To think it is not wrong or weird to have a relationship with someone.....

(36 Posts)
BigFatLeaf Sun 22-Sep-13 21:23:35

Who you don't think you will spend "forever" with.

I love the bones of DP, but for various reasons I unfortunately don't see us being together in ten year time (think different opinions on kids etc). It does make me incredibly sad that there will come a point when we have to call it a day.

My friend thinks it's very weird that my soul propose is not finding a husband, whereas I'm perfectly happy just being in love at the moment, even though I know it's not forever.

tethersend Sun 22-Sep-13 21:28:05

You may not be with your partner forever- but I think you should believe that you will be, IYSWIM.

If I thought there was a better option out there, I'd go and find it.

But everyone is different, so as long as you're both happy, and one of you isn't labouring under the misapprehension that you will be together forever, then you're not bothering anyone.

NotYoMomma Sun 22-Sep-13 21:29:06

I couldnt get my head around it being 'love' and not wanting/ thinking it would be forever.

I would find it a huge waste of time

do you want kids in the future? sadly it is more of a pressing consideration for women than for men

cookielove Sun 22-Sep-13 21:29:37

I think no one knows which relationship will last forever, as people grow and change together so does their relationship. When I started dating my now dh, he didn't want marriage or children, my sister often urged me to break up with him as we wanted different things. So glad I decided to stick with him as we were married last year and have baby on the way. When we were dating I always wondered how long it would last smile

BrokenSunglasses Sun 22-Sep-13 21:31:27

I think I know what you mean. YANBU.

BigFatLeaf Sun 22-Sep-13 22:12:16

It does make me very, very sad though and I can't hope helping I might be proved wrong sad.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 22:15:31

I don't understand how you can be in love with someone and not at least believe it might be forever?

I'm not saying you're wrong at all. It's just I've enjoyed boyfriends company and never loved them, never believed or considered a future. With my dp I have. Which is why I'm marrying him

Yorkieaddict Sun 22-Sep-13 22:16:20

It's fine, as long as you are both on the same page with it. Does your DP know you don't see this relationship as being forever? If he doesn't it seems a little unfair to prevent him potentially going out and finding someone who would be forever if he wanted.

ICameOnTheJitney Sun 22-Sep-13 22:16:28

I felt the same way that you do until I got to about 25 and then I matured and began looking at the future.

YANBU

I did this. Started a fling with someone very interesting who I knew didn't want kids, and got involved. We eventually split, and it was painful, but I don't regret it.

Sinful1 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:19:18

It might be a bitch for him when he finds out he's wasted all his time planning and building a future with someone who was just filling the time till something better came along

Trills Sun 22-Sep-13 22:20:33

If you have different opinions on having children, then presumably one of you wants them and one doesn't?

Wouldn't it be better for the one who does want them to be single and therefore available should they meet the person who they will have kids with? (and probably meeting more new people, as single people are wont to do, so more likely to meet that person)

If you are the one who doesn't want them then I can see why it's easy enough to stay together and have a nice time and not worry about it.

BigFatLeaf Sun 22-Sep-13 22:20:39

She knows.

Buttercup4 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:21:53

YANBU as long as your DP knows and is ok with it.

A friend of mine is in his 20's and is in a relationship with a lady in her late 40's she has children, has done that marriage thing etc. I know he wants babies marriage the works. She can't have & doesn't want anymore children. In this scenario I think he should break up with her, because it will just be more painful in the long run for both of them and her children. In a slightly bizarre way, I also think he is stopping her from finding a life partner.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 22:22:32

Ok, well if she knows then your friend should but out.

It's working for you and your relationship.

guffaw Sun 22-Sep-13 22:22:34

me and dp have never made the 'forever' commitment of marriage, however, we've stayed together for 34 years - so far - smile, perfectly happy and in tune, I'd hate to promise forever and end up parting, I think its the lack of pressure of making this promise that's made our long term happiness possible. confused

BigFatLeaf Sun 22-Sep-13 22:23:11

Oh I might as well tell you all anyway.

It's a big gender issue, we are two women, I am not gay. I have a baby DS and I do want more children, but I'm pretty sure I want them with a man. She knows this.

FreudiansSlipper Sun 22-Sep-13 22:23:23

I can understand how you feel

I have had more than one he is the One relationships, life moves on people change and wanting it to last forever and being realistic is just accepting that somethimes as good as it is if it were to end it is not the end of the world

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 22:27:06

I'd just see how it goes OP. What you believe you want may change or it may not. But if you love your current dp then that's the most important thing. Your friend should definitely keep her nose out.

CressidaMontgomery Sun 22-Sep-13 22:28:39

Why are you in a same sex relationship with someone when you're not gay? That's the weird bit to me

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 22-Sep-13 22:29:05

Hmm - there's nothing 'wrong' or 'weird' about it, but it is self inflicted pain in the long run. The longer you are with them, the more you come to love & care for them and the harder it is when you go your own ways. I wouldn't do it again - as much as it was a fab time in my life, I don't think that it was worth the pain of ending it - knowing that I knew I would have to do it.

However, there are some things in life you need to learn for yourself.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 22:30:04

Cressida

Because for many people attraction is not restricted to gender, it's the person they fall in love with not the bits they have.

BigFatLeaf Sun 22-Sep-13 22:30:32

Because I'm in love with her Cressida confused

BruthasTortoise Sun 22-Sep-13 22:30:46

It's not wrong and it's not weird but it can end up being very painful. One of my friends is in a relationship with a man whom she adores but they're have diametrically opposed views about having children. She knows ( and he knows) that it'll have to end but they adore each other and apart from this issue are perfectly matched. It's basically unresolvable though. It's very sad sad.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 22-Sep-13 22:31:10

So you are Bi <shrug>

Why do you want them with a man? (clearly there needs to be a man involved in some way, shape or form) but why do you want to raise them with a man?

Is this your first relationship with a woman?

As long as you're both on the same page, why not enjoy your time with someone, and just be "in the now"? As long as you're prepared to pay the price when it ends... but then, that's the case with any relationship. Nothing is forever.

BigFatLeaf Sun 22-Sep-13 22:34:29

I don't know if I'm bi, this is the first time I've been with a woman, and it was very much a case of I fell for "her" and not her gender IYSWIM.

I think I would really struggle to be in an openly gay relationship, I'm not 100% sure why, I suppose it is just because I always saw myself with a man and I'm not sure I can handle the prejudice that sadly still often exists.

CressidaMontgomery Sun 22-Sep-13 22:37:06

Hmm. I still think you're gay or at least bi. Purely because you're in a relationship with another woman. But that's probably not the issues here.

To answer your OP - relationships are different things to different people so if you're getting on and happy then it doesn't really matter what the future might hold.

If you are constantly thinking about big issues and its all full of angst etc then I can't see the point in continuing

MrsKoala Sun 22-Sep-13 22:37:19

I don't see anything wrong with it as long as you are honest.

DH and I don't think we will be together forever, we'd like to be proved wrong tho.

A friend fell in love with a much older man. He had adult children and wanted no more, she didn't want kids yet (as only 20 at the time) so they happily lived together for 5 years. When she decided it was time to leave they were sad but wished each other well. And they did love each other very much.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 22:46:42

Op

I totally understand what you're saying re falling for her. Been there. Never before or since. It was her instance I "came out" that ended the relationship in my case. It wasn't that I was embarrassed, more the being very forceful about it. Despite the face she was very much gay, she believed she would end up married to a man. I would categorise myself as heterosexual if asked because she's the only woman I have ever been attracted to.

I would worry less about what other people think and how the relationship feels. If it's right then it would be an awful shame to end it to keep up appearances for random strangers (99.9% of people won't give a toss who you're holding hands with in the street). If it doesn't feel right then it will come to a natural end.

WholeNutt Sun 22-Sep-13 23:32:34

One thing is certain we will all one day kick the bucket so nothing is forever. If you love each other and are happy ticking along as you are then ynbu. Enjoy it some people search a lifetime looking for their true love and never find it.

utreas Mon 23-Sep-13 00:08:41

Have you told your partner this? If you have the YANBU but if you haven't YABU.

MyBaby1day Mon 23-Sep-13 00:53:41

I'm not at all lucky in relationships but even with friendships often wonder how long certain things will last. But I think it's nice to hope you will always be together, it's sweeter that way.

PeppiNephrine Mon 23-Sep-13 00:57:42

You're in love with and in a relationship with a woman, you say you aren't gay, but your issue is with whether you should feel like you'll be together forever?
I think you're missing some much bigger issues than that.

DontPanicMrMannering Mon 23-Sep-13 01:32:15

From your op yanbu.

From your updates yabvu sounds like you are not willing to commit to even think about "forever" as you are not willing to accept you are in a gay relationship.

If you are having sex with a woman you are gay or bi, you need to not reject that fact.

You aren't being fair to her imho.

TigerSwallowTail Mon 23-Sep-13 18:36:14

If it makes you feel better OP, my sister and her partner have just adopted a little baby and they've not experienced any prejudice, everyone has been very welcoming of the new addition and she's just slotted in as part of the family.

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