To think our daughter is more important than his hobby?

(53 Posts)
JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 11:47:53

Dd had contact with her father this weekend. She's 6. He picked her up from school on friday and returned her yesterday but forgot to bring back her shoes, coat and reading book despite me texting him a list of items to return. She won't get to change her reading book today which isn't that much of a big deal, though she's disappointed and annoyed. Luckily I had spare shoes for her but no spare coat. We walk 2 miles to/from school and it was 11 degrees here this morning so chilly enough to need a coat. I managed to get us a lift this morning but can't any other day this week. I text him telling him he'd forgotten it and he offered to bring it back on Friday morning. I said its cold, she needs it, head teacher said all children must have a coat now etc and couldn't he bring it tonight? He said he's busy with his hobby tonight and the next few nights. AIBU to demand he misses his hobby and return her coat? I can't afford to buy another and can't get to his house to collect it.

FeliciaDoolittle Mon 23-Sep-13 11:54:11

Why did you put in the bit about the head teacher? It's cold, she needs her coat. It's hardly rocket science.

What is his all important hobby?

EldritchCleavage Mon 23-Sep-13 11:56:15

I agree he should drop it off, it's pretty selfish to leave her to be cold all week because he doesn't want to bring it back.

In case he digs his heels in, could you order a taxi to go to his place and pick up the clothes for dropping off at your house? Ask him to pay for it though.

BarbarianMum Mon 23-Sep-13 12:00:41

Of course he should return it! It's a coat not a pair of socks! How far away isd he? Bet he could drop it off after his super-important hobby.

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:03:50

He's 30 miles away but gets free fuel from work so will only cost his time. I said the head teacher bit to him because he'll be more concerned about what head teacher thinks than about dd being cold.

FeliciaDoolittle Mon 23-Sep-13 12:07:16

Ah, a man who needs perceived authority to make him do something. I know one of them all too well. Tell him DD will tell the head teacher exactly why she doesn't have a coat.

He's an arse.

hermioneweasley Mon 23-Sep-13 12:07:18

He's a twat. Tell him he can either bring it tonight or Paypal you the money to buy another one

YouTheCat Mon 23-Sep-13 12:09:32

So what does he expect you to do until Friday? What a moron.

anon2013 Mon 23-Sep-13 12:11:19

What an annoying mean man. He's made a mistake he should fix it.

rooobarbb Mon 23-Sep-13 12:13:10

Can get a cheap coat for a couple of quid in a charity shop to use this week and then send her with that one when she goes to his in future?

rooobarbb Mon 23-Sep-13 12:13:34

And I meant to say, YANBU, he sounds an arse!

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:14:27

He's going to let me know later if he can rearrange his hobby apparently. He's been told to sort his priorities out and is now ranting about how unreasonable I am. Will be telling him he can bank transfer me money for a new one if not returning it tonight. It's so frustrating - he's only just started collecting dd from school on his Fridays, he's been late both times despite not working on Fridays and has forgotten important things both times. You'd think you'd just do it properly wouldn't you? It's like he's trying to goad me into saying he can't collect her if he can't do it properly. Which he probably is sad

JohnnyUtah Mon 23-Sep-13 12:15:04

What an arse. Long term, though, is this a sign that you are going to need duplicates of things now your DD has started school?

IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 12:15:51

What a selfish twat!

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:18:00

YouTheCat - he said 'she can manage' and then 'any normal person would just say don't worry I've got a spare, you do your hobby...!
Rooobarbb- good thinking but dd already feels uneasy about him collecting her so changing clothes accordingly just emphasises it for her - if that makes sense?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 23-Sep-13 12:18:03

Can't he post it to you? It could be with you tomorrow.

IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 12:18:55

She'll be chilly at lunch time poor little thing.

Does he really think she should go without a coat all week? Is he stupid?

Id mention it to the teacher at pick up and say her dad is withholding her coat and things, and that you are trying to sort it out. I would make sure they know that you aren't neglectful.

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:19:14

Johnny - she's in year 2 but he's only just started collecting her.

IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 12:19:51

So does she have a spare or is he talking crap?

From the title I was expecting you to be complaining about your husband spending a couple of hours playing football on a Saturday afternoon, but my word YANBU! I love the idea of threatening to get him done off the headmistress if he doesn't bring it round. Seriously though, he sounds like a fucking manchild. Annoying enough that he forgot the coat, but doubly so as you'd actually texted to remind him.

wonderingsoul Mon 23-Sep-13 12:20:49

i agree buy a a real cheap basic one, check facebook selling pages, she can wear it this week then send it in on fridays, also are you able to talk tot eh school and see if you can get home/work/bookbag sent hom thursday, as i can see him causing more issues in the long run.

hes a twat.

StanleyLambchop Mon 23-Sep-13 12:21:14

'any normal person would just say don't worry I've got a spare, you do your hobby...! hmm

YouTheCat Mon 23-Sep-13 12:21:22

So he just expects you to magic up a spare?

Is this Friday contact through court? If it's not I'd be tempted to get him to pick your dd up from yours slightly later if that is possible. He still gets time on a Friday but you know all her uniform/coat/homework is at home.

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:21:56

IShouldNotBeHere - it's pathetic though isn't it and embarrassing for dd and I. I already had to ask her teacher not to send letters on his Fridays as he didn't pass them/info onto me and dd missed out on things at school as a result.

YouTheCat Mon 23-Sep-13 12:22:53

Also, he is late picking her up which is terrible.

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:25:47

He used to do just that, YouTheCat. School collection isn't through court so may have to revert if this carries on. Heaven forbid he take any responsibility!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 23-Sep-13 12:27:35

Why can't he post it?

Mumsyblouse Mon 23-Sep-13 12:27:57

He is a twat, no doubt. But I would get a back up for a coat- either a really cheap and cheerful one, or a mac and an extra jumper. Children often forget their coat from school, and when mine do this, they just have to run fast with their macs/jumpers on.

But- you can't have spare everything, and spare shoes will cost a lot, so you are right to bring this up with him. He needs to put everything she has on on Fri night in a big bag (perhaps give him one labelled 'X's school stuff') and then have it returned Sun.

But he is still a twat- no coat, no shoes, really stupid behaviour (but he won't change so do have a plan B).

Thewhingingdefective Mon 23-Sep-13 12:34:51

So what is his really important hobby that makes it impossible to return his daughter's coat and shoes until the end of the week?

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:37:11

He's playing table tennis hmm

Ghoul - that would also require effort on his part. Plus she would still have no coat for tomorrow.

IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 12:37:24

Yes it is embarrassing but keep reminding yourself that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are no longer with this useless arse of a man.

I don't think you should be coming up with plans to avoid this in future, separate clothes, getting the school to not give her stuff on a Friday, because he doesn't get to just wash his hands of any responsibility. You shouldn't have to tie yourself up in knots trying to work around him and his uselessness.

Instead seeing as its not court ordered id knock it on the head. He's clearly not responsible enough to have her after school and it doesn't sound like she's happy about it anyway.

Its not so much that he forgot the coat, its his attitude afterwards.

IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 12:39:39

What sort of job does he do or looking after her whilst she's with him?

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:40:18

I agree, IShouldNotBeHere, that his attitude is the issue. Unfortunately if I stop it then he will be bleating on to dd about how they were going to fly to Disneyland for the weekend, but because mummy wouldn't him collect her from school they'll actually be doing bugger all.

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:41:06

A piss poor one. He supplies junk food and films and that's it for the weekend.

StuntGirl Mon 23-Sep-13 12:48:47

What an absolute cock. There isn't even a shred of logic in his thought process. He needs to skip his hobby for one night and bring the coat. Perhaps it will teach him not to be such a forgetful twat in the future.

Who in their right mind leaves a child without a coat for school!

IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 12:52:27

So he would lie and hurt your child and your relationship with her as a method of manipulation? Jesus Christ!

He sounds damaging to her. Fucking with her head and lying and things.

Is any of the contact court ordered?

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:52:56

Precisely, StuntGirl. He said I use any excuse to start an argument, I said I wouldn't have an 'excuse' if he'd remembered it and that I'm not starting an argument, just reminding him where his priorities should lie. He forgot it = he returns it. Simple!

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:54:30

No, none court ordered. But his games don't warrant stopping contact according to the courts, unfortunately.

Gracie990 Mon 23-Sep-13 12:55:43

He can bring it after his hobby time.
He's a twat, really it's not that hard is it.

get him to post it be here tomorrow.

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 12:59:20

His hobby won't finish til 11pm apparently hmm so 'I can choose to wait up til midnight' (and have him wake the kids when he has a go at me about bringing it over no doubt) or 'stop being awkward and pretending she's desperate for it'

rooobarbb Mon 23-Sep-13 13:05:50

What a total arse. And not only an arse, he also sounds like a manipulating, nasty bully.

I think I'd stop trying to reason with him, there is no getting through to twats like him. I'd just take steps in future to stop this happening again and to make life as easy as possible for you. I think he's doing it on purpose to try to get an argument and then to try to blame you for it.

If you can, I'd get your DD a cheapie coat from somewhere (Asda are good, I've had coats from there for £5 in their sales before, think they have a bit of a sale on now), and send her on Fridays when he's picking her up in the cheapie coat and her spare pair of shoes (or a cheapie pair from Asda or Tesco). Speak to the school staff and ask that bookbags, reading books, homework etc be sent home on the Thursday night instead of the Friday.

GobbySadcase Mon 23-Sep-13 13:07:17

I hate to say it but I WOULD get the school on side. Persistently late collection and lack of appropriate clothing are both red flags for SS referral and you need school to know you have no part in it.

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 13:09:01

Rooobarbb - she is already reluctant to be collected by him though. If she wears different clothes/shoes on those days it makes her more anxious about him collecting her which isn't fair on her.

rooobarbb Mon 23-Sep-13 13:11:11

I totally understand, Jeremy. It's a very difficult one. Unfortunately though I don't think there is any way you can force him to bring things back when he acts like such an arse, nor can you rely on him to be responsible.

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 13:11:53

Gobby - he blamed the lateness on me, saying I'd only let him know last minute that he could collect dd. it was arranged before the summer holidays. He has now reassured the teacher he will always be there EARLY on his days hmm

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 13:13:19

I know rooobarbb. Chances are I will buy spares and he will keep those too and repeat until I stop him collecting her sad

melonribena Mon 23-Sep-13 13:16:19

Jeremy, I teach year 2 and have a selection of nice warm coats that I keep in the classroom in case a child has a situation like this or just falls in a puddle on the way to school. They've been donated by parents over the years.
I'm always happy to lend them out. Why don't u talk to the school on pick up and explain what's happened. You might find they have a spare u could borrow for a few days.

JeremySmile Mon 23-Sep-13 13:18:38

Thanks Melon. Again - it's embarrassing for dd though and places emphasis on his uselessness towards her. He told her he was doing his hobby this week (rather than taking her for tea) so she will know he's chosen to do that instead of return her coat.

GobbySadcase Mon 23-Sep-13 13:21:45

Sounds like they're well aware then. Wasn't trying to blame you or scaremonger - just wanted you to be in best position possible given his irresponsibility smile

IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 13:25:00

Poor little girl. I see no reason for him to carry on collecting her. She's unhappy about it, he's useless at it, she's being neglected, he's fucking with her head and lying to her.

It might be time to explain to her in an age appropriate way that her dad tells fibs sometimes and that she can always check with you if he's said something and she's not sure if its true.

hermioneweasley Mon 23-Sep-13 15:12:21

I am so sorry that your ex is a complete wank badger.

curlew Mon 23-Sep-13 15:17:13

Irrelevant, I know- but where do you live that it's coat weather?

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