To consider marrying this man for his money?

(148 Posts)
PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 20:05:36

Evening MN,

I've obviously namechanged and I'll try to keep this concise.

Basically, In my culture all girls generally used to have arranged marriages, in the past 60 years or so though, finding your own mate has become more and more common. (Not forced marriage, btw but arranged as in the woman's parents arrange introductions to a series of 'suitable' vetted men and she marries the one she is most compatible with.)

Marriage has not been a priority for me so far as I've been focusing more on university and my career, but I'm 24 now and I feel it's time to move on with the next stage of my life.

My parents didn't introduce this man to me, he came to them and asked for my hand in marriage saying that he had heard of me through my work in the community and with various charities, that he had seen me and thought I had the qualities he wanted in a wife and would they allow him to speak with me etc. He was quite persistent and eventually
my parent's told me about him and would I be interested in speaking with him. I was intrigued, said sure and they gave him my number.

He called me on Friday and introduced himself, we spoke for a while, then he asked if we could have dinner. He seemed nice enough and my parents liked him so I agreed, we met up last night and he was lovely- mid 30s, 6'2 , reserved, kind & attractive in a bookish scholar way. He wouldn't talk about his work though, when I asked him what he did for a living he said he was in the medical technology industry but that all he had talked about for the past month was work and he wanted to talk about something different, fair enough. The rest of the evening went well and we made plans to meet again on Tuesday.

I googled him when I came home (as you do) because I had his full name then and found out that his net worth is in the hundreds of millions! I don't want this to be identifiable but I'll say that people in the medical technology industry will have heard of him for sure. He apparently invented some piece of technology, patented it then started his own company at a very young age. He neglected to mention this to either me or my parents and in a small way I feel a bit deceived - when was he going to mention that to me?

I'm feeling conflicted now, I would have seen him again, even if he was just an technician or engineer or whatever because he was a gentleman but the fact that he is rich & driven has swayed me a lot in his favor. Is that insincere? I have read up on him as there are features on him, and his lifestyle is freaking amazing tbh (and I want to be part of that blush blush)

Will he think I googled him if I act differently in spite of myself, the next time I see him? Is it wrong for me to decide to marry someone because they are rich?

(I have ideas for a business that I'd like to set up and charities that I'd like to open and all that would be possible if I married this man, if that makes any difference.)

MikeOxard Sun 22-Sep-13 20:10:44

Sounds like you're getting a bit carried away. Why not just calm down, see how it goes and if you get on over the next few dates then take it from there. I don't see why this is even an issue at the moment.

londonrach Sun 22-Sep-13 20:13:06

Do you like him, fancy him? He sounds like a nice man so please be gentle and kind to him. Forget the money, its nice and makes life easy but having someone you enjoy spending time is more important. X

Whoknowswhocares Sun 22-Sep-13 20:13:21

So you met him a few days ago and are considering marrying for money/anything else ALREADY?
Yabu for that alone!

londonrach Sun 22-Sep-13 20:14:06

Just spend time with him and see how you feel....

beepoff Sun 22-Sep-13 20:14:11

You sound quite young and I guess you are. I think YABU to marry just for money. No amount of money can replace happiness. But that doesn't mean you can't be happy with this man regardless.

Why do you feel deceived? Did you divulge how much money you have? It's vulgar to talk about money on a date and maybe he wants to find someone who wants him for him not his cash.

I think when you meet again you should mention you googled him and found out he's quite the pioneer. Otherwise it will be the elephant in the room.

Stonehaven Sun 22-Sep-13 20:14:49

Hm. This is a toughie. I think you know that you shouldn't just marry him for his money but I think since you liked him in the first place then you should see him again.

Don't mention that you googled him and just see how things pan out.

Keep thinking to yourself "would I see him again if I hadn't googled him"

He might be embarrassed about his wealth and be looking for a genuine partner. He might be sick of women only dating him for his money. Maybe that's why he was shady about what he does for a living.

If you genuinely like him then I think you should go for it.

Since he's loaded that's a great bonus if it works out between ypu grin

TweenageAngst Sun 22-Sep-13 20:16:57

May be want's a girl who likes him for who he is, not how much money he has. Weeding out the gold diggers by keeping quiet.

hermioneweasley Sun 22-Sep-13 20:19:46

"don't you understand that a girl being pretty is like a man being rich? You don't marry a girl just because she's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help?". Gentlement Prefer Blondes.

Don't marry someone you don't like and respect just for money, but if you like him, and seem compatible, then having enough money will certainly eiminate a major source of marital squabbles!

He didn't tell you about his wealth because he doesn't want to marry a gold digger...maybe?

HildaOgden Sun 22-Sep-13 20:20:35

He'll know,you know.That you are with him for his money,I mean.A man in his position would be well used to women feigning adoration in order to get at his money.The fact that he didn't mention his success suggests to me he is looking for someone who is genuinely interested in him.

You sound quite materialistic....within 48 hours of speaking to him you are already making plans for his cash.While you might think he's right for you,I don't think you're right for him.

Squitten Sun 22-Sep-13 20:21:44

Of course you can't marry him purely for his money!

What happens if his business goes bust or he is bankrupted? He may have money but what is his attitude towards YOU having money? If he also comes from a conservative culture, he may have no intention of letting you anywhere NEAR his cash! Maybe he wants a nice obedient wife instead who will stay at home with his kids.

You need to get to know this man very well indeed before even considering any further steps

StuntGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 20:22:29

Isn't that quite a lot of identifiable information you've put up here about him?

Just get to know him and see how you feel about each other.

hiddenhome Sun 22-Sep-13 20:22:55

There's a lot to be said for not having to worry about paying the bills wink

Onesleeptillwembley Sun 22-Sep-13 20:22:57

I am pretty sceptical about this, but I'll give you what you want - if you're happy to be bought, by all means.

saulaboutme Sun 22-Sep-13 20:23:20

Yabu.
So what if he has bad habits or whatever, will you tolerate it because he's loaded?
I don't think you'll be happy unless you fall in love regardless of his money.

VenusDeWillendorf Sun 22-Sep-13 20:23:40

See how it goes.
I'm sure you'll make the right choice, and one that your parents will be happy with too.

Best wishes to you.

KittensoftPuppydog Sun 22-Sep-13 20:24:25

What's wrong with liking someone who has made a success of himself? It sounds like he is very smart, and let's face it, money is very lovely.
What concerns me is how conservative he sounds. Asking your parents if he can talk to you and suggesting marriage before you have got to know each other. I realise that a lot of people do things this way. Only you can know how you feel about this, but to me it seems like a bit of a leap in the dark.

Auntfini Sun 22-Sep-13 20:24:32

I assume he didn't tell you about his job in detail precisely because he must often get women feeling this way about him because of his money! Or if not, he's worried that they will do... So you've done probably exactly what he's afraid of.

I think you're getting slightly carried away and being a bit unfair to him, but if as you say you are actually attracted to him, then I would meet him again and see how it goes. I don't think you should be thinking about businesses you can found with his money!!

StuntGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 20:25:18

having enough money will certainly eliminate a major source of marital squabbles!

He has the money. OP has no idea if she will ever get her mitts on any of this money. One partner being very strongly in power (and financial power is very strong indeed) might lead to a whole host of other squabbles and misery.

Scaredycat3000 Sun 22-Sep-13 20:25:59

He didn't tell you about his money so you didn't react in this way! He sounds lovely, wanting to meet and possibly marry a woman he had heard so many good things about. Try and remain the person he heard about, don't make it all about the money. The old saying money doesn't make you happy doesn't change because it's mega bucks. He's after a love match or he'd be flashing his cash about somewhere tacky. What a shame you Googled him, I'm sure most of us would have done to, you will never truly know if the money or him.

SugarHut Sun 22-Sep-13 20:27:12

Yes. Totally unreasonable.

My DP now lives in another country, but is still on the Sunday Times rich list. Very near the top. And I won't even bother saying what he's worth because I can't be arsed with the "troll troll troll" crap.

We are not married, been on/off for the last 4 years. Let me tell you right now, if a guy like this gets the tiniest sniff you are after his money, you won't last the night, let alone the marriage. And forget the prenup thing, they are barely worth what they are written on, a good lawyer will tear one apart. He's not dumb, he will have protected everything.

Do NOT marry this man for his money. I'm a big believer in karma. The reason my DP keeps coming back to me is that I've never been after his money, and never taken/asked anything from him. Yes, it gives me and DS and incredible lifestyle (when we are together) but when we have split, I have deliberately walked away with nothing every time. Which is what makes us so genuine.

If you saw my DP, you'd throw your loose change at him, wonderfully scruffy bugger most of the time, he tells people (who don't recognise him) that he works in a bank. Your chap sounds similar, which is why he hid this part of him, he can spot the money grabbers a mile off and he's seen and been approached by thousands of them. And I don't mean full on golddigger trash. Even those that show the tiniest bit of interest in the bank balance, these guys have such a (warranted) chip on their shoulder about people solely being after their wallet, they run a mile at the slightest hint.

So, my advice is, if you genuinely like him, go for it smile If he doesn't set that spark inside you, and you're just stringing it out for the lifestyle then walk away now, because it won't take him long to detect that in you anyway.

ExitPursuedByADragon Sun 22-Sep-13 20:28:41

He sought you out?

headlesslambrini Sun 22-Sep-13 20:30:35

all good relationships are based on honesty. Chances are one of the qualities he is looking for is honesty.

Curiosity is a natural emotion. explained that you liked him and wanted to find out more about him before you allowed to get too involved. He has obviously found out about you before he spoken to your parents. Kinda the same thing really.

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sun 22-Sep-13 20:31:12

I think squitten has hit the nail on the head here. He may very well be rich but that doesn't mean he will give you any of his money should you marry. It is after all his.

Yes it would be nice to not to have any financial worries but some things in life are more important than money, such as love and self-worth.

Good luck, with whatever you choose to do though.

WorraLiberty Sun 22-Sep-13 20:31:13

In most cultures where arranged marriages are the norm, it's all about the money/security.

If you're part of this culture anyway, marrying for money is considered completely normal.

WorraLiberty Sun 22-Sep-13 20:33:23

But I think the seeking you out and going to your parents to ask for your hand in marriage...without having met you/spoken to you first is plain creepy.

I don't think that's particularly normal in any culture.

I'd be wary for that reason alone.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 22-Sep-13 20:36:12

You say you are ready for the next step in your life, but your thinking in this situation you are far from marriage. You admitted you are swayed and want to be apart of his amazing lifestyle.
This person doesn't deserve to be used for his money.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 20:36:35

squitten He doesn't want a stay at home mum/wife, nor do I want to be one. I have worked very hard and I'm just getting started with my career, I can't be inactive at this point as I've recently qualified & it's crucial for me to put in the long hours if I want to get ahead.

Hi, thank you all for replying, I appreciate it & I knew MN would deliver. smile
With regards to the short amount of time I've known him, my parents have known of him since May when he began asking for their permission and blessing to get to know me, they refused many times but he was persistent and wore them down, so they know him pretty well - it's only me that doesn't.
Also in my particular culture, short engagements are the norm, my parents for example knew each other for a week before they wed and they are still happily married 30+ years later. Same for my other family members.

londonrach I do fancy him, he is attractive and the way he is quiet and respectful appeals to me. Plus I know he is not looking for a quick fling etc. since he has already told my father his intentions and that he wants to marry me if I will have him. He said that without having ever spoken to me.

Dahlen Sun 22-Sep-13 20:38:55

If it were me in your situation I would just bring it all out in the open.

This man went in pursuit of you with the intention of marriage. Love wasn't really the goal of any of this, was it. It was about whether you were suitable wife material. That's actually quite a sensible premise for a marriage, but should make you a little wary. Assessing this in sentimental terms would be just as foolish as marrying someone purely for their money would be mercenary. Just as you may be thinking of the money, he's thinking of you in terms of suitability. Love will be a sweetener, but not the point.

In effect, you are both negotiating a business deal here. Tell him you know what his ultimate bargaining chip is. It takes the power out of it for both of you and will allow you both to see if you genuinely like each other enough to be legally tied for the rest of your lives.

WorraLiberty Sun 22-Sep-13 20:39:03

Also in my particular culture, short engagements are the norm, my parents for example knew each other for a week before they wed and they are still happily married 30+ years later. Same for my other family members.

Yes but I'm also guessing yours is a culture that frowns upon divorce and that many women are completely ostracised for it?

Not quite the same as being happily married, is it?

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 20:39:21

Scaredycat3000 Yes, I deeply regret googling him and I wish I would've waited for him to tell me about what he does in his own time, I feel the whole dynamic will change now.

WorraLiberty Sun 22-Sep-13 20:40:40

Plus I know he is not looking for a quick fling etc. since he has already told my father his intentions and that he wants to marry me if I will have him. He said that without having ever spoken to me.

And you don't think that's a bit creepy?

My advice is have a long relationship and really get to know him before committing.

Yes I know that's not the 'done thing' in your culture, but as you said yourself things are changing.

HildaOgden Sun 22-Sep-13 20:41:55

In some cultures,*Worra*,that would be seen as being respectful towards the potential in-laws....ie showing that he was interested in their daughter,and not just after a quick fling.I wouldn't read anything more into that...he is just following the traditions that the OP's parents probably followed themselves

OP,there is always another alternative...you could actually set up the businesses/charities yourself.You know,without a man.You could choose that route....although that would obviously require hard work and effort,and not just selling yourself off to a man.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 20:46:53

WorraLiberty Not at all ostracised! Women marry and divorce and remarry (I'm not from an asian background) The point of the arranged marriage is to find two people with similar religious backgrounds, similar political leanings, similar education level, similar attitude to life/family, similar values, it takes out much of the ambiguity and disagreements you might find after the honeymoon phase is over and you discover you are two incompatible people. Compatibility is the key.

And the women in my family are educated women, they have the means to walk away.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 20:49:30

I don't find it creepy worraliberty my parents found it a bit forward though, which is why they put him off at first & then waited 4 months to tell me.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 22-Sep-13 20:51:05

I think your conundrum is natural. You were still undecided but liked him. Then you got this bombshell. You maybe can't trust yourself.I would feel the same way. And the fact that you feel conflicted speaks well of you.

I think you can tell him you Googled him, especially if you stress that you need more time to get to really know him. Unless he has this idea that he will only marry a girl who truly doesn't know...but he can't expect that women won't research him.

Sindarella Sun 22-Sep-13 20:53:05

If you marry this man, an it turns out he isn't as nice as he seemed, no amount of money in the world will make you happy.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 20:54:34

headlesslambrini

Curiosity is a natural emotion. explained that you liked him and wanted to find out more about him before you allowed to get too involved. He has obviously found out about you before he spoken to your parents. Kinda the same thing really.

flowers thank you, headless this is how I'll tell him. I was curious, he was cagey and I wanted to know why.

Libertine73 Sun 22-Sep-13 20:56:33

I would get it out in the open, it's natural to be curious especially when he didn't want to talk about his job. obviously your thread title is a bit of, as money does not a marriage make, see how you get on over time, good luck!

headlesslambrini Sun 22-Sep-13 20:57:28

glad to have helped. smile

TigerSwallowTail Sun 22-Sep-13 20:58:17

Has he said he wants to marry you?

TigerSwallowTail Sun 22-Sep-13 21:00:49

I know he said he'd marry you before, but that was before he had even spoken to you, is he still just as keen?

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:04:34

Yes TigerSwallowTail Not to me explicitly but we both knew why we were seeing each other. However he has told my father that he wishes to marry me.

HarderToKidnap Sun 22-Sep-13 21:07:43

What's your cultural background, Practical? I've guessed and am interested to know if I'm right.

My tuppence... He's kind, fanciable and rich. If you still like him in a couple of dates, bloody well marry him!

motherinferior Sun 22-Sep-13 21:07:44

I'm not usually a fan of marriage but I can see the allure, franklygrin

fuzzywuzzy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:09:52

Make sure money is not the only or the main reason you marry him.

In the event of a divorce would you be happy for this man to have your children for half the time?

Do you see this man as the father of your children?

What is his family like, what are his friends like?

Find out about him as a person rather than his bank blaance, then decide as a whole.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:10:07

Oh, TigerSwallowTail I didn't see your second post before I replied. Yes, when the evening was over, before he took me home he basically said that he was grateful my parents had given him a chance and that he was a man who is direct and knows what he wants when he sees it and but if I wasn't sure of him we could see each other for as long as it takes.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:11:58

HarderToKidnanp I'm Middle-Eastern, 10 points for whoever guessed grin

HarderToKidnap Sun 22-Sep-13 21:13:02

I was wrong! I guessed Orthodox Jew.

Samnella Sun 22-Sep-13 21:15:29

Put the money to the back of your mind and get to know him. Time will tell.

Good luck.

I thought orthodox Jew too. It was the charity work that made me think this.

Anyhow good luck, let us know if you get married smile

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:19:21

Thank you Samnella My grandmother keeps snapping at me asking if I am 'touched in the head' because I have had the dopiest smile on my face since last night. Hahaha :D

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:22:23

HarderToKidnap Close enough, my Orthodox Jewish girlfriends and I have so much in common. More commonalities than differences actually.

Elizabeta I will smile

kerala Sun 22-Sep-13 21:36:34

Ooh I had this. I didn't marry him, dh jokes I am a hopeless gold digger! Would have been nice to have a surname plastered all over central London streets and cinemas but much happier with dh (honestly)

crescentmoon Sun 22-Sep-13 21:37:43

Here's my advice practical,

When a man decides to find a marriage partner through the arranged marriage/traditional marriage route rather than the dating scene then he's going to be big C conservative. Are you yourself that conservative? What I mean by that is, he's going to like his traditions and so might have different expectations of marriage and love than what you've grown up expecting from popular culture. Is it something your ok with ? If u r then all well to the good.

As for your last post There's a really nice movie I recommend you watch called 'arranged' about an orthodox Jewish woman and a Middleeastern woman in new york who become friends and share their very similar experiences of the arranged marriage scene! You could recommend it to your friends too.

m.imdb.com/title/tt0848542/

Doinmummy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:40:17

You say that he asked your parents if he could marry you before he met you so he can't be that bothered about you possibly being a gold digger otherwise he would have been a bit less hasty with a proposal.

And if he asked your parents for your hand in marriage would they have not asked about his background / finances etc?

I'm a cynic I know

Get to know him properly and see how it goes x

kerala Sun 22-Sep-13 21:50:25

Did hear a saying once "if you marry for money you earn every penny"

WorraLiberty Sun 22-Sep-13 21:50:30

My parents didn't introduce this man to me, he came to them and asked for my hand in marriage saying that he had heard of me through my work in the community and with various charities, that he had seen me and thought I had the qualities he wanted in a wife and would they allow him to speak with me etc.

See even with the different culture, I find that ^^ creepy.

He's basically been looking at you and studying you without your knowledge, long enough to decide he actually wants to marry you, without even saying hello.

You need to find out more about him...not his money or his business but him as a person.

After all, your parents weren't particularly impressed with him until he wore them down.

He might of course be a lovely guy, or he might have form for this sort of behaviour...who knows?

Is there a way you can speak to his friends, colleagues, family etc?

sarahtigh Sun 22-Sep-13 21:51:13

I might be wrong in my guess but if something like orthodox judaism it will be culturally acceptable to meet up with him alone but in public ie restaurant maybe 5-10 times over a month or two but then there will be the expectation of a decision and a marriage

I really do not think for OP there is an option of dating for a year or two and seeing how it goes with this man

WorraLiberty Sun 22-Sep-13 21:51:57

And if he asked your parents for your hand in marriage would they have not asked about his background / finances etc?

And this too ^^

Surely he would have proved to/convinced your parents that he's financially successful?

sarahtigh Sun 22-Sep-13 21:53:47

in many cultures worra they would not meet at all or perhaps a chance to talk quietly at the other end of the living room but always with chaperon so that he found out about her and spoke to her parents first would not be considered creepy but normal and respectful

SugarHut Sun 22-Sep-13 21:56:25

That's a very good point Worral. When the suitor in an arranged marriage "seek a hand," the parents absolutely vet them. His family, his job, his past, his finances.

So are we saying your parents knew this, and chose not to tell you??

TeamEdward Sun 22-Sep-13 21:56:29

There are worse reasons to marry...

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:56:42

crescentmoon I just watched the trailer for that movie, it looks so heart-warming, I will definitely recommend it smile
About my attitudes and expectations towards marriage and love, what I expect are kindness, respect, and to be provided for. I believe God places love in the hearts of a couple. I'm not expecting a Hollywood melodrama but a secure & strong life partnership.

Doinmummy My parent's asked him and he told them about his philanthropy and the organizations he's set up and his religious commitments etc. But they are not crass (like meblush)and didn't pry into his financial situation bar asking him if he was in work and was he solvent and capable of providing for a family. He told them he worked for X company, not that it was his company.

WorraLiberty Sun 22-Sep-13 21:57:37

Yes I know what you're saying sarahtigh but to study someone closely enough in this way, without even saying hello (hello would be perfectly acceptable) is just...I don't know a bit of a 'violation' for want of a better word?

I'm quite sure there was nothing stopping him from at least saying 'hi'.

It's just weird imo, even taking the cultural thing into account.

fabergeegg Sun 22-Sep-13 21:58:54

I really think you should explain your situation to him.

Say this is dreadful to have to talk about but you didn't want to have things unsaid. Apologise but say you were interested after your date and googled him (it's flattering). You were very surprised to find out how significant his work had been and felt perhaps he hadn't wanted to share much with you after all because it hadn't been mentioned. But then you realised the financial implications and realised that of course he wouldn't tell you because he would want to be accepted for who he was. Explain that you are very flawed and you know it's wrong, but you're ashamed to admit that you then did start to consider the different ways that you would use money - all things you've thought of before, but they began to come back to your mind. Specify them - it says a lot about you that it's not bling. It's not that you aren't very interested but there hasn't been time to get to know him, and now that you have this information, it's hard to know how to go forward. You think that if anything were to happen between you, you'd have to take it very slowly for quite a while, and prove to yourself and to him that it's love and not anything materialistic. You've never known anyone this wealthy before and it's unsettling. You want to be able to love your husband but you also want to be able to do a lot of good in the world, and you're only human. You wouldn't want him to share his lifestyle with you in any way for a long time so your feelings can be clear to yourself.

He knows you're a moral person. You wouldn't be able to be happy if you did this any other way, I think. Start with honesty because otherwise you'll always be lonely. If he doesn't want to go ahead, no harm done.

WorraLiberty Sun 22-Sep-13 21:59:41

He told them he worked for X company, not that it was his company

Well I'm sorry but I smell a rat here.

If you're going to rock up to a pair of strangers and ask to marry their daughter whom you've never even met, surely to god you're going to tell them you own the company you work for?

Why wouldn't he? confused

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:01:03

sarahtigh
I really do not think for OP there is an option of dating for a year or two and seeing how it goes with this man

You are right, two years of dating isn't what I'm looking for & it's not really an option.

mrsjay Sun 22-Sep-13 22:02:36

maybe he wasnt a woman girlfriend who doesn't want him for his multi milions just a thought If you liked him then see him again you dont need to marry him next week or anything see how it goes I can't see your culture insisting you marry within the next few weeks, see the man again see how it goes, it sounds like you are thinking of it as some sort bussiness deal

WorraLiberty Sun 22-Sep-13 22:02:47

Well make sure you background check him properly and meet his family/friends/colleagues before deciding anything OP.

It's just basic safety.

Good luck and I hope it all works out well for you both thanks

Doinmummy Sun 22-Sep-13 22:04:05

It sounds a bit odd to me to be honest. As I said before , surely your parents would have known more about him. As you said ....

With regards to the short amount of time I've known him, my parents have known of him since May when he began asking for their permission and blessing to get to know me, they refused many times but he was persistent and wore them down, so they know him pretty well - it's only me that doesn't

Did your parents know who he was or how successful/wealthy he is?

ivykaty44 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:04:05

i think you need to be upfront and honest with him - tell him on tuesday that you were curious and so googled him. If he doesn't like that well that would be a bit odd, as he was looking into you long before you knew who he was.

Doinmummy Sun 22-Sep-13 22:05:50

If he was that persuasive towards your parents surely he would have used his wealth and success to convince them to introduce you?

sarahtigh Sun 22-Sep-13 22:09:27

I do not think she is expected to marry in a few weeks but reading between the lines I would expect that a decision would be expected before end of the year or within 6 months at the most and a marriage shortly after, as OP has already indicated a year would be too long culturally

crescentmoon Sun 22-Sep-13 22:09:49

Ahh OP my dad was crass. all the things I would have been too shy to ask he already checked out before DH and I first met. He had to send him his full CV, 2 character references who my dad actually spoke to, had to promise he had no poor relations he had to send money 'back home' to support, he bought more gifts for my parents than for me before we married. But but he came from a different culture though same religion but similar enough to approach marriage in the same business like way. We still had lots of things to adjust the talks at the beginning cannot iron out all potential problem areas. But not money issues just because of personality not just being comfortable. it's true as some said no point having a man with money if he's stingy/keeps it to himself doesn't share with you. enough posts on MN along those lines. Better a generous poor man than a penny pinching rich man! If he's the latter don't bother- find that out first.

sittinginthesun Sun 22-Sep-13 22:09:50

My initial gut feeling was that you should be upfront, but having thought about it more, I think you could just meet him again, see if you still like him and, if yes, marry him!

It's different rules. He's obviously made enquiries etc about you, and appears to know a lot about you. Why shouldn't you do the same about him?!?

If you fancy him, and like him, then keep quiet and marry him.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:10:14

WorraLiberty, we don't consider it rocking up to a pair of strangers in my culture, it is seen as something normal...it is how things are done,
He doesn't want my family to accept him based on his finances. He wasn't dishonest/shady in the way he said it worra, it was more I work at X, it's a consulting firm that does xxxxx etc. I've been there for x years, my role is x, I have attended university x I am divorced and have no children and so on. My parents knew his full 'tribal' name but his business name is anglicized and his work is unknown to anyone outside his industry.

FabregeEgg You've never known anyone this wealthy before and it's unsettling

It is unsettling, I feel like I'm somehow not good enough.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:13:09

I don't mean not good enough really, more how can I keep up, I don't know anything about that lifestyle, my family is very very average and I'm worried he will think I'm a country mouse.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:17:11

worraliberty no rat worra, I'm trying to be deliberately vague with the details so it is not identifiable.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 22-Sep-13 22:19:37

It's actually normal in our culture as we don't date, the guys side will usually find out about the girl from her work in the community/charity/college and will have seen her at weddings or social gatherings and will find out more thro female relatives.

Then if she seems like they will be compatible he will express his intention to marry her ot the girls parnets and then get to know the girl and then the couple will decide in possibly a few motnhs of meetings and conversations whether they want ot be married or not.

It's far more clinical and a lot less romantic, but it's a way of meeting a likeminded potential spouse.

LessMissAbs Sun 22-Sep-13 22:21:02

I'm more intrigued by the dichotomy between your multiple references to charities work and your asking strangers whether you should marry for money. Both are designed to impress random third parties, but what do you do as an individual that makes you interesting/impressive?

But, yes, why not marry for money? A few women do, or at least try to. Do try and make sure you've got a job in place in case it doesn't work out. Marrying a wealthy man becomes boring after a while and it can almost be worth trying to prove yourself as an individual, because everyone will assume you get an easy ride through life.

Applefallingfromthetree2 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:22:01

Well let's hope he doesn't get wind of the fact that he is being discussed on MN by all and sundry-almost grounds for divorce before you start!

Scarletohello Sun 22-Sep-13 22:23:32

One thing I would add. You said your career is v important to you and you will need to put the hours in to progress. Is he going to be willing to allow you to do this or will he want to have a family soon? If he has so much money maybe he won't see the need for you to work? It's an important thing to agree on before considering marriage...

OP, when you met did you talk about why he had sought you out? How he came to even have heard of you, to seek you out?

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:26:16

Pretty much as fuzzywuzzy says. That is how approx 60% of my married friends got married.

Applefalling He won't as I've changed some details around but the basic premise is true i.e. marrying for money.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:31:26

LessMissAbs I am not impressive at all grin I'm a normal woman, in fact I don't think I've met more than 10 truly impressive people my whole life.

Scarletohello that is something we will have to discuss, but seeing as he had an opportunity to make something of himself and follow his dreams I am sure he won't deny me the same.

Gwlondon Sun 22-Sep-13 22:31:33

I think you need to find out if he has a generous spirit. He might have wealth but if he is not generous with his time, money, affection etc you might be very sad and lonely.

Can you ask some of your family to meet some of his family so that they can get a feel of the situation?

Gwlondon Sun 22-Sep-13 22:32:59

Don't worry about keeping up with the lifestyle because if he is nice he will help you!

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:36:17

Gwlondon That is the plan, but first I want to get a feel of him myself, to see if it is worth meeting each others family and friends.
My parent's have met him, though and they like him. My father is a good judge of character and he has never been wrong about someone. If they saw fit to introduce him to me then I'm sure he someone who is good.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:40:26

flowers to everyone who answered me, thank you all so much, I appreciate it.
I'm off to bed now. Thanks again smile

Inertia Sun 22-Sep-13 22:49:30

Bearing in mind that he knew of you before he met you , I don't think he'd have any grounds for complaint about you researching his background. I think you need to be honest about that, perhaps referring to his career success rather than his money.

You also need to establish what each of you is looking for in a partner before you think about marriage, to ensure that you have matching plans and priorities.

I think you are beating yourself up a little bit unnecessarily, OP. You are not considering marrying him for his money; you are considering marrying him, full stop.

You met him knowing that he already wanted to marry you and that your parents had vetted him ("My father is a good judge of character"). You said that you are "24 now and I feel it's time to move on with the next stage of my life". You found him gentlemanly and were willing to meet him again, with both of you considering the other as a spouse. All this was in place before you googled him.

Can you maybe just consider that you can tick the 'financially viable' box and concentrate on what else you require for compatibility? Personally I would tell him that you are now aware of his wealth, having googled him from curiosity (as any sensible person would), and understand why he downplayed it. And then see where it goes from there.

AGnu Sun 22-Sep-13 22:52:13

I actually think it is kinda romantic! I've had Miracle of Miracles stuck in my head all day after my church was talking about Jericho this morning. Sorry, completely irrelevant but this thread reminded me of that! grin

I think YWBU to marry him based solely on his money, although I totally get that feeling. My PILs are much better off than my parents & I was... intrigued/excited... Not sure what the right word is when I found out but now it's pretty much a non-issue & not relevant to why I married him.

FWIW, if I were in your position, I'd bring it up as soon as I next saw him. I think the best way to handle it is humility & honesty. Admit that you googled him, explain why, what you found & how you felt about it & especially that you felt conflicted about what to do next. Perhaps apologise for cyber-stalking him & ask to continue seeing him so you can get to know him for who he is, regardless of what he has. You never know, he might be impressed by your initiative, enthusiasm, honesty & humility! wink

KaFayOLay Sun 22-Sep-13 22:55:43

Umm, nobody is 'just' a technician or an engineer and nobody should be defined by their job.

Teapigging Sun 22-Sep-13 23:04:30

OP, assuming Google is correct, and this man is Mr Big, good-looking, pleasant, insanely wealthy and successful, and could have his pick of a large number of women, why you? Not being snide, but you should be asking yourself that question, too, surely...?

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 22-Sep-13 23:20:27

I also belong to a culture where arranged marriages are the norm. Mine was arranged. We did have all the romance and excitement of a new relationship though and we did fall headily in love- but it all happened after marriage. Seems strange to those who are not used to it, but honestly, it works in our families.

OP, I don't think you marry him for his money at all. Absolute no no. You will be with this man for what you'd like to be forever , giving him your life and love and soul. There are muh more important things I consider than money. Character, nobility, sense of humour, intelligence,values, compassion, chivalry, honesty, shared interests and of course, physical attraction. Money is undeniably important but not THE reason to marry someone.

Would you like it if a man married you for your money?

Mimishimi Mon 23-Sep-13 03:03:01

Are you attracted to him though? If something were to happen to the money and he lost it all (failed venture, unscrupulous partners etc) would he still be someone that you would love, find interesting and attractive ? I'd be a bit concerned that he thought you had the qualities he wanted in a wife without really knowing you at all. Also, from experience with friends, him having a lot of money does not necessarily mean you will have access to that - he might be the sort that asks you to show him every receipt etc, gives an 'allowance' etc. I'd give it some time and try to get to know him, and his motives, a bit better.

ChickenLickenSticken Wed 25-Sep-13 06:11:07

Ahh it's a shame money seems to have come into the equation really! Don't let it cloud your feelings op (though hard not too). Keep us posted on how things go!

RedHelenB Wed 25-Sep-13 09:42:40

I think I must be abnormal cos marrying that amount of money would have me running for the hills! My ex knew about me for a year before he engineered a way to speak to me so not necessarily creepy!

Big thing for me if it is a "true" bit is why did he divorce?

And are you 100% sure he is the main man at the company & you're not putting 2 + 2 together & coming out with 5? Could be embarrassing!

HairyGrotter Wed 25-Sep-13 11:06:13

If you can't marry for love, marry for money wink

be open and honest is my advice. tell him you thought he was being cagey so you did some investigation. would he like to tell you himself now? i do think you have to look past the money to the man, which i know you know. but seriously. the money glow will soon wear off if he's an arsehole, believe me. it's just not worth it.

Fakebook Wed 25-Sep-13 11:27:09

What about his family? Does he have parents, brothers/sisters? Wouldn't you like to meet them too and see what kind of family they are and how he acts around them before marrying him for his money? I think it's a bit strange he keeps coming alone to meet your parents. Unless in your culture the groom's family don't meet the bride's?

LessMissAbs Wed 25-Sep-13 12:47:15

I just find this thread really distasteful, from the title to the stealth boasting about the OP's supposed philanthropic charitable interests.

In my culture, its considered beyond the pail to boast about money, wealth and talk about it in such blatant term, even if you are a billionaire. Also, in my culture, its considered best not to blow your own trumpet, and in the unlikely event that a person was a great philanthropist at the age of 24, to go about your deeds quietly and without attracting attention. And the latter goes for personal relationships too.

Marrying for money is immoral. Marry for love or at least attraction. Money is irrelevant in the grand scheme of life as long as you have enough for your basic needs.

1chocolatetart Wed 25-Sep-13 12:56:53

I hope those judgey pants aren't giving you a wedgie there LessMissAbs

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 25-Sep-13 13:37:54

I think Mumsnet is probably the wrong place to put this question. Most of us are British and so have no comprehension of an arranged marriage. To me, how you have described the meeting etc is as wired as:-

Meet a bloke through a sports club. Become friends. Get drunk together one night. Suddenly realise you are standing close enough to kiss him. Suddenly realise you want to kiss him. Go "oh shit" (as you have a boyfriend). Dump aforementioned boyfriend. Start going out with bloke. Fall in love. Have lots of great sex. Get engaged. Get married.

Sounds to you.

If I was advising someone who was of the same background as me then I'd tell you to stop "putting the cart before the horse", go out with him a few times and see what happens.

But he's proposed so you thinking about marriage is hardly "cart before horse" material.

Very confusing!

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 25-Sep-13 13:38:28

Weird not wired!

fuzzywuzzy Wed 25-Sep-13 13:44:16

I think the comments are pretty balanced and sensible.

Don't marry for his bank balance alone, he might be an arse.

Sound advice regardless of culture.

Leopoldina Wed 25-Sep-13 13:48:06

one of my dearest friends inherited a reasonable amount of cash (a few million) and became VERY odd about money. She met a man at a party who told her he was a builder. She went home with him and STILL didn't click that not too many builders have little SW3 town houses and it wasn't for a few days he admitted he was a mega banker. He didn't want to be gold-dug and that's why he didn't tell the truth. She didn't need to gold dig and knew she liked him as a builder so his (substantially greater than hers) wealth was irrelevant. They all lived happily ever after. I can understand why he wouldn't brag to you.

flowery Wed 25-Sep-13 13:57:21

Um. In this day and age surely it would be more shocking if you hadn't Googled him? Surely he will be assuming you will have done so?

zatyaballerina Wed 25-Sep-13 16:40:35

If you are attracted to him, like his personality and character, enjoy his company and think you would work well together as a couple then why not? As long as it's not just for the money, you wouldn't want to marry a man who turned out to be cruel or abusive, or one who was really boring.

People come as packages, intelligence, humour, money, status, looks are all pluses.

KittyLane1 Wed 25-Sep-13 17:25:05

What are you waiting for OP?!

If I were you I would be telling him next time he takes me out he had better bring a ring!

Handsome, sweet, hard working, successful and he wants to marry you? Grab him OP! X

KittyLane1 Wed 25-Sep-13 17:31:08

Really OP how many other men like him are you expecting to come knocking on your door?

( if any more men like him do knock on your door, il pm you my number and you can send them my way)

Loa Wed 25-Sep-13 17:47:16

And are you 100% sure he is the main man at the company & you're not putting 2 + 2 together & coming out with 5? Could be embarrassing!

I was wondering this - perhaps a family member with a similar name owning the company?

It sounds like the money is more of a turn off than everything - bringing you feeling of not being adequate. Tell him you were curious and goggled and are not sure what to make of what you found.

Then ignore the money and think about him and check you are on the same page with other important stuff.

festered Thu 26-Sep-13 06:26:14

I agree with stonehaven.

I also believe the phrase 'A person who marries for money will earn every penny of it'.

Date him. See how it goes, get to know him-if you think after doing that, that you couldn't be happy with him-then It's time to reconsider.

If you LIKE him, then no-YANBU.

Hissy Thu 26-Sep-13 07:41:37

Now you know that he's able to support a family for example, you need to get to know who he really is.

How does he treat waiters/waitresses? How strict is he with religion? How does he treat his mother/sisters/family?

You need to make sure that he's not coaxing YOU into a golden cage.

He has to understand that this is not just a matter of him waiting for as long as it takes for you to agree to his wishes, this is a matter of you deciding if he's acceptable to you as a man.

The money is immaterial. Men from the Middle East have a famous reputation where women are concerned, in many, many ways, you'd be better off with a western man.

he has to prove to YOU that he's a good enough man for you to marry.

Don't ever compromise on this!

onefewernow Thu 26-Sep-13 07:57:50

I know it is usual in some European countries.

I think the money is immaterial.

I would see him some and make a decision on personality. He may work out or not.

Many love matches are a disaster too.

Teapigging Thu 26-Sep-13 10:01:07

OP, the thing you said about how, given that this man has had a chance to pursue his own career dreams, so you're sure he won't stop you pursuing yours, sounds very naive to me. This man, who is free to choose a wife how he likes, has opted for a semi-'arranged' situation, approaching your parents and not you, studying you from afar etc, which to me suggests he is conservative socially, and perhaps religiously.

That may extend to his ideas about married women working, especially as his wealth may mean he thinks you 'don't need to work'. Think very carefully before you marry him, and talk these things through before committing. Will he expect you to stay at home and look after children? Do you even want children, and if so, when, if you need to put in long hours at work now? Will he wait five years or so to allow you to get established? Is wealth worth the end of everything you ave studied for?

Beastofburden Thu 26-Sep-13 10:43:03

I would say that in the context of a marriage that is arranged/ sponsored by the community, you will have more advice open to you than just ours. I am sure your parents will also want to make an assessment of him- you say you trust your father's judgement.

Is it possible for either you or your father to ask him why he is divorced? I would want to know, personally, what happened last time he got married. How long were they married, who was she, what went wrong? That would give you a good sense of the golden cage risk. In the context of family involvement and scrutniy of your choice of husband, it may be something your dad could do rather than you.

I don't think you ought to be too freaked out by the money. Think of what Melissa Gates has made possible, turing the microsoft millions towards eradication of maleria. You dont have to be rich on other people's terms, you can be yourself still. I know people are saying he may be conservative- but he's not all that conservative if he's divorced, is he? Perhaps he was badly let down before and wants someone decent and honourable this time, so he's trying the old ways.

Latara Thu 26-Sep-13 10:53:02

The thing that stands out to me is the age gap of more than 10 years.
Are you sure you'd have that much in common?
I'm 37 and would never date a man of 24.

Preciousbane Thu 26-Sep-13 10:59:11

If you carry on dating him and he ticks other boxes and I do believe we all have a few boxes we want ticked then the fact that he is financially stable is great. If you get to know him better and he doesn't then don't do it just for money.

It is really a shame that you did google him, don't let it cloud your judgement.

Snatchoo Thu 26-Sep-13 11:04:13

Well he didn't tell you because he knew you would get giddy about this 'fabulous lifestyle' surely?

Date him and see how it pans out. It can be fucking tedious being married to someone you do like sometimes, so if you married him and found out you hated him it would be awful!

Branleuse Thu 26-Sep-13 11:36:05

dont marry him for his money. Try and imagine him not having any money and whether he seems like he would make a good husband and has the qualities you would enjoy as a partnership.
There is nothing wrong with trying to find out more about him, and googling him. that was sensible. Dont beat yourself up about it. The fact that youre worried about it, is because youre nice and arent as materialistic as some, who wouldnt even give it a second thought except delight at the thought of money.

Try and concentrate on his other qualities. of course money will be more comfortable than no money, but youre a working person in your own right, and you were considering finding a husband in this way anyway.
I would go on another date. Hes obviously liked you for a long time. You liked him before you even knew about the money, so it was already positive to begin with x

78bunion Thu 26-Sep-13 11:42:09

Check he really is that person. There is quite a bit of deception goes on with arranged marriages, people pretending to have MBAs or not disclosing they have disabilities because they are a result of a first cousin marriage or not being the caste they say. You need to check it out.

Secondly, he might want a pre nup so you get very little on divorce or if Muslim some kind of marriage contract nikah? who means you don't get much. Also would be be happy for you to carry on working full time when babies come? Would he consider being your househusband? Is he feminist enough?

Big age gaps do not tend to work too well.
Make sure you do company searches and get the accounts of his companies too,. Check the ownership. Sometimes you believe the person owns the shares but in fact his mother owns 98% and the son doesn't own much so on divorce you get very little. Another issue can be if the rights are registered for the patent is registered not in his name but another family members - do a search of the patent once you have the number to see if his company owns it and the name of the inventor and if he owns the shares in that company.

EldritchCleavage Thu 26-Sep-13 13:57:09

Try and ignore the money and take things back a step. The good news is, there is enough money for you to have security if you do marry him.

He could be richer than the Saudi king and you could still end up miserable. You don't want that and presumably neither does he. So what do you need to know to satisfy yourself that you've got similar or compatible values, philosophy and outlook that will give you the best chance of making it work?

My friend had an arranged marriage. They were compatible left to themselves, but their problem was his family (genuinely awful parents, I actually run and hide from them if they pop up) and disagreements about how to deal with that have taken years to resolve and still flare up occasionally.

This is the kind of thing you need to be thinking about now, not whether if you married him he'd give you the money to do x, y or z.

bragmatic Thu 26-Sep-13 14:50:07

If you marry a man for money you'll earn every penny.

ZutAlorsDidier Thu 26-Sep-13 15:51:33

I can't see why the money is a complication. You are at ease with the notion of an arranged marriage, your first impressions are good. At this stage surely a bombshell would be that he is bankrupt, or already married - not that he is financially secure (but secure x a million)?

What would you normally do at this stage? Invite him to dinner at your parents' or something? Do that. Do whatever it is normal to do to find out what you need to know: is he kind, does he have a sense of humour, does he smell nice, will he support your career, can he sing, etc. Or whatever matters to you.

How did the second date go?

MyBaby1day Fri 27-Sep-13 11:12:13

YABU (in a way), only marry him if you love him. Would you marry him if he was poor, I know at the moment I adore a man who is poor and would marry him in a heartbeat if only he wanted me so think. If the answer is yes then go ahead and marry him but NOT just for the money.

Bonsoir Fri 27-Sep-13 11:15:13

It sounds like a fairy tale! Go for it!

ohmymimi Fri 27-Sep-13 11:18:58

It isn't a fairy tale, it's RL.

PiratePanda Fri 27-Sep-13 11:20:52

Look, you liked him anyway before finding out about the money. I would certainly see him again - but take it slowly and a bit cautiously. You DON'T want to marry, for example, an abusive arsehole for his money. A wealthy man with a good character is a whole other ball game.

And I think it's actually promising that he didn't tell you about his wealth so you could make up your mind whether or not you liked him for himself. Not shady at all.

In other words, the money is kind of irrelevant, icing on the cake. If you would marry him without the money, then you can go ahead with a good conscience.

AndHarry Fri 27-Sep-13 11:26:42

I think there's a big difference between marrying someone for money and doing what the OP has done, which is meet a guy, really like him, find out he has mega-riches and think 'oooo how nice' as an added bonus. Marrying for money is not giving a rat's fart about the actual man, just about the lifestyle his money would give you.

AndHarry Fri 27-Sep-13 11:32:41

Or what PiratePanda said.

ZZZenagain Fri 27-Sep-13 11:40:48

so he thinks you have the qualities he wants in a wife - find out what these are.

nicename Fri 27-Sep-13 11:46:54

There's a difference between being worth loads and actually having loads! You can be a millionaire on paper but not have a lot in the bank.

You can lose a fortune overnight. A company can go bust, get sued or the owner ousted by an aggresive take over/buy out.

Forget the money. What if he insists on a prenup and turns out to be a complete bastard? Someone who likes beating up women, having girlfriends on the side, takes drunks, refuses to spend a penny... How big a bank balance would he need to have to tip the scales there?

The happiest and most secure 'wealthy' marriages I have seen are where the couple meet when still young/skint and grow together - either building a business or one suppprts the other in their career/business. It seems more 'equal' in some way.

I see a lot of 'older men, upgrade wife, young kids' combos around here. Women go lycra-crazy as soon as they get their first wrinkle or grey hair. They can't be feeling very secure... Money does not equal security!

Forget the money for the time being. See the man first. Has he been married before?

Bonsoir Fri 27-Sep-13 15:54:28

"What if he insists on a prenup"

What is wrong with that?!

nicename Fri 27-Sep-13 17:21:12

Nothing at all wrong with a prenup...

The OP asks if she should marry him for his money. Just consider if you would walk away with nothing from a marriage - either if you were unhappy or a few years down the line he played away.

I'm sure some s'leb spouses do consider the fact that if a marriage doesn't work out, hey-ho they will walk away with a few million to keep them going.

youretoastmildred Fri 27-Sep-13 17:25:52

I don't think the prenup matters either.

- either you live happily ever after together, so so what
- or he supports your career, you separate, and you are no worse off than you would have been pursuing your career on your own (having lived at some very posh addresses for a while)
- or he doesn't support your career, or you take time out to have children, and then separate, and then prenup or no prenup there will have to be a settlement that recognises your loss of earnings while looking after him and any children

Choos123 Fri 27-Sep-13 18:04:53

He knows you googled him. If he doesn't, he's some sort of mug. You need to think about if you're on the same page about when you have children too, especially at the point you're at in your career. I'd tell him you were curious, if you can't be yourself with him the money's irrelevant.

LillyGoLightly Sat 28-Sep-13 16:31:56

Have to be honest here sorry,

I think it is lovely that you have met a man that you like and who seems to like you. What a nice surprise for you to also find out that he is well off.

I think it's great that you liked him before you knew his worth, but it does seem you like him much more because of his finances. Not I problem I understand that, what I find is really bothering me is that you are already in a fantasy about what he and his money can do for you. Your effectively already spending it before you have even discussed the fact that you know about his worth and financial situation with him!!

I know its easy to giggly and girly at the prospect of a fantastic lifestyle and financial security, but I wouldn't let that cloud your judgement of what this marriage could be.

As fantastic as wealth is I prefer to have me emotional needs met over my financial ones and the only way in which I want 'providing for' is in kindness, love and companionship.

I know this sounds very preachy but I have had the fortune/misfortune to meet a few wealthy men who were interested in a relationship marriage with me. Each time I thought to myself how lovely it would be to have no monies worries and a wardrobe full of wonderful clothes/shoes, exotic holidays etc, but each time I came back to the fact that I would be more miserable with all that stuff than I ever would be without it because I would not be in love with the person providing me that lifestyle and so I couldn't bring myself to do anything but politely tell them I wasn't interested (damn!!).....oh well

LaQueenForADay Sat 28-Sep-13 17:22:32

"Better a dinner of herbs, where love is...then a feast with all, but no love therein..."

Just saying.

DH and I met at university, when we were penniless students with nothing. He told me he loved me, and would be marrying me, by the end of our first weekend together. I laughed at him (but secretly knew it was meant to be) smile

Before he'd even graduated, he'd set up his first company and was very successful for the next 8-9 years. We lived a fantastic lifestyle.

Then it all went Pete Tong, and we lost nearly everything. DH had to start from scratch, and drag himself back up by his boot-straps. We ate a lot of beans on toast for a couple of years and rented a tiny 2 bed house. It was so hard.

I think when you are genuinely in love you can face most things together, and it only makes you stronger. Even in the hardest of days, I would still rather have eaten beans on toast with DH, then eaten at The Ivy with any millionaire.

When you are truly loved, and you truly love in return then you are always rich, and that strength of emotion can never be bought.

coraltoes Sat 28-Sep-13 17:32:27

Keep dating him, live the champagne lifestyle for a while, see if you love him, then worry about marriage. Enjoy!

my2centsis Sat 28-Sep-13 22:22:20

Have you seen him again yet op?

Why didn't you or your parents google him before you went out with him? Surely that would be quite a normal thing to do.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 28-Sep-13 23:41:06

Yanbu. .I would. But then I would think a rich man had worked hard! Xx

springybuffy Sun 29-Sep-13 00:54:09

Sorry, posting before I've read the whole thread (read about half but my bed beckons)

this sounds weird to a western culture, but it isn't weird in yours. However..

He told your parents he worked for X company (not that he owned it): why couldn't he have told you the same thing? Perhaps he doth protest too much to be deliberately coy but giving you enough info that you would of course go ahead and research him. Of course you would.

If marriage in your culture is a 'business deal' then you could tell him you know he's worth a mint, and what would that mean in the working out in your marriage? eg what access would you have to funds, how would you both divide it up etc. Find out if you're going to be an equal partner in the marriage (which would be a very western idea - I don't know precisely how it would go in your culture re finances).

How can you not be seriously swayed by this new info. It's not possible to not be seriously dazzled by money of that magnitude. I really think people who are saying 'just forget the money' are being unrealistic. Of course you can't forget the money!

I am more concerned that you already feel like a country bumpkin. His persistence, nay confidence, in pursuing you is precisely the kind of confidence that successful people have: they know what they want. That persistence, mixed with a middle eastern culture, could end up not being a blessing for you, a woman. You're not at that point of knowing what you want, you're young (untried and untested), whereas he is tried, tested and successful - he has walked a road you have not walked and it has become an established part of him. There could be an imbalance of power, an element of teacher/student, parent/child about your relationship, certainly initially - particularly if you already feel like an oik. He'd have to be a very special guy to have the skills to teach you the ropes respectfully.

You've never had money, please don't underestimate this: it takes a long time to understand money when you've never really had it. Money brings with it a huge tranche of problems that plain don't exist in 'normal' life (as if normal life isn't hard enough..). You may be dazzled by the money - who wouldn't be - but it's not necessarily all it's cracked up to be.

though of course sometimes it is! I'd get to know him a LOT more before deciding what to do. Very rich men can be a handful, frankly.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now