to leave my partner because he doesn't want anymore children?

(102 Posts)
CharlMascaras Mon 23-Sep-13 19:29:44

I love my partner and he really is my world.

We have been together for two years and I am getting to the stage where I would like to have a baby. My DP already has a child, well to be fair she isn't a child as she's actually almost 18.

We had the chat about marriage about 6 months ago and he said he never wants to get married again and that it's not really important these days and if it's failed the first time why would it work the second time?

Ok I don't agree but I accepted that.

Now he has told me that he doesn't want anymore children. He and his daughter are like best friends and she lived with him when the divorce was happening (and still does live with us). I am really jealous of their relationship just because I feel like I am never going to experience something like that.

I feel his attitude is - been there and done that and he had the marriage and baby with someone and I will have to miss out on those wonderful experiences because of it.

His mind seems set and I would never consider getting pregnant by "accident" - aibu to call this whole thing off even though I love him?

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Mon 23-Sep-13 19:31:15

Will you still love him in 10 years or will resentment have soured your feelings for him?

IMO, a mismatch of feelings like this is a big dent in your compatibility. You may think the world of him but if the two of you want wildly different things in life, you are not going to make one another happy.

BoysRule Mon 23-Sep-13 19:33:18

I honestly don't see how it can ever work if you want children and he doesn't. I think you will never get over that desire and over the years will come to resent him for not allowing you to have children. I think you are right to never consider getting pregnant by accident. He has been honest about his views.

I do feel it is slightly unfair of him not to consider it or to take your desires into consideration. He has a child, but not with you. Although I don't think men feel the physical desire to have children.

Good luck.

NotYoMomma Mon 23-Sep-13 19:33:21

I would leave if I wanted children.

BOF Mon 23-Sep-13 19:33:49

Yes, all you can do is leave, hard though it feels.

DoudousDoor Mon 23-Sep-13 19:35:17

I would leave. My cousin didnt and now at 50 and childless she really regrets it (tho is still with her boyfriend of a couple of decades!)

CharlMascaras Mon 23-Sep-13 19:40:42

I don't know ... sometimes I get the impression perhaps he thinks he will never love another child as much as his first?

It just baffles me how much he can love his daughter and see her as his biggest achievement and be so close to her and ... then not want another child.

I think leaving would be in your best interests if you want a child.

MissStrawberry Mon 23-Sep-13 19:44:43

I would stop trying to second guess his feelings and concentrate on your own.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 23-Sep-13 19:46:34

If you aren't prepared to live without the chance to have your own dc, then of course you should leave.

He's been honest with you, and now it's up to you what you do with that information.

Skinheadmermaid Mon 23-Sep-13 19:46:42

Think carefully if you want a baby that much. My mothers friend spent seven years with a man that didn't want children.
Eventually they broke up as she couldn't bear it, she met and was with someone else and had a baby at 42. Shes since broken up with him but her daughter is 5 now and means the world to her.

picnicbasketcase Mon 23-Sep-13 19:46:50

YANBU, I'm sorry to say. If he's certain he doesn't want anymore, and you're certain you do, there's no compromise to be had.

maddening Mon 23-Sep-13 19:51:03

yes, if he is clear that he doesn't want dc and you do I would leave.

BarbarianMum Mon 23-Sep-13 19:51:14

I don't think having a child is something you can compromise on, unfortunately. And yes I think you should leave and find someone who wants the things in life you want.

I know it's not easy to contemplate leaving someone you love but please don't be one of those women who hang on and on hoping to change his mind.

needaholidaynow Mon 23-Sep-13 19:54:43

One of the reasons I left my ex was because he couldn't see himself having kids. I couldn't take that chance.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Mon 23-Sep-13 19:57:44

I would leave in your shoes.

CharlMascaras Mon 23-Sep-13 20:00:42

What he says is that he just can't see it happening.

The thing is he is already such a fantastic dad.

I don't know if I want a baby or I just want his baby.

CharlMascaras Mon 23-Sep-13 20:02:55

And btw thank you for all the replies.

time4anamechange Mon 23-Sep-13 20:12:41

I would leave if I were in your position.

Miss out on having children you will regret.

EverybodysStressyEyed Mon 23-Sep-13 20:13:28

Is it his age? does he think he couldn't give a second child the same as he gave his first?

Anyway, it sounds like you need to really think about how important having a child is to you and take it from there

you may find that he may come round to the idea if it is so important to you

notthefirstagainstthewall Mon 23-Sep-13 20:16:15

So he's not going to marry or have children with you? So he see's you as what -a good friend with benefits?

IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 20:20:24

I don't think you have any choice but to leave. It would be really hard Im sure but otherwise you may regret your choice. Particularly if you split up one day and you've left it too late. The feeling of regret at never having had children can be enormous, and can't be just made better by having a man in your life, no matter how much you love him. A man won't be any consolation.

I think it's more likely that you want children than you simply wanting his children. I think he is being v unfair considering you have no dc and he has one.
Leave now. Don't waste three or five years waiting for him to change his mind. He won't.

IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 20:21:57

Also, perhaps, just perhaps, if you leave he may realise what he's losing and decide that actually another baby might be good. But you can't rely on that. Don't threaten to leave if you are not prepared to.

DownstairsMixUp Mon 23-Sep-13 20:21:59

I agree with the others, you will end up resenting this later on and if i were in your shoes i would leave to, as hard as it seems. sad

specialsubject Mon 23-Sep-13 20:23:18

this is so sad, but there is clearly no compromise.

be aware that there is a chance that you may not be able to have children.

you have a tough decision to make. He has told you how it is.

ChasedByBees Mon 23-Sep-13 20:26:56

I think I would leave. It might depend on age (if I could wait to see if he would change his mind) but I think I'd have to be / he'd have to be early 20's for that decision. If he has an 18 yr old I'm guessing he's not.

TiggyD Mon 23-Sep-13 20:30:30

LTNMWWADF

Leave the nice man who wants a different future.

You're just not compatable and you can't really comprimise on a baby. Sometimes it's nobodys fault.

MortifiedAdams Mon 23-Sep-13 20:34:19

You want marriage. He doesn't.

You want kids. He doesn't.

Don't waste the best years of your life with this man.

expatinscotland Mon 23-Sep-13 20:35:37

He's telling you who he is. Listen to him. Move on.

hermioneweasley Mon 23-Sep-13 20:36:38

What mortified and expat say

Halfbaked Mon 23-Sep-13 20:37:30

I was in a similar position to you. It took all my courage but I left, we split fairly amicably because we both knew we wanted different things and that wasn't going to change.
18 months later he changed his mind, he is now my DH and we have a DD with DC2 on the way.
I know he was worried how he would feel about DD as he loves his son so much. Ultimately it brought us and our future into focus for him.
I know this was an unusual outcome and some friends were wary about us getting back together. However I never regretted leaving, I would have regretted not having children though.

theneedajobname Mon 23-Sep-13 20:38:15

That is a terrifically sad situation, OP, and I'm sorry you're in it.

But consider this: You stay with him until it's too late to have children, and he leaves you for some reason. Or you decide that you want to leave him, but you have so much invested in this relationship - after all, it's the reason you never had children - that you cannot bring yourself to leave even though you want to. I've seen friends in both situations in their mid-40s and it's horrible.

Don't threaten him with leaving. Just leave. It's not his fault he doesn't want children any more than it's yours for wanting them.

flipchart Mon 23-Sep-13 20:42:26

I disagree with northernlurker
I think he has been very fair. He has laid his cards in the table. It's up to the OP what she does with them. He hasn't led her on with any'we'll see' or ' not yet' lines. He has been very straight.

marriedinwhiteisback Mon 23-Sep-13 20:43:13

I think if you loved him enough to marry him you would be able to accept what he wants on the baby front. Sorry OP - he's the wrong one for you.

This is one of those rare things where there is no compromise at all, either you have children or you don't. There is no middle ground. If you feel determined to have children and he is so obviously determined not to have them, then there really is only one way out IMO. If you stay with him you will come to resent him, if you get pregnant by 'accident' then he will probably resent you. No winners there. I'd get out if I was you.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 23-Sep-13 20:45:05

"I think if you loved him enough to marry him you would be able to accept what he wants on the baby front."

That would be true for him too.

He doesn't want to marry her and he's not interested in doing what she wants on the baby front.

Chesntoots Mon 23-Sep-13 21:00:56

It was the other way round for me. I didn't want children and my ex did. It did drive a wedge - he would drop not very subtle hints and it wore me down. In the end we split up. It wasn't the main reason, but it was a major part.
He has since gone on and had a baby girl and I am still happily childfree.
Please don't waste your life waiting for him to change his mind. If he is like me, he won't, and he will resent you as much as you will resent him.
My thoughts are with you for this difficult decision.

OccamsRaiser Mon 23-Sep-13 22:01:27

I was in a similar situation - my DP of 3 years was 12 years older, with an 10yo DS (who I absolutely loved to bits) We'd been talking about the future and marriage and kids, but as it came closer (and as I turned 30 and started to think about it in the near/er future) he decided that he really didn't want the disruption to what was a very nice "comfortable" life.

It broke my heart, as I really did love him and see a future together, but I had to appreciate his honesty. And while we broke up but drifted along in a limbo-state of still-loving-each-other but not being in a relationship, I realized after a few months that it wasn't ever going to bring me the happiness that I wanted. So, like ripping off a bandaid, we stopped contact and moved on.

As it turned out, I met my DH a few months later, and we're happy together with one DS and another baby on the way. He ended up meeting someone with a child almost the same age as his DS and having a baby with her. So go figure! But I really believe that you can't go along living as though you're waiting/hoping for things to change. If it's 'meant to be', one or the other may use the time apart to think about priorities and whether the relationship outweighs the preference for/not for children. But I suspect you'll realise that it's better to find someone who does want the same things out of life, and you can't really compromise on children!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 23-Sep-13 22:47:41

Yanbu. He is not the right person for you. Move on.

FatPenguin Mon 23-Sep-13 22:56:39

I agree with flipchart - he has been honest with you. Be thankful that you have found this out before it is too late for you to have a child of your own.
This must be such a difficult decision for you to make but I really don't think you could 'switch off' your want for a baby. I know I couldn't.

Yakky Mon 23-Sep-13 23:05:26

Surely if you have been together for 2 years this conversation must have occurred before?
Did you not know his views on marraige and kids a long time ago?
And he may not want to have any more kids because he knows how bloody hard work they are, especially babies and night feeds and lack of sleep, etc because he's already been through it.

passedgo Mon 23-Sep-13 23:11:46

YANBU, he is showing little regard for your wishes. It is a very sad situation for both of you, but I'm sure it will be for the best if you separate.

In your position I would leave the relationship sad. You are looking for different things from the rest of your lives, it's a really fundemental incompatibility. So sorry sad.

Scholes34 Mon 23-Sep-13 23:13:14

Get yourself to Ambridge. This is exactly the reason Tom and Brenda split up, but it was Tom who wanted children, not Brenda, and she decided to split with him. Meanwhile, Tom's sister, Helen, desperately wanted a baby and, with no man on the scene, decided to go it alone and had a baby through donor insemination.

Kewcumber Mon 23-Sep-13 23:13:51

I was in a similar position (though slightly different)

I left

I eventually became a single parent to a now 7 year old.

Never regretted a day of it - would rather have DS in my life a million times over than exP

Kewcumber Mon 23-Sep-13 23:14:38

Scholes - I adopted (rather than DI)... I am an Ambridge plot!

Scholes34 Mon 23-Sep-13 23:19:39

Kew - well done to you. No doubt a very difficult decision, but pleased to hear how much happiness your DS brings to you. Ultimately, Brenda's decision was a very loving one.

MrsKoala Mon 23-Sep-13 23:19:40

I divorced my exH because he didn't want dc (well he said he'd think about them when he was 37 - it would have made me 40 and then if he decided no i would have been screwed and wasn't prepared to take that risk). It was heart breaking but i now have a DS and am planning on more. I'm so glad i made the tough decision. I would have resented him forever.

My friend was with a man with 2 grown up dc and he didn't want anymore children. She couldn't fathom it, as he loved them and had a great relationship with them. But that isn't the point really is it? No matter how much you love your children, there is a point when you don't want anymore. (i adore DS but wouldn't want more than 3 of him) and that is quite okay to feel that way.

I think you need to move on. It will hurt tho. Sorry.

Kewcumber Mon 23-Sep-13 23:22:54

Ironically the ex and I met up recently and he now has a child with his current wife.

I made the right decision because it transpired that he did eventually decide he wanted children - he didn't want them with me.

Or at least not enough to stop me leaving.

expatinscotland Tue 24-Sep-13 04:46:30

Went to sleep and then woke up, as per usual.

Look, so sorry, but you need to leave because he is being honest with you.

Ex h and I had a house together, cars, a so-called good life. He decided he never wanted children and now, 12 years later, he doesn't have them. He had a vasectomy and later remarried a woman who had been sterilised before she met him, in her mid-30s, happily childfree.

I left our house, our cars, our life, for even the promise of DD1, for in my conscience I felt okay with trying and possibly never succeeding, but not okay with never trying at all.

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to marry and have children, or not. But it is totally beyond the bounds of compromise, and my conclusion was that the least I could do was provide whatever child I with a father who so wanted him or her.

And so that's what needed to be done.

I didn't want a father who wasn't 100% on board, and considered co-parenting with a gay male couple or going it alone because I grew to accept myself as someone who wanted children and that that was not an unrealistic or wrong desire.

Now I have a daughter and son left to me, and I try to teach them, all the time, that normal human desires have all kinds of bounds, and they are all okay as long as they do not harm others and you are honest and upfront about them. And if you need to walk away, one way or another, that's okay, too, but don't string people along, or lie, and he has not.

He has not. He has told you the truth. Listen, take it on board and do what you must for you. Because life is very short, and we have only one shot at it.

Cut your losses and do what you feel is best for you.

I did, Kew did, we both became the mothers we wanted to be, and you can, too.

Morloth Tue 24-Sep-13 05:01:59

You need to leave.

It is sad, but you both want completely different things.

Neither of you is wrong, you are just not compatible.

MimiSunshine Tue 24-Sep-13 08:33:56

Sit him down, tell him you love him. Can't imagine being without him but you do want children. You can compromise on marriage (if you truly can) but children are a definite.

Set a time frame, tell him you won't leave straight away but if he still doesn't want children by Christmas then you will leave. Start the New Year heartbroken afresh ready to eventually meet someone who does want children.
But you have to follow it through. If he does change his mind, make sure you agree a time frame to start trying.

Beastofburden Tue 24-Sep-13 08:36:49

If he has a DC aged 18 then I am guessing he is around 20 years older than you are. Tis is different from a couple of similar age where one person isn't ready for kids yet. He has already done those early years of parenting, been right the way through it, and is now out the other side. Looking forward to some fun years with less responsibility, not in a selfish way but because that is how we parents of 20 somethings feel.

If he can have that fun with a lovely, young, sexy woman why wouldn't he? I don't think there is much chance of him changing his mind. Sme men are prepared to do the parenting thing twice, but they are rare.

I think you need to make it clear to him that you want and need something from the next 20 years of your life that he is currently denying you, althohugh he ahd it himself. he already knows he is doing this, of course. He may realise he loves you enough to have a second family. Or you may, very sadly, have to part as friends.

Trills Tue 24-Sep-13 08:38:36

It just baffles me how much he can love his daughter and see her as his biggest achievement and be so close to her and ... then not want another child.

If that made sense then why would anyone ever stop having children? If the logic was I love my child(ren) therefore I want more children to love then everyone would keep having them as long as they were physically able.

mrsjay Tue 24-Sep-13 08:47:20

you have no children he has one I think he is being selfish and unfair on you and the relationship does he really expect you to not want children because he doesn't . please try and talk this out with him I cant tell you to leave him but I think if you want children then you are going to have a serious think about it, he might not change his mind ever would you be ok in 20 years when his daughter has her own children and his grandchildren and you still have no child , and some women think if they get pregnant anyway their men will love the baby eventually they just become resentful

CoteDAzur Tue 24-Sep-13 08:48:01

How old are you? How old is he? How long have you been together?

Did you really not know before that he doesn't want children with you? This is the sort of thing people talk about before they get to the "partner" stage.

CoteDAzur Tue 24-Sep-13 08:50:03

"he never wants to get married again and that it's not really important these days and if it's failed the first time why would it work the second time?"

Err because he is more compatible with you than his ex-wife? Because you are lovelier and he loves you more?

If he has no hope that your relationship will work in the long term, no wonder he doesn't want a child with you. Sorry sad

I would leave.

His first marriage failed, he does not see that a marriage to you might not because you are a different person.

He already has a child, so wont have any more.

He is laying it out honestly to you. What he is effectively saying is HE has been married, so if you stay with him, you wont get marriage. HE has a child, so if you stay with him, you wont get to experience motherhood.

He cant put it any clearer than this!

You and him have different goals in life. He is done with the whole marriage and kids shebang, and you are not.

You sound young. You will love again.

If he has no hope that your relationship will work in the long term, no wonder he doesn't want a child with you.

Yes, exactly.

FunLovinBunster Tue 24-Sep-13 08:53:32

This is really sad situation for you OP.
I think it's increasing issue now.
I left my ex because I wanted to have a child, or at least foster/adopt. We weren't married and had no DCs.
I met someone else, and we have a DD.
All the best, OP.

Ragwort Tue 24-Sep-13 08:58:36

I don't think he is being selfish at all, he is being totally honest. He doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want to have any more children.

He has made his position entirely clear, if you want marriage and children then you need to leave him and move on.

Please, please don't try and make him change his mind or trick him into becoming a parent with you - that is not fair on him, you or the unborn child.

Respect his opinion, as he should respect your opinion, and agree to separate.

comingalongnicely Tue 24-Sep-13 09:01:16

I can see where he's coming from - his child is 18, and adult & someone he can get along with. More importantly, she's now relatively independant.

He probably doesn't want to revert to having a baby/toddler etc taking over his life again - I wouldn't.

You have to respect the fact that he doesn't want children, as he has to respect the fact that you do.

At least he's been honest & open, you should both sit down & talk about where you're going...

theboutiquemummy Tue 24-Sep-13 09:04:01

I think babies are the least of your worries did he really say that about marriage, if that's the case it's indicative of how he feels about you he's not even taking into consideration that you are a different person from his ex

You have some serious thinking to do

I was with someone for a while, lived together, they didn't want any more children - they already had teenagers. Although I mostly left for other reasons - not wanting children is/was a dealbreaker for me.

IMHO it's extra difficult because you can't compromise.

But if you definitely want to have children, you need to plan to have them with someone else, sorry.

And to be perfectly frank, I would not consider a life with a man 20 years older than me, and no kids.

I will be very lonely. Care for an old man who may be 70 when I am 50, and no children. You need to take the long view here.

And your dp needs to find a woman his age who can grow old with him and who does not want any more kids either.

avolt Tue 24-Sep-13 10:45:56

It would be a deal breaker for me. I think you have to move on. I don't think he's being selfish but that he just doesn't want another dc. It's a huge responsibility having a dc. He's been honest, he doesn't want to do that again. It's very sad but unfortunately your life plans are not compatible.

juneau Tue 24-Sep-13 10:49:49

I agree that if you want a child and that is very important to you, you should leave. He's being honest here and with his only child now being an adult I can totally understand why he wouldn't want to go back to babies and nappies and all the myriad restrictions that small children place on your life. TBH, I wouldn't want to go back to it either now - and my youngest is only two. When you're mentally 'done' with that stage, you're done.

Since you are only at the 'thinking about it' stage, I'd cut your losses. Missing out on having your own DC because someone else is done with that stage of life would be a deal-breaker for me.

gamerchick Tue 24-Sep-13 10:50:46

I think know you need to have a proper conversation with your bloke. You can't compromise on kids and he needs to know know that never having kids isn't apart of your future. He's been honest with you and now it's your turn.

bigbrick Tue 24-Sep-13 10:50:52

He has a child and you don't and would like one. Why should you agree to him and regret this. I'd say move on and find someone who wants the same in life as you.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Tue 24-Sep-13 10:57:51

Yes I would leave. Yanbu.

I wouldn't be with someone who didn't share the same life goals as me concerning marriage and children. It's like Monica and Richard in Friends It would be very hard to leave someone you love for this reason though sad I feel for you, OP.

Andcake Tue 24-Sep-13 11:04:55

If you can't see yourself without a child - leave him - depending on your age your desire for a child will grow. But be honest and I like the suggestion of giving him some advanced warning. he has been honest with you and thats fine.

On the marriage front - I love my DP passionately but never want to get married again as very similar reasons to your DP. I have an evil exH. And really i can't even when I got married couldn't see the fuss about marriage - waste of time and money in my mind - and I don't want to be bound to anyone or change my name. I think women who need it to validate 'love' as a bit needy. I let dp (father of DS) know v early on I had no plans to ever get married again (actually in first conversation as we were actually at a wedding) but we certainly see each other for keeps. But are honest with each other that relationships often don't last for ever.
However marriage is a short cut to lots of great legal rights and that is something to be weighed up. But the you can just pop to a registry office on a Saturday morning.

Abra1d Tue 24-Sep-13 11:07:28

My brother and his then girlfriend split up because he already had two children, older teenagers, and didn't want more. Then he really missed her and they got back together, had years of IVF and now have a baby.

Not sure she thought they would get back together though, while they were apart, and it would have been a high-risk strategy.

Mumsyblouse Tue 24-Sep-13 11:13:43

Lots of people are saying he's been honest, but he hasn't been rushing forward with the information in two years that actually he is just fine with having a younger partner and all the positives that go with that, but just won't entertain in any way having another child.

It may be honest, but it's not very kind. It is fairly obvious that if you are with a younger person, some conversations about how they might or might not like to have children may have been in order and I find it significant that the OP didn't broach it herself for a long time either, perhaps suspecting the truth of the matter.

Sometimes people do not have exactly the same desire for a child, I know several older men with younger women who, perhaps in a different world, have already had one family and wouldn't all things being equal, had a second family. But most seem to have realised that by choosing a younger women, having a family is at least on the table and have been happy to go ahead with that if it is very important to their partner. I'm sure one of my good friend's husband's wouldn't have been searching around to have another child in his late-forties, but she made it very clear from the outset (unlike the OP for the reason I suspect) that she would want a child- they have one, lovely cherished child and he is a great second time dad.

I would leave this relationship, because the man is saying he doesn't want to get married or have a child despite how important those things are to the person he supposedly adores and to not even have any flexibility or discussion two years in- basically you either like it or lump it. I would lump it and go and find someone else.

MotherofBear Tue 24-Sep-13 11:16:14

I may have missed it, but I can't see that you've said you've told him you do want kids. Have you actually had a proper conversation about it, or has he just told you he doesn't want any more?

My DP doesn't want more, I'm not completely sure. We've talked about it, and agreed to discuss it again in a few months. I know that's not the same situation as yours, but we both care about each other enough to talk about it and think about what the other one wants/doesn't want.

If you haven't had a real, proper, heartfelt discussion then you need to do that before making any other decisions.

LittlePeaPod Tue 24-Sep-13 11:21:13

Op I think you need to decide what is most important in your life. A child or a childless life but still with your DP. What matters is that you never wake up and regret how your life panned out. If children are important to you then you may need to accept that this relationship isnt the one for you regardless of how you feel.

Kewcumber I am on the other side of your experience. My DH always said he never want children and never wanted to get married. He was so adamant that even his parents had resigned themselves to never having grandchildren from him. He had several relationships prior to us meeting and some ended because his DPs at the time wanted marriage, children or some form of commitment. We met when he was 37 I was 33 and he has always said that he knew from the moment we met he would marry me and we would have a family. We are married and our DD is due 2nd January. So I agree with you point that sometimes people (men and women) change their view on this depending on their partner.

CupOCoffee Tue 24-Sep-13 11:34:31

I agree with Mumsyblouse

flipchart Tue 24-Sep-13 12:30:22

Mumsy
Maybe the pair of them have been happy with the status quo for the last two years and have just let things jog on happily.

He hasn't been unfair at all or should we turn this thread into a one about a bloke being in the wrong!

All this is is a case of wanting different things and being at different points in their life. it's not about fairness/unfairness. It's about desires.

gotthemoononastick Tue 24-Sep-13 13:31:08

Very good point by Quintessential. 'An old man is like a pot plant..sits on the verandah doing nothing and has to be looked after' (African saying)

Beastofburden Tue 24-Sep-13 13:37:05

Oooh got that actually sounds rather nice. Is it too early for me to start being an old woman?

Lweji Tue 24-Sep-13 13:52:25

I'm sorry to say, but perhaps he doesn't want to marry you and have another child with you.

I have seen in men and women too and I feel sorry for their partners (now exs, as they went on to have children and/or marry someone else).

It's possible you want a child with this man, not just a child, but is it working both ways?

You could simply be convenient for him.

Ultimately it might be kinder to you if you leave.

rosielovestractors Tue 24-Sep-13 20:32:05

Hello just read your post, I'm in a very similar situation apart from the fact we are married. I have spent the last 5 years wanting to start a family and he will not budge on the fact that he has his 3 boys and will not have any more. My feelings are now turning to resentment, I posted on here earlier today and the advice has helped a lot. It's good to talk to people outside the situation. I've come to realise if he really cared at all he would consider this. I married him for goodness sakesad please don't waste another 5 years like I have.
All the very best

ModeratelyObvious Tue 24-Sep-13 21:57:21

OP has said she is getting to the stsge that she would like a baby, and that they talked about marriage six months ago:

I don't think this man has been shy with his opinions and frankly I'm not surprised that someone with an 18 year old doesn't want another child - that would probably be my default assumption so he may not have thought it needed saying.

OP, I think you and he are at different life stages - don't you want to meet someone who shares your hopes and dreams?

Bogeyface Tue 24-Sep-13 22:06:13

I was the wife after H told his ex that he didnt want to get married or have more children (he already had one). His ex went batshit and cyberstalked us both for a while. It wasnt marriage or children he was opposed to as such, just that he didnt want either of them with her.

Sorry sad

jollygoose Tue 24-Sep-13 22:08:35

I would leave it sounds like hes a selfish arse - he hasnt given much thought to your needs

moggiek Tue 24-Sep-13 22:12:09

You will never come to terms with giving up your chance for motherhood. Ultimately, it will sour your relationship to the point where you will split anyway, perhaps too late for you to make another. Sorry to sound so pessimistic, but I have seen it happen.

ModeratelyObvious Tue 24-Sep-13 22:14:34

Can I put the other side - my cousin met a woman who had a child at 18, so said child was around 17 when they met. She'd done single parenthood and established a great career, house and hobbies. He did want to be a father. They were on and off for a while but they have decided to make a go of it and not have children.

I don't think she was selfish and I don't think this guy is either.

Morloth Tue 24-Sep-13 23:20:20

I don't think he is being selfish at all.

They are just at different life stages.

If DH and I were to split for whatever reason it would not be selfish of me to tell any new partner that I did not wish to have any more children.

Nothing wrong with that at all, now if he was stringing her along and making promises he had no intention of keeping that would be selfish.

But he isn't, he has laid his cards on the table.

Bogeyface Wed 25-Sep-13 00:22:03

Morloth I agree, I dont think he is being selfish. Quite the opposite actually. He must know that by saying he definitely doesnt want the two things that the OP wants most, he is risking their relationship but has been honest and given her the chance to decide rather than realise 10/15/20 years down the line that she was taken for a ride.

The question is what means more to the OP, never having children or never having him? For me, I have to say that I would sacrifice this relationship in order to have children.

MiauMau Wed 25-Sep-13 00:37:23

You could try a deadline.
I had a big talk with DH who was weary due to our age difference (he's younger than me) and gave him a deadline which was a bit over a year. I was really surprised when months later, inspired by my sister's pregnancy, he told me that we should make a baby as it would be beautiful.

GoshAnneGorilla Wed 25-Sep-13 01:36:19

Walk away OP.

I know a lovely women, who really wanted children, but spent 10 years with someone who didn't. He was always upfront about this, but she was so in love and thought he'd make such a good father that he would change his mind. He didn't.

Now they've split and health problems mean she wouldn't be able to conceive. Very, very sad.

Don't let that be you.

Phylis81 Wed 25-Sep-13 12:41:28

I would definitely leave. I'm in a similar situation, my DP has had the snip so we can't have anymore kids - I accept that as we both have children so neither of us are missing out there.

However, he has the same attitude about marriage as your DP does "been there, done that, don't really want to do it again." and I don't accept that. It's utterly selfish to expect your partner to go without something as important as kids/marriage simply because you've been there and done it. My DP now says he will try and get his head around the idea of marriage and "thinks" he will be ok with it in a couple of years. I'm going to give it around 2 years and if we're not at least engaged by then I'll probably end up leaving which will break my heart but if he doesn't love me enough to see how important this is to my life then he obviously isn't the one. Same with your DP.

flipchart Wed 25-Sep-13 12:57:16

It's utterly selfish to expect your partner to go without something as important as kids/marriage simply because you've been there and done it

It's not selfish. It's an opinion some people have. Once bitten twice shy and all that.
It could be argued that it is selfish to expect someone to marry you despite them doing it before and you weren't happy.

All it is is different expectations. Nothing wrong with them just not compatible to a relationship where people want different things.

LittlePeaPod Wed 25-Sep-13 13:20:15

Phylis81 please take this the right way. I am honestly interested in knowing your thoughts. Do you really want to get married to someone that in their heart of hearts doesn't want to get married? To know they are only doing it because you forced or emotionally blackmailed them into it? It conjurs up images of a shot gun wedding to me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't marry someone knowing they were doing it under duress rather than because it felt right for them as it does for me.

BarnYardCow Wed 25-Sep-13 13:27:37

I would leave too, your biological clock can tick for a long time, if anything happened to him, you may find it too late to have children with someone else.

Ragwort Wed 25-Sep-13 14:30:19

LittlePeaPod makes a very good point to Pyllis81 - surely if your DP has to be 'pressurised' into marriage then it clearly isn't the right thing to do - if he is saying he 'will think about it in two years time' - do you really want to be hanging around in the hope that he will change his mind hmm? If marriage is so important to you then I would walk away from that guy with my dignity rather than having to 'beg' him to get married.

Phylis81 Wed 25-Sep-13 15:05:57

yeah actually you both make good points and I suppose it is something I'll need to think about. I'm in no rush right now either way so I'm happy to stay as things are for now. Maybe I'll bring it up again in a years time and see how he feels about it and decide whether we're going to be compatible or not.

bedhaven Wed 25-Sep-13 15:22:07

It's an incompatibility that you're not likely to get over. IMHO There is no point investing your time, energy and fertile years into someone who ultimately wants different things. For me, it was a very early new relationship question and was a deal breaker for anything serious.

Your situation is anyway very different Phyllis. You both have children, but not with each other.

I take the view that marriage is really for the benefit of protecting family assets. If a man and a woman marry and have children, the legal unity of marriage ensures that the assets stay within the family, if one of the adults should die, or in case of a stroke or life limiting illness where the spouse has certain rights.

When a man and a woman both have children, they are protecting the assets for their own children, in the event that they should die. The children will inherit their parent, not the partner!

Jellybeanz1 Wed 25-Sep-13 18:18:17

If it's what you want you are going to be thinking this everytime something goes wrong in your relationship. Your sacrifice. I couldn't imaging not having my dc definitely the best decision I made, My dh wasn't keen so we had them late. He now admits best thing for him too. Why did I wait those 10 years for him to get his act together?

thebody Wed 25-Sep-13 18:25:54

I don't think he's selfish either. he doesn't want another child and you want to have one.

you either sacrifice your desire for the love if this man or you don't.

if you stay you can't resent.

only you can say how much having your own child jeans to you.

but don't hang around hoping he will change his mind as he may not and you may miss the boat.

thebody Wed 25-Sep-13 18:26:23

I don't think he's selfish either. he doesn't want another child and you want to have one.

you either sacrifice your desire for the love if this man or you don't.

if you stay you can't resent.

only you can say how much having your own child jeans to you.

but don't hang around hoping he will change his mind as he may not and you may miss the boat.

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