To ask dp to stop drinking now I'm 35 weeks pregnant?

(61 Posts)
Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 03:10:38

Basically that!

Well, not stop drinking but a 2 drink limit maybe.
He doesn't drive so its not for that reason but I really don't fancy a drunk birthing partner!!

He doesn't drink at home, but does go out maybe once or twice a week, sometimes just for a couple, sometimes for a skinful! Which is fine, but it would just be typical that when he's had a skinful will be when I go into labour. And like most people I suppose, once he's drunk he's not the best person for checking his phone!

So, 35 weeks about right or would you say later? Or would you say not at all?

I have briefly said it and got a yeah yeah course but I would feel better having a set date and drink limit iyswim. But at the same time if I'm being completely unreasonable I don't want to push it!

Newlywed2013 Tue 24-Sep-13 03:16:49

If think this is perfectly reasonable! Good luck!

FoxyRoxy Tue 24-Sep-13 03:28:13

Of course it's reasonable. My dh has a beer most evenings at home and I asked him not to drink from 35 weeks as he would be the one driving us to hospital. I think if we can manage 9 months then they can manage a few weeks!

Gullygirl Tue 24-Sep-13 03:34:57

Perfectly reasonable.
Ds2 arrived at 35 weeks.

CharityFunDay Tue 24-Sep-13 03:39:45

He doesn't drive so its not for that reason but I really don't fancy a drunk birthing partner!!

He doesn't drive? YABabitU. Banning him from drinking on the off-chance that he would be drunk in the delivery room is a bit harsh. And it's a fairly low probability anyway, when you consider that your baby has all the other hours in the week to arrive.

Of course, it's down to what you agree as a couple. In your situation I'd be telling him not to get rat-arsed, so he could be relatively compos mentis should the situation arise. Oh and get him to keep his phone on ring and vibrate, with the volume up high as it will go, so he's more likely to notice it.

calopene Tue 24-Sep-13 03:52:26

Controlling and rather 'fish wifey'.

OliviaPope Tue 24-Sep-13 04:00:09

Not fish wifey at all - DH and I had a similar arrangement. It's fair to want a sober birthing partner.

Good luck with your pregnancy smile

Jackanory1978 Tue 24-Sep-13 04:48:50

If he's not driving then I don't think he needs to stop totally; like you suggested a 2 drink limit.

Could you trust him to stick to 2 drinks though?

I don't think yabu, you'll have to give up a lot more alcohol, your pelvic floor, youthful looks etc to bring your baby into the world.

Sunnysummer Tue 24-Sep-13 05:40:44

YANBU in my opinion - after all, it's most likely a long time since you had even that much, and if you're bfing it'll be a while longer yet.

I posted a similar question here while pg and got a bit of a flaming from a few people (partly deserved, but I still think not entirely!), so do be aware that there are plenty of people who have felt fine to have even heavy drinking up to the due date (one poster pointed out that labour takes a while, so DH would easily be sober by the actual delivery even if drunk earlier shock), and that might be right for them. In the end you have to work out what is best for your own circumstances. Not so much help, but it does seem to be very individual! In my case I wish I had been bolshier about DH cutting down, DS arrived at 37 weeks and DH was still v hungover from a wedding the previous evening.hmm

MinesAPintOfTea Tue 24-Sep-13 05:55:46

YANBU Is your dm local? How would your dp react to her being on stand-by as replacement birth partner if he has had a few? Of he wants to be birth partner he needs to be available and sober because he's there to support you, not just observe.

Driz Tue 24-Sep-13 06:06:17

How old is he? Is he underage?
Otherwise maybe you should just trust his judgement?

PoppyWearer Tue 24-Sep-13 06:06:29

YANBU at all. DH and I had a similar agreement in place in the last weeks of both my pregnancies.

meganorks Tue 24-Sep-13 06:26:07

Seems a bit early to me. Babies do come early but not that early very often. Not sure a 2 drink limit is necessary either if not driving. How about just a simple 'dont get shit faced' or maybe 3 or 4 drinks.

Babies also come late - dp would have had a 7 week wait for more than 2 drinks!

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 06:46:56

Thanks all. Seems most people think its ok.
Don't know what is fish wifey about it, I'm hardly screaming at him about it confused

Also, don't know what his age has to do with it and of course he's not underage, what an odd thing to say!!

He does drive, but we don't own a car, so he's not currently driving and won't be driving us to the hospital.

3 or 4 drinks.......since he drinks pints, 4 seems quite alot, certainly its that point where judgement and sobriety starts to go out the window, for my dp anyway!!

Well, I at least feel better about having a proper discussion with dp about it, and see what we come to an agreement with. Thanks smile

lottiegarbanzo Tue 24-Sep-13 06:50:56

Can you ask him what he wants to suggest? The issue of unreasonableness only arises if one of you is trying to impose drunkenness or sobriety on the other. Is he not grown up enough to discuss, listen and make a decision?

TiredDog Tue 24-Sep-13 06:54:41

And when the baby is born? If you feel his sobriety is affected enough and frequently enough to risk being a useless birthing partner then what sort of father is he going to make?

TiredDog Tue 24-Sep-13 06:56:20

Either you're banning all drink (unreasonable) or asking him not to be rat arsed every evening (reasonable)

If its the latter tbh you won't change him.

TiredDog Tue 24-Sep-13 06:56:58

Should have read Even if its the latter...

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 07:02:07

He is very much set on the fact that when the baby is here, his drinking days become very much an occasional thing, so I'm not worried about that in the slightest.

I hadnt even thought about asking him to abstain before the baby was here until a couple weeks ago when he was very merry (he's not a bad drunk at all, just becomes a bit childish and not what I need when I'm in labour!!) and I was trying to get hold of him and couldn't and it dawned on me that we would be screwed if I was in labour!

I just didn't know what was acceptable to ask of him, and what other people tended to do.

gamerchick Tue 24-Sep-13 07:08:14

You can't tell another adult what to do. You make Ho. Stop for 5 weeks before and then for god knows how long afterwards I'm assuming?

No the Vs would be flicked. Controlling doesn't bode well imo. Let him make his own judgements because really if you can't trust him and impose sanctions on him for more than a month before d day.. why are you having babies with him?

karinmaria Tue 24-Sep-13 07:13:09

Don't understand why some posters have been a bit weird about this, calling you a fishwife etc. You've not said you're going to tell him to stop drinking, you've asked if it's reasonable to ASK and DISCUSS this with him as you're now heavily pregnant.

My DH voluntarily stopped drinking when I was officially at full term. I had brought it up earlier as he'd most likely be driving and he'd said he agreed, would stick to one or two drinks only and had been thinking about it already. I'd imagine that is how your conversation will go!

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 07:13:36

I never said I was going to be telling him to do anything.
Asking and having a discussion with him about it is completely different to telling him to do something.

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 07:15:50

Thankyou karin for reading my OP properly! Yes, I think that is exactly how our conversation will go to be honest, thinking about it now I'm certain he is already thinking about cutting it right down now or soon.

sparklekitty Tue 24-Sep-13 07:15:57

I ended up in hospital at 34 weeks with a bleed/possible early labour. My poor DH was in London hammered at a stag do, he had to get the train home and my mum get him from the station.

Luckily he acted sober enough to get onto the ward! I went to 40 weeks but he didn't drink after that! Poor guy was scared witless!

DidoTheDodo Tue 24-Sep-13 07:16:45

Crumbs....this never crossed my mind when I had my offspring.
In my experience labour takes so long he'd have plenty of time to sober up - as long as he wasn't completely blotto in the first place.

But it isn't something I would have asked of my H, especially 5 weeks before my due date.

ModeratelyObvious Tue 24-Sep-13 07:17:08

YANBU.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 24-Sep-13 07:19:46

Well how would he feel about missing the birth, actually because he hasn't heard his phone, or effectively because he's pissed? How would he feel about letting you down as your birth partner?

Surely that's a decision he can make and the incident when he didn't hear the phone should have alerted him to that too?

What you're suggesting is quite normal, most DPs would be driving anyway.

Lililly Tue 24-Sep-13 07:21:29

Yanbu
Do you enjoy drinking? I don't think it's very fair or supportive to leave you sober while he carries on as before.

YouTheCat Tue 24-Sep-13 07:30:35

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him not to get shitfaced for a few weeks.

It's not like you're demanding he stay completely sober.

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 07:34:46

Well dp has just woken up and one of the first things he has said (so he must have been thinking about it last night too) was "i don't think I'm going to drink at pool tonight, seems a bit risky now."

So seems I had nothing to worry about, he's made his own decision! No "controlling fish wifey" behaviour needed from me!!

YouTheCat Tue 24-Sep-13 07:35:41

Yay for the decent and reasonable!

BlackeyedSusan Tue 24-Sep-13 07:37:05

oh and firrst labours are not necessarily long.

pianodoodle Tue 24-Sep-13 07:48:06

Nothing controlling about that seems a reasonable concern to me!

Perfectly fine to request a non-drunk birth partner and since no one knows when the baby is going to come it makes sense to not get drunk for a few weeks.

Beastofburden Tue 24-Sep-13 08:08:29

Perfectly sensible for him to want to be in contact and not too pissed for the last few weeks. Good that he came up with it on his own, that's a good omen for the future. Enjoy the baby!

SmallBee Tue 24-Sep-13 08:21:07

Oh great news OP! Glad you don't have to have the conversation.

Was going to say I don't think its unreasonable at all though, depending on how your partner handles drink, a drunk or hungover birthing partner could be worse than useless! You want someone there who can coach & look after you, not someone who needs a good lie down in a quiet room.

And if he is out one of of his many (it seems) nights out with friends drinking, when you do go into labour, fret not. Labour might be long, and he will have plenty of time to sober up while you labour away. He will get there when he gets there.

How do you spend your time when he is out with friends?

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 08:35:41

Many nights out? I said he goes out one or two nights a week? Sometimes with me, sometimes with friends, sometimes with family. And doesn't always drink heavily.

If I choose not to go out with him, I either watch a DVD, read a book, have an early night, all sorts of things!

Well, you may not think once or twice is a lot now, but if he keeps this up, and you are left with a newborn, while his life does not change, then you might find it too much. Good luck.

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 08:48:01

Thanks. I did actually post earlier saying that he is already well aware that nights out will be an occasional thing when he's a dad.
I did also post about an hour ago saying he has made his own decision this morning about not drinking now.

I appreciate what your saying absolutely, but it would help for you to read the whole thread smile

CinnabarRed Tue 24-Sep-13 08:49:16

TBF, my first labour was 3 hours 5 mins....

I have read the whole thread. But I am also old and cynical, and every week there are new threads posted by mums who are in tears because their partners are out drinking and coming home pissing on the carpets/in babys cot, etc.

Please ensure you are not one of them. Nip any sign of him nipping down the pub after work because he is so tired, and baby is keeping him awake, etc, in the bud.

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 11:09:06

Thanks quintessential I know exactly what you mean! My xp was one of them.....without the baby so I dread to think what he is like with his current partner and their baby!

I have no worries about dp being like that at all, and I think I will be quite capable of nipping it in the bud if it does happen (along with his mums help who is his boss and the landlady of the pub where he would be likely to drink after work in!)

Sounds good. grin Good luck!

MmmmWhiteWine Tue 24-Sep-13 11:30:16

^Crumbs....this never crossed my mind when I had my offspring.
In my experience labour takes so long he'd have plenty of time to sober up^

^^this. I think you're over thinking things a bit. Chances are you will know the baby's on its way long before you're at the hospital. As long he's not going out getting absolutely hammered all the time then I wouldn't worry about it.

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 11:36:46

Thanks, he has already decided himself to not risk drinking much now anyway.

I am aware that most likely labour will be plenty long enough to sober him up etc but we would rather not take that chance! I've heard far too many stories about labour happening very suddenly and quickly to take the risk to be honest. Same with early babies! Both me and my brother were early and fast babies!

For instance, one previous poster said her labour was 3 hours, by the time I've got h

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 11:38:22

Thanks, he has already decided himself to not risk drinking much now anyway.

I am aware that most likely labour will be plenty long enough to sober him up etc but we would rather not take that chance! I've heard far too many stories about labour happening very suddenly and quickly to take the risk to be honest. Same with early babies! Both me and my brother were early and fast babies!

For instance, one previous poster said her labour was 3 hours, by the time I've got hold of him that could be an hour, and I'd rather not then spend the remaining 2 hours of my labour with a drunken or even tipsy idiot grin

SaucyJack Tue 24-Sep-13 11:49:15

YANBU at all. Why should you have to worry about needing to "sober him up" or whether you can get hold of him?- You're the one giving birth and he should be bloody grateful it isn't him doing all he can to make it as easy as possible for you. I'd be seriously worried about someone who couldn't stay off the piss for a few short weeks until their child was born.

(I realise this rant is academic as he has the basic decency to figure it out for himself)

mrstigs Tue 24-Sep-13 11:51:27

Is drinking really that important to some people? So important that its a big deal that a bloke might have to go 7 weeks only having two pints at a time? Its only alcohol. A pregnant woman has to make lots of 'sacrifices' during pregnancy and motherhood, but asking a man to reign in his alcohol intake for less than 2 months is a unreasonable? I find that baffling personally.
Glad your dh is being sensible op and you didn't need to point it out to him. Good on him.

Szeli Tue 24-Sep-13 12:08:02

Didn't think it was that big an issue!

Good on your partner for suggesting it himself.

My OH stopped drinking and smoking during my pregnancy (apart from his birthday) worked for us.

Szeli Tue 24-Sep-13 12:09:16

Ooh and my due date disco! We decided if everyone got drunk (oh, my best friends etc) it would be a really inappropriate time for me to go into labour so I would. Didnt work tho sad

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 12:14:15

Haha szeli that's fab!!! Shame it didn't work though!

The week before my due date, there is filming for a major film outside my house for 3 days and so the road is closed, and a yearly street fair which is huge.

It will be just typical for me to go into labour on one of those days and create all sorts of drama!

beepoff Tue 24-Sep-13 14:15:21

YANBU. My DH drank little throughout my pregnancy and even less in the last month of his own accord. Glad your DH is doing the same.

calopene Tue 24-Sep-13 20:33:09

You DO sound a bit neurotic about things tbh .......maybe your x partner has a more chilled out relationship with his wife and baby !

TalkativeJim Tue 24-Sep-13 20:40:15

Calopene - your posts: snippy, too eager to hurt, rather 'bitch-festy'.

Viviennemary Tue 24-Sep-13 20:40:26

In the grand scheme of things I'd say it wasn't worth the bother. Unless he is drinking far too much than is reasonable for his health in which case he shouldn't be drinking so much anyway.

calopene Tue 24-Sep-13 20:42:16

It sounded controlling and neurotic that's all. The whole attitude was just itching for a big row .......

PurpleFairy3 Tue 24-Sep-13 20:44:54

My DH drank throughout my pregnancy. I didn't have a problem with it - I wouldn't ask him to stop just because I had to.

HOWEVER, I definitely would not have liked the idea of him being drunk while I was giving birth! A couple of drinks is one thing - getting drunk is quite another.

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 22:09:49

Umm I left my xp because of his aggressive and violent nature towards me when he had been drinking. And it has nothing to do with my current relationship, I'm alot of things but controlling isn't one of them Thankyou.

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 22:11:45

And I've not once asked my dp to stop drinking, I've not once said that! I've just said wibu to ask him to stick to a couple and not get drunk, and I haven't actually had to ask him as he has made that decision for himself!

Daffodilly Tue 24-Sep-13 23:02:26

YANBU. MY DH went on a last big bender for mates stag do when I was 36+6. Waters went that night. I had to get taxi ALONE to hospital as he was in no fit state. Luckily I was sent home to labour and he came in with me for birth. BUT he complained a lot about his hangover! Upside is he looks worse than me in first photos!!

Lj8893 Tue 24-Sep-13 23:07:21

Thanks daffodilly that is exactly the situation I was worried about, and my dp has said the same!

Quite liking the idea of him looking worse than me in the photos though......

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