To think there's nothing wrong with marrying the only man you've ever had sex with?

(132 Posts)
MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sat 21-Sep-13 23:16:07

I'm 25 and married and have only ever had sex with my DH. Some of my friends think this is weird and one even remarked that she felt sorry for me as I have not had much "variety" hmm

I didn't think it was sad or weird and im very happy with my DH. Probably just my autism rearing its head but she made a joke about it with another friend in front of me and seemed to brag that she had slept with atleast 10 people and I felt a bit pathetic about only sleeping with one person.

Don't even know why she brought the conversation up but wish she hadnt. I felt embarrassed and our other friend could see how upset I was and said "guess we know who the bike of the group is". This made me laugh.

But really what wrong with only sleeping with one person?

LoganMummy Sat 21-Sep-13 23:18:10

Of course there is nothing wrong with that!

I'm very old fashioned in some of my beliefs but I've only ever slept with people I've loved.

lougle Sat 21-Sep-13 23:19:32

Don't worry about it. I married a man I hadn't even slept with wink

If you love your DH and he loves you, who cares that you didn't sleep with someone who you didn't love?

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sat 21-Sep-13 23:20:10

Thanks logan that's the way I feel about it too.

Fairylea Sat 21-Sep-13 23:21:58

Ignore her. Maybe she feels bad about some of the people she's slept with and is trying to justify it to herself.

Personally I've slept with 8 people. Only half of them proper relationships, the other half were short termers... I really don't think peoples sexual habits matter as long as its not hurting anyone and done safely!

WafflyVersatile Sat 21-Sep-13 23:24:53

It's probably quite unusual these days but there is certainly nothing wrong with it.

You've found a life partner and that's worth a lot more than a bit of variety.

LoopThePoop Sat 21-Sep-13 23:24:59

Yep, I was you.
Met DH at 15 married at 26.
3 kids later and I'm 35 and wish to Christ both of us would have done MORE . We both agree we should have but it's a bit late now..

Driz Sat 21-Sep-13 23:25:12

Nothing.
But equally what is wrong with sleeping with loads of different people?
You seem to be judging her as much as she is judging you

Lj8893 Sat 21-Sep-13 23:27:06

Nothing wrong with it at all.
But there's nothing wrong with sleeping with lots of people before settling down either.
Each to their own I say smile

One of my best friends got married at 19 and her DH is the only man she has slept with.
I (although not married but may as well be!!) have slept with errmmm "a few" people before I met my partner.

Can't really say either mine or my friends relationship is stronger than the other so I don't think it makes a difference.

WafflyVersatile Sat 21-Sep-13 23:27:55

No she isn't. She didn't say there was anything wrong with it. Their mutual friend made a joke because her other friend was being a bit mean and making her feel embarrassed. The joke broke the tension and probably changed the subject.

elQuintoConyo Sat 21-Sep-13 23:28:06

Nothing wrong with that, [MoveYourArmsLikeHenry] . DH and I have only ever slept with each other - that's just how life works sometimes thanks

I would say, though, that a 'friend' who publicly took the piss like yours did, wouldn't be a friend of mine for long. Sadly, making a comment about being a bicycle ain't any prettier hmm

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sat 21-Sep-13 23:31:37

Before anybody else starts I didn't say there was anything wrong with sleeping with lots of people. I didn't make the joke, my other friend did, and she only did so to make me feel less embarrassed about only having one sexual partner. The first friend made fun of me for sleeping with one person, and that's the issue here.

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sat 21-Sep-13 23:33:28

Thanks for the replies. And yes, each to their own smile

Dysgu Sat 21-Sep-13 23:36:20

I married the (at the time) only man I had slept with but he had slept with other people. The marriage lasted 7 years, no kids and we divorced. We are both happier now...

My parents have only ever slept with each other (DON'T ask me how i know this but I do - from my dad hmm ) and they celebrate 45 years next week.

I don't think it is that common these days to marry your first/only sexual partner although then again, it may be that many people don't discuss it. I don't think it matters either way TBH although I do agree that with a friend like this, you might want to think more carefully about what you do discuss if she uses it to laugh at you and make you feel 'odd'.

Xmasbaby11 Sat 21-Sep-13 23:39:02

You're very lucky. I slept with 7 men before meeting DH at 30. But I was always lonely and the sex wasn't always good!

TiggyD Sat 21-Sep-13 23:39:49

But you can't have sexual relations with somebody before you're married. It's naughty and makes the baby Jesus cry.

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sat 21-Sep-13 23:42:28

tiggy you sound like my health care teacher at school. She actually used to tell us that grin grin

foxy6 Sat 21-Sep-13 23:43:35

my dh is the only man I have ever slept with. I just think we're the lucky ones to of found our dh's early. I was 17 when we met and that was nearly 20 ago. I don't feel I've missed out dh satisfies me I don't need anyone else

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sat 21-Sep-13 23:44:28

xmasbaby you think I'm lucky for marrying my one and only sexual partner? Thanks grin

TiggyD Sat 21-Sep-13 23:47:13

I've not had 'goings on' with more than 2 people at a time.

blueshoes Sat 21-Sep-13 23:49:41

There is nothing wrong but variety and novelty are fun in themselves, it just seems sad to settle down so early.

But I guess you don't know what you miss so it is understandable you are in AIBU.

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sat 21-Sep-13 23:50:06

tiggy would IBU to say I really like you already? grin

TiggyD Sat 21-Sep-13 23:51:48

Feel free, and congrats on finding somebody. I've given up on love. <sigh>

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sat 21-Sep-13 23:55:46

That's when love finds you. When you stop looking. Apparently.

TheBigJessie Sat 21-Sep-13 23:57:20

There is nothing wrong with any number of partners, as long as all sex was consensual, responsible, respectful and honest.

People who initiate mockery of others for having a different number of partners are insecure and stupid/lacking insight. Your friend was nasty to you about something pretty meaningless. It says nothing about you, but a great deal about how she's worried about whether she believes there's a moral value to numbers alone.

Don't worry about it. I mean, would it be logical to meet someone, fall in love with them, and then dump them, so you could shag more people before you got married? Or cheat during the hen night? That's how absurd her sneer at you was!

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sat 21-Sep-13 23:59:39

Thank you jessie your post makes a lot of sense. Be it 1 or 100 partners, nobody should be judged

TheBigJessie Sun 22-Sep-13 00:04:31

Also, TiggyD, does "elle ajoute un chapeau" happen to mean anything to you?

If it does, hi, and thanks! grin [stalker emoticon]

TiggyD Sun 22-Sep-13 00:12:14

No it doesn't. confused

BOF Sun 22-Sep-13 00:15:07

It's just none of anybody else's business, and very gauche of her to bring it up: jeez, you're not in school any more. Treat that sort of attempt to embarrass you with the contempt it deserves.

MrsMook Sun 22-Sep-13 00:16:40

I'm married to my first partner. I was just lucky to fall in love with the right person when I was in early adulthood. Apparently I'm his 3rd, not bad for being 10yrs older.

Beats having had a load of heartache first!

It's probably more common than you'd think, just not seen as very cool and bragable these days.

Jan49 Sun 22-Sep-13 00:21:00

I married the only man I ever slept with and I was his only ever partner at the time. I'm divorced now. But not for that reason. Having multiple partners is a health risk. I suppose most people consider it worth the risk, like driving a car knowing you have an increased chance of death compared to walking.

There's nothing wrong at all with sleeping with only one person. TBH I think it's the ideal but doesn't work for most people.

ILoveAFullFridge Sun 22-Sep-13 00:22:46

"There is nothing wrong but variety and novelty are fun in themselves, it just seems sad to settle down so early.

But I guess you don't know what you miss so it is understandable you are in AIBU."

But if you're happy you don't miss anything. Why is it sad? That would be like saying that practicing Jews/Muslims/Buddhists/vegans are sad because they miss out on pork and other foods. But if they are spiritually fulfilled they don't feel the restriction.

ILoveAFullFridge Sun 22-Sep-13 00:23:56

And nothing wrong with only ever having had one partner.

Plenty wrong with mocking that.

80sMum Sun 22-Sep-13 00:28:24

Nothing wrong with that at all!

Morloth Sun 22-Sep-13 00:30:09

I married DH when I was 21.

Neither of us had had sex with anymore (or since! ).

Wouldn't have it any other way.

Different strokes for different folks.

Summerblaze Sun 22-Sep-13 00:47:07

I met dh when we were both 14. Neither of us had obviously been with anyone else or since.

We celebrated 21 years together this year, married for 13 and have 3dc. Not only that but I still like him, love him and am attracted to him which is more than can be said for a lot of people I know. The sex is great. He may be the best in the world or the worst but as I have nothing to compare it to, it doesn't matter as long as we both enjoy it.

That said, I don't think it is wrong for people to have had previous partners. If I hadn't met dh, I may have been the same. I have had people say the same to me. Don't let it bother u. Enjoy your relationship.

murasaki Sun 22-Sep-13 00:49:17

There is nothing wrong with sleeping with only one person.
And there is noting wrong with sleeping with lots of people (provided you're sensible about precautions).

Neither choice should be judged.

MyBaby1day Sun 22-Sep-13 01:05:13

YANBU, it's lovely that you are like that smile

Sandychick31 Sun 22-Sep-13 01:06:49

No imo YANBU.

AbiJen Sun 22-Sep-13 01:13:05

Not everyone believes in sex before marriage. I married my husband because he was perfect for me, soul mates blahblahblah, then after marriage, had sex. Any woman who has had an amazing orgasms knows that they are based on an amazing relationship. If you're in tune with each other, then you're going to please each other, but that's only what I know, and mine's very good for me...

A statistic for you ...over 50% of couples that married in the 30 years are now divorced.

We as humans are territorial and insecure, and we can't cope with knowing about previous partners and questioning the relationship you have. Is he right for me, did he get on better with ... , i saw him looking at her, is he displaying disloyalty. Go figure, huh...

TheRunawayTrain Sun 22-Sep-13 01:15:30

YANBU. Who you sleep with should be your choice- and if you met the man you loved, then you wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else, so one partner is kind of fine. Like sleeping with 10, 20, 30, 40 or whatever number of people. All fine.

I have slept with well over 20 people. My choice. My friend openly talks about the fact he DH is her first time. Her choice. No worries.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 22-Sep-13 01:17:16

I have slept with more men than I care to remember. I wish that I had only ever slept with dp.

ukatlast Sun 22-Sep-13 01:33:29

What Jan49 said 'Having multiple partners is a health risk'

Cookiepants Sun 22-Sep-13 01:33:29

If it ain't broke, don't fix it! I met my DH at 15, now 29 and still happy with my choice grin. I don't feel like I've missed out being messed around and disappointed, I count myself lucky I found a man who makes me happy on the first go!

squoosh Sun 22-Sep-13 01:41:27

'I felt embarrassed and our other friend could see how upset I was and said "guess we know who the bike of the group is". This made me laugh.'

Wow OP you sound like a charmer! So it's awful for someone to poke fun at you but you're more than happy to sneer at someone who's made different choices to you?

Yep, you sound just lovely.

hmm

SlobAtHome Sun 22-Sep-13 01:47:44

Nothing wrong with either. I don't see how bedroom (hallway/kitchen/garden wink) activities are anyone else's business except for those involved confused

LillyNotOfTheValley Sun 22-Sep-13 01:54:24

What would be weird is to have sex with someone else just for the purpose of not having one partner in your life! If you are happy woth your DH there is nothing wrong.

MrsKoala Sun 22-Sep-13 03:36:19

It wouldn't work for me personally. I like to have lots of partners and it's the one thing i really miss when in a relationship - so yes i do think it's a little odd compared to my experience. The only 2 people i know who married their first partner ended very badly as they hit their 30's and felt they had really missed out and had 'midlife crisis' and left their wives.

Lo at 'missing out on pork ', very appropriate comparison given the subject matter grin

I've only slept with DP. We've been together 27 years.

DP had had a couple of previous relationships, including a shortlived marriage, but only about 2-3 people in total (and I'm friends with his ex wife).

I don't think it's right to judge others for how many people they've slept with; it'll be what's right for them and we're all different.

The only thing that ever slightly worries me is whether I'd be able to have sex with someone else if anything ever happened to DP and I found myself dating again. Not that I really dated in the first place. Met DP at 18, we clicked and here we are years later. But our sex life has been enjoyable so I would want to try it with someone else, I'd just be a bit nervous.

CharityFunDay Sun 22-Sep-13 05:31:32

OP, I suppose you might always wonder whether the grass is greener, but if everything is cool between you and your man, then why worry? You've struck lucky first time.

Driz Sun 22-Sep-13 05:45:18

But why did you laugh at your friend making derogatory remarks about your other friend?
There is NOTHING wrong with your choices and there is NOTHING wrong with hers. So why are you judging/ laughing at each other?

ILoveAFullFridge Sun 22-Sep-13 06:42:07

The OP laughed because she felt uncomfortable and doubted herself, then her friend broke the tension with a statement that put a different perspective on things.

What, is she meant to be perfect or saintly?!

Driz Sun 22-Sep-13 06:45:51

No, not at all. But why laugh?

Jeremiad Sun 22-Sep-13 06:46:51

There's nothing wrong with only sleeping with one person for your whole life as long as the sex is devastatingly good.

Because it would be a great shame to miss out on that.

firesidechat Sun 22-Sep-13 07:21:41

Don't worry about it. I married a man I hadn't even slept with wink

If you love your DH and he loves you, who cares that you didn't sleep with someone who you didn't love?

Me too lougle.

Both my husband and I have only slept with each other and have been married for almost 30 years. I know that this sounds quaintly old fashioned now, but I love the fact that it has always been just "us".

OP it worked for us and looks like it works for you too, so ignore your friends. It's not their life is it? They can do what they want and so should you. Why does it concern them so much?

lisylisylou Sun 22-Sep-13 07:36:45

Yanbu, your sexlife is your own business and your friends sound as though they belong in school. Just enjoy yourselves and stuff other people who shouldn't be talking about your sex life in the first place! Now I have kids, business etc - my Dh gives me that all knowing look every night and I am seriously knackered so I have found a new way to beat him off grow armpit hair and leg hair! The beauty of that is that if I do want it I shave it all off - everyone's a winner haha

MrsWolowitz Sun 22-Sep-13 07:39:08

I married DH and we hasn't had sex before marriage.

He had slept with other women before we got together but we didn't sleep together.

Of course there's nothing wrong with it. Anyone who thinks there is has a pretty skewed perception of relationships IMO.

fl85 Sun 22-Sep-13 07:43:23

It probably is unusual these days but certainly nothing wrong with it.

Personally I have slept with quite a few others apart from my DH.

One of my sisters has only ever been with her DH and she is really happy.

Who cares as long as everyone is happy :-)

bearleftmonkeyright Sun 22-Sep-13 08:08:46

In this day and age do people still find this lovely? What does it matter? I don't care about anyone else's sex life but my own. I have been with dp a long time but if I had.met him recently I doubt I would have been "saving myself". I would have been the bike as your friend so charmingly put it.

Driz Sun 22-Sep-13 08:21:07

I don't think many people would find it 'lovely'. Personally I would hate an inexperienced lover

MissDuke Sun 22-Sep-13 08:30:11

My husband and I have only ever had sex with each other :-) We have always felt that it makes it more special for us. However it is a very personal thing, I don't expect anyone else to understand so I just don't talk about it with my friends. My friends don't know how many partners I have had and vice versa - it wouldn't even enter my head to ask them!

LEMisdisappointed Sun 22-Sep-13 08:37:23

Driz 1. That probably reflects more on you and also the op isn't inexperienced she has just gotvher experience with one person.

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry Sun 22-Sep-13 08:42:14

Why am I getting flamed by some people for laughing at a joke made to try and lighten the mood. No it wasn't that funny but I was very embarrassed and angry at my friend for saying those things, then the other friend piped up, presumably to try and help me, I didn't know what else to do.

Social situations are awkward for me. Maybe it's something you can brush off but its not so easy for me to do.

usuallyright Sun 22-Sep-13 09:01:35

Driz, I remember sleeping with someone who had the reputation of lothario, ladies man.
He was awful in bed.
Experience does not equal being a good lover.
If anything, someone who's been with the same partner for a very long time, having satisfying, regular sex, is probably better at sex than someone who has lots of partners but also dry spells when they're single.

usuallyright Sun 22-Sep-13 09:03:42

the more you practise at something, the better you become at it! It's likely you'll have had far more sex in a long term relationship with a one and only, than numerous partners over many years!

Lj8893 Sun 22-Sep-13 09:31:46

"Why am I getting flamed by some people for laughing at a joke made to try and lighten the mood. No it wasn't that funny but I was very embarrassed and angry at my friend for saying those things, then the other friend piped up, presumably to try and help me, I didn't know what else to do."

Your getting flamed because it wasent a very nice "joke" for your friend to make and shouldn't have been laughed at.
It wasent nice of your friend to joke about your sex life and it wasen nice of your other friend to joke about friend A's sex life either. Calling someone a bike is very mean.

Sounds like both friends arnt particularly nice.

TheBigJessie Sun 22-Sep-13 09:32:53

You lot up there.

Person A decided to bring up person B's sex-life and mock person B, in front of other people.

I frankly think person A deserved to get it turned round on her by the audience. Person B, our OP, was so upset by the whole thing, that she had to make a thread on Mumsnet for reassurance. No double-standards here- it's not okay to make fun of people for having less partners than you.

Do you have any useful advice on how she should handle any similar situations, instead of criticising the OP for giggling when the woman who was humiliating her got her joke turned around on her by another friend? I was thinking books on feminism and female sexuality, so that friend A can throw off the shackles of guilt entirely, instead of trying to cover up misplaced guilt over having sex with superiority.

Henry they are probably flaming you because they have failed to read the OP and are taking the comment as personally directed at everyone's sexual choices.

prudyklimovitsky Sun 22-Sep-13 09:34:16

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheBigJessie Sun 22-Sep-13 09:36:30

Also, sad face- it must have been a different Tiggy.

ProudAS Sun 22-Sep-13 09:37:42

Maybe its an autism thing but I did the same and don't regret it at all.

Lj8893 Sun 22-Sep-13 09:39:00

I'm not flaming the OP for laughing at what her friend said, I too probably would have laughed uncomfortably.

However I don't think either friend sounds very nice, what friend B should have said instead of the nasty bike comment was something like "oi friend A, your not being very nice, leave it out" rather than calling her a name. 2 wrongs don't make a right after all.

NoComet Sun 22-Sep-13 09:47:50

I've only ever slept with DH, no great moral thing, we slept together on our first date and had sex on our second grin

Just the way the world worked out, my previous BF was very shy. I knew I didn't love him and to have made the first move would have been using him.

I'm very old, so there weren't condom machines in every pub. So much as I'd loved a bit of fun with one if the lads back home just before I went to uni. No way was I risking it.

Anyhow, DH and I have been together 25 years, so we must get something right.

TheBigJessie Sun 22-Sep-13 09:54:57

Normally, I would agree with you that saying "oi, that's nasty" is far more constructive than more names.

However, I feel differently in this case; perhaps it's my absolute hatred of sneering over bedpost notches, but I think that anyone who engages in it does deserve to have it reflected back. It may not make them realise the whole thing is absurd, but it might make them stop trying to make others feel crap in the future.

In the long-term, I'd give friend A some feminism texts for Christmas, if I could afford it!

Lj8893 Sun 22-Sep-13 09:58:53

But the OP hasent actually said what friend A said in her mocking. Just that her "bragging" about sleeping with 10 people made her feel a bit pathetic. For all we know, friend A may not have said anything that bad. Being called a bike may not have been deserved.

McNewPants2013 Sun 22-Sep-13 09:59:40

I have had sex with my husband and nobody else.

I went for years over thinking it until I felt confident in my own sex life.

AdventureTed Sun 22-Sep-13 10:09:46

You've both got less chance of having STI's.

You can feel more electricity just brushing hands with the one you love than having sex with someone who doesn't mean as much to you (so I'm told!).

It depends. If the sex is out of this world, then of course it makes sense to marry him, whether he's your first or your fortieth. and the relationship is otherwise good too, of course

DH and I have only ever slept with each other. Not because of any great plan, but because we met young and have stayed together. I really like it and I think DH values it too. My friends don't know as it isn't something I choose to discuss with them, though I would tell them if asked.

makemineamalibuandpineapple Sun 22-Sep-13 11:01:59

My bf has only ever had sex with me. If we get married, fingers crossed, then I will be his one and only. I would call it unusual rather than strange. Who cares about variety anyway, some men are rubbish!!

What should be wrong in marrying the only person you have loved?!

Substitute the word sex for love and your scenario is totally different.

Your friend was being a numpty.

Nothing wrong with it at all, in fact I nearly married the only man I'd ever slept with (but then things went horribly tits up).

I was once called a prude for only having ever slept with three men (I was 26). I replied "we'll I'm sorry, but I don't give my body away for free, and I certainly don't sleep around with any Tom, Dick and Harry regardless of whether they're married or not". She left the conversation very quickly after that. I have no regrets about what I said, don't call me a prude just because you're a slut.

PiddlingWeather Sun 22-Sep-13 11:31:52

Nobody is a 'slut' for sleeping with a lot of people confused and nobody should be mocked for sleeping with only one.

Some people like having a variety of sexual partners, some people feel more comfortable with one or two. It is like any sexual preference, it depends on the person involved, what they are comfortable with etc. it doesn't make the opposite choice right or wrong

I was once called a prude for only having ever slept with three men (I was 26). I replied "we'll I'm sorry, but I don't give my body away for free, and I certainly don't sleep around with any Tom, Dick and Harry regardless of whether they're married or not". She left the conversation very quickly after that. I have no regrets about what I said, don't call me a prude just because you're a slut.

Hmmmm. She shouldn't have called you a prude, but your slut comments are a bit off colour. What does "giving your body away for free" mean anyway? Do you think women should charge for it? wink

All relative anyway. I've known a few people (Catholic upbringing) who'd think sleeping with 3 different men by the age of 26 qualified as pretty slutty behaviour and far from prudish.

BelaLugosisShed Sun 22-Sep-13 11:58:34

I've been with the only man I've had sex with, for 30 years (and vice-versa) smile, DD is 23 and has had at least 4 partners (that I know of) , neither is the "right" or "wrong" way, it's just how life works out.
I plan on going to the grave having only ever had DH, that's just who I am, nothing to do with religion or anything else.

squoosh Sun 22-Sep-13 12:06:55

'don't call me a prude just because you're a slut.'

To be quite frank, you sound like a horrible individual. Did you not have the imagination to express your annoyance without resorting to such equally judgemental name calling?

kali110 Sun 22-Sep-13 12:08:55

Nothing wrong op you just met your dp first!i wasn't that lucky but im not bothered by it!pretty glad i didnt marry my first lol
Doesn't really matter how many partners your friend has had either. Im quite old fashioned to only dtd with someone i love, but i wasn't lucky to meet my dp first its not always how it goes!
Although my best friend did question the fact she had only ever slept with her dh i told her she was lucky to have met him first.

Nancy66 Sun 22-Sep-13 12:10:45

Nothing wrong with marrying your first lover, nothing wrong with marrying your one hundred and first.

Whatever works for you.

*LEMisdisappointed Sun 22-Sep-13 01:17:16

I have slept with more men than I care to remember. I wish that I had only ever slept with dp.*

^^ this! (except that I would have missed out on my DS1, but that's a slightly different issue)
I think you are lucky OP, enjoy the fact that you can learn and experiment together, rather than "benefiting" from previous experience.

StackOverflow Sun 22-Sep-13 12:14:53

Nothing wrong with that - as long as you're both happy with it.

I was the first woman STBXH had ever slept. He was not my first, though. This was an issue in our relationship for many years; for some reason he saw it as me being unfaithful before I had even met him. His incessant curiosity about my previous partners certainly didn't help either.

If both of you are fine, I don't think it's a big deal. Bringing morality into it, on the other hand, ...

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 12:14:58

There's nothing wrong with that at all! A woman I went to school with recently married her boyfriend of 10 years. Only bloke she has ever slept with.

Ignore people who make comments. They wouldn't like it if you made comments about how many people they'd slept with would they?

I don't think it's your autism making you touchy about this, it's the fact it's fucking rude that's making you touchy!

salemsparklys Sun 22-Sep-13 12:18:14

I have only been with my husband as well x

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 12:19:26

visualise

I think you're very prudish if you think a woman who has slept with a few blokes is a slut. And stuck in the 70's. The 1870's that is.

I haven't slept with many men, that is my choice. how many men my friends or other women have slept with isn't my concern. As long as everybody is happy and healthy why does it matter.

Lj8893 Sun 22-Sep-13 12:20:48

visualiseahorse you sound delightful.

Slut is a horrible thing to call anybody, much ruder than prude.

Even if someone had slept with 100 people, it wouldn't be fair to call them a slut.

needaholidaynow Sun 22-Sep-13 12:20:50

I'm in my mid 20s and only slept with 2 people- my DP and my ex. My DP is always going on about "his past" and how he had sex with loads of women. I do feel like I've missed out.

My DP is always going on about "his past" and how he had sex with loads of women. I do feel like I've missed out.

Why? It could have been shit sex. Lots and lots of shit sex with lots and lots of women.

Lj8893 Sun 22-Sep-13 12:30:54

I used to have a friend who had only slept with her dp (now DH) i was single at the time and was fairly promiscuous, not overly so but I had slept with several more than 1.
She used to joke around with me and call me a slut, it wasent very nice.

In the end I pointed out that yes I may have slept with lots more than her, but as far as sexual activity and experiences went, she had actually done alot more than me.

Anyway, she's not a friend anymore smile

needaholidaynow Sun 22-Sep-13 12:32:44

Why? It could have been shit sex. Lots and lots of shit sex with lots and lots of women.

True true, that's very very true.

Editededition Sun 22-Sep-13 12:33:30

There is nothing at all wrong with it, OP smile
However I do know of one-man-women who, in their middle age, discover an overwhelming need to find out if the grass might have been greener.............

TheArticFunky Sun 22-Sep-13 13:39:25

Dh has been my only serious relationship. Old "friends" used to say to me that it would never work because you need to go through a relationship breakdown in order to know what you want/don't want from a partner.

What was I supposed to do? End a relationship that was working just because it was my first serious relationship.

Cravey Sun 22-Sep-13 13:45:28

Well I did it ! We got together when I was 15 had a babies when I was 18 and got married when I was 30. I'm now 42 and have only ever slept with my husband. I don't feel I'm missing out at all. In fact I'm perfectly happy. I don't see what business itis of anyone's apart from yours to be honest.

Sinful1 Sun 22-Sep-13 13:47:47

Loopthepoop

Why wish you'd done more? If you guys want to experiment and explore there's swingers clubs in practically every town. It's never to late for a little adventure

AbiJen Sun 22-Sep-13 16:31:49

I think OP is just asking whether or not she's a freak. I think we've established there are alot of bikes out there... lol. It made me laugh, but not because I'm wicked. It was a heartfelt comment where the mutual friend was just lightening the tense mood and not making judgements...

Lj8893 Sun 22-Sep-13 16:39:52

Calling someone a bike for sleeping with 10 men is making a judgement.

squoosh Sun 22-Sep-13 16:43:57

How the hell can referring to someone as a bike be seen as anything but a judgement? It's a horrible way to describe anyone.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 17:11:10

Pretty sure if I called my friend " a bike" in response to her saying "oh bless you're practically a virgin" when we once discussed numbers.

I didn't feel the need to bite back because I'm quite happy with my choices. I presumed she was happy with hers until then. Maybe not. Not my problem though.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 17:11:34

*pretty sure if...she would have felt very judged.

cory Sun 22-Sep-13 17:30:07

People are all different. Some people can't handle that.

gwenabee85 Sun 22-Sep-13 17:36:46

aww, no, I did it! We met at 16, got together at 17 and are now married aged 27. I was always of the opinion I'd not sleep with anyone unless I loved them, so there you go smile

MrsKoala Sun 22-Sep-13 18:00:03

i think the bike 'joke' depends entirely on the tone of the joke and what kind of 'openness' you have in your conversations with friends. With some of my friends it would just be a jokey quip with others it would be rude. If someone has opened the door in the conversation and is 'joking' about someone elses sex life then i'm afraid i think the gloves are off for a lighthearted jokey disagreement with extreme stances being made for humourous effect. If of course anyone thinks anyone really is a prude/bike and it's not just expressing in a 'how unusual, but each to their own' kind of way, then it's not nice and shouldn't be said. Only OP can know the tone of it all. If that makes sense.

AbiJen Sun 22-Sep-13 21:12:39

sleeping with 10 men. all at the same time?... lol.... yes 'bike'. I think the someone's reading the thread and over reacting.

I don't think we (men or women) should be so free with sex...I think society is so desensitised about it all that we aren't aware of the long term psychological damage to society itself.

But is this an opinion, or is it a judgement?

OP wasn'y judging, she was asking for opinion, and really didn't seem to be judging anyone. I think we judge ourselves and lash out. why you so het up about the bike reference... it was clearly funny and not an attack or a judgement in this situation between friends.

Readers taking it to heart makes me wonder why they are taking it to heart?

squoosh Sun 22-Sep-13 21:16:40

Disingenuous and sneering. Congratulations AbiJen.

MrsKoala Sun 22-Sep-13 21:23:07

I find the 'women hold the key to a secret speshul place which has to be earned by a prince before they give their magical gift away' type attitudes much more damaging to society Abi. Look at what it has done in the past, think of victorian hypocritical values. Personally I like just fucking. For me there is no special gift, no 'giving' yourself to someone. You just do an activity together which may or may not involve a penis being inserted into a vagina. I am still whole afterwards and none of me has been 'taken' or 'given'.

seaweedhead Sun 22-Sep-13 21:32:15

Its quality that matters, not quantity.

PracticalGirl89 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:37:55

Absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is better in a way as there are no ghosts in your bed and no comparisons with past lovers.

Lj8893 Mon 23-Sep-13 00:22:47

I personally think calling someone a bike is not a nice thing to call someone. I equally don't think its nice to call someone a prude. Whatever the persons sexual nature/choices.

I have slept with several men, not loads but my fair share haha, and don't regret it tbh. I chose to sleep with every single person I have done, I don't feel like I have given anything away or that I have done any damage to myself as certainly not to society.

Equally if I had only slept with my dp, I wouldn't regret it because that was my choice.

To call someone a bike, or indeed a slut, is really unnecessary and bullying behaviour.

TheBigJessie Mon 23-Sep-13 13:00:54

My goodness. For the record, I bet the OP was entirely justified in feeling offended.

But some of the posts since have been just as offensive! Giving oneself away for free?

Having sex is not giving oneself away! Sex is supposed to be equally pleasurable for both partners. It shouldn't be something you let a bloke do to you, so you can go to sleep...

The last time someone having lots of partners seriously affected society was Henry VIII, but I think we can agree that the Reformation wasn't purely caused by one bloke getting married six times. Otherwise, I hate to think what effect Zsa Zsa Gabor (nine marriages), Elizabeth Taylor (eight marriages) and Britney Spears (one of the shortest marriages ever) would have had upon us all.

If anyone wants to wage war against people giving themselves away for free, why not campaign against people being forced to take part in Workfare programs? That's giving oneself away for free, and hardly any of them are even truly consenting.

SelectAUserName Mon 23-Sep-13 14:31:24

I don't agree with 'bike' or 'slut' comments, although I can see that the OP's friend was probably thinking along the lines of "live by the pork sword, die by the sword".

I'm another who has only slept with one man, and 20-odd years on I have no regrets. I can also be fairly confident that thanks to society being more open about sex in general and there being more opportunities to see what (some) other people get up to, I haven't missed out on anything or am 'putting up' with inferior sex because I don't know any better.

Two people in love, who still find each other attractive, can have exciting and varied sex if they want to - it's not the sole prerogative of those who have had a larger number of partners.

FWIW, I didn't call her a slut to her face.

This particular woman was slutty. I knew her well (worked and lived together for 4 years). I'm sorry to say that I do find pouncing on men, regardless of their marital status, and sometimes in front of their partners, and sleeping with several different men during one month slutty. In my very own tiny not really that important opinion, I think that is slutty. But as a PP said, it is all about perspective. I could equally be seen as slutty for having sex outside marriage.

By the 'giving my body away for free' comment, I meant that I have to love someone, and have their love and respect in return before I have sex. I know that this is not true for everyone, which is ok, I don't really care who you sleep with. But she should not have judged me for choosing who I sleep with carefully, just because she doesn't. It got my hackles up (it was a party, we were all pissed), and being drunk and defensive made me say it. I agree that maybe it wasn't the nicest way to put it.

I never planned for dh to be the only person I ever slept with. That's just the way it turned out. I wasn't going to say, you're the man I love and that incantation to marry but I must sleep with some other people first.
I just consider myself lucky that I found a nice one so quickly. There are good and not so good things about doing it both ways

*incantation = plan to marry

Scholes34 Mon 23-Sep-13 15:04:56

As long as he's not already married to someone else, I don't see a problem.

Latara Mon 23-Sep-13 15:05:08

You're lucky - you're married and in love. Your 'friend' is probably just jealous!

Notafoodbabyanymore Mon 23-Sep-13 15:15:38

I was a virgin when I got married, DH wasn't. He wishes that he was.

We're very happy and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything.

Don't worry about it OP, as long as you're happy.

Fleta Mon 23-Sep-13 16:22:52

Of course you're not being unreasonable - if it works for you, then it works for you.

I met OH at 20. I fucked about from 18-20.

I enjoyed it. Doesn't make our relationship better/worse than yours. Just different. smile

parabelle Mon 23-Sep-13 16:33:10

Wish I had done that. Had many partners and so wish I'd respected myself and waited for the right one.

MulberryHag Mon 23-Sep-13 19:19:39

Same here, got married at 23, I hadn't slept with anyone up until our wedding night. OH is 8 years older than me and he had, regrets it though and wishes he hadn't. At times I may think "what if I had..." (Turned down quite a few guys at uni etc) but when all is said and done, am so pleased he's been my only one. Wouldn't want to have comparisons in my head and thoughts from past boyfriends and encounters.

What if i had AMAZING sex with a guy but we ended up breaking up because the relationship side of things wasn't right. Then I met OH, had an incredible relationship, definitely meant to be together etc, sex was great but not as "mind blowing" as previous partner. Would I spend my entire marriage wishing I had chosen the guy that wasn't right for me but we had fantastic chemistry? Or comparing OH and him? Those kind of thoughts can really hurt a marriage.
But each to their own, we all make our own decisions and no one should judge anyone else regardless of what we have done or believe.

blueshoes Mon 23-Sep-13 21:57:43

Having had more than one, MulberryHag, I don't think it works quite the way you described it. If you had sex with more than one person, you can pretty much tell shit sex from blah sex from good sex. And sexual compatibility is one of the things I look for in a marriage partner. With experience behind me, I would not end up with someone who was not sexually compatible (and that means not just technique but frequency of wanting sex) with me.

As for mindblowing sex, that is nice but to be honest, sex with the same person, however great at the start, will get routine after a while, then it is as good as the effort you are prepared to put in to make it fresh. What you lose in novelty, you gain in learning about each other bodies and likes and dislikes over time. So long as your partner is interested in pleasing you (and that is something you learn to recognise with experience), there is no reason why sex should not be good.

I cannot say I have compared dh's performance with others. He is good but good in his unique way. As for mindblowing sex with another man, I know that is as much the way in which we built up to sex (flirting etc) as the sex itself, which is not a fair comparison as it is situational, not technique per se. I don't have anything to regret really, just some happy memories.

Nubbin Mon 23-Sep-13 22:01:16

Whatever works for others - I have never slept with anyone but my husband he was a bit older and had. We've never worried about being bored 10 years later & children

Lj8893 Mon 23-Sep-13 22:01:56

blueshoes I could not have put it better myself.

EugenesAxe Mon 23-Sep-13 22:09:14

No. I have slept with too many people - kind of Tour de France levels. When I meet people who married their only partner I always think how lovely it must be to have that special bond but I don't dwell on it; I had a good time being me. The point is, there's no right or wrong.

DaleyBump Mon 23-Sep-13 22:32:45

I've slept with one man and we're getting married on the 5th of November. Nothing wrong with it smile

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