To tell dp to get a grip and grow up

(132 Posts)
Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 08:14:02

Seriously, I'm fuming.

This argument started last night when my ex (dad to dd1 and ds 2) dropped the kids home after a weekend at his.

My dp didn't like the way he glanced up a few times at the window at him (our lounge is on the middle floor on over 3 stories)

After the kids came upstairs, he flipped threatening to punch kids dad if he did it again. Kids were in the room. I went MENTAL! You can have your opinion but don't spout it infront of the kids!!!! Ever!!!!

He thought I was supporting ex and just got worse and worse. I went to bed at 8 to give him chance to cool off, me too as well. Thought we could talk I'm the morning once chilled.

His attitude is even worse this morning and when questioned over saying things in front of the kids he said 'so' !!!!!!!

I've told him to get a grip as my kids come over him any day off the week (we also have dd3 together) but I'm not having his sarcastic shit infrin of them. It's alot tbh. Stuff like 'yay it's daddy birthday' followed by 'like I care'

It's their dad and the end of the day. What me him or anyone else thinks can be said in private.

The ex's new girls friends mum dropped dd1 coat off at 9 last night and he went mental. I thought it was very grown up to visit my house to ensure a child had her coat for school.

Urgh. Is it me or does he need to get a grip? X x x

StuntBottom Mon 23-Sep-13 08:16:49

He sounds very immature and jealous. I'd be very wary of having him in my life, let alone my children's.

He's acting like a spoilt kid. Has he always had these huge issues with your ex. Would he prefer there to be an atmosphere of hatred and animosity and your kids to be unhappy at never seeing their father?

I don't know where you can go from here but he needs a wake up call.

StuntGirl Mon 23-Sep-13 08:17:18

Has he always been like this?

Georgethesmartestgiant Mon 23-Sep-13 08:19:23

Not sure I'd be willing to put with that attitude to be honest.

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 08:19:37

He'makes these kind of comments alot. I've told him to stop. Sometimes he improved but them it slips out.

I don't rxactkh like the ex either but it's not fair on the kids to hear bickering when he picks them up. So I make polite small talk so the kids feel at ease. He doesn't understand why I'm nice to him. Think we should swap the kids in silence. X

Morgause Mon 23-Sep-13 08:19:53

What a horrible man.

StuntGirl Mon 23-Sep-13 08:26:10

YANBU. If he can't keep his petty sarcasm to himself he's going to have to make himself scarce during drop offs, fornthe sake of the children.

Have you previously made it clear he is not to bad mouth the dad in front of the kids? How is his behaviour in other ways?

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 08:28:23

Yes I've made it perfectly clear. He's insecure be cause I make polite small talk. Apparently that means I must still live him. Um, DEFO not!

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 08:28:43

*love him.

3littlefrogs Mon 23-Sep-13 08:29:11

Do you see a happy future for you and your DC with this man?

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 08:31:50

Yes if he could get a bit of a grip sad

clam Mon 23-Sep-13 08:34:02

I'm sure that this can't be the only area where his behaviour is unpleasant. Does he have much conflict in his life generally? If so, then I would say that's a massive red flag - although it's possibly a little late for that if you already have a child with him.

whois Mon 23-Sep-13 08:38:19

Why are you with him? AIBU has really opened my eyes to the shit decisions people make in respect of their partners. He sounds like a total tool, and not only do you live with him, you had another baby with him?

LittlePeaPod Mon 23-Sep-13 08:43:44

He seriously needs to grow up and get a grip...

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 23-Sep-13 08:51:09

He sounds awful. It must be a terrible environment for your children to be forced to grow up in. Not to mention it can't be a happy life for you.

If someone can't accept that their partner has children with another person, and accept that that means being civil, then they have no business being in a relationship with someone who has children.

What is your 'line'? The point at which you will say no, this is enough, my children deserve to be protected from growing up with this man's poison? I don't deserve to have to deal with this?

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 23-Sep-13 08:51:10

Not good. Not sure you are being helpful whois you can't undo having a child with someone...

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 23-Sep-13 08:51:54

And what Hec said, obs...

MrsKoala Mon 23-Sep-13 08:58:30

He sounds frightening, paranoid, possessive and childish. It sounds like he's sulking because you had someone in your life before him and it's manifesting itself in really damaging behaviour in front of your children. You really must stop this you know. It isn't remotely normal or acceptable.

MrsOakenshield Mon 23-Sep-13 08:59:32

he sounds dreadful. And your final comment, that he went mental because your dd's coat was returned, which was a very kind thing to do, was the icing on the cake - I would love to hear what his justification was for getting upset about that!

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 09:03:43

Don't think whois is being all that helpful either. Buy hey...

We talk and sort it out, then later he'll flare up.

He doesn't have any conflict with anyone. The opposite infant. He never stands up for himself. Then stews on it.

This is learned behaviour from his mum sad do as I say and go ALL OUT to prove your loyalty, or I sulk and sulk til we agree to disagree but secretly thinking he was right all along sad

MrsKoala Mon 23-Sep-13 09:13:28

What exactly does he really expect OP? Does he secretly wish your dc never saw their father? and possibly in some deluded part of his mind think this may be achievable? Does he want you to meet your Ex at a different location so he doesn't need to be reminded of your disloyalty (presumably by having sex with someone before you met him)? DOes he think you need to be downright rude to everyone you've ever slept with to prove he's the best? I don't understand what his problem is.

LittlePeaPod Mon 23-Sep-13 09:15:14

The point from my perspective is he can sulk and behave appallingly behind closed doors if you are happy to deal with the shit personally I couldn't be with someone so clearly immature and insecure BUT, he is shouting, threatening and belittling your DCs father in front of them and he actually tells you he doesn't care that he behaves this way in front of them. Which to me says he doesn't care about their welfare. This is not a good environment for you DC to grow up in. It will be damaging and utimately their welfare should be priority. If this is normal behaviour and he does this frequently in front of the DC, personally I do not understand how you could stay in this relationship. Surely the DC mental health and well-being should be priority above and beyond this man. Sorry Op but I think you need to take a bit of responsibilty for staying in a situation were your kids have to live with this and hear your DP behave this way.

SilverApples Mon 23-Sep-13 09:22:23

It bewilders me on MN, the number of women who choose to live with a man who is so corrosive and abusive . Fine of you are on your own,it's your choice as an adult, but what a totally shit environment to be bringing your children up in.
Why are you with him? Has he always been like this?

KellyElly Mon 23-Sep-13 09:26:32

Hmmm really not good in front of the kids. I would be really questioning whether I wanted someone in my life who has such little regard for the effect he was having on my children. He sounds like a spoilt man child and you need to tell him you won't tolerate that shit in front of your children EVER again. If he won't do this and as you say your children come first you'll have to think about your future with him.

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 09:32:04

Why are you putting up with this manchild ? confused

YoureBeingADick Mon 23-Sep-13 09:32:18

I couldnt hate my exp more than i do now but if anyone even spoke negatively about him infront of my dcs never mind threatened to harm him they would be out of my house and out of my life from that point onwards. I cant beleive you let him stay the night after doing that to your dcs!

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 09:37:47

The thing is she's not told you everything. She has made me out to be the bad person. Yeah I admitted I shouldn't have said anything like that in front of the eldest child. I was fuming. He has threatened me on occasions before now and Joanne279 has done nothing to stop it. Also in front of the kids. But I do it I'm wrong. I think unless you all know the whole story you shouldn't base an opinion.

MrsKoala Mon 23-Sep-13 09:39:10

oh dear sad

BrokenSunglasses Mon 23-Sep-13 09:40:34

You are not being a good parent to your children if you allow them to live with these comments so frequently. Really, you're not.

It's your job to protect them from people who will damage their emotions and their confidence, and at the moment you are allowing it to happen and making excuses for it?

Do you think that your children don't feel horrible about the things he says just because they can't identify or articulate their feelings in an adult way yet?

When someone criticises a child's parent, they are pretty much criticising the child. Children haven't done enough living on their own to be able to feel like they are valuable in their own right, they just know that they came from their two parents, and if they are made to believe one of them is crap, then they wonder if maybe they are too.

Your partner has proved he is too immature to get a grip and hold on to it. You children do not deserve to live with someone that belittles where they came from so much.

Chusband Mon 23-Sep-13 09:40:48

You need to be careful what you let the kids see and hear. If you hate the ex, fume and rant away from them, not in front of them.

LittlePeaPod Mon 23-Sep-13 09:43:43

Joanne partner. You are kidding arent you. You actually have the nerve o try and justify your behaviour in front of little kids! If this is you, there is nothing on this earth that justifies you behaving like this in front of the kids. Your behaviour is emotionally abusive towards the children. I don't care what her exDP did or said to you. You deal with it in private. You need to grow up and act like an adult. Personally I think she needs to drop your childish, immature and verbally abusive arse quicker than a red hot poker. Get a grip of yourself!

SilverApples Mon 23-Sep-13 09:43:45

My opinion is that whatever shit the adults have going on between them, the children should not be involved, see or hear any conflict or be aware of how angry you are about their father.
If you can't deal with that, you should not be involved with a woman who already has children, and she should prioritise them over any other realationship. Including the emotional wellbeing of the daughter she has had with you.
You are an adult, now you need the maturity and self-control that should be part of the package.

WhereMyMilk Mon 23-Sep-13 09:44:27

You two need to talk, seriously.

Otherwise both dads will be dropping their kids off after their contact weekend...

BrokenSunglasses Mon 23-Sep-13 09:44:42

Erm, ok.

Yes, you are still wrong. The ex doing it doesn't make it ok for you to do it. She can't do anything about her ex's behaviour, and she isn't living with him. She is stuck with him as the father of her children, so what exactly do you expect her to do about it? Have a row with him at drop off and upset her dc even further?

Maybe she expects more from the man she has chosen to be with now. Perhaps she was hoping for better from you so the fact that you are acting like a child lets her down and disappoints her more than when the ex does it, because she's already come to the realisation that he's a twat, but she thought better of you.

YoureBeingADick Mon 23-Sep-13 09:45:11

You need to remove yourself from this home if you cannot trust yourself not to threaten violence every time you see their father- they deserve to live in a violence free home and you have an obligation to make it that way by removing yourself if you aren't willing to seek professional help for your anger issues. Be a man.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 23-Sep-13 09:46:19

Oh, and you don't need to hear a whole story to know that it is wrong to criticise or belittle a child's parent in front of them.

The context that makes that ok does not exist, so actually, the full story is irrelevant.

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 09:47:02

Oh, fgs

The ridiculous partner has rocked up ?

Take your dirty laundry elsewhere, you are both behaving badly here

SilverApples Mon 23-Sep-13 09:47:32

OP, what is it that you love about this man?
What makes him different to your ex?

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 09:52:42

She said nothing to him. I don't really care what people on here have to say its not you're argument! I was just putting a little perspective on the situation. I said I was wrong. I'm not saying anything else no doubt she will. And you wanna go on about growing up well I think a few of you need to take a look in the mirror!!!

IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 09:56:02

partner. It doesn't matter if he's threatened you, its not very nice but you need to rise above it.

That doesn't make it ok to slag off the children's dad in front of them. That is damaging to them and definitely not ok. This is about the children not you and you need to grow up.

So what if he looks at you? A mature secure man wouldn't be bothered by that to the extent that they go ape shit in front of children. If you can't control yourself then you shouldn't be a step dad.

Your partner is doing the right thing in trying to maintain polite relations with her children's dad and you shouldn't even attempt to stop that. To kick off because his girlfriends mum pops a coat round is ridiculous and pathetic! Why on earth would you be bothered about that? Sounds like the mum was being nice.

Op. It sounds like you've chosen a new partner very similar to your ex without even realising it. They are both aggressive and hyped up on testosterone. Its ridiculous. I would have a serious think about the sort of man you want your children to grow up with and what example that is setting to them.

YoureBeingADick Mon 23-Sep-13 09:56:35

Yes you sound very mature and willing to change your behaviour hmm

LittlePeaPod Mon 23-Sep-13 09:56:45

Joanne you need to leave this situation. He clearly doesn't even understand how his behaviour will impact your DC. Your DC come first...

YoureBeingADick Mon 23-Sep-13 09:57:51

And how do you know he looked at you ( what age are you? 4??) unless you were already looking at him?

YoureBeingADick Mon 23-Sep-13 09:59:30

Joanne pet you are with another immature idiot who will never see why he cant behave like that- do right by your children and get them out of this horrible life! Dont wait for him to change- he wont- he doesnt want to.

SilverApples Mon 23-Sep-13 10:03:02

'And you wanna go on about growing up well I think a few of you need to take a look in the mirror!!!'

Really? In what sense are we not taking a mature and objective look at your situation?

Sparklysilversequins Mon 23-Sep-13 10:03:35

You sound like a right pair of immature doughnuts and it is quite clear that you should not be together performing like this in front of your children. However you WILL stay together won't you? Making everyone else thoroughly miserable, especially your children all in the name of your "love" hmm. Pathetic.

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 10:03:45

Joanne, if this is real, you have swopped one dickhead for another, love.

SilverApples Mon 23-Sep-13 10:06:49

You still plan on getting married in March?
Think on.
Send him back to his mother.

Whoknowswhocares Mon 23-Sep-13 10:09:36

So you have decided that because the ex is acting like a dick, that you should do so too? Except you will up the ante and involve the children in your pathetic power play?
Great. You win. You are clearly better at acting like a vindictive 4 year old than the ex. Congratulations.
Your likely prize?
One shiny new divorce.

He is the ex for a reason, you moron

Whoknowswhocares Mon 23-Sep-13 10:12:29

Cross post.
That's a result, she hasn't been dim enough to marry you yet.
New prize.
You will get to 'look' at her new partner funny when you drop off your kid at their love nest house

KellyElly Mon 23-Sep-13 10:14:20

Joanne, if this is real, you have swopped one dickhead for another, love. << This!

Hopasholic Mon 23-Sep-13 10:22:12

Your poor children sad

OP you need to get shut of this abusive man. He still thinks he has the right to behave as he did. It's not normal behaviour. It's not good for the children and you need to concentrate on yourself and them.

How can people do this to children? It's disgusting.

Take a long hard look at yourselves and grow the fuck up.

gamerchick Mon 23-Sep-13 10:23:44

Wonder how long it'll take this thread to go poof.

You both need a shake. I feel really sorry for those kids having to put up with it.

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 23-Sep-13 10:30:21

When you start blending families, life gets very complicated. Can't be helped. You need to suck it down OP's partner, have a long conversation about it WITH HER NOT US and grow a pair.

Buzzardbird Mon 23-Sep-13 10:39:35

Jeez OP, I don't envy you one little bit. How old are they 12? FFS

YoureBeingADick Mon 23-Sep-13 10:53:53

Hands up who thinks joannes manchild has taken control of the computer/iphone and wont let her come back on incase she starts listening to what people are telling her?

Buzzardbird Mon 23-Sep-13 10:54:48


IShouldNotBeHere Mon 23-Sep-13 10:55:03

[raises hand]

SilverApples Mon 23-Sep-13 10:56:05

Buzzard, that just looks like a cunt to me.

Buzzardbird Mon 23-Sep-13 10:58:35

...And your point is Ishould? grin

What about \o/, is that better? blush <really didn't mean to look a cunt>

gamerchick Mon 23-Sep-13 10:59:28

Silver you must have seen some odd looking cuts in your time grin


gamerchick Mon 23-Sep-13 11:00:18

*cunts I hate this phone.

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 11:00:48

Omg everyone I am so so sorry. I can't bring myself to read all the comments. I'm sorry if he's had a rant at anyone.

He's just left and told me he want nothing to do with me.

I'm so embarrassed sad xxx

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 11:02:31

I went out to Asda and cams back to this. He handed me the baby and walked out x

YoureBeingADick Mon 23-Sep-13 11:02:46

Read the comments! Really- you need to- good that he's left . Saves you having to make him leave- run with this. Change locks- pack his bags, take his name off any bills and get on with your life. And raise your standards.

(((Hugs))) wink

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 11:02:52

Sounds like a good result, tbh. Don't chase after the manchild.

Buzzardbird Mon 23-Sep-13 11:03:46

I think that might be a bonus Joanne but I am sorry you are getting so much shit in your life. I would imagine that he is just thoroughly ashamed? I hope.

SilverApples Mon 23-Sep-13 11:04:32

Hazards of being a folklorist, gamer. I was impressed, buzzard, not critical. grin

KellyElly Mon 23-Sep-13 11:05:11

Change the locks! You don't have anything to be embarrassed for. He sounds like a very immature man and you really need to evaluate your relationship with him.

SilverApples Mon 23-Sep-13 11:05:33

Double bonus OP, you get rid of him and his mother in one fell swoop.

Buzzardbird Mon 23-Sep-13 11:05:37


BrokenSunglasses Mon 23-Sep-13 11:05:45

He's embarrassed that you and your children are no longer the only people that know how immature and pathetic he is, so he's taki no his anger out on you.

He's done you a favour by going. Take this as your opportunity to be a good mother who will protect her children from people who will damage them.

gamerchick Mon 23-Sep-13 11:10:13

Yanno as soon as he's got to where he's going he's going to be straight back on here to see what you've said OP.

It might be worth asking for it to be deleted if it worries you. He's bound to be smarting a bit being told off by the Internet.

lunar1 Mon 23-Sep-13 11:10:49

Don't be embarrassed. Use this as an opportunity to bring your children up in a loving family without any abusive men in your life. They deserve more than this.

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 11:12:44

Yes they do sad deserve far better

I'm so embarrassed. X

Buzzardbird Mon 23-Sep-13 11:19:29

You shouldn't be embarrassed you should be too busy making plans...really, he looked like a twat, not you.

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 11:24:53

Just like this thing with his mum, my sense of what is right has been warped. I don't know if its me or him sad x

Topseyt Mon 23-Sep-13 11:25:32

By "left you", I hope you mean left for good. Make sure of it, as others have said. Pack his bags, put them out on the drive. Get new locks if he has a key. If he doesn't return for his stuff then bin it.

You are totally right to maintain reasonable relations with the father of your eldest children. It is in their interests that all remains civil as far as possible, and there will be times when you have to act together anyway. My sister is divorced, but she keeps things coolly polite and co-operative for the sake of the children. I know other people who are the same.

Your hopefully now ex-partner was more of a child than your children, by the sound of it.

You and the kids from now on, and I should think you will all be far happier not having to tread on egg shells around this total twat.

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 11:26:43

It's him, love.

pinkyredrose Mon 23-Sep-13 11:29:51

He's an immature arsehole. You csn do a lot better. Why the hell was he staring at you and your ex during changeover? Sounds like he was looking for something to get angry about.

Topseyt Mon 23-Sep-13 11:30:16

Oh, and stop being embarrassed. It is him who should be embarrassed, as all he achieved was to prove what a total arsewipe he actually is.

Sparklysilversequins Mon 23-Sep-13 11:39:56

You've had a lucky escape though it might not feel like it now. This is all part of abusive behaviour. Have you noticed that somehow its ALL become about you and what you've done? You probably feel sick and guilty right now don't you? Well that's exactly what he wants, the focus has been taken nicely off his ridiculous and abusive behaviour. The only way now is NOT to contact him, you are probably feeling panicky right now but try not to, the worst has already happened. You confronted him and sought support about his crappy behaviour and he doesn't like it. This is not YOU. Please try to believe that.

Buzzardbird Mon 23-Sep-13 11:54:17

It's him.

Famzilla Mon 23-Sep-13 12:29:41

Yuk. What a horrible bloke.

His posts made my skin crawl.

Am I the only one who thinks this is some kind of toxic threat? Saying he doesn't want anything more to do with you, knowing that now you're the one who will come grovelling to him now and forget about what an arsehole he is? Or am I totally projecting?

Either way I hope you don't fall into that trap OP.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 23-Sep-13 12:32:44

It's definitely him OP.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 23-Sep-13 12:34:43

What's his excuse about the coat then?

Has your ex's girlfriend's mum threatened him?

So he says nothing to anyone when they do something to him but prefers to take it all out on you?

because other people would probably bop him one so he's too scared but he can rant and rave and abuse you because he doesn't fear that anything will happen to him if you're his verbal punchbag. Says nothing to anyone, stews on it and then turns on you about it.

There's a word for that.

StuntGirl Mon 23-Sep-13 12:36:31

It's definitely him.

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 13:44:53

I've text him to tell him to serious consider his options. Told him his stuff is packed and ready for him to collect unless he can serious realise his sense of reality is warped.

Seriously ripped into him. Feel a bit like a bitch but seriously this guy wants to be treated like god while he treats me like shit. Just like his bloody mum! X

YoureBeingADick Mon 23-Sep-13 13:55:09


I worry for you and your dcs joanne. This man plays the blame game- he did it right here on this thread and you have just said you feel like a bitch for laying into him- he will jump on that admission and play you like a fiddle pet.

Why are you letting him decide if he comes back or not? You decide. Its your life- he doesnt get to choose how you live it.

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 13:56:22

Haden's looked at it like that if I'm honest. sad have him all the power haven't I?

Urgh! Stupid stupid me .( x

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 13:56:55

*hadnt not Hayden

KellyElly Mon 23-Sep-13 13:59:00

You aren't stupid, you just need to take control of the situation. You and your children deserve much better than this. The idea of being alone can make people stay in situations that are emotionally damaging, but when you find the strength to change the situation things will be much better for you and your children.

YoureBeingADick Mon 23-Sep-13 14:09:33

Youre not stupid sweetheart, your just so used to pandering to him. You need to retrain your brain to taking control yourself rather than handing it to him. Its not too late. Just text now and say he can collect his stuff from out the front. No discussion. You dont owe him any justification for why you changed your mind. It took me a while to learn this too and it is very empowering.

SweetSeraphim Mon 23-Sep-13 14:15:10

You already sound like you're seeing things more clearly. I think, judging by what you've written here, that this incident is the tip of the icerberg. And good on you for ripping into him, do you really want to be looking after another child? Because that's what he is, you know.

Everyone here will support you whatever you decide to do.

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 17:37:21

If i were you I would name change and carry on poisting for support. He knows your user name now and is probably watchign this thread to get as much leeway to fuck up your head he can. Don't give him any more ammunition...this thread is handing it all to him on a plate.

What sort of man uses his partner's log-in in an attempt to cut off her source of support when she is down the shops.

yes, again, there is a name for a man like that

MrsKoala Mon 23-Sep-13 17:59:07

I feel so sad for you OP. I echo all the others. He is isolating and abusing you. He is furious others know this and wants you to be sorry about it. Don't be embarrassed. He's the one who should be ashamed of himself. Take this opportunity to get him out of your life and get support you need. Agree with AnyFucker - name change as he will be watching you for any signs of perceived 'betrayal'.

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 18:48:55

Let him watch. I don't care anymore. My beautiful 8 year old girl just handed me a hand drawn card with the following message.

' to the best mummy ever

I love you however you are, don't worry about (dp) just worry about yourself. Think about the ones you care of instead of the ones you don't because the ones you care for, care for you. I'm I'm one of them who cares for you.

Love from dd1 x x c x x x x x x x

I'm heartbroken sad my beautiful girl knows more about life than this twat. I feel so stupid for putting up with his mum and all the lies.

My dream of a decent bloke is gone. I'm just gutted. This card from dd1 has broken me sad .sad sad x

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 18:51:02

Awww, you poor sweetheart. Listen to your daughter. She is giving you her permission to keep him out of your life now. In fact, I would go so far as saying she is asking you to.

He wasn't ever a decent bloke, it would seem.

Hopasholic Mon 23-Sep-13 18:59:57

Oh joanne I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh earlier. Really this is a good thing, I know it won't feel like it for now but the very best thing you can do is to stand firm and not have him back. You've already given him the 'change and I'll have you back' message. He won't change. THIS IS WHO HE IS.


Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 19:07:01

I'm not annoyed at anyone on here. I deserved it. The way he spoke to you all was wrong.

Part of me hopes that one day he'll get it. But deep down I know he won't sad I feel stupid for ever thinking he would. X

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 19:22:23

Joanne, his behaviour is not your responsibility.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 23-Sep-13 19:34:40

Wow, thats quite a message from an 8 year old, she sounds very bright.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 23-Sep-13 19:35:22

Sorry, pressed post instead of preview. Meant to ask have you heard from him?

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 19:39:33

Not heard from him since 4

I'm so very proud of my dd. she has a level head at 8. At least I'm doing something right x

YoureBeingADick Mon 23-Sep-13 19:56:21

Joanne it doesnt matter if he never gets it. What matters is that you know You never have to accept his behaviour. And you never should. Not just for the dcs sake but for your own. You are worth being treated with respect.

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 20:09:17

The truth I have fought so long to keep behind locked doors is slowly sinking in.

He is a blamer. With him, it will always be my fault. I've know this for a long time. Just tried to ignore it in the hope he would change.

Sadly admitting I am now a single mum of 3 wonderful children. X

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 20:12:11

Better a happy and fuckwit-free single mum than desperately trying to change a pig's ear into a purse.

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 20:16:56

Still a difficult pill to swallow right now x

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 20:22:54

I know thanks

mrspremise Mon 23-Sep-13 20:23:35

Know this. To have raised a wonderful girl who is wise beyond her years and who can express feelings in the way your DD has just done, is no mean feat for any mother. To have done it regardless of the shitty hand you have been dealt by men boys is amazing. Take that strength and hold it tight. Love your children, love yourself. All else shall pass. smile

Moxiegirl Mon 23-Sep-13 20:29:14

He won't change and it will never be his fault confused
Your dd sounds like a little star. Take care x

Joanne279 Mon 23-Sep-13 20:34:20

Thank you everyone x

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 23-Sep-13 20:42:01

OP, you are not stupid. You are not responsible for his actions. I know that you are feeling heartbroken right now, but believe me, you will find your life freer and happier in a home where you are under constant stress and treading on eggshells.

Be kind to yourself in the time ahead. Your DCs love you. You will (hopefully) find support here when you need it. The pain will fade. Check out the Lone Parents board for help and inspiration. I wish you all the best.sadsmile

Topseyt Mon 23-Sep-13 20:50:11

Just wanted to say what a lovely daughter you have. At just 8 years old, that lovely message shows a wisdom beyond her years.

Stay strong. You have your wonderful children.

StuntGirl Mon 23-Sep-13 20:59:16

Oh what a sweet message from your daughter. Things will get better Joanne flowers

ParsleyTheLioness Tue 24-Sep-13 08:39:52

How are things today OP?

FunLovinBunster Tue 24-Sep-13 08:55:44

Perhaps it's time to ask him to leave.
DCs first.

Joanne279 Tue 24-Sep-13 10:53:26

I'm in pieces. My heart loved the guy he was. My head think the guy he is, is a complete dick. I was so happy until this shit with his mum sad

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 24-Sep-13 11:18:47

Your heart loves the man you thought he was. Not him. Unfortunately the man you thought he was doesn't exist. The stroppy, aggressive, sulky man that you dealing with is the real him.sad.

Joanne279 Tue 24-Sep-13 11:21:50

I know and that sucks.

StuntGirl Tue 24-Sep-13 11:22:56

What Dione said.

It always seems more harsh in the daylight. It doesn't mean your reasons are wrong.

StuntGirl Tue 24-Sep-13 11:23:21

X post.

Be kind to yourself today Joanne flowers

PedantMarina Tue 24-Sep-13 13:10:58

Concur with AnyFucker (the wisest of the Wise Women) - you should namechange and cover your tracks.

Please do PM a few of us with what it is, though.

Best of luck, Joanne

" The way he spoke to you all was wrong."
Oh, stuff that - we're fine! It's how he spoke to YOU that matters. You have a lovely thoughtful daughter and I absolutely agree with AnyFucker (now there's a surprise wink) when she says "Listen to your daughter. She is giving you her permission to keep him out of your life now. In fact, I would go so far as saying she is asking you to." Let that thought give you strength.

YoureBeingADick Tue 24-Sep-13 14:48:59

hi OP- it is horrible in the first few days but do know that you have done a brilliant thing for yourself. you have taken the hardest step- the rest will come easier.

has he been in touch?

KellyElly Wed 25-Sep-13 10:01:24

How are you OP?

PedantMarina Sun 29-Sep-13 00:05:47

Re: blamers. Listen, I don't want to hijack threads (which is why I rarely post anything substantive of my own life), but if it helps, this anecdote from my own experience, an EA ex-boss who was NEVER to blame for anything: I got back into office after Christmas and Boxing Day off to hear him harangue me in a 2-page email.

What had I possibly done?

Well let's start with the fact. He came in to the office when nobody else was there, en route to his European break, and didn't remember to pick up his rucksack (which contained his passport) until he was in the queue for border control at Dover. Then he had to turn his car around and come back [to the London area] and collect said rucksack and go back, having missed at least one ferry in the interim.

He decided that it wasn't him not remembering to remember, in anticipation of an international trip, where his passport was at all times (not to mention anything else he'd left in his rucksack an hour before). No, that can't be - it was all MY FAULT because I didn't keep the office clean enough that he couldn't identify his rucksack on the floor, like, where he'd left is. And, NB, it's not like the place was cluttered - he said this because there was things that weren't desk- or chair-legs on the floor.

He actually said things like this with a straight face.

I hope this example sounds ridiculous. It's gods-honest-truth-ridiculous, and that's what I meant it to be.

puntasticusername Sun 29-Sep-13 00:40:00

Bloody hell. Have only just joined mn, and this thread has rather blown my socks off. Now I know why people value mn so very, very much...

OP, from the sound of it it's a very good thing that this man is now out of your life. You sound like a very strong, caring, lovely person who always puts her children first and is raising them brilliantly, if that letter from your dd is anything to go by! Keep doing the amazing job you're doing, stay strong and keep coming to mn for fantastic support, such as you've received on this thread! All the very best to you.

raisah Sun 29-Sep-13 04:06:29

You and your ex are being mature abour the handover & your ex was good to send someone else with the coat. Get rid of your dp before his hatred of your ex prejudices his relationship with your kids, he might target target them next. If he is threatening to punch their dad, it wont be long before he threatens to punch them for something stupis.

Mojavewonderer Sun 29-Sep-13 08:11:12

My husband is the same op and it's just plain and simple jealousy. I can tell you now though that my husband never speaks ill of my kids dad in front of them anymore because it was effecting his relationship with my kids which he really cares about.
He used to slate his ex in front of his kids too and I warned him that his kids would start to refuse to come and that has stopped too.
When the kids are safely tucked away in bed we can have a good old moan about the ex's ;)

Mojavewonderer Sun 29-Sep-13 08:11:54

I meant 'was' the same, not 'is'

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