To have organised my daughters birthday in this way?

(271 Posts)
JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:14:44

My 6 year old wanted a party with themed crafts for the girls and then a bouncy castle with the boys. Rather than having the boys waiting around/distracting from the crafts (can't afford to do crafts for boys and girls particularly as the boys in question very likely wouldn't be interested in crafts) I sent the invitations with different arrival times for boys and girls. The girls get 1.5 hours to do the girly things, then the boys join them for the remaining 2 hours of the party for food, games and the bouncy castle. No one that's invited has a boy and girl to bring, so it doesn't make life difficult for anyone. However, one of the boys mums has commented that he'll be 'upset' that he didn't get to be there for the whole party. AIBU in doing this?
Also, my daughter handed out the invitations at the end of the school day and they were a bit different to usual invitations (not just your standard envelope) and two of her classmates were crying because they hadn't received one. There are 30 children in my daughters class so no way I could afford to invite them all, my dd had written a list of who she wanted to invite based on who she plays with. Neither of the crying children had invited dd to their party, yet their mums both gave me filthy looks and were making a big deal of consoling them. First of all I felt bad and that maybe I should've made more effort to hand the invitations to the mums of invited children discreetly, but then dd pointed out that she didn't cry when she wasn't invited to their parties, and 'they've got to understand they can't have everything in life at some point'. These children had handed out their invitations at school too. AIBU for doing this and thinking the dirty looks aren't justified?

GoofyIsACow Thu 26-Sep-13 14:16:29

Wow, parties are hideous enough with the politics and stuff, you have just added a whole heap of sexist generalisation into the mix, obviously it is your choice but my opinion is YABU.

WhoNickedMyName Thu 26-Sep-13 14:16:48

This is the weirdest party I've heard of. Are you giving out pink and blue party bags too?

And if you left just 2 children out of a class of 30, that's really mean.

JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:17:34

No didn't just leave 2 out, 18 were invited.

Re boy and girl thing, can't see a problem with that.

So, out of 30 kids you invited 28 or did I read that wrong?? If you only left 2 kids out then I think YABU, esp giving out the invites at school. To be honest, I don't get the hysteria about birthday invites and some people do get het up over it but really, just leaving out 2 kids seems a bit mean! If you left quite a few out though and just those 2 took offence then no, YANBU!!

ben5 Thu 26-Sep-13 14:18:45

You sound like you have a wonderful daughter. The kids who cried have to learn they can't be invited to everyone's birthday. I think it sounds a great idea. Hope she has a wonderful day

YABU to split the party up. Why shouldnt boys do crafts and girls get to play on the bouncy castle - very weird!

ok cross posted, then no, ignore the dirty looks! smile

WilsonFrickett Thu 26-Sep-13 14:19:31

Is this for real? Or have I fallen through a wormhole back to the 1950s?

Balaboosta Thu 26-Sep-13 14:19:31

Welc

rubyslippers Thu 26-Sep-13 14:20:00

this has to be a wind up???

segregated birthday activities based on the gender of the children

jeeeez

SoupDragon Thu 26-Sep-13 14:20:07

So the boys are second rate guests who are only invited to half the party? confused

And you didn't discreetly hand out your ostentatious invites to a non-whole-class party?

Sparklymommy Thu 26-Sep-13 14:20:20

Oh the "why didn't my child get an invite" look! My dd at the age of nine had a disco and invited 60 (yes, I was MAD) children but we STILL had a couple of upset children because they didn't receive an invite.

However the children in question are not my dds friends, and had been particularly nasty that term. I just brushed it off!

As for two start times, well I think it's a little unusual but if there are other boys being invited and coming at that time then I really don't see the problem.

Balaboosta Thu 26-Sep-13 14:20:22

Oops. Sexist claptrap! Are you Edwardian?

JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:20:25

Girls still get to play on the bouncy castle! Crafts are wand and wing making etc. the boys would not be interested.

LeslieKnope Thu 26-Sep-13 14:20:57

Are the girls going to tidy up the aftermath of the party too while the boys retire to the drawing room for cigars and brandy??

hmm

Suzieismyname Thu 26-Sep-13 14:21:32

I think there were 2 crying from the ones that hadn't been invited. Well I hope. 28 out of 30 would be very inconsiderate.
op your DD sounds very grown up. Well done!

rubyslippers Thu 26-Sep-13 14:21:34

My DS would love to do any crafts at all

roweeena Thu 26-Sep-13 14:21:42

Just sounds shockingly sexist to me! Gender stereotyping on a ridiculous scale - why can't the boys do crafts?

YABU, this is weird.

As for leaving kids out, if you're not doing a whole class party then I reckon invite half or less.

TheVermiciousKnid Thu 26-Sep-13 14:22:37

Reverse?

My son would love to make a wand!

this is exactly my DD's birthday party - bouncy castle and craft, with some party games thrown in. Mix of boys and girls, for the whole party. The boys were far more studious than the girls when painting their sun catchers.

YABU in making such gender stereotyps

YANBU however about giving out invitations, children do need to understand they can't be invited to every party

Sparklymommy Thu 26-Sep-13 14:23:21

Could you not have done a craft that was unisex?

givemeaboost Thu 26-Sep-13 14:23:33

IMO the only way to do parties is a very small group of friends OR the entire class, inviting 18 and leaving the rest out is a bit crap imo. If you were going to do that I think you should of given the parents the invites not had them handed out in class and making it obvious there were a small group who were not invited!!

I agree with the crafts, my ds would love to do crafts, even "girly" ones, one of my dds would avoid it and just want to get on the bouncy castle.

JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:23:43

So for those saying its sexist - should DDs wishes of doing the crafty things with just her best friends then being joined by their classmates be ignored in the interest of sexual equality? It's her birthday, surely it's the one time she gets to choose what she would like to do?

whattodoo Thu 26-Sep-13 14:23:53

Blimey, you're going to need some redbullstamina to survive a 3.5hr 6yo party!

5madthings Thu 26-Sep-13 14:24:22

So the girls get to do both things and the boys just get to do one and you have decoded on the basis of gender that they will not like an activity and you think this is OK?!!

Ffs. I could scream in frustration, why do parents reinforce this kind of crap gender stereotyping?!! angry

I have a boy who lobes crafts, and bouncy castles, and it wouldn't be hard to lay on a craft activity for all, if you can't afford for them to all do both activities you shouldn't have invited so many!!!

cornflakegirl Thu 26-Sep-13 14:24:22

I wouldn't like the gender stereotyping - maybe the boy whose mum made a comment would really like to do the craft? But if handing out invitations at home time is normal, and your DD wasn't being mean to those who didn't get an invitation, then I wouldn't have a problem with that.

rubyslippers Thu 26-Sep-13 14:25:02

so choose crafts that all kids can do - but by the way boys can make wands and wings too

5madthings Thu 26-Sep-13 14:25:11

Yes she can choose what to do but you make sure this suitable for all those invited, you dotn just invite some kids to only half the party!!

VanitasVanitatum Thu 26-Sep-13 14:25:20

Don't you guys have 'girls nights out' at all? Or hen parties?! If op can only afford crafts for half the party and the boys wouldn't enjoy it (I'm sure op knows her dd's friends) then why is this such an issue?

WilsonFrickett Thu 26-Sep-13 14:25:34

If she wants to do crafts with just her best friends then that is the party. You don't have a second tier. Although tbh at 6 I would be - and have - put my foot down very firmly about gender segregation. I don't allow it with those numbers of children.

SoupDragon Thu 26-Sep-13 14:25:41

should DDs wishes of doing the crafty things with just her best friends then being joined by their classmates be ignored in the interest of sexual equality?

Yes. Your DD needs to be taught the social niceties of life by you. She isn't doing craft "with her best friends" she's doing it with just the girls.

BrianTheMole Thu 26-Sep-13 14:26:02

Are the girls going to tidy up the aftermath of the party too while the boys retire to the drawing room for cigars and brandy??

grin. sounds like it.

Squitten Thu 26-Sep-13 14:26:19

Not inviting the whole class is fine but you could at least display some tact and not flaunt the fact in front of the other children.

As a Mum of 2 sons, however, if you had invited my son and I found out that was the arrangement, he would not be coming. How sad for all the boys to arrive to a party in full-swing and realise they have missed out!

Bunch of utter sexist crap and you should be ashamed

TheOriginalSteamingNit Thu 26-Sep-13 14:26:33

I think that's a bit of a weird party, sorry. I'd have had both activities available at once, so anyone who didn't fancy wand-making could go for a bounce and vice versa.

SoupDragon Thu 26-Sep-13 14:26:53

Don't you guys have 'girls nights out' at all? Or hen parties?!

I used to yes. But I didn't then invite the men for a second tier of party later.

Stravy Thu 26-Sep-13 14:27:55

Sometimes you have to balance "It's my party and I'll do what I want" with "I won't exclude people with insanely outdated, and frankly offensive views on gender." Right now I think that you haven't quite got the balance right. My dd1 is having her 1st sleepover for her bday. She wants 3 friends and only wants 7 to her party. I am letting her have the sleepover, but only on a different day to the party because I don't think it's nice to tell 4 little girls that they are the 2nd tier of a party.

5madthings Thu 26-Sep-13 14:27:57

Inviting 18 out of 30 is fine btw, tho I try to keep it to half the class or less. And at our school invites get put in bookbags and parents tend to not look at them until out of the playground so its not so in your face if not all are invited. But as they get older they understand they can't and won't be invited to all parties, handign them out at the end of the day was fine (assuming you didn't make a big show of doing it!) smile

cornflakegirl Thu 26-Sep-13 14:28:28

If your DD wants to do crafty things with her best friends, why not do that on a separate day, with just her best friends, rather than all the girls?

Oh yes forgot Harry Potter didn't need wand and cloak. I find it is better to have boys and girls together. Some (dd2) loves blue, guts and gore, others (dd2's best friend - male) loves wands, fairies and pink.

Some children will be upset but there is nothing wrong with only inviting 18/30. If children make comments to my dc I tell them to say that they invited their friends who are friends all year.

So go on tell us about the 'bit different to usual' invites and how these differed by boys and girls, you know you want you.

BrianTheMole Thu 26-Sep-13 14:29:29

Don't you guys have 'girls nights out' at all? Or hen parties?!

No. We have friends nights, not girls nights. Male and females both welcome. Same for my hen night. Males and females present.

5madthings Thu 26-Sep-13 14:29:30

stravy exactly you are handling it the right way, so they are two separate events.

I can't believe anyone thinks its OK to invite some of the children to half the party and to split it by gender....

JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:29:49

No he wouldn't, cornflake girl, he told dd she was stupid when she suggested he join in their fairy games at the park. All the boys invited are very much anti-anything girly. Me inviting them at the same time and giving them the opportunity to make some sparkly wings would hardly make them have an epiphany and think that actually, doing girly things (in front of their friends who'd mock them for it) is a great idea.

roweeena Thu 26-Sep-13 14:30:12

Yes if my son was invited to a party like this I think I would decline the invitation - this sort of gender sterotping is disgraceful on par with princess parties.

Is this a wind up?

WilsonFrickett Thu 26-Sep-13 14:30:16

Sometimes you have to balance "It's my party and I'll do what I want" with "I won't exclude people with insanely outdated, and frankly offensive views on gender." Right now I think that you haven't quite got the balance right.

Understatement of the week award goes to Stravy thanks cake wine

JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:31:26

Her best friends happen to be girls, SoupDragon, last year her best friends included boys and she did extra birthday activities with them. She thinks in terms of who's her friend at the time of her party, not whether they're a boy or girl.

Suzieismyname Thu 26-Sep-13 14:31:30

12 out of 30 is a large enough number to not be shunning anyone (unless it's 10/11 boys and 2/1 girls) in particular. We did a whole class party for DD1 in reception but won't be repeating that this year.

The crafts/ castle split is a bit bizarre. You could make masks or something unisex?

elQuintoConyo Thu 26-Sep-13 14:31:44

Your party, your rules.

But this is AIBU and YABU.

Unisex crafts would have been a better idea, with a couple of other activities for those boys AND girls who don't like crafts to do before the bouncy castle climax.

Your daughter sounds very level-headed, mature enough to be made aware of the sexism.

WilsonFrickett Thu 26-Sep-13 14:32:15

Don't make sparkly wings then. Make rocket ones. You would probably be surprised about who goes for the glitter and who goes for the jet flames, tbh.

BeKindToYourKnees Thu 26-Sep-13 14:32:33

This is the equivalent of only being invited to the evening 'do' of a wedding, but based on gender!

KellyElly Thu 26-Sep-13 14:32:38

Are the girls going to tidy up the aftermath of the party too while the boys retire to the drawing room for cigars and brandy?? Hahahahahaha! That nearly made me spit my tea out grin

chickabilla Thu 26-Sep-13 14:32:42

We have always had craft based parties for DS (now 7) and just put our a range of things, the boys have always used the flowers and sequins as well as superhero stickers etc. Wands and wing can easily be made unisex so it just seems a little odd to divide purely on gender. All the boys we have invited have always got involved with the craft.

Osmiornica Thu 26-Sep-13 14:32:43

They were all invited by barbershop quartet weren't they.

grin

JeremySmile Thu 26-Sep-13 14:34:10

Her friends parents wouldn't ferry them to two separate celebrations on separate days. And surely if I'd asked if that was acceptable on here I'd be told I was spoiling dd for making such a fuss of her birthday that she has two celebrations!

Osmiornica Thu 26-Sep-13 14:34:27

I've done craft things in past parties and have included the boys too - why wouldn't I. The last party we did we had all the children (boys and girls) running around wearing crowns and waving wands - they had great fun. Yours sounds like a very strange party.

So if her best friends happen to be girls then that is your imvite list. At 6 you don't need a friends tier and a classmate tier of birthday party.

HopALongOn Thu 26-Sep-13 14:35:32

This is nuts. The sensible thing would have been to do a cheaper craft (and BOLLOCKS do boys not like crafts, primary school children seem to spend half their lives painting, cutting and sticking) and then the bouncy castle and food FOR EVERYONE.

But you know, do it your way. Gotta get them used to their roles in life nice and early.

whois Thu 26-Sep-13 14:37:06

you don't have a second tier

Um, yeah you can! Did you never go to a part where a couple of close friends stayed overnight afterwards. Or a few closer friends went to the cinema then loads of people back for birthday tea?

Never too young to teach them their place in the world. I do hope you're buying her some chains for her birthday, it won't be that long before you need to teach her that her place is to be chained to the sink.

Stand back for home time when all the little boys are crying cos they haven't got sparkly wings to take home!
YABU

This is weird. Why not have a shorter party with craft and bouncy castle, and some craft activities which you deem sufficiently manly that everyone will enjoy?

CatAmongThePigeons Thu 26-Sep-13 14:43:57

YABU, my sons love wands and wings, Harry Potter and dragons make them cool for boys, but then fairies must only be for girls and boys don't have gender stereotypes that make pink things wrong do they?

<weeps>

MerylStrop Thu 26-Sep-13 14:44:06

fucking hell

YABU to have such a convoluted party. Why not just have a party with a bouncy castle and a craft table, and then girls and boys could each choose their involvement. Or have one or two girls round to tea sometime and do crafts then?

YAalsoBU to give out invitations in class when lots of kids not invited. I think this is horrid and shouldn't be allowed.

HotCrossPun Thu 26-Sep-13 14:45:11

It seems like a lot of unnecessary hassle and faffing about.

Why not have a smaller amount of people all doing crafts? And then all having a go on the bouncy castle afterwards?

If you are so sure that the boys would have chosen no crafts, just invite them to the party and tell the parents that they can come to crafts, bouncy castle, all, one or none. See what they choose.

My DD wouldn't be going to a party segregated on gender lines. That is a lesson I won't her to learn when she is studying civil liberties, not at a birthday party.

Dividing a party of young children up into 'tiers' along gender lines, with the top tier getting to enjoy double the fun/activities/length of party than that of the bottom tier, is a really crappy thing to do imo.

It may be what your 6yo daughter wants, and yes it is her birthday, but she's SIX and knows no better. You, as the adult, should be guiding her decision-making to ensure that things are arranged fairly and with some sensible diplomacy.

Imho it's also a parent's job to educate their dc that boys and girls are equal. I'm sure you'd be quick to cry 'sexism' if your dd was being unfairly excluded from something that was 'only for boys'.

Fwiw, my ds adores crafts and hates bouncy castles. He also loves wings & wands. I know, shocking eh?!

Tailtwister Thu 26-Sep-13 14:46:44

I wonder what your reaction would be if a boy had a party and only invited girls to half of it? Why on earth shouldn't the boys do crafts?

PatriciaHolm Thu 26-Sep-13 14:51:50

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes! Very! and sexist to boot!
OP: No, I'm not! I'm right! stamps feet

And the point of posting was, OP?

KitZacJak Thu 26-Sep-13 14:53:29

Nevermind the gender stereotyping - do you realise you have organised a party of 3.5 hours long, are you mad? 2 hours would be my threshold!!!

TeenAndTween Thu 26-Sep-13 14:56:56

For all the reasons above, YABU.

Yabu.
It is her birthday, but she is old enough to know that she can only have ONE party, not two amalgamated where the kids get to do different things, at different times.

If you cant afford it, you cant!

The boys who got the shorter party with only a bouncy castle and food were treated as inferior party goers.

I think I'd have had crafts (cheaper ones) and bouncy castle at the same time. It would have made for a shorter party which has to be better for the sanity of the grown-ups! All my ds's friends love crafts. He's the same age as your dd and a lot of the boys in his class love crafts and (whispers) even glitter!

aintnothinbutagstring Thu 26-Sep-13 14:59:17

Sounds like a faff. I wonder if any of boys will turn up, bit of an insult to be invited to only half a party with no fairy wings/wands to show at the end of it, boooo!

jojane Thu 26-Sep-13 14:59:32

Dd had a craft party for her birthday. We did different stations with cupcake decorating, bracelet making, badge making, party bag decorating etc with face painting and sports day games. Everyone was free to do what they wanted - girls and boys!

This is like a wedding, where the boys were invited to the evening do only, on the basis of their gender. Still expected to bring presents.

It smacks of "Oh, I know what to do, lets make a big party with crafts for dds favourite friends, then to maximize on presents, when the activity is over, the boys arrive and get some grub"

Greedy.

cingolimama Thu 26-Sep-13 15:00:22

YABU!

Horribly sexist idea.

And please everyone, have some discretion about handing out invites. So what if your daughter didn't cry, OP? Most 6 year-olds - most children and young teenagers (both boys and girls) are very sensitive to being excluded. It's hurtful to them and it takes almost nothing to just do it discreetly - why wouldn't you do that? If only to save one child even a moment's upset? Shame on you.

ICameOnTheJitney Thu 26-Sep-13 15:01:04

What a weird and sexist party. YABU.

The only consolation is that you are teaching the other parents in your dds class what NOT to do.

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 26-Sep-13 15:05:24

Bonkers! Just have a craft table that is optional and a bouncy castle.

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 26-Sep-13 15:07:11

This is why I like soft play parties. You bung em in and whether or not they choose to play in a gender specific way is up to them and you can't see what they are doing so you'll never know. Everyone's a winner.

Turniptwirl Thu 26-Sep-13 15:07:45

What if one of the boys wants to do crafts? Very odd way of doing things!

Retropear Thu 26-Sep-13 15:09:51

My poor DS would have loved the crafts but not the bouncy castle,dd would have been the reverse.confused

Shnickshnack Thu 26-Sep-13 15:14:06

Yabvvvu sad shock hmm at segregating the children and actvities in this way. What utter nonsense.

Seriously! Organising your party in this way is very strange!

Katnisscupcake Thu 26-Sep-13 15:23:55

I'm not going to join the 'gender' debate because it's your DD's party and therefore your right (and hers) to do whatever you want. What amazes me is people (the little boy's mother who commented...) complaining when they've been invited to a party!!

If it's really that much of a problem for people, just don't go! I would never ever be rude enough to complain about ANY aspect of a party that I'd been invited to. If the invite said 'present to the value of no less than £30 and everyone has to wear a pink tutu' then I would still be grateful to be invited. I may not go and would politely decline, but I would still be happy that they'd thought of inviting me (or DD). You don't HAVE to go.

Jeez...

OP, do whatever you want and YANBU!!

Retropear Thu 26-Sep-13 15:28:31

But the boy is being excluded simply because he has a willy and is obviously upset.

Sorry any mother who made my son think he wasn't suitable for craft activities which op is doing would be asked as to why.

SummerRain Thu 26-Sep-13 15:29:48

At dd's 6th birthday party I made heaps of plain biscuits and cakes for the kids to decorate. Shoved them on a table with tubes of squirty icing, sprinkles and edible glitter and let them at it.

The boys were totally into it and despite it being an even split of boys and girls the boys were far more productive biscuit decorators (although also tended to eat them before moving on to the next whereas the girls were more likely to carry home an armful 'to show granny/daddy/the dog' grin)

One of the best parties any of the mothers ever organised was a craft party, organsied by a mother of a boy in dd's class. She bought lots of those cheap 'paint your own _' and set them up at a table with them, let them dry while they were having party food and watching a movie, then sent them home with them. dd still has her piggy bank.

I really don't understand how anyone can think boys won't like crafts confused

YABVU and nuts with it

SoupDragon Thu 26-Sep-13 15:37:44

it's your DD's party and therefore your right (and hers) to do whatever you want

Is it really? You think it's perfectly OK to treat a section of "society "as second rate based on their gender? Would it be OK to do the same based on skin colour?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 26-Sep-13 15:42:27

Stupid, over complicated idea for a birthday.

cingolimama Thu 26-Sep-13 15:46:26

Thank you Soup. Couldn't have said it better.

I would not be happy to be invited to a party if I were there as a "second rate citizen", bringing my present and all, just to be told that the real party is in room A, please proceed to room B, which this is equivalent to.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Thu 26-Sep-13 16:01:15

Well it's entirely up to you how you arrange your dds party. I wouldn't be letting my little boy come though, as it sets a bad example for him.

I don't want him to learn entrenched gender roles that dont even translate into the adult world.

He likes making things, if he was shown firmly that as a boy he must not do these things, I think he'd probably stop as he wants to fit in. So I'd regard what you are doing as something I'd want my child kept away from.

Btw, it's just so odd as your childhood gender roles excluding boys from making things means you are pushing them away from interests that can lead to a career in art, design, architecture. These arebt exactly girly professions, so it all strikes me as making up even more differences than the ones that exist already. Just odd really.

I'm not saying one party will lead to this, I'm just pointing out the illogical nature of your random gender biasing.

PeppiNephrine Thu 26-Sep-13 16:04:25

I wouldn't allow my sons to go either. Two-tier birthday parties, more stuff for girls, boys told what they are allowed to be interested in.....no fucking thanks!

Jan49 Thu 26-Sep-13 16:06:51

What a weird party. If what your dd wanted most was to do crafts with her closest friends, she could have had a party where she only invited her closest friends and they did crafts. As she or you decided to have a bouncy castle too, she could have invited whom she wanted and the kids could do crafts or bouncy castle or both. Dividing the party down gender lines is weird.shock

DawnOfTheDee Thu 26-Sep-13 16:12:00

Can I please ask OP what the invitations were like? You say that they were a bit different to usual invitations (not just your standard envelope) and I was wondering what this meant.

No, my son would not go either.

The girls will probably all come, as their mums might not realize what a weird fucked up set up you have.

mumeeee Thu 26-Sep-13 16:27:37

YABU lots of boys do like doing crafts.

mumeeee Thu 26-Sep-13 16:27:46

YABU lots of boys do like doing crafts.

FunnysInLaJardin Thu 26-Sep-13 16:27:51

Oh dear OP, you walked into that! FWIW I wouldn't worry about upsetting folk who aren't invited. We have invited at the most 12 children out of a class of 28 and if anyone cried, I didn't see it!

The party 'theme' is entirely up to you, however I do know from experience that when children for whatever reason aren't treated equally it can cause upset among the children and the parents. I know one mum who ended up having two parties to please all the girls in the class and it was seen a the A list party and the B list party, which I'm sure it wasn't.

MrsDeVere Thu 26-Sep-13 16:35:36

This is a very interesting thread.

OhDearNigel Thu 26-Sep-13 16:37:59

OP, you can organise your DD's birthday party any sodding way you see fit. A 6 year old's birthday party is not an PC box ticking exercise.

As for the parents huffing, maybe you should remind them that party invitations often work on a reciprocal arrangement.

Care to elaborate Mrsdevere smile

SoupDragon Thu 26-Sep-13 16:42:56

OP, you can organise your DD's birthday party any sodding way you see fit

Of course she can. That doesn't make it an acceptable way to behave though.

I wonder if the OP only has a girl...

She clearly has no empathy/respect/does not like little boys though!

ExcuseTypos Thu 26-Sep-13 16:45:14

YABU

Just invite them all together or not at all.

Asking people to arrive at different times is a very rude.

can you imagine the wedding

geminigirl Thu 26-Sep-13 16:49:20

OK, I can see that you thought the boys wouldn't like to be making bracelets or anything that would involve glitter or pink fluffy things, I think you were actually being considerate there but I agree it would have been a whole lot easier to have just done a unisex craft, I think you are giving yourself a whole lot of hassle!

I don't think you are being particularly unreasonable to be honest, I think you have just created a headache for yourself trying to accommodate everyone. I also think that you shouldn't be worrying about those children who weren't invited, there is a reasonable balance those who are going and those who are not. Don't get your knickers in a twist over it, have a great day, your daughter sounds like a very well balanced little girl.

PeppiNephrine Thu 26-Sep-13 16:53:04

Well you can do it any sodding way you see fit if you want to be that mother and have no regard for manners and such. You could organise it in a strip club if you want, but I wouldn't be waiting for anyone to come. Two tier gender biased parties are going to piss people off and you'll jsut ahve to live with that.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Thu 26-Sep-13 16:56:24

Utterly bonkers.....

Only on MNgrin

As a mum of 2 boys, they would have loved crafty stuff at 6 and still do when the mood takes them.

A party lasting 3.5 hours for some is bonkers alone! 2 hours is optimum party length.

MrsDeVere Thu 26-Sep-13 16:56:56

It just seems to contain every aspect of every MN 'party thread' bunfight ever in the history of MN party thread bunfights
s'all.

smile

pictish Thu 26-Sep-13 16:58:18

Yabu. Your party idea is stupid. My nearly 6 yr old son would love to do crafts of any description.
Three and a half convoluted hours of nonsense, when it could have been one and a half hours of crafts AND a bouncy castle for whoever fancied a bit of either.
Daft as a brush...not to mention discriminatory. Pah.

Xmasbaby11 Thu 26-Sep-13 16:58:32

I would have done a less girly crafts session and not divided the genders like that. Talk about perpetuating a stereotype. Surely not ALL girl guest love fairies and not ALL boy guests detest all crafts?

SoupDragon Thu 26-Sep-13 17:00:11

MrsDeVere it doesn't mention party bags.

ZutAlorsDidier Thu 26-Sep-13 17:01:46

MrsDeVere, I think you will find that it omits requesting cash gifts by way of a poem.

K8Middleton Thu 26-Sep-13 17:03:04

Yeah, yeah op. But until you tell us what your husband thinks how can we make an informed decision?

<irons dh's shirt while making dinner before tidying myself up for his return>

Me inviting them at the same time and giving them the opportunity to make some sparkly wings would hardly make them have an epiphany and think that actually, doing girly things (in front of their friends who'd mock them for it) is a great idea.

They are 6 FFS! My DS would love that and wouldn't see it as being 'girly'. I don't know what kind of world you live in where 6 year olds would 'mock' a boy for doing crafts. Sheeez!

Anyway, YANBU re the invites, unless they were REALLY ostentatious, in which case it is a little...crass...

ah yes party bags....care to share your thoughts op

candycoatedwaterdrops Thu 26-Sep-13 17:10:16

OP, be prepared for some post-party death stares in the playground once word gets out about what you've done. wink

MrsDeVere Thu 26-Sep-13 17:13:44

jeremy what are you doing about party bags?

StuntGirl Thu 26-Sep-13 17:24:53

YABU on all counts really. Funny that.

Euphemia Thu 26-Sep-13 17:25:18

Most bonkers party ever.

tethersend Thu 26-Sep-13 17:31:59

"Are the girls going to tidy up the aftermath of the party too while the boys retire to the drawing room for cigars and brandy??"

<cries>

AmberLeaf Thu 26-Sep-13 17:35:34

they've got to understand they can't have everything in life at some point

A six year old said that?

Ok.

arethereanyleftatall Thu 26-Sep-13 17:47:43

I think you're getting too much of a bashing here op, when alll you've tried to do is give your dd the party she,wanted, in a way you thought best.
I would have checked with all the parents of the boys what they thought about this first though.

It was the issue of 'crafts' that made me really aware of gender stereotyping before I had my own children and got probably frothing at the mouth about it.
My friends little boy was (is) a fantastic artist and produced lovely collages and models. For his 5th or 6th birthday I looked at all the craft-making sets in WHSmiths and elsewhere and was very pissed off to find that they were all pink and fluffy and glittery. I just got him adult stuff in the end. Until then I had no idea that art and craft was gender-specific.

SoupDragon Thu 26-Sep-13 18:44:55

Her best friends happen to be girls

So, all "nine" (for the sake of argument I'm going with half) of the invited girls are her best friends and it is only best friends who are invited to the crafts part and not simply the children without a penis?

My son loves arts and crafts.

And hama beads. And teddy bears. He is 8.

He made a sparkly wand out of glittery bendy thingummys and bbq sewers.

skewers.

He has no access to sewers.

<looks around>

DoJo Thu 26-Sep-13 19:33:39

I'm with everyone else and I wouldn't let my son or daughter go to a party which had been organised along these lines simply because of the appalling message it sends about which genders are 'allowed' to like things, especially in such a clumsy way.

StanleyLambchop Thu 26-Sep-13 20:46:23

'they've got to understand they can't have everything in life at some point'.

My 6 year old wanted a party with themed crafts for the girls and then a bouncy castle with the boys

She basically wants two different parties. Maybe she needs to be told she can't have everything in life as well.

Dd2 would probably have opted herself out of the party. Much as she loves craft she loves her best friend more - if he's not going it is a nightmare convincing her to go.

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans Thu 26-Sep-13 21:27:03

What about uninvited siblings (especially of the opposite gender)?

fluffandnonsense Thu 26-Sep-13 21:32:20

My son hates bouncy castles and would love decorating wings and a wand!! YABU and rather sexist.

Exactly what StanleyLambchop said above ^

hippo123 Thu 26-Sep-13 21:40:24

Yabu just to have a 3.5 hour party, that sounds like hell!
Yabu to expect the boys to be happy about coming to a party half way though, or to be happy about missing out on the crafts. My ds would love to make a wand.
Yabu to not expect the parents of the boys to be highly offended over your plans.
Time for a party rethink.

bsc Thu 26-Sep-13 21:43:13

YABU! The whole weird gender segregation thing aside hmm

There's no way I'd allow my 6yo DD to go to a 3.5 hour birthday part anyway- some families actually have lives at the weekend, you know!

bababababoom Thu 26-Sep-13 21:43:56

YABU. I'd keep my son and daughters away from a party organised in this way!

Yama Thu 26-Sep-13 21:45:39

My dd is having a Cupcake Party. Boys are invited. Our thinking was that having a penis does not get in the way of decorating small cakes.

SirChenjin Thu 26-Sep-13 21:49:53

This thread reminds me of another one recently where 6 children from the nursery class were invited to the OP's 3 year old's party, the other 2 children from the class were not - because the 3 year old wanted a princess party with no boys hmm. I cannot get my head around genderised parties on the basis of themes or activities, I really can't.

OP - YABU.

FixItUpChappie Thu 26-Sep-13 21:57:20

I would like my sons to be given the chance to do crafts and frilly things if they want too.

If it were the reverse and your DD was excluded from the bouncy castle bits would you be pleased?

I remember that thread Sirchen - really bugged me. I can't believe we are not further along than this.

FixItUpChappie Thu 26-Sep-13 22:00:38

He made a sparkly wand out of glittery bendy thingummys and bbq sewers.

My son made a pink butterfly wand at a community fair last weekend...my BIL tried to get him to put football stickers on it hmm

CorrieDale Thu 26-Sep-13 22:03:30

Your child, your party, your way. But this is a party that will be remembered by your DD's classmates and their parents for a very long time!!! Possibly even in Y6...

YABVU. And a little bit bonkers.

SirChenjin Thu 26-Sep-13 22:04:58

I had to hide the thread in the end FixItUp, it was just utterly infuriating. I couldn't believe that there were posters defending the segregation, or that a 3 year old was being both encouraged to see play as gender specific and exclude two children in that way. FFS, it was like something you'd have read on Mumsnet c. 1950

Three and a half hours! That's the most unreasonable bit. Never mind the invites are out now, Good Luck

CaptChaos Thu 26-Sep-13 22:16:12

Are the girls going to tidy up the aftermath of the party too while the boys retire to the drawing room for cigars and brandy??

Has to be one of the best comments I've seen on MN ever. grin

This party idea on the other hand is just utter sexist drivel. A party for 6 year olds split into 2 parties, one for girls and then the boys can come and play on a bouncy castle. Are you for real? Be prepared for your DD to NEVER be invited to a party again.

YABUnbelievablyU

enderwoman Thu 26-Sep-13 22:18:26

Yes yabu.

You should have asked your dd to choose a craft party or the bouncy castle party. 3.5 hours!!! Are you crazy?!

Im guessing that you don't have a son or live outside the uk if you really believe that boys don't do arts and crafts. I don't know any who could resist a pot of glitter and some pva glue.

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Thu 26-Sep-13 22:24:43

3.5 hours is a very long party.

TBH I think YABU. Lots of boys, like my DS, love crafts and in fact the party he talks about most in retrospect was a Creation Station one where he painted a treasure chest.

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Thu 26-Sep-13 22:33:51

Come to think of it, we also went to a "princesses and knights" party at nursery where quite a few little girls turned up with shields and swords, which is probably what I would have chosen aged 4, too....

It just seems a bit sad to be telling the kids what they should be interested in based on gender at all, but especially when they're so tiny.

kali110 Thu 26-Sep-13 22:39:57

Op i don't think yabu. Don't blame you for not inviting the whole class.
Op has said that the boys that were invited weren't really interesting in crafts so don't think its big deal if they weren't invited, why waste the money if they wouldn't be interested .

kali110 Thu 26-Sep-13 22:41:26

If she thought the boys were interested but didnt invite them
Because they were boys then i would think yabu

MaddAddam Thu 26-Sep-13 22:46:22

Yabu. I have dds who practically rioted at a party where the girls were invited to make tutus and the boys surfboards, they insisted on surfboards. And at several parties they disrupted the party bag dynamics by pinching the blue bags and ignoring the pink ones.

There are many children who don't conform to gender stereotypes. And adults.

BaldricksTurnip Thu 26-Sep-13 22:52:05

I have a friend who did the weird 'girls only' party thing. She even blatently handed out invites in front if my DS (not at school but in group of friends). She invited my friends DD but not her two DS's! Needless to say she won't be getting any invites from us to anything else- ever. Mad as a box of frogs.

BaldricksTurnip Thu 26-Sep-13 22:53:28

*of. Fecking iphone.

cerealqueen Thu 26-Sep-13 22:56:42

YABU. Bizarre and so much work for yourself. When did parties get so complicated? They used to be about cake and balloons.

You are the parent and have to reign in your DD's expectations, especially when they cause confusion and come across as rude. What will your daughter come up with next year?

Sparklymommy Fri 27-Sep-13 07:33:17

My dds 4th birthday party is quite possibly the easiest party I have ever been to/organised.

We had it at a local play centre. This play centre is not your usual soft play hell, it's more like a cafe cum play group type set up. It has a very good cafe and a big room room with play kitchen, dolls prams, books, a room with soft play and an outdoors area with slides climbing frame, ride ons, sand pits etc. they put a HUGE bouncy castle up too which we had not asked for or expected.

They provided the food, veg sticks, little sandwiches etc and a lolly after and they organised a craft table where the children could make bugs (which were ACE!). The children loved it. The party lasted about two hours and the parents mainly stayed and mingled. For approx 18 children we played £125. That was all inclusive of what I have already mentioned. I provided cake and party bags. They didn't even charge for the "uninvited" siblings.

Boys and girls could do the craft. Boys and girls could push the dolls prams. Boys and girls used the bouncy castle. It was, quite frankly, the BEST party I have ever organised.

No problem with not inviting everyone but the segregation between the sexes?

I'd not allow my son to go to a party that promotes such sexist bull.

EllaMenOhPea Fri 27-Sep-13 07:50:12

Re not inviting the whole class YANBU.

Re inviting the boys to only half, YABVU. I wouldn't send DS to such a party. I would treat him instead, where he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. I can't believe you have done this - it is beyond ridiculous.

Balaboosta Fri 27-Sep-13 07:55:37

Disappointed that you seem to be holding on to your sexist outlook there, OP. My boy would LOVE to make wands and wings. You lack imagination.

EllaMenOhPea Fri 27-Sep-13 08:23:28

Sorry, my fury got the better of me. Of course my son wouldn't be allowed to do 'whatever he wanted' I meant I wouldn't restrict his activity based on his gender grin

lentilweavinghippy Fri 27-Sep-13 08:30:04

You sound delightful.

redskyatnight Fri 27-Sep-13 08:33:28

DD had a princess party when she was 5 (her choice). She invited only girls (her choice).
Her 6 year old brother who had scoffed at the idea of princess parties and pink frilliness made the pinkest, frilliest princess crown there.

What boys say and wha they do are 2 different things.

MrsMook Fri 27-Sep-13 08:42:34

18 out of 30 sounds reasonable if they are the ones that DD plays with.

Excluding boys from the craft is unreasonable. Girls and boys like a mix of activities. Some children are more feminine, some more masculine- their sex is irrelevant to that.

Mnippy Fri 27-Sep-13 08:48:24

Are the girls going to tidy up the aftermath of the party too while the boys retire to the drawing room for cigars and brandy??

Wahahaha!!!

YABU.

If you can't afford crafts for everyone, don't offer crafts for anyone. Or organise a cheaper craft activity.

JammieCodger Fri 27-Sep-13 09:24:16

'they've got to understand they can't have everything in life at some point'

If either of mine had come out with that at age 6 I would have ticked them off for being a little prig.

I'm really intrigued by the "not your standard invitations". I hope to fuck you didn't do balloons or something similar. My daughters both had bouncy castle/craft parties at about that age. They were whole class parties and the craft went on at the same time as the bouncing. Some kids chose not to do the craft (cardboard crowns with loads of sparkly shit) but there was certainly no division on gender lines. I'm getting rather sad at the thought of all the little girls in their sparkly wings rushing up to their parents at the end with an excited 'look what I made, mummy!' while the boys look forlornly on , wondering why they didn't get to make anything. Sob.

PrincessFlirtyPants Fri 27-Sep-13 09:31:05

'they've got to understand they can't have everything in life at some point'

OP, it would be a good thing to remind your DD that this applies to her, too. She should be growing up learning to treat everyone equally regardless of gender/sexuality/age/race/ability/appearance.

YANBU to only invite a proportion of the class.

girliefriend Fri 27-Sep-13 09:38:56

Sorry not read all the pages but why can't you have the crafts going on in one corner so thats kids who want to do that can come along and if they don't can go off and play on the bouncy castle? confused

For my dds 6th bday party we hired a village hall and had craft activities set up in one corner as well as a friends mum doing nails and kids tattoos if they wanted them (boys or girls) and games and stuff going on for the children that wanted to run around and play.

Don't get why you would want to drag a party out for 3 plus hours, parties should be 2 hours max ime!

girliefriend Fri 27-Sep-13 09:41:59

abd fwiw my dd would go to such a party and lose interest in craft stuff after about 5 mins....

not all girls love crafts just as not all boys wouldn't.

ClaimedByMe Fri 27-Sep-13 09:45:05

You think this will work with a bunch of 5/6yo, oh dear, this will be a big learning curve for you...

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Fri 27-Sep-13 09:47:05

Ok, I need to know how the invitations were so different.

Was it like My Super Sweet 16? Did you hire a clown to pass them out while reciting a personalised poem?

Mumoftwoyoungkids Fri 27-Sep-13 10:24:07

Could you have not written

"Wandmaking 2 -3:30
Tea: 3:30 - 4pm
Bouncy castle 4 - 5:30

All children are welcome to come to some or all of the party."

As OP hasn't yet said in which way the invites were so different, maybe girls boys

WaitMonkey Fri 27-Sep-13 12:37:56

Not inviting 12 out of 30, fine. The rest of it is totally odd and I wouldn't allow my dc to go to such a party. Why can't boys make wands and fairy wings ? Although I have a 6 year old dd and she loves craft but has grown out of fariry thing's, so she wouldn't enjoy that part.
Also, have I got it tight, the girls do craft for 1.5 hour's, then the boys arrive for another 2 hour's ? So a 3.5 hour party ? That alone is crazy.

WaitMonkey Fri 27-Sep-13 12:55:15

I also need to know about the invitations please.

RiotsNotDiets Fri 27-Sep-13 12:59:38

If my daughter was invited to this party, I'd decline. I wouldn't want her thinking that this blatant sexism is acceptable.

They're six ffs can't they be children first before they have to deal with all this shite?

jellybrain Fri 27-Sep-13 13:02:59

I'll go against the grain and say YANBU.
I would find it really stressful having 18 kids doing crafts ( would never make a primary school teacher).
Quite reasonable to arrange a party around what you and dd feel comfortable with. Btw I have boy and girl children.

Manchesterhistorygirl Fri 27-Sep-13 13:21:09

Come on OP admit it, you're one of those horrendous precious mothers of girls aren't you? The type who's daughter is their princess and they just can't understand how I could cope with boys!

Plenty of those about and the world does not need more of them.

My son would not be attending your divided party because although he's not yet 8, he understands that girls and boys are equal.

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 13:44:39

I did not say 'all boys dislike crafts and would not be interested.' I do not believe that to be true, I have a son (albeit a bit young for crafts at one) and am not pro-girls and anti-boys. There are only 6 girls doing crafts, the others invited are all boys so providing crafts would be expensive for that many when they're not interested in them. The boys have better party bags to make up for not having crafts to take home. It's strange that many people think its acceptable to have a party than an extra celebration (sleepover, cinema trip etc) afterwards but if its done beforehand then it's terrible. Everyone takes party invitations into school, the teacher gets the children to sing happy birthday to the birthday child at the same time. It is a bit too pc to say they should be distributed covertly. Should I also have all the guests sign a confidentiality agreement in case they discuss the party at school afterwards and someone who couldn't go gets upset?

Actually I don't agree with sleepovers after party either I have told my dc either a small invite list and sleepover or big party and sleepovers on other nights. I think it is sad if some children turn up with overnight stuff and it is apparent that the others have been invited as padding to make the party bit more fun. Besides I don't want to settle children once I've pumped them full of party food!

JammieCodger Fri 27-Sep-13 13:55:48

Please put us out of our misery though. What were the invites?

"It's strange that many people think its acceptable to have a party than an extra celebration (sleepover, cinema trip etc) afterwards but if its done beforehand then it's terrible."

You haven't actually read what people have written have you?

JammieCodger Fri 27-Sep-13 13:57:21

And I'm with birthdaybunnies. When we've had sleepover parties, its only been the one invite list. You either have a party with everyone, or a tiny party and sleepover.

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:06:23

My dd has been to three parties this year where there was an extra celebration afterwards that only a handful of children were invited to, it's common here.

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:07:14

The invites were attached to fairy wands.

DawnOfTheDee Fri 27-Sep-13 14:08:36

But probably not segregated along gender lines?

Could you please describe the invitations?

DawnOfTheDee Fri 27-Sep-13 14:09:11

x-post. No wonder some of the other children got upset. What a faff.

Edendance Fri 27-Sep-13 14:11:54

Wow. This is unbelievable.

Stravy Fri 27-Sep-13 14:14:23

So you handed out fairy wands to half a class of 5yo's and were surprised why some of them got upset? Maybe the money spent on 18 wands could have gone towards more craft.

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:17:20

They're 6/7, not 5. Maybe I'm out of touch with how other kids are but my children would not cry and have a hissy fit over not getting something other children had past the age of about 3.

Dancergirl Fri 27-Sep-13 14:18:39

Fairy wand invitations hmm

OP, I can sort of see your logic but you're making this party very complicated. If cost is an issue have a smaller party. If your dd wants to do crafts AND have a bouncy castle, get her to choose one or the other. Get her to choose 15-18 friends (boys or girls).

You'll save yourself money and hassle.

Dancergirl Fri 27-Sep-13 14:19:48

Maybe the money spent on 18 wands could have gone towards more craft

Yes exactly. No point in spending money on fancy invitations, they'll only get thrown away.

BaldricksTurnip Fri 27-Sep-13 14:20:31

So you made a huge song and dance of giving out invites attached to fairy wands which blatantly left some children feeling upset that they didn't get one, then designed a party to upset the kids who were invited by singling out girls from boys. You must get a kick out of upsetting kids OP, I think you need to go and have a word with yourself.

monicalewinski Fri 27-Sep-13 14:28:05

You are NOT being unreasonable!! (Think I might be the only one!).

Your daughter invited her 6 closest girl friends to a small craft party, then is having her actual raucous bouncy castle event with food with the rest of her friends (12 boys??), no gender stereotyping as far as I can see - just a 6 yr old who would like to have her best friends with her for extra stuff (could just as easily have been sleep over as OP said).

The fact that 2/3 of the party attendees are going to be boys tells me that OP's daughter is not remotely affected by gender stereotyping.

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:28:51

Dancer - the wands are to bring to party.

Baldricks - I didn't 'make a huge song and dance of giving out invites' - dd gave them out at home time, as have every other person in her class who's had a party. Do you really all have 6/7 year olds that are so spoilt/entitled that they'd feel they must have something if one of their friends have? And that children should have to hide their excitement about something in case it upsets someone else? I'm all for empathy but surely children should be taught its better to be kind and happy for other people's good fortune rather than jealous?

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:29:59

Thank you, Monica wink

BaldricksTurnip Fri 27-Sep-13 14:34:53

It's not about being jealous OP. The only person behaving unfairly is you, the adult. It is perfectly possible to invite some kids and not others to your daughters party by handing out invitations discreetly, or even better to the parents. Your ideas about what 'girls' like and what 'boys' like are woefully ignorant and unfortunately children too young to understand have been caught up in your misguided way of thinking. You sound like a complete control freak.

HorrorCow Fri 27-Sep-13 14:36:33

Apart from everything else (and I agree with everyone else btw - sexist and insulting), do you seriously expect 6 6/7 year olds to spend an hour and a half making wands and wings?! What will you do when, after 5 minutes, they start asking "what are we doing next?"?

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:38:08

They are not ignorant - I know the boys in question and they are not interested in making fairy things one bit.

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:39:06

It's not just wands and wings, HorrorCow, they were just examples of some of the things

Doyouthinktheysaurus Fri 27-Sep-13 14:39:36

It's all a bit ostentatious and unnecessary op.....

Giving out invites should be a low key affair IMO if half the class aren't invited! Giving out wands with the invites is bonkers, I bet half of them forget to bring them to the party!

Manchesterhistorygirl Fri 27-Sep-13 14:40:19

Well aren't you just the most wonderful parent in the world ever?

Seriously Jeremy you may have given the invites out at home time, but by making them wands you've made them hugely obvious and desirable. I'm so glad you're not a parent at my school.

Out of interest, what did you invite the boys with?

CatAmongThePigeons Fri 27-Sep-13 14:40:39

You know what they want to show, unless you are close to them

CatAmongThePigeons Fri 27-Sep-13 14:42:46

Wands on invites, thank fuck for my sons school mates and the less is more approach. I hope the boys had wands too

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:45:35

The boys had telescopes

Dancergirl Fri 27-Sep-13 14:46:53

OP, if you post in AIBU you should be prepared to listen to advice! And the vast majority have said YABU.

I really do understand your logic, I personally am not bothered about 'gender stereotypes', far too much fuss made about those IMO. And you wanted to give your dd the party she wants. Fair enough BUT when it comes to parties, it's not just the birthday child's wishes which should be taken into account. You also need to consider cost, doing the right thing (as in not excluding one or two children) and how much of a headache it will be for you.

As I said above (although it's too late for this year), if she wants both (crafts and bouncy castle), she can choose one or the other. That's what I would have done. Apart from anything else, guests arriving at 2 different times sounds like a right pain. The girls could be finishing off their crafts, needing help etc then the boys start arriving etc. I'm just envisaging all sorts of problems.

Keep it simple. Really. The children will still enjoy it just as much.

DawnOfTheDee Fri 27-Sep-13 14:48:24

If the boys (so more than half the guests) won't be interested in 'fairy things' why on earth given them wand invitations they're meant to bring to the party.

You are making this party sexist, over complicated, exclusive and far more expensive than it needs to be.

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:48:50

But Manchester - my DDs friend bought in holiday photos from a holiday she and another girl in the class went on. Obviously, something much more huge and desirable. Dd commented that they were lucky to have gone, she did get upset that she hasn't/wouldn't be going on holiday. The worlds going crazy if no one can be happy for anyone else and everyone has to have everything identical in the interests of fairness

DawnOfTheDee Fri 27-Sep-13 14:49:37

x-post. The boys had telescopes. The rest of my post still stands.

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:50:12

Didn't get upset, that should've said.

So will the boys not expect to be able to make something periscope related to take home as their party bag?
Will the boys only realize they are the second rate budget option because hostess ran out of funds but still wanted to bank some presents for her precious, when at the party?

DawnOfTheDee Fri 27-Sep-13 14:50:53

The example of the holiday isn't really the same though...you wouldn't expect more than 1 friend to be invited on something like taht.

Of course people dont expect to go on the same holiday as the rest of the class. That would be stupid. hmm

CatAmongThePigeons Fri 27-Sep-13 14:52:01

A holiday isn't comparable to a party.

Why the pomp and ceremony for a party invite?

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 14:53:38

The holiday was Disneyland so many children in the class went home with an 'its not fair' attitude that 2 children went and they can't.

Fakebook Fri 27-Sep-13 14:54:34

Strange party. Dd went to her best friends party at the start of the month (6th birthday) and it was craft themed with "unisex" crafts laid out, such as painting t shirts or teddy money boxes or other hobby craft painting projects in small boxes. Both girls and boys enjoyed it.

I don't get why you'd do this. Surely at school aged 6 boys have to do things with the whole class even if it is girly? Last year in Foundation stage all the boys in Dd's class had to join in with a wedding theme and dance and organise the pretend wedding and everything!

Your party sounds like hard work.

It seems that at least ONE child has learnt that it is not necessary to get a lot of presents, and to have many friends, to make a good party...

BaldricksTurnip Fri 27-Sep-13 14:55:37

OP? OoooooPeeeeeee??! Are you listening to what virtually everyone is saying? You ARE being unreasonable to have organised your daughters party in this way. In short, everything about the way you have organised it is well, unreasonable. It's not because everyone else's kids are jealous and grabby, it's because you have set it up from the outset to cause feelings of not being included. Which quite frankly is the opposite of what a party should be surely. It should be fun and easy going- a celebration, a lighthearted event. Instead what you have created is a mire of outdated sexism, unhappiness and unfairness. Take on board what people are saying to you.

soimpressed Fri 27-Sep-13 14:56:55

I wonder why the OP asked AIBU! Most people have said she is but she still thinks she isn't confused

If you are having a mixed party and you think the theme "fairies" is unlikely to appeal to all the children then you tweak the theme. You turn it into a "magic" party or a "fairytales" party or a "fairies and elves" party, anything to give you a bit of leeway to include a broader mix in your choice of craft activities.
We did a Peter Pan party for DD at this age. The girls mostly chose to dress as fairies (although DD dressed as Captain Hook) and the boys mostly came as pirates and nobody felt excluded.

DawnOfTheDee Fri 27-Sep-13 14:58:01

Well said BaldricksTurnip

And instead of using your DD's party to bring together her friends, you seem to have unwittingly made is as divisive as possible.
Invited vs. uninvited
Girls vs. boys
Best friends vs. second best friends vs. not friends at all

Retropear Fri 27-Sep-13 15:00:07

They are 6 years old and it takes a few years to hide/ except disappointment. My dc couldn't give a shit now at 8 and 10 but at 6 yes they would have been.

Having novelty wands only a few invited to would upset even the most perfect children.

I've never handed invites out like that,ever.There is no need.

Why are you inviting the boys at all?

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 15:02:19

FakeBook how is a wedding theme girly?? Surely both men and women get married!

Dancergirl Fri 27-Sep-13 15:04:19

OP, just because YOUR dd doesn't get upset about not being invited or whatever, doesn't mean other children won't. Yes of course they'll learn that you're not invited to everything but it's just about being a bit sensitive.

DawnOfTheDee Fri 27-Sep-13 15:04:29

Out of interest OP is there anything anyone could say that would make you think that maybe you have been a tad unreasonable?

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 15:04:37

Mrs Cakes - do you only advocate parties if the entire class is invited then?

Dancergirl Fri 27-Sep-13 15:05:18

Oh and I completely agree, bet lots of the girls will forget to bring the damn wands on the day! What will you do then?

No - most parties have been ones of 10-12 children at my home. But at that sort of age, my DD wanted to invite a mix of girls and boys.

BaldricksTurnip Fri 27-Sep-13 15:07:41

Well Dancergirl, as this is a 1950's party, the girls who forget their wands on the day will probably be made to stand in the corner with a 'Dunce' hat on.

There will always be uninvited children, but I've never seen anyone make so much effort to upset the ones that are being invited (to some of the party) as well.

JeremySmile Fri 27-Sep-13 15:09:48

Dancer - I get that all children are different but honestly thought they'd be used to not all being invited by year 2 as invitations have always been handed out at school.

Op. You just dont understand, do you?

The problem is not that the whole class is not invited.

The problem is that you are dividing the party goers into:

A list (the girls that gets do do fun stuff, party food and bouncy castle, and get to take a craft creation home with them)
B list (the boys, who does not get to do crafts, but only gets to eat party food and go on the bouncy castle. No party bag)

This A and B list is based on blatant gender discrimination.

I suspect that you are greedy. You realized that your dd would not get enough presents by only having the girls, so you decided to bung in some boys with the pithy excuse "oh they would not want to make wands" so you would not have to pay for craft materials.

While I don't think I would have thought of doing separate invitations/arrival time for boys and girls, I did a craft table at my DD's (5) party. It was beetle-themed and, though the boys came to have a look for a few minutes, within about 3 minutes ALL the boys were off running around and the girls were sitting down and concentrating on the craft. I hadn't anticipated that at all so based on my experience, I reckon that leaving the boys out of the craft is not unreasonable.

But they would likely have chosen to not do the craft and just go on the bouncy castle, had they been given the chance!

By letting the boys attend the craft she would have had a shorter party, 2 hours would have been plenty, so shorter hall hire. The same amount of food, and just a little bit extra craft supplies, and she would not have come out of it looking like a sexist, grabby loon!

roweeena Fri 27-Sep-13 15:24:09

Ahcomon - at least the boys were given it as an option at your party.

OP do you recognise that you may have been a tiniest bit unreasonable by splitting the party into girls crafts vs boy etc?

mamaslatts Fri 27-Sep-13 15:25:28

Mrs Smug and her child precious.

exactly mama

Pigsmummy Fri 27-Sep-13 15:33:55

OP you are going to/are getting a pasting. Your plan sounds sensible to me, the only thing is that you have let it slip that there were different times, should have just handed out invites. I would also assume that most boys't be interested in making wings so would be a good way to cut cost, however you don't need to justify it.

As for the dirty looks I would have smiled back, you can't have 30 children so some were going to be dissapointed, make sure that your daughter has a nice answer for the children that didn't get an invite. Something like "our house isn't big enough to invite everyone and as you didn't ask me you your party I thought that you wouldn't mind mind not coming". I hope that the party is a grea sucess!

monicalewinski Fri 27-Sep-13 15:38:42

"sexist grabby loon", "Mrs Smug and her child precious", "you are greedy", "Will the boys only realize they are the second rate budget option because hostess ran out of funds but still wanted to bank some presents for her precious".

FFS, I'm pissed off on the OP's behalf. Her 6 yr old GIRL wanted 6 of her best GIRL friends at a small craft party; she also invited TWELVE BOYS to the main part of the party. ALL children are getting party bags, presumably the parents that have RSVP'd 'yes' on behalf of their children do not see that there is any subversive discrimination afoot and are quite happy for their kids to attend.

TBH, I would much rather have my boys go to OP's daughter's party than the parties of children whose parents spout the nasty bile that some posters on this thread have.

BaldricksTurnip Fri 27-Sep-13 15:42:29

The truth hurts <shrug> and your point is?

We did a fairy party at similar age. Boys and girls both seemed v happy with their fairy houses which they made there, complete with fairy dust and fairies, plus a few dinosaurs thrown in for those that cared, they all enjoyed it. We said party was for fairies, elves and goblins, but to be honest I think they just enjoy anything at that age. I'm sure the OP's daughter will have a lovely time, though I imagine she will think twice next year or not post in AIBU about it anyway!

Fakebook Fri 27-Sep-13 16:18:11

OP, because they had to design a bride's dress aswell which meant making fairy type crafts...

Anyway, YABU.

lachrymavitis Fri 27-Sep-13 16:44:38

My 5-year-old son has just been to a princess party. He dressed as a pirate and enjoyed making wands and crowns and jumping around after the princess.

An hour and a half for craft sounds like a long time for a 6 year old to me regardless of gender.

I think you should have had the two options and the children could decide which they wanted to do.

I wouldn't worry about the children who haven't been invited. It would be a bit cruel if it was one or two but twelve seems fair enough to me.

MissStrawberry Fri 27-Sep-13 16:51:51

Why do the girls get the longer party? Why haven't you made it so the boys come first and have the full 3.5 hours?

Chocovore Fri 27-Sep-13 17:18:15

YABU to have a 3.5 hour party!!!!

Hopemore Fri 27-Sep-13 20:59:11

Hope OP comes back and let us know how the party went.

kali110 Fri 27-Sep-13 22:54:55

I dont think there was anything wrong with having the wands as invites. Op couldnt invite the whole class, just because some of the kids werent invited doesnt mean her dd couldnt have nice special invites.
As op said her dd wasnt invited to all the parties and im sure there would have been lovely invites then too.

Balaboosta Sat 28-Sep-13 21:45:45

Yea, verily, I return to thread and find - alas! - ye hath not repented of ye olde fashioned wayes, not by a cat's whisker. And lo I doth conclude that ye are medieval. Oh yay oh yay!

hels71 Sat 28-Sep-13 22:17:13

My DD wanted to do butterfly crafts at her party (she adores making things!!) it was her idea to make sure there were also some bugs and spider things for the boys she invited (very boyish boys!!) who very much enjoyed creating spider masks to scare everyone!! Boys can like making too you know! We only invited as many as I could afford, yellow moon was brilliant, it eventually worked out as all the girls from her class at school and the boys were two she has played with from birth from different schools.
I think that only inviting 18 is fine......they can't all go to everything, but different times is just weird....if you can't afford craft for all then just invite as many as you can....

Twattybollocks Sat 28-Sep-13 22:43:40

Why not just have a craft table where both the boys and girls get to make whatever they like? My daughter wouldn't be seen dead waving a wand, sword or bow and arrow possibly but not a wand. Did you stop to think that not all girls like pink sparkly shit and some boys actually do like crafts?
No problem with the invitations tho, kids do have to learn at some point that they can't be invited to everything.

Pagwatch Sat 28-Sep-13 22:50:23

What a pile of over blown, self indulgent horse shit.

DalmationDots Sat 28-Sep-13 23:35:03

My son would have loved to make a wand. And my DD would have hated it. DD would much prefer to jump on the bouncy castle.

FlorenceMattell Sun 29-Sep-13 07:29:16

One things certain I expect the mums at OPs school are having a good laugh. I wonder how many will turn up for the party. IMO at this age you invite only the children your child is friends with. Thus you give the invitation to their parent - after school drop off, play dates etc. it is an unkind, rude and bad mannered parent who flaunts invitations infront of children who have not been invited imo.

skittycat Sun 29-Sep-13 09:12:49

I think you are being a tad unreasonable regarding the crafts... wands and wings arent just 'girly'.... see Harry Potter and your more creepy types of wing.

If I was a parent of one of the boys I don't think id bother sending my son... it would come across like the boys are either not really wanted there or an afterthought. And no doubt a big present would still be expected.

Also - 1.5 hours for a crafting activity? I hope you've got lots of crafts planned for that time. I run 1 hour craft sessions for 8 year olds occasionally and they need 2-3 activities to keep them entertained.

Pinkpinot Sun 29-Sep-13 09:18:34

Unbelievable
1. you've only invited some of the class, yet blatantly issued completely OTT invitations that the uninvited children couldn't help but notice.
Have you not heard of discretion?!
2. You've created an A list and B list
3. The girls are heavily favoured, getting a longer party
4. Different party bags too?

All this as well as the general gender division?

All because its what your daughter wants!

I actually agree that children should be able to deal with the disappointment of not being invited to everything, but 6/7 is still a bit young for this and who made you God and put you in charge of these kids emotions?
And frankly fairy wands waving in the playground is really rubbing their noses in it

EuphemiaLennox Sun 29-Sep-13 09:26:52

Gender segregation of party activities is very weird. I wouldn't like that.

My son's favourite thing is art and craft.

I agree unspoken rule should be small groups for parties fine, but once you've invited more than half the class it starts to get mean to leave others out, particularly if you're publicly handing out unusual very appealing invites.

As an adult in this situation yiud feel a pang of hurt, if you're 6 you'd be very upset and might cry.

misskatamari Sun 29-Sep-13 10:24:32

To be honest OP from what you have said I don't really think you are being unreasonable.

Yes as many posters say lots of boys love crafts and would love to make wings/wands but you say that you know the boys who are invited to this party and know it's not there thing. If that's the case I think fair enough. Yes many boys love crafty things but again many don't.

It doesn't sound like you are having this amazing secret first party that boys will then be allowed to attend for the dregs at the end like some are making out. The best friends are doing some crafting and then later on the party will get going, have lots of food and fun and bouncing on the bouncy castle.

I can understand some kids feeling left out due to the invites - wands and telescopes for most kids and you get nothing - I can understand them feeling a bit second rate.

Overall though to me it doesn't sound like the big outrageous gender segregating big deal that some are so irate about.

Saying that - I can understand why people are getting so annoyed about it as I do personally hate all the boys/girls gender stereotyping crap that so many people seem to believe and if it was me I would be doing crafts for all who wanted to and like the ideas mentioned above of either having everything on at once or giving activity timings on the invites and saying "welcome at whatever bits you want".

As I said, your example and what you have posted about knowing the children, I would stop worrying and just enjoy the day. Maybe in future if you're wondering what others would make if such invites maybe ask AIBU before you decide on things so you can plan accordingly and not be left feeling UR in the aftermath.

misskatamari Sun 29-Sep-13 10:25:02

Sorry their not thereb

MidniteScribbler Sun 29-Sep-13 10:29:38

There was a gift list with the invitation wasn't there? Go on, I bet there was!

This reminds me of a few years ago when I was doing a unit about elections and politics with my year three class. The students were set the task of making placards about the issues that were important to them. One little boy proudly held up his completed work, covered in glitter and sequins, which said "Boys can like pink!" grin

Any moment now OP will be back to tell us what a hit the party was, and how the other parents worship her for her ingenuity.

SPBisResisting Sun 29-Sep-13 10:33:31

"LeslieKnope Thu 26-Sep-13 14:20:57

Are the girls going to tidy up the aftermath of the party too while the boys retire to the drawing room for cigars and brandy??"

What a good idea! You should be a party planner!
I haven't read the full thread, hoping this has been revealed as a reverse...

Thesouthernwindisblowing Sun 29-Sep-13 10:42:39

For dd's 6th party we had most of it as crafts and invited mixture of boys and girls. They decorated biscuits and a tshirt each and these then became what they took home. The boys equally enjoyed the craft bit as the girls did and it never occurred to me to separate them. Maybe as I am a teacher and get that doing crafts isn't a gender thing. If I knew your set up I wouldn't send dd. There is enough segregation, stereotyping out there in society I cannot protect her from. No way would I send her to a party planned this way.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 29-Sep-13 10:48:17

You could have let the boys come early too and built something - like a bridge maybe?

SPBisResisting Sun 29-Sep-13 10:50:56

Or a huge fairy castle in which the princesses could bake, clean and be rescued

shushpenfold Sun 29-Sep-13 10:52:22

Gosh - can't think of anything to say to this.....mouth won't work!

Jaynebxl Sun 29-Sep-13 11:08:39

We did a craft and bouncy castle party for dd5 and invited boys and girls. They all did everything and it lasted 2 hours. Quite long enough for a party.

Incidentally I wonder if the op has come across any of the campaigns about keeping toys gender neutral rather than stereotyping.

oh yes, you could have supplied billy goats for the bridge, would be fun!

SPBisResisting Sun 29-Sep-13 11:13:55

<groans>
I geddit now.

WaitMonkey Sun 29-Sep-13 11:16:20

midnite, that little boy sounds wonderful. smile

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 29-Sep-13 11:52:58

SP grin Though I do like your idea of a castle for the Princesses smile I'll have the turret - high high high in the sky so I can sleep in peace!

sheridand Sun 29-Sep-13 16:30:48

I have an upper limit of 10. Always. If I can wangle it, I go for less than that and sleepovers. Not being invited is a fact of life. However, in the "Alice in Wonderland" themed do I did for dd last time, 3 invitees were boys. They just mucked in and walloped the croquet balls, and thoroughly enjoyed painting roses red. It didn't even occur to me that they wouldn't like doing the crafts, and they all went home with sparkly pink Cheshire Cat masks they'd made. My DS made one too. Surely if they made wands they would just be wizard wands?

This year i'm hoping to get away with days out instead....

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