him to log-in to his phone account and show me the records there. How bloody ridiculous.

Ledkr Fri 27-Sep-13 13:24:48

I don't blame you.
To me if you are committed to someone you don't mind proving something to make them feel reassured, especially after what he's said.
I hope it's nothing bad though

Nancy66 Fri 27-Sep-13 13:36:43

Alison - why bother though?

That phone call was dodgy. I'll put my money on it. But there's no way he will admit it, he'll turn it around on you. You're mad, you're obsessive, you're paranoid.

If you think he's cheating and he prob is as he's done it before then why offer him the chance to justify it?

YouHaveAGoodPoint Fri 27-Sep-13 13:40:04

I also would bother with the phone call. He would never admit if it were dodgy. I would address his nasty comments though.

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 13:47:49

so the phone rang, and he did not answer it and said he did not know who it was - well, you know him and we don't - is he a liar? defensive?- I would be more concerned had he gone off on his own to return the call TBH, and would not say who it was.

OP, what do you do about the fact that he can phone/meet whoever he likes when you are not there - does that worry you too?

the comments about not even missing you are just horrible though - do you need to be with someone who thinks so little of you?

EllaFitzgerald Fri 27-Sep-13 13:51:15

I definitely don't think you're being paranoid.

PPI people don't call at 10pm. And if it was just an ordinary mobile number, as you saw, then why wouldn't he answer it if he keeps his phone on because of his children? Why would he react so quickly if it was just a random call? It could be completely innocent, with a rational explanation, but his behaviour certainly isn't suggesting that.

As others have said, he's likely to deny it if he has done something wrong. But if you've reached the stage where he's being so horrible to you and you're suspicious of his behaviour, is this a relationship that makes you happy anymore?

Edendance Fri 27-Sep-13 14:00:21

It sounds like he's trying to push you away so you end it and he can possibly be with someone else... Sorry but I think your instinct is correct. And like others have said- the not missing you comment would be enough for me tbh.

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 14:07:31

I feel that finding out about the call will confirm whether he is cheating on me - that's really important for me to know for sure. He may well deny it, but the phone records will confirm whether it was an actual person that he's been regularly in touch with.

He apologised for the comment, and I'd accepted the apology, but then the phone call happened later that day which made me re-think what he'd said to me. He only came to see me that night because I'd been upset about the comment - now I'm thinking he is seeing someone else, he'd decided he "didn't miss" me and therefore wouldn't see me that night, whoever he is seeing therefore expected him to be home and called him.

In case you haven't guessed I'm a total overthinker! A trait that makes it hard for me to separate the obvious from the imagined, which is why I ended up posting on mumsnet - I'm pleased I did it's helped show me I'm not being completely daft.

Finola1step Fri 27-Sep-13 14:18:00

Sounds like there is another woman in this relationship in some shape or form. He could be doing the old testing the waters with new woman but won't dump you yet just in case the grass isn't as green or the sex with her is a bit shit . Sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like he's putting you on the back burner and maybe even trying to make it easier for himself by getting you to dump him.

TheTruffleHunter Fri 27-Sep-13 14:20:35

Just a thought - if it is dodgy and someone known to him then surely he would have the number saved somewhere, even if it was saved as 'Dave'

MissStrawberry Fri 27-Sep-13 14:26:21

Did you see the first few digits? I have been getting junk calls and they all start 0700 though I have had one starting 0843.

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 14:48:07

I've spoken to him on the phone and explained how I am feeling and my suspicions. He says he understands why I feel like that but that he loves me and doesn't want our relationship to end. He's denied that there is someone else. I've not mentioned about seeing phone records yet, I'll do that in person and ask him to log-in to his account when I am there.

I see what you mean truffle but if I see that he called "Dave" on the day of our argument, or if "Dave" called him at 10pm that night - then him and "Dave" can live happily ever after together while I move on.

Just glanced at the number MissStrawberry - it looked like a normal mobile number to me, def not 0843.

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 14:50:12

Ah truffle now I really do see what you mean - yes I guess he would save a number under a name to make it look less dodgy. My Columbo act should get some answers anyway.

bedhaven Fri 27-Sep-13 15:38:09

It's against telecommunication regulations for any call centre to call that late so highly unlikely to be one.

YouHaveAGoodPoint Fri 27-Sep-13 16:54:46

bedhevan. Unfortunately, some companies that are based overseas still call in the middle of the night so technically it is still possible it was a spam call.
I recently had a run of middle of the night calls from an Indian call centre. sad

MikeOxard Fri 27-Sep-13 17:13:24

Tbh I would ditch him anyway from the relationship and behaviour you describe, it sounds shit tbh. X

MissStrawberry Fri 27-Sep-13 17:20:04

If it was a cold caller you can put it in google and it will tell you.

loopylou6 Fri 27-Sep-13 17:25:21

trust your instinct. his not missing you comment would be a deal breaker tbh.

MammaTJ Fri 27-Sep-13 17:30:26

When my exH was cheating he did not store the OWs number on his phone at all! I think he rang and text her so much he knew it off by heart!

pleasesleepallnight Fri 27-Sep-13 17:31:59

I work in a call centre for a large, well known company and in occasion make outgoing calls to customers. We are not allowed to call before 10am or after 8pm and I'm pretty sure these are OFCOM regs so I'd be surprised if it was a telesales call that late at night.

Rooners Fri 27-Sep-13 17:36:36

You don't need to are quite within your rights to assume he is being an unfaithful twat. You'll never get the truth out of him anyway and does it matter? He is clearly lying, well I think so anyway - sorry. It is such classic behaviour and he's not even trying to pretend he cares about you.

I think he is doing the thing of making you angry, starting rows, being hurtful, in the hope you leave him and then he has got away with not being shouted at for dumping you.

Strange logic but very common. What an arsehole. I'd just pack his stuff (if there is any) and bung it on the doorstep and tell him to get to fuck. Refuse to even discuss it.

There's no rule that says you have to give this jerk another minute of your life.

Rooners Fri 27-Sep-13 17:37:28

Oh and then he gets to play victim to himself and to the OW.

Poor him <sob>

YouHaveAGoodPoint Fri 27-Sep-13 17:38:37

Uk companies and scammers are not allowed to make calls at night time but overseas ones ignore any legislation and can and do call.

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 18:14:09

Multiple phone calls later - I've told him that seeing the phone records will put my mind at rest.

- At first he said he understood.
- Then he said he doesn't have the log-in (I've said that he can arrange for another log-in).
- Then he said does it have to be done tonight as he is tired (Yes it does).
- Then he said he finds it very disappointing that I feel that is necessary.

I've got a headache from it all. I'm going to persist though.

captainmummy Fri 27-Sep-13 18:26:09

Sounds like evasion to me. sad

MissStrawberry Fri 27-Sep-13 18:32:46

If he cared he would indulge your need for reassurance. Why isn't he?

MammaTJ Fri 27-Sep-13 19:09:23

We could have predicted his reaction to your request!

Calloh Fri 27-Sep-13 19:25:28

It does sound a bit dodgy - and well done you for getting the bull by the horns. It is still possibly true what he is saying. Doubtful but possible.

If it were me and I didn't have the log-in and was tired I might be a bit like "Does it have to be tonight" however I think I would be so upset that my boyfriend was worried that I'd cheated i would immediately want to show him that it wasn't the case and reassure him etcetera. But the most positive reading on his "not missing you" comment is that he is insecure in your relationship and trying to hurt you to get you to prove your affection for him. If this were the case he may enjoy the anxiety this is causing you.

I think you are totally right to firmly insist he shows you the records tonight and sort it.

Calloh Fri 27-Sep-13 19:27:24

And if he is fucking with you that is also pretty really.

Actually forget that - however manipulative he is he can't manufacture a dodgy call.

I hope you get things sorted. thanks

AlfalfaMum Sat 28-Sep-13 00:17:21

So first what you ask is 'understandable'.
Then all of a sudden it's 'disappointing'. hmm

I reckon he's the one doing all the disappointing. Bet you can do better.

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