'R U A young mum????' AIBU?

(101 Posts)
NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Sun 22-Sep-13 08:54:59

Hello all, I'm an lurker/occasional poster, this is my first AIBU thread so I'm a little bit scared grin

I received a letter and flyer in the post yesterday inviting me to attend a 'young mums group'
In large font (comic sans shock) at the top of the flyer it reads:

R U A Young mum or young mum 2 B???
R U 19 or under???
R U looking 2 make friends???

AIBU to be extremely put off by this and to find it a little patronising? It's as if they are trying to communicate with Vicky Pollard.

I bet there's no way on earth they would use 'R U???' On a flyer for a group which wasn't specifically targeted at 'young mums'.
Also AIBU to find the term 'young mums' a little annoying too? Aren't all mums just mums? You wouldn't see a flyer advertising a group for 'old mums' would you? confused

mummymeister Sun 22-Sep-13 08:58:11

another example of 40 somethings trying to "talk the talk" with teenagers. always ends badly and just cant understand why they do it. there are clearly some issues that specifically affect teenage mums and they are trying to form a support group but this is a fairly crap way of going about it imo. assuming you aren't 19 perhaps we need some teenage mums to say what they think.

pianodoodle Sun 22-Sep-13 08:58:14

It reminds me of a parenting leaflet the HV have DH for Dads.

The front was a motorway sign with "fatherhood this way" on it and inside it said "keep this in your glove box"

DH doesn't drive I do though!

It seemed like the only literature a man could cope with was one with pictures of cars that was only 3 pages long grin

pianodoodle Sun 22-Sep-13 08:58:36

gave DH, that should have said.

ZillionChocolate Sun 22-Sep-13 08:59:08

I can see your point. I would be put off by comic sans and text speak. Completely dismissing it because of that is probably unreasonable and cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Yanbu. Not a mum but I remember all the advertising for anybody under 19 being in text speak, it still is generally and spoken advertising always seems to be a bloke with a laddish voice sounding 'tough' hmm

It is shitty stereotyping and assumes that young mums cannot possibly be literate.

Sleepyhead33 Sun 22-Sep-13 09:00:05

YANBU, incredibly patronising. Ok it might be text speak amongst some but they are not texting-it is a leaflet advertising a service.
I hope people aren't put off by the ridiculous approach as such groups can be so valuable when you have young children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 22-Sep-13 09:01:56

YANBU... the 'R U' part especially makes it sound like they're trying to be 'down with the kids'. As if a younger mother can only understand text speak. hmm Toe-curlingly patronising. I remember being incensed after getting a flyer from DS's school for 'single mums' offering help with conflict resolution and financial matters.... appalling sterotyping! As I live in a very calm home and earn a respectably good salary I binned the offensive thing. Suggest you do the same

I have seen these leaflets. I didn't attend either grin

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Sun 22-Sep-13 09:03:40

Mummeister I am 19. I think it's a group with invite only. It also advertises a free crèche in which you can leave your child for upto two hours shock um, no thanks!

I am tempted to reply in a polite email explaining why I have been put off attending the group.

pianodoodle I saw a flyer like that a couple of months ago at the community centre! At least it had proper spelling and grammar though grin

gordyslovesheep Sun 22-Sep-13 09:04:20

YANBU it would irk me lots BUT it's likely to have been designed by the group and not by a 40 something

as a 40 something who works with teenage parents I never ever use text speak

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 22-Sep-13 09:11:26

This will appeal to some young women though.
The txt spk, comic sans and free 2 hr crèche. You are obviously not their target audience OP so no need to feel patronised.

Y R U not goin? Cud be gr8 fun


I was 19 when I had my son too.

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Sun 22-Sep-13 09:16:27

SP think we may have spoken on here before! grin wonder if we live close to each other if you have seen them too? Perhaps we should stand outside holding signs saying 'Y U NO USE REAL SPELLING 4 US???'

Sindarella Sun 22-Sep-13 09:18:17

R U not goin op? Cud b g8 like, u cud have a glass of pop an like sit around txtin each otha, like.

JakeBullet Sun 22-Sep-13 09:18:38

YANBU OP but just to throw in the other side of things I have worked with several teenage mothers who felt HUGELY self conscious about being teenagers and parents at the same time. They felt like the whole of society was judging them so probably would have welcomed this.

I agree about the text speak though.....it never looks good from an over 30 grin. Smacks of trying too hard.

monkeymamma Sun 22-Sep-13 09:19:11

I am tempted to reply in a polite email explaining why I have been it off the group.

Ok, I can see why you dislike the font, copy, general approach and yes it is patronising and has pretty much missed the mark here.

BUT... I think you have lost sight of the fact that this is a pretty brilliant service, laid on for free, and most likely run by people who are hardworking and committed to helping others. (And I'm sorry but statistics do show that younger mums are more likely to need their help IN GENERAL, of course that doesn't apply to all younger mums but they are trying to use funding where it will make a difference.)

Those of us benefitting from government or council run children's centres, local services etc (i count myself and my son in this group... we go to lots of lovely free things locally) are bloody lucky and future generations will not get the same.

So I think yab a bit u, to be honest. I'd love it if there was a local group with free crèche for frazzled 30something mums but they haven't organised it yet! :-)

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Sun 22-Sep-13 09:19:29

Sindarella I think I'll politely decline on this occasion grin grin grin

LEtranger Sun 22-Sep-13 09:21:50

I was a "young mum", quite a long time ago now mind you...I completely avoided things in text speak...found them very patronising and emphasised that i was in a category i should be ashamed of sad and never visited a "young mums" group, but as mrsTheroux says, I probably wasnt their target audience. That said, it took me years to accept it was ok that I'd had kids young and to embrace it rather than hope no one noticed how young I was! May be a group of others in my situation would have helped.

If it's putting it off, it may be worth contacting them and letting them know - all new mums need support, no matter what age!

McNewPants2013 Sun 22-Sep-13 09:22:06

I was 19 when I was pregnant had DS when I was 20.

I have always hated text speech, there is just no need for it.

englishteacher78 Sun 22-Sep-13 09:22:44

My students laugh at teachers who use Comic Sans a well known 'trying to be cool and down with the kids' font.

LEtranger Sun 22-Sep-13 09:22:49

putting it off putting you off

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Sun 22-Sep-13 09:22:52

monkeymamma I can see your point I suppose, perhaps I should suck it up and go? Especially as its invite only so they may lose out if a lot of others don't go too. Hmm I'll have a think smile

WithConfidence Sun 22-Sep-13 09:27:04

Young mums groups are set up because some young people who have children are less likely to take advice or access support from health care professionals. They are also more likely to be isolated and have pnd.

Obviously this is not true of every young person with a child but someone has thought that this appraoch would attract people who don't attend regular playgroups, perhaps because they think they will be judged for being young.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Sun 22-Sep-13 09:27:26

YANBU I'm actually cringeing for whatever try hard twat designed and ok'd that leaflet. I had my first at 21 so not a teenager but think I'd have still been very hmm

JakeBullet Sun 22-Sep-13 09:27:41

We have local groups who provide these services for free with volunteers. I am part of a service which does this, it is about boosting self esteem and morale and providing some support. The parents who attend often pal up and support one another.

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Sun 22-Sep-13 09:28:17

LEtranger I think I might email them. And you've described how I feel a lot of the time too about being a 'young mum' And flyers like that don't help. I think they could have definitely gone about it in a less patronising way! grin

BeCool Sun 22-Sep-13 09:30:07

YANBU re the comic sans and abbrs. maybe they are targeting young mn'ers wink.

AidanTheRevengeNinja Sun 22-Sep-13 09:30:24

I am under 31. Can I use the free creche? Please? <wild eyes>

YANBU in that I agree it does sound patronising, but was probably designed with good (if misguided) intentions and is likely a very a valuable service. In your position I'd probably go, see what it was like, get chatting to the organisers and offer to help with design of future leaflets. Chances are they would welcome it.

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Sun 22-Sep-13 09:36:16

Aiden you're right and I think I will go. I did media studies at college which included a lot of flyer designing and i really enjoyed it so I think I will offer help in designing future ones smile

LEtranger Sun 22-Sep-13 09:47:42

But don't be ashamed Nirvana - there's really nothing to be ashamed about, which I'd realised that a whole it sooner! Just enjoy being a mum - if you're confident and refuse to care about your age, no one else will care either or at least not dare to say anything to your face

LEtranger Sun 22-Sep-13 09:48:24

which wish - seriously bad typos today!

happygirl87 Sun 22-Sep-13 09:48:25

YANBU. I have seen posters like that at my GP surgery and thought the same thing.

Relatedly, not to derail the thread (honest) has anyone read safe sex leaflets for organisations like the Terrance Higgins trust, aimed at young gay men? They always use phrases like "fucking up the arse", which I find very odd, because equivalent adverts aimed at young straight men/women normally say "anal sex", and I can't imagine that this causes too much confusion?! confused

pianodoodle Sun 22-Sep-13 09:51:45

It's funny the way things change though my mum was married and had both me and my sister at the age of 20 and 22 and it wasn't the slightest bit unusual then - most of her friends were the same.

Now my friend is 22 and considered a "young" mum. 30 years ago I'd have been considered an "older" mum at the age of 31 but that's not unusual at all now!

Very patronising and either someone really can't spell, or they're trying too hard. If I got that flyer through, I don't care how desperate I'll be in 7 months time to meet other young mums, I'd ignore it, or correct the spelling and send it back to them.

Text speak annoys me. Comic Sans annoys me even more. angry

mrspremise Sun 22-Sep-13 10:03:52

Comic sans is the devil's font. It is often accompanied by bad spelling and worse grammar. Add in a soupçon of txt-spk (yuk) and voilà, you have the perfect recipe for everyone vomiting with rage proved that you have no taste grin

Tabby1963 Sun 22-Sep-13 10:16:39

It does look a bit odd to anyone not used to text speak and it might have put me off too.

The fact is that young mums may need extra support and access to advice and friendship, because of a perceived judgement from others, and feelings of isolation.

I would hope that GPs/HVs would already have identified these young women and encouraged them to attend meetings for group support.

creamofparsnip Sun 22-Sep-13 10:28:00

I know two women who became parents at 18/19 and honestly, they are fantastic! It completely removed any stupid prejudices I had about 'young mums'. Wish I could be classed as a young mum! grin

YANBU for it to annoy you but I would go anyway but politely mention it. smile

catgirl1976 Sun 22-Sep-13 10:29:02

Gah thats awful

Agree it will be written by someone older trying to be all hip and down with the kids.

And failing miserably.


I had a leaflet. I'm not going (although Im a young mum).

Nirvana I'm in West Yorks. I managed well without the classes. My son is nearly 4 now so my winging it seems to be working grin

My brother foes text speak and I text him back the same. He seems to just drop vowels.

How are you and toddler? Becomes Hws u n tddlr?

confused I reply W r gd thnk u fr skng

He then has cheek to say he doesn't understand what I am saying grin

MyBoysAreFab Sun 22-Sep-13 11:07:34

God I am old, I had to google what comic sans is! I HATE text speak. It is a constant source of amusement to my ds' that when I text them I spell every word out fully. "mum you are such a noob" grin

SPBisResisting Sun 22-Sep-13 11:07:45

U R not being unreasonable
However I agree with everyone else that this is probably a good thing. Definitely feedback that to you their approach was offputting. However I do feel the majority of text speak is in the u25s
I don't honestly know whether the majority of U25s are into text speak though. I remember my first sight of it when my friend went to university - we didn't have mobiles or email but she used to write me letters in text speak!

My mum is also attempting text speak but hasn't got the hang of it. It also looks like shes pressed send early

SPBisResisting Sun 22-Sep-13 11:11:44

I regularly get blank texts from my aunt. My mum is slightly better. From her I get "ok". Mind this is a woman who, about 5 years ago, used to dictate her emails to her secretary so it's progress!

My mum sends Ok texts!

Her idea of text speak is one from today
'I know' which is normally shortened to 'I no'. In my mums world is becomes 'I kn'

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Sun 22-Sep-13 11:44:29

SP ahh! I'm in North Yorkshire smile LOL at ur broz n mumz txt spk! grin

AllTwerk Are you near me too then I wonder?

SPB my gran regularly sends blank messages to my cousin who's first it her contacts, she doesn't know how to get off the text message page so just sends blank texts. My cousin didn't realise it was her for about 6 months grin

Right, I'm gonna go to this group then and I'll try and jokingly bring up the txt spk rather than complain about it.. DD and I rarely go to groups so will be nice for her to make some more friends (and hopefully they will have coffee there for me) smile

My nan is fluent in text speak grin she speaks perfectly fine at home, but when she texts it's impossible to understand her, she's worse than my little sister!

FCEK Sun 22-Sep-13 11:52:56

are you in scotland by any chance? I know a local group who do these leaflets!

mrsjay Sun 22-Sep-13 11:56:32

oh god how cringeworthy they are trying to relate to the young, the intentions are good but oh no with the text speak, i was a young mum i was 21 but I am so old there was no text speak in my day grin

mrsjay Sun 22-Sep-13 11:59:05

you know sometimes younger mum especially if they are teens find older mum a wee bit intimidating and a young parents group does benefit them but I do think once people are a bit more confident then they should be mixing with all mums, I work with parents and their children and we have some younger mums and they do feel that some of the older mums are judging them but they really are not, takes thema while to get used to it,

EduCated Sun 22-Sep-13 12:05:24

Argh, I hate this. My workplace deals with a lot of 18-21yo. Faux txt spk is rife. I don't know who ever thought it was a good idea.

mrsjay Sun 22-Sep-13 12:12:22

my dds get things like this in the post dd1 gets one from the young persons health service (or what ever it is called) it is all and the text speak and down with the kids pictures really irritate her , she is 20 not 12

Boobybeau Sun 22-Sep-13 12:13:40

I agree that you're probably not their target audience but I'd still give it a go. Sounds like a great opportunity to give your feed back on their services so they dont put others off in the future and you'd be a good role model to others who may be struggling maybe? I can totally see how the stereo typing annoys you though

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 22-Sep-13 12:18:20

I was 20 when I had DS and found this kind of thing patronising too. We didn't have an under-19 group but an under 21 group. That was "R U Under 21?" as well.

Plus when I was at school all of the safe sex etc websites, always in "txt spk, coz it's cool innit hun"


I went along to the group precisely once. It was full of Vicki Pollard types and they all glared at me because I was dressed in some scratty old clothes I'd had for years, they looked like they'd just walked out of a high street shop window.

The woman who ran it was lovely, though.

I have a relative who is currently living in a Mum and Baby unit, they had their babies between the ages of 13-18, I was a Mum at 18, but many years ago.

This leaflet would appeal to them and a also many of the younger Mums who use the Children's Centre that I work closely with. This group and "our" group feel judged and intimated by slightly older Mums and don't want to mix at all with Mums over 30.

Normally, before new style leaflets go out, focus groups are used, they are not created by 40 something's thinking they know what will work. Our community outreach workers work hard to get the groups that really need the services into the Centres etc. Unless you are working in the community, it is ridiculous to think that you know better.

I get leaflets through that don't appeal to me (in my 40's) that would do to many, I am into fitness and tech savy, I don't need most "over 40" activities, but I can see why some activities are marketed as such.

efffy Sun 22-Sep-13 12:30:45

I had dd1 at 19 too, cue lots of txt spk invites. Erm no thank you.

My hv couldn't understand that not all mothers below the age of 21 were Vicky Pollard types.

The worst though was she gave mine and dps address out to fellow under 21 year old parents without my knowledge/permission. This was because 'we were all in the same boat...' But that's another story...

Boosterseat Sun 22-Sep-13 12:37:17

DS at 17 here, the very well meaning health visitor kept passing me those leaflets.

I did go to one group, unfortunately I got my changing bag stolen, had the pass taken out of me for enrolling on a first aid and baby massage course and to top it all off I was spat on when I read 2 of them the riot act for purchasing cigs with milk vouchers.

The health visitor told me (wrongly) the mothers in the normal group might shun me because of my age. They were absolutely lovely and provided a wealth of advice and experice and glad I kept in touch when we moved away.

That kind of talk is just infantising young mums, it's condescending and a bit cringeworthy.

hettienne Sun 22-Sep-13 12:43:23

Young mums group = great
Fake txt spk = patronising

Why wouldn't the OP be the target audience? She's a young mother, so surely she is confused

It's like invites to dads' groups that are all about football and bacon sandwiches, as if that's the only way to entice men in.

hackmum Sun 22-Sep-13 12:56:50

So much that is wrong here. The text speak. The Comic Sans. The multiple question marks. I mean, why? How many question marks do you need to illustrate it's a question?

Also, perhaps a little pedantically, why one question that ask if you're a "young mum" and then another one that asks if you're "under 19"?

Buswanker Sun 22-Sep-13 13:06:41

I didn't go to the young mums group near me because the flyers/posters were the same. I found them quite rude.
When I did go to the mums group they were all older mums and they were rude, I was 17 and looked about 12 I am in my 30s now and look about 50 I was with the father of my child, we worked, we were both studying, we had our own house and my family were supportive.
They were judgement of me even thought I thought, and still think it doesn't matter how old you are when you have a baby as long as you look after it well.
Looking back I wish I had gone to some ANY baby groups.
I did complain to mothercare once when they did some kind of advertising campaign where the young mum was a typical teen, the older mum was a working mum who wanted a csection, there was a hippy mum who wanted a homebirth, it was awful. I will try and find a link to it. I don't think they would get away with it now!

roughtyping Sun 22-Sep-13 13:10:43

Very cringeworthy!

Do wish I'd had a young mums group though. I had DS at 17, the only 'teen mum' antenatal group was on one of my college days. At the breast feeding support group I ran into my friend's step mum; she was lovely but her experiences and worries (and those of the majority of ladies at the group, due to the lovely area I live in!) were a million miles from mine.

PlotTwist Sun 22-Sep-13 13:18:57

I was a teen mum, had my first two at 17 and 19 and I felt very judged by older mothers, but I wasn't a typical teen either, so I'm not sure how well I would have got on with a group specifically for teens.

Ironically, the most fish-out-of-water experience was when I took my third baby along to baby massage. Quite affluent area and all the conversation was about range-rovers and roof boxes, and prams that cost half a grand. I wasn't even a teen then, I was 25. Still younger and a whole lot poorer than the other mums.

I think you give the group a try, you may find a like-minded mother with who you can bitch about the patronising leaflets grin

monkeymamma Sun 22-Sep-13 13:23:20

Nirvana that's a great idea about helping the with the flyers! There's really never an excuse for comic sans in my view :-)

mrsjay Sun 22-Sep-13 14:18:52

I guess the group organisers just want to reach out to new young parents but this text speak getting down with the kids is condescending but if the leaflet was in black and white and used real words then maybe it would go straight in the bin

SugarHut Sun 22-Sep-13 14:38:33

I love that this leaflet actually exists!!! Some plank sat, designed, and published this thinking how terribly in touch they were. I think it's so fucking awful, it's rather cute.

Yanbu to want to roll it up and insert it back into said designer. Personally, it's the sort of thing I'd keep and show my friends, it's really made me laugh grin

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter Sun 22-Sep-13 15:39:24

YANBU - it does seem extremely patronising. I was 19 when my oldest DC was born, a leaflet like that would have gone straight in the bin. And yes, Comic sans is the work of the devil.

SPBisResisting Sun 22-Sep-13 22:01:29

Nirvana I cqnt think of a way to say this without sounding like im trollhunting and im not promise! Just, havent you been round for ages? There's definitely a 'nirvana' in n yorks, are you her?

whatshallwedo Mon 23-Sep-13 07:35:58

hettienne those 'dads' groups really get on my nerves.
Why should a dad only take his child to a baby group because there is a free bacon sandwich??!! angry

At the same Surestart the groups during the week don't even get offered a glass of water but it's ok to bribe the dads.

Also why are they allowed a group on a saturday? Mums also work and there are times when I would love to take dd to a free group at the weekend.

Plus (can you tell this annoys me yet?) they tend to do exciting things such as den making which the weekday groups don't angry

JakeBullet Mon 23-Sep-13 07:51:16

The reason for the bacon sarnie is that Dads are often harder to engage. They need the sweetner of the bacon sarnie to get em there wink.

But I get your point, women get very little in comparison. The only place I have seen such Dads groups though have been areas where the community as a whole are hard to engage and have poor health and social outcomes. Getting the Dads in is often vital in supporting what is being sad to the Mums.

EduCated Mon 23-Sep-13 08:16:15

Also, by being so patronising, they're almost making it worse. If young mothers are feeling judged for their age, something as patronising as this is surely making it worse? As the target market it's put the OP off.

HolaGuapo Mon 23-Sep-13 08:21:11

YANBU. I'm 18 and expecting my first (very unexpected!) child in January and I get leaflets like this. No thanks, I'd rather go to a mum and baby group that's for everyone!
I'm engaged to my partner and we're saving for a mortgage, I've completed my A-levels and I'm going to uni next year and there is nothing at all that sets my situation apart from anyone else's apart from the fact that I was a bit young when I fell pregnant.
It really winds me up especially when I get treated like a child. The sure start advisor told me 'there's lots of support in place for girls like you', I asked what she meant by girls like me and she just assumed I wasn't with the baby's father and was struggling financially without even asking. hmm

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 23-Sep-13 08:22:35

I used to get annoyed about the dad groups thing - then I realised that they weren't trying to attract the kind of dads who are involved with their DC already, they are trying to attract the kind of dads who aren't. If you make a group unisex, then those kind of dads will probably opt out and send their DW instead. Plus they have to really hammer home the "dad image" by using the bacon sandwich and den-making etc.

Sad but true sad It's not because men are inherently reluctant or less inclined to play with their DC or whatever, but that society is constructed around enabling this, especially in certain areas/communities. So it's the most immediate way of going about it even if it is reinforcing stereotypes in the long term.

I wonder if it's a bit of the same for the "young mums" groups TBH? The stereotype is damning but stereotypes exist for a reason, they don't appear out of thin air. Statistically not all young mums are as mature as each other.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 23-Sep-13 08:26:17

Because in fact, all of us on this thread saying "Well I was a young mum and I have a degree/husband/million pound house" isn't really the point is it? We're fortunate to have those things. Actually quite a lot of young mums will be single parents (due to immaturity of their relationship/the father) and struggling financially because they don't have a partner or parents to support them and they can't get a job because of the DC.

Health visitors shouldn't assume, but then health visitors can be a bit blinkered and unable to see the nuances of a situation at the best of times.

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 08:47:11

Dads groups can be vital it isn't about the dads who do with their children it is about the dads who don't or don't know how to engage with their kids,

mrsjay Mon 23-Sep-13 08:48:40

you put it so much better than I did yoni but i agree with everything you said,

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Mon 23-Sep-13 09:14:03

SBP I'm about confused as to what you mean? I have been around for a while but very very rarely post, think the last time was about 6 months ago. Not sure what you mean by troll hunting? On my last thread someone accused me of being a troll too, is it something to do with my posting style? For some reason I find it difficult to post and respond on forums, I can hold a conversation in real life but on mumsnet I find it difficult to keep up and can't get my thoughts across properly grin


NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Mon 23-Sep-13 09:19:28

Ffs posted too soon. Stupid phone.

Congratulations Hola I was 17 when I had my DD. I managed to do my a-levels, but have now realised the subject wasn't what I want to study so will be doing it all again!

I realise these groups do want to engage younger mothers and I realise some need support more than I do, but still think it doesn't take much to use 'Are you?' Instead of 'R U???' And actually adress us as adults because that is what we are.
Wish there was bacon sarnies like there's us at some dads groups though shock maybe I could suggest it? grin

SPBisResisting Mon 23-Sep-13 09:24:15

No no im definitely not calling you a troll. I think there is another nirvana type name in the same part of the cointry and she either does or did post a lot. So I was confused but I think it's just coincidence. Sorry. Ignore me!

NutritiousAndDelicious Mon 23-Sep-13 09:29:24

I was a very young looking 18 when I had DS.

I went to a young mums group (invitation with text speak as well!) and felt like a fish out of water and incredibly patronised (I was not their target audience)

I went to a regular run of the mill mums group, no one spoke to me, apart from at the end when one lady told me that my lace was undone, but that 'must be the fashion with the kids of today' then the whole group laughed at me. I went home and cried.

I felt so out of place and self conscious and alone. It's hard being a young mum and working full time, you don't fit in anywhere!

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Mon 23-Sep-13 09:31:21

Haha oh I see SPB grin I did got through a phase of about a week a long while ago where I did post a lot, still may be me you're thinking of? Not sure. If there is another Nirvana from n.yorks then Hellooooo! Not sure why I go through phases where I post quite a bit and then don't post at all for months. think I'm just a bit socially awkward on the Internet grin and how do people keep up, some threads on here move so fast! Also can't count the number of times I have written a reply to a thread and then deleted it coz I got scared! grin

NutritiousAndDelicious Mon 23-Sep-13 09:31:37

By the way I'm a young looking 24 now and still have people shock at the fact im walking around with a 6 year old, he's mixed race as well. Some people's judgy pants are practically strangling them when I walk past grin

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 23-Sep-13 09:35:14

True, Nirvana, but a 15 year old (for example) isn't an adult. Some 16/17/18/19 year olds don't act like adults either, in fact a lot of them don't.

Having a baby makes some people mature very fast but others don't, they just think they are, or they carry on the way they always did but dragging a baby/child along in it. That is who these groups are aimed at. Not you, or me or the poster who is saving for a mortgage. They will often be girls from chaotic homes who don't have much of a role model for bringing up their children responsibly. They might not have the maturity to make good financial decisions. In teenagers the part of the brain which thinks about long-term impacts of decisions is not fully developed - this is probably less the case if you have had it modelled to you throughout life to think things through and consider long term implications. I suppose there is an argument as well that those who have this part of the brain more developed are less likely to take risks which make pregnancy more likely, and perhaps more likely to consider options such as abortion. So much less likely to be in the position of having a child at a young age anyway.

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Mon 23-Sep-13 09:36:08

Nutritious Those women sound like Bullies! I bet that made you feel so awkward you poor thing!

I suppose because there are so many different groups you have to find the one that's right for you and your DC inbetween all the young mums groups, normal mums groups, singing groups, toddler groups , play groups etc etc.
I hardly go to groups and I feel DD may be missing out a bit, so I'm gonna go to this one and even if I don't like it, it may give me the confidence to try some more out.

Tavv Mon 23-Sep-13 09:36:16

YANBU. Is everyone under 19 too dim to read the words "are" and "you"?

nancerama Mon 23-Sep-13 09:38:43

YANBU. Our local authority was running summer activities for teens and advertising it as "Summer in da boro". Cringe.

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother Mon 23-Sep-13 09:40:39

Yoni I see what you mean, you make a really good point. There will probably be mums like that at this group. There might be some that need a friend.

I work in a children's centre and design posters, or put them together to send off to our graphics department who do a better job. grin

I would never use text speak on a poster. However it's the sort of thing we'd ask our parent forum or parents already attending a young mums group to give their input on. (ofsted like that sort of thing) It might be that the young parents designed it, and said it was a good idea, and would make them want to come?

WallaceWindsock Mon 23-Sep-13 10:13:18

Its horrid stereotyping. I think half the mistake people make is in saying that groups advertised like this have a target audience which this type of advertising would appeal to. What about the rest of the mothers under 25. This kind of advertising puts most of us off however we still get all the judgement and stereotyping from other mums, we still get assumptions and ridiculous comments. These groups need to appeal to everyone within that age bracket. I would have liked to meet other mums my age that were in similar circumstances to me. This kind of group could have facilitated that.

Im 23 and have a 2.5yo and a 6mo. Since having DS people are less judgey, I think partly due to the fact that they now stop assuming I'm a single mum and therefore a benefit scrounger, but also because I suddenly look a fair bit older due to general sleep deprivation and moving further into my twenties. After having DD however I was very judged. A lot of young mums were very unpleasant about the parenting choices I made (BLW etc), about the way I dressed, that I sounded "posh", "stuck up", even of the fact that I was in a relationship. Older mums tended to either patronise me hugely, ask me if I knew who the father was, assume I was relying on benefits and bring in charity items for me! etc.

I've worked out the best way to get round all this crap now, I never leave the house looking scruffy or without makeup as then I tended to get "aren't you coping" assumptions, I loud parent DD and I just walk up to people and start conversations. You can see the expressions change as they register that im not talking all "innit" and am forming intelligent sentences.

Equally though I hate that I would be judged more if I was a single parent or was relying on benefits (as I was for a short period). It's all so awful, there are good and bad mums in all age brackets, communities, cultures etc. God, I remember the HV at DS' early visits asking me if I was ok for money in a concerned voice and checking that I knew to smoke outside away from baby. I don't smoke! and had never given her reason to think I did.

I was a mum at seventeen and find this type of stereotyping so frustrating! If I were you, I'd contact them and point out how patronising they're being. (And if you don't, post their details. I'll happily do it for you! wink)

NutritiousAndDelicious, I've had very similar experiences! One woman at the "normal" mums group actually pulled her child away from my barely-walking 1-year-old as he tried to play with her, tutting her teeth at me as if our presence offended her! I'm 22 now and still get the occasional stare, but I've learned to enjoy shocking people!

HerlockSholmes Tue 26-Nov-13 00:27:32

YANBU i had my son at 20 and still think of myself as a young mum. i would automatically dismiss that as text speak annoys the crap out of me. it's actually quite insulting, to me it implies that because you are "young" you'll be more likely (or only able to) to respond to something that's been blatantly dumbed down.

my 50+ mother and 70+ grandmother use text speak my 16 year old sister and i only use it when we are having a joke and generally hate it.

ShylaMcCall Tue 26-Nov-13 00:29:13

I think the OP has long gone. Did you not see the Zombie thread warning?

NoComet Tue 26-Nov-13 00:35:29

I know this is a zombie thread, but you might like this on too.

HPV leaflet that DD2(120 wasn't impressed by either

NoComet Tue 26-Nov-13 00:38:52

bracket fail, DD2 is 12, she'd say it's me who's120

Fairy1303 Tue 26-Nov-13 07:44:49

YANBU - this drives me mad!!

However, our young mums group stops at 23 and at 24 I'm too old grin! But much younger than most of the other mums, coupled with an 8 year old step daughter who looks like me (the looks I get!) - I'm a bit of a misfit all round!

OwlinaTree Tue 26-Nov-13 07:52:12

They are trying to offer a service which is badly needed by some. It might not be well expressed but they are reaching out to potentially vunerable people. Cut them some slack, or offer to help and redesign the leaflet if it is a local thing.

OwlinaTree Tue 26-Nov-13 07:53:05

Oh didn't see it was zombie!!

Fairy1303 Tue 26-Nov-13 08:08:45

Oh no!! I fell into the same trap! X

AmberLeaf Tue 26-Nov-13 08:28:10

blimey. since when did a two month old thread = zombie thread?

Thatisall Tue 26-Nov-13 09:07:19

nirvana I would love for you to send a well worded email to them. You would have to use big words wink and impeccable spelling!

Ps. I was 18 when dd was born, this sort of thing pissed me off too

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